Hot Michael/Holly Auction

S05E04

Michael and Holly are up to their third date, and even Michael knows what that means, if you know what I mean. Unfortunately, he says as much to Holly. Fortunately, her response is "Hell, yeah." Unfortunately, after their late-night tryst in the office, they forget to lock the doors and the place gets robbed. But never fear, Michael has a solution: Crime Aid, a charity auction to help recoup the losses, with a pair of Bruce Springsteen tickets as the centerpiece.

Jim wins a bid to go out for beers with the warehouse guys, and runs into Roy, who reminds Jim about what happens when engaged Pam starts having fun with people other than her fiancé. thing you know, Jim's on the road to New York, but thinks better of it before getting on the freeway. Good boy.

And speaking of fiancés, Dwight takes Phyllis's advice and tells Angela to dump hers. When she fails to comply, Dwight's hurt, but makes up for his rudeness to Phyllis by running up the bidding on the hug she's auctioning off. Michael turns out to not have Springsteen tickets after all, but Holly's still totally into him. Which is news to Dunder Mifflin CFO David Wallace, and he doesn't seem too happy about it. Uh-oh.

Come back Monday for the full weecap. Until then, get Michael's staff evaluations.

Back in her business duds, Pam talking-heads that she kind of ran out of money in New York, so Michael helped her get a part-time job at Corporate. The downside? "Now Michael knows where to reach me 16 to 18 hours a week." And from the looks of things, he spends every one of those hours singing her name to her over the phone.

Back in Scranton, Michael's wearing an unusually festive tie as he greets Holly when she arrives in the office. They agree that last night was fun, and Michael maybe-jokes that he's thinking of getting his own putt-putt golf clubs. And they plan to see each other again that very night, so dorkily-sweetly that even an eavesdropping Jim can't prevent a little sincerity from creeping into his mocking smile.

Michael THs that the third date is typically the sex date. Does Holly feel that way? "If she starts having sex with me, I'll know for sure." Careful -- you don't want to have sex all the way out on that limb you're on.

Andy is passing out save-the-date cards. Dwight is so dismayed that he and Angela have set a date for their wedding that he doesn't even react to Andy's new nickname for him, "D-Money." The only ones in the bullpen noticing his reaction are Angela...and Phyllis. Later, in the break room, Phyllis finds Dwight whittling himself a knife in the break room and offers to talk about what's bothering him. "You know I know. You know they know," she adds with a significant look at the camera. I assume she's referring to the people here in our parallel universe who are watching this, because most of the people in this office seem to feel pretty free to tell the cameras stuff they'd never tell each other. Dwight, on the other hand, barely spares us a glance. "I know none of that," he insists to Phyllis. "And if I did, you'd be the last to know." Ooh, burn.

In the annex, Michael is sitting on Holly's desk while they discuss plans for that night's date. They seem to be leaning toward the mall food court when Michael abruptly and out of nowhere brings up the possibility of sex afterward. Awkward, awkward pause, while Holly looks taken aback. "Elephant in the room!" Michael bleats, completely misunderstanding the meaning of the phrase. Fortunately for him, Holly quietly says, "Hell, yeah." Okay, so maybe she wasn't as taken aback as I thought. Or maybe that'll have to wait until their eighth date. [Can we say that? - Zach]

With Phyllis sitting nearby in the kitchen, Dwight mutters into the open fridge about all of the stuff he learned about from Angela: "Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism, presents on your birthday..." After snapping at a sympathetic Phyllis that he's just talking to himself, he admits that he wonders why Angela's marrying Andy. "Angela's not really a risk-taker," Phyllis analyzes. "And Andy's not really a risk." Dwight takes a long moment to process this, but recovers in time to comment on how fattening Phyllis's lettuce lunch is. So clearly he appreciates the advice.

Michael and Holly appear to be staying late at the office, playing crazy eights and killing time before it's time to go. And they're killing it dead; all the lights are off in the bullpen and even a brief shared interlude of funny voices seems a bit forced. Finally, as they're walking out of the building, they clasp hands, until she "remembers" that she forgot her keys. She leads him back into lobby, locking the camera crew out and pulling Michael out of view. We hear her say she just didn't want to make out with him in front of the cameras. "Do you think they can hear us?" she asks. Michael shows her the dials on their microphone packs, and their voices get louder as he tries to turn them down. "WE ARE TOTALLY ALONE," we hear him say, having turned the knobs the wrong way. Fortunately, the commercials come before they do.

In the morning, there's a police cruiser outside the office park, and the staff has realized that they've been robbed. Oscar seems the most upset, since his laptop was stolen. As Michael and Holly arrive and take in the chaos, Dwight is in investigator mode as he reports, "Looks like a classic seven-man job." Holly pulls Michael into his office, and they realize that neither of them remembered to lock the door. "So much for sex without consequences," Michael THs.

At least Jim is having a good morning, since Pam's phone apparently pocket-dialed his work voice-mail last night while she was out after three, laughing and calling people dorks. "The future mother of my children," he smirks, hanging up after listening for six minutes. Looks like he's saving the rest for later.

Andy is assuring a freaked-out Angela that she's always safe with him: "I'm a very good screamer." In fact, he promises to one day take her away from this crime capital and move them to Disney Celebration Village. Overhearing this, Dwight pulls Phyllis into the elevator, where the overhead security camera briefly takes over from the documentary crew. She advises him to issue Angela an ultimatum. Dwight has his doubts. "It [worked] when Bob [Vance of Vance Refrigeration] told me I had to stop talking to my sister on the phone so much," Phyllis assures him. Aw, they always seemed like the happiest couple on this show, too.

Most of the rest of the staff is still preoccupied with the burglary. "Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it," Creed THs darkly. "The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton." Wow, someone's clearly upset about losing his mung beans. [Does that mean he killed a guy who stole his identity, or possibly just had the same name as him? Or that he killed a guy who stole something else from him and then took his name, meaning "Creed Bratton" is an alias? Also, does it matter? - Z] Back in the bullpen, Michael tells everyone to meet in the conference room promising to make everything all better. Then he THs that he's about to put on a charity auction like Farm Aid, only it's called "Crime Aid." "Instead of farms fighting against AIDS, it is us fighting against our own poverty." Well, that's always worked out well for him in the past.

In the conference room, Michael is explaining the idea to the troops. Phyllis likes the idea, saying that her sorority did it all the time. This sends Michael on an unfortunate tangent about whether this was some kind of Phyllis-only sorority. "Move on, Michael," she says. Michael talks about maybe auctioning people off "like in the olden days" (obligatory shot of a glowering Stanley). But then he starts winding up to something big, taking so long and saying so little that Jim finally leans forward and asks, "Do you need us for any of this?" It turns out that Michael has a pair of Bruce Springsteen tickets to auction off. Michael and Holly do a joint TH from behind his desk about how he landed this remarkable coup. "The boss got the boss," Holly says. "He knows how to get things. He got me!" Michael acts shocked at her indiscretion, then adds, "Twice."

In the hallway to the kitchen, Dwight corners Angela and makes his ultimatum. Since he ends it with the phrase, "Or you can say goodbye to this" while pointing at his groin, it's probably not quite what Phyllis had in mind. [Although, considering that seems to be all Angela wants from him, it may have been his best motivator. - Z] Spotting a camera shooting them from behind a door, Angela plays dumb, saying he must have her confused with someone else. Dwight gives her until 6:14 p.m. anyway.

In the warehouse, Michael has a podium set up in front of rows of chairs. What's remarkable is that most of the chairs appear to be full, not just with staff members, but some randoms as well. Behind him is a hand-drawn Crime Aid banner. ("Crime Reduces Innocence, Makes Everybody Angry, I Declare," explains Michael, having somehow found time to turn it into an acronym.) At his right, Holly sits to a drawing of one of those fundraising thermometers that she'll be filling in with a red marker as the auction progresses. Or at least she will in theory. Michael takes the podium while Darryl plays "Heart of Rock & Roll" on a boom box. Wondering what that's about? Darryl does a deadpan TH about Michael's list of top ten favorite Springsteen songs. "Three were Huey Lewis and the News, one was Tracy Chapman's 'Fast Car,' and my personal favorite, 'Short People.'" What, no "Jessie's Girl?" Michael teases the Springsteen tickets, but the first item up for bid is a yoga lesson from Holly, which he starts at $300. After a lengthy interval that's filled by nothing but Michael's terrible fast-talking auctioneer impersonation, he ends up buying it himself, bringing down the gavel on $300. What little effect there is is rather spoiled, as the gavel appears to be a dog's chew toy. "It squeaks when you bang it," Michael complains to Phyllis, and adds, "That's what she said" in the very same breath. , at Darryl's request, Michael puts up a bid for going out for beers right now with the warehouse guys, which Jim wins for $5.00 after Darryl locks Michael out of the bidding on the tenuous grounds that it's a conflict of interest. The item? "It just says, 'Creed,'" Michael reads in confusion. "Yeah, that's all-inclusive," Creed announces. Don't know, don't want to know.

At Poor Richard's, Jim's at the bar when who should walk in but Roy, Pam's first fiancé and Jim's would-be assailant. After some awkward greetings, Roy assures Jim that he's not going to hit him or anything. Jim pretends he wasn't worried about it. Even people on Mars aren't fooled.

Kevin tries to auction off his services to do someone's taxes. No takers. "Federal and state!" Kevin adds. Crickets. Finally Kevin spits, "Fine," and throws the microphone down, knocking over the stand as he stomps back to his seat. "I would appreciate it if people would stop storming off the stage," Michael says, in one of those moments that gives a pretty clear picture of how this has been going so far. Even if the tiny red line at the bottom of the cash thermometer weren't already doing that.

Later, while Hank the security guard is onstage, playing some slow two-chord blues on an out-of-tune guitar to a stack of self-recorded CDs, Dwight's watch alarm goes off. Dwight looks at Andy, who is not getting dumped, but rather enjoying the music. He turns around to look at Angela, who is not dumping anyone. "Me and the blues," Hank croons, in a remarkably apt comment on Dwight's expression right now.

After another commercial break, Dunder Mifflin CFO David Wallace walks in. At first I think he's here to put a stop to it, but he's actually driven all the way to Scranton so he can make a contribution to the auction: a weekend at his place in Martha's Vineyard. Well, there's another reason he's here, but we'll get to that later.

Meanwhile, Dwight calls Phyllis away, saying someone let the air out of her tires. Of course it's so he can talk to her in private, but once they're in the parking lot he turns out to have gone kind of method with it. "Why couldn't you have just said it? Why did you actually do it?" she asks him sadly. Dwight says that Angela ignored his ultimatum, so he needs Phyllis to tell him his move. "You move on," Phyllis says. Dwight does so, on the spot. "Now how do I get her back?" Phyllis says he doesn't; it's over. Dwight is disappointed, having thought Phyllis had some kind of master plan. He angrily accuses her of just wanting to stay in charge of the Party Planning Committee. Phyllis slaps him, which is pretty brave of her considering the size of the knife she saw him with earlier. "And you slap like a girl," Dwight says. Then, in a TH by the building's front door, someone has clearly asked him what Phyllis did wrong. "She stuck her nose in my business," Dwight says indignantly. "And tried to help me..." With that, he kind of peters out.

At the bar, Jim and Roy are catching up, and Jim gives an update on Pam. She's in New York. "And she's engaged... to me." Jim tells her about the great time she apparently had last night with her friends, and Roy says this: "I thought you were her friend." Roy is not usually this efficient with words, because the thing we see is Jim, in his car, on the way to New York. Jim Halpert: sometimes slow to reach a logical conclusion, but once he gets there he grabs on with both hands.

Michael's audience is getting impatient about the Bruce Springsteen tickets, and he can feel himself losing them. Which is appropriate, because he pats his pockets, and unconvincingly claims that they were lost...or stolen. People start getting up and leave, and it looks like the auction is over. There's not much left to auction off but a hug from Phyllis. Michael rudely shoots her down, but Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration calls out a hundred-dollar bet. "You're her husband, you idiot," Michael bitches, but the bidding is still going on. And Dwight sweeps in, loudly adding one penny to each multi-hundred-dollar figure that gets called out. "What the hell is going on?" asks Michael. Eventually it's just Dwight vs. Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration, and when Dwight bids $700.01, Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration decisively yells, "One thousand dollars!" Dwight stops, considers it, says, "It's not worth it," and sits down. But the grateful smile that he and Phyllis share across the room tells us that his point is made.

Just before getting on I-80 to New York, Jim pulls a u-turn and tells the camera in his passenger seat, "No. Because, I am not that guy. And we are not that couple." Which was the point with him and Pam all along, really. I'm glad he remembered that before he had to try to find a parking spot in the city.

Back in the warehouse, Michael comes to Holly to make a confession: as to whether he ever had those tickets at all, it was kind of a "gray area." She's not mad, though. In fact, she THs, that the Springsteen tickets seemed to good to be true so she's not all that disappointed. On the other hand, she adds that a lot about Michael seems to good to be true, but it all seems to be true. Wow, it's so weird to see someone this smitten with Michael without having anything tragically wrong with her. Or I should say, anything else tragically wrong with her. Michael and Holly kiss, which David Wallace witnesses from across the room. The very last moment of the episode shows Wallace in the parking lot, saying, "No, I did not know Michael was dating Holly." Well, how could he possibly object, given how things turned out with Michael and... Jan...?

Oh, shit.

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M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.