Seth gets ready for his Brown interview by freaking himself out about it and how hard it will be to leave Newport. He relieves the tension by smoking some weed he gets from Super Bad-ass Kaitlin, who's dating up a storm with Johnny to get some attention from her sister. She's apparently given up getting attention from her mother, who totally forgets about her fifteenth birthday and then tries to make up for the inexcusable gaffe by throwing her a big ol' bash at the Roberts mansion, offered up by Dr. Neil as part of his continuing effort to snag himself a third wife. Ryan drags Seth's stoned ass to his interview, only to leave without making sure that Seth actually goes into the interview room. This makes it very easy for Seth to chicken out of the interview and then lie to everyone that he went through with it. Then he smokes more weed. The party ends in manufactured drama when Kaitlin and Johnny sort of make out and Marissa is sort of mad about it and Julie and Dr. Neil sort of decide to stop dating. Also, Sandy continues to suck at being a businessman as he alternates between wooing his client with churros and strippers.
Sandy runs into the kitchen, wondering where his "lucky tie" is. Kirsten produces it, saying that she just had it dry-cleaned. And then proceeded to fling it around a dirty kitchen counter. Nice one, Domestic Goddess. Sandy's got a big day at the office coming up: he's giving a proposal for a new hospital project, and he really wants the NewNewport Group to get the contract. Seth wanders in, looking gloomy. It does not go unnoticed, and he tells the group that he has been scheduled for an interview with Brown on Sunday. Now, when I applied to colleges about fifty years ago, I just scheduled an interview along with submitting my application. These days, however, it appears that colleges decide whose applications they like and then call those kids in for interviews. So it's a big deal and a good sign for Seth's Brown chances. Ryan volunteers to help Seth prepare, while the rest of his family members leave to do the more important things in their lives. Ryan asks Seth again if he's all right, and Seth says he's been waiting to leave Newport his whole life, and now that his dream is actually becoming real, his head is spinning. So much so that he pours coffee into his Mini-Wheats, a sure sign of distraction. "Newport, I hardly knew you," Seth says. "Go away," Newport replies. Newport is mean.
At school, Summer finds Seth in the hall. She's thrilled that she, too, has been called in for an interview. She's not feeling any of the anxiety that Seth is, since her "boot camp" instructor inspired her to take control of the changes in her life. When did Summer go to boot camp? Did she join the ROTC while we were all forced to watch Johnny and Marissa?
Sandy bores us to tears with his hospital proposal. Even the members of the hospital association he's pitching to seem bored as they rudely check their watches and consume bagels. Honestly, I'd almost rather have the screen monopolized by Marissa if this is all there is to see of the other characters. The head of the association is played by the same guy who played the Holo-Doctor on Star Trek: Voyager, which I don't know since I've never watched that show and am certainly not a Star Trek geek. I'm really, really cool, guys. Holodoc gets up to leave, complimenting Sandy and Matt on their presentation and letting his regret over Caleb's absence be known. Caleb died, like, LAST YEAR, dude. Get over it. Or go to the holodeck and make another one and talk to him. The association members leave to go to their meeting, a hospital pitch from NewNewport Group's rival firm. Matt informs Sandy that the rival group has been wooing the hospital association with gifts and dinners for months; Matt thinks that that will give their rivals the edge. Sandy says he told himself he wouldn't be a businessman who bribes clients. "And I respect that," says Matt, who totally doesn't.
Marissa is working on a photo collage for Kaitlin's upcoming birthday in the middle of Harbor's lounge, because why not spend your free period doing fun high-school stuff when you can do arts and crafts! They're making Dreamcatchers in the corner. Summer assists her "friend" and inquires as to why Kaitlin has a bald pony in one of the photos. The writers are so obsessed with you knowing that Kaitlin once had a bald horse that they're now giving Summer amnesia to write it in. If Marissa and Summer have been Best Friends Forever, wouldn't Summer have known about the condition of Marissa's sister's pony? I knew when my best friend's brother's hamster got a malignant tumor, and hamsters are much smaller than ponies. Ryan sits down, and Summer expresses some resentment over how lavish Kaitlin's past birthday parties have been. Marissa says that Summer is "jealous," which doesn't really make any sense since, the last time I checked, Summer wasn't Kaitlin's sister and therefore has no reason to be jealous. Also, Summer lives in a huge mansion while Kaitlin, Marissa, and Julie live in a double-wide and Jimmy is off on a boat being a pussy. Summer kind of won the Family Lottery there, in the end. Summer leaves to get some coffee, which allows Marissa to look at a picture of her and baby Kaitlin and wonder aloud how her innocent little sister could grow up to steal money from fraternities and lie about abortions. "It's like I don't even know her anymore," laments Marissa, who, incidentally, has ODed on drugs and had a drinking problem and shot someone and deliberately chose not to spend time with her sister. Shut up, Marissa. "Families can be like that," Ryan says, thinking about how, when it comes to siblings with problems, he's pretty much cornered the market, so maybe Marissa should find someone else to whine to.
Meanwhile, Johnny and Kaitlin walk along the pier and talk about all the amazing birthday celebrations Kaitlin's had in the past. Even so, Kaitlin's favorite birthday tradition is staying up late and watching The Sound Of Music with her family and pretending they were eating cake but really clandestinely spitting it out into their napkins. And now, Kaitlin's stuck wearing a really ugly wide-mouthed turtleneck sweater from 1985 and sporting Avril Lavigne's hairstyle from 2002. All Kaitlin wants out of her latest birthday is Julie Andrews and some cake, which, judging by her mother's current financial status, may be a lofty goal. Blockbuster doesn't rent for free, after all. Johnny awkwardly asks Kaitlin if she's planning on telling Marissa that she's been "hanging out" with him. Kaitlin says she isn't, and hopes Johnny isn't either. And she doesn't understand why Johnny didn't strip down and join her during last week's skinny dip. "I guess I'm old-fashioned," Johnny responds. And not willing to commit statutory rape. Especially with someone so pathetically desperate.
Elsewhere on the pier, Dr. Neil meets Julie for lunch. He's late, due to a surgical emergency, but is happy finally to spend time with Julie, after her canceling on him the last two dates because she didn't feel comfortable dating her daughter's best friend's dad. Then it's time for her to go, and Dr. Neil graciously offers to pay for the meal that they didn't actually have before inviting her to dinner on Sunday at a "terrible burger joint." Julie accepts his invitation for reasons I cannot begin to understand.
Sandy visits Seth in his bedroom, where Seth is holding his trusty Captain Oats and trying not to freak out about college. Sandy sympathizes, saying that he had the same feelings when he left New York for California. Then his phone rings with the same stupid ring tone that everyone on this show has and he's off to take care of business instead of his son.
Marissa and Julie return to the trailer with dinner. The cameraman was apparently very excited about this, as he then proceeds to tilt the camera strangely and for no reason for the rest of the scene. Marissa notices a copy of The Sound Of Music in her sister's bag as Kaitlin walks in. Julie announces that she won't be around for dinner on Sunday due to a "business meeting," and both daughters are appalled that Julie has forgotten all about Kaitlin's birthday. I'm appalled that Julie would think anyone would believe she was having a business meeting on a Sunday night. Come on, now, Julie. Marissa even gently tries to remind Julie about why Sunday night is not a good time, but Julie STILL has no clue. Worst Mother Ever! Even though Kaitlin's really stupid, she still realizes that her mother doesn't give a shit about her (apparently being ignored for the last three years wasn't enough of a hint), and takes the whole thing rather personally. She storms out of the trailer and probably into the waiting arms of Gus.
Kirsten senses that Sandy is disappointed, probably because he's walking around the house with his head pointed at the floor. He tells her that the hospital association called and said they were going to do with the other group. Kirsten says they need to try a "new approach" and win the association back, even though it sounds like their decision was already made. "Show them who you are," Kirsten says. Because what are business meetings, really, other than a chance to make friends? I can't believe Kirsten lasted so long in the business world. She's a worse businesswoman than she is a recovering alcoholic.
Seth and Kaitlin run into each other on the pier. Seth is surprised and a little scandalized to see her smoking a joint. Ooooh, what a bad-ass Kaitlin is with her brazen public consumption of illegal drugs! Such flouting of the law! "Nobody here's gonna bust me," Kaitlin assures him. Apparently, she knows everyone on the pier, and the likelihood of their going to the police or being undercover police officers themselves. She does a lot of research before she lights up. She offers Seth a puff, telling him it will "take the edge off," in a line straight out of the D.A.R.E. peer-pressure handbook. Seth Just Says No, saying that he was hoping to save his drug experimentation for college. Kaitlin tells him that she's smoking because her mother forgot her birthday, and Seth is genuinely sympathetic. Kaitlin says it's not her mother she's mad at, but her sister. Kaitlin's birthday was the one day where people noticed her instead of Marissa, and now that's apparently gone, too. Kaitlin should go join her local chapter of POBMC (People Overshadowed By Marissa Cooper), where she's sure to find the support she needs. Current members include this show's entire cast. Speak of the attention-whore, Marissa runs up. Kaitlin quickly extinguishes her joint and begs Seth not to say anything. He obliges her, and Marissa escorts Kaitlin back to the trailer. Kaitlin turns back and tells Seth that her offer "stands." Marissa is totally oblivious to the rather obvious fact that something shady is going on between Seth and Kaitlin, not to mention the pungent order of pot smoke.
The morning, Kaitlin's phone rings and interrupts Marissa's attempt to learn how to read. Marissa privacy-invades by answering the phone and is surprised to hear Johnny on the other end. He's surprised to hear Marissa, too, and lamely lies that he was only calling Kaitlin because Marissa's phone wasn't working. He needs to talk to Marissa about absolutely nothing, apparently, as he immediately says he has to go and hangs up. Kaitlin wanders in and is annoyed that Marissa would assume someone would only call Kaitlin to reach Marissa. Marissa doesn't understand the problem, pointing out that the call was, in the end, for her. Except that it wasn't. Kaitlin hates that her sister thinks the world revolves around her, which makes Kaitlin slightly more likable to me. But she does get points off for having perfect eye makeup on immediately after getting out of the shower. Marissa invites Kaitlin out to the Bait Shop tonight, but Kaitlin claims to have other plans. As soon as Marissa leaves the room for her turn in the shower (I'm going to hope that Kaitlin pulled the old bitchy sibling trick and made sure to use up all the hot water and leave her sister with none, something my brother and I took turns doing to each other many a school morning), Kaitlin calls Johnny back so that they can figure out their plans for the night. Guess what? She wants to go to the Bait Shop.
Julie comes to Dr. Neil's house instead of calling to ask if they can reschedule their dinner, because nothing gets a relationship started off on the right foot like uninvited and unannounced home visits. Dr. Neil is so desperate for some Julie action that he offers to host Kaitlin's birthday party at his own mansion, and he won't take no for an answer.
Ryan quizzes the Brown interviewees. Summer declares that Prada has been the greatest influence on her intellectual development, which Seth objects to, saying that a name like Einstein might be a better choice. Summer says she just wants to be herself in her interview, which is a fine plan unless you're going to say that shoes have anything to do with intellectual development. I mean, shoes are great and all, but unless you're using them to walk to the library, I don't understand how they have anything to do with intellectual development. ["There's probably an argument to be made about Prada's relationship to things like form and design, not that Summer is smart enough to make that connection, despite the writers' attempts to make us think she's been a secret genius the whole time she was acting like a bimbo." -- Wing Chun] Summer leaves, figuring that she doesn't need to rehearse something that she plans on winging in the first place. Ryan continues feeding Seth the interview questions, and Seth continues having a lot of trouble answering them. You'd think he could have been able to assemble some sort of answer after spitting out every single word in the entire English language, but no. I attempt to wade through Seth's babbling to get the meat of his answer: basically, he really likes his life in Newport right now and doesn't know if he should leave such a great thing. Ryan gives him a soothing tap on the head.
Sandy drops by the office, where he meet fellow weekend warrior Matt. Matt approves of Sandy's plan to take the business dorks out, although not so much Sandy's choice of dinner establishment: a burrito stand. Sandy argues that they can give their clients a walking tour of the area they plan to build in, even though this is not how "the rest of the world does business." This is Sandy's way, which, incidentally, most closely resembles entering a highway through an exit ramp.
The Bait Shop has never looked lamer. Ryan and Marissa have soft drinks and discuss Kaitlin. And then who should appear but Kaitlin and Johnny, drawing near. Marissa arises with such a clatter, and springs from her chair to see what's the matter. The camera zooms in on each girl dramatically for about five minutes before Marissa confronts Kaitlin and Johnny and attempts to act outraged to find them hanging out together. It dawns on her that when Johnny called Kaitlin's phone, he was actually doing it to talk to Kaitlin and not Marissa. Kaitlin dismisses her sister by saying she knew Marissa would "freak out," and then asks Johnny to take her home. Johnny weakly apologizes to Marissa and follows his new Cooper out the door. Ryan strolls up and asks Marissa if she's "all right," because that is his function.
Back at the trailer, Kaitlin is thrilled to bits that she was able to make her sister all jealous. Johnny's not quite as pleased, and points out that their three-year age difference makes him uncomfortable about spending time with Kaitlin. Which it should. Find someone your own age, Knee-Jerk Non-Reaction. Preferably someone who isn't a cast member so that we never have to see you again. Kaitlin says that she'll be fifteen the day, but Johnny still says he wants to be just friends with her, even if it makes Marissa angry.
Johnny drives off, only to be replaced by Seth, who's been hiding in the bushes for the last few hours apparently waiting for Kaitlin to show up. How I wish we could have seen that, as I imagine he ran into all sorts of colorful folks there, just waiting to catch a glimpse of one of the three lovely young women who are always taking showers.
After the commercial, Seth's in his bedroom, hiding a bag of weed from his father, who enters to announce that Kirsten has made pancakes for Interview Day. Seth rejects the offer, saying he needs to keep studying for his interview. And stare at his three newly-acquired weed cigarettes. He then opens his window and lights up. It's always a smart plan to try drugs for the first time by yourself and right before an important event you'll need all your faculties for.
Marissa wishes Kaitlin a happy birthday in her strange choice of prairie-style dress top with short-shorts bottom and shark tooth necklace. Kaitlin doesn't care. Julie enters, fresh from a run, and makes sure to wish her forgotten daughter a happy birthday. She doesn't say which number birthday it is because she probably doesn't know. She informs the girls that tonight's festivities will include dinner and a party at the Roberts mansion. Kaitlin sulks that she doesn't want to do it, but Julie says it will be a great thing for them to do together as a family. "Only if I can invite a friend," Kaitlin says, completely misunderstanding the phrase "as a family." Marissa immediately and rather angrily shouts a "no!" to Kaitlin's proposal, but Julie says that Kaitlin should get whatever she wants for her birthday. And Marissa gets to have fun helping Julie set up for the party. Julie triumphantly leaves the room singing the lyrics to "I Am Sixteen (Going On Seventeen)." You know, in the movie, the guy who sang that song ended up being a Nazi. I'm just saying. ["Hey! It's still a great song." -- Wing Chun]
Kaitlin magically appears at the poolhouse to torment Ryan by pointing out that even though everyone calls him and Marissa the "perfect couple" (who calls them that? I certainly don't), those same people used to say that Marissa and Luke were the perfect couple, too. Now that she's ingratiated herself to Ryan, she asks if he thinks Marissa would have a problem with her inviting Johnny to her birthday party. Ryan sees right through her claims that she's just trying to make everyone happy, and says that Kaitlin seems to want to piss Marissa off. He tells her to talk to Marissa instead of trying to stir up trouble. Kaitlin ignores this advice in favor of talking about how great it was to see the expression on Marissa's face when she saw Kaitlin and Johnny at the club together. She hopes tonight will draw out more expressions. I'd be amazed if it drew out any expressions from Marissa "played by Mischa Barton" Cooper.
Kirsten apparently has nothing better to do on her Sundays than help Julie set up for Kaitlin's birthday party. At least she's found someone who appreciates some good homemade pancakes, though. Kirsten thinks Dr. Neil's invitation to use his home as Party Central is a good sign of his feelings for Julie, and Julie agrees to the point where she's picking out china patterns for their wedding. Kirsten leaves the room to do...something, and Julie starts checking out some of Dr. Neil's silver. Steal it! Steal it!
Sandy's hospital will be built in the same neighborhood that everything else on this shows occurs -- to the pier by the water. Since it's a downtrodden area, it must also apparently be ethnic, and Sandy and the Holodoc sample local delicacies from a churro vendor. The Holodoc is sick of walking and talking about free clinics, so Sandy tells Matt that they'll need to do this Matt's way, because Sandy's such a great businessman that he's just talked himself into how great this hospital will be for the community and now he'll do whatever it takes to be the one to build it.
Kaitlin swims in Dr. Neil's pool and thoroughly enjoys herself while Marissa is stuck on party-setting-up duty. They now have three people working full-time to set up for what is apparently going to be the biggest party in all of history. Dr. Neil walks outside so that Kaitlin can thank him for the kind gesture he made solely to get into her mother's pants. Johnny also comes outside, holding a cheesily-wrapped birthday present. I hope it's a copy of California's statutory rape laws!
A small smoke cloud wafts out of Seth's window. Ryan knocks on the bedroom door, and Seth puts out his joint and sprays the hell out of the place with air freshener before letting Ryan in. Despite being new to the stoner game, Seth has adopted the lingo and giggly chilled-outedness it entails. Ryan immediately notices something is off with Seth, especially after Seth offers his tricep up for Ryan to feel for no apparent reason. Plus, he smells the air freshener. Seth calls Ryan "Encyclopedia Brown," which is an awesome reference. Then he references The Great Brain, which is even more awesome, even if the fight to the death between the two that Seth wants is impossible given the hundred-year gap between the two fictional (well, in The Great Brain's case, mostly-fictional) characters. "Are you high?" Ryan asks. Seth giggles a denial, and Ryan finds two partially smoked joints in the glass ashtray Seth owns for no good reason. Busted!
Ryan makes an emergency call to Summer, who's headed into her interview. He asks her to stretch it out for as long as possible, although he doesn't tell her why. He gets off the phone and calls through a door to Seth to drink the coffee he made for him. "I am not stoned anymore," Seth tells him. "Then why are you in my shower?" Ryan asks. "Oh," Seth says, and opens the door to take the coffee. "How'd that happen?"
Seth and Ryan make their way down the hall toward the interview room. Ryan interrogates Seth on his drug use, and Seth insists that it's the first time he's done it, and that it's just because he's stressed about leaving. Ryan accepts this, and assures Seth that everything will be fine as long as he didn't buy the weed down at the pier, since half the sellers down there are apparently undercover officers. I think that, seeing as Seth has not been arrested, it's safe to say that he didn't buy anything from a police officer. But Seth is too wasted to figure that out, and tells Ryan that he bought his stuff from Kaitlin. Summer exits the interview after spending an hour and a half inside (apparently, the interviewers forgot to bring a clock), and tells Seth not to mess up this interview and their happy future together. Way to reassure him, there, Summer. Ryan and Summer stupidly leave Seth alone, and of course, he hovers outside the interview room before turning around and leaving. Whoops!
Tons of kids turn up for the party of a girl they don't even know or, at best, haven't seen in over two years. Kaitlin spends her time with Johnny, and Marissa stews. She's relieved when Summer and Ryan show up. Dr. Neil calls Summer over to ask her about her interview and pretend to be a parent while Ryan takes a seat to his girlfriend, who's busy watching Johnny and Kaitlin walk into the house, hand-in-hand. Marissa complains that she doesn't want to get to know her sister after all, to which Ryan says he's got something to tell her about her sister that she'll really wish she didn't know.
Kaitlin brings Johnny into Summer's bedroom. "What are we doing here?" Johnny asks, like, what did you think Kaitlin was trying to do when she grabbed your hand and led you into the house, up the stairs, walking a total of a mile or however big that huge-ass house is into a BEDROOM? Kaitlin cheeses that she's "looking for [her] presents," adding, "I'm not fourteen anymore." Oh, what a difference a day makes (in Kaitlin's mind)! Johnny's still not going for it, but Kaitlin works her psychological (or maybe just "psycho") magic on him, saying that the only way he wouldn't be interested in her is if he's still in love with Marissa. Or maybe Johnny's not interested in her because she's an immature little brat. She gets a "birthday kiss" from Johnny, which isn't much of anything but keeps her satisfied enough to return to the party.
In the Roberts foyer, Ryan is trying to deter Marissa from finding Kaitlin to tear her a new, pot-supplying asshole when Seth arrives, fresh from the Brown interview that he insists he totally just went to. Kaitlin and Johnny come downstairs and see everyone, and Kaitlin announces that Johnny just gave her a present.
Matt's idea of showing a client a good time is to take him back to his apartment, fill it with some of his stripper girlfriends, and get the client wasted. Because nothing says "professional" like a lame house party. Holodoc seems to be having a great time, however, and refuses to hear any more from Sandy about business, saying that he didn't see a huge difference between the two proposals, and now that Sandy's "taken care" of Holodoc, he'll take care of Sandy. The NewNewport Group will get its hospital, and Holodoc is sure Caleb would have been proud. Sandy drinks and thinks about his latest moral dilemma.
Marissa runs after Kaitlin and Johnny as they try to leave the party. She tells Johnny to scram so that she can have a private talk with her younger sister. Johnny obliges her because he's a wimp who can't say no to anyone. Marissa asks her sister why she's stealing and smoking pot, and Kaitlin turns it right back around on Marissa, saying that it's obvious she has feelings for Johnny no matter how often she insists that she's in love with Ryan. The easily-sidetracked Marissa denies this, and Kaitlin says that, in that case, Marissa shouldn't mind that Kaitlin just "made out" with Johnny in Summer's bedroom. It wasn't much of a "make-out," and if Kaitlin really wanted to lie, she just should have said they had sex. "You may not know me, but I do know you," Kaitlin adds.
Marissa then returns to the party, where Julie is waiting for Kaitlin so that they can cut the cake. Marissa tells Julie that she and Kaitlin got in a fight, and Kaitlin left. Julie gets her Seasons 1 and 2 bitch-mom back on and accuses Marissa of ruining Kaitlin's special day and not being sensitive to Kaitlin's feelings or to how important today was for their family. Yes, it was so important that Julie forgot all about it. Marissa says that a party won't fix their family, and Dr. Neil looks around and tries to think of an excuse to leave this room and its awkward family interactions. Marissa leaves instead. She tells Ryan she'd rather walk home by herself and get some fresh air.
Julie apologizes to Dr. Neil for throwing such a crappy party. He's cool with it, but he's been thinking that maybe now isn't the best time for them to be in a relationship after all. Then his beeper goes off, and he has to leave and take care of some pressing plastic-surgery issue. They decide to talk about things another time, but Julie claims to agree with what he said, although she certainly doesn't look very happy about it. He leaves her to cut and serve cake to a bunch of kids she doesn't even know.
Seth enters Summer's room. He starts to tell her that he didn't do the interview, then chickens out and lies that it went great. Summer invites him to look over the course catalogue for the college they're sure to be accepted to. She's helpfully ripped out pages containing all the "boring" courses she doesn't like. Which appear to be all of them. Someone please tell me how Summer's supposed to be smart again?
Kirsten finds Sandy in his home office. He tells her the good news about the hospital project, but doesn't admit that he got it by being the smarmy wining and dining Caleb-style businessman he's always hated. Kirsten says she's proud of him, kisses him on the forehead, and walks out. Sandy grabs the glass full of dark liquor he apparently had on his desk this whole time (in front of his alcoholic wife! Shame!) and takes a sip. It tastes like reality setting in.
This leads us into a montage of the different characters thinking about how much their lives suck. Ryan looks at a picture of him and Marissa when they were supposedly happy and he was supposedly the focus of this show. Marissa sits at the lifeguard shack and makes no discernible facial expression. Kaitlin sits outside the trailer and does the same thing. We do not get to see Gus. Damn! Julie locks up and leaves the Roberts mansion, all alone. Summer rips one of the few remaining pages out of her Brown catalogue. We see that Seth has stuffed another towel under his bedroom door as he lights up again. A cloud of smoke rises and floats out of his window, spelling out the words "UPCOMING DRUG PROBLEM" just before it dissipates.