By Miss Alli
Credits. All I'm saying is that if you don't sing along, there is something wrong with you. But I'm not judging, really.
Dwight is pacing nervously outside the men's room when Michael emerges, and Michael's terrified startle makes it appear that having Dwight jump out at him unexpectedly is perhaps something Michael has bad dreams about. And what's on Dwight's mind this morning? The downsizing, and his expectation and hope that, as assistant regional manager, he'd be exempt. Michael, of course, points out the missing "to the," because if he doesn't, he'll just be a boring, mostly incompetent middle manager. Michael breaks the news that corporate has declined to promise to protect the sales staff if there is downsizing, but Michael claims there's not going to be any downsizing anyway. Dwight says, "Bottom line: do I need to be worried?" Michael shakes his head firmly, but says, "Mm-mm-mm-maybe." So now, we will see what happens when Dwight is worried.
In a TH, Michael insists that he doesn't enjoy letting anyone go, and hates the idea of telling anyone they're fired -- a statement that gives him the opportunity to do his Donald Trump impression, which sounds weirdly like a caricature of Ringo Starr in about 1965. He says an office can't function if people are sad, and if he had a catch phrase, it would be, "You're hired." Tricky!
Dwight? Well, Dwight has taken a turn since his days of endorsing downsizing wholeheartedly, and all of a sudden, he's weirdly nervous, tapping his leg under his desk and causing a row of bobbleheads to...bobble. Dwight THs that it's a disadvantage for him that people tend to gossip around the water cooler -- as Jim, Oscar, and Toby are doing -- because he brings his own bottled water, which he helpfully holds up for the camera, the better to make his point. Being the resourceful person that he is, Dwight soon has the water cooler to his desk, where he tells an unhappy Stanley and Kevin it was put for "maintenance." They are totally buying that. "So...what do you guys hear? What's the scuttlebutt?" he asks. They look at each other.
Michael tells us that he's got a great idea for morale improvement, and to that end, he's ordered up a birthday party. Unfortunately, Pam tells him that the closest birthday is Meredith's, and it isn't for another month. Michael takes this in stride, just figuring it'll be a bigger surprise this way. This is what happens, of course, when he insists on forcing everything, which he usually does. When Pam looks unimpressed with the idea of an out-of-season "birthday" party, Michael undertakes a piece of lengthy, agonizing shtick about whether she's actually alive in there, because GOD KNOWS, you'd think if she were alive, she'd be laughing hysterically and coquettishly touching his arm a lot, or whatever Michael envisions women doing.
Our historic first glimpse of the party-planning committee comes as Pam, Phyllis, and Angela miserably discuss their options for this party that's basically destined to flop before a morsel of cake is ordered. Phyllis, working a much more depressed, defeated, lifeless attitude than she will have in later episodes, berates herself for only being able to think of streamers as decorations. "That's dumb," she laments. "Everybody has streamers." Pam suggests green as the theme color, but Angela makes her first foray into Angela-ness when she declares it "kind of whore-ish." That's what they say, you know. That's how you can tell a hooker's birthday party. It's the one with the green streamers. That's why hookers are so fucked (so to speak) if they have their birthdays near St. Patrick's Day. Pam, in a TH that seems a little too har-har for her in retrospect, explains that she suggested flipping a coin over some of this stuff, but Angela took exception to the gambling: "Of course, by saying that, she was gambling that I wouldn't smack her." It's either the line itself or Jenna Fischer's not-quite-comfy-yet delivery, but that one just doesn't quiiiite work.
Michael strolls into the room, explaining to the camera that the "party-planning beeyotches" did a great '80s party last year -- and of course, Michael was Don Johnson, as we see in a handy nearby picture. Michael advocates for an ice-cream cake, but it's pointed out to him that Meredith is allergic to dairy, so...maybe not. Of course, the party isn't about Meredith just because she's the "birthday" girl, so Michael won't hear this, and he continues to insist on mint chocolate chip. In a sense, this party is for everyone, which results in its being for no one. Pam works on her Michael-hating face. It's already...coming along.
In better news, Jim hides his excitement when Dwight approaches him and darkly proposes that they "form an alliance." In light of the downsizing and everything. "Do you want to form an alliance with me?" Dwight asks. Jim looks around, entirely straight-faced as he absolutely must be, just to make sure that nobody is looking, and then he says, "Absolutely I do." In a TH, Jim tells us that he was "so happy," because the thing is, Dwight always annoys him. At this, we get a quick cut-in of the now-famous exchange in which Dwight innocently asks, "Did you get your tickets?" And when Jim doesn't know what the hell he's talking about, Dwight says, "To the gun show," pulls up his sleeve, and kisses his own bicep. It's one of those things it seems like they must have pulled it from something and didn't have time for it, and they were waiting for somewhere to put it, and when Jim said Dwight always annoyed him? There was the opportunity. Anyway, Jim says that owing to the gun show and other irritations, he sits around coming up with revenge fantasies all day that won't result in criminal prosecution, and then Dwight comes along and hands him the greatest opportunity ever. If Dwight weren't complicit in so many of his own victimizations, they would be far less enjoyable.
Even though Dwight has cautioned him not to tell anyone about their alliance, Jim shockingly goes straight to -- reception! There, an amused Pam doesn't even know what an "alliance" means in this context. Jim correctly pegs it as a Survivor reference. He also thinks it may lead to building a fort. A fort with plenty of demarcation, of course. And possibly guns. Just then, Dwight calls out to Jim from across the room. "Jim! Hey...hi, Pam. Can I talk to you for a second about the...paper products?" He should really be a spy. Smoother than a velvet slipper, that one.
Behind the door to the break room, Dwight wants to know whether Jim told Pam about the alliance. Jim assures Dwight that he's just using her -- for the good of the alliance. He's using all the information she has access to. She's the office's control center, see? Dwight is impressed. Jim says that Dwight needs to understand that he has to pretend he's having fun with Pam, and there will be "chatting and giggling," and Dwight will have to remain focused and ignore it. Dwight agrees, because he is faithful to his alliance and he is playing this game with integrity and Jonathan is a rat cancer!
When we come back, Michael is showing off the truly horrible card he got Meredith, which wishes her "Happy Bird-day." The "bird" involved is a big black bird with real feathers, and by "real feathers," I mean "real fake feathers." Michael is reviewing what everyone has already written on the card, and he tells us that whatever he adds has to be "really, really funny," because everyone expects him to be so awesome, and people are down in the dumps anyway, so they can't afford to have him let them down. He is the inspirer! If he drops the comedy ball, no one will be able to pick it up again. It's like a spirit stick.
Dwight and Jim conspiratorially peek through a door at Toby and Kevin talking. Dwight dispatches Jim to find out what they're talking about, for the alliance. We almost immediately cut to Jim and Dwight out in the parking lot during the debriefing, where Jim reports that "tensions were high" when he went into the room. Of course, we flash back to see a conversation about the sandwich Kevin was having for lunch. But Jim tells Dwight that Kevin and Toby are "trying to get Angela kicked off." It's wonderful how Jim has naturally adopted the "kicked off" language, even though it doesn't make a damn bit of sense in this context. Kevin and Jim agree that the sandwich place Kevin ordered from is good -- specifically, Jim melodiously endorses Kevin's position on the quality of the bread: "Their bread is very good." Jim tells Dwight that they'll have to assume that the whole office is aligning against them and "trying to get [them] kicked off." "Why us?" Dwight complains. "Because we're strong," Jim says, adopting the "I am being eliminated because I suffer from a surplus of greatness" position that's actually been taken by many failed reality-show contestants past. Nice attention to detail.
In his office, Michael dies a slow, painful, agonizing death of the soul while waiting for inspiration to bring him a joke for Meredith's card. As he suffers, Oscar walks in to explain that his nephew is involved with a charity related to cerebral palsy, and he'd like to know if Michael might donate. Michael looks askance at the two- and three-dollar pledges already on Oscar's list, and says these people "do not care about diseases," and he will be more generous, and will be giving twenty-five bucks. Oscar is gobsmacked, but Michael tells him about how he should take it as a lesson in how all sorts of good qualities "convalescences into morale." I think it's safe to say that everyone's morale is already convalescing.
As Jim and Dwight sit at their adjacent desks, Pam comes up to Jim's desk and speaks in "hushed" tones about how she overheard conversations between Michael and corporate that involve "staffing issues." She's terribly conflicted! She doesn't know what to do! Jim mustn't tell anyone! He promises he won't, and as Jim and Pam get up and leave together, Dwight looks satisfied with what he's been fed. "All her idea, too," Jim says admiringly of Pam's execution in a TH. "She's so great." And then he gets self-conscious and looks up and to the right, where he always looks hopefully for the planet where nobody can tell he's in love with Pam. Planet Obtuse-o, I suppose.
Dwight breezes into Michael's office, apparently at Michael's request. Michael wants a joke for Meredith's card, so he asks what Dwight knows about her, but Dwight thinks Michael is talking about downsizing, and he says, "I don't think she'd be missed." Heh. Michael clarifies that he needs to know more about his "friend" Meredith. Dwight runs down what he knows: her name, her divorces and kids, her "multiple Dundies," and so forth. This will not do; Michael wants something fun, so Dwight offers up the fact that she had a hysterectomy. Michael doesn't remember what that is, so Dwight reminds him that this is that one where they remove the uterus. Michael is disgusted, not really because it's confidential or even because it's personal, but mostly because it's not sufficiently upbeat. "What am I going to do with a removed uterus?" he demands to know. Mmm, macaroni art? Sorry. Michael kicks Dwight out.
Dwight, who is being fucked with eight ways to Sunday and then eight more ways to the following Sunday during this episode, meets with Jim in the conference room. Jim passes along that there's another alliance -- a rival alliance -- that's meeting in the warehouse during Meredith's surprise party. Jim "argues" that there's no good place to hide, but Dwight says he knows just what to do. In a TH, he tells us that he knows all about hiding from his experience with deer-hunting. That already sounds bad, by which I mean, of course, that it sounds awesome, since with Dwight, these are the same thing. And in the warehouse, Dwight climbs into a box. Jim looks around to see if Santa is watching, so that he can give him the "thanks for reading my letter" thumbs-up.
Meredith is apparently on her way, so Michael hastily arranges the party-hatted Officians in surprise formation.
Jim continues to set Dwight up for the spike by "worrying" that hiding in the box won't work -- the lid is open! Dwight suggests -- nay, insists -- that Jim tape him inside the box. Thus, as usual, does Dwight manage to spike himself. He can get the kill and be the ball at the same time.
Upstairs, when Angela and Meredith come into the office to a cry of "Surprise!", Meredith assumes it's for Angela and turns to her to weakly say, "Surprise." Angela explains the confusion. This is going to be a great party.
Warehouse. Jim asks if he should stay with the box. No, no! He must go upstairs to the party! Well, okay. Dwight THs that he doesn't entirely trust Jim, but he doesn't have a choice. Jim gleefully and thoroughly tapes Dwight into the box with one of those big tape-rolling guns. Zzzzzzzzip! Zzzzzzzzip! Zzzzzzzzzip!
With the party in full swing, Michael scarfs ice-cream cake while forcing Meredith to admit that encountering her birthday party a month early certainly was a surprise, all right. Michael manages to mock her and her lactose intolerance, so I'm thinking it's probably her best party ever.
Warehouse. Dwight's box. Eyeholes.
At reception, Pam kind of can't believe Dwight's really down in the warehouse in a box. Jim encourages her to go down there and "work [her] magic," so Pam, still in her party hat, makes her way to the warehouse, where she makes a great show of getting on her cell phone and loudly talking strategy talk designed to make Dwight crazy, which it apparently does, since he's so much with the excited wiggling that the box falls over with a thud.
At the party, Jim congratulates Michael on the generous gift to Oscar's charity, and this is how Michael learns that he has pledged twenty-five dollars a mile for a walkathon, not twenty-five dollars total. So Michael awkwardly calls Oscar into his office to retract the pledge. Oscar kind of gives him shit about it, which I have to say I don't really agree with -- if the person clearly didn't understand what they were doing when they pledged a sort of outlier amount, I don't really agree with holding them to it on a technicality, even though Michael is the dick here just like he is in almost every other situation. Michael winds up asking Oscar how many miles his nephew walked last year. When he hears that the answer is "eighteen," Michael mutters, "Son of a bitch...that is impressive, good for him."
Dwight cuts the box open from the inside. Good thing he carries a blade! He then proceeds to climb out of it, emerging like a bird from an egg. But a crazy, angry bird. A crazy, angry bird with a list of enemies. Props to Rainn Wilson for that stunt, and extra props to whomever decided that Darryl, in his first significant appearance, should be standing there watching when Dwight turns around. I bet that's the first time in a while that a guy's come out of one of the boxes on the warehouse floor.
Meredith is presented with her card. She reads everything aloud, as Michael instructs, and everyone's jokes are perfectly fine, if not great. Michael's turns out to be, "Let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age." Awkward. Michael spits out a few words, like "rumors" and "because you're gettin' old," but Meredith, not unpleasantly, says that she got it okay. Michael isn't satisfied with the fact that she didn't laugh, so he starts to read off his alternative jokes. All of which are equally stupid, as you can imagine. Everyone joins in the horror. Michael turns on the party-planning committee, blaming the streamers. No, really. Angela, in turn, blames Phyllis for the streamers, which are red, and presumably even more whore-ish in her opinion than green ones would be. If somebody had just gotten actual whores, it would have been a better party, I have to point out. Michael goes for the save with a pep talk about community, but mostly, it turns into a talk about how great he is, and how he gave all this money to "Oscar's...[wave hand dismissively]...nephew's...[wave hand dismissively]...'walkathon.'" Careful, Michael. You don't want to give the impression that you don't care about diseases.
In a TH, Michael gives one of his many speeches about desperately craving significance (connect with other people; matter to the universe), as he explains that he wants people to remember him as someone who gave something back -- like a wing of a hospital, for instance. He goes through a genius pre-enactment of the wonderful moment to come when he outs himself as the "anonymous" donor of this fantasy hospital wing. So he wants to be anonymous for the sheer pleasure of busting himself to unwitting strangers. Awesome. And then, back at the party, he hugs Oscar and tells him not to cash the check until Friday. That anonymous guy is so generous.
In a wonderful little throwaway, Ryan has clearly just told Toby it's his birthday. Toby offers to tell everyone. Ryan tells him not to. But Ryan, you won't get a bird-day card!
Reception. Jim is excitedly telling Pam about his new plan to get Dwight to go on an espionage mission to Stamford, but to first convince him that he has to dye his hair blond. They're laughing and giggling, and for a minute, you can see that he's hunched over her desk holding her hand. If you are a certain sort of person, this is your desktop wallpaper. And you have Photoshopped the word "Eeeeee!" on top of it. In pink. And then he's not holding her hand, but then he is, and just as he is, Roy comes busting in, with his "What the hell is this?" and so forth. Jim responds to the suggestion that he's attempting to "cop a feel" with a complicated mix of (1) fear of being pummeled; (2) embarrassment that people will get the wrong idea; and (3) embarrassment that people will get the actual idea. Jim laughs nervously as he tells Roy about the alliance and how innocent the whole thing is. Of course, when Roy asks Dwight for clarification of this "alliance" talk, Dwight says..."I have absolutely no idea."
Roy just drags Pam away. Dwight THs in a voiceover that he doesn't feel guilty about stabbing Jim in the back. These things happen, after all. "That's the game," as he puts it. And then we go to the video just in time to see that Dwight's hair is platinum blond. Genius. "I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson," says Dwight. That just might be true, that last part. Maybe more than one.