Cheerful, squeaky music plays as we pan across water to coastline to houses and swimming pools to The Big House. Inside, Seth, in his bathrobe and boxers, boogies down the hallway to a happy Dandy Warhols song. As he disappears into the step from the hallway to the kitchen, the music halts; he reappears in the kitchen, hobbling, holding his head, and wondering aloud to Sandy if he has a fever "and/or the chills." Ryan skeptically asks, "Since when?" and Seth evasively responds, "Since recently." Sandy asks whether Seth's not feeling well, and Seth plaintively insists that he's fine, before producing a hammy cough. He further Buellers that his head is achy and his stomach is weird. Sandy feels his forehead while Seth makes puppy-dog eyes at him. Sandy concludes that Seth doesn't feel warm, and Seth hopefully asks, "What about cold or clammy?" When Ryan innocently proposes, "Maybe you've got the Summer flu?" Seth looks pleased for the backup and babbles that it's entirely possible. Ryan then pointedly continues, "Maybe you need some Anna-biotics." He stares Seth down for emphasis. All of this flies right past Sandy's head (or perhaps the eyebrows are obscuring his peripheral vision), as he asks whether Seth doesn't want to go to school. Seth insists that he does, but that he's "worried about infecting others." Sandy catches on, concluding that Seth is right; he suggests that they go straight to the emergency room, just to be sure. Seth agrees, but proposes an alternative: he can stay home and try to sleep it off! And maybe during that time, he and Ryan can steal Sandy's car, run off to the city, visit some museums, take a hot tub, and end up singing "Danke Schoen" on a float in a parade. Ryan suggests another option: Seth could go to school, face Ryan and Anna, and apologize. Seth responds, "First of all: uh, no. Second of all: hmm, no. Why would I?" Sandy looks amused by this exchange; his face lights up as he deduces, "Oh! The Summer flu! I just got it!" He crosses the kitchen to pat Ryan on the back and congratulate him: "That was good." Seth adds that it wasn't his fault both girls tried to kiss him on Thanksgiving -- what was he supposed to do? Not kiss back? Say "no" or "stop"? He didn't want to risk hurting their feelings! Sandy doubles back across the kitchen to point out that Seth already hurt their feelings. Seth agrees that he might have, but what about his feelings? He was the one who was assaulted! He's the victim here!
A robed Kirsten enters the kitchen wondering why Seth's not dressed yet. Sandy points out that she's not dressed either, adding, "Or is that what ladies are wearin' these days to yogilates?" When he tells Kirsten that Taryn called to remind her about the day's yogilates workshop, Seth's all, "Okay, Mom? Yogilates?" Kirsten groans and says she doesn't think she'll go because she's not feeling well. Seth says, "See? It's contagious!" but Sandy points out that she might still be hung over. Kirsten disbelievingly asks, "From what?" and Seth mocks, "Uh, gee. I don't know. Getting drunk and passing out on Thanksgiving?" As Kirsten claims that she only had two glasses of wine, Sandy emits a doubting "Whoa!" Kirsten corrects herself that she had three glasses of wine, and Seth flashes ten fingers at Ryan, mouthing, "Ten!" However many glasses of wine she had, Kirsten is sure that Lady Heather has already spread the word that she has a drinking problem. Sandy suggests that's exactly why she has to go to yogilates -- because "those chatty little Noopsies" will just assume she's home sleeping off another bender. Ryan pipes up that, likewise, Summer and Anna will both assume Seth is too afraid to face them. Seth responds, "Hey! I'm not afraid of Summer and Anna, all right? Well, I'm not afraid of Anna." Hee. Sandy and Ryan conclude that Seth and Kirsten are going to school and yogilates, respectively. Kirsten whines that Sandy just likes saying "yogilates," which is good, because I just like hearing him say it. He happily responds, "Yogilates? I kind of do." Grinning, and heaving his eyebrows at Kirsten (because "raising" doesn't cut it in Peter Gallagher's case), he zestfully repeats various pronunciations of the word "yogilates." Kirsten joins Seth at the kitchen table, failing to understand why Sandy and Ryan are acting so smug. Seth proposes that it's because, for once, they didn't do anything wrong. Sandy agrees that it's true; he and Ryan earnestly toast each other before turning to stare down Kirsten and Seth. Kirsten advises them to enjoy it because -- knowing the two of them -- it won't last long. Sandy tips his coffee mug her way and enthusiastically proclaims, "Yogilates."
Tinkling.
Harbor School. We join a classroom as a teacher explains that class presentations will account for one third of their final grades along with term papers and the final exam. As he adds that the class will be divided into two-person teams, each responsible for presenting a detailed account of a pivotal account or period in European history, Marissa slips Ryan a note that reads, "We could do The Crusades?" She grins at him suggestively. I wasn't a particularly strong in history, so perhaps that's why I'm completely missing what's the least bit suggestive about The Crusades. I mean sure, there's the whole thing where you dress in armor, travel the world on horseback, and slaughter anyone who doesn't accept Christianity, but that's just too obvious. Also, Mischa Barton may not look like a sixteen-year-old, but -- if that's truly her handwriting on the note -- she at least has a sixteen-year-old's penmanship. It's got everything but the hearts over the i's. From across the classroom, Luke watches this exchange and looks away in disgust, but not before he and Ryan pissily make eye contact. The oblivious teacher adds that despite a few partnership requests, out of fairness to the other students, he's selected the teams at random. The camera closes in on Marissa's reaction to this for some odd reason; I say it's "odd" because she hardly reacts at all. So why show it, then? The teacher begins announcing the pairs, and I don't know who Laura and Kenny are, but they'll be presenting the French Revolution. up, as no one is the least bit surprised to learn: Ryan and Luke, who get the Spanish Inquisition. We also learn that Bobby has to work with Stephanie on the Protestant Reformation, and that Stephanie is not even listening! As the teacher tries to get her attention, we see various non-reaction shots from Marissa, Luke, and Ryan to the unlikely partnerships. Apparently, they've all been suddenly paralyzed and can only communicate these reactions through a series of slow blinks.
Promenade. Lunchtime. As Marissa, Ryan, and Seth carry their trays toward a table, Seth reacts, "You and Luke? Holy unholy alliances!" Marissa snits that she asked the teacher a week ago if she and Ryan could be partners in order to avoid a situation like this. How annoying! I hated kids like that! Marissa reveals that her partner is Marcy Ross and that they're doing Cortez and the Aztecs. Seth enthuses that he likes Marcy Ross: "She's got a good smile on her. It's innocent, but it's knowing." Marissa asks whether he's going after Marcy now too, and Seth whines that he's the victim here! Marissa snits, "Don't tell me; tell Summer. And Anna. And hey? Eventually? You might wanna tell Marcy too." Seth pointedly turns to ask Ryan what he and Luke are presenting, then side-talks to Marissa, "That was me ignoring you, by the way." When Ryan reveals their plans to meet at Luke's house after school, Seth asks, "You're goin' into the belly of the beast? You're gonna go into the heart of darkness?" Marissa claims that it's not that bad, and that Luke and Ryan might even end up as friends, leading Seth to emit a small whimper. Ryan asks whether Marissa really thinks that, and she quickly responds that she doesn't, because it's just too weird -- her ex-boyfriend hanging out with her boyfriend? I mean, it's not like this is high school or anything where everyone's boyfriend is automatically someone else's ex-boyfriend. Anyway, Marissa continues, what do Luke and Ryan have to talk about? Seth can only think of one thing. Marissa looks alarmed by the thought of them talking about her, and Ryan shoots her an exaggerated grin.
Jimmy's Non-Beautiful Blue Bachelor Pad. He enters, followed by Sandy, who is saying that he talked to his guy at the SEC and to Jimmy's clients, all of whom agreed to drop the charges if Jimmy makes full restitution by January 1. Jimmy whines that that means selling the house, and Sandy adds that it also means avoiding criminal prosecution and jail time. Jimmy moans that he can't sell the house because it's almost the holidays, and he won't do that to Lady Heather and Caitlyn. Sandy rebuts that they wouldn't need to move out right now, and that Jimmy could have the house shown when Lady Heather and Caitlyn aren't home. Jimmy points out that Lady Heather could say "no": after all, her name is on the title, and she might refuse to sell. Sandy asks what choice she has, because she can't afford to live there if Jimmy is in jail. Call me crazy, but Lady Heather really is getting the shaft in this situation. In any case, Jimmy says that maybe Lady Heather can afford to live in the house now that she's got Caleb in her pocket. Because they're men having a manly conversation, they drink beer.
Harbor School. Bathroom stalls. Summer's voice rings out, "You had lunch with him?" Toilets flush. Marissa exits her stall, explaining that she had lunch with Ryan, and that "Seth was just, you know, there." Marissa washes her hands as Summer bitches that she can't believe Marissa -- where's her loyalty? She then quickly asks, "What did he say?" Marissa insists that it was nothing, and that she's not getting involved. Summer thinks that means he said something, and continues to press Marissa over what Seth said. And really. What's Summer doing in that bathroom stall, anyway? Presumably, the girls entered at the same time, but Marissa is already scrubbed up and exiting the bathroom. She runs into Anna, who is on her way in, just as Summer repeats, "What did he say?" Anna responds, "What did who say?" Summer opens the door yelling, "Seth!" and then sees Anna and snits, "Oh. It's you." Anna whips out her dental floss as Summer watches and concludes, "You're like. Flossing. At school." Anna Madonnas, "Do you have any idea how much bacteria accumulates in your mouth between lunch and dinner?" She resumes flossing as Summer snarks, "No, but the fact that you do tells me everything." Hee. Summer fixes her hair, pauses, and then proclaims that Anna can have Seth, because she's done. When Anna says she'll pass too, Summer concludes, "Right. Because you couldn't possibly be interested in someone who's interested in me." Anna stares at her before earnestly responding, "No. Because I couldn't possibly be interested in someone who treats women that way." Summer considers this with an emphatic "Oh." Then, she smiles at herself in the mirror and asks, "So how much bacteria? Like a lot? Anna flips her the floss and states, "A lot." The girls grin at themselves in the mirror, and then turn to grin at each other.
Seth's Cheerful Squeaky "Girl Trouble" Theme Song flares. He rounds the corner and runs into Anna, who is just exiting the bathroom. Her hairstyle in this scene is startlingly bad. Seth rushes to explain that he was hoping to run into her; at that moment, Summer emerges, as well. A flustered Seth rambles, "Hi Summer...and Anna? Hanging out...together! Wow! Wow! That's, uh, that's awkward." Anna quietly says, "Not really," and Seth responds, "Well, I meant for me." He asks how they are -- good? Getting along? Anna holds her ground much better than Summer does throughout this exchange; she looks angry and challenged, while Summer just looks upset. Preying on Seth's obvious discomfort, Anna announces that she and Summer were just headed to the library to do some research. Summer's all, "We were?" and then catches on: "Yeah! The library! For books!" She adds that they're also going shopping, and they head off together agreeing that it "sounds good." Seth watches them go, and then sadly concludes, "That doesn't sounds good...at all."
Gym. Various Noopsies stretch. Kirsten enters, wearing a pretty green cardigan. She greets them, and only one Noopsie -- previously known as Noopsie #1 -- appears to have kept her job as a Noopsie since the last time we saw them. I knew she was connected. She is joined this week by a curly-headed Noopsie (hereafter known as Noopsie #4) and a brunette, sex kitten, scenery-chewing Noopsie (hereafter known as Noopsie #5). They watch in amusement as Kirsten enters; Noopsie #4 feigns surprise to see her, while Noopsie #1 snides, "How you feelin', sweetie?" Noopsie #5 applies lotion and explains, "Julie told us you were...'under the weather'...at Thanksgiving?" The quotes are strongly implied by her tone of voice. Upset, Kirsten says, "She did?" as the Noopsies chime in to agree that the holidays can be stressful. They head out of the locker room, as Lady Heather appears -- wearing a cute, if overdone, yogilates outfit -- chasing after them to wait up. Kirsten calls her name and, looking caught, Lady Heather turns to face her. She asks how Kirsten's feeling, and Kirsten's voice rises as she asks: did Lady Heather tell everyone that Kirsten was drunk at Thanksgiving? Lady Heather claims that the others were wondering where Kirsten was, which Kirsten curtly rebuts: "I was at the office. Working." Lady Heather insists that it's okay because they're all friends, and Kirsten's all, "Well, if we're all friends? Why don't you start acting like one?" Lady Heather looks suitably reprimanded.
Doorbell. We see Ryan's puggy face all pressed up against the glass portion of the door before a friendly woman answers. She announces that Luke just got home, but that he'll be right down. At that moment, two boys run into the room, fighting over what may or may not be a knife, a belt, or a lizard of some sort. They both have spiky hair with what appear to be tipped highlights. Luke's mother introduces them to Ryan; they pause to sneer his way, and then resume fighting. Mrs. Ward asks who wants a snack, and both boys enthusiastically do! She turns to ask Ryan kindly if he wants something, but he's silent at the offer. This goes without saying, but there are no snacks in Chino. Well, maybe Fruit Roll-Ups and popcorn balls.
We see the profile of Luke's father through the glass door through which Ryan peered moments ago. It's oddly ominous, but maybe that's because I knew what was coming. Anyway, he enters, and the boys greet him hopefully, asking if he'll play ball with them later. He can't, because he's just home to drop off Mrs. Ward's car. Some brief car talk ensues, and then Mr. and Mrs. Ward make a show of kissing. She introduces Ryan, explaining that Luke and Ryan are doing a school project together. When Ryan reveals that the topic is the Spanish Inquisition, Mr. Ward responds that it's not one of Western civilization's proudest moments, self-mocking that he was a history major at USC, but now sells cars for a living. Mrs. Ward clucks that Ryan shouldn't listen to him -- he owns three auto dealerships! Luke bounds down the stairs with a "God, mom. Brag much?" and Mr. Ward explains that she's just proud of him. Luke announces that he and Ryan have a lot of work to do, and should just get it over with. Mr. Ward also excuses himself, but not before telling Ryan to keep Luke "on his toes." It's a strange piece of dialogue to include, and if it's there primarily to demonstrate what a jovial, cool dad Mr. Ward is, then it's just off. Lazy writing, people; it was bound to make an appearance sometime. Mr. Ward calls Luke back to tell him that there's a big USC/Notre Dame game this Saturday; he thought they'd drive up in the morning and tailgate. He doesn't know if Ryan is a "Trojan man," but it's going to be as good game and he's more than welcome to join them. And again, the whole "Trojan man" bit? I sincerely hope that's an unfortunate coincidence as opposed to a sorely misguided pun. Luke and Ryan exchange an uncomfortable look at the thought of attending a game together. Then, Luke's brothers struggle back into the room, still tussling over what more and more appears to be a reptile of some sort.
Upstairs. Luke sits at his desk, asking how Ryan wants to go about the project. He then dorks out, explaining that he got a bunch of stuff at the library and pulled stuff off the web; he thought they could do a screen show with his product-placed computer. He happily brags about the laser printer and film scanner at his father's office, suggesting that they compile the information at his house, then head over there. Luke interprets Ryan's shock as disagreement and snides, "Or maybe not." Ryan recovers to smile shyly and agree that it sounds good.
Close-up of Jimmy's hairy feet. He taps them as he calls Lady Heather, who explains that she's packing up Marissa's winter things and will drop them off in the morning if it's okay with him. She asks what's going on, and he reveals that he met with Sandy, and it looks like he's got to pay everything back by January 1. Lady Heather complains that it's the holidays, but Jimmy insists that he doesn't have any other choice. She asks what she and Caitlyn are supposed to do -- where will they live? When Jimmy suggests that they go to her parents' house or to Caleb, she makes a frustrated hand gesture, and then tells him that they can't, and they shouldn't have to. It's her house, too -- and Caitlyn's -- and they're not selling. Jimmy whines that he could go to jail; Lady Heather sighs and responds, "Maybe you should, Jimmy. Have you ever thought about that? Maybe you deserve to go to jail." She hangs up the phone; Jimmy listens to the dial tone.
Ryan and Luke enter the dealership, calling for Mr. Ward. Luke concludes that he must have gone home, as they approach something that looks like a motorcycle with four small wheels. And as I've said before, I know nothing about cars. Nor do I care to, so please hold off on the lesson-bearing emails. Luke explains that the dealership is giving them away. Because no one except a four-year-old needs a four-wheeled motorcycle? His head swivels as his eyes fix on something else: a car. It's red and shiny. I like the shiny. Luke recites a list of the car's attributes to Ryan, and hops in. The camera pans over the inside of the car, which looks no different than the inside of my car, which is neither shiny nor red. Luke urges Ryan to get in; Ryan grins and does so, carrying his books. As the boys sit side by side, Ryan groans, "Wow, man." Luke cranks up the radio. They sit. Through the dealership's front window, Ryan notices Mr. Ward; Luke explains that he's with his business partner, Gus, and that Luke and Ryan should go say hello. Ryan and Luke follow the men, who suddenly clasp hands; Luke's father raises the other man's hand to his lips and kisses it. That's romance, people. Take a note. Then the men kiss each other, and it's a real kiss, too. Kudos to The O.C. for not hyping its shock value to get viewers, but I suppose the whole "shocking secret" bit wasn't much better. In any case, the camera cuts back to Luke's shocked face, then to a concerned Ryan. Luke spins to go, and trips over a car, setting off its alarm. The boys scramble to pick up Luke's dropped papers, and Mr. Ward and Gus slowly advance toward them. Luke threatens Ryan in a whisper not to tell anyone, and then takes off. Ryan follows. Mr. Ward chases after them, looking alarmed and dismayed. Commercial.
Poolhouse. Marissa enters, apologizing for being late and explaining that she slept through her alarm. Ryan nonchalantly excuses her and quickly gives her a kiss. She asks how it went last night, since he didn't call her, and Ryan dodgily responds that he and Luke were working pretty late. Marissa asks if he met Luke's mom, because she's really great! Ryan agrees that she seemed nice. Marissa's sure Luke's dad was out of town, and Ryan clarifies that he was actually there. Surprised, Marissa explains that Luke's father has dealerships in other cities and is always traveling. Ryan grunts a "huh" and scurries around the room, avoiding eye contact. Marissa catches on and asks "What?" When Ryan claims it's nothing -- he just needs some coffee -- Marissa laughs that she knew they were going to talk, so what did Luke say about her? Ryan again insists he has nothing to tell her, and Marissa snits toward the door to get Seth. Ryan calls her back, and she pauses, alarmed by his serious tone. He reveals that something happened last night, but that he told Luke he wouldn't say anything. She worries over whether Luke is okay, and then implores Ryan to tell her. He makes her promise not to tell anyone -- not even Summer -- because he's not even telling Seth. Marissa urges him to trust her, promising that she won't say a word. Presumably, he does, though we don't see it.
Marissa and Ryan enter the kitchen as Seth announces, "Well! Apparently some of us are on central time." Ryan apologizes for their lateness as Seth slurps coffee and asks how Ryan's "date" with his "new study buddy" was. Ryan doesn't acknowledge the question, instead asking if Marissa wants something to eat for the road. Seth jumps in that he would like something for the road: "It's called gossip." He asks if there was "any, uh, any cross-burning? Any, uh, goose-stepping? Small Taiwanese family locked in the basement? What?" Ryan's evasively responds, "Not so much," and turns his attention back to Marissa, asking if she'd like a fruit or bagel. She agrees to a bagel, pretending she actually eats carbs. Seth doesn't buy it (the Luke stuff, not the carb-eating, although probably that too) as Marissa unconvincingly pretends to leaf through a magazine. Seth points out that Ryan went behind enemy lines: "The parents? What's the deal? Cyborgs? Supremacists? Vegans?" Hee. And although the line of questioning is cute, it doesn't make much sense, because if Seth really wanted to know about the Wards, Marissa would know more than anyone, and he's had months worth of opportunity to ask her what they're like. Ryan doesn't quite lie when he says he and Luke just ended up at Luke's father's dealership looking at cars, and Seth looks amazed. He jokingly asks, "Friends now?" and appears shocked to get no response -- just a stare -- from Ryan. Marissa, meanwhile, continues to pretend to read, revealing that Mischa Barton literally interpreted the direction to "bury [her] head" in a magazine. Seth concludes, "First Summer and Anna. Now you and Luke."
Harbor School. As Ryan, Marissa, and Luke walk through the school grounds, Seth details yesterday's encounter with Summer and Anna. He can't believe they were together, and Marissa points out that stranger things have happened. Seth exclaims, "These are two people who hate each other! Brought together by their even greater hatred of me!" He adds that it's like "Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader teaming up to destroy the Emperor!" Ryan, meanwhile, has spotted Luke in a group of students; he walks over and says, "Hi. We should talk about --" but Luke cuts him off, snapping, "We got nothing to talk about!" Ryan completes his sentence: "-- the presentation," and Luke snits that he'll finish it himself. The group walks on, but not before Seth gets Luke's usual "What are you looking at, queer?" Seth asks, "Is someone writing you new material?" adding, when Luke just stares him down, "All right. Go with what works." Luke heads in the opposite direction, but not without a last threatening look at Ryan. Seth concludes that this means Luke and Ryan aren't friends after all, which he finds "oddly comforting." As Seth goes ahead, Marissa earnestly tells Ryan, "I promise."
Seth's Cheerful Squeaky "Girl Trouble" Theme Song. He enters the library, heads toward one table, reconsiders, and then joins Anna who is seated at another table and wearing an oversized fuzzy pink hat. Seriously. It's fugly. Maybe if it wasn't twenty times too big for her head, and if she wasn't wearing every other color in the crayon box all at once, it would be okay. But actually, no. It would still suck. Anna stares as Seth small-talks, "So, hey! Big test!" She's all, "You know what? Don't," and stomps angrily to another table. Summer enters, glances at Seth, and then joins Anna as Seth's all, "Hey! Wanna....over there?" Hee. In the background, we see Summer and Anna do the whole "seat taken?" thing as an uncomfortable Seth fusses in the foreground of the shot. The girls talk about an upcoming test, and Anna tells Summer not to worry because all she needs to remember is, "Kittens Prefer Chicken Or Fish Generally Speaking." And how is "generally speaking," easy to remember, anyway? When Summer's all, "Excuse me?" Anna laughs and puts her neck into the explanation with, "Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species." Summer marvels that Anna is "like, really smart, huh?" When Anna asks, "Compared to what?" Summer earnestly responds, "Well? Me." Anna sweetly tells Summer that she's smart, too, and Summer agrees that she's smart enough to sit to Anna. Aw. Except ew. Except I just don't even know anymore! Summer asks, "What was that kitten thing again?" and Anna repeats the mnemonic. She suggests that if Summer isn't a cat person, she could go with "King Philip Comes Over For Good Sex," instead. Except then I'd be all, "Well was it King Philip? Or King Henry? Or maybe King Andrew? Or wait -- was it Prince Philip?" and then I'd just be all screwed up. In any case, Summer prefers this option and laughs, "Definitely not a cat person." The girls laugh and giggle. The sound amplifies; Seth covers his ears.
Post-yogilates. Kirsten joins Lady Heather in the locker room and whines that she's so sore; is Lady Heather? Lady Heather says she's fine, snitting that Kirsten must not have stretched properly. Kirsten asks whether Lady Heather is okay: Sandy told her about the house. The other Noopsies, meanwhile, pretend to apply lotion and fiddle with towels while watching the two women. Lady Heather proclaims that there's nothing to tell; she's not selling! Kirsten chases after her, offering that if Lady Heather and Caitlyn need a place to live, she or Caleb can help find them a house. Lady Heather scoffs, "Not according to Caleb," who thinks it will compromise their relationship. Kirsten can't believe he said that, and Lady Heather further explains that she told him that if it's true he can't help her find a new home, they don't have to have a relationship anymore, so now they don't. Kirsten had no idea and is sorry. Lady Heather snits that Kirsten should be celebrating; she urges Kirsten to go ahead and tell everyone that she was dumped by Caleb, Jimmy's going to jail, and Lady Heather has no place to live! She asks what Kirsten is waiting for, because it's her chance to get even after Thanksgiving. In response, Kirsten quietly tells Lady Heather to let her know if she needs anything. At that moment, Noopsie #1 dashes into the locker room, gleefully announcing that she has news after running into someone on the elliptical trainer who had her car serviced that morning. She beckons the group in closer, makes them promise not to tell anyone, and then dramatically clears her throat.
Cut to the country club. As they lunch, Sandy commends Jimmy's golf skills: he didn't know he could play like that! Jimmy credits his skills to "creative visualization" -- he just pictures Lady Heather's head as the golf ball. Sandy instructs him to get a realtor and show the house. When Jimmy begins to argue, Sandy suggests that Lady Heather will change her mind when word spreads that the SEC is investigating her as a possible co-conspirator. Jimmy asks whether they are, and Sandy offers, "I could make a call." Well, that's not very Sandy-like! The bill arrives, followed by some darty-eyed awkwardness until Sandy offers to get it. Jimmy -- who, we find out in this scene, doesn't always wear blue, having donned a red shirt instead -- announces that Sandy's been incredibly cool with him, "considering....everything." He adds that he really appreciates that Sandy hasn't said anything, but that he's only "heard it" from Kirsten's point of view, and Jimmy wants Sandy to hear it from him. Sandy grows increasingly concerned as Jimmy rises to his feet, claiming that the whole thing was a huge mistake and he's very sorry. Sandy's all, "Jimmy. What the hell are you talkin' about?" Jimmy can't believe Kirsten didn't tell Sandy; he lowers his head, stutters, and reseats himself, slowly explaining that he was lost when Lady Heather kicked him out, so when Kirsten came over to help him set up his place, he kissed her. With this disclosure, the camera pans in very, very slowly on Sandy's shocked expression, as Jimmy rambles that Kirsten was totally mortified, Jimmy apologized immediately, and Kirsten left right away. He suggests that she didn't tell Sandy because she didn't want to hurt him over nothing. He concludes, "Which. Now. I've done." Sandy looks away, and then locks eyes with Jimmy as he says, "Creative visualization, Jimmy. I'm tryin' hard not to see your head as somethin' I should hit." Jimmy repeats his apology, insisting that he didn't want any secrets between them. Sandy's cell phone rings, and as he answers it, he snides to Jimmy, "Mission accomplished." It's Kirsten on the phone -- she has some news, and she's only telling Sandy.
Cut to Summer, popping up in front of Marissa, all, "OhymyGod, Coop. You are not going to believe this!" She asks if Marissa heard about Luke's dad. Marissa doesn't answer, but Seth's all, "I haven't heard about Luke's dad."
Cut to Seth, hustling through the Harbor School's hallways looking for Ryan. He finds him, announcing that he has crazy news. Ryan asks whether it's about Seth's "women problems," which sounds an awful lot like he's got cramps or something. Seth, who takes Midol, insists that it's "definitely not." Before he has a chance to spread the news, two boys walk down the hallway past Luke, joking that his dad's favorite shows are Dawson's Crack and Everwoody. Ryan walks toward Luke, who immediately asks whom he told. Ryan apologizes, but Luke shoves him against the locker and runs off. He slams into Seth, and then turns back to tell Ryan he's dead.
Outside, Marissa runs toward Ryan, distraught that everyone knows. Ryan angrily asks whom she told, and she insists that she didn't tell anyone. He asks if Summer did, and then repeats that he asked her not to tell. She asks why he's assuming she told, and he responds, "Because I'm the only one who knew. And you're the only one who told." Burn! Marissa firmly states, "I didn't. Tell. Anyone." Ryan snits that he never should have told her in the first place, and she tearfully agrees that he shouldn't have, since he obviously doesn't trust her. Marissa stomps off, saying he can find his own ride home. He watches her go.
The Big House. Kirsten arranges flowers by the pool; she greets Sandy, and then marvels over the Wards' situation and how fast the word traveled. Sandt's all laconic, replying, "Sometimes." She asks if everything's okay, and he curtly responds, "It's not." She begins to ask what's wrong, and he says it's "well-covered territory" between them: Jimmy Cooper. Kirsten looks caught, as Sandy adds that he's trying not to sound "too high-school," but: "He kissed you?" In response, Kirsten chooses the unsatisfactory "He told you?" Sandy adds that Jimmy apparently didn't want there to be any secrets between them, but apparently Kirsten doesn't feel the same way. Kirsten insists that she does, and pleads that the kiss meant nothing. He nods and sadly says that, putting his own skepticism about that remark aside, if it meant nothing, why didn't she tell him? When she claims it would have upset him, he snarks, "Thank you. Because I feel so much better having heard it from someone else." Kirsten continues to apologize as Sandy highlights all the "suspicion and paranoia" she had regarding Sandy's relationship with Rachel, while she's been "sittin' on this." As he turns to leave, Kirsten stops him, again imploring that the kiss means nothing. He lowers his head: "It means somethin' to me."
Inside. Dinner table. Clinking flatware. Seth thinks it's great: "After all the years of Luke callin' me gay. I don't know, I think it's great that now the shoe's on the other -- actually it's on his dad's foot, but you get the symmetry I'm goin' for." Sandy snaps that it's not funny: the Wards' marriage is over and their lives are irreparably changed. Kirsten heard that Mrs. Ward is filing for divorce, and Ryan volunteers that they seemed so happy when he was over there. Seth's all, "Yeah? By 'happy,' do you mean...'gay'?" He whispers the "gay" part. Kirsten tells him to cut it out. I do too. Because, of the myriad things Adam Brody does adorably, "gay slurring" is not one of them. Ryan wonders how people can be married for that long with that kind of secret; Sandy responds that Ryan would be surprised, but that the secrets eventually come out. Kirsten rebuts that some marriages can handle the truth. Seth, meanwhile, grinningly looks back and forth between his mom and dad, trying to figure out what's going on. He guesses that people will be accepting of Luke's dad because they're such a tolerant bunch. He clarifies that the joke was "at the expense of Orange County...not Luke's dad. His big. Gay. Dad."
Locker room. Noopsie #5 asks if the others saw Mr. Ward's arms: "What straight guy has arms like that?" Noopsie #4 volunteers that she and her husbands went to see The Lion King with the Wards, and that Carson Ward wept. Noopsie cackling ensues. Noopsie #5 sexpots, "All these years I've known him, he's never once made a pass at me. I feel so much better." Across the room, Lady Heather and Kirsten witness this conversation in dismay, and Kirsten moans that she can't be here right now. Lady Heather mulls it over, and then asks if Kirsten has eaten. Kirsten quickly asks what Lady Heather had in mind, and Lady Heather responds, "Fried food and beer." This works for Kirsten who announces that the first round is on her. They hurry out of the locker room.
Harbor School. Marissa and Ryan arrive at class and ignore each other. The teacher tells everyone to take their seats, and then pointedly asks if anyone has seen Luke. No one -- not even Marissa's legs -- has.
Library. Anna and Summer make plans for after school because, according to Summer, "the flashcards will be done by then." And why does the fact that Summer is preparing flashcards endear her to me? Anna's hair, by the way, is greatly improved in this scene. Seth approaches and asks to speak with them, because he owes both an enormous apology. He clarifies, "Actually, I guess technically I owe two apologies -- each one tailored to the specific wrongs visited against the specific person." He continues rambling, but Summer urges him to get to the point. He says, "I'm sorry, okay. And, I'm sorry. And I'm also sorry that I apologized to her first, it's just, you know, chronologically, I'm tryin' --" Now it's Anna's turn to hurry him, and he gets to the point: nothing in his life to date prepared him for what happened on Thanksgiving. He's not trying to make excuses for what he's doing, but he's got this in his defense: "You can't really blame me for wantin' the company of either of you two. And I know that I hurt your feelings and I feel bad about that, I do. But please believe me when I say that it wasn't intentional, okay? 'Cause I'd never do anything to ruin our friendship...or...ships." Seth knows that he has no right to ask, but he hopes that someday they can both forgive him. Throughout this speech, the girls are visibly softening, and by its conclusion they are like two warm puddles of chocolate and vanilla pudding. When Seth leaves, they hurriedly pack up their schoolbooks; Anna announces that she never really liked flashcards, which Summer thinks is good, because she studies better alone. They rush off in opposite directions.
The Only Other Restaurant in Orange County. Kirsten laments how much the Noopsies enjoy gossip. Lady Heather responds that she can't exactly claim she didn't once enjoy "witnessing the fall of the rich and fabulous," but when she became "homeless," it suddenly wasn't so funny. Kristen argues that Caleb really wouldn't let Lady Heather go "homeless" (and I have to put "homeless" in quotes is because its use is so offensively cavalier throughout this episode); Lady Heather reveals that Caleb "went into a panic" when she mentioned the possibility of selling the house -- it was like she'd asked him for a ring! Kirsten laughs that it's "so him," and when Lady Heather adds that when she tried to explain, Kirsten jumps in to finish, "He didn't listen." Lady Heather adds, "Not a word!" Lady Heather asks if Kirsten likes being called "Kiki," and Kirsten's all, "Hate it." Lady Heather continues, "'Cause he kept calling me Juju. Like that candy that gets stuck in your teeth?" When she says she begged him to stop, Kirsten commiserates that when Caleb gets something in his head, it has to be his way. An awkward pause follows before Kirsten resignedly concludes, "It's just who he is." She says he can't spend more than three months longer with the same woman without freaking, and Lady Heather adds, "Oh, he freaked, all right." Kirsten wishes that she could tell Caleb what he's doing: he's trying to replace Kirsten's mother, but he can't. She wishes he'd stop trying and just be happy, but he's impossible to talk to. Lady Heather knows. Kirsten adds that the important thing is that Caleb finds someone to share his life with and enjoy these years, but she worries that he'll never figure it out. Apparently women commiserate over beer, too, but from glasses, not bottles. Kirsten takes a dainty sip.
Harbor School. Seth fumbles in his locker, and Summer appears before him with a shy "Hi." She says that his apology -- aside from being the first she's ever received from a boy -- was also the nicest. Seth smiles and insists that he meant it, so, that's good. Summer moves in closer to him, and flirtily asks what he's doing Saturday. Seth grins and then grins some more.
Still excited from this exchange, Seth walks down the hall grinning and rubbing his hands together. My husband -- who has watched this show once but who, I suspect will be watching it again (even though he won't admit it) -- had a beef with the conception of Seth's character; he thinks someone both handsome enough and funny would not be that much of an outcast in high school. ["Your husband and the TV critic at The New Yorker are of like mind." -- Wing Chun] But I remember those kids who walked around grinning and laughing to themselves. And it wasn't pretty. Anyway, Anna bounds toward Seth, pertly asking if he's going to lit mag, whether he wants to walk together. He cautiously asks, "Do you?" She emphatically does, and then oozes over his sweet apology; she could tell he really meant it because they both know "sincerity's not [his] strong point." He nods and says he's working on it; she'd like to help. When she asks what he's doing Saturday night, Seth purses his lips, considers, and finally announces, "Well, in the new spirit of sincerity. I have a date with Summer." Anna takes this in, and then asks, "What're you doing Friday night?" Speechless, he can only repeat, "What am I doing Friday night?"
Doorbell. Ward House. Marissa opens the door to find Ryan; he asks why she's there and she responds, "Same reason you are." Luke appears behind Marissa and nods a greeting in Ryan's direction; Ryan lowers his head and enters the house. He immediately notices packed bags in the foyer, and sobbing sounds echoing from unseen parts of the house. In the living room, Luke's brothers somberly watch what sounds like a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Luke announces that he owes Ryan an apology: he knows Ryan didn't say anything, because after they caught Carson, he came out to Luke's mom, who "wigged" and made a few calls, with the result that everyone in Newport found out in minutes. Ryan insists that it's okay, and says he wanted to know how Luke was doing. Mrs. Ward walks into the room; Luke greets her, but she just sobs up the stairs as Mr. Ward pleadingly chases after her. He pauses, before following her upstairs, to plead with Luke, who wears a steely expression to hold back his tears. Luke runs out of the house, leaving behind an uncomfortable Ryan and Marissa, and one sad dad.
Athletic fields. Luke paces with a beer in his hand, lamenting that his whole life has been a lie -- everything he thought he knew about his father. He ponders all of Carson's business trips and the games he missed because he was "working late." Luke doesn't know if "this guy" was the first, or if there were others, nor does he want to think about it. Marissa knows it's hard, but after everything she's been through with Jimmy, they've never been closer; in fact, they're finally able to be honest with each other. She thinks maybe Luke could have that with his dad, but Luke doesn't want to hear it. He throws himself onto a bench beside Ryan and, rebuffed, Marissa leaves to get her jacket because she's cold. Ryan takes a deep breath and says that even if Luke's dad wasn't honest with him, he still cared -- he made it to some of the games, after all. Luke dismisses him, and asks why it even matters. Ryan startles Luke by opening up, insisting that it does matter, especially if you have a dad who didn't make it to any of your games, and didn't even know or care what sport you played. Luke looks at Ryan. Ryan looks at Luke. Luke shakes his head and says that everything's just so screwed up. The thoughtful silence is interrupted by a grown man parading around as a high-school student. Seriously? That guy's agent should be shot. Actually, the agent got him the job, so maybe my anger is better directed at the casting agent. The "kid" looks like he could be Marissa's grandpa. He stands on the opposite side of a gate, and taunts Luke: "Isn't this romantic? A couple of Harbor butt pirates." Nice. Luke asks if there's a problem, "other than the fact that we kick your ass every year." Old Guy snides that there's no problem at all: he didn't mean to interrupt Luke and Ryan's date. He walks closer and mutters, "Fag." That's it for Luke; he throws himself at the gate, all, "What'd you call me?" He runs toward Old Guy; a wary Ryan thinks it over, and then follows. Luke shoves Old Guy, who laughs and tells him to save it for his boyfriend. Ryan, meanwhile, is insisting that they don't want to do this, but then Old Guy lobs his final insult: "Why don't you just run to your daddy?" Ryan and Luke exchange a look, and then Dylan And Brandon him. As he drops to the ground, they exchange a grin; then they notice Old Guy's gang headed their way. D'oh!
The Big House. Kirsten opens the door and Lady Heather, who is bearing a plant, bounds in to thank her, explaining that when she got home today, there was a message on the machine from Caleb. Kirsten starts to commiserate, but Lady Heather isn't finished. She called him back just to see if he's sorry, "which, P.S., he's not," but when he started in with excuses about feeling pressured, she remembered what Kirsten said at lunch and "let him have it." Kirsten is surprised as Lady Heather adds that she told him "he's scared, life's too short, all that stuff." Kristen grows increasingly bewildered as Lady Heather insists that Kirsten shouldn't worry -- Caleb doesn't think it came from Kirsten; he thinks Lady Heather came up with it herself! She then drops the bomb: the important thing is that it worked! Kirsten cautiously asks, "How so?" and Lady Heather enthuses that Caleb is buying her house as an investment! Jimmy's not going to jail! Lady Heather and Caitlyn have a place to live! Lady Heather concludes, "And who knows? Maybe some day, your -door neighbor will be your dad." Lady Heather suggests that Kirsten water the plant, and then bops off.
Close-up of a television screen. The giant, red Bugs Bunny hair monster squeezes through a doorway and chases after Bugs. His name, it turns out, is Gossamer, and he is a sneaker-wearing, solid mass of hair. And if I had to learn that, so do you. We're not at the Ward house as expected; it turns out Sandy is watching, too, while appearing to be very entertained. Seth works at the kitchen table, and Sandy asks him to ask "your mother" who was at the door. Seth looks confused, but relays the question. Kirsten does away with the whole "tell your father," bit and explains, "Julie Cooper, bearing gifts." Seth passes it on, even though Sandy is in perfect hearing distance. When Sandy tells Seth to ask "your mother" what Lady Heather wanted, Seth turns to Kirsten and says, "Dad wants to know what, what, what she...Better idea! Ask her yourself!" Kirsten clomps over to announce that Lady Heather sold her house, and Sandy's all "Oh!" Kirsten adds, "To my father," and Sandy's all, "Oh." He wishes she hadn't told him that.
The conversation is interrupted by the sound of the door and Ryan's greeting; he and Marissa enter, struggling to hold up the disheveled and beaten Luke. Kirsten runs to help, asking if they're okay, and Ryan responds that they lived through it this time. Kirsten's off to find the first aid kit while Sandy urges Luke to "have a seat." When Seth asks what happened, Luke replies, "I guess bad news travels fast." Sandy asks if Luke called his parents, but Luke would rather not. Sandy says it's all right: Luke can stay in the guest room. He then goes into the kitchen to call Luke's parents anyway. Back in the living room, Marissa looks at Seth, Seth looks at Ryan, and Ryan looks at Luke.
Outside, Marissa asks if Ryan is he needs a ride to school in the morning; Ryan asks whether she minds. Marissa admits that he was great with Luke, while Ryan still laments ever having told her in the first place. She snits, "Because I'll tell everyone, right?" and he says no -- because Luke asked him not to. Aw. Marissa reveals the "unwritten rule of relationships": he's allowed to tell his girlfriend because everything he says stays with her, and vice versa. Ryan considers this, and then skeptically asks whether she didn't tell anyone about how he went off on her when he thought she told. She says she didn't, and then amends this to add, "Well, I mean, just Summer." He nods, and whisperingly asks if she's going to tell Summer about this: a kiss. She assures him that it will stay just between the two of them. Headlights interrupt. They pause and stare in the glare.
Inside The Big House, Carson sadly looks out the window while Kirsten offers him "something to eat, scotch, Xanax." He declines, and then deduces that Luke's not coming down; Sandy explains that he's half asleep, and that it might be better if they talked in the morning. Carson says that he lied to Luke, and he lied to everyone. Even Sandy is momentarily without platitudes as Carson adds that the truth is that he has always loved his wife and family, but that he just didn't want to hurt anyone. He concludes, "And now he's up there, hurting." Sandy asks if there's anything they could do -- adopt him, perhaps? Carson declines, because he's embarrassed his family enough, and the best thing he can do right now is disappear. Sandy is over his silence and rushes to say that that's the worst thing he could do! It's what he's been doing all along! But coming out and being honest with himself and his family in this town? It's the bravest thing he could do! Carson looks grateful as Sandy adds that Carson's the kind of father any kid would be proud of. Then, as Carson insists that he should go, Luke appears in the doorway. They lock eyes, and Luke says he'll just grab his shoes and go with his father. Carson holds back those strange, happy-yet-not-happy tears.
Kirsten puts a kettle on the stove. And a kettle in the first act goes off in the third, so wait for it. Sandy enters the kitchen, and Kirsten says, "So, while we're being honest...." Sandy groans, "Oh God, there's more?" Kirsten compliments Sandy's impressive speech to Carson, and he cockily responds, "Well, you know I'm a pro at impressive speeches." She adds, "Right up until that line, yeah." When Sandy asks if Kirsten will tell him all her secrets from now on, she asks whether he'll tell her all of his. He doesn't think he has any, and Kirsten is surprised. Is he sure? Nothing from his past? No secret fantasies? "No hidden porn stash on the PC?" She cracks up at this last part and Sandy says, "No, 'cause obviously you already know about that one." Hee. Kirsten gets in his face, insisting that there's no way to know everything about someone, and "that's what keeps it interesting." Sandy agrees that it "hasn't been uninteresting." Kirsten claims that, at a certain point, you just have to just trust, and that's what love is. Sandy replies that Kirsten will have to trust that she can tell him things he might not want to hear. He says that they can handle it. She's all, "Like. Jimmy Cooper kissed me." He urges, "Trust me." They kiss. And. Kettle.
Harbor School. Parking lot. Students watch as Luke, Ryan, Marissa, and Seth make their entrance four-wide. The foursome comes to a stop as Luke frets that it will be weird. Ryan says, "Yup." Luke adds that everyone will be staring at him and talking. Marissa says, "Yup." Luke proposes that he just blow the whole thing off and go to the beach, giving everyone time to get it out of their systems, but Ryan knows it doesn't work like that: after months, he's still the kid from Chino who burned down a house. The camera pans to Marissa, who adds that she's still the girl who tried to kill herself in Mexico. The camera continues panning over to Seth who says, "I'm still...the...I'm still Seth Cohen." Luke concludes that this is going to suck, and it's Seth's turn to "Yup." He greets Luke: "Welcome to my world," and then takes to his skateboard down the path while Marissa, Ryan, and Luke follow. As the camera pans out, we see him spinning and doing tricks, and then stopping to wait for them. Aw.
, celebrate the holidays with a new episode of The O.C.! Marissa steals, and Seth thinks she's making Ryan's life interesting. Also, Sandy gets compared to a bloody stone. And Seth has to make a choice!