It's Michael's worst nightmare: Toby has returned. And so has Michael's hatred of him, stronger and more irrational than ever. So he hatches a plan to get him fired. Three plans, actually. When Pam declines to be the bait in a sexual harassment sting and Toby declines Michael's invitation to punch him, Dwight suggests framing Toby for possession of narcotics. The cops come and everything. Too late, Michael has second thoughts, so it's lucky that the bag of green leaves he acquired for five bills is nothing but a salad. It doesn't really resolve anything, except for how much Michael hates Toby.
Meanwhile, Pam's stuck in a subplot in which she stuck a hectoring sign up on the microwave telling people to clean up after themselves, and totally in the dark about the house Jim's buying for them from his parents. When the big reveal comes, she at first seems shocked and not at all pleased, but apparently that's what she looks like when she's shocked and thrilled. So that came out a lot better than it could have.
And Ryan dumps Kelly again, in an even more assy way than you can possibly imagine. And what does Kelly have to say to that? "Okay."
How is the first line of this episode not "Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam?"
There's a little social gathering going on in the conference room, complete with brownies. Angela criticizes Kevin's high-speed eating, Dwight denigrates the whole concept of brownies in favor of his own jerky, and Michael comes in and takes two, claiming it's much healthier for him to spread them out over the afternoon. Which I'm totally sure he'll actually do. Ryan passive-aggressively notices that Kelly's taking two, but she says one is for Toby. Michael jokes about her sending him one to Costa Rica and calls her a weirdo. Jim assures Michael that Toby is actually back here, in Scranton, in the office, and has been all week. He suggests Michael "meander" back to the annex. Michael goes along with it, and when he reaches the annex? No Toby at the desk. That's because Toby's familiar hangdog face has just hovered into view behind him. Michael turns to see him standing there, and his reaction is less than welcoming: "No! God! No, God, please, no! No! NOOO--"
Credits.
Michael lurks with Dwight behind the shades in his office, peering out hatefully at Toby. David Wallace comes in on the speakerphone worriedly asking what's wrong. Michael tells him about the horror of Toby's return, and Wallace angrily says that Michael texted him 911 and he thought someone was hurt. Michael THs about how he learned to do that because it's the only way to get people to return his calls. Wallace's revenge is built-in; all he has to do is gleefully tell Michael that without cause, Toby isn't going anywhere.
In the kitchen, Pam opens the microwave, and discovers a big splattery mess in there. She's grossed out, and more than a little irritated.
Jim went ahead and bought his parents' house, which Andy brings up in the crowded break room. Apparently he saw it in Jim's e-mail. "That is not cool," Jim says coolly. And now everyone else in the break room knows about the home purchase too. Good thing Pam isn't in there. Jim asks everyone to keep it quiet, as we learn about some of the home's downsides: shag carpeting, wood paneling, "a creepy clown painting that is apparently crucial to the structural integrity" (seriously, Jim can't seem to pry the ugly thing off the wall) and best of all, he's Creed's neighbor. "We can go to the quarry and throw things down it," Creed suggests. Andy adds that Pam won't be happy about the surprise, and points to himself and Angela as an example: "No secrets," he boasts, as Angela scowls guiltily. Jim is beginning to wonder if this was such a good idea after all. I hope he at least secured his parents a nice bridge to live under.
In the kitchen, Pam has put up a lengthy, anonymous sign lecturing people about the microwave mess. Andy, Oscar, and Meredith agree that the note is obnoxious, and Angela's the only one who likes it. This was clearly not the reaction Pam was expecting. She's been out of the office too long. Maybe out of any office too long.
Michael gets ready to show off some acting, and goes to see Toby. He puts on a big show about being happy to have him back. Toby appreciates the effort, and starts talking about Costa Rica. "Why'd you come back?" Michael asks. The act is already breaking down, as he quickly ends up angrily grilling Toby about why he didn't stay down there, finally giving up. Michael then does a TH about how talking to Toby is like "trying to be friends with an evil snail." He compares his situation to that of Neve Campbell in Scream 2, going to college and having the killer show up. "I learned a lot of lessons from that movie," Michael says. "This is one of 'em."
Dwight and Michael are going through the HR manual, looking for some reason to get Toby fired. They hit on sexual harassment, and Dwight starts prepping to be the bait, taking off his glasses and insisting that men find him attractive. "It's a good day, I'm wearing my mustard shirt," he adds. Mustard shirt? How is that not plural?
At reception, Pam is going on and on to Jim about the microwave sign, talking about the stuff she should have added. He's either distracted worrying about the house or realizing that her sign has made her socially radioactive. Pam notices that he's inching away and busts him for it. "I always stand this close," he claims, swinging a hand at the desk that is now entirely out of his reach. As Michael comes out to talk to Pam, Jim's cell phone rings and he steps away to take it, giving Michael the opportunity to joke badly about Jim having a mistress. He then hands Pam a note and instructs her to bring it to Toby without reading it. Pam agrees, takes the note, and opens it: "Please hug and kiss me no matter how hard I struggle. I am too shy to tell you that I love you," she reads to the camera. Michael is quite disappointed.
In the annex, Toby gets up from his desk to see Ryan and Kelly making out. He tells them that's inappropriate, and after they break it off he offers to show them his Costa Rica pictures. Suddenly Michael bursts in with Dwight at his side, throwing the pictures to the ground and aggressively prompting Toby to punch him. Toby just stands there blankly as Michael, then Dwight, then Kelly, and even Ryan urge him to take a poke. "Whose side are you on?" Michael asks Ryan before resuming the act. When it's clear that it's not going to happen, Michael and Dwight storm out. As Toby gets down on his knees to pick up his photos from the floor, Ryan says he should have taken the shot. "Once in a lifetime, man." So of the four people telling Toby to punch Michael, which of them would you be the least likely to take advice from? Toby doesn't seem as sure about having made the right call as he should be.
Back in Michael's office, Michael's plowing through his brownies. Dwight has come up with a plan C: frame Toby for using drugs. "It's illegal, but everything they do on The Shield is illegal." Dwight even has experience; he's framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present and a bear for eating out of the garbage. "Does seem awfully mean," Michael says doubtfully. "But sometimes the ends justify the mean."
Michael goes around the back of the office park and approaches a couple of Vance Refrigeration employees, saying he wants to buy some weed from them. They're taken aback at first, but one whispers to the other, and then steps away and reappears a moment later, holding something out of sight and telling Michael to give him five hundred dollars for it and walk away. Michael does. If only it were always that easy. Getting Michael to walk away, I mean. I wouldn't know about the other thing.
Ryan approaches Pam at reception and unctuously tells her that he's totally on her side. After sucking up for a minute, he gets to his point: "Note or no note, somebody's going to have to just get in there and clean it up." Even Pam's not taking his shit any more: "I guess that's why we have a temp, huh?" Ryan just laughs it off, claiming to lack the necessary skills to clean. What a dick. And he's just getting started.
Michael nearly collides with an exiting Kelly as he goes into the annex to plant the package in Toby's desk, while Dwight is calling in an "anonymous" tip but giving his name as Andy Bernard. I wonder if that's his own cell phone he's using, or if he retrieved Andy's from the ceiling.
Two officers burst into the office, saying they're checking into a "narcotics situation." Dwight meets them at reception and officiously leads them to the back. "Just pretend like we're talking until the cops leave," THs a very nervous Creed. "I wonder what's going on," Michael mumbles unconvincingly.
In the annex, Dwight leads the cops to Toby's desk and tells them to search it. Toby is totally flustered, wondering what's going on. Michael is clearly regretting this, and tries to take it back. "That is not mine!" Toby squeaks when the cops find a Ziploc bag in his drawer. In fact, Michael claims that it's his. Fortunately for both of them, the bag only contains a $500 salad. "That's my salad," Michael whispers, claiming it from the officers. Dwight's disappointed that there are no drugs, and follows the cops out the door, haranguing them about not using all the interrogation techniques available to them. So with that behind them, Michael and Toby are friends now, right? Well, obviously not. Toby points out that the cops could have been out catching real criminals, which Michael thinks is a stupid thing to say to someone who just tried to frame him. "Welcome back, Jerky Jerkface." And then they do a joint TH in which Michael accuses Toby of being a liar, and of making liars out of all of them by coming back from Costa Rica. He talks right over Toby by demonstrating a lie of his own: "I think you're great. You're my best friend." I think Michael is handling this with remarkable maturity and grace. Yeah, that was me taking a turn.
Ryan breaks off a kiss with Kelly to say that he can't do this. She reminds him that she broke up with Darryl, and he tells her that was her choice and not to put it on him. It's not like he wrote Darryl the text message and then blackmailed Kelly into letting him send it. He tells her he has a chance to go to Thailand with some friends from high school. "Well, a high school," he corrects, "but if I don't do it now I'll never get to go and I'll always resent you." Kelly realizes she's getting dumped, and she's not happy about it. Ryan's ready for that: "Let's be adults about this. Let's have sex one more time. And if you have any extra cash that would be amazing." Kelly: "Okay." Well, that answers the question as to whether there's anything Kelly won't let him get away with.
Jim tells Pam he wants to make a stop on the way home. At his parents' house, he tells her, "I bought it. It's ours." She follows him around inside, weirdly quiet and confused. He takes her on an awkward tour that unfortunately includes the clown painting in the hallway. "Worried about art theft," he jokes lamely. At the end of the hall, he says, "This is the master bedroom, but we're actually not allowed in here." He closes the door. Pretty sure he's joking there. Even when they get to the garage that he's begun to convert into an art studio, she's completely shut down. He starts babbling worriedly about how maybe this wasn't such a good idea, but she interrupts him to tell him that she loves it. "You bought me a house!" she says excitedly. Jim is so relieved. After they kiss happily, Pam asks, "Do we have to sleep in your parents' bedroom?" Jim says they can just board that up. Pam's question: "And the clown?" Jim: "I can't really think about that right now."
And the tag is Dwight's TH on his perfect crime: "I break in to Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No. I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard: I have a son, and it's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stash the chandelier." Sounds perfect to me.
See what Michael really thinks about his staff, and check out the latest webisodes. Plus, is Ryan gone for good? Find out.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter (mgiant), or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.