OH MY GOD,WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE? I'm not here to lie to you nice people: I haven't watched this show since the last time I recapped it, but my lack of knowledge regarding a few stray episodes doesn't excuse the basic lack of story structure that exists on this show. Like, who is "Matt" and why is he bleeding? So, let's see: Marissa's mom and Summer's dad announce their engagement, Julie shacking up in Dr. Neil's substantial manse and being unnecessarily glib to the help. Everything seems to be going just about as well as things usually do in Julie's relationships, until Dr. Neil tells her that their relationship is more of a "trial" and suggests that it might not work out. But Julie tells Summer that she's more worried about her downward-spiraling daughter, who keeps dropping her silver hip flask at school because She Has A Drinking Problem. Marissa's also involved in a bad, bad way with a man whose name is, I think, Voldemort, and he is no good for her -- in a "bad boy facial scruff is a gateway drug" kind of way, evidenced by Marissa's descent to using cocaine in the episode's final shot. Ryan, meanwhile, has something going on with a girl named Sadie, until she tries to run away to Portland. And Seth becomes best friends with his mom. Is that one of the secrets or one of the lies? God, I didn't miss this show at all.
Previously: Kirsten loved drinking and falling, Ryan flirted with a girl who isn't Marissa (yay!), Marissa remained a character on The O.C. (boo!), Julie got more deeply involved with yet another man so old he's somehow three times his own age, and Sandy proved that you can't spell "Newport Group" without about a hundred of the letter "zzzzzzzzzzzzz."
Bait Shop. The D.J. spins and the nubile teens writhe, but if no viewers are there to see it, did it actually happen? Up on a balcony, Seth and Summer spend some time Statler-and-Waldorf-ing the scene down below, whereRyan and Sadie are doing nothing short of canoodling. Summer? The floor is yours: "He's leaning forward, indicating all focus is on her. See how her palms are facing up? That means she's open to what he's communicating." Summer smiles smugly, tells Seth that the body doesn't lie, and informs us that the source of this information is "Star magazine, 'What Stars' Body Language is Really Saying.'" I do believe I saw that column in last week's issue, on a page facing a column entitled "Eat a Sandwich, Bitch," featuring Rachel Bilson. Stars! They're just like us! Seth leaps in with some quickie plot development intended for whichever slackers think they can get away with recapping this show having not even seen it since this episode, telling us all, "Well, I've talked to the guy, and what Ryan is really saying is he and Sadie are just taking it slow." But Summer is officially not having it, telling Seth that, not only does she not buy that, she is "sounding out a hot new couple alert." Sh. Stop talking like that. Magazines are shaped like magazines because you can shut them when they begin to bore you.
Ryan drags Sadie up the stairs as if he's holding her hand for dear life, and when they reach Seth and Summer, he tells them that he and Sadie are going to head home. Seth offers to go with them, but Ryan tells them to stay there because Star says you're allowed to act shitty and distant to your friends when you're dating someone new. They skulk off, Ryan standing behind Sadie with his arms around her midriff, prompting Seth to tell Summer, "All right. So they're into each other." Summer says that she's happy for them, but Seth reminds us of the evil scourge of doom -- a rank cloud of black death that surrounds the fictional residents of this alternate universe Orange County -- asking, "You don't feel weird about Marissa?" We all feel weird about Marissa. The kind of weird you feel when you've eaten about a dozen deviled eggs left out overnight after a picnic on the surface of the sun. Is that the kind of weird Seth means? Summer responds that she might feel weird about Marissa if she actually saw Marissa, but that she's been staying at something called "the trailer" since the big, big breakup. She had told Summer that she needed some solitude in which to ponder her sad, sad lot in life, to which Seth takes a peek over the balcony and observes, "Or party with two hundred sweaty teens." I know that's what always makes me feel better. Summer looks where Seth has been looking, and there she is. The girl. The dream. Uta Hagen's biggest challenge. There is Marissa, giving some open-mouthed tongue love to oily bohunk Voldemort. That is his name, right? Something with a "V"? Seth sets it up: "So if the body doesn't lie..." and Summer knocks it down: "Then it's saying, 'Ew.'" And, for the first time in the history of print journalism, I agree with Star magazine. And wouldn't that line be a perfect capper for the scene? Well then, leave it to the writers to go and screw it up. Seth watchesVoldemort's hand travel down Marissa's thigh and land squarely on her ass, inspiring Seth to button the scene, "'Ew'? Or 'touch my pooper'?" That really is what he said, right? Because that right there is the "ew"-iest "ew" of all the "ew"s that ever were.
Credits. No such passion was ever sung about "Montana." Poor Montana.
The detritus of white trash love lies strewn all around: empty bottles, pizza boxes, a bunch of CDs (because you know how many of those the kids are listening to nowadays). The camera comes to rest on Marissa, acting (badly) like she is asleep in the shirtless arms of her hot, poor boyfriend, because Marissa is always, ALWAYS getting up to no good with the wrong s/he. A series of pounding knocks on the trailer door finds Summer yelling for Marissa from the other side, and Marissa and her man awaken with a start, all full of pizza and CDs and hangover. Summer continues her relentless knocking, and Marissa hands Voldemort a bong and a bunch of bottles and tells him, "You've gotta hide."
Marissa pulls on a shirt and finally makes it to the front door, where a salty Summer is ready to inform her, "You look good, Coop! Very Kate Moss, pre-Vanity Fair cover." That means that Mischa Barton is meant to look either (a) addicted to cocaine or (b) getting made fun of with relentless zeal every single day on Defamer. One of those scenarios is likely, the other one even more so. They banter a moment about how Marissa seems a bit slow this morning, and Marissa guesses she might have a head cold.
Just at this moment, Marissa's cell phone begins to ring, which provides her an adequate excuse to get away from one potentially damaging conversation and directly into another one. "Hola, Marissa," the voice on the other end says, sending me scrambling for the upside-down exclamation point feature on my computer's key caps. It's Julie. She has a flower in her hair and fire in the belly. Just at that moment, Summer's cell phone rings as well, and she discovers her father on the other line. Prepare yourself for a comedy of errors, with the making of calls and the slamming of doors and numerous other instances of Neil Simon-esque hilarity! Fine. Don't prepare yourself. But don't say you weren't warned. Summer's dad tells her that they're back from their trip, and asks if she'll have dinner with him and Julie tonight. Marissa responds, "Fine," indicating she has just been asked the very same question by her mother. Both calls are terminated at the same time, and Summer informs Marissa, "My dad," to Marissa telling her, "My mom." Summer offers to drive Marissa to school and talk all about it, and Marissa retires to another room of the trailer (I don't know trailer architecture, so let's call that room "the conservatory") to find Voldemort taking a hit off the bong. She tells him as emphatically as her limited acting ability will allow (I know I've never been that clear on this before, but I just don't think it's her strongest suit, is all) that he has to go, but Voldemort leans in for a kiss and blows some serious smoke down Marissa's throat. She coughs it up because true love like this is pretty.
Cohen Manse by day. Ryan is practically clicking his heels together and singing "Surrey With The Fringe On Top" as he makes his way into the kitchen. There he discovers Seth, who tells him, "You're in a chipper mood this morning." Ryan recaps that he had a really good time last night and that he wants to spend more time at the Bait Shop, where Sadie has been trying to get Ryan "on the dance floor." Seth can manages the word "no," following it up, "Tense, tightly-wound, shut-in. That's all I want out of you." I agree. And you can see Scent Of A Woman as many times as you damn well please, and it will never make it true that falling in love automatically fills one with the desire to dance. Try again. Sandy enters the room, notes Ryan's unremittingly ghoulish smile, and also feels compelled to note Ryan's good mood. And that smile. You've got to see it. If someone slapped him on the back, I fear it would stay that way forever. Until then, it will sit on my from TiVo screen, gently terrifying the neighbor's cat, who can see it through the wall. Sandy seems a bit preoccupied, and when Seth asks him what's up, he volunteers that it's "just work." And, as you shall soon see, nothing so much as a lick more exciting than that. Ryan then takes his leave for Sadie's for a pre-school quickie, and is bid good morning by an entering Kirsten, who exclaims, "Hey, handsome men!" Sandy looks around borscht-belt-ily and asks in unison with Seth, "Where?" Seth moans that he made the same joke as his father, which can't be a good sign. Sandy reminds his son that he is, in fact, "hilarious," but that it's just harder to tell these days. Because the scripts are so terrible, you mean? Kirsten plot-develops that it's a good thing she has a date with Sandy tonight, but he begs off because work is so stressful. She asks if something is wrong, and he kisses her on the cheek and tells her, "It'll all be fine." Then why is the music suddenly so foreboding? I feel like maybe he's wrong. Sandy takes his leave of the room, and Seth tells a forlorn Kirsten, "Look, I'll be your date. We haven't gotten a chance to hang out in a while." Kirsten expresses surprise that her son remembers who she is, and Seth shoots back, "Hey, lay off the guilt. I said I'm in. I just get to pick the movie." See Basic Instinct 2, you guys. Somebody has to.
I have a list of people I don't need to see engaged in the activity of deep tongue kissing. It's a really long list. Ryan and Sadie are on it. And yet, there they are, in what I guess is her kitchen, pawing away. You guys, stop it. Leave that activity to whom god most intended it: hot men. Ryan and Sadie plan a rendezvous that night at the pool house. Maybe we won't be invited.
Meanwhile, over at The School That's More Fun Than Camp, Summer plays videogames and asks Seth, "You didn't mention a word to Ryan?" Seth worries about Ryan's good mood being spoiled if he finds out what's been going on between Marissa and Voldemort, and Seth asks if Summer thinks it's possible to keep Marissa quiet. Summer responds that Marissa can barely put her words together at all these days, and Seth takes over the videogame console with a hearty reply of "She's usually such a wordsmith." Heh. Summer wants to know what Marissa sees in such a dirty and greasy cretin, and Seth informs her, "He's got good abs. Women like abs." Good one, Cohen. Now go ahead and say some self-deprecating thing about your own lack of physical prowess on account of your character's being a supposed dork, even though all pretense of you being anything OTHER than hot has been dropped now that you've become the emo wet dream of a million squeeing fangirl tweens. "Got a six-pack myself. I know." Theeeeeere it is.
Newport Group. That's where I'm a pirate! Really, it makes me so drowsy in there. Sandy closes the door to his office and tells Matt, "I want to get right to it. I talked to Griffin." This is totally the cheesy dialogue and the chintzy set of some porno totally called, like, Business As Usual 11. "Hey, you haven't been working very hard." "Well I guess that means you'll have to work me harder." "Well, we've got a new client. And the new account is called...sex." [Cue music.] What really happens, far less interestingly, is that Matt asks if he's being fired and Sandy answers in the affirmative: "It's for the good of the hospital." Matt wants to know "what kind of garbage excuse" that is, and Sandy levels with him that it's "the truthful kind." It's the truthful kind of garbage excuse? What is going on here? Matt sits (well, now stands) in judgment that every time Sandy does something that makes him feel bad, he hides behind the hospital, and Sandy lays down the ultimatum: "It's either you or the hospital. Griffin will not move forward unless you are gone." Matt complains that he's being made the fall guy, reminding Sandy that Griffin "has been taking kickbacks from vendors for years." Sandy warns him against making bold accusations, which Matt says he can back up. He also promises to share these accusations with "anyone who will listen." No one will listen. Sandy thanks Matt for being such a prick, basically: "Thanks for the heads-up. Now I know I'm doing the right thing." Things on the Sex Account are already getting a little heated. Maybe I didn't know what was going on in that scene because I never saw all of Business As Usual 10.
Summer and Marissa sit on a couch, arms resolutely folded, while Summer's dad cracks open a bottle of champagne. Julie says that a little champagne won't hurt anybody, and Summer's dad asks, "How often do we get engaged? Don't answer that." Isn't it cute when old people make jokes? Now let's all settle in with a nice glass of Postum and get ready for bed. Summer stands up and expresses joy at this engagement, which seems to surprise Julie. But Summer says that if it makes her father happy, it makes her happy, too. Neil attempts to engage Marissa in the levity as well, asking her if she would like some champagne. She utters a simple "Sure," but answers her ringing cell phone just as her mother begins to hand her a glass. She speaks in monosyllables and hangs up, taking the glass from her mother's hand and downing all its contents in one giant gulp. Everyone is shocked and scandalized because no one ever knew until this exact moment that Marissa'd ever had a drinking problem. Marissa bolts from the room and Julie and Summer give chase, Marissa saying that her "friend" called and that she is needed. Julie tries to communicate to Marissa how important this night is to their family, and Marissa reassures her, "Don't worry, Mom. I'm not gonna screw up your golden ticket." Summer walks past Julie and out of the front door of the house, where she immediately sees Marissa getting practically coital with Voldemort right there in the driveway before hopping on his motorcycle and driving off together. Seems like if this relationship were really this much of a secret they might have done that, like, anywhere else. I guess the fact that Marissa puts on a helmet provides her some degree of incognito travel. Also, safety first.
In an SUV traveling through the empty Orange County night, Seth apologizes to his mother for the movie they just came from, but she tells him that it was worth it to spend some time with him. In complete silence. Why is it that people go on dates to the movies, again? He asks her if she wants a second date, and she accepts on the condition that she gets to pick the activity. Seth gets a cell-phone call and finds Summer on the other end, telling him, "We have a major problem. Marissa just bailed on our parents' engagement party to skank out with the surf Nazi." Seth is far more interested in the detail of Summer's dad's and Marissa's mom's engagement, but Summer brings it back to center, warning that Marissa is on a "slut spiral" that needs to be stopped. In its record seventeenth year? Least successful intervention ever. Summer says that talking to Ryan is the only way to escalate this situation, and Seth reluctantly offers, "I'll talk to him. But he's been in such a good mood." Really? First this episode has said anything about it.
Am I unromantic? Should I be burning candles? I never do. But here on TV, candles are all the sexy rage, and we find Ryan and Sadie inside the pool house, plinky love music plinking and the happy new couple...interrupted by a knock on the door. Ryan calls out that he's "a little busy, Seth," but Seth kills the mood further with his shouted response: "I don't want to have to tell you this through the door, but Marissa's been hooking up with [sounds like Voldemort]."
A quick cut later and the door of the pool house is being pulled open, Ryan on the other side looking...well, blue-ballsy. Sadie edges past him and lets herself out, Seth asking Ryan if he ruined the mood. Ryan nods and lets him know, "Just a lot." Which is just like "just a little," but instead hilariously different.
Back at school, Seth and Ryan are still friends, for some reason. Ryan says that he thought he'd solved all of his problems as soon as he put those locks on the door, but Seth says that when he wants to run his mouth off annoyingly, he doesn't care whose quality of life he compromises in his quest to say every word he's ever learned in endless different combinations. I'm paraphrasing. Seth asks how Ryan intends to fix the lady problems Seth single-handedly created, and Ryan offers, "Reschedule with Sadie and go back to her place." But Seth was actually talking about Marissa, which makes Ryan ask, "What do mean, 'what am I gonna do'?" He explains that it's not his problem because Marissa is not his girlfriend, and then he smiles again. And that smile I don't judge, because THAT right there really is something to be happy about.
Kirsten and Julie are...maids? Hired to clean Marissa's trailer? Anyway, y'all would know why they're there, even if I don't. And they are, generally tidying up around the place, while Kirsten expresses surprise that Julie would be getting married again. Julie says that she really feels like this is it for her, and Kirsten admits that Julie seems happier than she's seen her in a long time. "Neil has mellowed me," Julie replies. Who's Neil? Oh, right. Julie continues, "No more manipulative bitch, no more scheming, no more double-crossing. Which will be disappointing to some." Was she talking about another character, or was she directly referring to this show's six remaining viewers? Because I feel shortchanged, and I don't even watch this show anymore. Julie adds, "Not for Doctor Roberts." WHO? Oh, right. Julie says that they found each other just at the right moment, and that there's no agenda. Kirsten reminds Julie, "He does have a palatial estate," and Julie promises, "If he wanted to live together in this trailer, I'd do it." Pause. "Not that I'm offering."
School again, where Ryan finds Marissa poorly acting like she can take a book out of a large satchel and place it in her locker. He walks over and says hi, offering that he missed her in class. She tells him that there was "traffic," and he reminds her of a test they had. She seems sad about it. So sad that she lets some plot development drop out of her bag and fall right to the floor. Dude, is that a metal flask? Is she getting drunk during Prohibition? That's just silly.
I don't know who this guy is, so I ask my roommate if it's the aforementioned "Griffin," to which I receive the appropriate response: "Don't know. He sure is shady, though." Back at the Newport Group's establishing shot, Griffin is in the middle of telling Sandy that Matt's accusations are "totally and completely untrue," and that if Matt ever tried to print that, Griffin would sue him for libel. Griffin reminds Sandy that the Newport Group would be "belly up" without him, so he might reconsider what he's saying here. Suddenly his name is Henry. Damn.
Installed in her new manse, Julie bids farewell to a number of maintenance-oriented individuals. She shuts the door to her new home and, believing that she's by herself, does a small victory dance at having scammed another rich bachelor. Either that or she really is in love -- which, as we've learned from this selfsame show, makes you suddenly become one of the kids from Fame. But Julie's not alone at all, and she turns around to find an angry-looking maid standing on the steps, holding a mop. Julie speaks a few sentences in Spanish, but the woman holds her unsmiley ground, barking at Julie, "I'm from the Philippines." Which, I have been informed by a reliable source, means the language she speaks bears numerous resemblances to Spanish. Not that I think Filipino people are the same as Spanish people. I promise I'm liberated. I told you I sawCrash.
End. END! Oh, god. It's so not even close. We're back at school, where we find Marissa all effed up, lying on the hood of her car. She's the most trollop-y hood ornament since the short-lived Dodge Whorescalade '77. Summer takes all my material, sauntering over and observing, "Wow, Coop. You make a really good hood ornament." Marissa rasps, "Funny." Thanks, Marissa! Someone had to think so eventually. Marissa takes another swig from the flask I'm guessing she keeps in a holster in her garter belt, and Summer asks her if she's getting drunk. "More like staying drunk," Marissa volleys. But not a good volley. Not like a volleyball volley. This is all a lot more like tether ball. Summer says she feels like she has to deal with this now that they're sisters, which leads Marissa to surmise, "Which means you're not my mom." Summer cuts right to it, telling her, "I know about [sounds like Voldemort]." Marissa knew that. She saw Summer know about it. With the house? And the motorcycle? And the...hate? Summer tells her that she saw them together at the Bait Shop and that she knows he was at the trailer park. Which -- DUMBEST LINE OF THE EPISODE ALERT -- inspires Marissa to snark, "Wow. Well, aren't you a regular Veronica Mars! Way to solve this week's mystery." What a pointless pop-cultural reference, unless you're quickly trying to align yourself with an actual critically-acclaimed show that still has buzz and which people actually, y'know, watch. Because other than that, I see no reason for this spin of the "Random UPN Show Generator" to have suddenly kicked into life. I wonder if I can do it, too. Hey, you guys? Moesha! Hey, that was totally lazy and easy!
Sandy. Files. Papers. Newport Group. As he prepares to leave for the night, he hears noises coming from an office, and enters to find Matt taking papers that, as he says, rightfully belong to him. Matt says that if Sandy is really so confident that there's no case against him, he won't mind if Matt walks out with the contents of the box. He brushes past Sandy with the bon mot "Game on," which I haven't heard used in regular conversation since, like, Wayne's World. And you know what else? Everybody Hates Chris.
Sadie and Ryan flirt over chili fries at the diner. Sadie starts to tell Ryan that she has some good news, but they are soon to be interrupted by the sounds of marauding goons, a group of five punks who sit in a corner booth talking about Voldemort's new girlfriend Marissa. I object to how terribly clunky this scene is, with the possible exception of the moment one of the guys observes that Marissa is "lame." Sadie gets up and marches out, telling Ryan outside that, though she's not mad, she feels like the mood has been ruined by Marissa again. She thinks they're trying too hard, and that they just need to let the perfect night "happen." He offers to drive her home, but asks for a second. He takes this second to return inside, where he approaches the table and is taunted by Head Punk, "Hey, it's the little bitch." Ryan says that he's looking for Voldemort and that he wants to meet him at the pier tomorrow morning. One of the goons answers, "Yeah, bro, we'll tell him," but his line of vision to Ryan is so off that he stares literally right into the camera, makes eye contact with me from the television, and turns my hair white instantly. So I guess we have a beach rumble at dawn. If we're lucky, they'll forget to bring the cameras.
Here is a quick list of other shows that are better than this one: all other shows.
Voldemort walks up to the pier and finds Ryan. Why does he seem to sober and clearheaded all of a sudden? Ryan says that he just wants to talk, and Voldemort replies, "About what? Your new girlfriend or mine? 'Cause you know I got stories about both of 'em." Ryan says that Marissa can choose whomever she wants to be with, but that he is more concerned about her well-being: "I saw her at school. She didn't look so good." Ryan reminds Voldemort that Marissa has a bit of a drinking problem, and Voldemort defends his position on casual drinking: "She drinks. She gets drunk. I don't see the problem." What a fun, easy-reader approach to alcoholism! I can only imagine what his approach to finding out that someone is on a "see food" diet would be.
Pretty, pretty house of Dr. Roberts. Summer and Marissa walk out of two different doors of the same house, each puts on her sunglasses, and they sit down at a table in front of the pool. Set music cue on "comedy!" Summer pours her own beverage. Marissa grabs the toast, as if she's going to a damn thing with it. Summer commandeers the jam. Julie and Neil appear at the table, celebrating their first breakfast together, and Julie recommends that they have a weekly dinner together as well. Summer and Marissa each storm away from the table -- comically -- and Julie tilts her head and smiles, "Sisters." Julie Cooper: an oasis of funny in a desert of this.
Ryan enters Sadie's place and meets a guy named "Bob." Ryan fake-grins, "Hi, Bob." Bob walks out the back door, and Ryan says, "One bad date and I'm already replaced, huh?" Apparently, Bob bought the house. That was Sadie's news from last night, which she would have told him "if [he] would have listened." Even though she was the one who stormed out of the...never mind. Tick tock, end in sight. She asks him what's up, and he tells her that he squared away everything that needed to be squared regarding Voldemort and Marissa. He celebrates the fact that he's "done." She's glad, but tells him, "I'm done, too." He asks what she means, and she levels with him: business is handled, the house is sold, and she's blowing town. She never intended to stay this long, and she thinks it's time for her to take off. She can't really see a future between Ryan and herself. What does he want her to do? "Wait for you to finish high school? Follow you to college?" He tells her he thinks she's getting a little ahead of herself, scaling things back, "I was hoping to take you to dinner. You eat, right?" Followed by a silent though somehow deafening, "UNLIKE MY LAST GODDAMNED GIRLFRIEND, RIGHT?" She tells him she can't change her life to be with someone who is "distracted." Love, Inc.
Back on the pier, Ryan has apparently just finished updating Seth on the last scene, and Seth is suddenly saddened that there will be no more dancing, smiling, or skipping. Ryan bemoans the fact that he can't just ask Sadie to move here and change her life, but Seth reminds him that, after years of torture at the hands of other girls (all named Marissa), Ryan finally has the chance to make it work with someone who is relatively issue (not to mention disease)-free. Ryan gets it: "I've gotta ask her to stay." Ryan smiles again. Shudder.
Sandy. Griffin. Lunch. Griffin promises to "handle it from here," which Sandy thinks sounds "ominous." America's Top...sorry. I'll stop.
Summer walks in to Marissa's boudoir to find her wearing jeans and asks, "You're wearing that to a family dinner? Marissa asks how Summer knows she's even going to the dinner, and Summer says that Marissa can be mad at her all she wants, but that this is her family now. Summer sure is swallowing this without a problem, eh? Marissa not so much, answering all of the critics who might say this show is lazily written with the singular comeback "Whatever." That took a whole room full of people. All right. In fairness, she does add, "Save me some dessert." Which might work as a comedic line of dialogue on more levels than even they understand.
"The slut is still spiraling. I thought I told you to talk to Ryan." Summer barks this into her cell phone to an unsuspecting Seth, who responds, "I did. I tried to activate his savior complex, but it seems he's been cured." He sees Kirsten in the room, and tells Summer he has to go because he's hanging with his mom. I'm totally going to start using that to terminate phone calls that stretch on too long. Seth ends the call and asks Kirsten where they're going, but she will only offer, "Something new." Make it quick. I'm totally missing The Office.
Family dinner, minus Marissa. Dr. Roberts says they should give her a few more minutes, but Julie suggests that they just get started. Summer agrees vehemently, reminding them that they were going to discuss current events, offering, "I think we live in a fascinating time." Julie grants that this is "riveting." Well, Julie, it's as close to a worldview as anyone on this show has ever expressed, so I give Summer credit for at least trying. Julie tries to tell Neil about her relationship with her daughter, but she only gets through "Marissa and I haven't always had the greatest..." before Summer cuts her off and offers, "...luck. But you've always stood by each other through hard times. Isn't that great, Dad?" Awwww, Summer. Her heart grew three sizes that day.
Night. Marissa and Voldemort sit on the beach, Marissa sad about her fight with Summer. She tells him that the only other time they've ever fought was in fifth grade, and he asks one pointless question that allows her to ask why he's asking so many questions. He tells her that she deserves to be treated right, which is just what Ryan told him! Except that she doesn't like to be treated right. And, truth be told, probably doesn't so much deserve it, either. So he offers her some cocaine, which she turns down. For the one minute.
Do I smell coffee and mistakes? Then I must be at an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting! It takes Seth a little longer to figure out what he and Kirsten are doing in a rec center basement, but is soon to understand when a woman stands up in front of the crowd and offers, "I'm Ellen, and I'm an alcoholic." Seth shoots daggers and walks...well, not out of the room, but apparently to a soundproof corner of it. Kirsten tells him she was afraid that, had he known where they were going, he wouldn't have come. She tells him that this place has saved her family, her marriage, and maybe even her life, and that these people know more about her than her own family members do. He asks her whose fault that would be, seeing as she never talks about her drinking past. To which she shoots back, "It's not like you ever ask." Tense standoff. She tells him that this is what they're doing and that he can wait in the car or stay by her side. He does not look good in this light. I think that room made him older than me.
Matt arrives home, checks his message to find a message from someone at The Register who wants to "talk," as well as a message from Sandy, who...fight! FIIIIIIIIIGHT! Matt opens his door, and some goons mess up his place but good.
Ryan shows up at Sadie's with a bouquet of flowers from, like, the Albertson's down the block. That Bob guy, I think, opens the door, and Ryan asks if Sadie is home. When he discovers that she is not, he asks if he can come in and wait a while. That Bob guy tells Ryan it might be awhile, since he just missed her leaving for Oregon. "Sorry," he says, and closes the door in Ryan's face. Ryan throws the flowers down on the porch and looks at them for a minute before stomping off.
The O.C. by night, where, end...END!!! Oh, god. Marissa walks down the beach with her hands in her pockets. Sad. So very, very sad. So pensive. So on her way back home to look up "pensive," because she thinks it's what you write with. She finds Ryan back on the pier because he's like The Phantom Of The Ocean in this episode. Look away from his face, his face, his hideous face. Especially when he smiles. Shuuuuuudder. He asks what she's doing there and she asks what he's doing there and WHAT AM I STILL DOING HERE, until he offers to go and she offers to go and the tango of their diseased love dances into the ocean and drowns. Ryan recaps (which, leave it to the professionals, buddy) that Sadie has gone back to Oregon without saying goodbye, and Marissa stands to leave -- telling Ryan, I think, to "enjoy" the pier. He mumbles in response, "I'll leave it as I found it."
I'm not here to make fun of AA, because it's a valuable organization that has helped millions of people, but...well, the writers kind of are. We're back at Kirsten's meeting, where an old man in a salty sea hat of some kind informs the room, "I've pissed in the streets, eaten out of garbage, and accidentally shot my wife. Not once. But twice." Shot her once or shot two wives? Either way, we clearly missed the beginning of the scene when he stood up in front of the room and introduced himself, "My name is Robert Blake, and I am an alcoholic. And I look terrible." Hi, Robert Blake! It's time for the end of the meeting, and the leader of the group tells the room that there are some chips to hand out. She beckons Kirsten to the front of the room because this show is about her family and so it would be weird if she called anyone else up there, and Kirsten walks up to raucous applause and is congratulated on being nine months sober. Kirsten thanks the room and points out her son, Seth, who is there with her tonight. Everyone says hi to him because recovery groups on television are depicted as doing everything in ghoulish unison, and Kirsten adds, "He doesn't know this, but he's the reason I got sober." Seth believed that she could do this, and he was right. She sits down to further applause and Seth, having been given the proper amount of teen angst attention, finds it in his heart to forgive his mother for thanking him for being the reason he's still alive. Truly, he is an inspiration to us all. Blah blah blah, and here's the joke about O.C.A., where the writers figure out how they're going to get up to Step 9 and apologize for all of the ways in which this show has hurt us. I'll make a list for them later. Or you can just read the ten pages.
"Never expected to see you here," Sadie says to an unseen character. She's at the bus station, and we are soon to discover that she's talking to...Marissa! Bet you weren't expecting that. Marissa observes, "Apparently, there's [sic] a lot of ways to leave Newport: bus, plane, boat." Sadie caps it off, "Greyhound." Which...is a...bus? Right, or...hate? Maybe it's a little Greyhound commercial. Go Greyhound, and leave the product placement to us. Marissa says that she's come because she doesn't want Sadie to leave. Ryan really cares about her. But it's too late, because Sadie's bus is being called at that exact moment. Amazing! Sadie wants to know why Marissa is doing this, and Marissa says that it's because Sadie makes Ryan happy.
You know who isn't happy? Julie. Until Dr. Neil Summer's Dad Roberts is to her, glass of wine for her at the ready. Every once in a while, like mother, like daughter. He sits down on the couch to her, and Julie tells her fiancé how amazing dinner was. He opines (what? He does) that Marissa will be sad to have missed it, and Julie tells him that they have "years of family dinners" ahead of them. Most of which will happen off-camera, long after this show has fallen into the ether. Anyway, Neil tells Julie at this moment that their relationship is a "trial," one in which they shouldn't get married if they discover that their families aren't a good fit. Summer has run downstairs at this moment and overhears the salient parts of this conversation, Three's Company-style. Except if that's really how she heard it, she actually would have misinterpreted the whole thing as "We shouldn't get married if you don't like nail files." I never said that was a very good show. Neil reminds Julie that she has a trail of broken marriages behind her, and that he just wants to make sure. He kisses her and takes off, Summer waltzing in right behind him. She tells Julie not to worry about what she just heard and that her dad always gets like this when he gets close to someone. But Julie turns the topic quickly to the A-story at hand, narrowing her eyes and informing Summer, "The only thing I'm worried about is my daughter." Summer agrees.
And, back at the Bait Shop, Marissa walks up to the bar and tries to order a drink. The bartender asks for ID, and when she tries to tell him that she drinks there all the time, the bartender says that he can't bend the rules without Voldemort there to vouch for her. She asks if he'll make one exception and he politely refuses, even when she insists that she's "having a bad night." Which elicits from a bartender a reaction of "You and me both." Eh? Was that line part of this episode's forgotten, like, H-story that got hacked to bits in the edit? Because they missed a straggler. Though I think I smell spin-off.
Sandy. Matt. Wreckage. Bleeding. The rest of this recap will be told entirely in haiku.
Ryan walks back into the pool house and finds Sadie waiting for him on his bed. He asks what she's doing there, and Chinese riddles, "You tell me." He hems and haws and eats up a delicious number of recapping seconds, and she picks up her bag with a sighed, "There's another bus in an hour." And then porno music kicks up and I am confronted with their anti-god penis-vagina love once more. There oughtta be a law.
Back on the beach, Marissa finds Voldemort with his friends on the beach. Where he hands her some coke. Which she snorts. Unconvincingly.