Harbor School. Ryan walks with Seth, who wears a cute outfit of messenger bag, bright yellow shirt, blue athletic jacket, brown cords, and especially tousled hair; we join their conversation just as Seth points out that Ryan accused Oliver of faking a suicide attempt. Ryan corrects that he didn't actually accuse him; he just didn't believe him. Seth suggests that it's hard to believe such "blind compassion" didn't impress Marissa, and that Ryan should "go work for UNICEF." When Ryan points out that something about Oliver is "off," Seth agrees that since he either tried to kill himself or faked trying to kill himself, it's indeed "pretty off." Ryan can't figure out why he and Marissa are fighting about Oliver every day, and Seth -- who is not a girl but did spend several summers at camp being called such -- proposes that Ryan may be jealous because Oliver is rich, well-traveled, and a "Dapper Dan." Ryan asks, "And I'm not?" as if there's any question of the matter while he's wearing a leather wrist cuff. And why couldn't that thing have burned up in the model home? Seth adds that Oliver is clinically depressed and chemically dependent so "it all comes out in the wash, really," which seems to me like a less-than-admirable treatment by the writers of mental illness.
In any case, Seth suggests that Ryan make peace and "embrace the friend." He then enviously presents Ryan's other option, which is to "enjoy the arguing with Marissa -- sparks flying, her yin to your yang." When Ryan asks whether Seth and Anna don't argue, Seth explains, "We're all yang, Ryan." He asks what they'd fight about, since they both love all the same things and have the same interests. Ryan mockingly agrees that it's terrible, and Seth moans, "It's like we're sharing the same brain," addings, "Am I dating the female me? Like me, but as a girl?" Ryan stares at him and shakes his head before mustering up a dismayed response: "I don't...I don't kn -- I don't wanna -- that's disgusting." It's a very Ben delivery. And it works. Ryan spots Marissa across campus and rushes after her, yelling back toward Seth that he's off to "embrace the friend." Marissa is not particularly embraceable, though, unless you like an armful of ribcage.
Marissa slams her locker and snits down the hallway all pouty-faced for no apparent reason since she doesn't yet know that Ryan is around. He intercepts her and asks about Oliver; she asks whether he really wants to know, and then whines that Oliver feels bad: he can't understand how his overdose attempt caused a fight between Marissa and Ryan, and she doesn't get it, either. An apologetic Ryan volunteers that since Oliver is Marissa's friend, he's his friend, too, to which Mischa Barton attempts to express "surprise." Ryan hurriedly insists that he can't promise he won't "get weird about it again," but he'll try not to, which Marissa thinks is "great." Ryan backtracks that "great" is pushing it a little, but that it's definitely "good." She thanks him in her breathless "hey" voice, and bestows a kiss upon him, which is interrupted by the actor who has been kicking himself every single day of his life since Anthony Edwards nosed him out for the role of bald, bony-skulled, and eventual brain tumor-having physician. Phrased like that, it becomes obvious that Dr. Greene had more than his fair share of bad luck in the cranium department. Maybe he scalped a lot of heads or operated a guillotine or something in a life. Ryan wipes Marissa's cooties off his face, but the guidance counselor doesn't care about the cootie transfer. Instead, he introduces a new transfer student, who says they're all friends. And who could it be? Big Bird? Frank Perdue? Jennifer Lopez? Nope! All wrong! It's Oliver!
Tinkling!
Remember how I described Seth's outfit and its cuteness just paragraphs ago? Well, it's not nearly so cute on Anna, who is wearing it, too. Seriously? It's exactly the same outfit except her yellow t-shirt has the outline of a horse on it, while Seth's is covered up, but may actually bear the outline of some other barnyard animal. They exit a classroom, and some random extra holds the door open for them, to which Anna pertly responds, "Hm." Whatever happened to "thank you"? She clings to Seth's arm -- and why do all the girls on this show cling so much? -- and suggests options for after school: Jenga, comics, or quietly mocking people at South Coast Plaza. Seth shoots down all of these suggestions emphatically with a particularly equine head-shake and lip "brrrrr." He suggests that they do something different, like muscle-car racing or Israeli self-defense, which -- because it's good to enrich ourselves continually -- is called Krav Maga. Anna scolds him that they can just go to the Imax and see a movie on migrating birds, but Seth rebuts that they're "a little bit past that now," and instead should do something new, like take Luke's Sea-Doo out for a spin, because he's "looking to branch out to different water sports." And taking up water sports is certainly one way to spice up a relationship. Anna looks confused as Seth suggests that if she doesn't want to try something new, they can always just argue about it. But Anna agrees that it's important not to get "all boring," to which Seth adds that they shouldn't always do the same things or "dress the same or whatever." They both act like they're just noticing for the first time that they're wearing identical clothes, and he's all, "Dammit," and she's all, "Ow." Ann perkily concludes, "You take Israeli self-defense; I'll take muscle cars." They high-five on it.
Ryan and Marissa emerge from a classroom, trailed by Oliver. Seth asks if he's visiting now, and Ryan responds, "Actually, Oliver goes here now." Ben McKenzie's delivery on that line, by the way, is perfect. Oliver chimes in to say that it's not too late for a new start, and then asks why Marissa didn't tell anyone. Marissa whines that she didn't think he really meant it. And exactly how stupid is she, anyway? This is, by the way, is the first of about nine thousand times I ask myself that question during this episode. Both of Marissa and of whoever cast the role. Oliver happily announces that he has more friends at Harbor than at his last school, anyway, which is something I'd probably keep to myself, but that's just me. Anna interrupts the conversation to head off to "wash up" because it's "tuna melt Monday"; she squeals over her and Seth's shared love of tuna melts, causing Seth to mutter that he was looking forward to "sampling some of the other items on the menu." When Marissa announces that she's going to take Oliver to the bookstore, since they both have a free period, Oliver asks what the odds are that he and Marissa have the exact same schedule. Ryan's all, "Crazy," in a totally unamused way. He stares at Oliver's departing back as Seth whines over having to give up tuna melts; what's ? Ryan asks if Seth even noticed that Oliver goes to Harbor now, and Seth responds, "Yeah, I was trying to take one more shot at talking about myself, but I did notice." Ryan begins another anti-Oliver rant, but Seth cuts him off with the whole "embrace the friend," thing again, and I get the feeling that whoever wrote that thought it was much funnier than it actually is. In any case, Seth suggests that there must be a rational explanation for Oliver's sudden appearance, and then trudges off toward Anna, who is beckoning to him from down the hall.
We head over to Sandy's home office, which we've not seen before, but which also happens to be another delightful shade of blue to match the rest of The Big House. Sandy's mid-phone conversation, lamenting upcoming appointments with a sixteen-year-old three-time DUI offender and "the travel agent who falsely advertised the Bahamian beach house." Jimmy appears in the doorway and laughs along with Sandy. Because DUIs are funny! After hanging up, Sandy laments that after four years in law school at Berkeley and fifteen years as a public defender, he's become Judge Judy. Jimmy's all, "I like Judge Judy; she's tough, but fair." He admits that he watches a lot of daytime television. Maybe Newport should have had it out with Jimmy on her show, then. Judy would so have delivered the smackdown on Jimmy.
Sandy narrates that he and Jimmy are going to lunch tomorrow at The Lighthouse, and Jimmy reminds him that it's "closed...forever." Sandy announces that he had them reopen the place so that he and Jimmy can confirm that they want to buy it. Jimmy asks whether he's serious, and Sandy responds that he indeed is, and that Jimmy can thank him for it later. It's not gratitude that Jimmy expresses, though, as he complains about how many martinis they had and the fact that they were just joking about it, not to mention that "there was singing involved." That's just what this show needs! A musical! Sandy points out that Jimmy alienated a few waitresses, but Jimmy insists that one of them liked him. Joking aside, Jimmy says it's crazy for them to open a restaurant, because they don't know anything about it. Sandy points out that Jimmy managed the restaurant for two years, and Jimmy corrects that it was actually two summers, during which time he was a drunken, stoned college student. He's all, "It was the '80s." Sandy suggests that he might want to keep that from the investors, as Jimmy states that restaurants fail. Sandy corrects that not all of them do, and Jimmy moves on to his reason not to go through with it: he doesn't have the capital. Sandy rebuts that he's working on it. Still, it's not a good time for Jimmy, which turns out to be exactly Sandy's point. Because if Jimmy doesn't find something soon, he's Phoenix-bound! I don't see why they're talking about Phoenix like it's Chino or something. Sandy concludes that Jimmy has nothing to lose, and that they both have everything to gain. When Sandy asks if he'll see Jimmy tomorrow, Jimmy just exhales and laughs.
Kirsten rushes into her office at the Newport Group, closely followed by Lady Heather. Kirsten is wearing a white on white suit in this scene, while Lady Heather wears head-to-toe black. Kirsten and Lady Heather are very Wicked. This would be a lot clearer if the writers would just take it up one notch and turn Lady Heather green. Lady Heather is also wearing a shawl, but I don't really see her as the shawl type. Kirsten repeatedly declines Lady Heather's entreaties to have lunch, shop, see a movie and/or have coffee. She finally announces that while she appreciates Lady Heather's desire to be good friends, "the thing about good friends? Is that when they want something, they just ask." This brings Lady Heather to her point: the interior design job. She knows it's available, and she wants it. A flustered Kirsten responds that she thought Lady Heather wanted Kirsten to water her plants or babysit Caitlyn? Or maybe Lady Heather just needs Kirsten to water Caitlyn, since the quantity and quality of care she's getting these days appears to be on par with that given to the average houseplant. Lady Heather snits that Kirsten doesn't take her seriously as a working woman or designer, and Kirsten points out that Lady Heather isn't exactly qualified. Lady Heather snivels that she was doing lots of design work before she had Marissa, leading Kirsten to point out that Lady Heather had Marissa when she was eighteen. For all the teen pregnancies in Orange County, these people sure made good. Lady Heather announces that she knows the designer fell through, and that Kirsten has no one. When Kirsten stares at her inquisitively, Lady Heather flatly responds, "Caleb. Pillow talk." Kirsten manages not to run shrieking from the room at that visual as Lady Heather adds that Caleb thought the idea was "inspired," but also said he'd defer to Kirsten's judgment. Lady Heather begs for one shot; if it doesn't work out, Kirsten can fire her. It's a win-win! Except for the part where it obviously won't work out.
Back at the Harbor School, we hear hysterical laughter as Seth walks through the outside café area carrying his lunch tray. He approaches a table where Summer, Anna, and Luke are laughing uncontrollably. Seth asks what's so funny, and Summer introduces Danny as "like, the funniest guy ever." In a stilted dubbed-Japanese accent, Danny says, "Ah, I see your yellowfish is not as fresh as mine. Care to taste my albacore?" Oh, accent humor. It just never stops being funny. He then makes a series of mouth gestures to look like he's in a poorly dubbed movie. As the group shrieks with exaggerated laughter -- Anna paws at the table, and Luke, who is tearing up, enthuses that Danny is "like, straight out of a Bruce Lee movie" -- Seth watches in confusion, failing to react to the "humor." Danny asks who "took the jelly out of [Seth's] donut," then yells that someone should call CSI because they've "got a cold one." As the others continue cracking up, Danny yells, "Hey! Tag that toe!" Seth tries to rally, countering that someone should call the ER because Luke's going to bust a gut, which meets dead silence from the group. Luke's smile slowly lessens, as the others just stare at Seth, looking uncomfortably embarrassed. Seth hunches down in his seat, and Luke says, "I don't get it." Seth admires Anna's tuna (even though we all know he prefers Summer's), which he says is the same as his own: "Just raw and missing cheese." And with that, my recent pun goes to a very bad place. The group exchanges more awkward glances, and then Summer perkily announces that she's going to the bathroom before class. Danny's "Hey, don't fall in!" is met by more crazy laughter; Anna hoots and makes circling gestures in the air as if to represent the downward spiral of toilet water.
The Harbor School, as it turns out, has a student union of some sort, with a pool table, videogames, and a coffee bar. Oliver joins Ryan as he studies on the sofa, making small talk about how hard junior year is. When Ryan questions whether he's indeed a junior, Oliver's all, "Not a good one." He reveals that because of Harbor's competitiveness, his credits didn't transfer. Pacific, I'm assuming, was a semi-decent private school, so it's hard to believe that Oliver's credits wouldn't transfer from there while Ryan's would from Chino High of Darkness and Despair. Ryan asks why Oliver would want to transfer, then, and Oliver claims that his parents insisted, and that the paperwork was actually put in a while ago. Ryan morphs back into Frank Hardy, asking why Oliver would transfer at all when he was just a semester away from graduating. He pushes Oliver past the "not working for [him]" line and into admitting that there was "an incident." Ryan probes about what kind of incident, leading Oliver to announce that he's made some mistakes, which is no surprise or secret to anyone, but that he's just looking for a chance. He implores Ryan to let him in, like he knows other people let Ryan in. Marissa interrupts the conversation to announce that she thought they could all go to Oliver's house after school; she's going to help him with his French. When Ryan asks why Oliver would need Marissa's help with French, since he lived in Paris, Oliver points out that he only lived there for a year when he was thirteen, and that talking his way into a club wasn't exactly the same thing as conjugating verbs. Ryan tells an annoyed Marissa to go ahead without him because he's meeting Seth at home. When she asks whether Ryan's sure he doesn't want to come, he says he trusts her, and she's all, "You should." As Marissa and Oliver head off together, Oliver turns back to shoot Ryan a smirky look.
The camera zooms in on ninjas in a videogame. We pan out to see Seth and Ryan sitting side by side as Seth says he doesn't trust "Summer's new boyfriend or whatever." As Sandy and Kirsten set the table, they pepper the boys with questions, and Seth admits that something just seems off about Danny: he's just not funny. Ryan discretely rolls his eyes as Seth asks whether he knows what he's talking about. He explains that Danny is "big," but that "big" isn't necessarily funny -- it's cheap. Ryan exhales, "Hesaidtherewasanincident." After a moment of confusion wherein Seth thinks Ryan's talking about "big funny guy," Ryan reveals that he means Oliver, causing Seth to groan about forgetting Oliver for five seconds to talk about Seth. Ryan won't be deterred from his worries that Oliver may be violent, and Seth's all, "Gee. New guy shows up. Violent. Angry. Prone to punching people. That'd be really weird." When Ryan complains about the French lessons, Seth snits that they should call the police: "Oliver lost his grasp on the subjunctive." Sandy intercepts to announce that "Fajitas are served!" and normally such an announcement would not necessitate inclusion in a recap, but Peter Gallagher's pronunciation is just so delightfully dorky. He's that good. As Ryan continues to complain that nothing about Oliver adds up and that he can't talk to Marissa about it, Seth interjects to say that he could break into the file room and steal Oliver's bio, or forget about it, be a grownup and move on. He's all, "Now, to the fajitas!" Too bad Ryan's still stuck on the "break into the file room" bit.
The Techno Music of Bad Chino Impulses plays as Ryan aggressively bikes up the path toward the school. Yay! It's Ryan's Chino bike! And his Chino hair, too! He is interrupted by a pug-like security guard, to whom he lies that he forgot a book; he shows his ID and gains admission to the school. We get a long shot of the security guard closing the door shut behind Ryan, and then hovering for a molment. Inside, Ryan approaches the file room and looks slightly disappointed when he finds the door unlocked. He enters and closes the door behind him, pulling from his pocket a mini-flashlight and holding it all sideways, COPS-style. He beelines for the file drawer and locates Oliver's almost immediately, which contains a letter stamped confidential and a terrible mug shot of Oliver. As he gets into it, his tiny beam of light is joined by a larger flood. It's the security guard! Yip!
We return from the commercial to daylight in the Dean's Den with Sandy, Kirsten, Ryan, and Dean Kim, who snits over the seriousness of Ryan's offense. When Kirsten interrupts to insist that Ryan will indeed be punished, Dean Kim says it won't end there: the matter will be presented to the disciplinary committee, and suspension and expulsion are both possible. Sandy lawyers that he understands, but begs Dean Kim to understand that such behavior is not characteristic of Ryan. Dean Kim grudgingly agrees, disclosing that Ryan and Harbor seem like a "remarkably good fit," so she doesn't know why he jeopardized that by breaking into the school? Ryan yelps that he doesn't trust Oliver. He's suspicious! Oliver's all of a sudden going to Harbor! Dean Kim assures Ryan that Oliver went through the same screening process as everyone else, which doesn't make much sense if we assume his parents are MIA. Would the school admit a troubled student without meeting the parentals? When Ryan adds that he was concerned about Marissa given Oliver's "history of instability," Dean Kim asks if Oliver made any threats toward her to warrant Ryan's suspicions; Ryan sullenly responds, "No, but he's been spending a lot of time with her!" and the adults all exchange uncomfortable looks as they conclude that Ryan acted more out of misguided jealousy than concern.
Ryan reveals that the letter he read said they "found [Oliver] in the men's bathroom at Pacific having cut his wrists...over a girl." I don't know why, but after the "found him in the men's bathroom" part, my mind instantly went to George Michael. Which would have been infinitely more interesting than this particular storyline. Ryan further reveals that the girl filed a restraining order against Oliver, which is why he left the school. Dean Kim points out that the letter was confidential, but Kirsten interjects to ask if what Ryan is reporting is true. Dean Kim admits that it happened two years ago, and that Oliver has since been institutionalized; furthermore, everyone involved in "Mr. Trask's rehabilitation" believed that his best chance was a change in environment. I'll bet everyone involved would also be very interested to know about his recent coke-buying bust, but I guess that wouldn't help the no one-believes-Ryan plotline along. Sandy asks why the school would be receptive to Oliver in light of his history, and Dean Kim pointedly explains that Harbor is known to make exceptions for troubled students with extraordinary promise. Ryan says that he's sorry, and so do Kirsten and Sandy. Dean Kim hands down daily detention until the committee reaches a verdict.
Anna lurks outside a classroom wearing a cute argyle sweater from Urban Outfitters. This sweater would probably look cute on Seth, too, but he's not wearing it. They are, however, wearing matching buttondowns under their non-matching sweaters. She bubbles that she has a surprise for Seth: two tickets to see Bright Eyes; since they'd never saw them before, she thought it'd be "different." Their conversation is interrupted by Summer's shrieking laughter: across the hallway, Danny is pointing something out on the floor and then doing the old "made you look" routine. Danny tries the same with "a little nasty" on Seth's sweater; Seth won't budge as Danny insists that it's "a tuna stain or something," and that Seth should really look because he'll want to clean it up. He stares hard at Seth's sweater, and Anna joins in to say that Seth does have something there. So Seth finally looks, and Danny taps him on the nose and makes an unappealing "bloop" sound effect while the girls burst into laughter and Seth looks weary. Summer laughs that Danny's the "funniest guy ever," which really makes no sense since she didn't ever particularly seem to find Seth funny. Didn't she like him because he was sweet and earnest? (Neither of which he's been much of lately, by the way.) As Summer and Danny continue on their way, we hear him ask if they can watch television later on, because he TiVo'd Leno. Seth watches them go, groaning at the fact that Danny watches Leno which, he says, explains everything. When Anna insists that Danny's funny, Seth claims he's "big," and that "big is not funny." Anna attempts to return the subject to the concert, but Seth is still going on about how anyone can be "big," and that there's "no comedy in that." Anna mopily deduces that Seth's jealous and Seth's all, "Of Dan's comedy? No, sweetie, I'm not." She clarifies that she means Seth's jealous of Danny, because otherwise Seth would be happy for Summer and just "embrace the friend." Anna clickety-clacks away down the hallway, leaving Seth spinning in circles in the empty hallway.
Sandy admires The Lighthouse, insisting that all it needs is a little nip and tuck, while Jimmy questions whether they're the right doctors for the job. Sandy continues the metaphor: "Hands of a surgeon." Jimmy can't believe Sandy's serious about the venture, but is finally coerced by Sandy to concede that the place did have great live music back in the day. Sandy likes the idea, and asks if it was cabaret-style; Jimmy reveals that it was actually jazz. They agree on a raw bar as long as it feels "timeless," and Jimmy announces that Gary Cooper "was a big oyster man," and why ever would he know that? They agree that there will be no frou-frou drinks or cocktail umbrellas -- nothing Gary Cooper wouldn't approve of. And really, it's fine for Gary to decline a cocktail umbrella, but why deprive the rest of us? I love those things. Also, they'll have only one kind of martini, and will serve the finest scotch. They then minorly tiff over whose mother makes the best meatloaf, and finally compromise that they can have two meatloaf (or would that be "meatloaves"?) on the menu, and will thus "make restaurant history." Sandy looks around, all, "Hello, Lighthouse. Your ship has come in."
Meanwhile, at the Newport Group, Lady Heather orders around employees with her plans for the model home, which include "seagrass mats," hydrangeas only, and someone with the unfortunate last name of "Von Tuff." She exposits that the event is in seventy-two hours, and says she wants a progress report by the end of the day! Kirsten enters and looks around in dismay, as Lady Heather apologizes for taking over her office; she "needed a base camp for Operation Model Home." Kirsten suggests that it's a disaster, and Lady Heather rebuts, "Kirsten, if you stopped open-heart surgery halfway through, it would look like murder." Hee. Kirsten argues that Lady Heather has only three days, and asks why Lady Heather didn't use Kirsten's usual list of vendors. Lady Heather scoffs at the word "usual," insisting that she wants to instead do something "special" and "inspired." She points in the direction of a black marble fountain with a frog in its center. At least, I think it's a frog. A frog clutching its own secondary genitalia. Kirsten worries that Lady Heather will never finish on time, and Lady Heather commends Kirsten's positive attitude, sarcastically thanking her for "putting that out in the universe." Kirsten insists that all Lady Heather needs is a few accents rugs, a couch, and a potted plant, because they're selling a space. Lady Heather cuts her off to say that she's selling a lifestyle, and that the Newport Group should be an "aspirational brand." When Kirsten asks whether that's even a word, Lady Heather ignores her to say that although it seems ambitious and expensive, you've got to spend money to make money! If that's true, though, Lady Heather and Jimmy would never have run out.
Ryan's patience is also being tried at Harbor School; he descends a staircase to see Marissa and Oliver deep in discussion. Marissa's back is pressed up against her locker and Oliver talks all up in her face. Oliver then pulls and envelope from his pocket and hands it to her. Ryan watches closely as Marissa puts the letter in her locker, pulling it shut. Ryan looks left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then left, then right, then left again. He stares at the locker.
Cut to The Big House, and at first I thought this was a flashback, but now I realize it's just been one very long day. Sandy yells that if the school board votes to expel Ryan, the Cohens will be powerless to help, and he'll have thrown away a good opportunity! Sandy asks if Ryan's jealous of Oliver, and Ryan insists that he's not, but no one believes him! Kirsten is wearing a very pretty pink blazer. On Lady Heather it would look tacky and age-inappropriate, but on Kirsten it looks lovely. Sandy points out that the first time Sandy met him, Oliver was in jail, and Ryan said Oliver had a medical history. Sandy angrily continues, "You're right! Okay! He's trouble! Now you're the one who might be expelled." Peter Gallagher does "passionate but loving father figure" very well; he makes me feel guilty just sitting here at home. Kirsten asks why Ryan didn't come to them, and he grumbles that he wanted to take care of it himself. Sandy snidely congratulates him on a job well done, and Kirsten asks if he knows how hard they -- he -- worked to get into that school. Sandy says that Ryan can't help Marissa, because he can't even help himself. Ryan yelps, "Okay! I screwed up...yet again!" He asks if they'll kick him out now, and Sandy responds that if he thinks he can mess up so bad they'll just give up on him (aw), he's wrong (aw): he's part of the family (aw) now, and he'll feel its full weight (aw). Ryan's going to wish they threw him out! Sandy leaves, and Ryan turns baleful eyes to Kirsten, who trails after Sandy without looking at Ryan.
Seth enters the pool house, where Ryan sits alone in the dark. He says he couldn't help overhearing, and then corrects himself to admit that he was eavesdropping. Ryan immediately says he deserves the Cohens' anger, but Seth doesn't care about that: he just wants to know that the craziness is over now, lesson learned, etc. Ryan blankly stares at him, and then explains about watching Oliver giving Marissa the letter. An unhappy Seth hopefully concludes, "And, um, seeing Oliver do this inspired you to write a letter of your own?" When Ryan doesn't answer, Seth continues, "That Marissa asked you to mail?" Ryan reveals that he took the letter from her locker, and Seth asks what's wrong with him, insisting that Ryan can't ever read it and must put it back. Ryan yells that Oliver is after Marissa; he's a sick kid, and he could hurt her! Seth contends that Oliver hasn't done anything to Marissa except be her friend, and points out that Ryan's in enough trouble already. And besides, he's starting to freak Seth out! He makes Ryan promise him to put the letter back, and Ryan finally agrees, but unconvincingly. As Seth leaves the pool house, he repeats, "Put it back. Put it back," and Ryan again says he will. He returns the letter to his backpack, thinks it over, and then pulls it out and begins reading as the Techno Music of Bad Chino Impulses resumes.
Upstairs at The Big House, Seth putters around his room, wearing a cute red shirt. Ryan enters, announcing that despite everything Seth said last night, he still read the letter. He grimaces through his explanation that it's worse than he thought, and is all about how Oliver never met anyone like Marissa and can't live without her. A disbelieving Seth cuts him off: "That letter's like The Ring. Anyone who reads it is gonna die." (Which is a shout-out to Adam Brody's bit part in the movie, but if there's anything involving a ferry ride and Captain Oats, I'm done.) Ryan insists that he's being serious, but so is Seth: Ryan stole and read Marissa's letter; what if she finds out? Seth says that Ryan might be right that Oliver's crazy, but that Ryan's giving him a run for his money.
Marissa knocks at the door, asking if Ryan's there, and as Ryan scrambles to hide the letter, Seth shakes his head in annoyance. When Marissa asks what they were doing, Seth's all, "Ryan was just waxing my back. Could you give us a second -- it sort of stings?" sending HoYay! fans everywhere into happy fits. And either Mischa is stellarly portraying Marissa as humorless, or she's so clearly focused on the difficult task of delivering her line that she's incapable of reacting in an appropriate way. In case you haven't guessed, I hold with the latter. She flatly asks whether Ryan wants to take a cooking lesson with Oliver after school, and Ryan lies that he can't, because he's helping Kirsten move furniture into the new model home. They leave together while Seth looks flabbergasted at Mischa Barton's inability to act.
Because -- and it's finally time to just get this out there -- Mischa Barton is just terrible. Terrible, I said. And also? Terrible. With each week and every recap, there's one small part of me that feels bad mocking a real young person who is just trying to do her job. But there's a much, much bigger part of me that is completely annoyed by the fact that she ruins many aspects of this show on a weekly basis with her stilted, noncommittal, graceless, and grim presence.
Lady Heather cries on the couch at the Newport Group, raising her snivelly head to explain to Kirsten that she messed up. Kirsten asks what happened to the open-heart surgery stuff, and Lady Heather whines, "I lost the patient!" Lady Heather explains that all of her plans fell through, and now it's forty-eight hours until the open house and she has nothing! It's Kirsten's turn to lament Lady Heather's negative attitude; she offers to call her vendors, explaining that it might not be "aspirational," but that Lady Heather doesn't care because she doesn't want Caleb to see an empty house. Kirsten lectures that Lady Heather has to be willing to get her hands dirty, and Lady Heather responds, "My manicure's not 'til Friday."
In the Student Disunion, Seth orders an orange peel smoothie with pineapple, which seems against character to me. Would Seth Cohen drink smoothies, or would he mock those drinking smoothies? Anna orders the same, but then amends her order to switch it up with different fruits. More Summer cackling precedes her entrance, followed by Danny, doing a dead-on Jar Jar Binks imitation. Except it's not supposed to be Jar Jar Binks; it's supposed to be Harbor teacher Mr. Palmer, who evidently looks like a pterodactyl. Anna joins in the laughter, while Seth groans over the fact that Danny does impersonations. Danny approaches the juice bar: "Why you all up in my Kool-Aid not even knowin' the flavah!" Anna head bobs back at him in a way that's actually cute as opposed to annoying. Danny asks if Summer knows who wants a smoothie, and then shrieks that "Mr. Tickle" does; out come the tickle hands. People really need to know that tickling is never, ever funny. Seth considers the scene before inviting Danny over to his house, offering up some Leno. He sweetens the deal by volunteering that Sean William Scott is on. Danny proclaims it "double the comedy," and they fist-bop on it. And I haven't recapped a good fist bop since my Survivor days.
Jimmy's Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad. Manic doorbell ringing. Jimmy dashes down the steps, and he's very Clark Kent with all the red and the blue. It's Sandy, and Jimmy thought he was in court. Sandy explains that he's almost never in court anymore, and then commands Jimmy to "order up some martinis and meatloaf," because they've got themselves a restaurant! Jimmy agitatedly asks what Sandy did, and Sandy explains that he made a down payment on The Lighthouse, and tomorrow they'll sign the title. Jimmy worries that he hasn't yet been able to come up with his share of the money, and Sandy reveals that he covered it, and that they'll work out the details when the business is afloat. Jimmy snits, "So what? I work for you now?" He didn't seem to mind the prospect of being Sandy's file clerk last week, though; Sandy points out that Jimmy was just "one click away from manning the mechanical bull at the new cowboy bar." Newport's getting a cowboy bar? Please, please, please keep the gang out of that one. Seth and Anna in matching hats and spurs will put me over the edge, although I'm sure not just a few of the viewing audience wouldn't mind seeing Summer wield a lasso again. When Jimmy insists that Sandy has already done enough for him, Sandy rebuts that it's not just for Jimmy; The Lighthouse represents freedom for both of them! Not only can Sandy get a break from his "rich spoiled clients" and office politics, but they can work for themselves! When Jimmy moans that it's happening too fast, Sandy snits that he's got a great idea: "Let's wait 'til we're dead!" He storm off to settle another case.
At the Harbor School, Ryan's back in stealth mode, approaching Marissa's locker to return the letter. As he looks around furtively, the camera pans back to reveal that Oliver is propped up against the locker. He weasels that it's cool that Ryan knows Marissa's combination because she must really trust him. When Ryan explains that it's for emergencies, Oliver grills him as to what the problem is. Did Ryan run out of erasers? Has he no ink in his pen? Ryan defensively mumbles that he forgot a book, and Oliver claims he was just kidding around. Luke interrupts their conversation, complaining that the last class of the day is always tough to get through. He looks Oliver over appraisingly, and then extends a cautious hand. Oliver announces that he and Marissa were thinking of putting together a camping trip, and Luke thinks it sounds like a good idea. When Ryan also unenthusiastically agrees, Oliver says he'll let Marissa know. As Oliver dandies off, Luke tells Ryan, "Yeah. I do not like that kid at all." Hee. As Ryan starts to complain, Luke cuts him off to say that Oliver's after Marissa, and that Ryan needs to tell Oliver to back off. Luke offers to do it for Ryan, which Ryan says he'll keep in mind. Luke leaves, but not before telling Ryan to give him the word to "drop The Great Gatsby" on Oliver. But that's a pretty small book -- only about two hundred pages or so. He'd inflict much more damage with War and Peace.
Meanwhile at The Big House, Danny goads Seth in a videogame with comments about his "mama." He's all, "Guess what? Whose got the secret codes? Danny does! Guess what, buddy? You are Punk'd! There's a camera there, and a camera there, and a camera right there! Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?" The latter part is accompanied by weird, circular stroking motions in the air. Seth scratches his head in dismay while witnessing Danny's flailing. When Seth's father enters and introduces himself as Sandy, Danny responds, "Why don't you take a shower?" And I'm sorry, but that one made me laugh. Sandy's eyebrows rise about a foot in the air as he double-takes, "Pardon me?" Danny claims he was just kidding, adding, "I like ya dirty." Hee. As the Cohen men continue to stare, Danny quietly mutters to himself, "Sandy. Dirty. Sandy. Dirty."
Cut to the kitchen, where Sandy is amazed by Danny's lack of funny. He tells Seth, "He makes Ryan look funny!" and Seth's all, "He makes Marissa look funny!" Hee, again. Sandy laments, "Gentiles. I love your mother more than words. But not funny." He sends Seth back into Danny with the admonition that he should "get himself some funnier friends."
Back on the sofa, the boys sit in awkward silence, which Danny interrupts to ask if Seth's seen his impression of Mr. Parker. Seth cuts him off before he can embarrass himself further. Danny then works up the nerve to ask Seth for a favor: can he try to be just a little less funny around Summer? As Seth looks confused, Danny explains that all Summer ever talks about is how funny Seth is; Danny likes her so much, and is just killing himself to hang in there. And no offense to Danny, but non-funny jokes aside, Summer is still completely out of his league. Three months ago, Summer was pursuing Newport investment bankers, and now she dates the only high-school boy on this show who actually looks/acts like a high-school boy? Seth seeks confirmation that Summer said this about him, and Danny says, "Yes! You and some dude named Captain Oats." He shakes his head and quietly mumbles to himself, "Who the hell is Captain Oats?" Seth tells Danny to "chin up," because he is funny, but that he could just go a little bigger with his comedy. Danny thinks it over and agrees to give it a shot. When did Seth become such a meanie?
We enter the Dean's Den with Marissa, just as Dean Kim is thanking her for making time for a meeting after school. Dean Kim wears a headband; she looks more like the student than Marissa does. Not that that's a feat. My eighty-seven-year-old grandmother looks more like a student than Marissa does. When Marissa asks what's going on, Dean Kim confesses that although it's outside her duties as Dean, she felt it was her responsibility to have an honest conversation with Marissa: she needs to talk to her about one of their transfer students, with whom Marissa has a relationship, but who Dean Kim worries may be unstable. When Marissa says she appreciates Dean Kim's concern, but that she is already well aware of Oliver's issues, Dean Kim reveals that it's not Oliver she wants to talk about. D'oh! Marissa furrows her brow in an effort to look concerned without getting all wrinkly. Wrinkles are gross!
There are three students in detention: two of color and one of Chino. Ryan stares out from beneath his shaggy 'do as a teacher -- who deeply resembles Judd Nelson were he to don Buddy Holly glasses and still have a career -- prowls the room. He declares detention over, and Ryan exits to find Marissa waiting, arms crossed. And at last the producers have found new ways for Marissa to express anger. Arms crossed? Angry! Feet stomping? Angry! Fist pumping in the air? Angry! She asks whether he wasn't supposed to be helping Kirsten, and he claims to have gotten detention for failing a chemistry quiz. She outs the lie and he looks caught, bowing his head and insisting that he did it to protect her! His voice escalates as he yowls that he doesn't trust Oliver, who "has a history of girls he's obsessed with!" Marissa bleats that Oliver isn't obsessed with her, but that ever since he showed up, Ryan hasn't trusted him, which is fine, she tells him: "That's who you are," but he at least has to trust her! Ryan insists that Oliver has serious issues, and Marissa asks who doesn't. Ryan continues that Oliver is in love with her, producing the letter from his bag to her wide-eyed surprise. (Potential new stage directions for expressing surprise: throwing her arms up in the air or slapping both palms to her cheeks à la Macaulay Culkin). She figures out that he stole the letter from her locker, and exclaims that she's been looking everywhere for it! Ryan determines that Marissa already knows what it says, and asks how she can possible argue that Oliver's not in love with her. Marissa explains that Oliver wrote the letter to Natalie because he wants to get back together with her, but that he asked Marissa to read it over first. Ryan stutters an apology as Marissa tearfully whispers that she can't this anymore, because now she doesn't trust Ryan. She stomps past him, and he sadly watches her go.
The Big House. Sandy stares out the kitchen window as Kirsten cheerfully enters and asks if he's okay. He explains that they're supposed to sign the deal for The Lighthouse today, and she once again expresses disbelief that he's buying a restaurant. Sandy reveals that Jimmy said exactly the same thing before backing out. He wistfully says he knows that the idea seems crazy, but isn't that part of the appeal? Kirsten asks what he's going to do, and Sandy explains that he's just going to try to buy some time. She jokingly suggests that he hire Lady Heather, because she'll be available after Caleb is "underwhelmed" by today's viewing at the model home. Sandy points out that "Coopers sure keep things unpredictable," as Kirsten predicts that Lady Heather will be fired.
Seth shuffles into the room, and Sandy wishes him "top 'o the morning," which ould be appropriate if he were wearing a leprechaun costume, and maybe he is; do leprechauns wear rugby scarves? I suppose I'll ruin the suspense and let you in now on the fact that there's absolutely no reason why Seth is wearing said scarf, and even less reason why Anna is wearing exactly the same scarf two scenes later. Then again, we should count our blessings that we're being spared the usual hickey-covering plotline that accompanies suspect neckwear. Sandy asks whether Seth talked to Ryan last night, and Seth responds that Ryan came home and went straight to bed. This cues Ryan's entry; Seth asks when Marissa is picking him up for school today, and Ryan curtly responds that she's not. Seth shakes his head in dismay.
Lady Heather paces Kirsten's office, concerned that Caleb hasn't called yet. Just as Kirsten asserts that it doesn't mean anything, Caleb returns from viewing the new home. Kirsten begins to make excuses for Lady Heather's performance, but Caleb announces that she's "preaching to the converted," because the house was just the way he liked it: simple and classic, while letting the architecture and views sell themselves. Lady Heather and Kirsten both say, "You're happy?" at once, but in entirely different tones of voice. Caleb commends Lady Heather on her success, and she asks what she can say except that it's her "true passion." Caleb corrects her that it's not just her passion, now; it's also her job. He tells Kirsten to stop looking for a new decorator because they've found one. Kirsten and Lady Heather both echo, "We have?" again. Caleb continues that their close friendship made the decision even easier, because it will be so much fun! Caleb leaves, but not before eyeing the frog fountain and asking a dismayed Kirsten if she lost her mind, buying such an "unsightly" thing.
At Harbor School, Seth and Summer greet each other sadly. Aw. They're so meant to be together. He cutely hangs on a locker as she mopes that Danny used to be funny: "Now all of a sudden, he's gotten, like, big...." Seth watches her in squinty-eyed concern. Suddenly, Danny calls for their attention, and the camera pans over to show him grabbing another student by the backpack and humping him into a classroom. As they disappear and the camera returns to Seth and Summer, you can hear a faint cry of "Get! Off!" Hee. Seth points out that that was funny (and it was; every time I've turned around all week, my husband's air-humping his way into another room), but Summer flatly concludes that it's the end of Danny, and that she'll end up bitter and alone, after all. Seth commiseratingly pats her arm as she adds that she thought Danny was a good one, but that people can be unpredictable.
Not Anna, however, who can be predictably depended upon to show up whenever Seth and Summer are finally connecting. As Summer watches them, they make cutesy conversation about fish sticks and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch, and then Anna leaves once again to "wash up." Are they heading for some sort of personal hygiene/obsessive-compulsive disorder plotline for her what with all the washing up and flossing? Meanwhile, Summer is off to "ice big funny guy." Seth offers that if she ever feels too bitter and lonely, he's TiVo'd some episodes of The Daily Show, even though he knows Jon Stewart is no Leno. Summer thanks him sweetly, and sad music plays as Seth heads away from her. She turns to go in the opposite direction, but not without casting a hopeful look back his way. Aw.
Ryan, meanwhile, is also walking around campus to the same sad music. Ben McKenzie conveys being on the outside so well. Marissa sees him, too, but heads over toward Oliver instead.
At The Lighthouse, Sandy listens as Mr. Lighthouse explains that his father left him the place when he died; it's so magical and he never thought he'd have to sell it. Sandy urges that he doesn't have to sell it! He just needs to give Sandy more time to find a partner! As Mr. Lighthouse responds that he has two other offers and he can't wait anymore, Jimmy busts in, and Sandy identifies him as his "pahtnah!" He tells Mr. Lighthouse to disregard their whole conversation, and bends to sign the papers. Jimmy, meanwhile, continues to fret over the likelihood that their venture will fail: "I pretty much only have a legacy of failure." Considering that there's Only One [Other] Restaurant in Orange County, it seems like a good bet to me. Still, Jimmy is worried about ruining both the restaurant and their friendship. Sandy extends the pen, which gets more airtime than Caitlyn. He urges Jimmy to sign; Jimmy signs.
Ryan plays pool in the Student Disunion as Oliver lurks behind him, and then speaks up to say he heard what happened between Ryan and Marissa. When Ryan apologizes, Oliver says it's okay, but Ryan insists that it's not okay! He was wrong about Oliver! Oliver asks if Ryan really thought he came to Harbor just because he's in love with Marissa, and Ryan admits that it was crazy. Oliver is silent, but makes a "maybe" kind of heat tilt, while Ryan's face grows increasingly concerned that he was right, after all. Oliver steps closer to Ryan and declares, "Here's the deal, Ryan. And it's nothing personal." He crazies that he and Marissa connect and she understands him; he doesn't know if there's only one person he's meant to be with, but that it feels that way when he's with her. He taunts that Marissa and Ryan aren't good together because they're from different worlds. Ryan warns Oliver to stay away from her as Oliver gently tells Ryan not to fight fate: he didn't even have to lift a finger, and look what happened to Ryan and Marissa's relationship! Because they're not supposed to be together! Oliver announces that Ryan did serve a purpose, though: without him, Marissa never would have gone to therapy or met Oliver in the first place. Ryan hisses that he's not going to let this happen, and Oliver asks who's going to believe him now? He suggests that Ryan give up instead of blowing his one chance on "some chick" he won't care about in ten years. Oliver says he's sorry and walks away, leaving Ryan behind him to think it over. But he doesn't think for long, before tackling Oliver from behind, pushing him to the floor, and throwing down some serious blows on him.Oliver lies helpless on the floor. It's all very Chino of Ryan. Marissa suddenly appears, shoving people out of the way to kneel beside Oliver while five guys hold Ryan back; Ryan is still doing a "Lemme at 'im" routine, yelling at Oliver to stay away from Marissa. As he watches Marissa minister to Oliver and considers the appearance of what just transpired, Ryan's face slowly registers anger, then panic, then comprehension, then loss.
time on The O.C., Seth has sex! With a girl! Whose name does not appear to be Anna! And Oliver's got a gun with which he may or may not shoot himself or Marissa.