Kirsten takes a look around and finally realizes that Newport might not be the best place to raise a child. It's nineteen years too late for Seth, but I'm sure he'll appreciate it. For now, he's too busy trying to make an artsy film after Summer dares him that he can't. It turns out that she was right. Kaitlin has had enough of Frank and his omnipresence in Dr. Neil's house and her mother's life, and sets about getting rid of him by planting Clown Porn in his bag. Which was amazing. Kaitlin continues to rock when she gets a chance to do some real acting as she tearfully tells her mother that she's sick of losing people. Julie pays attention and tells Frank to back off for a while. Ice creams for everyone!
Meanwhile, Taylor decides that even though she said she was going to work on not needing to hear "I love you" and try to develop as her own person, she now needs to hear Ryan say "I love you" so that she can go off to Berkeley with him. To that end, she tries to get him drunk to loosen his tongue. She gets drunk instead, but he does say he loves her. I have no idea why, but he does. Then she stupidly (or at least, drunkenly) spills the beans about wanting to follow him to Berkeley, and he starts feeling a little weird about everything. The day, she can't remember much of what happened and he's freaked out enough to replace her romantic birthday present with a dictionary. And then he gets over it and they make up just in time for a big ol' earthquake to hit town.
Previously on The O.C.: I miss BULLIT already. Also, a long-dead non-storyline about Sandy's quest for male friends is resurrected.
Sea animal-themed inflatable floats drift around the Cohen pool. A dog barks in the distance. And the world starts shaking so hard that it causes windows to spontaneously explode. Sweet.
Sadly, we're forced to leave this scene to travel back in time to "seventy-two hours earlier." Lame! I want to see earthquakes. Summer and Taylor are discussing Taylor's birthday. Taylor is thrilled to pieces that Summer and Ryan are throwing her a party since she's never had one before, which is so sad. Summer wants to buy Taylor a present, but Taylor keeps asking for things Summer can't buy her like lingerie and Ryan asking her to go to Berkeley with him year. Wha? Yes, Taylor says, she applied to Berkeley along with some good schools, and she'd rather accompany Ryan to Berkeley than go to, say, Harvard or Oxford. Sigh. She thinks if she can get Ryan to say he loves her then everything else will magically fall into place. Summer and Taylor grab coffees even though it's too late in the day for caffeine and sit down at a table. Summer checks out a newspaper since she's really into being informed these days and disapproves of a huge front-page article about the mayor warning of earthquake weather. Summer says it's this kind of bad science that allows politicians deny the existence of global warming. I thought the mayor was into the environment. Also, it was a really slow news day in Newport. Taylor scoffs at how often people predict "the Big One" and then it never happens. One way to ensure that it will happen, of course, is to say it won't. Thanks a lot, Taylor. "It almost makes you wish that it would," she says. Why? I don't. I'm usually pleased when the Big One is predicted and then doesn't happen, because that means I stay alive.
Ryan's on his way to work in the morning when he finds Taylor in the backyard setting up breakfast. She says it's to thank him for throwing her the birthday party, since every other birthday of hers was spent watching Sixteen Candles and, Ryan says, "talking to a gypsy on the psychic hotline." Way to be offensive, Ryan. They're called Roma or Romany or -- in England anyway -- Travellers. Maybe if you watched House instead of working at The Pav all the time, you'd know that. Ryan says that he's expecting something "in return" from Taylor for all the effort he's put into planning her party: "I expect to have my way with you," he says. And then he kisses her lightly on the cheek. I guess that's his way. Taylor not-so-subtlely brings up how sad it's going to be when they all go off to their respective colleges in six months and that they need to take a "wild, impulsive jump into the unknown." Ryan just enjoys the croissants and doesn't know what Taylor's talking about.
Kaitlin has to endure seeing Frank and her mother make out in the kitchen. She grabs an open pitcher of orange juice out of the fridge (why no cartons of Tropicana, Julie? The open pitcher makes no sense and isn't space efficient) and expresses her disgust. Kaitlin: voice of the audience. Julie offers to make Kaitlin a real breakfast, and Frank says Julie has many talents besides cooking, like, reign it in, Frank. God. Kaitlin points out that Frank's "convict bag" is on the counter. It just looks like an ordinary duffel bag to me, but I won't deny that it's as dirty and germy as Kaitlin says it is. Julie demands an apology. Kaitlin obliges, but it's not sincere. Frank claims he's going on a job interview and leaves. Julie follows him out, which gives Kaitlin some alone time with Frank's bag.
Kirsten voyages out of her house for the first time in months to go to a prenatal yoga class. Unfortunately for her, Holly is there. Holly says she just found out she's pregnant (hope she wasn't pregnant while she was downing all that champagne!) and that she wants to have a baby and a six-pack. You know, The O.C. writers, there are women out there -- yes, even women who care about their appearance -- who like how they look when they're pregnant, "fat" and all. It's kind of special to have a baby growing inside you. And your boobs get bigger! Kirsten attempts to escape human interaction, but Holly calls her "hoes" over and they invite her to join their silly club, the Six-Pack Pack, for pregnant women who aren't fat. Ho #2 threatens to induce labor early if she gets too fat. There can't actually be people like this in the world, right? Right?
Summer stops by The Pav to talk to Ryan about Taylor's B-day. He's giving Taylor a bound edition of some French poems she translated for her present. Summer compliments the romanticness of this present, but also hints that saying "I love you" would be even more romantic. Ryan is suspicious that Taylor put Summer up to this, and Summer doesn't make him any less so with her clumsy stammering. I'm glad Taylor needs to hear him say he loves her after all that stuff we went through with her learning that that wasn't important. I really don't feel like I wasted my time watching that at all now.
The Promenade is hopping today, as Frank meets with Kaitlin. "I wanted to talk to you alone," he says. Kaitlin asks him if he's planning on doing something "pervy." Heh heh. He says that he understands why Kaitlin is suspicious of him considering his past, and Kaitlin says that has nothing to do with her feelings about him. After all, she says, BULLIT went to jail, too, and he was awesome. And Kaitlin is also awesome and will probably end up in jail at some point in the future. Kaitlin's main problem with Frank, she says, is that he's boring, especially compared to BULLIT. Count your blessings, Kaitlin. You know what isn't boring? A slap across the face! I'll bet Ryan, Trey, and Dawn were never bored living with Frank. Frank claims that Julie doesn't think he's boring. "That's because you're sleeping with her," Kaitlin retorts. "Can you not say that kind of thing?" Frank asks. Seriously, Kaitlin. It's your mom. No sex talk, please. Kaitlin says she'd be happy to change the subject, and does so -- to prison rape. She wonders why if dropping the soap is so bad, prisons don't just install soap dispensers. That's like asking why the Enterprise never got seatbelts even though it was the Utopian future and they really needed them.
Julie wanders into the kitchen and picks Frank's bag up off the floor, only to find it bursting with Clown Porn. I love you, Kaitlin.
Summer and Seth go on a boring date to a G.E.O.R.G.E.-related art show. Seth does not like the artsy environmental films Summer makes him watch. Neither do I. Where's the earthquake? Summer claims she just wants to see Seth get excited about something. By which she means "excited about the same things I'm excited about even though you never expect me to share your interests." She dares Seth to make a better film than the ones they're watching.
Kirsten surprises Sandy at his office. He's happy to see her, but Kirsten can only make sad faces and stare at the ground. "People in Newport are awful!" she cries. Sandy's like, "no duh." She says the people seem worse than ever, based on the future generation she saw in her yoga class. She isn't sure she wants to raise a child around people like this. Well, seeing how great Seth was doing before Ryan came into town, I don't blame her. It's a shame that it took a different child to figure that out, though. I'm sure Seth appreciates her realization, albeit nineteen years too late for him. Sandy invites her out to dinner with Spitz and his wife to restore her faith in humanity. Then he asks if he can join the Six-Pack Pack and dares his wife to punch him in his abs to test their rock hardness. Careful, Sandy! That's how Houdini died.
Ryan and Taylor watch the non-Disney version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Taylor uses it as an example of how tragic it is when someone is too afraid to say he loves someone else. Ever-literal, Ryan says that's probably for the best, since the chances of things working out between a beautiful young woman and a hunchback who lives in a bell tower aren't great. Taylor says she's talking about bigger things than the movie, and Ryan gets the hint and tries to say he loves her... but chickens out. I think the fact that he tried should really be enough for her. Especially since they've only been dating for like six months. Also, stop basing your life decisions around men, Taylor. Go to the college you want to, not the college your boyfriend is going to. Don't be like Topanga from Boy Meets World.
After the commercial, Taylor is writing a letter to Berkeley to decline her scholarship. She also says this is also the obituary for her and Ryan's relationship. Drama queen. Summer jokingly tells Taylor to tie Ryan down and shoot him up with sodium pentathol to get him to say he loves her. Taylor, of course, thinks this is an awesome idea. Summer bargains her down to getting him drunk, courtesy of the Roberts wine cellar. Does Dr. Neil know about this? Between Julie selling off his stuff and Summer's friends drinking the rest, by the time Dr. Neil reclaims that house it's going to be empty.
Ryan comes home from a ten-mile jog to find Sandy in the kitchen watching Seth set up for a day of experimental video shooting out back. Has it been 72 hours yet? Where's the earthquake? It looked like it would be so awesome in the previews. I can't wait! Sandy asks Ryan about his relationship woes, having somehow figured out that Ryan is wondering if he should tell Taylor he loves her for her birthday. Sandy says a love proclamation "changes everything," which is a good reason why it shouldn't be cheapened by this silent ultimatum thing Taylor's doing. It doesn't make sense and we've seen it like three times already this season, and now we're forced to watch it instead of an earthquake! Sandy tells Ryan to just be honest and tell Taylor how he feels. Great advice there, Father Figure. And with that settled, Sandy and Ryan focus on what Seth's doing outside.
Ryan goes out to investigate. Seth inflates some pool toys and says he's making a film for Summer called Six Hours in the Pool. He also tells Ryan that Taylor called to invite Ryan over for dinner. Why didn't she just call his cell? Whatever. Seth starts setting up his shot, but even he doesn't care about this subplot, so why should we?
Julie decides to confront Frank with the clown porn like three days after she found it. I would have done it before I spent the night with him again, but then again, I wouldn't have been so easily fooled to believe that Frank would just leave a ton of clown porn in an open bag. Frank denies it's his, but Julie is still skeptical, especially since she also found a big red clown wig in the bag. I think Clown Ward is missing his hair. It finally dawns on Julie that Kaitlin set Frank up. Immediately after that, it dawns on Julie that Kaitlin has access to clown porn. This concerns her, as well it should. I don't even have access to clown porn. At least, I don't think I do. And I'm not going to check. Frank says that he thinks it's best to take whatever Kaitlin throws at him and wait for her to get over it. Kaitlin, of course, is listening in and doesn't like the sound of that.
Seth shows Summer his film. It's six hours of footage of the pool toys floating around in the pool. And it's more interesting that Seth and Summer are together lately. Summer accuses Seth of being lazy and making fun of her. Seth asks if he's supposed to "follow Ryan around with a camera and wait until he punches someone." Why not? I'm pretty sure that's how Josh Schwartz sold this show to Fox. Summer tells Seth to do something that engages him. Oh, so now she wants Seth to be engaged?
Kirsten and Sandy show up at the Yacht Club for dinner with the Spitzes. Mrs. Spitz, of course, is everything that is wrong with society rolled into one person. She gets off the phone with a friend of hers who's having problems with a guy she's dating. "The guy's wife's all like, 'uh, I'll kill you!'" Mrs. Spitz reports. Wow, that sounds awesome. Can we watch that? Or at least an earthquake? Mrs. Spitz says she was "born and bred" in Newport. Kirsten shoots a pointed "I told you so" look at Sandy like he was the one who insisted on staying in Newport and raising a son there.
Taylor pours the hell of out of some wine despite Ryan's protests that he doesn't need that much. Taylor is all nervous and practically throws the plate of dinner in Ryan's lap. Ryan says he wants to talk to Taylor, but she insists on waiting until after dinner for the serious conversation. Then she forces more wine on him.
Mrs. Spitz is a Delta Delta Delta and still goes to her sorority's rush. I'll bet they all make fun of the old lady who keeps hanging out with the college kids, too. Mrs. Spitz says that she got really wasted last year and felt sick the day. She was afraid she was losing her boozing abilities, but it was just morning sickness, much to her relief. Oh COME ON! Now she's gone from a shallow asshole to sort of evil! And then Mrs. Spitz invites Kirsten and Sandy out for tequila shots, saying that Kirsten's refusal to drink while pregnant is "lame." Are Fetal Alcohol Syndrome babies trendy in Newport or something? This had better be leading up to an earthquake that kills Mrs. Spitz off in a most humorous fashion. Mr. Spitz is embarrassed, and one wonders why he wanted his friend to meet his awful wife or even stays married to her. Kirsten says she's an alcoholic, expecting that statement to be met with the gravity it deserves. Instead, Mrs. Spitz winks and says she is, too. She invites Kirsten out with her after she has "that thing," a.k.a. her baby, even though Kirsten clearly hates her. Mrs. Spitz doesn't know how to read a room. I guess having only two dimensions will does that to a person. A baby cries at a nearby table and Mrs. Spitz orders it to be taken outside. She tells the Cohens not to "freak" as the baby is actually hers. A nanny takes the baby outside and hopefully to the nearest reputable adoption agency. Sandy and Kirsten take the hell off.
And Taylor is wasted. Ryan isn't, claiming that the Atwood genes make him able to "withstand massive qualities of alcohol." Odd, I thought Atwood genes made one slug helpless people when given massive amounts of alcohol. Ryan drags Taylor into her bed and tucks her in. Taylor stupidly reveals that she tried to get Ryan drunk so he'd say he loved her. Then she passes out. Or just pretends to, hoping that Ryan will say he loves her, thinking she's asleep. Even totally wasted, Taylor's plotting. Ryan sees right through the act, though, and then tells Taylor he loves her. And if he can say that when she's totally wasted and annoying then you know he means it. "Now we can go to Berkeley together!" Taylor cheers. She tells Ryan all about how she applied to and got into Berkeley and then she passes out for reals. Ryan feels understandably overwhelmed.
Seth films Ryan wrapping Taylor's birthday present. He has an easy time of this, as there's no earthquake getting in the way. Damn it! Seth says Ryan's present is really romantic. Ryan tells him that he told Taylor he loved her. Seth is shocked.
Summer tends to Taylor's hangover and asks about last night. Taylor tells her that Ryan said he loved her, and they share girly squeals of delight. Then Taylor starts wondering if Ryan really said it or she just had some wine-inspired dream that he did.
Ryan tells Seth's camera that he suddenly felt like he had to tell Taylor he loved her. Seth asks him if he regrets this, and Ryan says he kind of does now that he knows about Berkeley. Their relationship is "suddenly going Mach 5" he says. Well, that worked out okay for Speed Racer.
Taylor has a new dilemma: she doesn't know how she can verify with Ryan that he really said he loved her. Saying she was too drunk to remember and asking him to repeat it properly doesn't seem very romantic to her. Summer has a solution: once Ryan gives Taylor her super-romantic gift, Taylor can say she loves Ryan, and if he said it last night, he's sure to say it again. Except that this time he'll be in a room filled with people so he might not be so willing to express his feelings. And yet, Taylor claims that Summer is a genius.
Seth tells Ryan that if he wants to send Taylor a message that their relationship is moving too fast, that present the way to do it.
Taylor tells Summer she isn't sure if she told Ryan that she wanted to go to Berkeley with him or not. Wow, Taylor's plan really backfired on her, didn't it? I think an earthquake right now would really hammer this point home. But instead, we get Julie. She walks through the scene to tell Taylor she gave the mailman the letter on the counter. Taylor is horrified when she realizes it's the letter declining her Berkeley scholarship. Way to go, Julie.
Taylor runs out of the house in her bathrobe and slippers. The mailman has just collected the mail, including Taylor's letter. We only have two episodes left, and we're wasting a scene with Taylor convincing a mailman to return a letter to her. Great.
Frank takes a jog past the Cohen house and sees Ryan in the driveway. Frank says he likes to jog when he has things on his mind, inviting Ryan to ask him what those things are. Frank says Kaitlin hates him, and he thought Ryan might have some advice on how to change her mind, seeing as Ryan has "some experience with the Cooper women." Wow. So, Ryan's on his way to his new girlfriend's birthday and you're going to invoke the hallowed name of Marissa, Frank? Just to suit your selfish ends? Ass. I hope the earth swallows him up in that earthquake. Where is it, anyway? Ryan tells Frank to be patient and Kaitlin will come around. Frank notices the present in Ryan's hand and asks what it is. Ryan tells him it's French love poems and Frank calls him a "romantic."
Summer tells Taylor that the night will go great and that her plan will work once Ryan gives her the romantic present. If I hear the word "romantic" again, I'm going to call up Mrs. Spitz and do tequila shots. Taylor wonders if she should act surprised when she enters the party. Summer points out that it isn't a surprise party. Taylor decides to do it anyway. They stroll into what I'm guessing is The Pav, and Taylor is greeted by all the opening cast members and Frank. Why is he invited? I don't know. Taylor jumps and says this is a great surprise. Sandy's all "I didn't know it was a surprise party!" sounding very disappointed that he didn't get a chance to get in on the surprise party fun and jump out from behind a couch or something. Ryan gives Taylor a kiss on the cheek and not the lips. He goes to get Taylor a drink and I hope it's a non-alcoholic one since they're still supposed to be minors. Julie and Kaitlin hug Taylor. Aw, that's sweet.
A shameful cover of a Pixies' song plays as Seth films Taylor surveying her table of presents. Okay, who's the wiseass that gave Taylor a bike? Sandy looks over at Kirsten, who is, of course, sitting at a table by herself and looking sad. Can't you fake it just once, Kirsten? For Taylor's party? Sandy takes a seat to Kirsten and says they can move away from Newport. "But this is our home," Kirsten says. Okay then... I guess there's no solution and you'll keep being sad, which is probably what you want. "I just don't think I can," Kirsten moans. The scene cuts away here because even the camera is sick of Kirsten now.
Taylor unwraps her presents, which are wrapped in that time-honored TV-only method of wrapping the box the present is inside with the cover and box wrapped separately. Seth gives Taylor a replica of the sword from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Summer urges Taylor to unwrap Ryan's present . He tells her not to, saying the present is "personal." "Ryan's embarrassed!" Kirsten says. Wow, I can't believe she managed to stop thinking about herself for three seconds. Taylor unwraps the gift to find... a dictionary. Oh. Kirsten tries to make the best of it and says it's a practical gift. "The guy said that it had more words than others," Ryan says. "Well, that's good, being as it is a dictionary," Sandy says with an eye roll. Hey man, you were the guy who was dopily asking about surprise parties a minute ago. Don't throw stones.
Julie goes to the bathroom. The door closes behind her, and there's a sign on it. It's Frank's mug shot and criminal record with "This guy loves clown porn!!" written on it. Ahahahahahahahaha! Julie furiously rips the sign down. She should be mad -- that libel suit Frank's going to file against Julie on behalf of her minor daughter is not going to be pretty. Nice GQ mug shot by the way, Frank.
Summer and Kirsten chat about Seth and the lack of enthusiasm for life Summer's decided he has lately. Summer, he's stuck at home working at a comic store. It's okay that he's in a rut. He's going to college, and then he'll be fine. What's the problem? I don't even care. Of course, Seth is spying on Summer from behind a plant, his video camera taping everything.
Kaitlin sticks another Frank Atwood clown porn sign up on a Promenade business' window. Julie comes up from behind her and rips it down before grabbing the rest of the fliers out of Kaitlin's hands. She asks Kaitlin how Ryan would feel if he saw these fliers, and Kaitlin probably didn't think of that. Julie asks Kaitlin what her problem with Frank is. Kaitlin doesn't say anything about fearing for her and her mother's safety while sharing a home with a man with a history of violence, but instead says that in this year alone, they lost Jimmy, Marissa, Dr. Neil, and now the BULLIT. Yes, Kaitlin, but only one of those losses was actually sad. I'll leave you to figure out which one I'm talking about. Hint: it's not a Cooper. Or a Roberts. "What makes you think that this guy's gonna stick around any longer?" Kaitlin demands, her voice breaking. Julie says she thought Kaitlin gave her her blessing to date Frank. Yeah, she did, but Taylor also said she wasn't going to obsess over Ryan saying he loved her. I think O.C. stands for "Oh my god, these plots run in Circles." Kaitlin says she wanted Julie to date Frank, not have him all moved into the house they squat in after just one week. "He is not family! You and I are!" Kaitlin says; "Why can't we just act like that for a little while?" Frank chooses this time to walk up and say they're bringing out Taylor's cake. Kaitlin looks pained. Julie sends Kaitlin back inside so she can talk to Frank. Wow, Willa Holland really improved this season. Great job.
Ryan finds Taylor sulking in some bushes. She asks him what the deal is with his present. "Are you trying to send me a message?" she asks. Yes, and that message is: improve your vocab skills. Nothing wrong with that. Ryan admits he's feeling weird about the Berkeley thing. Taylor tells him that she actually applied to Berkeley before they started dating, which seems to change things in his mind, and that she wanted to know how he felt about her before she told him. He says going to college together is a "big decision." She asks him if he would have said he loved her if he knew about Berkeley. Ryan doesn't answer. Taylor leaves. But first she has to face a room full of people singing "Happy Birthday" and a giant cake. Taylor steps forward to blow out the candles, then decides to run away instead. Still no earthquake.
Sandy tells Ryan that he and Kirsten will take care of cleaning up The Pav while Ryan goes off to think about stuff. Ryan walks two feet before he finds Kaitlin sitting on a bench, looking pouty. She points out that Julie and Frank are breaking up, and it's her fault. She has nothing against Frank personally (although she should), but she just didn't want to "rush into an insta-family." Unless it's with the BULLIT. Ryan says when he moved in with the Cohens, he thought it would only last a week, but it's four years later and he's still there. Ryan promises Kaitlin that whether or not things work out with Frank, he'll "always be [her] brother... in a completely non-creepy way." Kaitlin tells him to tell Taylor he loves her or else he's an idiot. Julie enters the scene to agree with this.
Seth shows Summer the video he took of her and Kirsten talking about him. He says he gets that she wants him to be passionate about something, but he doesn't know if filmmaking is it. He might be interested in being a film critic, however. "That sounds awesome," he says in face of Summer's disapproval of spending one's life watching movies and telling everyone how much they suck. That's right it's awesome, Seth! Summer doesn't understand you. But I do. Issues unresolved, Summer and Seth leave to rent An Inconvenient Truth.
Julie tells Kaitlin that she told Frank they needed to slow down their relationship so she could spend more time with her daughter. Julie acts all proud of herself like it's special for a mother to spend time with her daughter. Kaitlin pushes her luck and asks for ice cream.
Taylor watches Sixteen Candles and calls a psychic hotline. Ryan comes knocking, and Taylor tells "Esmeralda" she'll call her year and hangs up. Ryan comes in and gives Taylor her real birthday present, the poems. She says it's an amazing gift. Ryan apologizes for freaking out on her. He says he loves her again and he doesn't want to lose her. And to that end, apparently, they can go to Berkeley together. Taylor's eyes well and she's speechless. Ryan points out that that's a first. They make out and the world shakes. YES!
Julie and Kaitlin drop their ice creams and run for shelter.
Windows start exploding in the Roberts home. I guess that's Dr. Neil's final "fuck you" to Julie -- setting her up to live in a place with absolutely no earthquake protection. Ryan and Taylor head for the floor so the maximum amount of objects can fall on them.
Power lines explode all around Seth and Summer.
Really bad sound effects of glass breaking abound in the Roberts mansion.
Kirsten appears to be waking up from one of her depression naps on the floor of The Pav. Sandy runs to her while The Pav totally disintegrates. Is all of Newport made of paper or something?
A big piece of something falls outside the Ice Cream Shoppe.
The Roberts house continues to explode.
A freaking traffic light falls on Seth's car.
A huge cabinet with big glass doors teeters over Ryan and Taylor.
A lamppost full of menace hangs dangerously over Seth's car.
While Seth and Summer wisely vacate the vehicle that's about to be smashed and escape harm, Ryan decides to take one for the team and get squished by furniture. I can't believe they promised us an earthquake this episode, and we had to wait until the last five minutes to get it.