Pam answers the phone, with Jim in the foreground, and the way her expression freezes is your first hint that this is not a business call. And it seems to have something to do with Jim, given the anxious look she shoots at the side of his head. When he takes the call, his flirty "What? How did you get this number? Stalker!" is your second hint regarding the caller. It's Katy, you see. Remember Katy? She sells handbags. She was thisclose to letting Michael seduce her with an Arctic Chill. Pam THs that Jim and Katy seem to be dating now, and she explains in a tone of stuttering, neutral good-wishy-ness that they seem to be having a good time. She's listening to herself so hard to make sure she's saying all the right things that she stops and nervously says she feels like she's talking really loud, and asks if she is.
It turns out that Jim and Katy are planning to have lunch, and when Jim's off the phone, a loose thread of Pam's discomfort suddenly shows when she calls over to Jim and tells him somewhat pointedly that he could just give Katy his extension. The words "so that I don't have to put your girlfriend through every time" go unsaid. For once, Jim seems definitively oblivious. He's unprepared to notice, so he doesn't.
Credits. I do enjoy watching Dwight shred that credit card. And the noise: "Rrrrrrrr! Rrrrrr! Rrrr -- wuuuuuh."
We are in Michael's office, where he grandly explains that now that Ryan has "had a few laughs," he's asked what Michael thinks of his performance. Ryan clarifies that it's his agency that wants to know. Ryan himself is typically apathetic. Dwight THs that Michael is evaluating Ryan but hasn't evaluated Dwight in years. Oh, Dwight. You're both pretty! In Michael's office, Dwight asks what Ryan's plans are. It turns out that Ryan is in business school and wants to own his own company. Michael, wrapping terror in contempt as is his tendency, pronounces this "ridiculous," then THs that Ryan will now be attending "the Michael Scott School Of Business," where Michael operates as a combination of Mr. Miyagi and Yoda. He says to Ryan, "Much advice you seek," in what is meant to be his Yoda voice, and he makes the mistake of asking Ryan whether he recognizes the voice. Ryan tentatively guesses, "Fozzie Bear?" Michael unhappily corrects him, then says that Ryan needs to learn ten rules of business. One of which, I presume, is "learn to distinguish Frank Oz voices." Michael "thoughtfully" bites his thumb, posing as usual for the photo shoot in his head, while explaining to Ryan that the first rule is that "you have to play to win, but you also have to win to play." Ryan responds with a simple, polite "Got it," and Michael tells him he'll get the other nine rules at lunch. Ryan is undoubtedly giddy at the thought.
Dwight watches as Ryan leaves Michael's office. Dwight THs that he and Michael have a bond like the Lone Ranger and Tonto. "And it's not like there was the Lone Ranger and Tonto...and Bonto." Indeed, there was not. Although...what do you figure Bonto would have been? They had a cowboy and an Indian, so...a farmer? Farmer Bonto? With a pitchfork? I think I'd watch that. Hi-ho, Bilver!
Abruptly, the fire alarm screeches. Hey, Dwight loves it when there's a disaster! He and Angela jockey to tell everyone not to panic. As everyone else files out calmly, Michael shoves his way through and runs as fast as he can out of the building. That's leadership, people. You can't save the group if nobody knows which direction to flee like a frightened kitty. When some don't promptly leave, Dwight starts screaming, "DO YOU WANT TO DIE?" I think that in this office, the answer is probably "sometimes." Dwight spots smoke in the break room, so he grabs the giant water bottle from the cooler and starts tossing water in the general direction of the smoke. When tossing water doesn't prove effective, he punches through to the fire extinguisher with his bare fist and then very gingerly removes it, trying not to scratch himself or poke his fingers. Safety first! He sees Kelly coming out of the bathroom, so he goes to drag her out, while she screams at him to let her go. As she wriggles away, Dwight hollers after her that she must remove her stockings, lest they melt onto her legs. He drops to the ground and slithers to the door. I don't know how the camera guy got away with being above the smoke line.
Later, Michael explains to the camera that he's quite aware of the "women and children first" theory of disaster exit. As he points out, however, the company is not a "sweatshop" that employs children, and "women are equal," so it turns out that the fact that he body-checked the employees on the way out the door is a sign of his respect for them. In fact, he'd get sued if he let the women leave first. Michael Scott: your liability resource.
Outside in the parking lot, Michael tells Ryan that another rule of business is that you must be prepared to adapt. To, I suppose, a parking lot. Just then, Dwight runs out to take a head count, finding Michael with Ryan just in time to count him as "one." Ryan needs a number, and when Ryan suggests "two," Dwight gives a panicked "NO!" You guys don't think Dwight wants to be "two," do you? Ryan is assigned the number fourteen. Unable to decide between the beating and the joining, Dwight eagerly says that he, Michael, and Ryan should be "the Three Musketeers." Michael says they can be the Three Stooges instead. Ryan looks stricken. I think he'd rather they were the Three Nonaffiliated Near-Strangers. Indeed, Ryan THs that he doesn't want to be "a guy here," with "a thing" like Stanley's puzzles or Angela's cats. Or an overinvested pink-bedecked girlfriend. Hypothetically.
Jim assumes his usual camp-counselor vibe, recently seen in "Office Olympics," and leads the bored staff in a few games -- he announces that they'll be playing Desert Island, Who Would You Do?, and, at Pam's suggestion, Would You Rather? (No "Marry, Fuck, Kill"? Jim, you disappoint me. "Packer, Michael, Dwight." That's a good round. I'm just saying.) Just then, a fire truck arrives, and Dwight pumps his fist in excitement. He tries to stop the firemen on their way in to give them "some theories," but they blow right by him. They must not have heard him through their helmets.
So, Desert Island -- name the three books you would take to a desert island. Angela takes the Bible and A Purpose-Driven Life, but then she declines to name any more. It's hard to find something without whores, I suppose. Phyllis takes The DaVinci Code, and Angela says she'd actually take that, too -- to burn it. Dwight asks Jim whether there's firewood on the island. Jim says there is. In that case, Dwight says, he'd take an axe -- no books. Jim says only books are allowed. Dwight decides to take a Physician's Desk Reference -- hollowed out, full of matches and iodine tablets. And beet seeds and NASA blankets. And protein bars. You've got to admit he's thinking outside the box. He'd also take some Harry Potter.
Out by his car, Michael is telling Ryan that the fourth rule of business is the importance of image. Michael points out that his car is "an investment." Great for taking out clients and so forth. Who wouldn't want to be seen around Scranton in a Sebring?
While the warehouse guys amuse themselves by smashing bottles on the pavement, Jim shifts the game to movies. You get five. Meredith wants to bring Legends Of The Fall, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Legally Blonde, Bridges Of Madison County...and at this point, we cut to a joint TH with Jim and Pam, who are marveling over Meredith's bad, bad choices. I think they're missing the point, quite frankly, in that some of those movies are there because...Meredith is anticipating being alone on the island, if you see my point. Kind of the way I'd take The Big Easy, if it were me. Anyway, in the TH, Pam admits that she likes Legally Blonde. Jim flinches and insists that Pam must be misunderstanding the game, because she can't possibly mean that. "Unforgivable," he pronounces, and with a grin, she starts backpedaling. She takes it back, she takes it back! "Good," he says. It turns out that Meredith's final choice is the pottery segment in Ghost, which she acts out with juuust enough pelvis for it to get creepy. See? Some people like pottery, and some like watchin' out for the gator, baby.
Michael and Dwight check out Ryan's car with him. Michael noodges him about the books in the car, until Ryan says they're for business school; he goes at night. Michael goads Ryan into quizzing him (sort of a Blackberry-nerd version of "punch me in the stomach as hard as you can"), and as you can imagine, it doesn't go well for Michael, who is dumb. Specifically, he has no idea why people have been "rethinking the Microsoft model" recently. I would have said, "Because not everybody likes rebooting," but Michael has nothing. Michael THs that he worked as a young guy to earn money for school. He lost all the money in a pyramid scheme, but his point is the same. As Michael continues to flub questions, Dwight defensively insists that Michael doesn't need book learnin'. But having now hitched his unctuous wagon to Ryan's reluctant star, Michael wants no part of Dwight and rejects his attempts at support. Somehow, this leads Dwight giving Ryan a noogie and a karate chop. Hey, cause and effect are complex at Dunder Mifflin. Proving that even a blind, incompetent, middle-management pig finds a truffle now and then, Michael tells Dwight he's "acting like a dork." Indeed. Michael tells Dwight to stop picking on Ryan, who knows more than Dwight ever will. Michael THs that it's okay, because he never went to business school, just like LeBron James and Kobe Bryant and everybody else who went straight to the NBA from high school. I think even Michael is at a loss to place this within the context of anything relevant, once he hears himself say it.
Michael and Ryan sit in Ryan's car, where Michael is eagerly leafing through books and realizing that he doesn't know anything. But Ryan does! "You are so smart," Michael says. "You are so effin' smart."
Pam picks her movies: Fargo, Edward Scissorhands, Dazed And Confused (Jim, supportively: "Definitely in my top five." Pam: "Yeah. In my top three, so suck it." Jim, surprised: "What?"), The Breakfast Club, The Princess Bride...Jim cuts her off at five. But she has one left! It's her "all-time favorite"! Sadly, we are not to know. Nearby, Dwight is furiously kicking the wall. Not even wanting to ask what's going on, Jim tries to distract Dwight by asking him his "all-time favorite movie." Dwight waves him off, but after a minute, this: "The Crow," says Dwight weakly.
Ryan's car. Ryan and Michael in the back seat. Michael is telling a squirming Ryan that he became a salesman because he loved people, and then he became a manager, and it's hard now to "be a friend first." He's too successful, is the thing. Don't you figure that's the thing? I know I do. Michael asks Ryan for thoughts, and Ryan just wants to get out of the car. "I'm really uncomfortable," he admits, as his discussion with his boss teeters on the edge of becoming something more like going parking, in the Happy Days sense.
Now, it's time for what Jim calls "the main event": a game of Who Would You Do? "Present company excluded?" Kevin asks. "Not necessarily," Jim says, and before the words are even out of his mouth, Kevin says, "Pam." And Oscar also says "Pam," which makes for...a sliiiiiight continuity problem, but let's just assume that Oscar was covering. Hey, would you invite these people into your personal life? Pam looks a little nonplussed at this development, and Jim says maybe he needs to explain the rules more.
Dwight sits alone in the front seat of his car. He is dejected. He feels that he has been abandoned. "Everybody Hurts" plays on the stereo. Jim notices him, leaves Stanley in charge of the Who-Doings, and goes with Pam over to Dwight's car, throwing a mischievous brow-pop at the camera as he goes. Just so you know it's not actual sympathy. At the window, he tries to get Dwight's attention. Finally, Dwight turns off the music and admits that he's upset because Ryan went to business school and he didn't. Pam earnestly tells Dwight that she bets Ryan wishes he were a volunteer sheriff. This doesn't comfort Dwight, but one thought does: "I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted." In a manner far different from the way he usually behaves in these situations, Jim completely fails to keep his composure, and is openly laughing -- albeit it not in Dwight's line of sight -- as he tells Dwight that what he should really do to "stick it to" both Ryan and Michael is...quit! Dwight can't do that, he says, because Ryan would win. He just needs "alone time." Jim and Pam finally leave his driver's-side window. And the music comes back on. As Jim and Pam are walking back toward the group, laughing hysterically at how well that went, Roy approaches like the little gray cloud he is. Roy, Roy, go away, come again some other day.
Michael joins the huddle, and when Stanley announces that they're playing Who Would You Do?, Michael grins and says he plays this at home all the time. While he's trying to go to sleep. In a hint of awesomeness to come, Kelly looks at him with "WEEEEIRDO!" scrawled all over her face. It happens to be Roy's turn, and his answer is...Angela. (Actually, the "tight-ass Christian." Thanks, Roy.) And Roy doesn't realize she's standing right there until she introduces herself. So that's awkward, not that it seems to affect Roy, with his impenetrable lack of shame. Michael calls on Jim , and Jim says, "Kevin. Hands-down." He adds, "He's really got that teddy-bear thing going on, and afterwards, we could just watch bowling." Everyone laughs. He makes it sound good, I'll give him that.
"Well, I would definitely have sex with Ryan," Michael announces with a smile, as if this were the most natural part of the game in the world. No one laughs except Roy, who delightedly says, "You're all gay! Ha ha ha!" I'm not sure which is sadder: Roy's decision that this is weird primarily for the gay aspect, of all things, or Michael's desire to fuck someone because he goes to a Scranton-based business school at night. Ryan's cell phone rings, and when he goes to answer it, Michael notes that he left his phone inside. Dwight demands to know whether this would make Michael happy -- having his phone. Michael says it would, and Dwight runs back into the burning (?) building. Michael shows his appreciation for Dwight's sacrifice by calling out that Dwight is an idiot. Kevin cautions Michael that Dwight might die in the fire, and that would be the last thing Michael said to him. "I didn't say it to him," Michael insists. "I said it about him." Michael's just keeping it real.
Later, the women are still Who-Doing, and Meredith, Phyllis, and Kelly think that the obvious answer -- as in "definitely, definitely" -- is Jim. Pam, for a few reasons, wouldn't offer this answer if the only possibilities actually were Jim and Kevin (fresh off watching bowling, probably). She says she thinks maybe...Oscar. So she and Oscar are agreed! She should hit that. She also mentions Toby, which he will really, really wish he'd heard later, I think. At the mention of Toby's name, Meredith nods and smiles greedily, but Phyllis shakes her head.
Ryan and Michael stand together awkwardly. Michael asks Ryan to call his cell phone to make it easier for Dwight, assuming he hasn't been overcome by smoke, to find it. Ryan takes out his phone and asks for Michael's number. This is uncomfortable, because Michael is sure he gave Ryan the number in the car and saw Ryan program it. Ryan has no out here, and simply says, "You've got to give it to me again." Michael grabs Ryan's phone and calls his own number. And when he does, the strains of "Mambo No. 5" are heard. From very nearby. Michael looks surprised and most unhappy. Yeah, his phone is in his pocket. Thus, Dwight is risking his life for nothing. And also, Ryan just found out that Michael's ringtone is "Mambo No. 5," so any possibility that Ryan was going to make out with him has just evaporated.
Just as Michael goes off to "tell somebody," Dwight stumbles from the building. He has an announcement to make. It turns out that Ryan left a cheese pita in the toaster oven, and that's what started the fire. Dwight beams psychotically and holds the black ex-pita aloft like a trophy. Ryan looks mortified. In a TH in his office, Michael laughs hysterically about Ryan starting the fire. If you don't know that this is going to end in Dwight and Michael singing a "Ryan Started The Fi-ah!" song, then you don't know Dwight and Michael. Ryan THs that he can't believe he started it. As they sing, Katy pulls up to pick Jim up for lunch. She gets out of the car, telling him she knows her answers to Desert Island. Jim gathers the group, and Katy says her first answer is Legally Blonde. Naturally, Pam laughs. This is the one Jim mocked her for liking, you'll recall. Pam THs that she forgot Katy was such a "super-nice girl," and that she and Jim are cute together. Not really wanting to know what the rest of Katy's movies might be, Jim calls the game on account of...his own discomfort, really. He and Katy leave for lunch. As they do, Pam pulls Roy into a passionate smooch. Jim does not look pleased by this, but Katy comments that Pam and Roy are "so cute." Jim and Katy are so cute! Roy and Pam are so cute! Repression is so cute!
Dwight, now joined by Kevin, torments Ryan some more about the fire. And then, in a TH much later, Dwight is still singing the song, and he is still clutching the burnt-out pita, thrusting it toward the camera. In a TH, Michael says that Ryan is book-smart, and he's street-smart...and book-smart. He promises Ryan the rest of the rules tomorrow. This is the part where Ryan should have known what he was getting himself into.