Credits.
So this morning, Michael blows into the office and begins asking, context-free, whether various people are "ready." (Rule: When Michael asks if you're ready, ask before proceeding.) Jim holds up a gym bag. Ryan holds up a plastic bag -- suitable for temps. Dwight holds up his gym bag, too, but Michael looks indifferent to that development and just heads into his office. There, he THs that at lunch, they're playing basketball against the warehouse staff, an activity inspired by Michael's having spotted a basketball hoop the last time he was down there. He claims that he plays basketball on weekends, and that he was "messing around" making the ball go "swish, swish, swish" (of course), and everybody down there was totally shocked. "Their jaws just dropped to the floor -- African-Americans!" Oh, my. Can we call Mr. Brown for an emergency intervention? Michael assures us, though, that it's just "a good, friendly game." With African-Americans!
Michael greets Pam and collects messages from her, but he's interrupted by Dwight, who wants to talk. In his office, Michael learns that Dwight has found something new to beg for -- he's desperate to be on the team, but Michael won't let him, based on an earlier incident in which Dwight misbehaved at Michael's pickup game after Michael vouched for Dwight "in front of Todd Packer." Of all the humiliations! They don't tell us what Dwight's sin was, but my guess would be that it involved a failure to laugh at a joke involving oral sex. Michael denies Dwight a spot on the team, but offers him the consolation prize of taking charge of the weekend and holiday work schedule. Dwight, of course, loves any task that involves screwing over his fellow employees, so this is right up his alley. Michael openly tells Dwight that corporate wants someone working Saturdays, and he knows everyone will be miserable over it, so he doesn't want the responsibility. Hey, at least he's telling the truth. Believe it or not, Michael and Dwight go once more around the maypole of "To The [Regional Manager]," with Dwight muttering that the titles are the same and Michael insisting that they aren't. Both do so quietly, of course, so that they might get the last word by speaking so as to escape detection. The imperious way in which Michael says, "It's lower, so..." makes you realize just how much he needs Dwight in order to exist. Can you imagine how the office would shift without Dwight there? Michael versus everyone? He'd never survive.
Out in the office, Dwight is working on the calendar, and he announces with satisfaction that Jim will have to work this weekend. "God, this is so sad," Jim says matter-of-factly. "This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head." Point: Halpert. Pam THs that she really doesn't want to work, because she has plans with Roy. Or, really, Roy has plans. She really, really doesn't want Dwight to put her on the schedule. "Maybe I should sleep with him!" she says. And then, horrified, she says, "I'm kidding. Totally kidding." I think she feels like maybe it's a Beetlejuice thing, where even speaking the words is a dangerous temptation of some force with the power to harm her.
Michael takes Ryan on a tour of the warehouse -- or, as Michael claims to call it, the "whorehouse." It's remarkable how often Michael's attempts at hilarity resemble inadvertent errors that might be made by non-native speakers of English. He introduces Ryan to the warehouse guys, including Darryl, to whom Michael refers as "Mister Rogers," or, more offensively, "Mi-tah Rog-ahs." Darryl explains dryly, with hot disgust that he's allowed to dry into an arid powder that floats lazily from him whenever Michael is around, that his name is actually Darryl Philbin, which Michael logically turned into Regis, Reege, Roger, and Mi-tah Rog-ahs, in turn. Ryan looks surprised and relieved at the degree to which everyone down here hates Michael just as much as everyone upstairs. Familiar surroundings are comforting. Michael also tells Ryan that Roy is Pam's boyfriend, then offers to order Pam to provide Roy with more sex. Is Michael secretly sexually fixated on Pam? On Roy? On his own lack of action? I think we do not know.
Upstairs, Pam is on the phone swimming in tragedy, as she strains to get a repair covered under the warranty of the toaster oven she got at her engagement shower...three years ago. Which has broken. So the engagement has now outlasted the engagement gift. Jim explains all of this in a TH in which the relative proportions of dismay, empathetic embarrassment, and festering hope are difficult to precisely quantify.
Downstairs, Michael is trying to schedule the basketball game, and it turns out that the warehouse guys have to unload a truck, so his suggested timing doesn't work for them -- ironically because they have more pressing work than he does. Michael ribs them about never seeming terribly busy, and he hopes this is part of a warm back-and-forth, but it's really just part of him barely not getting his ass kicked because he's the one who hands out the checks. Ryan looks horrified. When Michael starts doing his full-on chicken impression, Darryl relents and says they'll play the game at 1:00 this afternoon after all.
Upstairs, Michael is trying to rally the troops for the game, and when he makes a Lord Of The Rings reference, Dwight tries to help out, only to be told, "Nerd. That's why you're not on the team." Mean! Michael starts his announcement of the starting lineup with "Stanley, of course." Stanley looks up: "I'm sorry?" Michael chooses "skittish and defensive" from his bag of tricks to defend himself against rather frequent claims of racism, and he tries to move on as quickly as possible. Of course, he names himself as a starter. Phyllis says she'd like to play if it's "just for fun," but Michael essentially ignores her. He appoints Jim and Ryan . Ryan only cares that he'll be on the clock, and Michael assures him that he will be. Oscar offers to play, but Michael says, "I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box." I idly wonder at this moment whether Michael assumes that Oscar lives in a bodega. With a cat. Kevin says he has a basketball hoop in his driveway; Michael refuses. Phyllis says she has a sports bra. Hee. "No, ridiculous," Michael says impatiently. A still-desperate Dwight demonstrates his possible talent by taking a shot at the trashcan, which misses. It's close enough, though, that Michael chooses Dwight as the fifth starter. Dwight also manages to get himself appointed Assistant TO THE Team Manager. When Dwight bristles at Michael's insistence on throwing those extra words in and darkly alludes to who will be working over the weekend, Michael punishes him by yanking back responsibility for the work calendar and forcing it on Jim. "Oh my God," Jim mutters miserably, unsure how he wound up in the middle of this. "Threat neutralized," Michael grandly announces. Except the threat of litigation, of course, which is eternal.
Oscar makes a perfect shot into the trash. Kevin makes a perfect shot into the trash. Stanley's shot swings wide. Got it? Michael's toss from off-screen literally hits Pam in the forehead, causing her to say with careful, coiled fury, "Please don't throw garbage at me." Michael asks her to be the cheerleader, suggesting a halter top and other trappings. She turns him down, only in part because she can't root against Roy. Jim offers to do it, including the "flouncy skirt." "I bet you would," Michael tries to shit-talk back. "Just try not to be too gay on the court." Jim's eyes widen and he purses his lips, in a look you will see many times. And then you get his very first conspiratorial "Did you get that?" look into the camera. History in the making, people. Michael assures us he didn't mean "gay" as "homosexual." He meant it in the "bad at sports" way. Well, thank God, seriously. I was about to blanch! Pam offers up Angela, but Phyllis volunteer for the cheering in lieu of the playing. "Oh, yuchhhh, that's worse than you playing," Michael says unkindly. Phyllis looks wounded, and Michael recognizes in some clunking, rubber-band-powered portion of his brain that a line has been crossed, so he corrects himself that they need her to be an alternate. "Blessed be those who sit and wait," he tells her. Hey, if there's anyone I would trust to rewrite the beatitudes, it would be Michael.
Darryl visits the office to get a teabag and repeatedly declines to forcibly serve Michael his own kidneys, no matter how much Michael tries to bait him about the upcoming game. When Darryl offers a bet on dinner, Michael counters with "loser works on Saturday." Michael's clucking gets Darryl again, and he agrees to the bet. Dwight walks over to Michael with a little smile, repeating the clucking and wanting a high-five, but Michael just barks, "Don't screw this up." I think every time Michael does that, it adds a month to the time in therapy Dwight would need to function well. Since he's already up to 284 years, he really can't afford that.
Later, we see Michael in full basketball regalia, including an undoubtedly unnecessary wrap around his knee. He warms up, in a sequence that includes a few moves that someone in the military might make while trying to clear a bug infestation out of his underpants. Also, Michael is apparently under the impression that playing basketball will involve inline skating, based on some of these warm-up exercises.
Upstairs, Angela can't find the first-aid kit. When she asks who has it, Dwight soundlessly lifts it over his head without even turning to face her. "How many times have I told you? I'm the safety officer, not you," she says coldly. They have so much in common.
Warehouse. Michael repeatedly practices his dunk without success, until finally -- we see him make one. It's sort of shocking, until we pull back to see that warehouse guy Lonny, whom we will one day know as "Sea Monster," is holding the hoop down at a reduced height. Not embarrassing at all, Michael. Not at all. The hoop is raised to its normal height, and Michael's shot goes mostly horizontally through the net. If Michael could live his entire life with the net lowered, I think he'd be entirely happy, as long as everyone else agreed not to mention it and someone else had the net positioned even lower.
In a TH up in the office, Jim reveals that he played basketball pretty seriously in high school, and he's looking forward to this. "You know, I think I'm going to impress a few people in here." And some of them are totally girls. In his gym clothes, Jim ties his shoes out in reception, asking Pam if she's going to wish him luck. "Yeah, you're going to need it," she says, and then off his "whoa," she opens her mouth wide for a beautiful "Oh, yeah, I said it!" expression. "Is that trash talk from Pam?" She playfully tells him that Roy is competitive and badly does not want to work this weekend, so she's pretty sure he'll be going all out. Jim tells Pam he's going to the outlet mall, so if she wants to "save big on brand names" while Roy is working, "which he will, because I'm also competitive," she should come with him. "I think I'm going to be up at the lake," she says innocently, then twists her face into more "I dare you" goofiness. "I think I'll see you at the mall...yeah," he says with considered seriousness. She laughs. That's one of my favorite early scenes, because they get so much air under it. Even their flirtatious moments can be buried in the leaden environment sometimes, but that one just sails.
Everyone gathers in the warehouse for the game. Roy and Pam share a big smooch, to the intense discomfort of Jim, who manages to be standing right there for it. And then, as Michael starts his speech, we see Dwight, who...dude. Dwight is wearing one of those face-protecting plastic masks, of course, and it makes him look even more like he's half-robot than he normally does. Michael gives a lame speech, Jim and Roy shake hands, and we are off.
Michael assigns himself to cover Roy, and when Jim says he thought maybe he'd do that, Michael "counters" that Roy is the best player on the warehouse squad. Dwight will cover "the East German gal." Dwight enthusiastically peels off his shirt, announcing, "We'll be skins!" Everyone is horrified at his pasty form, and he is coaxed back into his "Anime Expo" shirt. Barely less embarrassing. Pam, to her discomfort, is in charge of the jump ball. When it goes to Stanley, Michael immediately learns that Stanley dribbles bent-over with one floppy hand while holding the other behind his back. Michael loudly trumpets his disbelief, because...he thought that...Stanley would be...better at basketball? , you'll tell me Stanley can't dance!
So basketball ensues. Roy and Jim are both pretty good, and when Jim puts a particularly pretty move down to get past Roy, Pam can't resist giving a little whoop. Uh-oh! Dwight hits a nice shot, only to be eye-rolled by Michael, who can't believe Dwight didn't hit him when he was open. Dwight tries to take a drink and pours water up his mask, and that's certainly one for the highlight reel. Michael calls a bogus foul on himself and awards himself the shot, and all I have to say about that is that if anyone in college basketball used a ball-bouncing ritual like Michael's, no one would finish a game before graduation. And after all that, Michael's first shot goes right over the backboard. A pass from Jim flies right past Michael and into a pile of boxes. Dwight and the East German gal are about to throw down. Roy takes the ball away from Michael while Michael is doing his Harlem Globetrotters impression. Eventually, Michael calls time, and during the huddle, Jim agrees to take over guarding Roy. Dun-dun! Jim scores, and he cruises by Pam with a little "Eh?" smile, which she returns. And then Jim gets Roy's elbow in the face and gets a bloody nose. (Reportedly a real on-set accident, it could not have been planned better.) And then Jim scores, and then Jim takes the ball away from Roy, and then Jim throws Roy to the ground with his elbow. Everyone's happy about that...except Roy. Dwight steals the ball from Ryan. "Same team, Dwight," Ryan says softly. Phyllis makes a shot -- aw, Phyllis!
Michael runs over and asks Angela the score. Angela tells him that sales is ahead at the moment, and as it happens, Michael soon suffers a flagrant foul! And he wants to call off the game! And he guesses they'll just have to leave off at whatever the score is now, because he just cannot play under these conditions! What bad luck! Angela offers Michael a cold pack from the first-aid kit for whatever his grievous/bogus injury might be, but Dwight snatches it away, insisting that you have to "break the interior bag" -- and, of course, he explodes the bag, spraying its contents all over Michael. When Michael sums up that he guesses this means the warehouse guys will work Saturday, they essentially announce to him that that's not going to happen. Michael edges closer to them and reminds them that he's the boss. Lonny tells Michael that...they're coming in on Monday...right? Michael chuckles nervously. Jim looks on, stricken -- not wanting to work the weekend, not wanting Roy to win anything, not wanting Michael to get pushed around, and knowing that Michael is probably going to give in here, because it's his nature to be a coward even when he's right, let alone when he's already acting ridiculous. Michael chuckles and stammers, and finally he agrees that the office staff will come in Saturday. Jim looks disgusted and disappointed. Everyone else just looks like they don't want to work Saturday.
As the staff begins to file out, Kevin starts shooting at the basket. One goes in. Two. Three. Four in a row. You should know that on the DVD? That sequence of shots is even longer. The more you watch, the more you learn that underestimating Brian Baumgartner is a dangerous misstep.
Upstairs, in the afterglow of the game, Jim reclines in a chair near Pam's desk, idly chatting with her about the scout he's been talking to -- though he hasn't signed anything yet. (Heh.) Roy trucks on in to ruin everything, as usual. As Pam is on her way out, she agrees with Roy's ribbing of Jim by noting that "he's...pretty good." As Jim is basking in this and Pam is heading out, he hears her say something to Roy about getting him "into a tub," and of course, his smile drains away. Don't think about it, Jim. Mental images are no one's friend.
Michael emerges from his office with tissues stuffed in his nose, and he instructs the staff not to "be gloomy" about having to come in on the weekend. When everyone responds with stony silence, Michael caves yet again and tells them to forget it -- nobody's coming in tomorrow. It's not like working tomorrow will keep them from being downsized, after all. Michael THs that sports is "all about character," and that you can learn a lot even when you don't win. "But we did," he says, "because we were ahead."
And...credits. Everyone has the weekend off, Michael has tissues stuffed in his nose, Roy is taking a bath, and Oscar is probably swatting a piñata somewhere, eh?