The Best Chrismukkah Ever

While quirky music plays, coastal scenes bring us to The Big House and a close-up of Seth's pensive face. As the camera slowly pulls away, he announces, "So what's it gonna be, huh? You want your menorah or a candy cane? Hmmm...Christmas or Chanukah?" A wide-eyed Ryan stutters a complete lack of response, and Seth, wearing a Mr. Darcy sweater with reindeer on it, rushes to tell him not to worry about it, because "in this house, you don't have to choose!" He continues, "Allow me to introduce you to a little something that I like to call...Chrismukkah!" Mid-sentence, Seth turns to place the candy cane and menorah on the mantel to free his hands for the dramatic "Chrismukkah" proclamation. Ryan hesitantly echoes, "Chrismukkah," as Seth decrees that it's the new holiday and is "sweeping the nation." From outside, Sandy's voice bellows that they got the tree; we see Kirsten and Sandy struggling through the door with it as Seth adds, "Or at least the living room."

Sandy yells for some help, and Ryan lends a hand while Seth barks orders. He announces that he "saved a spot" for the tree, and tells the laborers to "put [their] muscle into it" and not to hurt the tree because "those needles are brittle." As the tree lands safely in the stand, Seth claps and gives them an A+. Shaking his head in amazement, he says, "I love -- I love the holidays! I love 'em all!" Kirsten sidebars to Ryan that they didn't really know how to raise Seth, and Seth jumps in to add, "So I raised myself! And in doing so, I created the greatest super-holiday known to mankind, drawing on the best that Christianity and Judaism have to offer." The camera zooms from Kirsten to Sandy on the "Christianity and Judaism" parts, in case we haven't figured it out yet. Ryan concludes that Seth named it "Chrismukkah" and Seth cover his mouth with his hand, whispering that just hearing Ryan say it makes him feel "all festive."

Seth further explains that for Sandy, "a poor struggling Jew growing up in the Bronx," Christmas meant Chinese food and a movie. He embraces the grinning Sandy by the shoulders, who nods his head in amused confirmation. Seth turns to Kirsten, identifying her as "Waspy McWasp"; he puts his arm around her as he says that her holiday meant a tree, stockings, and all the trimmings. Sandy adds, "We're very proud," but Kirsten is not nearly so entertained and counters, "I'm not a Wasp." Seth dismisses this claim with a quick and efficient,"Sure you're not." Hee. Seth continues that "other highlights include eight days of presents followed by one day of many presents," and then asks what Ryan thinks. Ryan thinks it "sounds great...for you guys." Sandy quickly points out that it's for Ryan, too, and Seth encourages him to "dip a toe in the Chrismukkah pool," because there's room for all of them.

Ryan looks increasingly uncomfortable as Kirsten asks whether there isn't an Atwood tradition he'd like to incorporate into Seth's "�ber-holiday?" Ryan awkwardly explains that "Atwoods and holidays...it's not a good combination." Sandy asks what the Atwoods did to celebrate, and Ryan dodges the question with a "No thanks." The Cohens can't take a hint and further push the issue as Seth insists to Ryan that there has to be something. Ryan reveals that his holiday memories consist of his drunk mother, and ass-kickings. Aw. The Cohens look mortified. As well they should. Because if Ryan wants to share, he'll share, but I think they know enough about him by now not to push. Anyway, Sandy claims that this year will be "entirely different," but that's debatable, what with Thanksgiving and this and this and this. Kirsten nicely says that they'll all have new memories this year, and that it will be great. Seth grins as Ryan unenthusiastically agrees, "Yeah, well, whatever you want me to do, I'll do." Seth extends his arms for a hug, but Ryan keeps his head down and walks past him and out of the room, leaving Seth to conclude, "Oy, humbug." Hee. Kirsten justifies that it's a big holiday for anyone. Sandy says he's still wrapping his head around it, and suggests that they give Ryan some time. Kirsten is ready to trim the tree, but Seth's not ready to move on quite yet. He tells them that Ryan will soon learn the "magic of Chrismukkah," further sermonizing, "Worry not, I will convert him." He closes his eyes, raises a little bell, and rings it right into the credits.

And so. In honor of Chrismukkah, substitute "jingling" for "tinkling."

Seth sits cross-legged on Ryan's bed, surrounded by wrapping paper and very, very fancy ribbon. Ryan enters with a towel thrown over his shoulder and complains, "I was in the shower for five minutes and this place turns into Santa's workshop." I'd go with the old "Well he can stuff my stocking anytime," joke, but...well, never mind the retraction because -- overdone joke or not -- he can indeed. Seth points out that someone took down the wreath that was on Ryan's door, and Ryan evades the question, asking what Seth's wrapping. Seth enthuses over "two Seth Cohen Starter Packs," which contain Death Cab, Bright Eyes, The Shins, Kavalier and Clay, and The Goonies. Of the last, he says, "It's not just for kids, Ryan. It's not. I don't care what they tell you." Hee. Seth proposes that Summer and Anna will love them both equally, and Ryan can't believe he's getting them the same thing. Seth admits that he is, proudly announcing, "Sometimes I'm so crafty I surprise myself." Ryan warns that no good can come of this, and that Seth's going to have to choose. Seth says not now, he doesn't: "There's no choosing on Chrismukkah." Ryan suspiciously asks whether Seth got Ryan anything, and Seth quickly responds that he didn't, but turns back to his gift-wrapping, making a show of oblivious whistling. Ryan shoots him a look and threateningly advances toward him, causing Seth to tell him to lighten up. When Ryan continues to stare, Seth concludes, "Okay, fine. Stay dark. Dark works too."

Kirsten is working at the kitchen table when the boys enter, Seth doing a discreet Hammer-Don't-Hurt-'Em type move to get something out of the cabinet. Kirsten asks what Ryan's shoe size is, and when he asks why, she's all, "No reason." Seth, wearing a puffy vest adorned with a sunrise, asks if she's working on a Chrismukkah list? When Kirsten insists that it's work, he kids, "Okay, I love your work. It fascinates me. Come on!" Ryan points out that they said no gifts, and Kirsten responds, "Well, we did. As in no gifts...for...us." And I was just wondering where Ryan would get money to buy gifts for the Cohens anyway, when I remembered his gig at The Only Restaurant in Orange County. But I guess that was just a summer job, or an ill-fated plot device.

Sandy interrupts this conversation, entering the room and announcing that Chrismukkah is ruined. Seth grunts in dismay and urges his father not to say such things. Besides, Chrismukkah is "unruinable," because it's got "twice the resistance of any normal holiday." Sandy reveals that Caleb just refused the latest settlement offer and wants to go to trial. Kirsten yelps that Caleb didn't say that yesterday! Sandy cuts her off to say that, as of this morning, "Ebenezer Scrooge" wants to go to trial, and Sandy will have to spend the holidays preparing, since Rachel is out of town. Kirsten concedes that Chrismukkah is indeed ruined, while Seth gasps in the background. She adds that sooner or later, they'll get through a holiday around here, and Seth explodes, "Stop it, right now, okay? Don't give up on the miracle that is Chrismukkah! What is happening to you peo-- You'll see. You'll see, too. You'll all see. You'll all see." When Ryan announces that Seth is starting to scare him, Seth responds, "Im okay with that." Hee.

Jimmy's Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad. Jimmy bounds down the stairs, asking Marissa to choose one of two ties. Marissa picks the second, but I so would have picked the first. We see the Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad from a different angle here; it's not particularly small, and features a fireplace with a mantel. There is also a dwarf-sized doorway behind the stairs. What's up with that? Anyway, Marissa cheerily asks if Jimmy has a job interview, and he explains that it's a "meet and greet" -- nothing might come of it, but he's got to dress for success. When Marissa doesn't answer, he implores that he's working on it -- he'll find a job, and he knows there's a lot of extra pressure at the holidays. Marissa whines, "There doesn't have to be any pressure because there doesn't have to be any holidays!" And for someone who, moments, later will tout her own academic prowess, she might want to invest in a good grammar guide. "Doesn't have to be any holidays"? Jimmy anxiously asks what she's talking about, and she adds that they can skip Christmas this year because it's not like it's not going to happen again anyway; besides, "holidays make people depressed." He quickly asks if she's depressed, pointing out that she was supposed to go to therapy after Mexico, and that they never really dealt with it. Marissa insists that she's "great," and that it was "just a suggestion." Jimmy is glad, because they're not skipping Christmas! He'll find a job, they'll figure out a way to make everything work, and they'll have lots to celebrate! He puts on a happy face, kissing her, and scoffs, "Come on! Skipping Christmas!" Marissa feigns happiness as Jimmy rechecks his tie and bounds back up the steps, repeating, "Skipping Christmas! What're you, the Grinch?" And indeed Marissa is: the Grinch Who Stole (and continues to steal) a Very Good Television Show. As Jimmy leaves, Marissa's smile turns to dismay.

Harbor School. Ryan marvels that Summer and Anna are attending the same party. When Seth points out that neither will be his date, Ryan asks whether they know that; Seth shiftily claims that they do. He urges Ryan to relax because it's a big party! And even though Ryan might be "all doom and gloom," Seth says, "Me? Check it out! I'm snowflakes, okay? I'm latkes. Chrismukkah is coming!" When Ryan asks what happens when Chrismukkah ends, Seth deeply inhales, clutches his chest, closes his eyes, and gasps, "I hate it when Chrismukkah ends." Summer pops up in front of them, enthusiastically greeting Seth and throwing a quick "hey" Ryan's way. How things change. She asks about tonight: will Seth drive, or should Summer pick him up? Anna bounds toward them from the opposite direction, wearing yet another fugly pink hat. She asks the same questions while Ryan stares at Seth in amusement. The girls notice each other and "hey" while Seth makes his oblivious whistling face again. He announces that they should all probably meet there, and at "whatever time [they] so choose to get there, by whatever means." The girls stomp off in opposite directions, and Ryan warns, "You'd better pray for a Chrismukkah miracle." Seth's not worried because he's got both Jesus and Moses on his side. The writers were really reaching with the Moses.

Ryan clasps a necklace around Marissa's neck and suggests that it might not be such a bad idea for her to talk to someone. She points out that Ryan's someone, so why can't she just talk to him? Ryan insists that she can talk to him, and she snittily asks why she needs the help of a trained professional just because she stole a lipstick. Ryan rebuts that it's not about that, but Marissa doesn't see what it is about, then. He tells her to do what she wants, and she says she will! Because if no one is making her parents go to therapy, then no one can make her! Marissa announces, "You know, I'm the only normal one in this family!" Ryan looks dismayed, and appears to have taken the statement personally, although I don't really get any particular corollary to his own situation. Marissa apologizes, and then claims that she left her wrap upstairs and asks him to grab it for her while she gets her purse. He leaves, and we see her rooting around in Jimmy's liquor cabinet for a small bottle of Absolut Bad Actress. She sneakily drops it into her purse.

Party. The Cohen family troops in, Seth flanked by Anna and Summer. A waiter approaches, offering up appetizers and causing Seth to joke, "Come on, buddy. Change it up a little." The waiter nods and leaves. Summer and Anna both encourage Seth to follow them in opposite directions; Seth pauses and says he'll go look for Ryan instead, nearly pushing the girls out of the way to get past them. They scoff and turn away from each other.

Caleb and Lady Heather welcome Kirsten and Sandy. Caleb asks Kirsten whether Sandy shared their good news, and she curtly says he did. When Sandy announces that he needs to follow up on a few things, Caleb calls him "Sanford" and tells him it's a party; he suggests that he recall his Berkeley days, adding, "Maybe you can smoke the tree!" Sandy leans over to Kirsten and repeats, "'Maybe you can smoke the tree.' Funny." Sandy says he's going to "nail him" now, and chases after Caleb. Lady Heather asks what Kirsten thinks of the party. She knows how Kirsten feels about the tree, but what about the rest of it? Kirsten earnestly insists that it's great, and Lady Heather anxiously asks what Caleb thinks. Has he said anything? When Kirsten points out that she hasn't had a chance to talk to him yet, Lady Heather pleads that she just wants it to be a party that he'll never forget; Kirsten thinks it has a shot.

Marissa stands looking at a giant, illuminated Christmas ornament. Ryan brings her a soda, and asks if she's okay. And if that dress can make someone as skinny as Mischa Barton look pregnant, there's a real problem with it. Marissa apathetically says that she is, and asks why he's asking. Ryan explains that it's been intense, and that he knows she doesn't want to be here. She sweetly insists that she wants to be where he is and he's here. They kiss. Lady Heather clicks over and scolds her. She commends her on wearing the "pretty" Chanel, then points out that Marissa hasn't said hello to Caleb yet. While Ryan awkwardly inspects his hands, Marissa snaps that Caleb was talking to other people, and she didn't want to interrupt him. Ryan looks baleful as Lady Heather points out that Caleb's ready now, and Marissa snits that she's not. They "Marissa" and "Mom" each other. Marissa is a guest at the party! Only because Lady Heather made her come! Lady Heather claims that Marissa's in enough trouble already, punctuating the warning with a snippy "young lady." She asks if it's going to be like this between them from now on and Marissa doesn't know -- she'll ask her shrink! Marissa stomps off for the bathroom, leaving Lady Heather to grumble in Ryan's direction, "I hate the holidays." Ryan responds, "Right there with you."

Elsewhere at the party, Caleb nervously rubs his hands together in front of the Christmas tree. When Sandy appears and asks if he's got time to talk, he curtly responds, "Nope." Sandy urges him, "Come on, make some," and then hands over a piece of paper, explaining that it's the geological survey of The Heights which Caleb commissioned and mysteriously managed to fail to turn over to Sandy's office. Caleb says he doesn't have time for this, but Sandy thinks he does. While Caleb shifts around uneasily, Sandy summarizes that because The Heights are "seismologically unsound," the entire area is uninsurable and worthless. Caleb's all, "As is your theory." Sandy points out that there's no way Caleb was going to get a building permit, and if he's such a savvy businessman, why not commission the survey before he bought it? Exactly! Caleb asks what Sandy wants, and Sandy just wants to buy The Heights back. For a dollar. Caleb thinks he can't be serious, but Sandy is serious; he slaps a dollar into Caleb's hand, wishing him a merry Christmas.

Poolside. Anna and Seth sit cross-legged on the deck in a tableau strikingly reminiscent of the birthday-cake scene Sixteen Candles. Anna asks if he's ready for his present, and he kids, "All right, I'm ready. Hand me the keys. I'll figure out how to drive a stick eventually." Anna commends his humor as well as his ability always to ruin the mood. He proudly responds, "That's what I do." Anna hands over a booklet and chews her nails while he looks it over. As the camera pans over the gift Seth reads aloud, "The Adventures of Seth Cohen and Captain Oats. Volume I: Confidence." Aw, that's cute. He disbelievingly asks whether she made it, and she scoffs that she bought it on eBay. When Seth calls it amazing, she shrugs bashfully. Seth points out that his character in the story seems so handsome and awesome, and Anna jokes that she "took some liberties." Seth suggests that Anna also "dumbed him down a little bit." Across the pool, Summer watches them, looking wistfully lovely. Anna looks sad to see her there. Seth continues complimenting the gift.

Jimmy and Kirsten hit the dance floor, which seems a bit like rubbing salt in Sandy's wounds after last week's revelation. When Jimmy asks how Seth's doing, Kirsten supposes he's fine, although it's hard to tell with him sometimes. Jimmy asks if Seth ever does things that make her question herself as a parent, and she responds, "Well, there was the model home, and Tijuana, and a thing with the Range Rover and an IMAX movie that I didn't quite buy." And you can't beat that continuity, either. Yay, writers! Jimmy suggests that they're kids, and are supposed to do stuff and get in trouble. Kirsten points out that their own parents would have had heart attacks had they known what Kirsten and Jimmy were up to. Jimmy scoffs that they were good kids, and Kirsten agrees, "We were good kids. And we have good kids."

Cut to a bathroom, where Marissa is being the opposite of a good kid. She locks the door, sighs at herself in the mirror, and pulls the stolen vodka bottle from her purse. She tops off her coke, fixes her hair, smiles at herself in the mirror, and chugs the drink. She stares again, hair-tucks, and chugs.

Summer pushes Seth into a dark room as he rambles over what they're doing there, because Anna just went to get drinks and will be back in one second. She shushes him, and then shoves him back onto the couch as he grins in surprised amazement. Aw for the faces he makes. She tells him to stay, and then flips the lights on, stands before him, and sexily announces, "I hear you like comic books, Cohen." He agrees, "This is true." She slowly unzips her dress. As it drops to the floor, she announces, "Merry Christmas." We see him through the angle between her cocked arm and her hip. I haven't seen The Graduate in a while, but it seems like this scene might have been lifted from that, in which case it makes me wonder how many other hidden homages might be in this episode. Seth, meanwhile, remains completely gape-mouthed.

The camera slowly pans up to reveal that Summer is majorly working a Wonder Woman costume. Seriously? She's right up there with Piglet. Summer reveals that she's also brought along with her the Lasso of Truth, and Seth, unable to close his mouth, exclaims, "Good lord. I think I'm gonna pass out." Summer attempts to keep a straight face as she lassoes him and pulls him toward her, while his expression changes from shock to sheer delight. When she insists that he's not going anywhere, he holds both hands out in front of him and agrees. They kiss. Then, she pulls back, taking the comic book from his pocket and asking what it is. He explains that it's Anna's present. Summer softly asks, "She made it?" Aw. Rachel Bilson rocks that line delivery. Actually, Rachel Bilson and Samaire Armstrong both rock their lines in this scene, and you know that's not easy for me to say. Summer examines the comic book and sadly proclaims it amazing. Seth agrees, but wants to get on with Summer's present, insisting that it's "amazing too, okay? It's really amazing."

Suddenly, Anna busts into the room at that moment, all, "Hey, there you....are." Her face falls as she sees the incriminating scene before her. Seth nonchalantly explains that Summer was just giving him a gift, claiming it's "cool." A deflated Anna tells Summer, "You're Wonder Woman," and Summer -- clearly embarrassed and rushing to cover herself up -- says, "Yeah, so." Anna finishes, "I mean, you look...amazing." Aw. Anna then notices the book in Seth's hand and sharply asks, "Is that my story?" She looks at the ground as she says, "Oh my God. I made you a comic book. What am I, eight?" And that's very "I gave her my heart and she gave me a pen" of her. Meanwhile, Summer continues to fumble at dressing herself and mumbles, "Way to go, Wonder Whore!" Seth says, "Hey, Wonder Woman's not a whore, okay? Stop." Summer plaintively asks Anna what they're doing, and Anna doesn't know but thinks it's ridiculous. Seth realizes that this is turning in a different and less appealing direction and insists, "Let's not, let's not, let's not have one speed bump derail the whole train, okay? Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater! Let's not...make some more metaphors!" Summer softly says that she's not into talking "about, like feelings, or whatever, but I like you, okay? And. So does she." Anna joins in to agree that if they don't put an end to it soon, someone will get hurt. The girls look sad but resigned as Summer insists, "You gotta choose, Cohen." The girls leave. Seth stands alone in the dark.

Back outside, Marissa grabs Ryan by the face and more slobbers on than kisses him. She asks if he missed her, and drags him by his tie toward the dance floor. He says, "You know how I feel about dancing," and she's all, "You know how I don't care." She urges him to come on, because it's a party, but he's not into it. She warns, "Don't make me make you have fun." He still resists, and she attempts to flirt (but flirting in general is severely compromised by drunken slurring) that they can just leave, then. He catches on and says he didn't see her with a cocktail. And what sixteen-year-old says "cocktail"? She laughingly reveals that she brought her own, shaking her purse in his direction. She offers him some, and he asks what's going on with her. She asks what the big deal is, because he drinks, too. But not alone in the bathroom, Ryan is quick to point out. Marissa insists that she's just having fun; he recalls that the first time he met her she was just having fun passed out in her driveway, and I knew the continuity was too good to be true. Because they first met here, and that particular pass-out didn't happen until later in the same episode. Anyway, Ryan adds that a couple of weeks later, she was just having fun passed out in an alley in Mexico. Ryan mutters, "It's like...it's my mom all over again." Marissa snaps at him to "shut up," and he says he's getting out of there, but she says she is. She's like my friends' two-year-old, who is going through a contrary, repeating phase. So anytime you say something to her like, "You're beautiful!" or "You're funny," or "You're a sleepy little girl," she immediately (and accusatorily) retorts, "You beautiful," or "You funny" or "You a sleepy little girl," which is particularly funny in some cases, like when she's addressing a man. That aside, Marissa turns back to snit, "Enjoy the party," before leaving. He grabs her arm, but she starts to make a scene, yelling that he should get his hands off her because she has enough people in her life telling her what to do. She then delivers a bizarre and completely ineffectual "See ya."

Ryan runs through the country club, and it's reminiscent of when he chased after Marissa in "The Girlfriend." As she is handed the keys by the valet, Ryan busts outside, trying desperately to get in the passenger side, but the door is locked. He begs Marissa to let him drive, but she tells him to get away from her, insisting that she's fine. He runs in front of the car and places his hands firmly on the hood. When he goes left, she goes right. When he goes right, she goes left. Finally, he fakes left, but goes right. And then he catches her! Except not. Instead, she throws the car into Reverse, and backs right up into another car. She throws her head on the wheel and sobs. Ryan walks around the car slowly to look at her.

Poolside. Caleb and Sandy stand side by side in front of the crowd, as Caleb dramatically announces that he's transferring the title of The Heights to the Balboa Land Trust for the price of a dollar. The audience gasps and "ah"s. Caleb adds that he couldn't have done it without the help of his son-in-law, Sandy. Sandy insists that he can't take credit for it, and returns the glory to Caleb, whom he calls "the most generous man in Newport Beach." They stand awkwardly. The camera cuts to Lady Heather and Kirsten standing the same way. As they finally leave the stage, Caleb shakes Sandy's hand and snidely says, "Happy Chanukah, Sandy."

Marissa's car drives along a deserted road. Inside, there's silence. Marissa removes the bottle from her purse and contemplates it. Ryan snits that it's "great," and she points out that he's driving now. He yells that he's only driving because she's drunk, and she says she's not! She continues to fiddle with the bottle, until the lid slips off onto the floor of the car. As she looks for it, he tells her to put it away. She says she's trying, and he irritatedly points out that he's still on probation. Police lights flare behind them. Marissa wedges the still uncapped bottle between her feet and quickly puts her seatbelt on. Ryan, meanwhile, can't believe this is happening. As the cop appears in the window, we see that Ryan's hands are tightly gripping the wheel. The cop wishes him happy holidays and asks for his license and registration, before pointing out that the car has a broken taillight. Ryan explains that it just happened, and that they'll get it fixed. The cop asks if they've been drinking, and Ryan says they haven't. The cop flashes the light at Marissa, and then -- for some reason -- at her locked knees. He asks if everything is all right, and she shields her face and tearfully insists that she's "fine, thanks." The cop starts to ask her to step out of the car, but is interrupted by a radio call. He appears back in the window and explains that he needs to leave, so he'll let them go with just a warning for the taillight. He orders them to get the light fixed and to drive straight home. As soon as the police car pulls away, Ryan removes his seat belt, walks around the car, grabs the bottle from between Marissa's legs, and heaves it off the road. He then slams the door shut, reopens it, slams it again, reopens it again. Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam! Slam! He's scaring her! She's scaring him! He sadly mutters, "If there's drinking, crying and cops, well, then it must be Christmas." Aw. Ryan walks back around to his side, and lightly shuts his own door. When Marissa gets out of the car, he stares at her warily and says, "I left this behind. I am not doing it again." Marissa tearfully agrees, and then walks closer and whispers, "Okay." She takes his hand. We get a close-up of their clasped hands, and then of Ryan's guarded face.

The Big House. Ryan crunches on cereal. Seth shuffles in wearing adorable red pajama bottoms. And a shirt, people. Calm down. He announces that "the ladies laid down the law" and "it's over." Ryan asks what he's going to do, and Seth says he doesn't know; he explains, "No female has ever really offered me, a uh, uh, a choice, per se. I really only know how to handle rejection. And ridicule. I have a really good handle on ridicule." He asks how Ryan's night was, and Ryan reveals that Marissa got drunk and that they were pulled over by the cops with an open bottle of vodka. Seth's all, "Hey! That Marissa! She's really making life interesting for you!" (And boring for the rest of us, but whatever.) Ryan adds that they also got into a fight, but Seth's still stuck on the cop. Ryan explains about the radio call and warning. He adds, "Now you see why I hate Christmas." But Seth sees the story in a different light: "Hang on a second, Ryan. Um, it seems to me that what we have here is a Chrismukkah miracle! Thank you!" He points out that the old Ryan Atwood would have been busted, but this time, "You had Jesus workin' for you, right? And then you also had Moses! Workin' together -- the super team! Fightin' for you to keep you safe and give you a second chance!" Seth commends himself on the delivery, claiming it has a good ring to it. He strikes a dramatic pose and announces that his "faith has been restored." He's off to get ready, though, because Anna will be there soon. Ryan asks what he's going to tell her, and Seth is sure the words will come.

SpiralCam. Seth tells Anna, "All right, I just think that, considering everything...Actually, wait, hang on, let me try another approach. I think you're awesome, and you're hilarious, and you're caliente...." and with this we see that the camera has swirled to reveal Summer. He continues, "And I think, you know, you're extremely witty and you're wise..." and we keep swirling to reveal Anna again, and then as Seth concludes, "And I kind of can't believe Im going actually going to say this, but um, I think we should be friends." The camera lands on Summer. Shock! He hands her the Seth Cohen Starter Pack, and she sadly hands it back saying, "I don't wanna be your friend." Cut to Anna handing back the present, too, and saying the same thing. Double shocker! Seth pulled the old "I choose me!" The heartbreak concluded, Seth morosely slumps in a wicker chair with both packages and consoles himself, "You can never have too many copies of The Goonies." He sadly drops his head. But his red shoes look so cute!

Doorbell. Kirsten answers, and Caleb charges in, going on about "corporate espionage" and how he could fire or sue her for breach of confidentiality. Kirsten points out that he was extorting the county and putting the company at huge risk -- sooner or later it was going to come out. He insists that she could have showed him what she'd found, and she argues that he could have showed her when it first started. Kirsten apologizes, but she didn't see any other way. Caleb bellows, "It was dishonest! Calculating! And ruthless! Kiki, we just might make a real-estate mogul out of you yet." She's surprised, and sarcastically kids that it's something to look forward to. He grunts, and then notices her Christmas tree, adorned with her mother's ornaments. She softens, saying there might be a gift under there for him...maybe.

Sandy bounds into the house just as Ryan is heading out. Sandy asks where he's going, because he was thinking about getting a movie. Ryan explains that Marissa begins therapy this morning, and Sandy commiserates that she's going through a lot. When Ryan adds that he thought he'd go with her, Sandy agrees, "Yeah, you could." He then adds, "Or, uh, not." He says that Marissa has a lot of stuff to figure out by herself, and that Ryan should let her. He softly adds, "You're here with us now. You don't have to be the parent anymore." Aw. Aw! Ryan repeats, "Movie, huh?" and Sandy confirms, insisting that it's his pick, though. As they walk off together, Sandy rambles on about how "the selection of a movie is something of an art." What a nice scene!

Marissa and her expensive purse walk through a doorway looking nervous. By that, I mean that Marissa looks nervous, not the purse. Although I suppose the purse is probably just as capable of conveying "nervous" as Mischa Barton is. A high-school-aged student (in this particular universe anyway) checks her out, and then returns to reading his book. Quirky music plays as Marissa flips through a magazine, looks at her watch, puts the magazine down, rubs her upper thighs like my creepy sixth-grade teacher, and then grabs her coat,and gets up to leave. The guy -- who we'll find out is Dickensianly named, "Oliver Trask" -- volunteers that he came for therapy three times before he actually walked through that door. He knows her -- she goes to Harbor, right? He identifies her as "the girl at school who organizes things, right?" She reseats herself and snippily explains, "Social chair." When she asks if he goes to Harbor, he reveals that he goes to Pacific and introduces himself. He smirks that, considering she's a social chair, she isn't very social at all in his view, and jokes that he should talk to someone about a recall. She points out that they're in a psychiatrist's office, so it's kind of embarrassing, and he agrees that she's right, makes a series of quirky facial expressions, and smarms, "So let's address the obvious and move on: what's wrong with you?" She stares at him, and he leans forward to enunciate, "What. Is wrong. With you." She responds that if she knew, she wouldn't be there. He considers her and announces, "You're not an alcoholic, yet. You ODed at least once. Pills, I'd say. Muscle relaxants, definitely." He looks hopeful as she reveals, "Painkillers." He deduces that she didn't really want to hurt herself and, "Kurt Cobain? Yeah, he wanted to hurt himself." Throughout this scene, Oliver Trask is distractingly sweaty-lipped. It's like they employ a makeup person solely for attending to the creation of realistic lip sweat. When Marissa snits that going to therapy wasnt her idea, Oliver Trask agrees that it might not have been, but that she wouldn't be there if she didn't want to be. He metas, "You wanna know why you are the way you are." As the patient emerges from the office, he points to Marissa and explains that he's "waiting on the door." As she heads inside, Oliver returns to his book, pledging to see her week.

Close-up of Seth's cute red shoes. He lies on the couch as the camera indiscreetly pans over a glass jarful of blue Christmas balls. Ryan enters, asking how it went with the girls. In response, Seth offers Ryan up his very own Seth Cohen Starter Pack. Ryan declines: "I think I'm past that now." Aw. He waggles his stocking in Seth's direction, and Seth perks up to ask if that's what he thinks it is? Ryan reveals that he thought he'd hang it. Seth's all, "All right, man! Another Chrismukkah convert!" He never doubted it for a moment, though, and even put the hook up just in case! As they head toward the mantel, Sandy and Kirsten enter, Sandy goofily offering up their movie choices: Fiddler on the Roof, It's a Wonderful Life, or "Sylvester Stallone's Over The Top." Seth laughingly asks if that's "the arm-wrestling movie," and Sandy corrects -- in a dead-on Sly Stallone imitation (seriously? I feel for you if you missed it) -- "Arm-wrestling classic." Seth presents Sandy and Kirsten with the rejected Seth Cohen Starter Packs, wishing them "Merry Chrismukkah." Sandy shakes the package and looks at Seth in curiosity, while Kirsten is focused on something else in the room. Sandy and Seth follow her gaze to the fireplace, where Ryan is abashedly hanging his stocking. Aw. The expression of joy on Kirsten's face is so perfect it gets another "aw." This is an aw-filled episode. Ryan turns to see them watching him, raises his eyebrows, and walks away, obviously not wanting any fuss. As Ryan joins the family across the room, Sandy puts his arm around him. The camera closes in on the four stockings, some of which have Jewish stars on their toes. Hee. Then, we cut to a Christmas card featuring the three Cohens (one of whom is clad in a fetching reindeer sweater -- guess who!) and a smiling Ryan. Aw. Aw. Aw. And aw.

In two weeks on The O.C., Marissa can't wait to celebrate the new year with Ryan. She says, "I love you." He says, "Thank you." Also, Kirsten's sister comes home. In her underwear. And then there's some double-dog-daring between Kirsten and Sandy at a swingers' party.