Dwight has gotten terrible marks on his annual customer surveys, which is not as surprising as the fact that so did Jim. Dwight suspects sabotage and a conspiracy, but turns out to be only half right. Jim more or less accidentally determines that Kelly sandbagged the two of them for not coming to her party over the summer. She gets called on the carpet by Michael, but since he can relate to not being able to get people to come over, he ends up letting her off Scott-free. Which is even easier than the more commonly known scot-free.
Andy finally gets Angela to agree to a tent as a wedding venue, but only on some very specific conditions. She then describes the Schrute Farms Bed & Breakfast. So it looks like Dwight and Angela are going to be working together very closely in the months leading up to the wedding. Which I'm totally sure will happen, aren't you?
And throughout the episode, Jim and Pam are staying in constant touch via tiny Bluetooths. Or Blueteeth. Whatever. This does allow Pam to help Jim solve the mystery of the poor scores, but it also allows Jim to overhear her art-school friend Alex tell her how much he thinks he should stay in New York. From both their silences, it's clear that his words have hit Pam where she lives. Wherever that's going to end up being.
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Have you bee wondering how Michael's been handling his breakup with Holly? Well, the opening shows him sitting disconsolately at his desk, which seems fairly normal. Then Dwight busts in boisterously, congratulating Michael on his engagement. Wha--? He even punches Michael in the shoulder, a little too hard. So Michael has told everyone he got engaged to Holly, which is less normal and more Michael. Darryl talking-heads, "I'm not a big believer in therapy, but I'll go into my own pocket to cover his co-pay." Then Andy, Meredith, Phyllis, Jim and Kevin are in Michael's office. Andy pitches the idea of a double wedding with him and Angela, which Michael says they'd never do. "And if we did, it'd be with Jim and Pam." Jim: "Yeah, we'd never do that." Michael: "...So there you go." Kelly comes in, having already gotten her bridesmaid's dress -- in white, of course. They make him call his mom to break the news. "Speakerphone!" Andy says, hitting the button so everyone can hear. Michael gets his mom on the line and tells her, "Mom, I'm gettin' married!" "No you're not," she says immediately. "Why do you always do that?" Michael whines. "Whenever I'm getting married, you don't believe me." That went south so fast. Michael admits to everyone that he isn't getting married at all, and hangs up. "Psych," he says unconvincingly to his employees. Ouch. And, credits.
Kelly brings Michael the customer surveys, along with the receipt for her returned bridesmaid's dress, which she's still out a hundred dollars on. (It was on sale.) Michael ignores the receipt, and then THs about Kelly, whom he describes as "our dusky, exotic customer service rep." He explains that part of her job is to get feedback from the clients about the sales staff, which she submits to Michael annually. "Sort of a Kapoor's List," Michael says. "Schindler's List parody. That's... not appropriate." Well, realizing too late is better than never realizing at all.
Jim THs that these reviews are tied to his bonus, which is good. "You wouldn't know from looking at her," he says, "but Pam's a gold-digger." Suddenly we hear said gold-digger's disembodied voice snapping, "Hey! New York ain't free! Get back to work!" We catch up with Pam in a New York coffee shop, explaining that she picked up a pair of the world's smallest Bluetooth earpieces in the Village. "We wanted to stay on the phone all day, but the company has a policy against eight-hour personal calls. So we're not telling anyone." In the background, her art-school friend Alex (whom we saw earlier in the season, and whom I have since learned is played by some dude from Mad Men, which I've never seen ["Must have been on during episodes of Big Brother" -- Angel]) asks what she wants on her coffee. "Sprinkle of cinnamon," Pam and Jim say at the same time.
Michael talks to Dwight about his scores, which he says are horrible. Dwight thinks that Michael is joking. Using the Socratic method and a dead-serious expression, Michael convinces Dwight that it is not a joke. Not one that Michael's playing, anyway. Which, to be fair, wouldn't be much of a joke, either.
In the kitchen, Jim encounters Andy, who's pretty happy about his own scores. "I miss him," Pam murmurs in Jim's ear. Suddenly Andy notices that the mug Jim is drinking from has Andy's face printed on it, superimposed over a gray star. He demands it back in that reformed-rageaholic way he has. Jim's in no hurry to hand it over, when he can just make Andy crazy instead.
When Jim's back at his desk and still on the space-phone with Pam, the subject of Dwight and his foul mood comes up. "Describe him exactly," Pam says. "What color mustard is his shirt -- yellow or Dijon?" "Spicy brown, actually," Jim says. Beesly's been gone too long. Finally Dwight notices that Jim seems to be talking to himself, but he quickly tells Jim what's bothering him anyway: "I'm being sabotaged," he claims. "I'm going to find that person and punish them." If Dwight suspects Jim, he's being uncharacteristically subtle about it. "Or you could just be nice to your customers," Jim suggests. "You're an idiot," Dwight responds. Jim: "There's that charm." Jim gets called in for his review with Michael, and has a rushed "wish me luck/thank you/love you too" exchange with Pam. "I wasn't talking to you," Jim tells a flummoxed Dwight, who then THs about having caught Jim talking to himself. "What a loser! Get some friends, loser!"
Andy appears to have settled on a giant tent for his and Angela's wedding. In fact, he got the best "tentist" on the East Coast, and he's very excited about it.
In Michael's office, Michael reports that Jim's scores are "poopy," whereupon Jim quickly reaches up and flips his earpiece off, effectively hanging up on Pam. Michael elaborates that the responses describe him as "smudge and arrogant." In a TH, Jim admits that he's worried about it, since he's hoping to buy his parents' house so they can retire. "And if history tells us anything, it's that you can't go wrong buying a house that you can't afford." Topical! The house is supposed to be kind of a surprise for Pam. He gets her back on the line, apologizes for "losing her for a second," and tells her that his scores weren't so great. Pam doesn't seem too worried. "Maybe it's 'cause you spent the whole year flirting with the receptionist," Pam guesses. "Little bit," Jim agrees. "Worth it." Aww.
Back from the ads, Michael has Dwight and Jim in the conference room to do some remedial role-playing, with Jim as the client and Dwight working on his tendency to be abrasive and difficult. Everything is pretty straightforward and fine until Jim claims that his name is "Bill Buttlicker." That's only the beginning of the myriad ways Jim sabotages Dwight, while Michael consistently takes the fake Mr. Buttlicker's side, and eventually takes over the call from Dwight. "Buttlicker" immediately offers to buy a million dollars in paper from the company, but only if Michael fires Dwight. Michael has to think about it. Really hard.
Andy is making his pitch to Angela about the tent (see what I did there?), but she's not having it unless they place it in exactly the right location. "You can have your tent, but only if it's in a field. A hand-plowed field. There has to be a barn that's old enough that you can see the stars through the roof slats when you lay on your back. And antique tools to look at when you roll over. Anything within a five- to eight-mile radius is acceptable." Gosh, it almost sounds like she has someplace specific in mind already. But what could she possibly be describing? A clueless Andy is all over it.
Dwight has a secret meeting with Jim in his Trans Am in the parking lot, screaming at full throttle from the front entrance to the closest parking spot and turning on some loud J. Geils Band on the radio to disguise their conversation. Dwight wants to brainstorm about who would benefit from their downfall. "Could be the mob. Maybe NASA," Jim theorizes, then tunes out of the conversation and talks to Pam, freaking Dwight out some more. The scene ends with nothing resolved, except that Pam is now softly humming "Centerfold" to herself under her breath.
Andy has found just the place online. What are the chances? "I have an 'in' with the owner! We work together," he THs excitedly. "It's Dwight Schrute? Schrute Farms?" Clearly, he is interpreting the unseen documentarian's expression as one of confusion when it's no doubt more like pity.
Dwight's on the phone with a client, and suddenly detects breathing on the line. He rudely blows off the customer and abandons the handset on the desk, then rushes back to the annex to accuse Kelly of being part of some conspiracy to wreck his customer service scores. Since he caught her still listening on her own phone, he might actually be onto something. Jim has followed Dwight back there to try to keep the argument from escalating, and is just in time to hear Kelly yell, "Dwight, get out of my nook!" A very excited Pam, in Jim's ear: "That's what she said! That's what she said! That's what she said!" Pam and Jim should both remember this moment during a later scene.
Later, Jim enters the kitchen and finds Kelly there alone. He apologizes to her for Dwight, and after a minimum of small talk, Kelly gets up and leaves. Somehow, Jim doesn't notice anything unusual, but fortunately an alert Pam is in his ear to wave the red flag: "Have you ever had a conversation with Kelly where she didn't go on for fifteen minutes without taking a breath?" Well, maybe in the first couple of seasons, but they don't count.
Jim goes to ask Ryan if he knows anything, but loses interest in Ryan's lecture about getting out of office politics when Ryan sips from a mug with his own face on it, superimposed over a gray star. Jim wonders why Ryan and Andy have the same mug, and Ryan reminds him that Kelly gave them out to everyone as party favors at her America's Got Talent finale party. Oh, dear. Jim disengages from Ryan, and asks Pam what Ryan's talking about. Pam says she told Jim to go, but he insisted on visiting her instead. "I can't be the only one..." Jim begins, but trails off upon seeing Angela's star mug on her desk. Meredith's on hers. Oscar's, Creed's and Phyllis's in the kitchen cabinet. And it all falls into place.
Jim goes straight to Dwight, drinking from his Lackawanna Sheriff's Department mug, and quietly tells him, "I think you're right. I think it was Kelly. I think she's mad at us for not coming to her party." After Jim dispenses with Dwight's wish to cling to his conspiracy theory by saying Kelly acted alone, Dwight has himself a little a celebration that includes punching Jim hard in the shoulder and nearly kicking Phyllis in the head. "Right Dwight is loud," Pam observes. "Kelly the whole time!" Dwight exults. "Let's get her." Jim has a better idea.
Michael has called Kelly into her office with Jim and Dwight, and she attempts to play dumb, tries to distract Michael by complimenting his tie (which almost works), and finally blurts out, "I was raped!" Michael: "You cannot say 'I was raped' and expect all your problems to go away. Not again. Don't keep doing that." Finally, she confesses, and accuses Jim and Dwight of being bad friends. Michael sends the two sales guys out and begins to lay it out for Kelly: "I have... an enormous problem... getting people to come to my house." Yes, he's commiserating with her instead of disciplining her. "I can't tell you how much leftover guacamole I've ended up eating over the years." He says they'll just sit there for a while, and he advises her to cry, which she manages for bout two seconds before they both break into giggles. Jim and Dwight watch the whole scene from outside. Well, I'm glad that was resolved.
Pam's at work when suddenly the guy from her art class comes in. "It's Alex!" Pam tells Jim. "It's Pam!" Alex responds, inviting her to some Chuck Close retrospective on the spot. Since she can't just leave work on a moment's notice, as any non-art student would know, he ends up calling her out to the hallway to talk in private. "That's it, I want to talk to this guy. Put me in his ear," Jim jokes. Without ever realizing that Jim is listening in, Alex ends up making her an impassioned case that she should stay in New York instead of moving back to Scranton. Jim hears the whole plea, but does not hear Pam refute a word of it, other than to say, "Jim's in Scranton." And so's that house that he's planning to buy them from his parents, not that she knows that. I guess he could always flip it. But that's not the point right now. Alex continues, "You don't want to wake up in 50 years and look back and wonder what could have been." Which is totally Pam's softest spot of many soft spots, and Jim knows it. Alex leaves Pam to think about it. On the other end of the line at his desk in Scranton, Jim is looking pretty upset. Neither of them is saying a word to the other. Which is just the time for Dwight to notice Jim's tiny earpiece. "May I?" he whispers reverently, reaching for Jim's ear. "Don't," Jim snaps softly.
End tag: Angela and Andy are sitting in the conference room with Dwight while he makes his pitch only to Angela, promising to be available to her at all times. Angela is thoroughly on board with this, and Dwight tells Andy that planning the wedding is no longer Andy's responsibility. "Pay him whatever he wants," Angela tells Andy. "Dwight, you are going to make us so happy," Andy says, clasping his fiancée's hand. Dwight and Angela smile at each other. Yes, someone's going to be getting a happy all right.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then read Michael Scott's evaluations of his employees!
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, follow him on Twitter (mgiant), or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.