The Model Home

Previously on The O.C., Adam Brody was "Seth," and he was adorable! Ryan rode his bike and needed to have a plan -- a plan which was not to steal another car, crash it, and get thrown out again by his mom. Once semi-ensconced in the home of stalker Sandy, Ryan thought he could get in less trouble there than where he was from, and girl--door Marissa said he had no idea. Also, the immortal phrase "Welcome to the O.C., bitch!" was spewed by Marissa's potentially redeemable bohunk of a boyfriend, and Kirsten didn't want "this kid" in her house anymore.

Also previously on The O.C., I got a million emails from Mischa Barton defenders regarding my comments about her aged appearance. I realize that Mischa Barton -- the actress who plays Marissa -- is indeed seventeen years old. But she looks considerably older than that to me. I also think -- and I know I don't stand alone here -- that Jennifer Garner looks like a duck (albeit a lovely, incredibly physically fit, butt-kicking duck). That doesn't mean she is a duck, or that I think she is a duck; it just means I think she looks like a duck. I know that Mischa Barton is not, in truth, a forty-year-old. But that doesn't mean I can't think Mischa Barton looks like a forty-year-old. I never watched Once and Again (gasp!) so I can't speak for how she looked two years ago (or for the other Mischa Barton matter -- how superior an actress she might have been then). And I'm entirely sure it could be the result of reprehensibly poor lighting or bad makeup, but mine is not to make excuses. To me, girl looks old. Your emails can't change my mind.

And much as I enjoy the opportunity to watch and recap The O.C., ensuring taping of the entire show forces me to endure the final three minutes of American Juniors. The things I do.

All that aside, the second episode opens with beach shots and another song about California. And what is it about California, anyway? I live in Maryland, about which I can't think exists a single song, although Baltimore, come to think of it, does get mentioned in several ditties. New Jersey is my home state, and thanks to Mr. Bruce Springsteen, we have plenty of songs about it. But I suppose California's combination of coastal beauty and industry-related residents results in a plethora of tunes about it. Since they happen to be -- for the most part -- good tunes, more power to California. (Obviously -- and gubernatorial candidates, this is pointed at you -- California needs it.)

Now, the recap. I promise. We cut to an exterior shot of the Big House, where Sandy grills poolside. Seth and Ryan drift lethargically in the pool, and I challenge any actor to express "lethargy" as well as Benjamin McKenzie does. What's that? You say Dustin Hoffman? Well, okay. But anyone else? Sandy beckons them for dinner, before heading inside, where Kirsten is talking with her father on the phone, expositioning that she understands the importance of "the model home," and promising that they'll sell the lots by Christmas. Sandy spies on the boys through the window, wishing aloud that he could do more for Ryan. An exasperated Kirsten points out that he's Ryan's "lawyer, not his guardian." Sandy "I know, I know"s her, promising to take Ryan to Child Services in the morning. Kirsten is clearly conflicted; all steely-faced and crossed arms she implores, "What kind of mother just abandons her child?" The camera directly focuses on Kirsten, but Sandy's profile lingers in the foreground of the shot; we see him pause, and then his eyes subtly drop, suggesting to me that Sandy knows exactly what kind of mother abandons her child, and either Kirsten is missing this significant fact about her husband's life, or she's supremely insensitive. Either way, this moment is why Peter Gallagher -- despite, or perhaps because of, his magnificent eyebrows -- is a terrific actor, and why I maintain that this show is -- for the most part -- well executed. Kirsten asks what will happen if Ryan's mother doesn't turn up, and Sandy explains that Ryan will go "into the system," at which moment plenty of women and men across the country think, "I'll take him in my system." In any case, Ryan will be in foster care until he's eighteen, and Sandy admits that although they'll try to "place him," finding a family for a child his age will be impossible. The camera zooms in on Kirsten's distraught face. Throughout this conversation, we see a tray bearing approximately twenty-five ears of corn on the counter behind Sandy. How many stray kids are they feeding these days, anyway?

Back at the pool, the boys drift past each other on their matching blue-and-white-striped lounge floats. Ryan is puppy-faced -- and unless I say otherwise, at least until things are sorted in Ryan's personal life -- just assume that Ryan is always puppy-faced. Seth proposes that they do something special for Ryan's last night; he doesn't know what, exactly, but suggests that they "possibly get a couple of tattoos. Or some hooker and lose our virginity." Ryan looks over at him skeptically, which may be an expression of doubt that this is something they would actually do, but is more likely disbelief that Seth actually thinks he's still a virgin. Seth concludes, "Okay, dude, I don't know. There's a shark movie at the IMAX...if that's what you're into." This gets a smile from Ryan, but still, he just wants to take it easy tonight.

This week we get credits, which are set to Phantom Planet's "California," and are not particularly distinctive, except that they show a white dress-wearing, bouquet-laden Marissa coming down an aisle on the arm of her father, suggesting that she's getting married or coming out in the near future. "Coming out" in the debutante sense, so don't get all excited, all you Marissa/Summer shippers. There's also not nearly enough Adam Brody. Tinkle, tinkle, tink.

We're in the pool house at night, and here's one more reason to love Seth: wouldn't any other teenager object if some new kid came into his house and got to live in the fabulous pool house while he was stuck in a normal bedroom in the Big House? In any case, Ryan can't sleep and instead rolls around the bed in his wifebeater and stylish boxer briefs. He then gets up and puts on his pants. Aw. Pants. He dons the rest of his thug-wear, and heads out the door, where Seth is just approaching. Seth proposes "a little Playstation, perhaps," and then sees Ryan's bag and deduces that he's running away. Ryan sternly commands Seth back into the house, but Seth is off and running with the "what if"s about Child Services and Sandy. Ryan silently listens before turning away. Seth knows that his argument is going nowhere, so instead he decides that he wants to go with Ryan. Yay! Seth explains that besides sailing to Tahiti, he's always wanted to do "that Kerouac thing" -- hitting the road and stopping at diners to "do the pancake tour of North America." Ryan flatly rejects this proposal, which Seth agrees is "fair enough," before questioning what Ryan will do. Ryan doesn't have a plan, but he knows it will involve a new town, a job, and saving money. Seth sarcastically says that it sounds like a "great idea," and Ryan plaintively asks whether he can think of something better. Seth can!

Back in Seth's bedroom, Seth has put on a black zip-front turtleneck sweater, and is madly shoving stuff into a backpack. Sandy knocks at the door, causing Seth quickly to jump into bed, turn off the light, and hide under the covers. Sandy wants to talk, and Seth cutely acts confused, pretending he thinks it's morning. Sandy's voice breaks in disbelief as he asks, "You're asleep?" Seth asks what's going on, and Sandy says he wants to talk about Ryan. Seth rushes to say it's cool and that they don't need to discuss it further, but Sandy thinks they do need to discuss it, since he knows Seth is upset, and he and Kirsten are both upset too. He explains that their responsibility is to their family, and if that were the truth, wouldn't we all just go around stealing and lying and treating people badly all in the name of our families? Only if our last name is "Camden," obviously. Seth responds, "Yeah, it's okay, no, I get it. I mean, this is a person's life we're talking about, and we need to leave it in the hands of the authorities." Throughout this conversation, Seth is completely under the covers, and only his cute little head peeks out. If I were Sandy, I would suspect I had just interrupted Seth in the throes of a little one-on-one action, and make a hasty exit. But then again, if I were stalker Sandy, I'd be gleefully overjoyed to have interrupted another of my son's private moments. Sandy lectures Seth for his sarcasm, causing Seth to argue that he's not employing that particular linguistic tool at the moment. Sandy points out that it's "hard to tell, sometimes." Seth again insists that the situation is all good, agreeing that when he needs to talk about it, he'll let his father know. He rolls over and feigns instant sleep, so a perplexed Sandy finally gets the hint and leaves. Seth pops right back out of bed.

Outside, Ryan waits at the gate with his bags, not yet having realized that if there's an inappropriate moment -- and this would be that -- for Sandy to have appeared to bother Seth, he would currently be doing so. Ryan watches Marissa stomp down the driveway -- because that girl stomps -- bearing a wrapped present and promising someone on the cell phone that she'll be there in twenty minutes. They "hey" each other -- she more awkwardly than he. She didn't think she'd see him again, and then walks closer and thanks him for the other night. He asks, "You always drink like that?" and she dodges the question: "I thought you left." Ryan responds, "I did....I am." At this moment, Seth bounds down the driveway, clad entirely in black and carrying his skateboard; he proclaims them "all set." Spotting Marissa, he unenthusiastically greet her, and she asks again what they're doing. He explains that they're just "hanging out," and then notices her package (the birthday present, sillies) and snits, "Oh, look! It's somebody's birthday! I guess my invitation got lost in the mail." Marissa ignores his snittiness and explains that it's Summer's birthday. Seth quickly points out that Summer's birthday isn't until Wednesday, while Marissa looks confused and Ryan puffs out his cheeks (the cheeks on his face, sillies) and lowers his head, bemusedly entertained. Seth fast-talks in explanation, "It's what I heard. I don't know. That was a guess." Marissa goes all Miss Marple on them -- and for once, this is not an age crack -- and concludes that they're "up to something." Seth immediately asks what Ryan told her; Ryan insists that he said nothing, as we get a close-up of Marissa's over-exaggerated "aha!" face. She's either a terrible actress or very poorly directed. Ryan points out that the black turtleneck in August might have tipped her off, and Seth gestures fanatically while insisting, "Okay. I was going for stealth. And also it's slimming." Hee. He then tugs at the turtleneck self-consciously, dismissively telling Marissa to have fun at her party. Ryan joins in the mockery, urging Marissa to go because the "Newport social scene awaits." He quickly raises his eyebrows at her in a challenging way. She raises hers back, but clearly they're both just amateurs to a heavyweight champion eyebrow-raiser like Peter Gallagher.

The three are now in Marissa's car; she drives, complaining that they won't tell her where they're going. Considering that they must at least be giving her directions, that's not entirely the truth. She matter-of-factly comments that it's far, and Seth jumps at the chance to criticize her, snarking that it's interesting that she's complaining, considering she wasn't even invited. Marissa responds, "Before I came along, you were on a skateboard." Seth pretends to choke in surprise at her comeback prowess. Ryan looks at the radio. Marissa looks at Ryan looking at the radio. She asks whether he likes the music, and he says he guesses that he does. She asks what he does like, and he responds "everything," before admitting that he doesn't really listen to music. Because they don't have music in Chino. Just the sounds of people wailing and gnashing their teeth. From the back seat, Seth pipes up, "Dude, that's kind of weird." Ryan asks what Marissa likes, and she emphatically responds, "Punk!" Seth snits, "I'm sorry -- Avril Lavigne doesn't count as punk," but Marissa's been just waiting to make use of her Jane subscription, listing off bands including The Cramps, Stiff Little Fingers, The Class, and the Sex Pistols. Seth mutters, "I listen to the same music as Marissa Cooper? I think I have to kill myself." When Ryan is incredulous that Marissa listens to punk, she responds, "I'm angry."

They pull up in front of their destination: Kirsten's model home. Marissa thinks it "looks scary," and Seth is all too happy to encourage her to stay in the car. Instead, she goes along, and as they enter the front door, Seth asks whether Ryan recognizes it. Ryan begins, "This isn't..." and Marissa cuts him off to ask where they are. Well, maybe if she had waited for Ryan to finish his sentence, she'd have her answer. Seth explains that it's one of his mother's housing developments, of which she owns a "bunch" with his "grandpa." This is the model home, which never got finished. Marissa snits, "Why, did someone die here and now it's haunted?" Seth snarks that that's exactly what happened. Ryan asks what really happened, but Seth doesn't know.

Kirsten does know, however, and we cut back to the Big House, where Kristen yells into the phone, asking how contractors just disappear? Clearly, the mysterious epidemic of disappearing people is not exclusive to Chino. She whiningly expositions that without a model home, they can't have a new development. It's been a month and she's not going to wait for "you guys," anymore. We don't know who "you guys" are, though. She hangs up, and Sandy ambles in asking if she had any luck. She responds, "Vanished." Kirsten moans that her father will never let her hear the end of this, and Sandy grins. Somehow I think Kirsten's overbearing father will soon make an entrance. ["If he's not played by Harve Presnell, someone at Fox should get fired." -- Wing Chun] Kirsten asks whether Sandy talked to Seth, and Sandy responds that he "think[s] so." He tells Kirsten not to blame herself, and she insists that she's not, but how can she let a "strange boy" live in the house? She insists that Seth should know that any mother would do the same. Sandy says he was talking about the contractors, but that wasn't entirely clear, since they were talking about Ryan in the first place.

Back at the Model Home, Marissa questions whether Seth really intends for Ryan to stay there. Seth acknowledges that the place needs some "sprucing up," and then groans, "God, did I just say 'sprucing'?" He asks what Ryan thinks, but Ryan hasn't had time to think yet. Seth enthuses that it beats a group home, and then rushes to show them "the best part." He dramatically swings open the back door, where awaits a large, concrete hole. Ryan concludes that it's "an empty swimming pool." Seth replies, "To some people."

To Seth, however, it's a giant skate ramp, and he zips back and forth behind Ryan and Marissa, the latter of whom waves around a french fry intending for us to belief that she might actually eat it. She questions whether Ryan -- who is wearing another appealing wifebeater in this scene -- thinks his mother will come back, and he explains that she's "kind of a train wreck." Marissa commiserates that Lady Heather is one, too. Marissa asks about his father, and Ryan reveals that he's in jail for armed robbery, adding, "Impressive, huh?" Marissa is at a loss, and then fesses up that her own father is, "like, a financial planner." She thinks he's in trouble, though, and Ryan responds that he doesn't have any stock tips. She continues that he's stopped going to his office, and "these guys keep showing up at the door, like cops." I suppose to counter the fact that Marissa appears to be forty, the writers are giving her the intellectual capacity of the average two-year-old. "Like cops"? She dramatically concludes, "But he won't answer," and no wonder she's not eating any of those french fries; she's too busy chewing up the scenery. She then awkwardly says that she hasn't told anyone about her father, and Ryan rushes to say, "I can keep a secret," looking at her with his perfectly doleful eyes.

Marissa's phone rings to break the moment, and she cheerily answers it. It's Luke, calling from a party that appears be held in the same house as last week's party. He's all, "Where you at, girl?" and "It's time for you to get your buns on!" And if we're really supposed to invest in Marissa as a character, we need to be given some reason to believe she'd date such a toolio. Luke tells her that another partygoer is so drunk that he can't "feel his feet," and some guy in the background yells, "There goes the left leg!" Luke whines that he misses Marissa, and that it's not a party if she's not there. With her back turned to Ryan, Marissa calls Luke "sweet," and promises to be there soon. Luke looks around dodgily before telling Marissa that he loves her, and she does the same at her end before responding in kind.

Ryan makes no pretense of looking elsewhere as Marissa walks back toward him. He asks how long she's "been with him," and she's all "Luke?" as if there's a whole list of other people she's "with." She claims that she doesn't know, and I'm sorry, but she's so the girl who keeps track to the day, or at least Summer is so the girl who would enviously keep track for her. Seth rolls up to add, "I know. Fifth grade, when you two got your mack on during our class trip to the Museum of Tolerance. Back of the bus. Classy lady." Marissa tosses a fry at him -- one less she needs to pretend to eat -- and asks what his problem is; what did she ever do to him? Seth says "nothing," which is exactly his point: he's lived door to her "forever," and she's never said or done anything to him. Marissa "oh my God"s that he's the one who never talks to her, because he thinks he's so much better than everyone else. Seth is briefly flummoxed, and then concludes that if she's "talking about Luke, then yes. Because that guy shaves his chest!" Hee. Marissa insists, "He plays water polo!" to which Seth responds that they know, because "half the team tried to kill us the other night." Marissa bugs out her eyes at Ryan, who explains that he's "not too popular around here. And your boyfriend? A little bit angry." Marissa questions whether Ryan didn't try to hit Luke back, and Ryan admits that he hit Luke first. Marissa snits that it's hard to believe Ryan's not more popular.

Seth leads Ryan and Marissa back inside through hanging paper, pointing out what he thinks could be Ryan's "room." That's such a teenager's mentality -- having a "room." Why does he need a room, when he has a whole house? Ryan isn't sure if it's okay for him to stick around; Marissa insists that he should stay, and so he agrees. Seth faux-snits, "So when she says it, you listen?" and Ryan points at him all Brandon Walsh-in-the- credits-of- -style.

Marissa's phone rings again, and as she greets Summer, Seth's all, "Hey, hey, hey, is that Summer? Tell her I said, 'Happy Birthday!'" Marissa looks amused and continues her conversation with Summer, who is wearing a birthday tiara and wanting to know where Marissa is. She says they're coming to get her, and Marissa insists that she's on her way. Seth continues to spasm in the background, and so Marissa caves and tells Summer, "Seth Cohen says 'Happy Birthday.'" Summer's all, "Who?" but Marissa smiles, nods, and tells Seth, "She says, 'Thanks!'" Seth makes an "oh, wow!" face, which Ryan returns in mock excitement. Hee. Marissa signs off with a perplexed Summer. And who knew a girl like Summer had "perplexed" in her emotional catalogue?

Marissa tells Ryan and Seth, "I gotta go meet my friends -- my other friends," which is kind of cute. Seth also needs to go to "protect [his] cover," but before they leave, he insists that they first need to promise not to tell anyone. He points out that Ryan obviously won't, and that Seth himself could get grounded, which leaves Marissa. He shines the flashlight in her face as she echoes Ryan's earlier "I can keep a secret." They agree to meet the day to fix the place up, and a moon-faced Ryan thinks "it's cool." A departing Seth enthuses that the plan is "foolproof," which is television-speak for "There's going to be a giant fire, burning this house down." It's just like the time on when Steve Saunders was suddenly a party promoter and the electrical systems weren't up to code, which the random Hispanic helper guy warned him about and almost took the fall for, and during which Kelly Taylor burned all of her body except for her perfect face, so Brandon could still love her, even when she went into a cult because of it. And I promise you, I will never again compare our beloved Seth to Steve Saunders. Unless he uses the word "foolproof" again.

And oh lordy, what is with this Thicke video for "Brand New Jones"? This guy thinks he can sing and dance like Stevie Wonder, which, if you couldn't tell, is a back-handed complement. He's quite the rump-shaker, shaking his booty like a champ. Let me qualify that: like a Special Olympics champ. The lyrics include the word "puppy," though, which is a total shout-out to the wonderful, hangdog Benjamin McKenzie. Also, some random woman keeps crossing her legs, and then the lead singer moonwalks. He moonwalks, people. "Moonwalks," in case you were wondering, passes Spellcheck.

It's morning now, and Ryan, still clad in black, wanders the halls of the empty model home. It's very white, so clearly they're going for the contrast.

In the Big House, Sandy looks for Ryan in the pool house, and then the eyebrows realize that the bed wasn't slept in. I've never really got that whole "unslept-in bed" thing. I mean, some people actually make their beds. Or have maids to do that for them.

In the model home, Ryan makes his way through white hanging construction papers.

A police car pulls into the driveway of the Big House. Upstairs, Seth is on the phone with Marissa and tells her that "the key here's not to panic." He asks whether she has her "supplies," and she questions whether it's still safe to go with the cops outside. He says he'll handle "Johnny Law," and then snarkily asks if she's losing her nerve. She curtly tells him to just meet her in the driveway. A shifty-looking Seth skirts the corner of the house with his skateboard and finds Sandy waiting for him. They need to talk about Ryan. And personal space.

Over at Lady Heather's Lair, Luke is downing breakfast, to Marissa's surprise. He explains that he's just "grabbin' a little grub" before they take the boat out. She's all, "Boat?" and he explains that he thought they'd take his father's boat out, waterski, and have lunch together.

Ryan, meanwhile, does chin-ups in his wifebeater. I have no idea why, and in this case it absolutely does not matter as long as he keeps right on doing it.

At the Big House, Seth is questioned as to Ryan's whereabouts. He claims not to know, and then adds, "He did say something about going down to Mexico and gambling on cockfights," and then rambles on about the jurisdiction of the O.C. police. Sandy admonishes Seth to stop joking and answer the questions. Seth insists that he did answer the question and sadly states, "I did not know the guy. I never got the chance!" Aw. The eyebrows look concerned.

Back at Lady Heather's Lair, Lady Heather enters Jimmy's study, all proud that there are eggs for him to eat. She asks for a check because she's taking Caitlin to the stables, and Jimmy questions whether Caitlin really needs a pony; he thinks Caitlin won't even like horses in a couple of months. At this, Caitlin storms into the room all, "What? I love China. She's the prettiest pony." I'm assuming the writers weren't going for "cute" with that young actress. Lady Heather shuts down Jimmy, explaining that they're not giving up China. She sends Caitlin out to wait in the car, and then massages Jimmy's back, complaining that work is making him tense. He sees this as an opening to fess up about his problems, but she cuts him off: "You know I don't like to talk about work." He slowly begins to tell her that he's made a few mistakes and she insists, "Jimmy. You don't have cancer. No one is dying. Whatever it is -- whatever you've done -- I'm sure you'll fix it." She then rushes him to write the check because she doesn't want Caitlin to be late.

Marissa, meanwhile, is going on to Luke about the amazing Sukie, who she claims waxes in such a way that it's painless. Maybe Luke should try Sukie on his back instead of the razors. Because either he's incredibly flexible, or someone else does it for him. Probably there's a maid under contract whose entire purpose is to shave Luke's back. Luke is having trouble handling both Marissa's description of the whole waxing process and his eggs at the same time. Marissa insists that it's very hard to get an appointment with Sukie, then suggests that Luke come along with her and get a manicure because "they're not just for girls." Luke wants out of this conversation, and encourages Marissa to go without him. He promises that they'll meet up later because "Holly's having a..." He looks around all sneaky-like, and we're supposed to believe these kids actually attempt to hide from their parents the fact that they party? Seeing that the coast is clear, he finishes up: "Holly's having a thing." Because a "thing" is so much more discreet. "Thing," in this case, obviously means "mole removed."

Outside, we see Luke and his giant car roaring off, after which Seth pops out of the bushes. Seth questions an approaching Marissa about what she told Luke, and she insists that she told him nothing but "if anyone asks, you're Sukie."

At the Model Home, Ryan also wants to know whether Seth told anyone, and Seth explains that he did not, although he fesses up about the Mexican cockfight comment. Seth says that even if they don't believe his story, they still won't look for Ryan at the Model Home. He then turns to Marissa, who is unpacking her stuff, and asks, "Did you seriously bring a loofah?" Ryan doesn't know what a loofah is, and Marissa defends herself, explaining that Seth told her to bring whatever was around the house. Seth explains that he meant survival supplies "like, uh, rope...or muskets." He then notices her Kiehl's cucumber moisturizer, and some girls would tell you that is a survival supply. We then see that Marissa also brought toilet paper, causing the boys to exchange a look, because she actually brought a non-stupid thing.

Seth hits a golf ball out the door -- because a putting green, club, and ball fit more realistically into the "survival supplies" category -- and chases it down, conveniently providing Marissa with the opportunity to slither over to Ryan, who is setting up his tent, and hand over a CD called "The Model House Mix." Aw. Mix tapes! Suddenly Southern in accent, she assures him that it's a broad range of music, concluding, "Let your education begin." Their moment concluded, Seth returns, still raving that it's a "totally safe" hiding spot for Ryan. He questions what else they could need, and Ryan asks if either of them brought food. Seth says, "Fooooooooood," and then concludes, "Guess we're goin' on a mission."

Now they're at the pier, and we see shots of the carefree kids on bike (Ryan), skateboard (Seth), and skittering behind on foot (Marissa). Ryan slows to pick her up, so she is now standing on the back of his bike, pressed against Ryan's back, Seth skating along beside them. They continue down the pier, Ryan looking so blissfully happy. So what he needed, all this time, was a hot girl on his back. Marissa then thinks it'd be fun to cover Ryan's eyes so he can't see.

Sandy talks on the phone at the Big House asking someone to call him -- presumably the police -- if "someone of [Ryan's] description comes in." He informs Kirsten that there's no news of Ryan at the hospitals, and Kirsten is sure he'll turn up. Sandy adds, "If he's smart." Sandy suspects that Seth knows Ryan's whereabouts, and Kirsten is outraged that he's accusing Seth of lying. She snits, "That'll be good for your relationship." Kirsten maintains that they should let the police handle the situation, and Sandy emotionally wishes she hadn't called the police, who he claims don't have enough manpower or resources. He fears Ryan will just "slip through the cracks." So what resources or manpower would Sandy currently have if Kirsten hadn't called the police? Kirsten asks how many cases like this Sandy has seen, asking, "What is it about this kid?" Sandy doesn't respond, "Have you seen this kid?" Instead, he earnestly explains that he thought he could help Ryan and make a difference in his life. His eyebrows insist, "I was this kid!" Sandy claims that if someone hadn't helped him, he wouldn't be where he is today. And where is that, exactly? As whipped husband/bitch to his frigid wife's control-freak bossiness? In any case, Kirsten momentarily thaws, and Sandy gets a kiss.

Kirsten's phone rings, and she acts all sneaky, gesturing to Sandy that she'll take the call outside. It's not like it's noisy in the house or anything, so if I were Sandy, I'd definitely be suspicious of the fact that my wife needs to take the phone outside to avoid having a conversation in my presence. It's Jimmy, who needs to talk to Kirsten about something. We see him looking conflicted, but then Lady Heather storms in announcing, "China? Has alopecia. We need to call the vet!" She makes an urgent face accompanied by a "what?" gesture in reaction to his irritated expression. Jimmy motions for Lady Heather to hold on, before quickly asking Kirsten whether she's free for lunch. Kirsten has some work stuff to do, but says lunch sounds great. I wonder where that work will be. Certainly not at the model home!

Seth, Ryan, and Marissa have settled into a diner on the pier, where Seth announces that he's been thinking about a plan and "right now, this would very well be the first stop in a pancake tour of North America." For emphasis, he waves around a piece of pancake on his fork, and then shoves it in his mouth. Marissa's all, "Hey, like in On the Road?" and enthuses that it's her favorite book. Seth grudgingly responds that it's his favorite too. I'm sensing a little Dawson/Joey/Pacey thing here right now, and I'm not liking it too much. In any case, Ryan reveals that last summer he did construction work for his mother's boyfriend. The now-ex has since moved to Austin, and Marissa's all, "In Texas?" Substitute the word "Mars" for "Texas" and you have her delivery. The ex told Ryan to look him up if he was ever out there, and Seth whines that it's too far: "We were thinking like Long Beach or something so we could all still hang out." Ryan ignores this appeal, and claims he'll need a couple of days of work first for travel money. Marissa flippantly says, "We can get you money," which is so the wrong thing to say to a poor, proud seventeen-year-old boy. He looks away, and Seth tries to ease the situation by rambling on about how lucky (in a way) Ryan is because he can move to a new place and start over -- be whoever he wants to be. But Ryan was doing that exact thing in Newport, and it didn't end particularly well, did it?

Because Marissa is brilliant, they have ended up in a restaurant frequented by Luke and his cronies, who walk in like they own the place (if one of them would deign to own a service establishment), obnoxiously yelling, "Hey, what's it take to get a menu?" Marissa insists that she'll handle them, but Ryan wants to do it himself. Marissa asks, "And ruin your popularity?" before ordering Seth and Ryan to sneak out the back door. She takes about twenty minutes to gather her stuff, and heads over to greet Luke and his friends sweetly. Meanwhile, Ryan and Seth nearly make it out, but a waitress catches them at the last minute: "Hey! Front door!" She then stands by with her hands on her hips, ensuring that they'll follow her command. Ryan, in an attempt to look even less discrete, covers his face with his hood, and thugs right out the door. Seth, meanwhile, is not so lucky, and slams a busboy in the nuts with his skateboard, causing all manner of crash-y calamity to break out in the diner. As Luke and he make eye contact, Seth quick-talks, "Hey, guys. How you guys doin'? You like the food here too? It's pretty awesome." Hee. Luke tells him to "Shut up, queer," and Seth seems for a moment like he'll rise above the insult before muttering under his breath, "At least I don't shave my chest." He doesn't mutter quietly enough, though, and Luke angrily rises from his seat while one particularly gape-jawed friend looks on in amazement. Seth attempts to explain: "I just said, 'You look nice in a sweater vest,'" insisting that it was a compliment, but Luke's not having it and claims, "I'm going break you, Cohen." But here comes Ryan, all hooded and up in Luke's face. Luke feigns surprise that Ryan's back, strips off his hood and tells him, "You're a little far from 8 Mile." Well, someone needed to say it. Marissa "Luke, don't"s him, causing Luke to ask whether she's "spokesperson for the geeks of America or something." Ryan laughs and casually asks, "You know what I like about rich kids?" Before Luke can answer, Ryan throws a punch and finishes up, "Nothing!" As Luke peels himself off the table, Ryan and Seth make a break for the door, Seth screaming, "That was awesome!" Ryan fumbles with unlocking his bicycle, and Seth blocks the doorknob from the outside with his skateboard while Luke hurls insults at him from the inside -- clever insults such as "pansy" and "deadbeat." Finally, Seth and Ryan are off, Seth hopping on the back of Ryan's bicycle as Luke gives chase. Meanwhile, Marissa sits at the table in the dinner, pushing a strand of poorly crimped hair behind her ear and pouting.

Back at the model home, Seth golfs and relives Ryan's wise-cracking on rich kids. He then questions whether Ryan considers Seth rich, identifying himself more as "upper-middle-class." Seth hits the golf ball toward the door, which rolls right into the arriving Marissa, whom he greets with the adorable "'Sup, foo'?" Marissa complains that Ryan didn't have to hit Luke, and then reveals that the cashier called the police. She plops down, defeated, and claims she doesn't know why Luke acts like that. She says, "He's just..." and Seth cuts her off to conclude, "An ass." Marissa ignores him and goes with the less accurate "protective."

The sound of a car pulling up interrupts their conversation. Seth peeks out the window, spotting his mother and -- as the camera pans over to reveal a second person -- "And...your dad!" As she and Jimmy enter the house, Kirsten explains that it's been a while, and that she's got to figure out what kind of shape the place is in. Jimmy looks around and "wow"s. Kirsten spots a golf ball, but the jig's not up yet, because she assumes it's just another example of the contractors making poor use of their time. The kids, we see, are upstairs and listening attentively, as Jimmy proclaims the model home "fantastic," and Kirsten wonders whether it's "too much." Because the Big House is really understated -- pool house, Rosie, and all. Jimmy points out that Kirsten is "talking to the guy whose wife just imported ceramic shower curtain rings from Morocco," before continuing to admire the high ceilings and moldings. He pauses to say it reminds him of something, and Kirsten completes his thought: "Your parents' house." Jimmy cites more of the home's architectural details, and then recalls that his parents' house was on Elm Road. Because he'd forgotten the address? Kirsten says she loved that old house, and Jimmy says he did too. He says he had his first kiss in that house, and she did too. See what they just did there?

Kirsten finally gets to the point -- these adults need to realize that the show's not about them and get on with it already -- and asks what's been going on. Jimmy confides that it's been a bad year for him because of the market, and then further admits that it's actually been "disastrous." He claims it will be a struggle for him just to remain solvent, and Kirsten quickly moves to prevent further groveling on Jimmy's part by asking, "How much do you need?" Jimmy laughs in discomfort and says it's a lot of money -- too much money. Not to much money, however, to have put himself in the position of asking her for it. He finally admits that he needs $100,000, and Kirsten doesn't react, but instead simply says, "I'll call the bank." Upstairs, Marissa looks dismayed. Really, you'd think with all these kids have, $100,000 would seem like nothing to them. They're houses are worth at least twenty times that. Jimmy insists that he can't take the money from her, but Kirsten insists that he can. Jimmy pledges to pay her back, admitting that it will take him a couple of months. She jokes, "I know where you live." For the first time since we've met Jimmy, he seems happy and almost relaxed, as he goes back to admiring the model home. Kirsten expositions that the new contractors are coming tomorrow to finish the job. Jimmy thinks it sound like a nightmare, and Kirsten agrees that it is. They exit.

Upstairs, Ryan stares his sideways stare at Marissa, as Seth asks if she's okay. Marissa only repeats that the contractors are coming tomorrow. Ryan guesses that means he's gone.

Seth, back at the Big House, sits at his computer looking at a travel site and debating whether to purchase a bus ticket to Austin for the morning. While he deliberates, he drums his fingers on the table and then on his lap. Aw. He's so cute. Sandy barges in, causing Seth to scramble to shut off his monitor and ask, "Hey! We're not knocking anymore?" Sandy barely apologizes because of course he's not knocking anymore! He's too busy trying to catch his son in the most invasive ways possible! Sandy snoops after what he's doing, and Seth explains that he's busy. Sandy whines that he's always busy, and Seth mutters, "It's the price of fame." He claims to have to go, but Sandy stops him in his tracks by announcing that Ryan was found. He then clarifies this statement by explaining that someone meeting Ryan's description was spotted in a fight down by the pier, so he's probably still in the area. Sandy is in a rush to find Ryan before the authorities do and Ryan finds himself in even deeper trouble. When Seth explains that he was just going somewhere, Sandy implores, "Seth, he's your friend." And so a resigned Seth has no choice but to join his father in searching for his missing friend when Seth knows exactly where he is.

At yet another party in the same house, Summer is no longer wearing her tiara, but instead has on a bikini top and Daisy Dukes. We get another gratuitous coke-snort, which may or may not be the same gratuitous coke-snort we saw last week. Marissa arrives and the girls "hey" each other before Summer points out that Marissa has been "all weird acting lately." Marissa attempts to get philosophical, asking whether Summer ever wonders what her life looks like through someone else's eyes. Summer only ever wonders what her ass looks like through someone else's eyes, and snits that these kinds of comments are exactly what she's talking about, further snitting, "What is up with you?" Marissa explains it away as nothing, and then their conversation is interrupted by a blonde, bikini-wearing girl entering the room and singsonging about "fresh margs." Apparently "marg" is the new word for "margarita." One of Luke's friends -- who happens to look just like Luke -- complains that the drinks are weak, and the blonde girl flirts that he's a lightweight. Summer drunkenly slurs that she hopes the girl's parents never come home. Meanwhile, Luke's friend brings up Ryan, claiming that he's going to find "that punk's trailer park and burn it to the ground." Maybe he won't find his trailer, but he'll find his model home and proceed to do the same. Summer butts into the conversation with a well-delivered "Who dat?" and the friend explains, "That freak from Chino -- he was all up in Luke's grill." Summer proposes that he might be on "Oxycotton," which she proclaims "gnarly." I don't know about "Oxycotton," but Oxycontin is what Jack Osbourne got hooked on, and which may or may not have led to the killing -- or pretend killing -- of Sharon's dog Minnie, though thankfully not to the killing of infinitely more entertaining Lola. The blonde girl heard that Ryan went "psycho," and Luke enters the conversation in time to call Ryan a "little bitch," and promise to "beat [Ryan's] ass" if Luke ever sees him again. Marissa gets in a snit and exaggeratedly gathers her things. That girl has a lot of things, and she's always gathering them. Luke and Summer exchange confused looks, and Summer gestures that Luke should go after Marissa. He catches her at the door, and Marissa whines that she "can't be here right now." Luke dismissively asks what's the matter, and she yelps, "You don't know him! You don't know anything about him!" The partygoers look perplexed at Marissa's breakdown. It's all very Andrew McCarthy in Pretty in Pink.

We're now in Sandy's pimpmobile, as he tells Seth that Ryan could be anywhere. Seth is sure that Ryan is fine, and suggests that they try again in daylight, but Sandy thinks it could be too late by then. Seth then snits that Ryan might be better off on his own, anyway. When Sandy asks what he means, Seth responds that even if they find Ryan, what then? If he's lucky, he'll go back with his mom, and Seth would run away too in that same situation. Sandy earnestly urges Seth to promise that he'll never run away, no matter how bad a situation gets, because he and Kirsten will always be there for him. Seth implores, "Dad, please. Take it down a notch," but Sandy's too far gone now telling him, "The minute you were born, I knew. I would never take another easy breath again without knowing you were safe." By his expression, it's clear that this gets to Seth, but he attempts to lighten the mood by saying something that sounds a lot like, "So, I'm asthma." He may have said something entirely different. I just can't understand the boy. Doesn't mean I can't love him. Sandy stalks, "I'm warnin' ya. You run away, I'm comin' with you." Seth agrees that they can keep looking.

In the model house, Ryan lights about a billion candles around the room. Obviously, a trip to Pottery Barn for votives was the first order of business in his preparations for his stay at the model home, but not a trip to Radio Shack for a flashlight. Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah" starts up, and while it's no Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah," it's still a real mood-setter. Marissa enters under the white paper, and surveys the candlelit room, grinning. She says that the song reminds her of Ryan. Was the song on his Model House Mix Tape, then? And does she think it qualifies as punk? Ryan thought she would be with Luke tonight, and she explains that she intended to be. She doesn't know why she's here, but she wanted to see Ryan because he's leaving tomorrow and "what if [she] never....[they] never..." She asks if she can spend the night, just so they can hang out. The camera circles Ryan as he mulls over her proposition, then concludes that she can't stay because if she does, he won't be able to leave. She rushes forward, insisting, "Then don't!" Ryan points out that in the fall she'll go back to school, and what will he do then -- hang around the house, "hiding like some ghost" until the police find him and force him to disappear again? Then the conversation clichs out, all, "we're from different worlds," and "I'm not like you," and I stop listening. Suddenly, Marissa is running out of the house, slamming the door, and crying while unlocking her car. Through her tears, she backs the car up and leaves, right past a big shiny black car "hiding" behind a tractor. The camera pans closer in to reveal Luke's pissed-off face, and those of his friends. Ryan runs out of the house after Marissa. More pissed-off faces watch from the car.

A montage follows as a conflicted-looking Kirsten calls her broker and arranges for the wire transfer; Sandy and Seth drive silently, sneaking glances at each other; and Marissa wipes her tears -- and hopefully some of her bad makeup -- away while driving.

At the model home, Ryan packs. Hearing the front door open, he yells down to Seth, asking if he got the bus ticket. To Ryan's blank-faced surprise, Luke and his posse enter instead all, "Bus ticket? You're not goin' anywhere!" And why wouldn't they just let him leave? There's their problem, after all, effectively solving itself. Luke asks what Ryan is doing and, more specifically, what he's doing with Luke's girlfriend. Ryan insists he's doing "nothing," and Luke snits, "Didn't look like nothing." He orders Ryan to fess up, or he'll kill him. Ryan tells Luke to kill him, then, and quit talking about it. So the fists fly again, and Ryan really is quite the punching bag. As they fight and Luke's gang joins in, a candle is knocked over and the construction papers catch fire. Ryan manages to get in one nasty head butt, but is for the most part overwhelmed by their sheer numbers. , some paint cans go over, causing the fire to burn higher. And wow! Luke's friends are all over Ryan in a giant pile-on. Realizing at last that there's a fire going on around them, Luke's friends head, coughing, toward the stairs. Luke follows them, and deliberates for several seconds at the top of the stairs, and just when it looks like he's going to follow his friends downstairs and out to safety, leaving Ryan behind, he turns back inside. We see him dragging Ryan forward, and then carrying him out of the house. His friends yell for him to follow, and as Luke runs toward them, he turns back to Ryan, urging him to "run!" Ryan obviously mishears this as "roll around and then pass out!" which he does.

At Lady Heather's Lair, Jimmy chuckles while watching television. Tate Donovan, by the way, acts the shit out of the relief Jimmy is feeling right now. Lady Heather enters, clothed in a red satin robe. She thought basketball season was over, and Jimmy explains that he's watching ESPN Classic. Lady Heather seems tolerant in this scene, and even loving toward Jimmy. She joins him on the couch as he explains that he's watching Game Seven of the 1986 Lakers/Pistons NBA finals. Jimmy insists that Lady Heather should remember watching this on the first go-round, since she was pregnant with Marissa at the time. All Lady Heather can recall, however, is that she was "so swollen." Jimmy cites a bunch of players -- I won't even try to go there -- and Lady Heather humors him, smiling and nodding her head. She stares at the television, as Jimmy, who obviously didn't get the point earlier in his den, tries to explain, "You know that thing, that I was tryin' to talk to you about?" She "Jimmy"s him, as he finishes by saying he took care of it. She knew he would. He says, "You did?" and they kiss. Back to the game, and Lady Heather can't believe she's old enough "to have watched people play basketball in those shorts." Aw. Poor, momentarily happy Jimmy. This can't be headed anyplace good.

Suddenly Marissa busts into Lady Heather's Lair, flailing and crying and running up the stairs. Lady Heather acts concerned, but it's Jimmy who goes after her. Marissa's thrown herself on her bed, where she lies in a pile and cries. Jimmy asks her what's the matters like she's a two-year-old. A two-year-old puppy, no less. She rolls around crying and he orders her to give him a hug. So they hug, and he laughs -- because a girl like Marissa couldn't have any real problems -- and insists that she can tell him anything, because they tell each other everything. She asks, "Do we?" Burn!

Sandy takes a call in the pimpmobile, looking serious. He promises to meet someone somewhere.

Meanwhile, at the party, Summer stumbles down a spiral staircase as Luke rushes in and asks if Marissa came back. She didn't, and Summer points out that Luke smells like smoke. He claims that they "hotboxed" someone's car, and she's all, "And didn't invite me?" One of Luke's friends chooses to worry about Ryan now, lamenting that Ryan was "messed up." Luke points out that he was breathing, and the other guy snits, "I hope so." Considering he's the same guy who was in a rush to leave Ryan behind, I'm not sure why he's giving Luke such a hard time about it.

At the non-model non-home, Sandy and Kirsten stare at the wreckage. Kirsten can't believe it, and speculates that the house is cursed. A policeman approaches, and she asks what happened. He smirks oddly as he explains that it looks like someone's been living there. Kirsten and Sandy look momentarily perplexed before a small, squeaky voice offers, "It's my fault." The camera pans over to reveal a guilty Seth.

In a montage similar to last week's when Ryan tried unsuccessfully to find a friend who would take him in, we see Ryan being repeatedly rejected as he tries to hitch a ride with passing cars. I know I, for one, would pick up a kid who has donned his best thug costume, complete with the bruises. Luke's shiny car slows, and as Luke assesses whether Ryan is indeed okay, Ryan asks, "Disappointed?" Luke asks where Ryan is going, but Ryan doesn't know. Luke then suggests that if they both keep their mouths shut, no one will know it was them who caused the fire. Ryan laughs this off, while Luke looks away in annoyance. Ryan then lets himself into Luke's car, insisting, "You're giving me a ride!"

Sandy and Seth are upstairs in Seth's bedroom at the Big House, and Seth explains that he doesn't know what happened -- he doesn't know how the house burned down. Sandy asks what Ryan was doing there in the first place, and why Seth didn't tell his parents. Seth plaintively explains that Ryan didn't want to leave and go to a foster home, and Seth didn't want him to either. He starts to break down as he claims that his parents "force [him] to live amongst these...these pod people," but the first cool person he met got kicked out of the house. A resigned Sandy says he did the best he could, and Seth responds that he did the same. They sit beside each other -- practically on each others' laps -- and stare. Sandy then takes Seth back downstairs, where the police are waiting with more questions.

Kirsten, in the meantime, has been keeping the police entertained, serving them coffee out of china cups. Sandy leads Seth out by his arm, and we see that Marissa -- in her little babydoll nightie and robe -- is there too, now, with Jimmy and Lady Heather. A policeman urges Seth to tell him the truth this time, but before Seth can, Luke's car pulls up, and we get overdone reaction shots by both Marissa and her parents. We also see that Marissa has donned fashionable Ugg boots to complete her outfit. Lady Heather is far more winning in her fluffy pink slippers. Thankfully, we are spared Caitlin's presence and choice of footwear.

Luke and Ryan slowly get out of the car, as the camera focuses on Jimmy scratching himself. Foreshadowing! week on The O.C., Jimmy struggles with eczema! Marissa makes a series of exaggerated expressions of surprise: the raised eyebrows, the furrowed brow, the "o" mouth, and then polishes it off by shifting her weight back and forth a couple times: "Discomfort." Ryan beelines for the Cohens, apologizing. Behind him, the cop asks, "Ryan Atwood?" and he immediately turns, puts his hands behind his back, and waits for the cuffing. Meanwhile, he's staring at Luke, who is silently witnessing the scene before piping up, "It was an accident." The cop asks whether Luke was there as well, and since he was, he gets cuffed, too. Sandy finally kicks it into lawyer gear, explaining that he's "Mr. Atwood's attorney," and that the cops shouldn't ask any questions until he's present. He then whispers, in case Ryan didn't get that, "Keep your mouth shut." He also throws a half-assed word of caution Luke's way. Then the police cars pull away, leaving behind a tableau of the others standing around in the driveway.

week on The O.C., Ryan wears the blue jumpsuit again. Yay! Marissa doesn't care if Ryan's in jail: she "caaaaaaaan't" see him. Kirsten, meanwhile, has "got a nice swerve on her," and as a result, Ryan gets his third ass-kicking in three episodes. Then, Mrs. Atwood shows up. They didn't even wait until sweeps!