Roy paces around the Dunder Mifflin parking lot, out of uniform, clearly working himself up to something. Meanwhile, inside the building, Karen is pestering a reluctant Jim to take her out for a date that night, which happens to be Friday. As Jim's putting on his jacket to go, suddenly Roy storms in and roars, "Hey, Halpert!" Jim looks around in alarm, glances at Pam (no help there), and says to Roy, "Hey." Pam looks back and forth between them, and then several things happen almost at once. 1) Roy comes at Jim with intent. 2) Jim pushes Karen out of Roy's way. 3) Pam screams Roy's name. 4) Roy takes a blast of some kind of foamy spray full in the face, and drops to the floor screaming. Meanwhile, the camera people are doing two things: 1) jack and 2) shit. Those documentarians are so lucky they don't actually exist. Seconds later, everyone else within ten feet of Reception is also coughing. Except Dwight, boldly standing there with his spray can still leveled as he orders, "Pam! Please call Security!" And in a TH, Dwight is without his glasses, teary-eyed and red-faced as he says that, every day for eight years, he's brought pepper spray to the office to protect himself, and everyone laughed at him. "Well, who's laughing now?" he blinks furiously.
Michael's on the conference-room speakerphone with Jan, doing the post-mortem of the event at a later date. He downplays it as a "crime of passion," and insists that all of his employees are extremely gruntled. Jan asks if Toby is there. "No," Michael lies, for some reason. "I'm here, Jan," Toby says. He tells her that Roy has been fired, and that Jim doesn't plan to press charges against Roy or the company. Jan's glad to hear it, but Toby mentions that Darryl has an issue. Michael blows that off, saying that Darryl is leveraging Roy's departure for a raise. Jan just wants Michael to take care of it. And to stop saying "Yeppers."
Pam THs that she doesn't want to talk about it, and then relents slightly: "It sucked." For Jim's part, he says he's lucky Dwight was there. Jim also adds that Roy was lucky Dwight only used the pepper spray, and not his nunchuks or throwing stars. We even get a couple of low-angle shots of Dwight whipping these items out, so we know Jim isn't just making this up. Not that I would have minded watching a potato bounce off of Roy's forehead at 60 PSI.
Later, at their desks, Jim thanks Dwight. Dwight declines Jim's gratitude, but Jim offers Dwight a gift-wrapped present. Dwight coldly refuses that, too, lecturing, "Citizens do not accept prizes for being citizens." Jim THs that the gift was a display case for his bobblehead: "He saves my life, I get him a box for his desk toy. Even-Steven." In a TH, Dwight maintains that he's not a hero, because those are the guys in comic books. How soon he forgot his diversity training.
Darryl comes into Michael's office, and Michael jerks him around for a minute about whether they're going to stay there or move to the conference room. "Tactic #6," Michael THs, about changing the location of the meeting. In the conference room, Michael and Darryl stare wordlessly at each other. "Number 14, declining to speak first," Michael THs. But you know how good Michael is at shutting up, so he eventually blows it and just says, "I am declining to speak first." So Darryl states his case: he's scheduled for a raise in six months, but he'd like it now. Michael gets up to look out the window and say that Corporate isn't going to go for it. And looking at him in a standing position, there is definitely something amok with his suit. Normally, Michael is quite well turned out, but the fit of his jacket is all wrong today. It's too short, and baggy around the middle. And I'm not the only one who notices;. Darryl looks Michael up and down from the back and says, very seriously, "Are you wearing lady clothes?" Michael insists that he isn't, but Darryl, chuckling, pulls out his phone to call Roy and cheer him up with this news. Michael stomps out of the conference room to tell Pam to tell Darryl it's not a woman's suit. Pam takes one look at him and says, "Oh my God, that's a woman's suit." Suddenly, Michael's drawing a crowd. In a TH, he admits that he got it out of a bin. "And it fit," he insists, so the suit is at least "bisexual." Back in the bullpen, Michael opens the jacket to reveal the manufacturer's label, there in the magenta lining: "MISSterious." Which, for Michael, explains why the buttons are on the wrong side. Phyllis starts feeling up the suit, noticing the shoulder pads and the lining. "None of that tipped you off?" Jim grins. Michael says that it's European. Pam points out that the pants don't have pockets, and Michael bends over and pulls the jacket up and the slacks tight over his ass, giving her a little show and cracking her up. No pun intended. "Italians don't wear pockets," he claims. Karen offers to let Michael come and raid her closet, and Darryl's on the phone in the background saying, "Yeah, he look like Hillary Clinton." Michael decides to put Darryl off for fifteen minutes, which is fine with Darryl, because he's got to email some camera-phone snaps anyway. Seriously, how does this happen to a guy who's been wearing suits at least since he was eight years old?
In a TH, Michael says that negotiations are about control. "You make one tiny mistake, and you're dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore women's clothes."
In the kitchen with a small group of employees that also includes Stanley and Angela, Kevin asks Karen one of those piercing questions that periodically reveal that he's paying attention after all: "How do you feel that Roy tried to kick your boyfriend's ass over another woman?" "I feel great, Kevin, thank you," Karen says flatly. Angela asks Karen to tell the story, and Karen does, not noticing that Angela is listening as though to a Left Behind book on tape. "Goodness," Angela pants at the end of Karen's tale.
Karen THs, "When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more." Well, I know which one was over faster, at least.
Michael and Darryl are back at it. Darryl talks about the extra orders caused by the merger (as a result of which they have currently have all of one more salesperson), and the smaller warehouse crew. Michael responds by muttering. And it works, kind of; Darryl is annoyed, at least.
Pam sits alone in the break room. When Jim comes in for a drink, she ventures a rueful smile up at him and says, "Sorry I almost got you killed." Jim doesn't seem particularly amused. Pam adds that it was stupid of her to get back with Roy in the first place, and waits expectantly for Jim's response. After a pause, Jim says that she and Roy seem to have "a strong connection." Pam insists that it's over now. As he leaves, Jim scoffs, "I'm sure you guys will find your way back to one another someday." Because he couldn't think of anything meaner to say? Christ, Halpert, don't be such a pissy baby. Pam gives a more heartfelt apology, which Jim blows off.
Michael makes Darryl write down a figure on a piece of paper, "because that is how these things are done in films." And also because they don't want this scene to be dated in syndication in ten years. Or year, given the current rate of inflation. Darryl obliges, and when Michael sees the figure, he seems sincerely blown away by Darryl's demand. No tricks or anything. "I don't make this much," he says, and shows Darryl one of his pay stubs to prove it. Darryl cracks up. "This is barely more than I make," he laughs. "You've been here ten years, dog!" "Fourteen," Michael quietly corrects. Darryl's cell phone is out again. "Some mofos got to hear about this one," he says. Michael calls another fifteen-minute break.
In a TH, Michael talks about the importance of perks, like the $100 gas card he gets each year. "Can't put a price tag on that." Yes, that's like a free week's commute.
Jim offers to buy Dwight a beer or lunch. Dwight turns him down, comparing himself to Han Solo showing up in the Millennium Falcon at the end of Star Wars. Indeed, he's suspicious of Jim's desire to buy him something, and demands, "What's your angle?" Jim just sits there gobsmacked.
Later, in the kitchen, Jim complains to Karen that Dwight never sees his pranks coming, but now that Jim wants to do something nice for him, "he's like an eel. I just can't grab onto him." Karen figures that Jim just feels guilty about the pranks, and suggests that Jim go sell some paper so that they can go on a trip. I bet she wouldn't be so dismissive of Jim's conundrum if the reason for all of this wasn't...well, what Kevin said.
In the break room, Kevin pays Michael back the $15 he owes him. "I heard you might need it." Creed pays Michael back $40, which Michael says he never gave him. "In a way you did," Creed says.
Stanley THs that he still thinks Michael is overpaid.
In Michael's office, he's giving up on the Wikipedia gags to straightforwardly tell Darryl that he can only give him a 5% raise. "Only"? Have any of these writers worked for a corporation in the past five years? Darryl says that's because he can't earn more than Michael does, which means Michael is going to have to ask for a raise so that Darryl can get his. Michael is resistant to the idea, but Darryl insists (with a straight face, somehow), that Michael needs to call Jan and tell her who wears the pants in the relationship. Michael picks up the phone.
Angela's getting Creed's version of the Schrute-iad, which, since it starts at 11:00 at night and includes Roy wielding a sockful of nickels and Dwight using a can of hairspray and a lighter, just doesn't do it for her. "You're useless," a cockblocked Angela spits at Creed, leaving him to happily return to his crossword puzzle.
Michael's got Jan on speaker, with Darryl still in the office. She tries to put off his request for a raise, but he insists on doing it today. Jan agrees, if they can do it in person and he can get there by 5:00. Good enough for Michael. Jan also says that a third party needs to be there. Michael readily agrees; he's got Darryl. Jan says that they need someone from HR. Michael doesn't want to bring Toby, but Jan says it's that or nothing. As if Corporate doesn't have any HR people there.
Toby is going insane, involuntarily listening to Ryan and Kelly's argument over her desire to one day name a baby Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor. Michael shows up and tells Toby to come along. Toby asks where they're going, to which question Michael responds with "I'm gonna smack you in the head with a hammer." Which still sounds better than what Toby's putting up with now, so he scampers off after Michael.
Darryl drives Michael and Toby off the lot in his pickup truck, Michael sitting in the middle. Michael does the "don't ever touch a black man's radio" bit from Rush Hour. Nobody seems to appreciate that. Darryl considers staying overnight in the city at a cousin's place. "How will we get home?" Toby asks. Darryl says that Toby can stay at his cousin's, since he's got a big place. Michael considers that too. "It's not that big," Darryl says. I can't imagine a place that big. Not even with a diagram.
Angela is listening to Kelly's version of Dwight's heroics, and when Kelly mentions that Toby has a file with everyone's stories, Angela snags it from Toby's unattended desk, sneaking looks in every direction like a raincoated guy in an adult bookstore.
Michael, Darryl, and Toby wait in the reception area at Corporate. There's another woman there, wearing the same suit as Michael. Jan's new assistant, cutie-pie Hunter, comes out to call them in. Darryl's hanging back, but he tells Michael to remember the new black-man phrase he taught him: "Pippety poppety, give me the zoppety," Michael dutifully recites. After he follows Toby in, Darryl THs, "I want him to get the raise. I just can't help myself."
Back at the branch, Roy enters the bullpen, accompanied by the security guard from downstairs. Everything stops. Roy does a brief, nervous Reception Lean, but he and Pam say nothing to each other. On his way to Accounting, he apologizes to Jim. Jim just makes a "no biggie" gesture, but I notice that he's keeping his hands above his work surface. Roy approaches Angela for his check, Oscar standing protectively in front of her when she hands it over. Roy just looks sad instead of putting Oscar's head through his monitor. On his way out, Roy stops again at Reception and asks to meet Pam later to talk. She gives a curt little nod. As Roy is on his way out, Kevin bursts out of the kitchen to warn Jim about Roy's presence. "Thanks, Kev," says Jim. I need a macro for that.
Hunter shows Michael and Toby into a conference room with Jan, and the second he's gone, Michael acts like a jealous child over Hunter, comparing him to James Van Der Beek as some kind of paragon of male pulchritude (which, see , in which Hunter is described as "cute") and, as always, gratuitously saying the word "lovers." "Hi...Jan," Toby practically moans. Jan lays down a ground rule for this negotiation: her and Michael's personal relationship has to be set aside. Michael agrees, but the second Jan floats an offer of 6%, Michael plays the relationship card. "You give me a good raise or no more sex," he threatens. Toby quietly looks forward to the legal ground this case is going to break, "when it inevitably goes to trial."
At a diner, Roy apologizes to Pam. He just thought that Jim and Pam were really good friends, or maybe that Jim was gay. "Not that that's wrong," he adds hurriedly to the camera. Pam apologizes to Roy in return, to his confusion, and admits that both she and Roy made bad choices. Roy can't believe that Pam isn't going to try to start dating Jim, Karen or no, after breaking up their wedding over him. "I don't get you, Pam," he says, summing up their entire relationship all the way back to the time a breakup song became "theirs."
Dwight returns to his desk to find a laser-printed "certificate of bravery" from the Scranton Police Department. Jim fakes ignorance, until Dwight says that they give them out to little kids. He even shows Jim the little teddy bear in the police cap in the corner. "Didn't think you'd notice," Jim mumbles.
Michael is still bitching to Jan, who suggests a break. Only Toby takes one, and quite readily. Once they're alone, Michael admits to Jan all the things that have been bothering him today: the accidental cross-dressing (why not stop at home and change?), Darryl's teasing, the long ride with Toby, Jan's new assistant. Jan says that she can offer Michael a 12% raise, but only if Michael asks for 15. Michael doesn't get it; he's embarrassed to even think about asking for 15%. But Jan hints that it's just de rigueur gamesmanship, so he goes along and asks for 15. And then gets grumpy when Jan comes back with 12. That's not bad. I don't think I've ever gotten a 12% raise without either changing employers or insisting on being paid in Euros.
As Michael VOs about negotiation and today's win-win-win outcome, Roy and Pam hug goodbye and go their separate ways. Michael goes on about the perks of his job -- one of them in particular -- until Jan pops up behind him and snaps, "Michael!" in that way she has.
Everyone's leaving the office for the day, so it's just Angela and Dwight left. Or so they think. She shows him the file she lifted from Toby's desk, and invites him over to read it together that night. Dwight accepts, and they start making out. This means that neither one of them notices when Jim steps out of the men's room and sees their clinch through the window in the kitchen door. Jim's head swivels around, as one's does when one's world is being turned upside-down, and he spots the camera behind him. He ducks back into the bathroom, and leans against the sinks, amazed. "I..." he stammers, and then makes the leap: "...will never say a word. And now," he smiles at us, "we are even." Well, that might actually depend on how long he ends up trapped in there, and what he sees the time he ventures a peek out. There are worse things to get an eyeful of than pepper spray.
Andy returns to the office for his first day back, all excited about having a fresh start after his anger management training. "Look out, Dunder Mifflin!" he says to us in the parking lot. Then he realizes that he should probably clarify that he means that in a fun way. And then the minute he steps into the bullpen, all cheerful and pleasant, Dwight blasts him with the pepper spray. "No need to thank me," Dwight announces as Andy writhes blindly on the carpet. And then Dwight VOs that he's still not a hero, not like Hiro from Heroes, as we see Toby confiscating Dwight's entire desk-drawer weapons cache. "Also Bono," Dwight adds.