Michael comes into the office, a black cloud of misery because he got gum in his hair. Seems he was digging under Stanley's car for something shiny -- anyway, the details don't matter. All you need to know is that the teaser ends with Dwight giving Michael a full peanut-butter shampoo.
On a different day, Michael comes in while not in a much better mood. He's been getting plenty of dates lately, but they're not exactly up to scratch on the looks front. Yeah, somebody's been spoiled.
Angela and Oscar are both pissed off, which isn't news, except this time they're pissed off about the same thing. Specifically, Ryan's making the Scranton people come in on a Saturday to enter sales into the Dunder Mifflin Infinity website. "Which they should have done in the first place, if the website had been working," Ryan says. Somehow he's still surprised when he enters the Scranton branch and isn't exactly welcomed as a conquering hero. Later, in the kitchen, Jim wants to talk to Ryan about the website not taking the place of customer service. Ryan calls Jim on having brought that same thing up to David Wallace at the Christmas party. "Watch your back, Jim," he quips. He says he's kidding, but he's kidding on the square.
In the conference room, Michael stands in front of the staff and gives Ryan a very protective introduction. But it's not enough to keep people from piling on with their complaints about the website, including the fact that its social networking feature was, in Ryan's words, "infiltrated by sexual predators." How bad could the website be? Well, the only one who doesn't hate it is Creed. The prosecution rests. Michael attempts to come to Ryan's rescue with an Adama slow-clap, but there's not a "So say we all" to be heard.
After the meeting, Michael hugs Ryan goodbye and says he needs a girlfriend so bad. Ryan says he can't help, but Michael should see the girls he meets in the clubs. You'd think Ryan would live to regret saying that. But we'll see.
Later, Michael's getting his desperation all over Jim in his office. He even invites Jim to come with him to New York to troll for babes, and when Jim reminds Michael about Pam, Michael's like, "That's still going on?" Making him the only person on earth who doesn't care about those two. So Michael hits the bullpen to draft his backup, Dwight. Andy invites himself along, saying "the old ball and chain has been more chain than ball." "I'm right here," Angela reminds him from behind the usual barricade of pregnancy-hiding furniture. Michael and Dwight cut Andy off at the knees and head out. Once they're gone, Jim suddenly realizes that if everyone stays late tonight, they won't have to come in tomorrow, and self-congratulating-heads, "This is a group that respects good ideas. The one time a year they hear one." Oh, Jim. Smug goeth before a fall.
New York! Michael and Dwight track Ryan to a club called Prerogative. He is obviously surprised to see them. But -- get this -- he's thrilled, too. Even Michael is taken aback. "It's Michael and Dwight," he reminds Ryan. "Whooo!" yells Ryan. "Let's go get a drink!" Whoa, is he high or something?
Back in Scranton, it's a few minutes after nine when everyone wraps up for the day. Except when they reach the parking lot, the gate is shut and locked, and they can't get back into the office to call the security guard. It seems Jim forgot to tell the security guard they were working late, and Pam locked the office door from the inside when they left. Pam explains to us why Dwight has both the master and the spare key with a little story. She once asked Dwight what would happen if he died. Dwight's answer: "If I'm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks."
At Prerogative, Michael is ordering cups of drink garnish, and Dwight thinks Ryan's friend Troy is a hobbit.
The Scranton crew is gathered around the empty security desk. Luckily, Toby has the security guard's home phone number, but nobody can remember his name, which makes it kind of awkward for Jim to call him.
A twitchy Ryan is way too interested in Dwight's beet farm stories, and he's off to the bathroom again, running a finger under his nose. Dwight, alert as always, knows the score: Ryan might have a bladder infection.
In Scranton, Jim gets off the phone with security guard Hank, who has promised to be there in under an hour. The subject of Hank's Christmas tip comes up, and it comes out that Jim never collected for last year's tip. "Who thinks we're a better couple than Jim and Pam?" Andy polls. The results are not encouraging.
Michael chats up a clubgoer with a back tattoo as he tells her his idea for his own back tattoo: "Back to the Future." Which would be kind of dorkily funny, but all Michael sees is the awesome. Anyway, he's struck out. Michael turns to Ryan, calling the place a "sexy preschool." Ryan's all over finding Michael a place to meet older women (or older girls), and after he smashes his beer bottle, they're off.
While Ryan tries to talk to the doorman at another club, Dwight makes friends with the women's basketball team who are standing in line in front of him, Michael, and Troy. So when Ryan comes back to report no entry without chicks, they draft the Amazons, two to a guy. "Don't step on [Troy]," Dwight warns.
It's now Pam's turn to drive down the PB&J couple-stock, as Toby finds a football and Pam, trying to throw a long pass to Andy, promptly beans Meredith.
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Inside the club, Dwight makes a show of throwing out the drink the basketball players bought him. "Nice try!" he taunts. Meanwhile, Michael's chatting up a pet groomer who's a younger, taller, brunette version of Jan, telling her he's a bank teller because Ryan told him to tell women he works in finance. And she's off. But Michael feels better when he's able to use his cameraphone to capture Dwight making out with an Amazon. Five seconds later, every cell phone in Scranton rings, and the security lobby is filled with groans of disgust.
Michael's talking to Ryan about the pet groomer, but Ryan's tripping and going on about the inevitable rise of jungle warfare after the world's nations destroy each other. Suddenly the camera notices the groomer flirting with another guy. Michael follows our gaze, and tries not to look crushed. Not that Ryan would notice anyway.
Jim gets Hank the security guard on the phone to ask if he's coming soon. Hank isn't. And in New York, Ryan is getting a bit crazy on the dance floor, irritating some women to the point of violence and forcing Michael to get off the phone with his mom.
Pam says that maybe working on Saturday wouldn't have been so bad, as Michael probably had some party planned. Toby makes a follow-up wisecrack, and in the ensuing laughter, he gets so flush with his success that drops a hand onto Pam's knee. Where it lingers. Everybody stares, frozen. So Toby, in his normal tone of voice, makes an announcement: he's moving to Costa Rica. "So I'm just gonna hop the fence and jog home," he says. Which is exactly what he does. Okay, that's hilarious, but if that's the end of the Toby/Pam arc, I'm going to be very sad.
Meanwhile, Dwight and Michael drag Ryan out of the club. "Do not take him to a hospital!" Troy warns as he heads out. Also, Dwight is so not calling that Amazon. Because he is an idiot.
The cleaning crew arrives at the Scranton office. Jim asks Oscar to come with him to talk to them. Oscar is offended that Jim assumes the cleaning people only speak Spanish, until that turns out to be the case. Finally, Jim gets one right.
Ryan lets Michael and Dwight into his one-room apartment and crashes on the bed. Dwight starts singing him a German lullaby and Michael is about to undress Ryan, but Ryan suddenly sits up and says that Troy might have a drug problem. Yeah, I was wondering if something was up with Troy. "What do I do?" Ryan asks. Michael starts off strong: "Tell him that you're his friend and you're' going to help him and everything's going to be all right." But then he veers off into The Wire territory (not that he understands a word of that show), and Ryan decides he's going to sleep. He rolls over onto his stomach and buries his head in the pillows, sandwiched by Dwight and Michael on either side of him. "Best night ever," Michael whispers to us.
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Finally Hank arrives at the office, only to find nobody there but the cleaning crew. "Son of a bitch!" he says. Yeah, very big tip this Christmas.
M. Giant is a Minneapolis-based writer with a wife, a son, and a number of cats that seems to have settled at around two. Learn waaaay too much about him at Velcrometer, or just e-mail him at m.giant[at]gmail.com.
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