We open in the darkness of Seth's bedroom, where he and Ryan sleep. And all you HoYay! people can just call yourselves right back down, because Ryan is on the floor. The floor. From the bed, Seth whispers Ryan's name and asks if he's asleep; when no answer comes, Seth flips on the light and flops over to peer at Ryan, who is squinting at the harsh glare. Seth again asks if he's asleep, and Ryan moans a lack of response. Seth then reaches out to pinch Ryan's nose, causing Ryan to flip himself over jerkily. Undeterred, Seth concludes, "Yeah. I can't sleep either." He rambles on about how although Summer hasn't technically dumped him yet, it's only a matter of time. He wonders whether he should force a confrontation or "continue to be whiny and passive-aggressive until she realizes what a catch I am." I think I'd go with the first choice, but that's just me. Seth says Ryan's name three times with increasing urgency, and asks again whether Ryan is asleep. Seth chooses a different tack: he announces that he'll let Ryan go back to sleep now, since as bad as things are for Seth, they're even worse for Ryan. This finally catches Ryan's attention, as Seth explains that he at least is sleeping in his own bed and not "sleeping here on my floor...not sleeping." Ryan points out that the only reason he can't sleep is because Seth won't shut up. Seth agrees, but adds that it's also because Theresa is in the pool house, to Marissa's dismay. When Ryan insists that Marissa is fine with it, Seth sarcastically agrees -- the same way Ryan would be fine with it if Oliver were sleeping on Marissa's couch. Except those are two entirely different things: battered girl with no place to go versus a penthouse-sheltered, gun-wielding psychopath. And who would want Oliver sleeping on their couch? to Oliver, Theresa is...well, Mother Teresa. Ryan says it's cool, and then asks what Seth expects him to do? Kick Theresa out of the house? Seth suggests that Ryan should be at least a little bit curious about when she's leaving. When Ryan again insists that he's not worried, Seth sends him back to "bed...or...the floor." Both boys roll over to sleep, and tinkly music plays as we see a wide-awake Ryan, lying under a very comfy-looking sage green blanket. That blanket makes me sleepy. Ryan suddenly sits up and announces that he should talk to Theresa, to which Seth is all, "Let me come with you." How random and interfering and completely inherited from his snoopy-yet-well-intentioned father. In this scene -- which is supposed to take place in the middle of the night -- neither boy's hair looks the least bit different than it does at any other point in the episode. Why not with the delightfully rumpled? It's such a good look for them both. In any case, they head off together to harass their invited houseguest about when she's leaving.
We cut to the two boys entering the pool house to the sound of a toilet flushing, and I guess people from Chino have no right to privacy at all. Then again, she should count her blessings to have a toilet, and not to have to dig a hole in the ground. But I would not be pleased to emerge from my bathroom in the middle of the night to find my ex-boyfriend and his strange-yet-cute friend hanging out in my room. Theresa looks suitably flustered, as might be expected of someone who thought she was taking a solitary shit but then found out otherwise. She apologizes for not hearing them come in. Because she should obviously be on her toes to greet anyone who might choose to enter, unannounced, at any random time of day or night. Seth pushes the boundaries even more, noticing a brown paper bag (containing toilet paper) on the bed. He announces that if Theresa needs anything, she should let him know, because Kirsten's got lots of toiletries. And I'm so sure Theresa would enjoy going to the same strange-yet-cute friend of her ex-boyfriend to ask him to ask his mother for some tampons or a douche or hemorrhoid cream. The camera lingers on the bag, so we know it must contain the aforementioned hemorrhoid cream, and we're all automatically clued in to expect the standard drama episode in which one of the teen characters struggles with thinking she had a hemorrhoid, only to find out in the last two minutes of the episode that it wasn't a hemorrhoid after all, but just a hemorrhoid scare. Whew! In any case, Theresa thanks him for the offer, but announces that she won't be around much longer, because she can't impose on Seth's parents forever. He's all, "Sure you can. I intend to." So why then, exactly, was he harassing Ryan only moments ago to find out when Theresa was leaving? Theresa adds that she needs to figure some things out, after which she'll call her family. She and Ryan exchange awkward conversation about when they'll see each other , Ryan incorporating the more awkward fact that whenever that will be, it will also include Marissa. Seth points out that he'll be there too, because "[his] girlfriend is currently dating her father." Ryan cuts him off before Seth can further explain his plight, but Seth assures her that she'll hear all about it tomorrow. Theresa watches them go, and then removes a pregnancy test from the brown bag.
Tinkling, indeed.
The Big House for Wayward Chino Near-Adults. Lady Heather -- wearing a scarf top last seen on Alyssa Milano three seasons ago on Charmed -- suggests three possibilities for a wedding location. Her preference is clearly the "beautiful glass cathedral overlooking the ocean at the Wayfarer's Chapel," so I'm not going to bother with the other choices. Since last week we saw the invitation, which would presumably have included a location, this is a kind of strange conversation for them to be having now. Then again, since Caleb is the "Cay Lo" of Newport Beach, maybe this will be a stealth wedding with an announced location and blindfolds for the guests and helicopters flying in at the last minute overhead. Ah, romance. Caleb brushes off that choice, saying that he has to work and Lady Heather can do whatever she wants. When he apologizes to Kirsten for running off before breakfast, she points out that the only reason they scheduled the breakfast was to work, since he's been so busy with the wedding lately. Lady Heather is all cock-eyed and "Really?" as she counters that whenever she tries to talk wedding with Caleb, he claims to be busy working with Kirsten.
Sandy -- who has been a silent presence so far throughout this conversation -- can't resist the opportunity to join in at Caleb's expense: "Really! So Cay-Cay, what've you been doing all this time?" (Hee at the "Cay-Cay.") Caleb snits over whether Sandy has some place to be, which Sandy counters by announcing that he's having a breakfast meeting with Jimmy, which he suggests might be sounding pretty good to Caleb right about now. Caleb dodges the subject by telling Lady Heather to go with the Wayfarer's Chapel; she scurries after him asking if he's sure, since the photos doesn't do it justice. When she suggests taking him to see it this weekend, he reveals that he's going out of town. This is news to her, and she whines that he can't because they're getting married week! He awkwardly explains that it's just one night -- business in Nevada. It doesn't seem that unbelievable to me, since so many companies are relocating their headquarters from Northern California to Las Vegas, but the Cohens and the Cooper are suddenly all over Caleb. Lady Heather's all, "Nevada? As in. Las Vegas, Nevada," and Kirsten skeptically asks what kind of business takes Caleb to Vegas for just one night. Lady Heather deduces that there is no business, and that he's going to Vegas for a bachelor party! Caleb mumbles that "some investors and I are --" but Lady Heather cuts him off to finish, "Hiring strippers, drinking too much, and gambling all night the weekend before our wedding!" Sandy chimes in that it sounds like a bachelor party to him, and derives much pleasure in claiming to feel a little hurt not to have received an invitation.
Seth and Ryan enter the kitchen just in time for this discussion, and Seth echoes Sandy's disappointment at being excluded from the festivities. Sandy qualifies that it has nothing to do with any affection he has for Caleb, but just because he loves "The Vegas." When Seth expresses surprised over this, Sandy chuckles and repeats, "I love The Vegas. Love The Vegas." He asks how Ryan feels about Vegas, to which Ryan flatly responds, "I've never been to The Vegas. My mom was all about The Reno." Hee. Seth suddenly has an idea: they should all go, since Sandy loves it there and Seth and Ryan have never been! Besides, Ryan can use his "mutant card-counting abilities" to pay for the whole trip. No one object to the fact that Ryan is sixteen (I know I said fifteen two weeks ago, which is the last time I employ hyperbole to make a point in a recap. Okay, so I can't promise that it's really the last time. But it's the last time I employ it poorly.) Lady Heather looks gleeful at the prospect of ruining her beloved's bachelor party, and concludes that it sounds like "fun for the whole family." When Ryan expresses concern over Theresa, Kirsten offers to "take care of" her. In other words, if she piddles on the sofa or something, Kirsten is more than happy to call Rosie to come clean it up. Caleb snits over whether he gets any say in this, and Lady Heather sweetly pecks his cheek and announces that he does not. Caleb had better get used to not having a say in things if he marries Lady Heather. She snidely tells him to enjoy his bachelor party; Caleb just grimaces and bears it.
Sandy has made his way over to The Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad, where Jimmy is happily explaining that the realtor is on her way over with the papers for him to sign for his new house. He shows Sandy the listing, and Sandy exclaims over how perfect it is -- and right on the beach, too! Jimmy just wants Marissa to have a home "she can be proud of." Jimmy has really taught Marissa all the important things in life: having nice possessions, looking pretty, etc. When Jimmy asks what Sandy is doing with his half of Caleb's money, Sandy eagerly explains that he's taking some of it to Vegas to crash Caleb's bachelor party. But really, gambling away one and a quarter million dollars really doesn't seem to go hand in hand with Sandy's whole "save the world" shtick. A million dollars can go a lot further at a homeless shelter than it can go in a slot machine. Sandy asks if Jimmy wants to come (because the ex-husband of the bride belongs at the groom's bachelor party even less than he does at the wedding shower), and Jimmy jumps on board, pointing out that Caleb not only bailed them out with the restaurant but also "took [Lady Heather] off [Jimmy's] hands." He says he'll even buy Caleb a lap dance, and then revises it to, "Hell, I'll give him one myself!" Why does that visual come so easily?
The realtor charges into the house; she's obnoxious because all realtors are. They also all wear cheap suits, pumps, and have either bad color or a bad perm. Both bad color and a bad perm is reserved explicitly for realtors from Chino. This particular realtor -- who is also carrying two purses -- congratulates Sandy on the restaurant sale and presumes that he and Jimmy must have made a fortune, because she heard Robert Campbell was going to turn the whole area into an outdoor mall. When Sandy corrects her to say that they didn't sell the restaurant to Robert Campbell but to Caleb Nichol, she concludes, "Well then, I guess Caleb Nichol is gonna make the fortune...well, another fortune, right?" She suggests that Sandy and Caleb still made good money, though, so what is Sandy going to do ? Piss it all away, naturally!
The Harbor School. Marissa snits over wanting to kill Caleb, concluding that going to jail would be better than moving in with him and Lady Heather. And then she wouldn't ever have to tell Jimmy! Ryan can't believe she hasn't told him yet, and she whines over what she's supposed to say. If she tells the truth about the blackmail, then Jimmy will kill Caleb and she'll end up living with Lady Heather, anyway. Wow. She's really thought this one through. She could probably talk Oliver into offing Caleb for her, and then she can dance around in the rain in front of his car to "Sweet Home Alabama" in a short floral dress. When Marissa agrees to tell Jimmy this weekend, Ryan points out that he might be going to Vegas this weekend. A surprised Marissa asks how Ryan know, and he twiddles his thumbs, whistles while looking at the ceiling, and inspects the hallway's paint job before singsong-ing, "Because I might be going to Vegas this weekend?" He explains that it's Caleb's bachelor party, and she's all, "What? With like, uh, strippers 'n prostitutes 'n showgirls?" Ryan -- forgetting that Marissa is humorless -- teases, "Yeah, I don't know. I hope so!" She shoves him into the wall, and he announces that he can't go anyway, because he can't leave Theresa by herself. Marissa's all, "Theresa? What about me?" Man. That is one selfish girl. Sadly, Ryan doesn't tell her to go get beat up by someone she loves and trusts and then they can talk; instead, he points out that Marissa has Summer and her locked-in-a-trunk sister, while Theresa has no one. Marissa warbles that Theresa has her, and hesitantly continues, "I mean, I am your girlfriend, right?" She browbeats him into agreement: yes, she's his girlfriend. And with that, she wants to talk strippers.
Which is something that Marissa and her mother have in common. At the Newport Group, Lady Heather paces around Kirsten's office, ranting that she doesn't want Chippendales, she wants strippers: "Full-on, full frontal, male strippers!" So suddenly it's okay for the trashy roots to show, but last week's revelation by Cyndi that she likes a good In 'N Out Burger was a complete tragedy? Kirsten suggests that, instead, she invite the girls over and throw Lady Heather a "lovely, catered, bachelorette cocktail party." And much as Lady Heather's choice might not sound appealing to Kirsten, it's still Lady Heather's choice, and if Kirsten is too prudish to give her what she wants, then she should hand the job over to someone else. Cyndi, again, comes to mind. Lady Heather's all, "With strippers!" to Kirsten's suggestion of the cocktail party. Kirsten argues that they're smart, sophisticated women and don't need "strange naked men dancing in front of [them] to be entertained." So she'd rather it be men they know?. Sandy joins Jimmy in the visual, and again it's just way too easy. And one of them is wearing an elephant thong, but I won't say which. Lady Heather rebuts Kirsten's declaration: "I'm not as smart as you." Hee. She argues that the boys are getting strippers, insisting that in Vegas "you get strippers as a side with your entrée." Hee. She emphatically declares that the men are getting strippers, because why else would Sandy want to go? This, for some reason, gets through to Kirsten; like she would really believe that Sandy was Vegas-bound purely for strippers? Lady Heather eagerly proposes a plan: they load all the Noopsies into limos, drive to L.A., have dinner on Sunset, and then head south to Manitopia or a place called "The Stud Farm." She reveals that she's done her research with the help of Todd in Accounting, who also told her about a place called "The Petting Zoo," which, she says, is "not exactly legal." Kirsten whines that she's not going to a place called The Petting Zoo because "you don't know where the pets have been." Lady Heather insists that they'll be too drunk to care, and Kirsten yelps, "No strippers!" When did it become all about Kirsten? As Kirsten leaves, Lady Heather begs, "Just one! Stripper! Please! Just one little stripper. Only one. Just tryin' to make his way in the world....naked." Her delivery is perfect -- very hopeful and saucy all at once. Kirsten finally concedes, and Lady Heather reminds her that she doesn't want "Chippendales." She also amends her earlier statement: "And not little." Lady Heather looks delighted, and delighted Lady Heather is a lot of fun.
At the Student Disunion, Summer is non-reacting to the news that Seth is going to a bachelor party. He attempts to elicit some emotion from her by proposing that "really anything could happen." When Summer snits that it's good to know, Seth explains that it's a courtesy thing for him to tell her his plans, since the last time he checked, they were still a couple, even though she's been ignoring him. We only see the top half of Summer's outfit in this scene, but she may or may not have borrowed The Nana's waitress uniform from Alice. It's pink with cuffed white sleeves and a white collar. Seth begs Summer to assure him that she won't let her father's opinion of him break them up; she considers this, and then sadly reminds Seth, "He's my dad." Seth yelps that he doesn't care about her dad! He cares about her! A lot! And if that's not good enough for her...his voice trails off as he concludes that it's obviously not good enough for her, so he's going to Vegas. He storms off, and she silences a cry of "Wait," then tucks a strand of errant wig hair behind her ear.
Ryan bounds into the pool house, where Theresa is dressing. The ladies just love to change clothes around Ryan. He announces that he and Marissa want to hang out with her tonight, but she reveals that she picked up another bakery shift, so she can't; her cousin Kim in Atlanta said Theresa could stay with her as long as she pays her own way, so Theresa needs to raise some money. Kim doesn't have a pool house, but she might have a sense of respect for her roommate's privacy or possibly even actual locks on the doors. Theresa earnestly says that she might get a second chance, too, and Ryan asks how much she needs. She says she can't take his money, but she can certainly offer up a figure pretty quick -- two thousand dollars? Is she planning to fly first class, or something? I guess Chino doesn't have Southwest, either. Ryan offers to ask the Cohens, but she insists that he not, because it's her problem. She tells him to go to Vegas and make money, which is what she intends to do at the bakery.
We cut to a shot of a skateboarding videogame character wiping out and "ow"-ing over it. Seth turns the video off, ponders the grand sum of $2,000, and then offers up a thousand dollars in "Bar Mitzvah bucks." Marissa also offers to throw in a couple hundred. Or, she could sell one purse on eBay and they'd be all set. Ryan insists that he can't ask them to do that, and Marissa points out that he didn't ask -- they volunteered. Marissa would definitely put the "tears" in "volunteering," though, if asked to give up anything she actually gave a shit about. When Seth proposes that Ryan could triple their money on the blackjack tables, Ryan expresses concern that he hasn't done it in a while. Seth offers to cut him off if he sucks, and then produces some fake IDs, including one for someone whose name sounds an awful lot like "Seedy Semonski." Marissa and Ryan examine the IDs, and then Marissa orders them to go to Vegas while she stays behind and takes care of Theresa. Was there an option for Marissa not to stay behind? And does it really qualify as staying behind if she wasn't invited in the first place? She says that if they win, Theresa will have her money, and if they lose, Theresa will never have to know. She asks what they have to lose, and aside from Seth's Bar Mitzvah bucks, the answer is "nothing." So, they're in!
Vegas shots take us to the standard "Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas" sign. I wonder how many crappy episodes of television that sign has made an appearance in. Probably more than Jenny McCarthy. A shot of the Hard Rock Café sign follows (and while I'd like to boycott the product placement in this recap, it's just too exhausting to come up with code; besides, the Hard Rock comes up about so-so in it's portrayal, as far as I'm concerned, so Hard Rock it is), and we see a red limo decorated with gold flames pulling up in front of it. I persist in thinking that limo cannot possibly contain Seth, Ryan, Sandy, Jimmy, and Caleb, right up until the very second they emerge from it. They swagger into the casino, Seth stopping in the doorway to declare dramatically, "I love The Vegas." Ryan comments that Reno was never like this. Caleb, Jimmy, and Sandy trail behind them, and Jimmy immediately, randomly heads off somewhere while Caleb and Sandy pause. Caleb asks, "What is this place?" much the same way the aliens in Superman II first scrutinize Earth. And yes, I did just see that movie. Those were some scary-ass bad guys, although I suspect Lady Heather could show Ursa a thing or two. Sandy product places the Hard Rock, claiming that Seth says it's "Ground Zero for aging hipsters like yourself." I that's supposed to make the place a draw for anyone except the mentioned aging hipsters, I don't think it will be very successful. Caleb thought they were going to Caesar's Palace, and Seth points out that Caesar's doesn't have a permanent Springsteen exhibit. Oh, of course Seth would love Springsteen! And me being such a Jersey girl! Jimmy points out that Caesar's doesn't have Céline Dion, which Seth counters by saying it's just another reason they're at the Hard Rock. Céline Dion jokes are so 1999. But she does suck -- no kidding about it. Sandy tells Seth to "mock if you want, but the woman can sing sing sing!" Seth jokes that Sandy will regret saying that on his birthday. All of the men, except Caleb and Ryan, are wearing clothes which not only declare them tourists, but dorky tourists to boot. Jimmy's button-down shirt is pinstripes on one side and floral on the other. Not to mention he has one sleeve rolled up and the other down. Sandy is wearing a short-sleeved, very busy button-down, while Seth's light blue shirt features a giant "V" across the chest. If the goal is to estrange any women they encounter with their laughable taste in clothing, they're all set. Then again, maybe the ladies will be happy to tear off their shirts if it means they won't have to look at them anymore.
A woman named Amy introduces herself and explains that the penthouse is ready, and that they should follow her. This scene is so hokey, I half-expect a "walk this way" gag. Sandy expresses his love for Seth when he's told that the expense is being billed to Caleb's credit card. Seth declares his love in return, just not as much love as he has for Vegas. Amy has since focused her attentions on Caleb, who is visibly displeased by what he sees. Amy -- reading him entirely wrong, for some inconceivable reason, since his disdain is fully evident -- brags about their "famous bowling alley." He groans, "Dear God. There's a bowling alley." And not only that -- it's in their room!
Cut to Seth celebrating the bowling of an almost-strike. Jimmy roams around, laughing to himself, as Caleb complains that the room is like "a billion-dollar frat house." Jimmy agrees that it's fantastic, missing that Caleb's proclamation was more complaint than compliment. Caleb heads off to explore the casino, and we get a pointed shot of Sandy tipping Amy. You see that, people? Be sure to tip Amy when she shows you to your penthouse suite the time you're at the Hard Rock, okay? Seth nearly wipes out from attempting to execute a behind-the-back bowl, but recovers. I don't think this particular hotel room is designed for sleeping; bowling is noisy! The boys chase after Amy for a tour, but she needs to see some ID first. As they confidently bust out their wallets, she adds that checking IDs is a hotel policy, because otherwise underage kids try to sneak onto the gaming floor, and she hates to have to throw them out of the hotel. At this announcement, Ryan and Seth awkwardly put their wallets away; they won't need that tour, after all. After Amy leaves, Seth bemoans their flight; he doesn't want to get thrown out of the hotel: "I love the hotel. I wanna marry the hotel and have little, gambling-addicted, alcoholic kids with it." Ryan assures him that they'll just find another casino, to which Seth is all, "What, like a youth casino?" But aren't there a zillion places to gamble in Vegas? And if their only fear is getting kicked out of the Hard Rock, then why not work their way down the Strip, getting booted and moving right along to the hotel? Ryan insists that it's Vegas, and that if they want action, they just have to ask. Or, as we find out by the episode's end, they don't even have to ask; action will find them -- whether or not it's the kind of action they want.
Caleb's suit-clad, stiff posture looks incredibly out of place at a craps table beside a bunch of shrieking girls. He answers his cell phone, making plans to meet someone later and explaining that he's "at the Hard Rock, of all places." Sandy pops up behind him to ask where the party is. Caleb appears to be about a foot taller than Sandy; I've never noticed before how short Peter Gallagher is. Or maybe I have noticed and I'm repeating myself. If I am, I amend my earlier statement: I may have noticed that Peter Gallagher was short before, but I never noticed he was that short. So now we're clear. Peter Gallagher = short. But very, very talented. Not that the two are in the least bit mutually exclusive. (Hi. I'm short. Don't email me.) Caleb snits that there is no party -- just a quiet dinner. They banter over Caleb's plans for Sandy's restaurant and Sandy's plans for Caleb's money. Sandy announces that he's putting all of his earning on the tables, and I can't think of an action less characteristic of the Sandy we've grown to know and love. Sandy also tells Caleb that Jimmy is going to buy a house for himself and Marissa with his money, and Caleb looks at him curiously, before revealing that the last time he talked to Marissa, she was planning on moving in with Caleb and Lady Heather. With all the whining that girl does, you'd think there'd be a line forming not to live with her. Then again, her food expenses are probably negligible.
Summer, Marissa, and Hailey sit in a row on a couch at The Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad, watching The Valley and looking bored. It must be an episode with a focus on the "Marissa" character. Hailey whines over whether it strikes the others as "tragic" that the boys are in Vegas while they're sitting around watching television. Marissa marble-mouths that The Valley is Summer's favorite show! She notices that Summer is crying, which Summer denies before claiming it's due to how sad the episode is. Marissa quietly explains to Hailey about the lack of paternal approval for Summer's relationship with Seth, and that resulting breakup, while Summer whines at her to stop. It's not like Marissa cares about what Summer wants, so she just goes on despite Summer. Hailey commiserates, announcing that Caleb doesn't approve of Jimmy either: "The man's a felon." She realizes she's in the company of the felon's daughter, and dismissively adds, "No offense." Hailey's hair is pulled back into a braid. It's hard to make a braid look skanky (think Heidi; think Laura Ingalls), but Hailey pulls it off. Marissa points out that Lady Heather still doesn't approve of Ryan. She sure approved of Luke, though. In more ways than one. Hailey announces that it's like a rule that parents should disapprove of boyfriends because "otherwise the sex isn't any good." When the girls just stare, she asks, "Was that an overshare?" Marissa points out that Jimmy "kind of is [her] dad," and then they are saved further awkwardness by the doorbell. Doorbells in Newport either create or prevent awkwardness; it's never just the Chinese food delivery or some nice men with a pamphlet that seems to be about treating your pets well but turns out to be some kind of religious come-on.
It's Kirsten at the door, and she looks positively haggard. Obviously, contemplating procuring the services of a stripper for her soon-to-be-stepmother's bachelorette party has not been allowing her much sleep. Hailey can't believe she wants a stripper, and Kirsten clarifies that it's not for her but for Lady Heather; she points out that she's only asking Hailey because she was a stripper. When did Kirsten find that out? Hailey wonders how Kirsten gets herself into these things, and asks if Lady Heather has a picture of her "wearing culottes or something." Hee. When Hailey points out that Kirsten doesn't even like Lady Heather, Kirsten shushes her that it's not entirely true; she counters by suggesting that the only reason Hailey doesn't like Lady Heather is because she's marrying Caleb. Hailey corrects that she doesn't like Lady Heather because she's marrying Caleb for his money, which is also the reason Lady Heather married Jimmy. Hailey asks why Kirsten is even helping Lady Heather, and Kirsten whines that if she doesn't, Lady Heather will force her to go to The Petting Zoo where, "according to Todd in Accounting, they pet!" Hailey will do it; she knows just the "man for the job." Did anyone else expect Danny DeVito to show up?
Back at the Hard Rock, nubile women cavort in the beach-like pool. The camera follows six jiggling breasts as they emerge up the pool steps, and then gets preoccupied by a woman running through the water, drink in hand. I guess it beats swimming laps, but still. No one looks graceful -- or sane -- attempting to run in a pool. Seth and Ryan amble through the crowd; Ryan wears two layers of clothing while Seth is shirtless with a purple towel thrown over his shoulder. The towel does not, thankfully, obscure our viewing of his little thatch of chest hair. It's no happy trail, but it will do. Seth admires the frolicking masses, and concludes that he and Ryan "live in an age of miracles." He claims that between the bowling alley, the beach in the middle of the desert, and the many bikini-clad women, he hasn't even thought of Summer. Ryan offers, "Since you left a message on her machine in the hotel room." Seth counters that that was twenty minutes ago, and that he's since begun to feel very liberated and confident -- like he could walk up to any woman and "just...converse." The boys are both carrying some sort of brightly-colored fruity drinks. It's very Seth, but not particularly Ryan. This scene, by the way, is also very Brandon and Steve at the Beverly Hills Beach Club.
The boys stop before a group of women, two of whom are wearing nude-colored bikinis that make them look naked. Ryan urges Seth to go for it; he does, but returns in half a second, claiming that he doesn't want to be rude to Ryan. An amused Ryan insists that he can take care of himself, and gives Seth a little shove in that direction. Seth buzzes and whirs that he can't just go up to a strange girl, which works out quite well, since the strange girl goes up to him, instead. She's wearing eyeglasses, which is kind of random, considering that she doesn't wear them later, and glasses at the pool aren't particularly convenient. I guess they're meant to be reading glasses and also to let us know that she's intelligent. She pops up in front of them and asks if Seth minds if she kisses him. He doesn't say no, and so they kiss. This woman is slightly strange-looking: like Sydney Bristow in one of her many skimpy spy incarnations. We cut briefly over to an angry towel boy before the two break the kiss; she introduces herself as Jen (except with Adam Brody's accent, it sounds like "Jed"), announcing that the Hard Rock is exclusive and you have to be with a guest to be there. When she offers to buy them a drink to show her gratitude, Seth points to his full glass and says, "I think we're out!" Seth's phone rings, and he greets Summer awkwardly. (In this case, ringing phone = creating awkwardness.) We cut to her pacing around Marissa's bedroom, admitting that she's been thinking about their relationship. Jed interrupts with an untimely "I have to kiss you again!" Summer overhears and asks repeatedly what's going on; the only response she gets is Jed commending Seth on his amazing kissing abilities. Seth finally returns his attention to Summer, but she has already hung up.
Back in Newport, Summer turns to Marissa and cries that Seth is kissing other girls "right in front of [her] on the phone!" She can't believe it! She's been "crying actual tears over that ass, and he's kissing randoms!" Hee. "Randoms." Instead of trying to talk to her friend about her problems, Marissa offers up a girls' night out as the solution. She explains that Theresa is coming over, and that they'll do whatever Summer wants. As long as it happens to be what Marissa wants, too. Summer announces that all she wants to do is go to Vegas and "kick Cohen's ass!"
Back in Vegas, Seth is dead-on with his worry that "she's gonna kick my ass!" Jed asks if that was his girlfriend, and Seth says that "was" is the operative word. Jed excuses herself to go write a paper, explaining that she's an English major at UNLV. What's with all the slutty girls passing themselves off as scholarly types? We scholarly types derive no pleasure from passing ourselves off as sluts. She offers them a ride, and suddenly looks startlingly like an Olsen twin -- oh, excuse me -- like Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen. Since they now want to be seen as separate actresses and not as a set and thus called by their given names. Maybe one of them should try to get cast in a movie without the other, then. Seth and Ryan explain that they're looking for a Blackjack game; she can't help them with that, but she does know of a poker game doing on downtown. She warns that it's intense, but they're already in.
Jimmy! Go put a shirt on! Right now! I have nothing against the hirsute, but the patchily hirsute are another thing. It's either all or nothing. Jimmy looks like he randomly waxed clumps of hair off his chest, but succumbed to the pain before he could finish the job. He surveys the party scene as Sandy pops up beside him, wearing a black shirt because Peter Gallagher must have a "no shirtless" clause in his contract. Sandy announces that Caleb "stonewalled" Sandy when he tried to figure out Caleb's plans for the restaurant. Jimmy suggests that although Caleb might actually be in Vegas for the bachelor party, would it be such a problem if Caleb were there to profit from their loss? After all, isn't that what Caleb Nichol does? Plus, Caleb's money is the only reason Jimmy can bid on a house! Sandy suggests that Jimmy might want to retract that bid because, according to Caleb, Marissa is moving in with him!
The Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad. Theresa sits at the table with piles of books spread in front of her. Is she studying for some sort of test? Marissa explains that Summer had to go home, but said they should call her if they go out. Theresa doesn't feel much like going out, though. Marissa declares that fine, and says they can just order in dinner instead. When she asks if Theresa wants Indian, Chinese, or sushi, Theresa ignores the first two suggestions and busts out, "No! Not sushi! I can't do raw fish!" Marissa offers up juice, soda, or beer as a beverage and again, instead of just saying something diverting like "A soda sounds good," Theresa's all about the beer: "No! I can't! I mean, I shouldn't!" Marissa summarizes that Theresa can't drink or have sushi; she jokingly asks, "What are you, pregnant?" Theresa doesn't answer, and the gaiety vanishes from Marissa's voice as she repeats the question: "Oh my God, are you pregnant?" Except she pronounces "pregnant" like "prugnunt." Which, come to think of it, sounds an awful lot like "repugnant," which is exactly what I think of Marissa.
We return from commercial to the same setting as the last scene, where Theresa is explaining that she's been going crazy trying to keep it to herself! When Marissa asks what she wants to do, Theresa tearfully explains that she doesn't even have the money to get to Atlanta, so she doesn't even know how she would "pay...for...an...." So the only place she can get an abortion is in Atlanta? I'm confused. Theresa lowers her head to add that even if she had the baby, she works in a bakery. So what is she supposed to do?! I wonder how many women in this country both work at bakeries and have kids. Marissa suggests that Theresa talk to Eddie, which might be the most brilliant idea Marissa has ever had -- sending the battered, prugnunt girlfriend right back into the arms of her volatile and abusive fiancé. Theresa yelps that she can't, because he'll try to convince her to marry him and have the baby! Or else, he'll say it isn't his! Marissa innocently asks who else's baby it would be, which is such an obnoxious question. If Theresa wanted her to know that, then wouldn't she volunteer the information? In response, Theresa just stares at Marissa, who draws the conclusion that it's Ryan. She poutily throws herself back in her chair, and the two girls sit across from each other and commence a staring contest.
Back in Vegas, a line of people sit at a bar and stare in the same direction. The line of people includes your typical man in a cowboy hat and his trampy blonde girlfriend. He doesn't get a line, but you can bet if he did it would include a "darling,'" a "ma'am," a "sugar," a "down yonder," and at least three "howdy"s. We pan over to see that they're all watching Seth, who appears to be seated on a stool with the legs chopped off, since he's about a foot lower than everyone else at the bar. He sips his drink out of a shot glass and through a straw, as the person to him blows a cloud of smoke in his face. Seth turns to watch the poker game, where Ryan sits across the table from a white man in a trucker hat and a black man with a bandanna tied around his head and a gold chain around his neck. Nope. No stereotypes there. After a tense moment, Ryan reveals that he has "pocket aces," and Angry Trucker Hat -- as he'll come to be called momentarily -- loses gracelessly. Ryan counters by gracelessly clutching all his chips to his wifebeater, and leaves the table. When Seth heads him off, Ryan reveals that he won back all their money, plus money for Theresa, so he's ready to go. Seth's all, "What about the Ryan-and-Seth- going-to-Europe money, my man?" He urges Ryan to get back into the game so that they can get Vespas or Harleys in Europe. Ryan points out that it's a bad idea, since Angry Trucker Hat will hurt him. Seth suggests that Angry Trucker Hat might not actually be angry with Ryan: "Maybe he's angry 'cause he found out people don't wear trucker hats anymore." When Seth whines that he's doing so well with Jed, Ryan suggests that he just invite her back to the hotel room or something; Seth agrees that it is kind of sweaty in the bar. Jed materializes on cue, and the boys fumble over the invitation, Seth asking if she'd like to "come back to [their] hotel room with [them] and go bowling...which is not as weird as it sounds." Jed deduces that they're staying at the penthouse, and enthuses that she and her "girlfriends" have always wanted to rent it out for a night, but it's too expensive. That choice of language alone should have tipped them off right now that Jed is not a normal girl. Because normal girls under the age of fifty do not refer to our friends as our "girlfriends." And if we do, then we probably have very big hair and chew gum loudly and carry ugly purses. A flummoxed Seth urges Jed to call and invite her friends over, and then sweetly grins in amazement as she kisses his cheek. He follows her, and Ryan follows him.
At The Big House for Wayward Chino Near-Adults, Kirsten tromps around in a lovely emerald-colored dress. We see various Noopsies in various jewel-toned cocktail dresses, while Lady Heather wears a more casual pink skirt and sweater set. It's a strange wardrobe choice. Kirsten delivers Lady Heather's drink and asks if her party isn't better than "some seedy Hollywood club." Well, if some seedy Hollywood club was what you wanted, then no, the party isn't better. Lady Heather answers more politely than I do, and gets right to the point: when are the strippers getting there? She reconsiders the question and announces that she wants it to be a surprise!
The doorbell rings, and Lady Heather happily gasps, "Surprise!" Kirsten heads for the door, trailed by Lady Heather, who is concerned that it might "the UPS man and [she'll] have to sign for the package, or maybe it's a plumber and he needs to tighten [her] pipes." I was sure that was going to be a crack joke, but I guess plumber's crack isn't so sexy in the context of a bachelorette party. Or in any context at all, come to think of it. It's not a stripper (not a male one, anyway -- well, not a visibly male one) but Hailey, who looks as good in her purple dress as Kirsten looks in the green. Lady Heather demands to know what she's doing there, and Hailey snaps back that Kirsten invited her, since Lady Heather apparently forgot. Lady Heather's all, "My memory's fine." When Kirsten attempts to ease the tension with the offer of crab cakes, Hailey announces that she can't stay, but saw a fire truck out front and wanted to make sure everything was okay. Lady Heather perks up, all, "Fire truck?" just as music starts pumping and a long-haired stripper enters, asking if it's hot in there, or it's just him. If it's hot in there, I'd say their best bet is to check the thermostat. Because the best worst to describe this particular stripper is "greasy" not "hot." So if he'd entered and said, "It is greasy in here, or is it just me?" I would have been down with the hooting and cat-calling, too. Lady Heather checks him out, but then another stripper rounds the corner, bearing a boom box on his shoulder. Lady Heather puts her index finger to her mouth and grins. There's a random shot of Kirsten trying to catch the stripper's hat, which he's chucked off. Two more strippers strut into The Big House, pausing for a tandem pelvic grind, then swooping Lady Heather into their arms. Of the strippers, two are black, which is two more black people than are at the party or who have been at any party we've seen in Newport so far this season. Lady Heather cackles with joy as the strippers deposit her on the coffee table, where she immediately begins getting down. Kirsten points out that she said one stripper, but Hailey just looks on in amusement at the dancing Noopsies and the sweaty strippers. Lady Heather does head rolls with abandon.
Sandy calls at this opportune moment, and Kirsten whines that there are four male strippers dressed as fireman dancing in their living room. Sandy loves the "theme stripping." In the background, Noopsies shriek, leading Kirsten to amend, "Oh wait. Now they're not dressed as anything at all." An amused Sandy advises her to "try to keep 'em off the furniture." He then gets to the point: does Kirsten find anything strange in the fact that after Caleb bought into The Lighthouse, they were still denied their liquor license, despite how powerful he is? She backstories the "Jimmy Steals from his Friends" excuse, but Sandy further questions whether Caleb really doesn't know anyone on the liquor board. Kirsten points out that Caleb knows everyone, but why would he sabotage the restaurant when he was a partner? Sandy dumbs it down for her: Caleb did it to buy them on the cheap and then turn around and sell it for twice as much! When Kirsten quietly insists that Caleb wouldn't do that, Sandy asks when she'll realize that there's nothing Caleb wouldn't do. He's off to talk to Caleb!
The boys and Jed reenter the Hard Rock, as Seth tells Ryan he's proud of him -- not as proud as he would be if they were on Vespas, but proud. He tells Jed that they're "gonna do, uh, strip bowl, and I'm not a very good bowler, so you'll probably see my tush." Yes, please.
Across the lobby, Ryan spots Jimmy and heads over to join him just as he's hanging up his cell phone. Jimmy explains that he's been calling Marissa all day, and she hasn't been picking up! Ryan asks if everything is okay, and Jimmy meets his question with a question: does Ryan know anything about Marissa moving in with Caleb and Lady Heather? When Ryan expresses relief that Marissa finally told Jimmy, Jimmy announces that she didn't: Caleb told Sandy. He asks if there's something he should know, and Ryan blanches, and then mutters that he doesn't know why Caleb would do that, since he and Marissa had a deal. Jimmy's all, "'Deal'? What kind of deal?"
Elsewhere at the Hard Rock, Summer pushes her way through the crowd and delivers a particularly emphatic "Move!" to a woman standing in her way. She elbows up to the desk and tells the clerk, "The name is Cohen. C-o-h-e-n. I think that's how you spell it." Hee.
In the penthouse, Seth admires the view, announcing that he can see almost the entire Strip from their room. ["Not likely, since the Hard Rock isn't on the Strip." -- Wing Chun] Behind him, Jed says, "Yeah, you can see it from here, too." The camera pans over to show her removing her robe to reveal the same bikini she was wearing earlier. When he stutteringly commends her on its impressiveness, she's all, "Wait 'til you see what happens ." Seth rambles that he'd very much like to see, but that he's "kind of in love" with his girlfriend, and "that makes it weird." Jed corrects, "Ex-girlfriend," and Seth agrees that it's a good point. They kiss. Suddenly, the sexy music grinds to a halt as Summer busts into the room, all, "Cohen!" Ryan breathlessly trails behind her, explaining that he wasn't able to stop her. Summer sizes Jed up and orders, "Get away from him, whore!" Seth hurries to correct Summer: "She's not a whore, okay? She goes to UNLV." Summer faux-apologizes, "Oh, you know, I'm sorry. Skank!" Hee. The conversation is interrupted as three slutty women -- who look a lot less Jennifer Garner/Olsen twin (sorry girls, I just can't do it) wholesome than Jed does -- slink into the room. Summer looks them over and announces, "Somebody order more skanks?" Jed introduces the women, and then two men round the corner, the first of whom asks if she isn't going to introduce him, too? Jen asks what he's doing there -- his name may or may not be Lucas, which is entirely irrelevant, but also a kind of dorky name for a pimp; he explains that with this many girls, he needs payment before the party. A flustered Seth is all, "Ah. Wait. No. Payment? Are you, uh --" He can't even say the word, but Ryan cuts him off: "You're a prostitute!" Summer punches Seth and announces, "I knew it!" Lucas the Pimp explains that Seth and Ryan bought four girls until midnight, and have had Jed all afternoon. Seth argues, "No, man. I think I've been had all afternoon." Either way, the pimp continues that the cost is $250 per hour, bringing them up to a grand total of $5,000. (The word problem, evidently, is free.) Seth covers his face in his hands, as the pimp asks whether it will be cash, check, or charge. And now's a pretty good time, I'd think, to bust out Caleb's Visa again.
My screen goes blank for a while during this commercial break. I was hoping it would cut into the show just long enough to prevent me having to hear Mischa Barton say the word "prugnunt" again, but no such luck.
Seth's love for Vegas has quickly turned to hate. He joins Summer on a couch and bemoans that in his whole life he's never even seen a prostitute (although this incident proves that if he had seen a prostitute, he wouldn't necessarily be aware of that fact), but that now he has four of them taking advantage of him, "and not in a nice way." Summer's all, "Way to go, whore-boy." No one stops to think of the possibility that Jed may be from Chino and close to legal; because if that's the case, she could just go live with the Cohens! Problem solved! Ryan asks how much money Summer has, and she snits that she's not giving him her money, since she's not the one who was "worked on." Seth counters that he wasn't "worked on": he was "entrapped." Besides, he argues, it's her fault, since she's the one who broke up with him! She's all, "Oh, so you hire yourself a call girl?" They go back and forth and back and forth to an eventual make-up, when she makes him swear that nothing else happened with the "skank-o." When he swears, "One kiss," Ryan looks skeptical, so Seth amends it to "maybe four." Summer hopes he enjoyed them, because she'll kill him if anything like this happens again! Ryan points out that she won't have to kill Seth, because Lucas the Pimp will. Seth tallies up their winnings to $3000, and Summer throws in $500, leaving them short $1,500. Jed hovers to point out that she and her friends have been purchases through midnight, so there's more than enough time for more poker! And "poker," in this case, actually means "poker." But, really. This whole plot is so contrived. Aside from the fact that we've seen it before on other shows, it makes no sense. When did Seth and Ryan agree to purchase any of the girls through midnight? And how is it conceivable that they have no recourse after having been so entrapped? I mean, would anyone ever go to Vegas if sitting to a random girl at the bar for three minutes somehow resulted in her pimp's showing up at the door and charging you for the entire night?
Back at Lady Heather's bachelorette bash, the strippers have concluded their show, and drunken Lady Heather stumbles over to commend Greasy Stripper #1 on his performance. He flirtatiously plays with her shirt and asks what she's doing after the party. She scoffs, "Uh, getting married." When he points out that she's not getting married tonight, Lady Heather briefly considers the offer, before scurrying off to collect her purse. She runs into Kirsten, and lies that she's leaving because the boys are due back early in the morning. She then turns to notice Hailey deep in conversation with Greasy Stripper #1, and snidely hopes she's not hitting on him. Kirsten explains that they're old friends and that, in fact, Hailey "set this whole thing up." Lady Heather's all, "She did?" and then marches over to the two, accusing Hailey of getting her stripper friend to proposition her so that she'd cheat, and Hailey could tell Caleb! Hailey scoffs that she knows Lady Heather would never sleep with Jeff, because he doesn't make enough money. So wait. Hailey didn't set up Lady Heather, after all? Lady Heather set herself up! Hailey continues to point out Lady Heather's history of marrying for money, and delivers the delicious "You see, Jeffrey here might be a stripper. But honey? You're a whore!" Lady Heather hauls off and slaps Hailey, after which Greasy Stripper #1 emits a hilarious "Ohhhh!" Slapping and shoving and cries of "bitch!" ensue. Greasy Stripper #1 takes an elbow to the face, and the two women (or woman and man-parading- as-a-woman) end up in the pool. Kirsten, by now, has given up on trying to break up the fight and returned her attention to the more important matter at hand: champagne. The camera loves the catfighting Lady Heather much more than it loves the catfighting Hailey, to the point where I wonder if it's even really Hailey in the pool.
Sandy strides into a fine restaurant, tossing a cavalier "Hey, how are ya?" to the host. He spots Caleb and busts up to the table, introducing himself as Caleb's son-in-law, and asking about the food. Caleb looks far more bothered than does Robert Campbell, who happily responds that the filet is excellent. Caleb tries to prevent it the conversation, but Sandy's all, "Don't mind if I do!" He takes a seat and continues his tirade that he's heard Mr. Campbell is interested in the Balboa coastline property, and that he could see why, since it's the perfect location. He reaches across the table and picks up Caleb's martini, asking-without-asking, "Do you mind?" He casually explains, "I'm parched." Sandy explains that he and partner recently tried to open a restaurant "not unlike this one, except we had two kinds of meatloaf" (hee), but that they couldn't get a liquor license, nor figure out why not. Caleb attempts to halt the conversation, but Sandy won't be put off, and grabs a green bean from Caleb's plate with his hands, waves it around, and eats it. Sandy adds that it turns out one of their partners went behind their backs, blocked the license, bought them out, and is now is peddling the property at a higher price to someone else. Caleb's had enough and asks Sandy to leave, but Sandy's just getting to the kicker: the joke is on Caleb! Because not only is he guilty of collusion and fraud, but the property will be tied up in civil litigation for months or years, the bottom line being that the property is worthless! Sandy wraps it up: "What do you think of that, Mr. Campbell?" Mr. Campbell pretty much thinks that the filet is excellent. And that the red-headed kid who got voted out last week on American Idol wasn't half bad. Caleb takes Sandy by the elbow to herd him away, but Sandy forcefully shrugs him off. Jimmy bounds into the restaurant, all, "Don't! Let me." He punches Caleb, who may not have gotten to eat his own meal, but gets a nice faceful of the person's meal at the table behind them. Jimmy rants about Caleb manipulating him and holding his daughter hostage as Sandy holds him back and mutters, "Easy, easy. What're you doin'? Beatin' me to the punch?" He hugs Jimmy out of the restaurant, telling Caleb he'll see him back in Newport, and punctuating it with a deliberately scathing "Dad."
Ryan has rejoined the poker game, which is still going on with all the same players. Is it an endless poker game? How long has it been? We see a frustrated Ryan lose his last chip as Jed looks on. He takes her aside and orders her to lend him some money, but she refuses, since he just lost so much! When he says she won't get paid, she counters that this not a game, and that they can get seriously hurt. But if it's not a game, she shouldn't play people like it is, then. Ryan asks whose fault it is that they're in this bind, and she argues that she was just doing her job. Besides, they are staying in the penthouse; she thought they had money! She doesn't understand why Ryan sucks so badly at poker now when he did so well earlier. Ryan points out that Angry Trucker Hat must be feeling pretty confident right now, and the hooking English major deduces that Ryan lost "on purpose." Ryan won't commit, put pointedly explains that he won a lot of money this afternoon, and now he needs hers. She forks it over, and Angry Trucker Hat perks right up.
We cut to a close-up shot of the trucker hat, and then pan down to reveal Ryan's face underneath. Seth can't believe that Angry Trucker Hat gave it to Ryan, and Ryan grinningly explains that he won it. It's kind of nasty that Ryan is wearing the hat that Angry Trucker Hat sweated in all day and night. Seth reminds him that they can't quite call it "winning," though, and Summer points out that he should be nicer to Ryan since he "paid off your pimps...and your hos!" Ryan apologizes for losing Seth's Bar Mitzvah bucks, and Seth admits that he's the one who lost his money, as well as Theresa's money, which was the only reason they went to Vegas in the first place. Ryan suggests that it wasn't the only reason, and Seth asks if he doesn't think the trip is a total waste. Ryan insists that they're walking out even, and Seth's all, "I'd say some of us are walkin' out ahead." He swings a cute arm over Summer's shoulder, and kisses her sweetly. Aw. When Summer points out that if it were up to Seth, they wouldn't be walking out at all, Seth counters that they at least have a good story to tell; she's not sure he wants to be telling people he lost his Bar Mitzvah money on prostitutes. As the three happily amble along in a busy outdoor area, Ryan points out, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." Summer thought that was Tijuana? Seth thinks the hat should stay in Vegas; he plucks it from Ryan's head and throws it off a bridge and down onto a gondola floating below. The people in the gondola look happy to have a new hat, as opposed to annoyed to have some stranger's twice-removed trash along for their romantic boat ride. The boys and Summer admire the Vegas scenery just as a fountain explodes. Aw. Summer is so cute and happy and perky in this scene. We watch them as they walk away, laughing and joking with each other.
Sandy creeps into The Beautiful Blue Bedroom to join Kirsten in bed. When she asks about Vegas, he cryptically responds that it was "definitely a spectacle." His hand may or may not be on her boob throughout this conversation. He asks her about the strippers, whom she says were "surprisingly tame...compared to what happened ." Sandy asks if he even wants to know, and she says that it depends on how he feels about drunken catfights. He's all, "Julie and Hailey!," and then groans that even Vegas can't compete with that. Kirsten asks how it went with Caleb, and he says she'll be relieved to know that he didn't punch Caleb in the mouth. She's all, "That is a relief," before Sandy adds, "Jimmy did." Sandy doesn't think he'll be invited back to the Hard Rock any time soon, but he's not really looking forward to going back to Vegas anyway. When Kirsten reminds him that he loves The Vegas, he admits that he does, but only because it's so nice to come home to her afterward.
Marissa snittily opens the door of the Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad, yelling at Ryan for telling Jimmy about the move. His poofy hair in this scene has me wishing for the return of the trucker hat. Ryan explains that he had to tell Jimmy the truth, and she asks why he'd tell her father the truth, but not her. When he asks what she's talking about, she attempts to slam the door in his face, saying he should just asks Theresa. He blocks it with his hand and pushes his way inside, ordering her to tell him what's going on. She drops the bomb: the manicure she just got yesterday is already chipped! Oh, and Theresa is prugnunt. The camera circles around them as she drops Bomb #2: her hair is getting frizzy from the heat! And also that the baby might not be Eddie's. She orders Ryan to tell her what's going on, and the camera pans upward to black. How did this moment become more about Marissa than Ryan?
week is the season finale! There will be much tinkling!