Michael's in a straitjacket. About fucking time. Oh, I see, he's getting ready to do a magic trick. He THs about magic being not just for kids, but for anyone with a little extra time after school. Cut to Michael rising "dramatically" from behind the reception desk, whispering "Magic magic magic magic" and festooned with chains over the straitjacket. Talking with a lisp that's obviously caused by whatever's stashed inside his mouth (hmm, what could it be? A pinch of Skoal? A giant epithelioma?), Michael introduces himself as "Michael the Magic" and asks everyone how he can escape from "extreme bondage." Michael starts to count down, but before he can get very far, Jim just confirms that Michael doesn't want anyone to help him if he gets stuck. "No matter how much you might beg and plead?" Pam asks. Michael gets started. He begins by turning his back to everyone, shaking and grunting fakely, but since he's still facing the camera, we can clearly see when he extrudes a key from between his teeth. We can also see when he drops it on the floor. Jim wordlessly sticks his foot out, hiding the key under his shoe and looking at us with that Ain't I a stinker? look he's got so perfected. Michael gives up on the key, but keeps up the act, writhing around and bellowing until he eventually ends up in his office, lying on the floor and drawing the blinds with his feet. From behind his desk, still bound and with his hair in disarray, Michael promises to escape using magic, at some point, in some fashion which he can't yet reveal. "Separately, on an unrelated note, if you happen to find a small brass key..."
Dwight and Michael are headed out, and when Pam refuses to smell Michael's breath, Dwight is only too happy to take a mighty whiff. "Good not great," he pronounces. From his office, Michael explains that the CFO is having a party at his house that night, and it's his and Jan's first public appearance as a couple. By the way, Michael looks quite snazzy in a red shirt and tie under his suit. Out in the bullpen, Michael tries to get Jim to carpool with him and Dwight. Jim declines, even under a withering flurry of "tantalizing" offers from Michael regarding road trip activities like "I spy." Jim THs about why he doesn't want to go at all. "I don't know any of these people. It's an obligation. I don't like talking paper in my free time (or in my work time). And did I use the word 'pointless'?"
Michael and Dwight are in the car together, and Michael is starting to realize that maybe Dwight shouldn't be coming, as a non-manager. Before he can explore that further, Jan calls, suggesting they blow off the party. "Am I on speakerphone?" she asks, too late, as if she's ever not. Her follow-up question is whether anyone else is -- "Hiii, Jaaan!" Dwight sings out. Michael picks up the handset, but the speaker is still on as Jan says something inappropriate about ripping into each other in a motel room. "Am I still on speaker?" she asks, again, and again too late. Michael...doesn't know. "Talk to you later, Jaaan!" Dwight sings out as they hang up.
Roy's doing the Reception Lean, as Pam tells him that since Michael left early, they're all going to Poor Richard's that evening. Roy doesn't want to, since he and his brother plan to get hammered that night. Something about jet skis. Pam points out that they're going to a bar after all, and when Roy continues to be reticent, she lays down the law: If he's going to be her boyfriend, he's going to do boyfriend things. Roy agrees; to his credit, his smile indicates that he's actually kind of impressed. So it sounds like she's working on that honesty and courage" thing, as she THs. "Look out, world, old Pammy's getting what she wants. And don't call me Pammy!" Well, yes, everyone knows it's spelled with one "m" and an "ie."
Michael and Dwight arrive at Dunder Mifflin CFO David Wallace's house, only to find caterers and waiters walking around in snazzy red shirts and ties. As always, Dwight nails it for Michael: "You're dressed exactly like the servants." Michael pulls Dwight behind a catering van and makes him swap shirts. "That would have been really embarrassing," grins Dwight, standing all shirtless and doughy and pasty in the bright sun outside his boss's boss's boss's house.
The gang -- Angela, Oscar, Pam, Stanley, and Toby -- enter Poor Richard's. A duck in the coin-operated crane machine catches Pam's eye, and Toby silently resolves to win it for her. And maybe win something else while he's at it.
Michael knocks on Wallace's door, and Mrs. Wallace answers, wearing a robe and her hair up in a towel. Michael THs that only really good friends show up really early, so of course this means he and the Wallaces are really good friends. He's kind of mixing up the cause and effect here. Inside, he presents the hostess with a Tupperware container of potato salad, which she plunks down on the good silver on the buffet table. Michael admits to us that it's been in the car all day, so we might want to be careful. Surprisingly, he doesn't add that it's smart for a guest to poison the other guests so that he's the only one left.
At the Dunder Mifflin table at Poor Richard's, someone brings up the subject of the date for Kevin and Stacey's wedding. It seems they've set one. So when is it? "It's complicated," Kevin says. Seeing all the curious faces, he touchily says, "I would appreciate some space on this." Oh, he gets space, all right. Roy and his brother Kenny show up, there's another mention of the jet ski sub-microplot before they go to get drinks. Toby's still busy with the crane machine. Surprisingly, he's finding it difficult to pick anything up.
The Wallaces' cocktail party is underway, and Dwight makes some buffet-table conversation with a little-known fact: "You know that line on the top of the shrimp? That's feces." Okay, all the product placement on this show is one thing, but I think shaking down the shrimp industry for protection money is out of line.
Out in the driveway, Jan has arrived, and she gives Michael a waiver that she needs him to sign in connection with their relationship. They each get a copy, and so does HR. It's to protect the company, but Michael takes the legal document as a sign of Jan's love, and turns into a big schmoopy schmoopball as a result.. Before going inside, Jan apparently decides to have a nerve-steadying cigarette, which gives her time to TH about this being a "calculated risk," the upside being: "I overcome my nausea, fall deeply in love, babies, normalcy, no more self-loathing. Downside? I date Michael Scott publicly and collapse in on myself like a dying star." Hmm, does that count as a spoiler? Michael signs his copy of the document with a heart over the I in his name. Back to Jan's TH, where she's just been asked why this is so hard. Her answer: "That's what she said. Oh my god, what am I saying?" As they head into the party, Jan tries to keep Michael from acting like the particular brand of diamond-commercial moron he's acting like right now.
Inside, Dwight is rudely calling another guest an idiot for not watching Battlestar Galactica. Michael reenters with Jan, babbling knowledgeably at the Wallaces so that everyone knows he's been here before. More normal pleasantries are exchanged, and then Michael blurts, "Jan and I are lovers." Jan asks for a minute alone with David, leaving Michael alone with Rachel. For about a tenth of a second, that is, before Rachel practically runs into a camera getting out of there.
Pam leaves the bar with two beers, and returns, saying one of them is supposed to be a light. She smiles proudly at us as the bartender fixes his mistake. Whoa, Pam, try not to be such a bulldozer.
At the party, the non-B*G-watching idiot asks Michael how the merger went. Michael says it went great, and tells him to ask Karen, who's standing right there. "I'm the only one left," Karen says, "Everyone else was either fired or quit. And there's one in anger management." The Wallaces join the little grouping, as does Dwight, asking about the house's square footage. Michael tells Dwight that's not appropriate, and asks David how much the house cost. Jim spits his drink back into his glass. Dwight wants to look around. As Rachel leads him off for what she thinks is going to be a normal tour, Karen points out another guest across the room, a guy that she used to date. Jim claims to be glad to know. In the background, Dwight seems to be testing the stability of a banister by trying to shake it loose.
Wallace entertains some high-rollers (and Michael) in his den with some twenty-year old single malt scotch he got from Lee Iacocca . Michael not only chokes on it, he asks for some Splenda to add to it. Everyone looks at him askance, but just wait until everyone's drinking Johnnie Walker Blue with Sweet & Low.
At Poor Richard's, the gang is playing some bar game I'm not familiar with called Up Jenkins that involves quarters hidden under hands. Roy finds the coin under Pam's hand, and gloats that she can't keep anything from him. Naturally he doesn't notice the guilt-face she makes that indicates she's keeping something from him right now. Meanwhile, at the bar, a bunch of very young people greet Creed like an old friend. That would be because of his fake ID sideline. And also because he is their friend, and old.
At the Wallaces' party, Rachel lets Dwight wander off on his own, so he can do things like test the smoke alarm.
Jim and Karen say goodnight to a departing couple, and Karen admits that she saw the husband while he was separated from his wife. Jim is still playing it cool. "It was before I knew you, so it's fine." Over by the fireplace, Jan is being embarrassed by Michael's babbling to Wallace about Sandals, and drags him off angrily, where she throws him into a corner by his lapels and furiously grits, "Just...just...just...just..." And then she kisses him and drags him into the bathroom. "I thought this was where you liked your privacy," Michael says, confused. And after the ads, Michael refuses to ravish Jan in the bathroom because there's no place to cuddle, so she angrily storms out. Because she is losing it.
Toby joins Pam at her table and presents her with the duck he finally won for her. She asks where he's been all night; she missed him. "Hey, don't you have a daughter?" she asks, giving him back the duck. Oh, poor Toby.
A Wallace kid wakes up in his bed to find a Schrute in his rocking chair, quizzing him about it. He's going to have nightmares for the rest of his life.
Downstairs, Jim watches across the room, increasingly uncomfortable as Karen fiddles with the non-B*G-watching idiot's tie. Suddenly Wallace is standing to him, inviting him to sneak out back and shoot hoops with him for a bit. Someone's got a crush. Jim goes and tells Karen, who's excited for him, but warns him not to tell Wallace that he's dating Karen. "Because I think he might still have feelings for me," she explains. Finally, Jim can't keep his cool, and asks, "What the hell, have you dated, like, every guy here?" Karen just smiles at him. Fillipelli's revenge! She tells Jim he's actually his first, much to his surprise. "Oh, my God, you're so easy it's not even fun!" she says. Properly pranked, Jim takes off. Jan wanders up to Karen. "Hey, Jan," Karen says. "Not too good," Jan answers. Michael overhears Rachel make a comment about Michael's potato salad, and he THs randomly about that before stopping and abruptly saying, "There's something wrong with Jan." You think?
Out back, Jim and David's guy-bonding is interrupted by the sound of Dwight, up on the roof, kicking the chimney. Jim just continues the game like nothing unusual is going on. Which, from his perspective, working with Dwight every day, it really isn't. Dwight gives us the results of his inspection of the house, summing up, "It was a pretty fun cocktail party."
Pam and Roy are at the bar, and Pam is telling him there can't be secrets between them. Thinking he's about to be accused of something, Roy insists he didn't do anything. Pam just tells him, "I kissed Jim." Maybe you heard something about it. She tries to explain, but Roy's already too pissed off to listen. Pam tells him not to yell. "Don't yell?" he yells, and then throws his glass at the mirror behind the bar. Pam stands up, saying, "This is over." Roy angrily agrees, and gets back to trashing the bar, joined by Kenny for some reason. I didn't think this was what they meant by getting smashed.
After the party, Jan rides to Michael in the car, talking about how much better it was when their relationship was secret. Michael is theatrically hurt. Jan tells him not to cry. Michael continues his dramatics, until Jan eats shit for some reason, swallowing her pride and telling Michael she didn't mean it. "I love you," Michael says. "Okay," Jan answers. Suddenly Dwight's giant head hovers into view from the back seat and says, "Don't break up, guys. You're great together." Yikes. On many levels.
Roy's in the parking lot outside Poor Richard's, and Kenny comes out to say the cops aren't coming, since he paid the bar owners off with the jet ski money. Too bad that microsubplot didn't also pay off. "I am gonna kill Jim Halpert," Roy vows (spoiler!).