Pam is toiling at her desk when Michael strides in purposefully. Oh, this is never good. He asks whether she saw Oprah the day before. She didn't, so she's not prepared for Michael's announcement: "I'm going to be a father." Pam, naturally, is quietly horrified, but manages to find her voice to ask, "What was Oprah about?" Michael says that Angelina Jolie was on, talking about adopting a baby from Asia and how it changed her life; it really inspired Michael, so he wants Pam to find out how much "a little Chinese baby would cost." I've heard there's a price break at six. Pam takes a breath before telling Michael, "That's a really big decision." He says he knows. Pam suggests, "Maybe you should wait before you adopt. Or not adopt." Michael, grinning tightly, tells her just to do it, so Pam quickly tells Michael that Roy's sister has looked into it, and that the application alone costs $1000. Michael makes a face, and then asks Pam to find a cheaper -- no, "less expensive" -- baby to be had. Tibet? Pam adds that Roy's sister learned that the waiting list is eight months long. Michael, unsurprisingly, isn't sure he wants a baby in eight months -- I doubt his commitment to his cell-phone package is going to be that long, actually. He exhales. Pam mimics him with faux disappointment at his abandonment of the notion of fatherhood. Finally, Michael suggests that if neither he nor Pam has had a baby in ten years... "No, Michael," says Pam. "Twenty years," offers Michael. That one doesn't fly either. At an offer of thirty, Pam realizes that, barring disgusting and ill-advised medical advancements, she's probably safe, and agrees. She can probably be pretty sure that just as Michael may not want a baby in eight months, he won't remember this negotiation in eight hours.
After credits, Ryan is running down a packing list with Michael, in his office. Okay, we're probably supposed to think Michael is very nerdy for doing this, but I have a standard packing list saved on my hard drive and I print it out before every trip. And I also spec out my outfits -- day and night (in case the weather changes or we go someplace fancy) -- for each day I'll be gone. It's a form of OCD that probably can't be treated. Yet. Anyway, Michael's apparently packing for three days, and will be equipped with shirts, socks, and many condoms. Oh, and fun jeans -- apparently what makes them fun is that they are white, yikes -- which are hanging on his door, still in their bag from the dry cleaner. Angela bitterly brings Michael a clipboard so that he can sign for a per diem -- $100. Look out, Arby's restaurants across the eastern seaboard!
Michael then interviews that he's going on "a booze-filled sex romp where anything goes." God help you, Arby's. Actually, he's going to Philadelphia for a paper convention. He says that Jim will also be there, "which'll be fun." He feels bad for Jim working under Josh: "The poor man's Michael Scott, as he is known around my condo." I guess the rich man's Michael Scott would be...Jan?
Angela and Dwight have a backs-to-each-other fight in the break room; she's pissed that he's going on this trip, because she wants to spend more time with him. More face-to-face time, I assume.
Angela interviews that they have an expression in her family: "'Looks like someone took the slow train from Philly.' That's code for 'Check out the slut.'" Sounds as though Philadelphia, like so many other cities, has had its sterling reputation tarnished by The Real World. Sorry, Sydney.
Kelly flounces up to Pam's desk, already way too excited about "tonight," and how sure she is that "you guys are gonna click." Pam smiles nervously. Kelly asks what she'll be wearing. Pam, looking down at her blah blouse and blah-er cardigan: "This." Kelly takes a pause to swallow the barf in her mouth and beams, "You look so pretty." "Thank you," says Pam, with her usual passive-aggressiveness.
Pam then interviews that she has a date with a cartoonist for the local paper. She thinks that's neat, because she also likes to draw. She adds that she's nervous, not having been on a first date in nine years. And since the last guy was Roy, it probably didn't give her the greatest possible foundation.
Back at Reception, Kelly very seriously tells Pam not to sleep with the guy on the first date: "It gives him all the power." Michael, unfortunately, emerges at just this moment to ask whom Pam might be sleeping with. Hey, guy, go back and set your alarm for thirty years from now. Kelly tells Michael that Pam and Kelly's neighbour, Alan, will be going on a date tonight. Michael has a hilarious idea for Pam: "Wear your wedding dress." Dwight starts laughing hyperventilatingly. Pam good-naturedly says that she's just going to wear what she has on, and Michael recommends that she open her top blouse button: "Let those things breathe." While Pam is still reeling from the inappropriateness of that, Michael asks her whether she has a message for him to relay to Jim. She can only manage "Um," and Dwight and Michael tease her back and forth about that as they head out in their matching Dunder Mifflin polo shirts. Even if she had more time, I don't think Pam is quite able to come up with more than that right now.
Philadelphia. Dwight is mid-question barrage, asking Jim what kind of commissions he gets in Stamford. By way of answer, Jim, claps Dwight on the shoulder and sighs, "I missed you so much." Dwight angrily spits at him not to be so immature, and wriggles out from under his hand, leaving Jim to grin delightedly at the camera. Behind them, Josh says that he heard Michael was a great salesman, so he wanted to let Michael know that if the Stamford branch absorbs Scranton, he'll be looking for a place for Michael. This apparently comes as a surprise to Michael, but he barely has time to make a dismissive face at the camera before both managers run into Jan. She suggests that they all drop off their luggage and meet back in the lobby in half an hour. As everyone else moves on, Michael pulls Jan aside to say that they need to set some ground rules. For his sake, he should make the first one "No hitting below the belt." Michael's actually talking about Carole, whom Michael's still dating, which means nothing can happen between Michael and Jan at the convention. Jan: "Step away from me, Michael." Seriously: he needs to step out of chest hair-yanking range, at least. Michael thansk Jan for "being so brave about this." Jan restrains herself from pulling Michael's lip back over his head.
Scranton break room. Pam reads the comics page of the newspaper, apparently comes to his, and lets out one faint little chuckle. "Alan's cartoon's so funny, right?" effuses Kelly. Pam nods. Kelly adds that they're "so smart," and that she doesn't even know what they mean half the time. Pam nods noncommittally and sets the page aside, already steeling herself for future disappointment. Kelly takes off and Toby enters, looking like he's about to put his moves -- or at least a move -- on Pam, but before he can work up the nerve, he's just crossed straight through the room without her even noticing he was there.
Philadelphia. Dwight is hanging a portable dartboard on the TV armoire as he tells Michael that the party they're apparently planning is going to be awesome. Michael knows -- and he's ensuring its success by putting out like twelve bottles of liquor on the desk. He also says that he specifically picked a room close to the elevator to maximize foot traffic. Enter Josh and Jim. "That is a lot of liquor," says Jim. "Yeah!" says Michael. "And...a dartboard," adds Jim. "Well, that's how we do it in Scranton," goads Michael. "Or did you forget?" And then, TREMENDOUSLY, he starts jumping from foot to foot as he raps, "Ain't no party like a Scranton party 'cause a Scranton party don't stop!" Dwight stares at Michael in rapt admiration; he didn't know Michael had this extra dimension in him, and he's thrilled to be here to see it unleashed. As Dwight ineptly joins in on the beatboxing, Josh and Jim do the only thing one could do -- stare in nonplussed silence -- and then finally Josh suggests that they all go meet Jan. Michael says that they could have "one for the road," waggling a couple of martini glasses, and Josh turns to Jim, obviously quoting: "A shot of Midori, perhaps." Jim starts cackling. Michael doesn't get it, but he starts laughing not to be left out, and Dwight gets it even less, but starts laughing because Michael's laughing. It's, as usual, cringily uncomfortable. Jim notices them and apologizes for the inside joke, saying that there's this bartender in Stamford...he stops himself, saying that you had to be there. Michael blusters, "Wish I was! I love inside jokes. Love to be a part of one someday." See? CRINGE. Everyone's uncomfortable and sad, all of a sudden, and then Josh checks his watch, and he and Jim head out. Dwight offers to do a shot with Michael, who snorts, "Yecch, don't be gross. It's not even lunch yet." Maybe just a little Creme de Menthe, to freshen your breath?
After commercials, Michael is waving at the camera from the floor of the trade show. And then he's showing off all his dumb convention swag, saying that he decorated his condo with all his stuff from past conventions. Ah, I think I've been to that place. And drunk out of those Windows MCSE mugs. Michael and Dwight introduce themselves to Jerome Bettis, who's signing autographs. Michael, with his usual complete lack of embarrassment, invites Bettis to come back to his room later for a party. Bettis politely lies that he'll try to make it, and Michael sinks his teeth in, asking if he can tell people that Jerome will be there. Bettis: "No. You cannot." Michael takes that as a maybe and takes off in order not to overclose. Then Dwight takes Michael's picture with a guy in a big plush Blackberry suit. Michael: "Do you remember me? From last year?" Ha! I love that Michael thinks this person is a full-time Blackberry impersonator and, like, goes on the road with his act. Anyway, Michael invites the contents of the Blackberry to his party. Gee, if this guy doesn't show up, I hope they know a way they can get in touch with him....
Elsewhere, Josh checks his (regular-sized) Blackberry and tells Jim, Dwight, and Michael that Jan wants them to meet her up front. Michael quickly pulls out his phone, all, "Yep! Yeah, she's up front." Dwight blows Michael's spot, saying that he doesn't have email on his phone. Still looking at his phone, Michael stammers that he doesn't have to get email on his phone: "I just know." In order to make it less awkward to have everyone staring at him, Michael pretends to get a phone call. Dwight: "No one just called you!" The rest of the knot of Dunder Mifflites breaks up, and Michael calls Dwight aside to get him to "dig up some dirt on Josh." Dwight's going to talk to his "buddy down at the station." Yes, I'm sure a guy in a Scranton police department totally has the hookup on a paper salesman from Connecticut. Google? Anyone?
Scranton. Toby has taken some time to screw up his courage again and approaches Pam at her desk. He's in the middle of a sentence -- "I was just going to ask if you wanted" -- when Pam's phone rings. In the time it takes her to write down a message, Toby loses his nerve, acts like he forgot what he was going to say, and slinks off to hate himself.
Philadelphia. At what looks like a lunch banquet, Dwight finds Michael and tells him that he called his cop friend to run a background check on Josh. Michael: "And?" Dwight: "He wasn't volunteering today." Michael groans and moves away, making a mental note to get some better henchmen.
At the buffet, Michael tells Jim that things have been pretty crazy in the office. By way of example, he says that Ryan's sitting at Jim's old desk. Jim casually tells Michael to tell Ryan Jim says hi, and Michael eagerly says that he will call Ryan later with that message. Jim smiles and asks, "How's--" He glances up, sees the camera, and lamely concludes, "Toby?" Michael heatedly says that "Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry." The paper industry is kind of gutless, I guess. Michael looks up sharply: "Is he why you left?" Jim says no, and that he just left because of the opportunity and promotion. Michael doesn't credit those reasons, though, and asks how the job situations stack up "vis-à-vis bosses," like whether Josh is funnier than Michael, or if he has a girlfriend: "Because I have two. Basically." Jim quietly says that it isn't a competition. Certainly not a close one.
Later, the Dunder Mifflites have gathered at a table, where Josh reports to Jan that Jim got the company a great lead with a rep at an envelope company. Jan doesn't have much time to react to this news before Michael's calling her attention back to himself by ostentatiously pulling out his $100 bill and saying that he's got the tip. He holds the bill up to the stunned busboy, who thanks him effusively and takes off before Michael can change his mind. Dwight asks if that was Michael's per diem, but Michael lies that it was a different $100 bill. Jan asks Michael what he's generated, and Michael bluffs that he's generated a lot of interest in his party later. Jan lets out one dry chuckle and says that Jim and Josh will be in meetings all day, and that Jan is in and out of meetings: "I can't stay on top of you 24/7." The camera pushes in on Michael so we can tell that even though he isn't saying "That's what she said," he is thinking it. Really hard. (That's also what she said.)
Scranton. Phyllis tells Pam to order the most expensive thing on the menu: "So he knows you're worth it." Pam giggles. From the other side of Phyllis's desk, Stanley drawls that if Pam does that, she'll "have to put out." Pam rolls her eyes at Phyllis, who concurs with Stanley. Ha! Small green salad it is.
Philadelphia. In dark glasses, Angela approaches the reception desk, asking whether there's a key for a Jane Doe. Sly! The clerk hands it over, and Angela manages to escape detection from Michael even though he's seriously one inch from her shoulder. So I take it back -- apparently the sunglasses aren't just sly but have cloaking capabilities.
Convention floor. Josh tells Michael that he and Jim need to head out for their meeting with Uniball, but Michael points out a contest to fly a paper airplane through a hoop, and suggests, "A little friendly competition? Stamford versus Scranton!" Josh begs off, and Michael teases Jim that he "picked a bad time to defect." Jim looks at Josh, chuckling, and Josh agrees. Michael is starting to fold his plane when his cell phone rings. He picks it up: "Hey, Pam." The camera zips over to Jim, who tries to look away as Michael tells Pam to tell someone that Michael will give him "general specifics" the day. He holds out his phone and calls, "Say hi to Pam!" Jim stares at the phone like he thinks it might be about to steal his soul, but he, like Josh and Dwight, manages to blurt, "Hi, Pam." Michael puts the phone back up to his ear, saying who it was. "Pam says hi!" Michael reports. To her, he adds, "Have fun on your date." The camera fucking zoooooooooms in on Jim's face as his eyebrows crinkle and he goes all red. Michael hangs up. Jim swallows his heart and snaps out of it.
And back in Scranton, Pam apparently reacts to the sound of Jim's name with just as much calm and equanimity. I kind of can't believe she doesn't just call up this Alan and cancel her date right there and then.
Philadelphia. Josh throws his plane and hits the rim. Michael goes and doesn't get it past his own feet. I mean, to be fair, he was on the phone when he was folding his plane. Would you want to ride in a plane where the engineer was on the phone while he was building it? Michael tries to be all "double or nothing," but Josh pleasantly reminds him that they didn't bet on it, besides which, he needs to leave. Michael tries to goad him into a repeat, but Josh blows him off and leaves with Jim. Michael yearningly watches them leave, and once they're gone, the Hammermill salesman buttonholes Michael to give him his sales pitch.
In his room, surrounded by swag, Michael inter-mopes that he and Jim have "different definitions of friendship." He thinks it's "talking and being friends," whereas Jim thinks it's "moving to Connecticut and being best friends with Josh." Michael declares that he won't be speaking with Jim anymore: "Long-distance relationships never work." From offscreen, we hear a voice say, "That is so true." The camera widens out so we can see that the Hammermill guy is sitting on Michael's bed, fruity drink in hand, still waiting to deliver his pitch -- which, now that Michael's vented about Jim, Michael's ready to hear.
After commercials, Michael's met up with the rest of the Dunder Mifflites in the hotel lobby. He's changed into a peachy Hawaiian shirt (courtesy of Microsoft Office) and apologizes, saying that his Hammermill meeting ran late. "They're exclusive with Staples," says Josh. "Used to be," says Michael dismissively. "We can now sell Hammermill products." On the floor, Dwight raises his fist to celebrate Michael's triumph. Even Jan has to admit that she underestimated him, and Michael pouts, "Maybe time you will estimate me." Jan looks as though she's not prepared to go that far.
Upstairs, Jim walks down a hall, proffering what he says is Dwight's room key. He lets himself into the room, smugly talking to the camera about old habits dying hard, when he gets a glimpse of a pair of naked lady's legs on the bed. "D?" calls Angela. Jim scrambles to close the door before he sees anything more scandalous, and hurries down the hall, marveling, "Oh my God! Dwight got a hooker! Oh my God, I gotta call--" Jim says that he has to call somebody, but doesn't know whom. Oh, Jim, sure you do. You need to call TOBY.
Restaurant. Kelly awkwardly feeds Ryan as she tells Alan that Pam is "obsessed" with his cartoons. Kelly and Ryan bicker in their usual way (he's annoyed, she's oblivious), and Pam asks Alan how he comes up with his cartoons. Alan says he thinks about stuff that he sees, "or dream[s] them." Pam says that dreaming in cartoons sounds like fun. Ryan chews the french fries Kelly's shoved in his face and thinks about an exit strategy.
Philadelphia. A guy shows up at Michael's hotel-room door. "Hey! First guest!" yelps Michael excitedly. He tries to set the guy up with tequila. The guy says that he thought there was a party going on. Michael blusters that this silent, empty room full of liquor is the party, but the guy decides to move along rather than risk getting roofied and raped.
Restaurant. Alan's made a quick sketch on a napkin, of a man and woman being served in a restaurant. He tells Pam that it could work on a couple of different levels, and reads the waiter's line in a French accent: "More freedom fries for the table?" "Freedom fries," repeats Pam. In 2006. "Yeah." Alan smugly says that people always tell him, "Don't be edgy," but he doesn't know any other way. Pam starts laughing at his unearned arrogance, and Alan, misunderstanding, says, "You get it." Pam does up her top button and decides not to get dessert.
Philadelphia. Michael emerges from his room, looks up and down the empty hall, and wanders back in again. Can't these people tell how serious he is about this party? He's in his fun jeans!
Restaurant. Ryan is sighing exhaustedly as he and Kelly walk out, Pam and Alan right behind. She stops in the doorway, politely telling Alan it was really nice to meet him. Alan cockily tells her to bring some of her illustrations "time," offering to let her pick his brain. Pam laughs again, and callbacks, "More freedom fries!" Alan sort of loiters like he thinks there's going to be a kiss, and Pam slips away before he can make any motions in that direction.
Outside the ladies' room, Pam interviews that she went on a date, but that it wasn't a love connection: "I think when I like someone again, I'll just kind of know." Yes, Pam. We'll all know.
Philadelphia. Jim gets off the elevator and is drawn by the sounds of loud music to Michael's room, where the host is sitting alone in a corner, a strobing blacklight in full effect. Jim enters, turns the stereo off, and snaps the regular light back on. He asks if he's the first to arrive, and Michael lies that "people have been filtering in and out." Jim asks for a drink. Michael keeps "hand" by pretending not to hear him, but when Jim repeats the request, he hauls himself out of his chair and trudges over to make Jim a Cosmo. Of course. Jim sits on the bed, and Michael asks why Jim is there: "Is Josh busy?" Jim starts to ask if he did something to make Michael angry, but Michael talks over him: "I totally get it! He made a better paper airplane, Stamford does better in sales--" Jim tells Michael that he didn't transfer to Stamford because of Michael: "You're a good boss. You're a great boss." Michael scoffs that he's not better than Josh. Jim stammers before finally announcing that he transferred because of Pam. Michael is really shocked to hear this, and excitedly tells Jim, "She's single now!" Jim says he heard: "I kind of put it all on the line. Twice, actually. And she said no. Twice." Michael sits down to Jim, saying he's sorry, and offering to talk to Pam. Jim says that's okay, but Michael insists that he will: "You should at least talk to Roy. I mean, he knows exactly how you're feeling." Jim says he will, maybe. Yeah, they could start a group blog about it. At this point, Evan, the Hammermill guy, shows up with one of his similarly royal blue-shirted colleagues. Michael introduces Jim, and Evan introduces Arnie, asking whether Jim and Michael work together. They say they didn't, but that they used to, and now they're friends. "Best friends," adds Michael. To hear himself described this way doesn't seem to thrill Jim, for some reason.
Michael offers a final voice-over to wrap up everything he's learned in the city of brotherly love: he says that some people need a ton of friends to feel popular, but that Michael's more picky. He says that when you meet someone special, you know. (Michael tries to push the buttons on the plush Blackberry, at which the guy bats his hands away.) A real relationship can't be forced. (Michael grins at Bettis, who watches Michael hurry off and does not plan to attend his party.) "It should come about effortle-lessly," Michael concludes, with his usual saggiosacity.
After commercials, Michael tests out his blacklight with Dwight. In addition to the blue glow of their teeth (and Michael's fun jeans), the light reveals splashes and puddles and spatter everywhere. Michael asks what they are, and Dwight says that they're either blood, urine, or semen. Michael: "God, I hope it's urine." There's that Scranton optimism again.