By Wing Chun
In the kitchen, Pam pops microwave popcorn. But it's not for a NewsRadio homage where someone can accuse her of having an eating disorder because she's going to eat it for breakfast. No, she's preparing it, at Michael's behest, for Movie Monday. Michael explains to the camera that the only cure he knows for the Monday blues is Varsity Blues. You know, I've seen that movie, and it would have to be one grim Monday to be improved by exposure to The Beek. We also see that Michael keeps his DVDs in a safe in his office, lest someone attempt to abscond with material they could find used at any Blockbuster in the country. For a dollar.
Dwight directs everyone into seats set up in the conference room. Pam enters with a tray, holding six bags of microwave popcorn, and when no one is interested in it at what is probably 9 AM, she sighs, "Of course not." She interviews that the tradition of Movie Monday started with training videos, but once they'd run through those, and a medical video, they started watching movies in half-hour increments -- except an episode of Entourage, which Michael made them watch six times. I bet it was the one where Johnny Drama had an inflated opinion of himself.
Michael: "Entouraaaaaaaaaaaaaaage." It makes you wonder if Ryan is aware that he's the Vincent to Michael's Ari.
After credits, Michael tells Kevin to do the scenes from week. Dwight complains that Kevin gets to do it, but Michael shuts him down and orders him to get the blinds as Kevin recaps the movie so far. Dwight is too busy sulking at having been replaced by Kevin to notice that, below the window, Jan is on her way in from the parking lot. And she doesn't look like she's getting ready to don a whipped-cream bikini, either.
Jan walks into the bullpen and looks around to find it empty.
Dwight interviews that some people don't approve of Movie Monday, though he doesn't want to say who.
Angela: "I don't approve. I don't." Not when it's Varsity Blues, sure -- but Michael could probably win her over with Look Who's Talking or The Aristocats.
In the bullpen, Jan looks around for signs of human life. Angela materializes from somewhere and pointedly clears her throat, pointing at the conference room.
Jan opens the door to the conference room and busts Michael, who's totally unconcerned and guiltless under her gaze: "Hope you brought the Milk Duds!" Nah, those are still a few months off.
Cut to Jan, laying into Michael in his office, demanding to know how the movie could possibly increase productivity. Michael sheepishly admits that people work faster afterward because they have to make up the time they lost watching the movie. Jan: "No." But they were going to watch Rules Of Attraction !
Angela calls Dwight to the kitchen, where she hisses at his back that Michael's going to get them all fired. Dwight says that won't happen. Angela plaintively says that Jan has it in for Michael now, and Dwight says that's not Michael's fault. He then interviews that Jan's animosity is all about Michael's having chosen Carole over Jan: "Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms." Note that Dwight isn't testing out his "weak arms" theory on Jan in this moment. Back in the kitchen, Angela tells Dwight that he should be running the office. This clearly strikes a chord in Dwight, who takes about half an hour to say that Michael would never let him. Angela says it's Jan's call, and that he should talk to her. Dwight says he couldn't, and Angela passive-aggresses that he should just let them all get fired instead, before stomping out of the room and leaving Dwight to ponder his own basest, most secret desires.
Angela interviews that she knows patience and loyalty are virtues, but that sometimes you just have to grow a pair. Why should Dwight do that, though, when Angela's got pairs to spare?
Stamford. Jim interviews that Call Of Duty is a big deal at the branch; everyone plays. Unfortunately, Jim sucks at it. He says they weren't so much into videogames in Scranton -- he and Pam were more likely to hum the same high-pitched note to try to make Dwight call an ear doctor. Pam called it Pretendonitis. He smiles wistfully at his recollection of this wholesome, analog fun.
Speaking of Pam: while signing for a package, she calls Kelly to say her stuff just came; immediately, she has to pull the phone away from her ear because Kelly is squealing at a deafening pitch and probably having a shopgasm back there in her cube. Pam then interviews that Kelly is a huge fan of online shopping (hope you were sitting down for that shocking character detail), and that Pam thought it might be time for her to get some new clothes. No, that time was 1994.
In Kelly's cube, Pam pulls a berry-coloured silk top out to show Kelly, who says she loves it. Pam hems and haws that she doesn't know, and Kelly points out that she should try it on before she decides. Pam's like, "I don't knoooooooow," so Kelly is forced to chant -- and clap -- "Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch!" You guys, it's one of my favorite Kelly moments of the whole series, and the moment I have in mind when I tell people that I think I exactly split the difference, personality-wise, between Kelly Kapoor and Liz Lemon. Anyway, Pam resists at first, but Kelly's enthusiasm is obviously contagious.
Stamford. In CoD, Jim kills Andy, who whips around, enraged, and demands to know why Jim did it. Jim says he's just killing Germans any way he can, and Andy yells that they are the German team. Jim asks Karen, "Are we playing teams?" "Yeah," Karen smirks. This is why I just play Chuzzle.
Scranton. Dwight paces the parking lot, trying to exorcise his demons with super-violent arm-shaking, grunting, and...wind sprints. Finally, he crouches beside a fence and calls Jan. She tries to put him off on Michael, but Dwight says that it's about Michael. He asks her to meet him at Exit 40, where there is a Liz Claiborne outlet: "I know you like that store." He tells her to go in and shop until Dwight gets there. Jan, after a moment, asks how Dwight knows she likes Liz Claiborne, and Dwight tells her that he knows several of her blouses came from there. Jan asks how he knows that, and Dwight says it's his job to know. Jan emphatically tells him it's not his job to be aware of her preferred clothing brands. Dwight: "Noted." But clearly, Jan is intrigued -- as are we all, by the prospect of a good bargain.
Dwight comes to Michael's doorway, and awkwardly lies that he's going to the dentist for an emergency crown, and may not be back for a few hours. Michael could not be less concerned about the nuances of Dwight's story, and before Dwight can keep embroidering more (un)convincing details, like that he might be even longer because he has to get to the dentist via pennyfarthing, he slinks off.
After commercials, Dwight's found Jan in the outlet store parking lot. Despite his nosy inquiries, details of her purchases remain guarded from him -- at least, until he gets one of his buddies at the sheriff's department to run a check on her MasterCard.
In a diner, Dwight declares that he could save the branch if Jan will let him run it. Jan: "Okay." Dwight: "'Okay,' I can run it?" Jan impatiently asks him what he would do. Dwight says that he would eliminate waste -- which he describes as half the people who work there. The waitress drops off several dishes of fluffy starch -- all delicious-looking, and all for Dwight; he proceeds to pour like a pint of syrup all over everything. Jan pointedly says that Dwight must feel very strongly about what he's telling her, to turn on Michael and his co-workers that way. Dwight admits that the decision to turn on Michael was difficult, but that once he did it, he "didn't look back." As for his co-workers, they can suck it, apparently. He concludes by saying that he wants the branch, and awaits her decision, and then he sets upon his plate of pancakes like a dingo on a baby. It's a pretty horrifying display. I'm not saying it's worse than Claire Bennet performing an unanesthetized toe-ectomy with a pair of pinking shears? But it's maybe as bad. Dwight pauses in his flapjack massacre to tell Jan about a new Ann Taylor outlet store. Jan makes a note.
Back at the branch, Michael gets a call from Jan, telling him all about Dwight and ordering him to get his shit under control so that she doesn't have to spend any more of her afternoons getting coated in pancake mist. (I paraphrase.) Michael interviews that he can't imagine what Dwight was thinking, to try to turn Jan against him: "She's my ex-lover. Ish." Yeah, "ish" doesn't quite cover it.
Fashion show! Fashion show! Fashion show at lunch! Pam emerges from the ladies' room in her berry-coloured blouse, which she's paired with a black pencil skirt and some black flats. Kelly, Phyllis, and Meredith all coo over how great she looks. Pam, beaming, fishes for compliments, saying it's too much, and she's going to return it. Kelly tells her that she has to keep it for a day before she decides, and then Roy enters and awkwardly tells Pam how nice she looks. Pam graciously accepts the compliment without acting like she thinks she should trade it in for something less warehouse-y.
Stamford. Jim's wrapping up a sales call when Josh comes out of his office and snaps off the bullpen lights, cuing his colleagues that it's Call Of Duty time. Andy and Karen leap up to close the blinds. Jim's like, "Again?" No one ever said that about Tetris. NO ONE.
So then, Michael calls Dwight into his office, trying to return to his normal demeanour, and tells Dwight that Jan just called him and demoted him to Dwight's job. Dwight (badly) covers his excitement as Michael goes on to say Jan told him that Dwight should expect a call from Corporate, and that he'll be acting manager of the Scranton branch for the time being. Michael says he told Jan that he didn't know that Dwight would want to do it, because he's been so loyal to Michael, but Dwight doesn't break, and Michael says he thinks Dwight should do it. Dwight says that if Michael thinks he should, then he will. Michael shifts in his seat, glares into the camera at the big balls on Dwight, and turns back to say that's perfect. Both stand, and Michael recaps (leave it to the professionals!) that Dwight is the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton: "And I am Assistant Regional Manager." Dwight, already drunk with power, corrects Michael: "Assistant to the Regional Manager." He condescendingly thanks Michael for staying on, and says he couldn't imagine the office without him. "Can't you?" grits Michael. "That's so nice." Both gaze through the glass at the troops, and then Michael suggests that they should go out and tell everyone the news. "When I'm ready, Mike," says Dwight bossily. Michael practically has to chew on his cheeks to maintain his composure, and then Dwight charges out to the bullpen, and Michael smiles tightly at the camera. I might venture to say that successfully setting a trap that has snared Dwight isn't the hardest thing anyone's ever accomplished. Hell, it was harder for Kelly to get Pam to change her blouse.
After commercials, Michael and Dwight make the announcement about their new positions. Dwight lets Michael talk, but he doesn't stop preening the entire time. Angela formally congratulates Dwight. Stanley asks why Dwight got the job, and Michael tries again to guilt him into a confession by saying it's because "Dwight never lies." Stanley asks how that qualifies Dwight to run a branch, and Michael contends that truthfulness is all it takes. Certainly we've seen that poise isn't too highly valued. Michael tries again with the guilts, asking Dwight to say a few words about loyalty. Dwight doesn't remotely take the bait, and blah blahs about taking the few staffers who'll stay in his employ "into the black with ferocity." Maybe he heard part of that whole tiger speech. Phyllis asks what Michael will do, and he says he'll be fine. He admits, under questioning, that he has no savings, but insists that he won't lose his condo. Pam interviews that she has an old, broken vacuum cleaner, and that if Dwight doesn't work out, it could be manager. That depends, Pam -- does it suck with forked tongue?! Phyllis: "Maybe I'll quit." Just "maybe"? Huh.
Angela excitedly meets with Dwight at the vending machine to celebrate what she thinks of as their success. Dwight says that he will be the one making a difference in the branch, but that Angela "can be in charge of the women." He leaves her to smirk at the possibilities, as though she isn't already in charge of the women. Hello? Head of the Party Planning Committee?
Stamford. Karen tells the camera to look at "how cute he is": her Call Of Duty avatar is behind Jim's, and Jim's has penned itself into a corner because Jim doesn't know how to turn his guy around; he's also "trying to shoot with a smoke grenade." She speaks up to tell him which keystrokes will get him facing out again; he follows her instructions, and her guy shoots his guy in the face. "Psychopath," says Jim to the camera, and Karen's triumphant grin fades a little, because the truth hurts.
Scranton. Creed comes up to Pam's desk to stare at her new top. And, obviously, what's underneath it. And he makes no effort to cover, either. He's an old man; he doesn't care. Pam quietly asks him to go back to his desk. Creed: "In a minute." Pam reaches behind her on her chair to cover up with her cardigan, and then she interviews that she remembers why she dresses so frumpy at work, not that she uses the word, though she should. She adds that she's going to keep the new clothes anyway, because it will be nice to have some after-work clothes that aren't pyjamas. Man, and you know Pam is still wearing sweatshirts from her high school, too, no matter if they're covered in paint and bleach stains and holes. And she wears them to the supermarket sometimes, when she has to run out to get cat food. And if she doesn't have a cat yet, she's really thinking about getting one.
Dwight starts his formal move into Michael's office by, under Michael's bitter gaze, gathering all the doodads off his desk and sticking them in a box. Michael fumes, and then remembers the performance he's supposed to be giving and tells Dwight he supposes it's time to hand over the keys to "the famous Sebring." Dwight curtly declines. Michael tells him that it's Dwight's right, since it's a company lease, but Dwight doesn't want it: he says he wants something German that gets better gas mileage, adding that a convertible is a ridiculous choice for the Pennsylvania climate. Michael, barely clinging to his composure, murmurs, "Take it back." Dwight -- already completely adapted to his new position -- calmly refuses. Michael: "That's my car." Dwight makes a patronizing face, and Michael explodes: "THAT'S MY CAR!" Dwight's like, "Guh?" Michael announces, "I know, Dwight! I know. I know, I know." Dwight doesn't get it, and Michael says that Jan told him about their meeting: "I know what you did!" Dwight immediately switches back into craven mode, babbling that the Sebring is a cool car even as Michael talks over him, saying that he made up the whole story of his demotion: "How dare you? How dare you, Dwight?!" Michael's now chased him around to the front of his desk, and Dwight begs, "Don't fire me." He immediately gets down on his knees before Michael, who asks Dwight to give him one reason Michael shouldn't fire him on the spot. "I HAVE EXCELLENT SALES NUMBERS!" screams Dwight, covering his face. "NOT GOOD ENOUGH," says Michael, as the people in the bullpen can no longer ignore the servile display unrolling on the other side of the window; Angela, in particular, is distressed and disgusted and not really as turned on as she was by the macho Dwight who seized power just minutes earlier. Dwight sobs that he'll do Michael's laundry for a month, or a year, but Michael is not interested. Dwight, with his head on the floor, says he'll do anything; he admits that Michael can't trust him anymore, but promises that he'll never betray Michael again. As Dwight writhes on the floor, Michael finally realizes how this must look to the rest of their colleagues, and tells Dwight to get up. Dwight complies, spittle still oozing from his lips. Michael hoarsely tells Dwight to "hug it out, bitch." He opens his arms, and Dwight fucking rockets into them, hugging Michael so hard that if his back was at all misaligned, Dwight's probably set it back in order.
Michael interviews that this is how men settle differences: after they fight, they tell each other to "hug it out," and then they let it go, "and walk away, and they're done." Michael and Dwight enjoy Movie Monday à deux while Angela stalks past outside the window, looks in at Dwight the Lickspittle, and moves on with contempt. Michael adds that "hug it out, bitch" doesn't tend to be a good way of settling differences with women, in a way that suggests that trying it in the past has led to a few bitch-slaps from their weak arms.
Stamford. Jim packs up, but before he leaves the office, he turns around to Karen and mimes pulling the pin from a grenade and lobbing it at her; in response, she picks up a pile of paper clips and tosses them in the air in a mini-explosion. They smile at each other, but don't, to my lasting disappointment, suggest starting an office-wide Donkey Kong tournament instead.
After commercials, Michael interviews that he and Dwight did hug it out. But apparently, Michael couldn't be enough of a man to walk away and let it go, so he had to go all womanly by making a "Liar" sign to hang around Dwight's neck and forcing him to stand on a desk in the bullpen like it's Pennsylvania's own Abu Ghraib. Also, Dwight will be doing Michael's laundry for a year. Michael really must trust Dwight if he's willing to hand over a load of white dress shirts and not fear that they might "accidentally" get laundered with a load of beets.