Jim seems to be having computer problems. After the Windows chime sounds, he offers Dwight an Altoid®. What's that about? Well, Jim THs about Pavlov's dog, and explains that he's been performing a similar experiment. Every time Jim's computer dings, he gives Dwight an Altoid®. For two weeks. And then one day, he doesn't, instead sitting there blank-faced and apparently confused about why Dwight is absent-mindedly holding his hand out for a mint. Dwight can't explain it himself. "My mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden," he grimaces. I'd say the experiment is a success!
It's Phyllis's wedding day, and on the front steps of the church, Michael's horning in on the photos of the wedding party. The photographer's used to dealing with guys like him, though, and finesses him out smoothly. If only temporarily. It turns out that Michael believes he actually is in the wedding party, since Phyllis has asked him to push her father's wheelchair down the aisle. "I am co-giving away the bride," he claims. "It's a big day for Phyllis, but it's an even bigger day for me. Employer of the bride!"
Phyllis gives a mock-regretful TH about putting Michael in her wedding, and how she got six weeks for her honeymoon in return. Worth it? We shall see.
And Pam notes that Phyllis used the same invitations as the ones Pam used for her and Roy's wedding. "So it was kind of like being invited to my own wedding," Pam cracks. She has no idea.
As everyone arrives at the church, Stanley and Teri find out that Jim and Karen also got Phyllis and Bob a toaster. Although I suspect that Stanley's toaster is the same one he planned to give Pam and Roy last June. Dwight, in his tux (the one his grandfather was buried in, with the vest that stops short of his pants so he looks like he's in the first stage of Hulking out of it), greets Angela in her Jackie Kennedy ensemble, and they split off unconvincingly. And then Dwight THs about how the Schrutes get married standing in their own graves. "It makes the funerals romantic. But the weddings are a bleak affair." How could marrying a Schrute not be?
While Pam is signing the guest book, Karen notices the flower wreath with the initials "P&R," which Jim figures stands for Phyllis and Robert. "Also? Pam and Roy!" Pam THs hotly.
Michael enters the room where Phyllis is getting made all fancy, and starts out by offering to talk about "tonight" and what he imagines are her concerns about pleasing Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration. And then he accuses her of farting. And then he tries to "fix" her hair, putting his hands all over it and everything. It may be bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding, but it's obviously even worse luck for Michael Scott to do so.
Michael confesses that he's only been to one wedding in his life: his mom's wedding to Jeff, at which he was the ring bearer. He even shows us a little home- movie snippet of himself, starting down the aisle with his light-colored suit pants visibly wet in front and then hurling the ring with a shrill scream of "I hate you!" Michael tells us that then Jeff's dog took over as ring bearer and then peed on everything. "And nobody said boo," Michael points out. Of course, you expect a dog to pee on everything. And by this logic, Phyllis deserves everything that's coming to her.
As guests file into the chapel, Dwight asks Jim why there are so many guests. Jim speculates that some of them are wedding crashers. Dwight THs that he saw Wedding Crashers accidentally, after buying a ticket for Grizzly Man and going into the wrong theater. But he stayed just in case. "That's the thing about bear attacks," Dwight says. "They come when you least expect it." I can think of a few scenes in Wedding Crashers that would have benefited from a little ursine invasion myself. Back in the chapel, Jim ruefully tells Dwight that he only wishes he had the "investigative powers" to bust the wedding crashers. The hook is set, and Dwight vows to take care of it.
In one of the pews, Kevin introduces himself to Toby's hot date and asks where he found her. "At the gym," Toby says. Kevin is snickeringly skeptical.
Meredith tells Kelly you're not supposed to wear white to a wedding, and Kelly responds that it was an emergency. "I look really good in white," she THs.
It's almost time for the processional. Michael has his sweaty palms on the handles of Phyllis's dad's wheelchair, and he critiques the ring-bearer's entrance. I should point out that at least this ring bearer is wearing black, whatever continence issues he may or m ay not have. The door at the back of the chapel opens on Phyllis, her dad Elbert, and Michael, which is always a magical moment. "That's my dress," Pam tells us in a shocked whisper. The three of them start down the aisle, but after only a few steps, Elbert hits the brakes and starts to stand up. Michael tries to stop him, but everyone's amazed at the old man's miraculous recovery on this memorable occasion, and they break out into emotional applause. As Phyllis and Elbert go on ahead without him, Michael is more moved than anybody else at having been present for such an amazing event. In a reverent whisper, he tells us, "This is bullshit."
In a post-ceremony TH, a left-out-feeling Michael complains that he was supposed to be the highlight of the wedding, and now the wedding "has no highlight." As he continues in VO about how screwed he feels as we see him dragging the empty wheelchair up the aisle as noisily as possible, just to make sure people are still paying attention to him. "Show's not over," Michael threatens. Eventually he makes his way to the altar and wedges himself in between the groomsmen.
Creed's out by the unattended gifts, replacing the card on someone else's gift with one from himself. Which is pretty generous, for Creed. I expected him to be loading up his car by now.
Back at the ceremony, the minister asks Phyllis if she takes "Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration" to be her husband. Phyllis does. And Michael steps out in front of the groomsmen and loudly introduces them for the first time, like he's seen people do on TV. After a long, silent pause, the minister continues. He still has to ask Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration the same question, after all. Embarrassed, Michael steps back in line. But then he does it again, stepping on the "kiss the bride" moment and assuming that the thunderous applause in the hall is for himself.
Afterward, in the reception line, Angela "compliments" Phyllis's white dress. Michael shakes Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration's hand, seriously saying. "If you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you." Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration smilingly returns the sentiment, and it's pretty obvious which one of them would back it up, not to mention enjoy it more. Michael spots Elbert, back in his wheelchair, and rudely accuses, "Bet you can hear me, too." And Dwight demands a guest manifest from Phyllis for security purposes, and is pretty bent out of shape that she doesn't have one.
At the reception, Kelly is being surprisingly astute about how much this must be bothering Pam, to be at the doppelganger of her own wedding. "If I were you I would just freak out and get really drunk and tell somebody I was pregnant." "Okay, that's a lot of good ideas, thanks," Pam says.
Dwight is giving the hairy eyeball to an old guy in brown who butters a biscuit and stashes it in his pocket. Dwight moves in, and when the guy can't seem to come up with the names of the bride and groom, he escorts him out.
Michael comes up to ask Phyllis how he can help, saying he sent back the chicken for being undercooked. "It's fish," Phyllis says. "I...will take care of that!" Michael chirps, and THs about his knowledge of fine food and wine. "This is a white," he informs us, holding up a glass. Amazingly, he appears to be correct.
Having changed into his weekend rock-star clothes, Kevin boasts to us that this is actually Scrantonicity's third wedding, counting the bassist's wedding and the guitarist's wedding. Presumably Kevin and Stacy's will make it four. Cut to Kevin behind the drum kit on the bandstand, asking if anyone has seen Uncle Al. "He is old, and he has brown eyes and dementia. His family is very worried. This is a very serious situation." Whereupon he starts belting out "Roxanne" in falsetto. Dwight looks around shiftily. Once again, Jim gets off scot-free for getting a Dwight-prank all over everyone.
Roy scoots over to sit to Pam and remark that this is a really nice wedding. He even noticed that the flowers are the same color as the ones Roy gave her at prom! It's cute, because he thinks he's being super-observant and romantic here. Pam explains the deal, and Roy at least has the grace to be embarrassed. "I guess I wasn't too involved in the planning," he understates. Pam agrees ruefully. "You think it sucks for you? I'm the one who actually wanted to get married," Roy says.
Uncle Al starts wandering across a "don't walk" intersection. Fortunately the honking horns deter him. The documentary crew didn't lift a finger, as far as I can tell.
Back at the reception, Michael snatches the mic from the best man at the conclusion of his toast, and says the most terrifying words in the English language: "Hi, I'm Michael Scott, and for the forty minutes..." And then he seems to start his speech four different times. "The most important part of a speech is the opening line," he THs some time beforehand, "And when time is not a factor, I like to try out three or four different ones." Oh, dear God. As Michael gets more and more offensive, Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration eventually stands up and takes the mic away. Michael complains that he's owed this, after getting upstaged by Phyllis's dad. But Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration forcibly ejects him anyway. Michael is dragged out, emitting a shrill scream of "I hate you!"
Scrantonicity rocks "Message in a Bottle" for a busy dance floor. Out by the guest book, Jim encourages Pam to dance. She demurs, calling herself a dorky dancer. Jim agrees, "and it's very cute." He THs that if Pam were interested...but that's too hypothetical. Not going there. No sirree.
Dwight stops Michael at the door, as Michael tries to sneak back in. Michael begs that he just wants to sit quietly and have a piece of cake. Dwight apologizes that he has to bounce him. "It gives me no pleasure," he assures Michael, and then grins at us as soon as Michael's back is turned. Shouldn't Dwight be out looking for Uncle Al or something? With Jim?
Pam gets tired of sitting and watching Karen and Jim slow-dancing to "Fields of Gold" (Scrantonicity, branching out into the Sting solo stuff!), and gets up and leaves the room. On her way out, the camera pans by a window where we see Michael periodically hopping up to try to see in.
Later, Pam's out in the hall, alone with a drink while Scrantonicity plays "You Were Meant for Me." By Jewel? What is going on here? Roy comes and points out that they've gone beyond their mandate, since he slipped them 20 bucks. And the sheet music? That song isn't exactly "Louie Louie." How can Pam possibly decline to dance with Roy after that? So they go outside to slow-dance. Out of view, Dwight and Angela do the same. Michael, on the other hand, is pouting alone on a stone bench in the churchyard. Pam and Roy end up leaving together, and when they come back and get their coats to leave, Jim notices, and looks like he just got kicked in the goolies. It can't be an accident that the song playing during this moment is "Every Breath You Take." Jim's watching you, Pam.
"Here's a non-hypothetical," Jim THs. "I'm really happy I'm with Karen." So why does he seem so angry?
Cut to Karen onstage, singing "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" with the band. Jim waves his cell phone at her. Keeping up the act.
Phyllis throws the bouquet. Ryan makes sure that Kelly drops it, and it ends up being retrieved by Toby's date. Toby's thrilled. "Yeah! Toby!" he celebrates, because it's not like anyone else is going to.
Uncle Al has wandered back to the churchyard, where he's sitting on the bench with Michael. Finally, Michael has found a conversational partner on his own level. Or so you think, until Uncle Al floats a non sequitur and Michael spits, "Dude, keep it together. I listened to you for a half hour and most of that stuff went right over my head." And the whole wedding en masse, exits, as Phyllis and Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration are leaving. Michael stops Phyllis to apologize, and Phyllis is so happy that Michael found Uncle Al that she kisses him on the cheek. All better! As we see the happy couple get into their going-away car (a Vance Refrigeration delivery van, which Pam and Roy would have looked weird getting into at their wedding), Michael starts in on weddings and cake and Margaret Thatcher and dear God shut up already.
The tag is Phyllis and Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration doing the cake-smearing thing. Michael doesn't get it, and goes running up with a napkin like they've made a horrible mistake and are embarrassing themselves in front of everybody. But then he makes it worse, saying, "Get me!" and smearing frosting on his chin. How did he not invite himself along on the honeymoon, anyway?