Michael addresses a video camera (held by Dwight) in his office: "Hello, son. If you're watching this, that means I'm already dead." And what does it mean that the rest of us are watching it? Well, it seems that Michael had a little brush with mortality yesterday in the form of a minor electrical outlet-cleaning mishap, and he wants his future son to know "the deal-io of life" in the event of Michael's death. Back to the recording, where Michael is saying that he wants to teach his son things that his mom won't be able to. Because she doesn't exist? And neither does their son?
Cut to the parking lot, where Michael demonstrates the wrong way to jumpstart a car. He seriously thinks that if he just keeps talking, it makes whatever he says true. Fortunately, Dwight is there shaking his head into the camera. The tip is how to take off a woman's bra, but Pam doesn't want to sit for the demonstration, so Dwight does. Which, since the instruction consists of "twist your hand until something breaks," isn't that helpful anyway. Michael concludes by telling his future son he will always love him no matter what. "What if he's a murderer? Maybe that's how you die," Dwight speculates. Michael tries to get Dwight back in line, clearly giving some thought to how Dwight dies, and how Michael can dispose of the body.
Michael comes out into the bullpen, and says that with six days left before Phyllis's wedding -- perhaps her "only wedding ever" -- he's taking it upon himself to make sure everyone looks good, and is instituting prima nocta. For those of us who don't know Latin and didn't see Braveheart, Jim THs that this is a custom whereby the king deflowers every new bride on her wedding night. Back to the bullpen, where Michael furiously backpedals, having been filled in. And in his office, he THs that he's trying to build up excitement about Phyllis's wedding because he wants her to return the favor when the time comes. Of course, Phyllis will be very old by then. Yes, I know they're the same age.
Michael enters the conference room with a cheery "What's up, spinstas?" to the women there. Which, amazingly enough, is pretty much all of them save Phyllis. After being told that it's girls-only, Michael assures them that he's not worried; the guys are meeting up with Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration in the warehouse that afternoon -- not for a guys' night out, but for a guys' afternoon in. A GAI, if you will. Only it's not gay. Really, it's an "hour-long shower with guys." Which isn't gay at all. To his credit, Michael realizes that he's just getting in deeper, and stops digging. Too late.
Back at her desk, Karen glances across the bullpen to see Jim yawning. She assures us that she and Jim were in a "rough patch" for a while, but now they're better. For Jim's part, all he says is that he and Karen have been having long talks at night. Every night. You can tell how he feels about this by the subtle "Chicks, man" vibe he's giving off. Back in the bullpen, Karen suddenly gets up from her desk, comes over, and hugs Jim from behind. Pam senses something going on. "I've gotten pretty good at reading the back of Jim's neck," she THs. I'm sure she's memorized it by now.
And because there is no situation that can't be made worse with the addition of Todd F. Packer, here he is now, with his homophobic slurs against Jim and even ruder comments to Karen upon learning she's Jim's girlfriend. Fortunately, everyone is rescued by Michael, who comes out and pretends to have a heart attack so that Packer can pretend to beat him up. I don't know, they seem to think it's hilarious. In Michael's office, Michael's trying to get Packer to show up for the bachelor party in the warehouse that day. Packer can't make it, but he asks about the stripper situation. Michael makes his required one reasonable comment per episode, saying that he can't do that on company property: "Sexual harassment." Packer's solution: get one for the girls, too. "Separate but equal," he says. "So that's what that means," Michael realizes. He learns something every day, doesn't he?
So then he comes out into the bullpen to announce the coed naked strippers. Angela protests. "SHUT UP, ANGELA!" bellows Meredith. Hee.
Jim, in the break room. Pam, sticking her nose in his business. She gets Jim to admit that he and Karen have been up late a few nights. and Pam babbles awkwardly about the importance of sleep, all jovial and fake-cool, like...Michael. It's eerie. At least she seems embarrassed about it after Jim's gone.
While Michael and Ryan head out to get "supplies," Michael quietly assigns Jim to stripper detail. "Absolutely not," Jim says firmly. "I'm on it," says Dwight, and gets right on the phone: "Ruddy cheeks, thick calves, no tats, no moles. No tats. Of course I want--" Thank God Jim is there to stop him before the network censors have to. Dwight tells Jim to hire the male stripper. But first he asks Jim, "Redhead or brunette?" "Blonde," says Jim for some reason, which will probably be good for about another week of late-night talks with Karen. Pam and Karen look at each other awkwardly. Hey, at least he didn't say "off-brown."
Michael and Ryan are in a porn shop, where Michael can't manage to do anything but giggle at everything. Since almost the entire background is pixilated, I can't really blame him. Jim calls Michael's cell and asks, "Albert Einstein, Ben Franklin, or SpongeBob SquarePants?" Yes, Jim called not "The Banana Sling," as recommended by Michael, but "Scholastic Speakers of Pennsylvania."
And sure enough, when Ryan and Michael are heading back up to the office, a guy in full Benjamin Franklin regalia, complete with half-bald wig, joins them. Not that Michael realizes that Jim hired a lecturer instead of a stripper. "You wearing a thong?" Michael giggles at the author of Poor Richard's Almanac.
Up in the conference room, Michael smarmily introduces to the ladies "the one, the only, the sexy, Mr. Benjamin Franklin." Enter Ben Franklin, in character. Michael calls him one of the "sexiest presidents ever." Ben Franklin corrects him that he never was president. "No, but Ben Franklin was," Michael explains quietly. And we get to watch a historical figure doing the familiar mental calculation of whether it's better to let an idiotic statement stand or get into a debate with an idiot. Ben Franklin launches into his lecture, and Michael leaves, the only one who hasn't yet figured out that he isn't a stripper at all.
Jim and Dwight wait in the parking lot to meet the female stripper, which is going to be a first for both of them. A petite blonde woman gets out of her car and comes up to them, introducing herself as Elizabeth, the dancer, causing Dwight some confusion which he resolves with his typical rudeness. Jim gets a text message from Michael asking, "Is she hot?" Michael is actually inside the glass front door, and it about to clap eyes on Elizabeth himself in about ten seconds, but apparently that was just too long for him to wait. Dwight tells Jim to text back, "Kind of." Elizabeth is still standing right there, I hasten to add.
Ben Franklin is telling the ladies about his famous kite flight, complete with a visual aid. I know you're only reading about this and not seeing it, so I don't mind telling you that said visual aid is, naturally, a kite. Only Angela is listening raptly, but Karen interrupts to ask Ben Franklin whether he has a girlfriend. Franklin says that he has a wife, and Pam brings up Ben Franklin's girlfriends in Paris. "Like, a lot of them?" Franklin calls that a "gray area of [his] life," and moves on.
Outside, Ryan watches Michael "grill" the steaks. Except that instead of a big, smoky Weber, Michael is using his George Foreman. "I got all the foot off of it," Michael insists.
In the women's party, Ben Franklin's getting a little flirty, tying a cherry stem in his mouth and winking at Pam when she asks if he wears boxers, briefs, or pantaloons. Someone needs to codpiece-block that guy, and fast.
Michael serves the steaks, which he insists on calling "man meat," encouraged by Jim. Stanley tries to cut into one, but his plastic cutlery breaks. "Of course," he sighs. Creed just picks his up and bites into it like a sandwich.
Karen and Pam are in the kitchen, doing whatever and joking about how one grows up to become a Ben Franklin impersonator. That warms Karen up to bring up the infamous Jim/Pam kiss and try to make sure that Pam isn't still interested in Jim. "Oh, yeah," Pam says, by which she claims to actually means no. More babbling from Pam, who is quite the motormouth this episode. "Sorry," she finally says. Karen asks what she means. Even Pam doesn't know. Well, I hope this little talk has set Karen's mind at ease.
Kevin's dealing a hand of No-Limit Deuce to Seven Lowball (whatever that is) to Jim, Ryan, and Roy. And then Michael just swoops in, grabs the cards, and starts "shuffling," by smearing the cards around on the table like my three-year-old, only less smoothly. Enter Elizabeth in her costume, which is a slutty-businesswoman outfit. Suddenly, in these clothes, she looks a good deal like a shorter, post-enhancement Jan Levinson, with a shorter, post-scissors skirt on. You can probably imagine what that would look like, even in the unlikely event that you haven't before. With Jan the furthest thing from his tiny little mind, Michael giddily introduces Elizabeth to everyone. Roy THs that strippers aren't nearly as sexy as Pam's art. Very convincing. Elizabeth has Dwight start her music, and asks for the groom. Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration ducks out, so Michael takes over the chair just vacated by Roy so that he can have the lap dance. It's just as awkward and horrible as you'd think, but then it gets worse when Michael suddenly remembers that he has a girlfriend. He ends up standing up, nearly tipping the poor shirtless Elizabeth on her ass. He calls an end to the whole thing. Elizabeth still has her pink bra on, because that isn't what twisted and broke after all.
After the ads, Dwight shows the re-suited Elizabeth to Oscar's desk and tells her to answer the phone when it rings. "We hired you for three hours' work and we're gonna get it," he says. Whatever Angela was going to say to Elizabeth is forestalled when the stripper compliments the baby musicians poster. Kevin just sits there drooling.
Meanwhile, at Reception, Ben Franklin is hitting on Pam for real. His actual name's Gordon, and he has a great deal of confidence for a guy wearing knickers and a half-bald wig and who was just asked by his target, "Didn't Ben Franklin have syphilis?"
Back in his office, Michael struggles with the moral dilemma of whether to tell Jan about what just transpired, speaking to an unknown confidant. Turns out it's Ben Franklin, back in character, admitting to having fathered an illegitimate son. "These things only serve to upset the women," Ben Franklin advises. "They really are the gentler sex." I wish he could meet Jan, and get stabbed with a high heel right in the center of his shoe buckle. Michael is moved by the founding father's sage advice. "Wow, Ben Franklin," he says. "You're really kind of a sleazebag."
Michael comes and finds Elizabeth in the kitchen to ask what she thinks. "Secrets secrets are no fun. Secrets secrets hurt someone," Elizabeth quotes, obviously over the guy who dumped her half-dressed ass on a warehouse floor. But that's all Michael needed to hear.
In the break room, Dwight has taken it upon himself to prove that Ben Franklin isn't really Ben Franklin, trying to trip him up with period trivia. I'm not sure what Ben Franklin is doing still hanging around there. "I don't care what Jim says," Dwight THs. "That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure."
Michael gets Jan on speaker, and begins his confession. And she is irritated about the bachelor party, but not for the reasons Michael thinks. Rather, it's for the reasons you would think, which is that Michael threw a bachelor party in the warehouse during the day.
In the break room, Kelly is being all insecure with Ryan about the stripper while Jim looks on. Ryan makes her change the subject, so Kelly claims that Pam was flirting with Ben Franklin. Pam, who has just entered to get herself a soda, laughs. "Yeah, right," she scoffs. Jim mocks her, which is pretty ballsy of him considering that Ben Franklin was there in the first place because Jim pranked not just Michael and Dwight, but all the women in the office with his little stunt. Not that anyone ever says a word to him about it, because he's Jim. Still, Pam isn't about to take his abuse lying down. So she tells Ryan to set her up with one of his business school friends, and leaves Jim standing to the snack machine looking like his bag of chips didn't fall. Advantage: Beesly.
Pam returns to Reception, where Elizabeth is munching on the M&Ms and commenting that she'd get fat if she worked there. "I lose my appetite all the time," Pam remarks sourly. Elizabeth suggests that Pam try stripping. Hey, where's that deleted scene?
Michael is relieved that Jan isn't going to dump him over this. "I'm closer to firing you," she says, dead-serious. Michael figures he's off the hook, and indeed, she just wants to get back to her meeting. After the call, Michael tells us it's weird that a sketchball like Ben Franklin can be president, but someone like Elizabeth can't, despite being able to give great advice that rhymes.
Dwight's cross-examination of Ben Franklin continues, as he asks the bespectacled visitor if he's nearsighted or farsighted. "Both!" Ben Franklin smugs. "That's why I invented the bifocals." Dwight bellows in defeat, dropping the anachronistic chocolate bar and football he's been holding. I guess that must be the real Benjamin Franklin after all.