We open this week's episode in the kitchen of the Big House, where Sandy emerges from the refrigerator to be shot from behind by a giant, streamer-bedecked arrow. Kirsten wields the bow; she enthuses over Valentine's Day, and says that Sandy has just been shot by Cupid. I haven't seen Kirsten this excited since there was bacon. Sandy is not amused as he points out that Valentine's Day is the day. Kirsten can't believe he's not excited, but Sandy's still thinking about what could have happened with Oliver and the gun. Kirsten narrates that nothing bad happened, and that since Dr. Kim lifted Ryan's suspension, the best thing for everyone involved is a return to normal. That means celebrating the holidays! Sandy scoffs at Valentine's Day: "Rosh Hashanah? That's a holiday. Memorial Day? Yes! A holiday!" He asks if Kirsten knows who invented Valentine's Day, and she defensively responds, "St. Valentine." Sandy holds with the more standard "Hershey's and Hallmark." He complains that the holiday makes single people depressed, and forces couples to pay for chocolate, flowers, and lingerie. When Kirsten points out that Sandy never bought her lingerie, he's all, "And see how upset you are?"
Sandy yelps, "I hate this holiday!," just as Seth enters the kitchen; Seth concludes, "Dad must be talking about Valentine's Day." As Seth reaches into the cupboard for a glass, Kirsten shoots him in the back with another arrow. Aw, Kirsten makes cute, squinched-up faces when she shoots. Seth flatly responds, "Hey. You got me." When Kirsten goes on with the whole "Cupid's arrow" thing again, Seth suggests that she's going overboard. She responds that he's one to talk, given Chrismukkah, and Sandy joins in to argue that at least that's a real holiday. Seth corrects that it's technically two holidays. Hee. They all commence talking at once as people are prone to do on television shows but not so much in real life because real people realize no one's listening and it's futile. As Kirsten is going on about how Seth made Chrismukkah up when he was six, while Sandy is talking about how Chrismukkah is the most important holiday on the Judeo-Christian calendar. Huh? Their chaotic conversation comes to a screeching halt (albeit without the bizarre accompanying sound effects) as Ryan enters the kitchen. Sandy kindly asks how he's doing, and Ryan says he guesses he's fine. Kirsten chirps that he's about to be great, because tomorrow is the big Valentine's Day Singles Gala -- a benefit for the local hospital's cardiac department, with a big party. If that's how Kirsten's trying to sell it, she hasn't learned very much at all about Ryan in the past six months he's lived with them. As Kirsten attempts to rally their enthusiasm with wild gestures, the men just stare at her blankly. She resignedly tells them, "I'm gonna go."
California! California! Here we come!
Harbor School. Man. When this show gets some real, high-school-aged extras, it highlights just how old the cast of this show looks sometimes. Ryan and Marissa hug in the hallway; Marissa goes for the lips and gets the cheek. Burn! They small-talk over their mutual inability to sleep, and Marissa laments that she just keeps going over it all in her head. Ryan suggests that since Oliver is now hospitalized, he may get better. When Marissa says she's just ready for everything to return to normal, Ryan can't muster a response. She hopefully brings up Valentine's Day, asking about his plans; he explains that he's committed to Kirsten's event. Marissa says, "For the hospital!" in what may be the most awkward, unlikely line delivery Mischa Barton has yet put forth on this show. Ryan mutters that he told Kirsten he'd go because he didn't know about Marissa's plans. Marissa announces that she'll go too, and then jokes that maybe they'll each meet someone there. The bell rings, and Ryan and Marissa head awkwardly away from each other down the hallway, making perplexed faces as they go.
In the Student Disunion, Summer plays Galaga in the same squatting stance in which Marisa Joy sings. When Seth approaches, she whines that she was going for the high score and that he made her mess up, to which he's all, "Good to see you, too!" He mentions Valentine's Day, and Summer snottily thanks him for the reminder, telling him to have fun with Anna. And while she may be able to maintain some measure of cool to her voice, the Galaga machine suffers mightily. Seth reveals that Anna is Pittsburgh, and Summer snits at the lack of commitment demonstrated by the couple's separation on Valentine's Day. Seth finally tells Summer about the breakup, and we hear the sound effects of Summer losing her game. I don't know Galaga, but its defeated sounds are exactly like when a ghost catches poor Pac-Man. When Seth asks what Summer is doing the day, she bitterly asks why he would possibly think she'd go out with him after Anna dumped him. With the perfect combination of vitriol and uncertainty, Summer snits, "I'm not gonna be your sloppy seconds, assface." And that's what's called a line delivery, Mischa Barton. Take note. Summer adds that she's busy the night with the Valentine's Day dance, anyway. When Seth announces that he's also going, they go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth with the insults until Summer caps it off with the always stinging "Not if I see you first." Seth proposes that they both might meet someone special, and Summer responds, "Oh yeah, maybe. As long as his name isn't 'Cohen'!" As she stomps away in her cute red outfit, Seth groans, "Oh, oh. Snap." This sentiment is accompanied by an oversized air snap. Hee.
Sandy enters Kirsten's office at the Newport Group, groaning that he's late because "crusading for the rich and dysfunctional is truly time-consuming." When Kirsten asks for a few minutes to finish working, Sandy moans that he's starving and has been "thinkin' about nothing but crab cakes" for the last hour. As much as I like a good crab cake, I can't imagine thinking about one for sixty seconds straight, never mind sixty minutes. What's there to think about? The crab-to-filler ratio? And besides, if Sandy was so hungry, he shouldn't have been late! When Kirsten asks if he'll be around the day to help set up for the dance, Sandy responds that he's got to work. In fact, he's booked up all weekend and might even be late for the Valentine's Day Gala. Kirsten points out that they're supposed to go together, but Sandy tells her he has restaurant stuff to deal with. She asks whether it needs to be done on a Saturday, and then declares, "No. I forbid it." Sandy's all, "You what?" and Kirsten adds, "With whatever wifely authority I have vested in me on this most holy and romantic of days? No."
Sandy starts in with the "it's not even a real holiday" thing again, which Kirsten says she can't take "on an empty stomach." She grows increasingly agitated as Sandy goes on about other important holidays like Arbor Day and Secretaries' Day and their wedding anniversary. She snaps, "Which we might not make it to!" Sandy wheedles that she'd have more fun at the Valentine's Day dance without him. Why would that be, again? Kirsten insists that he's going because it's important to her, and he rebuts that she fails to do plenty of things that are important to him. She asks him to name one, and he points out that lots of couples go golfing together. Kirsten responds, "Shortly before dying of old age." Sandy then brings up surfing, asking how many times he's tried to get her to go in the ocean. She disbelievingly whines, "With the fish?" Hee. Sandy proclaims himself patient and forgiving, and then goes for the biggie: he puts up with Caleb. Kirsten snits that he'll be eligible for sainthood any day now. Their voices escalate, and the undertone of levity disappears. Sandy announces that he forgives her snoring, and Kirsten claims that she does not snore! He's all, "Oh, yeah. You do. Like a freight train roarin' through the house!" Kirsten yells that she supported Sandy when he went into private practice and bought the restaurant, to which he can only mention Caleb again. She screams that Sandy never wants to do anything she likes, and everything is an argument, and it's always about him! Sandy "yeah, yeah, yeah"s that he's still here, to which Kirsten yells, "Don't do me any favors!" She slams some things around on her desk as he pauses to ask what they're fighting about. She yelps, "I'm not sure. But it's serious!" So Kirsten and her cute red purse stomp out of the office, telling Sandy that he's on his own for lunch. He mockingly calls after her, "Happy Valentine's Day!"
“ What a perfect speech! How very John Cusack! How very REO Speedwagon! ”
At the Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad, Marissa lies on the couch and reads a book which appears to have stickers on its cover. Is she, like, eight? Jimmy enters, happily announcing that progress is being made at the restaurant. She hands him a heart-shaped box with a big red bow on top, informing him that it was left for him at the door. He holds it to his ear, deducing that since it's not ticking, it can't be from Lady Heather. He reads the note, which says, "Hope you're not too lonely this Valentine's Day. XOXO, your secret admirer." Whoever wrote that note has quite the way with the words. Jimmy concludes that it's a gift from Marissa, but she denies being his secret admirer. Which is a good thing, too, since that would be a little creepy. Jimmy looks perplexed and asks who else "would have left something...nice?" Hee. Marissa agrees that it's a good question, and then changes the subject back to what's important: herself. She explains that she's doing her best to avoid Valentine's Day completely this year. When Jimmy asks about Ryan, Marissa cuts him off to say that neither she nor he wants to talk about it. Jimmy suggests that Valentine's Day calls for "a big romantic gesture," which, he claims, is better than talking. So is Jimmy advocating that Marissa wrap herself up in a bow and get all nekkid for Ryan? Because that's kind of what it sounds like. And what kind of parent tells his kid that talking isn't a viable solution? Anyway, Jimmy takes the lid off the box to reveal that it contains those bland little cookies decorated with Hershey's kisses. I've always hated those cookies. He again refutes the possibility that they could be from Lady Heather because "she doesn't make her disdain a secret from [him], much less her admiration." As Marissa attempts to pop a piece of chocolate into her mouth convincingly, she asks if Jimmy has kissed anyone lately.
We get our first glimpse into Summer's bedroom, which is exactly what I'd expect from Summer -- girlish and purple. She lies on the bed watching television and we faintly hear a "Previously on The Valley." A voice from the television yowls, "I just don't feel like I fit here in Tarzana!" Who would? Do you need to wear a loincloth and swing from a grapevine? What kind of name is that for a town? ["Pipe down, or Tarzana will get screwed out of its P.F. Chang's franchise!" -- Wing Chun] When a knock sounds at the door, we see that Summer's learned at least one thing from Seth; she yells, "I'm busy! Studying! Naked!" Through the door, Seth responds, "Is that supposed to keep me away?" Summer scurries to let him in, and then shortly concludes, "You're at my house." He looks her over and responds, "And you are dressed. I wonder who's more disappointed." When he asks if he may come in, she flatly says he can't, but he pushes past her anyway. She asks what he's doing there, but he's fixated on something on her dresser. He picks up a My Little Pony doll and sweetly asks who it is. When she responds, "No one," he wiggles it at her he says in his best high-pitched My Little Pony voice, "I'm not no one." Aw. Summer's all, "Princess Sparkle. What do you want?" Seth suggests that Princess Sparkle is just Captain Oats's type, and Summer sassily responds, "Well, you tell him to keep his hooves off!" Summer starts to tell Seth the same, but he cuts her off to ask for a second before she kicks him out. He urges her to listen, and then explains that it's not like he's choosing Summer now just because he and Anna broke up. He earnestly says, "'Cause the whole reason that we broke up is...'cause for me? It's always been you, Summer. I've had to fight it, and I've tried to deny it and I can't. I can't do it. You're undeniable." What a perfect speech! How very John Cusack! How very REO Speedwagon! Yay! Summer leaps forward to kiss him, and they fall to the bed together; she unzips her sweat jacket (it's sexier than it sounds) and lies on top of him. Two seconds into the kissing, she asks if he has a condom, except she fumbles toward calling it a "you know." He does have one in his wallet, and then rambles that he was starting to view it as a rabbit's foot for good luck. She clamps a hand over his mouth and says, "You're about to get lucky." She sits up and removes her shirt, and we see her braless back. We also see Seth's aghast expression as the soundtrack pipes in with a male voice enthusing, "Hello, sunshine!" Seth stares at her breasts and mumbles, "Whatever you say, Summer. Yes. Yes." She smiles sweetly, and falls forward to him.
“ Summer says she's a virgin, or she was a virgin, which echoes my husband's favorite Short Circuit line. I know it's weird. ”
Across the street, the Cohens enter The Big House, and Kirsten suggests that Sandy must be happy the day is over as he trails up the steps behind her, a devilish look on his face. She enters the bedroom, and we see that the room is decorated with rose petals, a giant heart-shaped chocolate box, and lit candles. Since one burned-down house was obviously insufficient. She thanks Sandy, and he plays it off by saying that someone has to keep Hershey's and Hallmark in business. Kirsten jumps on the bed and frolics in the chocolate, while Sandy shoots her with an arrow. He asks if she'll be his Valentine, and she says she will, as soon as she has one of her favorite caramel chocolates. He points her toward the square ones and happily adds, "I like the ones with nuts!"
Elsewhere in The Big House, Seth reclines on the bed and tells Captain Oats, "Not to rub it in, man, but I think Princess Sparkle's your type. Yeah, I blew it for us both. What's that? Yeah, are you kidding? Great hooves!" Hee. Summer bursts into the room, and has some trouble deciding whether to sit or stand before working up the courage to tell Seth that the other night when they had sex, he wasn't the only virgin in the room. Seth looks around in alarm and whispers, "There was someone else in the room? Like, like filming us?" Summer's all, "Me, jackass!" Hee. She says she's a virgin, or she was a virgin, which echoes my husband's favorite Short Circuit line. I know it's weird. Anyway, Summer sits to Seth as he asks why she didn't tell him. She says she doesn't know, and then reveals that she thought she had a reputation to uphold, and was worried that he'd think less of her. He asks if she's kidding; he wouldn't have thought less of her! He's just shocked! He adds, "God, never in a million years did I think that you of all people...." She makes a sad, frustrated face, and he catches himself to correct that it's not what's important. Instead, he announces that it was a huge moment in both their lives, and they just blew right past it. She adds, "Really, really quickly," and he's all, "Hey! Not that quickly," and then thinks it over and agrees, "Pretty quickly, yes." He repeats that it was a big deal, and she softly says it should have been special, and they rushed it. He considers, and then sweetly suggests that they slow it down a bit and start from the beginning. She asks what he means, and he walks to his record player; the tinkly music of Ryan Adams's "Wonderwall" cover starts in. Seth stands with his hands in his pockets, and then gestures toward Summer. She laughs that he's "so cheesy, Cohen," but he tells her to come on, because he's about to sweep her off her feet. As he puts his arms around her and they begin to dance in place, Summer says the sad part is that he is kind of is. Aw.
Marissa stomps through the courtyard of The Big House; she pauses outside the pool-house door, and then bursts in, yelling about where Theresa is! She wants her to know that she's not going to lose Ryan or give up on him! Ryan quietly explains that Theresa left, and Marissa rushes toward him; she clutches his wife-beater-clad shoulders, and he rubs her arms. She goes in for the kiss, but he's not having it. As she pleads with him to just forgive her, he asks how? He doesn't know if they should be together, because it was so easy for someone to come into their lives and get between them! How does he know it won't happen again? "Wonderwall" is still playing, and it's distractingly discordant, but it works so well here as Marissa insists that Ryan just has to trust her. He's all, "Like you trusted me?" She pleads with him, and then finally sees that it's futile. She concludes, "So, that's it." He insists that he can't pretend it didn't happen, and she runs out of the room. He follows her to the doorway, watching her go, and then closes the door. The light from The Big House reflects off the pool and casts shimmery light onto the closed doors.
time on The O.C., Summer flirts with other guys while Anna mocks her behavior. Caleb needs Sandy's help; Lady Heather tells Luke they can't do it in the Harbor School hallway; Marissa goes to Theresa's house, and Theresa goes to Ryan's house. Also, Sandy says, "Dios mio."