The branch has come in under budget, and Michael has to decide how to spend the extra $4,300 that day or else lose it from year's budget. Of course, he doesn't decide, because the staff is split between the need for a new copier and the need for new chairs, and making decisions is not his thing. He does momentarily make up his mind when he learns that he has the option of returning the surplus in exchange for a bonus for himself, but that's not exactly a popular decision. Which is why he tried to make it in secret, until Oscar outed him. In the end, he leaves the factions to fight it out on the assumption that they won't come to a decision before the deadline, which will leave him free to collect his bonus. In that assumption, he is incorrect. Pam's finally getting that new chair she's been wanting.
Yeah, about that -- Pam and Jim were on opposite sides of the copier/chair issue, which sends both of them to new depths of butt-kissing and manipulation. Pam's victory proves short-lived, because now Jim is going to start making her do his copying for him on that shitty old machine. It says something about these two that they can still be so adorable even while acting like assholes.
And Dwight gives Andy and Angela a tour of Schrute Farms in preparation for their wedding there, complete with a little demonstration of the German-language ceremony featuring Dwight as the groom. Angela is so moved by the setting and the moment that she confesses her true feelings to Dwight. But Dwight ruins it when he tells her that the "demo" was the real deal. At which point Angela's so pissed at Dwight that Andy might actually get some. Funny little subplot, but it needed more Mose.
Oscar brings a printout of the branch's financial numbers to Michael, who cuts to the chase: "Why don't you explain this to me like I'm an eight-year-old?" I'm sure that's for the benefit of the cameras. Bottom line: they've got a $4,300 surplus that needs to be spent today, or it'll be deducted from year's budget. Michael tries again: "Explain it to me like I'm five." Oscar explains it in terms of a lemonade stand, and makes the case that they should spend the money on a new copier. "I think I'm getting you," Michael lies.
Eventually (as in, after the credits), Michael happily bursts out into the bullpen and announces that he's buying everyone a new copier. Oscar's the only one who's happy about it, so Michael amends, "Unless everybody can agree on something better?" Pam wants new chairs, and so does Stanley. Toby suggests air quality testing for radon and asbestos, which he calls "silent killers." "You're the silent killer. Go back to the annex," Michael snaps. Pam claims that Meredith, Stanley, and Jim are in her camp, but Jim gently says he's actually leaning toward the copier. In a TH, he says he makes his own copies rather than asking his girlfriend to do it. "And that copier? Sucks." But they don't have to agree on everything, right? Meredith and Creed both commend Jim for his cojones, and Michael ducks into his office to "digest" everyone's ideas. And Pam stares daggers at Jim. No PB&J sandwich tonight, clearly.
In the kitchen, Dwight's going over arrangements with Andy and Angela for their upcoming wedding at Schrute Farms. There are some concerns about the directions (measured in paces) and the sanitary facilities ("We'll dig a trench," Dwight shrugs). Still, Andy is not about to lose a ninth venue deposit. "I have seen Angela naked zero times," he insists. So he's pretty motivated to make this work.
In the kitchen, Jim is enjoying a break when Pam comes in and acts like a controlling psycho about the chairs. She pretends to be all sweet, but as she leans in for a kiss, she whispers that he is on "very dangerous ground." "Ooh," Jim shudders in a TH afterward. This is weird.
Dwight shows Angela and Andy the barn where the receiving line will be. He promises to clean out the livestock and hay, but not the manure. "Covers up the smell of the slaughterhouse," he explains. "You want to eat, don't you?" Andy, desperate to avoid any deal-breakers, offers to pay Dwight extra to do the slaughtering the day before. And then he steps in animal poo.
Pam's got Michael buttonholed in his office to bend his ear about the chairs when Oscar pops in to invite Michael along for lunch. "Mind if I join?" Jim asks. This... is the greatest day of Michael's life. "It is so on," Pam vowing-heads.
At reception, Pam glams herself up to eleven for Michael's benefit. Gross. "How is it possible that I've had two engagement rings and only one chair?" she asks us. After the guys come back into the office from lunch, laughing uproariously and high-fiving, Jim gives Pam some tiramisu he brought her as a peace offering. Which she drops in the trash. "You look really pretty," he says. "Thank you," she responds, and enters Michael's office to get her flirt on. She effusively compliments his four-dollar tie and his nine-dollar pants (prompting him to show off his ass), then makes another argument for chairs in favor of the copier. Then she calls him "hot tie guy" on her way out. She may get the chairs, but at what cost?
In the kitchen at Schrute Farms, Dwight and Angela are arguing about the butter sculpture. Andy tries to make peace between them, and ends up stepping in animal poo. Again. "Why is that in the kitchen?" he demands. Excellent question.
Pam is trying to make copies, and having some trouble. But she can't exactly smack it or kick it with Jim watching smugly from his desk, so she has to settle for squishing and leaning. Jim invites her to switch teams. She declines. "I have my copies." At a 38-degree angle. "I have my original." Two-thirds of it. "So suck it." Okay, then.
Michael makes his way through the office, lavished with attention from everyone and feeling like a superstar. "There's that ass," Pam calls out. Jim gives her that blank look he gives us when Michael really crosses the line. It's not as effective from the side.
Dwight shows Angela and Andy into another barn with chairs set up. This they love, and Dwight puts on a little rehearsal with Angela as herself, Andy as her father walking her up the aisle, and Dwight as the groom, complete with a chinbearded minister who doesn't understand a word they're saying. "Although born just minutes from here, he speaks only German," Dwight explains. "Closed society." Dwight cuts the minister loose to babble auf Deutsch while he smoothly explains that it's just a little taste of the ceremony. He casually says "I do" and puts a little circle of twine on Angela's hand, and she says I do, clearly moved. I think we all know where this is going. All except Andy, of course.
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Back at the office, Michael has called Hank the security guard up from the front desk to make the decision. He explains the situation to Hank, who examines the copier and tries out Pam's chairs. He takes the floor, and begins to speak at length, without saying one way or another. Michael finally asks what he should do. "Let me see the copier again," Hank says. Michael: "All right, get out."
Schrute farms. While Dwight's cousin Mose helps Andy ride a horse in the background, Angela admits to Dwight that she made the wrong choice. Dwight says he knows, but he's already taken care of it. Yep, they're actually married now, and the receipt Andy thought he was signing was actually Dwight and Angela's marriage certificate. Angela angrily says it doesn't count, and throws his twine ring at him before storming off. "Are we leaving or what?" Andy calls out, moments before Mose beans him with a half-inflated basketball. If he steps in animal poo again, it's not in the frame.
Michael is choking on tiramisu while trying to talk to David Wallace on speakerphone about the surplus. "You want me to weigh in on a minor budget issue?" Wallace asks. Michael quickly corrects him: "No, no, I want you to make the decision so I'm not the bad guy." So Wallace advises Michael to just return the surplus, which will earn him a 15% bonus as branch manager. "Six hundred and forty-five dollars?" Michael gasps. Looks like someone's off to Burlington Coat Factory.
Michael marches out to the bullpen to announce his decision. "This copier is working perfectly," he claims, holding up the original he just stuck on the glass for a few seconds of clattering. He sits in Pam's chair, which he calls "Urkelnomically correct." ["Clever that he keeps sinking lower and lower as he talks." -- Angel] While nearly wrenching his back standing up, he gives everyone a sanctimonious lecture about how they're spoiled and should be happy with what they have, until Oscar busts him. "Does anyone happen to know what fifteen percent of 4300 is?" he asks the room. "Six hundred and forty-five dollars," Michael says immediately, causing Kevin to marvel, "Michael's a genius!" Except Michael can't come up with fifteen percent of two hundred, so Oscar tells everyone that Michael is giving back the surplus to get a bonus for himself. Even Michael can read this room after that, so he ducks into his office, claiming to hear his phone. "To be continued!" he yells. In his office, he says the situation hasn't changed: "We need a new copier, we need new chairs, and I need to figure out a way to keep this money without having everybody hate me."
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Andy and Angela have returned to the office, as has Dwight. Andy shows off his tuna sandwich for Jim, and suddenly Angela climbs into his lap and makes out with him in front of everyone. Dwight watches them silently. And Phyllis watches Dwight. Angela gets up and says she has to take care of a "legal issue, " and walks off. Andy, in a TH: "Was that hot or what?" As much as I hate to say it, it actually kind of was.
The troops have crowded into Michael's office, pressuring him to make a decision already. He pushes it back on them, threatening that if they don't make up their minds, he's taking the bonus. And then he gets up and leaves them to it. While dumping sugar into his diet cola in the kitchen, he's in mid-explanation about his "classic management technique" when Oscar and Pam pop in to say they've decided on the chairs. "Rather have the chairs than nothing at all," Oscar says cheerfully. He and an even happier Pam pop back out. Michael: "Motherf--"
In a cheesy fur coat in his office, Michael ticks down the list of today's lessons: he helped his team make a quick decision, you should never buy a fur coat with a credit card unless you can pay for it, and "some people think it's cool to throw buckets of fake blood on you as you are walking out of Burlington Coat Factory." Which would explain why he looks like he's been mauled.
Jim approaches reception to call a truce. "Yeah, I guess, since I won," Pam agrees generously. Jim concedes defeat, then adds, "Anyway, I'm gonna need three copies of this, stapled and collated." She watches in shock as he turns away, then turns back and says he's kidding. She laughs right along with him. Leaning in for a kiss, he sweetly whispers, "I'm gonna need four." So suck it.
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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter (mgiant), or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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