We open in a deserted alley at night. Two thuggish-looking teens -- one bearing a crow bar -- prowl around a car. As the thuggier-looking boy (black shirt with cut-off sleeves, an eyebrow piercing) raises his hand to smash the car's window, he expositions, "If I don't teach you this, who will?" Self-identified big bad big brother, "Trey," hops in the car, while the cleaner-cut of the two -- who resembles Russell Crowe and is named, we find out through his brother's constant yelling, "Ryan" -- says he doesn't know. As Trey gently coaxes Ryan into the car by yelling, "Quit bein' a little bitch!," a police car drives past on a cross street, then peels backwards -- sirens on -- toward the brothers. Ryan makes a series of conflicted faces before finally deciding to jump into the car with Trey, who is already driving away. As we cut between flashes of the car chase and of Ryan's troubled face, we see that he may or may not have a cold, as snot appears to be running down his nose. Surprisingly, that plot point goes nowhere. Instead, the car chase concludes with a crash in which no one is hurt, but Trey and Ryan are cornered.
Shots of metal bars and handcuffs lead us to Ryan -- now wearing a fetching blue jumpsuit -- as he is led into a gated room, where wait Peter Gallagher and his magnificent eyebrows. He looks up from his paperwork and introduces himself as "Sandy Cohen," Ryan's court-appointed public defender. Ryan visibly appraises him, and Sandy points out that he could "do worse." He is all about Ryan's welfare, but Ryan is more concerned about his brother until Sandy explains that since Trey is over eighteen, stole a car, and possessed the criminal's triple threat of a gun, drugs, and priors, he's looking at jail time. But Sandy doesn't care about Trey! He cares about Ryan! A lot! Perhaps excessively! Perhaps excessively in a potential child molester sort of way! In any case, it's Ryan's first time "in lockup," and Sandy assumes that Ryan's not planning on coming back. He shuffles through Ryan's file, reading aloud about his "okay" grades, suspensions for fighting, and three "bouts of truancy." He raises his eyebrows -- for any other actor, the equivalent of springing from his seat, waving his arms in the air, running in circles, and yelling "Whoopee!" -- as he sees that Ryan scored in the 98th percentile on his SATs. He suggests that if Ryan starts going to classes, he can consider college. Ryan scoffs at the thought, causing Sandy to exclaim, "Dude, I'm on your side!" Peter Gallagher, incidentally, should never again use the word "dude." Ryan dolefully looks into the distance as he emotionlessly drones that modern medicine is advancing to the point where the average life span is a hundred years, but that Social Security will run out in 2025, so people will have to work until they're eighty; he doesn't want to commit to anything too soon. ["The average life span is a hundred years? Doubtful. Yes, this is the ridiculous plot point I'm focusing on. Sorry." -- Wing Chun] Sandy laughs, before somberly explaining that he can plead Ryan's offense down to a misdemeanor, but that Ryan should "know this": stealing a car because his brother told him to is "stupid and it's weak, and those are two things [Ryan] can't afford to be anymore." Ryan snaps, "Two more things!" Sandy responds that if Ryan wants to change that, he needs to get over his crappy life, before expositioning that he and Ryan are "cut from the same deck"; Sandy grew up poor in the Bronx with no father and a working mother, and was "pissed off and stupid." Ryan snits, "And look at you now," before sneaking a grin at Sandy. I'm not sure how it helps the scene, but it's a cute grin, all right. Sandy cocks his brilliant eyebrows and says that a smart kid like Ryan needs a plan and a dream, but Ryan counters that "having a dream doesn't make you smart. Knowing it won't come true...that does."
Now we're curbside with Ryan and Sandy as car peels toward them and jumps the curb. Courtney Love emerges flailing that the situation is unbelievable -- all, "What the hell did I do to deserve this family?" Sandy perkily jumps in to identify himself to the newly introduced "Mrs. Atwood," who continues ranting that Ryan is going to "rot in there," just like his father and brother. She orders Ryan into the car; he exchanges a quick sideways glance with a disturbed Sandy. Quickly handing over his card and home number, Sandy offers, "If you need somebody...things get to be too much, call me." Ryan disappears into the car, leaving behind the concerned-looking Sandy.
In case we didn't get that Mrs. Atwood has some issues from the scene, we are now at the Atwood House of Trash, where she clutches a cigarette and sloshes around a glass of liquor. In the foreground, a random man lounges and watches television; we'll find out who he is in thirty seconds or so, but if would be so much more entertaining if he just sat there -- unidentified and impassive -- throughout the scene. Mrs. Atwood rants that she "can't do this anymore." Although Ryan apologizes, she still wants him out of the house. He tearfully asks where he's going to go, and Random Barcalounger Man (that's R.B.M., O.C.-style) speaks up to say he heard his mother, and that he should get his stuff and leave. Ryan unwisely argues with R.B.M. (whose name we find out is A.J.). A.J.'s all, "What? Are you a tough guy now?" and then with the fists and the slamming against walls and the throwing on the floor. Mrs. Atwood pretends to care, but does nothing as her boyfriend trounces her son. Actually, she doesn't do nothing; she makes good use of the time by lighting another cigarette.
Twinkly music plays and "The O.C." flashes discretely on the screen as Ryan throws stuff into a bag and heads out while A.J. stands in the doorway with his arms crossed furiously. Ryan takes off on his bicycle, leaving behind the Atwood House of Trash, but presumably not the issues he has after growing up there.
At a pay phone in front of a liquor store, we see and hear snippets of Ryan being rejected by various friends in his quest to find a place to spend the night. We're to assume that all the youths of Chino, California reside in loveless and thus uninhabitable households. I'm sure the Chino Chamber of Commerce is currently considering using The O.C. in its press kit. Ryan pounds on the phone and phone booth, in a scene which subtly resembles the irrational abuse he just took at the hands of his stepfather, and hints at a future in which an unchecked Ryan might eventually learn to take out his frustrations in the same way his mother's crappy boyfriend does. As a bruise blossoms on his pretty face, Ryan pauses and ponders, before pulling Sandy's phone number from his pocket. Meanwhile, the song has stopped twinkling and the singer is warbling, "California, here we come!" which is a nice song, but a strange choice here, since he's already in California, although they are certainly hammering home the difference between his and Sandy's Californias. The camera pans back to show puppy-faced Ryan sitting in front of a beaten-up strip mall-type storefront as Sandy pulls up pimp-style, hanging out the window and smirking, "I told you you could do worse."
As the car travels along, shots of graffiti, garbage, and the general ugliness that is presumably Chino, California (Chino Chamber of Commerce, this one's for you!) morph to shots of the lovely coast, surfers, and bikini-clad women that is Newport Beach. Ryan admires Sandy's car, but he didn't know Sandy's "kind of lawyers made money." Sandy responds, "No. We don't...My wife does." Hee. The Cohens reside in a gated community where cars share the streets with golf carts. They pull into a driveway to another fancy car, and I can't help you out here, because I know nothing about cars. I can only tell you that cars are either shiny and big, or not so shiny and not so big. In this case, they're the former. The house is also shiny and big -- all white and glass and surrounded by coast. Sandy asks Ryan to wait in the car for a minute then pauses, clearly deliberating whether to leave Ryan in possession of both his car and his car keys. Ryan mutters, "It's no fun if the key's in the car," and so Sandy leaves both in the hands of a teenage felon.
Inside the house, Sandy's wife is amazed that Sandy brought Ryan home, pointing out that Ryan's not a "stray puppy." Maybe not, but he does make the same sad faces. We learn that her name is "Kirsten," and that she thinks it was only a matter of time before her husband "started bringing home felons." Sandy scoffs that Ryan's not a felon, and Kirsten clarifies that Ryan and Sandy did meet in jail. Sandy's all about the "technically," and claims that Ryan's offense won't be a felony when he's done with it. Kirsten whines that by bringing Ryan to Newport Beach, Sandy is "endangering their home," and didn't he even think of Seth? We don't know who "Seth" is at this point, but we can assume he's their son. Sandy argues that Ryan will stay with them only for the weekend until Child Protective Services opens on Monday, but Kirsten is still concerned that the whole thing's a scam and that Ryan's just using Sandy to "case the house." In the oft-shown teaser clip, Sandy points out that Ryan is "not a criminal mastermind." His voice rises and breaks as he yelps, "He's a kid who has no one and nowhere to go!" He asks when Kirsten because so cynical, and she counters by questioning when he became so self- righteous. He responds, "I've always been self-righteous." Hee. He then mutters that Kirsten used to find it charming. Finally, she's won over, but grudgingly so, and only to the point where Ryan will sleep in the pool house. As Kirsten heads out of the kitchen, she announces that she's off to "put [her] jewelry in the vault." Because she is the sensible-yet-tenderhearted maternal figure, she is lying, though. She's actually going to prep the pool house because "the boy's" going to need fresh sheets, towels, and a toothbrush, and she needs to tell the maid to get them for him.
Outside, Ryan stands on the edge of the driveway packing smokes. A haggish-looking woman stands curbside, and how nice -- Sandy's grandmother lives with them. Alas, she turns out not to be Sandy's grandmother, but the girl door, who could certainly better be referred to as the "woman door." Her name, we ultimately learn, is "Marissa," and she's clearly seen the other side of forty. Here, I could launch into a spiel about the disturbing Hollywood trend of casting women twice the age of the characters they portray and the negative messages that sends to the world's youth about body image and the way they should look, but even more disturbing is the fact that this actress was actually born in 1978, making her seventeen years old. She's been rode hard and put away wet, all right. Into a carton of Marlboro Reds. Not that she's not lovely. Because she is. Just not lovely and a believable seventeen. In any case, she asks, "Who are you?" and Ryan cheeseballs, "Whoever you want me to be." Ryan takes about twenty minutes to light his cigarette before Marissa awkwardly asks, "Hey! Can I bum a cigarette?" Ryan struts over and they proceed to engage in sexy cigarette lighting and puffing and smoke blowing. There must be a forthcoming episode in the near future about how CIGARETTES ARE BAD, because in this episode? Not so much. Ryan -- cigarette hanging out of his mouth -- slowly backs away from Marissa as she asks what he's doing there. He pauses, cocks his head to the side, and slowly walks back toward her as he explains how he and his brother stole a car and crashed it; his brother's in jail because of the gun and the drugs; Ryan got off, but only to have his drunk and pissed-off mother throw him out and Sandy take him in. They should use that exposition, Alias-style, to clue in new viewers at the beginning of every episode. Marisa concludes from this, "You're their cousin from Boston, right?"
Suddenly, Sandy pops out of nowhere -- as he's prone to do throughout the episode. Marissa hurries to extinguish her cigarette, but Sandy's eyebrows see all as she flirtily tells them...er, "him" that she's just been meeting his nephew. Sandy plays along, although the eyebrows look confused, and agrees that Ryan is his "favorite nephew...all the way from Seattle." Marissa may not know that cigarettes are bad for her, but she does know that Boston and Seattle are not one and the same, so Ryan lies that his father lives in Seattle and his mother in Boston. Sandy dorks his excitement for Marissa's "fashion-show fundraiser" tomorrow night. Okay, the fashion show was bound to happen at some point, but in the first episode? I'm sure Donna Martin designed all the clothes, and Kelly did the PR, and David Silver's rapping the hideous accompaniment music, and Brandon's tried on all the clothes because he's such a tool. In any case, Marissa questions whether Sandy is really looking forward to the show, and he fesses up that he isn't.
Yet another big and shiny car screeches up, containing the requisite unappreciative boyfriend, who unchivalrously yells for Marissa to get into car. She flounces off, but not before encouraging Ryan to attend the fashion show if he doesn't have any other plans. Marissa and her boyfriend kiss while a wide-eyed Ryan looks on. As he and Ryan head inside, Sandy says that theirs is a "no smoking household." He then chases Ryan's smoking butt down the driveway. His cigarette butt, that is.
Inside the fabulous pool house, Sandy introduces Kirsten to Ryan as "the queen of the manor herself." She greets him with a stiff "Welcome to our home," and then points out the grinning maid, who is on hands and knees making up the bed. If Ryan needs anything, Rosie -- because that's what all maids are named -- can help him. The Cohens exit, leaving behind Ryan, who looks around, dazed. Commercial.
Britney Murphy looks positively haggard in Uptown Girls. But production must have saved a lot of money on wardrobe, since she and co-star Dakota Fanning can share the same wardrobe.
It's morning back at the pool house, and a squinty Ryan heads out into the sunshine looking confused and amazed. Because they don't have sunshine in Chino. Only darkness and despair. (And there's a slogan for you, Chino Chamber of Conference!) He examines the bright blue pool and the glinty landscape, then heads into the main house, where Adam Brody (yay!) -- who plays the aforementioned Seth -- sits, all cute and cross-legged, playing videogames. They "hey" each other, and Seth invites Ryan to play.
Cut to a shot of the two boys, sitting side by side, aggressively manipulating the controls. Seth cutely razzes Ryan in his adorably squeaky voice: "Oh, looks like someone's tryin' to be a hero! What, got a little cocky? And so -- and so -- it's an unbeatable combination!" I don't quite know what he means, but it's typically darling. Seth orgasms through his victory, and then asks Ryan, "What happened to your head, dude? Where did it go? I'm sorry. Did someone die?" He's so goofy and sweet, and the teasing is clearly friendly and not at all mean-spirited. Seth asks if Ryan wants to play Grand Theft Auto because they can steal virtual cars, then tries to remove his foot from his mouth: "Not that that's cool. Or uncool. I don't know."
And now it's time for Sandy to appear again, this time with a bag of groceries. As if we needed further evidence that he's his wife's bitch. Since it's a beautiful day, Sandy suggests that Seth show Ryan around town. Seth wises off about how little there is to do in The O.C., but Ryan wants the tour, so Seth shrugs and agrees.
We join the two boys, who are now sailing on a boat called Summer Breeze. Neither looks particularly comfortable, although Seth does charmingly use his teeth to work on the ropes. Gratuitous sailing shots follow, before Seth awkwardly stutters through his plans for July: he wants to sail to Tahiti, which he claims can be done in forty-two to forty-four days. Ryan claims to think it sounds cool, but doesn't look entirely convinced. Seth continues to enthuse over "hit[ting] the high seas," catching fish, and the "total quiet." Ryan questions whether he won't get lonely, but Seth fast-talks, "No, I'll have someone with me." Ryan slowly asks, "You're gonna take us to Tahiti," which cracked me -- and Seth -- up. Seth pauses before delivering the big, "Um. No." Incidentally, in all my years of recapping Survivor, I've never had the chance to use the verb "scoffs," but it seems likely to come in handy on The O.C. Scoffing abounds. In any case, Seth reveals that he plans to bring along the girl for whom the boat is named, so obviously I misread the lettering, which must have been Joanna Breeze. Ryan thinks Summer must be "pretty stoked," leading Seth to admit that she has no idea, because he's never even talk to her before. Ryan's face looks expressive. Expressive of what, though, I'm not sure. He may employ the "smell the fart" method of acting, but he looks so cute doing it that I don't really care.
And it's time for another random appearance by Sandy! If anyone is working on the O.C. drinking game, please throw in a chug for whenever Sandy lurks in the background or shows up at an inappropriate time or place. As the boys tie up the boat, Sandy's suddenly stomping down the beach toward them, announcing that they'll head to Marissa's fashion show at 7. Either Peter Gallagher is incredibly dorky, or very talented at portraying Sandy's dorkiness. Seth's not interested in the fashion show, but his father encourages him to come with the reminder that "it's a whole new school year." It's all the same kids, though, and Seth points out that "every day's a fashion show for these people." Sandy insists that Ryan has to go because Marissa invited him, but I'm not sure why a slightly dismissive "come if you can" from a hyper-aged-yet-pretty girl means required attendance. Still, Seth is shocked, because he's lived door to Marissa forever -- with the added exposition that her father almost married his mother -- but, "like, she's never even invited me to a birthday." Probably because he wouldn't fit in with all the Mah-Jongg playing and comparison of incontinence products in her circle of friends. Sandy is stuck on the first part of the sentence, and quickly refutes that Kirsten almost married his neighbor. Meanwhile, Ryan sees an opening, and proposes that Summer might be at the fashion show. As it turns out (hello, contrivance!), Summer is Marissa's best friend, and so they'll go.
A woman watches from her deck as Sandy and the boys amble back along the beach path. Ryan lingers behind, looking typically wistful and throwing rocks. At first, I think the onlooker is Kirsten, but it's just the forty-year-old seventeen-year-old again. She hurries over to answer the door, where two suits request a conversation with her father. She snits that he's not home, and they disbelievingly asks when she expects him back. She doesn't know, so they ask her to "remind" him that they need to talk. They leave another card, which Marissa takes before slamming the door in their faces. We see a close-up of the card in her hand, revealing that one of the men's names is "Steve Pearlman." Probably more relevant is the fact that the card identifies "Steve Pearlman" as an employee of the Securities and Exchange Commission. Marissa totes the card into the room, where Tate Donavan ("Jimmy") works at a desk. He thanks her (calling her "kiddo," so we know she's his daughter, and not his older wife) because he didn't have time to deal with them. She questions who they were and he responds, "The suits. The bureaucrats. The Man!" She pushes the issue, asking whether things are okay, and he non-explains that it's "just...just a thing...with, uh, with, uh, clients," and nothing to worry her pretty head over.
Back in the Big House -- the literal Big House -- Ryan stands in front of a mirror and struggles with his tie. Frustrated, he discards it and dons his jacket instead. Stalker Sandy appears and drools over how well the suit fits. He inquires after the missing tie, and Ryan insists that he's not going to wear one because "open collar -- it's a good look." Sandy's on to him, though, and admits that he couldn't tie a tie until he was twenty-five. He forces Ryan to hand it over and button his top button, thus commencing a tie-tying lesson, including the laughable and perhaps most inane string of words ever uttered on television: "It changes tie to tie. Sometimes it's just a mystery." As he works on the tie, Sandy asks after Ryan's time with Seth, and Ryan describes Seth as "cool." Sandy's all, "Cool, huh?" but inside is obviously shouting, "My kid's cool! My kid's cool! My kid's cool!" Ryan now successfully accessorized, Sandy admires him before gripping his beefy arms and getting in one last look at them standing together before the mirror. He ruins the mood by commenting, "Beats a jumpsuit!" But a jumpsuit, however objectionable fashion-wise, would be infinitely more comfortable.
Over at Marissa's house, an unfortunate-looking moppet asks Lady Heather if she likes her nails. We haven't wandered into a C.S.I. episode, though; Lady Heather is now Marissa's mom. She admires the moppet's nails, and then wonders whether her own hair looks good straight or is "too Avril Lavigne." Her hair looks nothing like Avril Lavigne's, though, so it's clearly a name drop, and it won't be the last. Marissa makes her grand entrance, complimenting her mother's hair, and wearing a dress that's not entirely flattering, but only because it emphasizes her skeleton. Lady Heather turns and exclaims, "Oh, Marissa, you look..." before lamenting that Marissa wore her hair up, which she thinks is "a little harsh on [her] angles." Marissa's feelings are clearly hurt, but then Jimmy dashes down the stairs in his tux before the conversation can continue. (See? And although Tate Donovan has suddenly and inexplicably been reduced to playing the father of teenagers, he can still "dash.") Lady Heather enthuses over how amazing the night will be, and wonders whether Marissa will wear the Donna Karan because it's "very forgiving." She motions toward her stomach area, as if Marissa has anything to forgive. Jimmy, meanwhile, calls Marissa "kiddo" again, and "beautiful."
We're now poolside at the fashion show, as a jaunty waiter offers a perplexed-looking Ryan fancy hors d'oeuvres. I suppose they don't have food in Chino, either. So don't plan on eating there, if the Chino Chamber of Commerce ropes you in with its many other enticing marketing ploys. Seth passes by and whispers in Ryan's ear, "Welcome to the dark side." We see shots of bejeweled people drinking and effusively greeting each other, and various women paw over Ryan lamenting Boston ("hate the cold") and Seattle ("all that rain"). One woman -- or perhaps one man in drag -- seems particularly satisfied to confirm that Ryan, whose voice drops an octave to offer said confirmation, is from Canada.
Ryan saunters up to the bar, and looks impressed when the bartender doesn't question his non-legal order. But it's now Kirsten's turn to play stalker; she turns up and wordlessly stares him down until he hands over the drink. She snits, "I want my husband to be right about you," then makes a quirky face. There are lots of quirky-though-ambiguous expressions made on this show, but I kind of like them.
We recognize Marissa's boyfriend "Luke," who stands by the bar, drink in hand, being greeted by friends. Seth tosses a "hello" his way, to which Luke responds, "Suck it, queer." Nice one. Ryan witnesses the exchange, and engages in a brief standoff with Luke while Seth mutters, "My vacation was great, too. Thank you for asking about it."
The camera focuses on a posse of girls, including Marissa, as Seth points out to Ryan that Summer is there, too. He urges him to look: "Look! I'm sorry, but don't look, don't look. But I mean, you can look, but don't look like you're looking." Hee. Ryan doesn't even try to look, which is a decent interpretation of Seth's mutterings. Sandy, however, pops up again. It's like he's playing some twisted version of "Where's Waldo?" -- he's always around, but your eyes just have to adjust to him. Amongst the black-clad girls, Summer asks about Ryan, and Marissa giggles that he's "the cousin, the pool boy, I don't know." Summer pledges to find out. Meanwhile, Sandy makes a big, pointed scene of checking out Summer, and an abashed Seth runs away. Ryan -- who has obviously come around to the hors d'oeuvres and is stuffing handfuls of them in his mouth -- admonishes Sandy, "Way to salt his game, Mr. Cohen." I have no idea what that means or even if it's "salt his game" or "sauce his game," but since the second option sounds kind of gross, I'll go with the first. ["I guess that's the network-safe version of 'cock-block.'" -- Wing Chun] Sandy looks confused, but also kind of hopeful, having been included in the hip lingo. He can now go hide in the bushes behind his son and his new friend and wait to spring out at them again at some other untimely opportunity.
We pan over a typical kids' table as Seth approaches. He asks a Weasley named "Chester" (all red-heads are called "Weasley"s in my household) and asks whether the seats are taken, to which no one responds. So kids won't even talk to him, he's so dorky. Well, he can sit at my kids' table anytime he wants. You know what I mean. In any case, Ryan joins in the non-fun, attempting to stare down Luke, who dismissively looks away. Seth, meanwhile, continues to attempt to make conversation with Chester about the "good strides" he's making in his sailing lessons. Chester doesn't respond, just stares gape-mouthed at poor Seth. Seth rambles that he's glad they had the chance to catch up, then makes bug eyes at Chester. Again with the random-yet-somehow-appropriate strange expression. It's like the director yells, "Make a random face now!" at the actors in the middle of their scenes, and so they do. Yet somehow, it works.
Marissa takes the stage, which is lit terribly and makes her look even older than usual. She awkwardly thanks the audience for attending, adding the requisite "It's such a good cause, you guys!" She urges them to enjoy the show, and kisses Summer, who begins prancing down the runway in Pucci. Seth watches and groans, "She's got Tahiti written all over her!" Yea, right between the words "tramp" and "bitch." But anyway. (Not liking Summer, over here, if you couldn't tell.) Backstage, half-naked girls run around, looking for their missing Betsey Johnson dresses. A woman "oh no"s over some poorly applied makeup, while the Canada-loving, possible drag queen complains that her daughter -- who was supposed to wear Vera Wang -- is wearing Calvin Klein instead. And if they're going to drop so many fashion names, couldn't they drop more obscure ones, instead of the most common lines? I'm supposed to be all impressed with the Calvin Klein? If they sell it at T.J. Maxx, it's not doing much for me. In any case, a snippy woman responds, "And she would, if she had the chest to hold it up." She then looks the girl over and snits, "It's called puberty, honey. It'll happen." In the background, a girl in baggy orange panties picks a wedgie. Someone didn't do their research, because these girls would be total thong-wearers.
Melissa Joan Hart -- all tackily married now, by the way -- giggles herself down the runway, as we cut to Marissa donning lip gloss in the bathroom. Where are the diet pills? They've got to be here somewhere! If they are, we don't see them -- just a woman busting in to warn a tired-looking Marissa that she's up . Summer saunters in bragging about stealing two glasses of champagne, but Marissa trumps her with a bottle of vodka. They toast each other and down their drinks. A now confident, alcohol-infused Marissa bounces down the runway in a cute dress, shooting Ryan a special glance and smile, but not even looking Luke's way. He notices, and elbows his friends. At the big kids' table, Kirsten congratulates Jimmy and Lady Heather on their beautiful daughter. Sandy suggests that Jimmy spent more money on Marissa's dress than Sandy makes in a year, and then a random table sitter joins in with, "That's why we trust him with our money. I expect to die a very rich man, Jimmy." Sandy responds, "Well, you're bound to be half right," and either I'm not getting it, or the "half right" part means the man should expect to die, which is delightfully snarky. Jimmy looks a bit off, which Kirsten notices but Lady Heather does not, since she's too busy blathering on about Prada Mary Janes versus the "stiletto Manolos." Kirsten watches Jimmy leave the table, and Sandy watches Kirsten watching Jimmy leave the table.
Ryan happens to be in the bathroom when a distraught Jimmy enters, heads into a stall, and slams the door shut before going all hara-kiri on a roll of toilet paper. He walks in circles in the tiny enclosed place, sits on the toilet, puts his head in his hands, and sobs. It's a very well executed scene, and it's sad. Ryan, meanwhile, fixes his tie and exits.
One more girl struts down the runway, and the fashion show fundraiser is blissfully concluded. Summer, now wearing a track jacket, tells Ryan that her friend Holly's parents are letting them use their beach house as a gift because of their "hard work for charity." She offers, "If you need a ride...or anything...I'm Summer." Ryan considers her proposition, then heads over to Seth, who is ready to go home. Ryan proposes that they party, but Seth's not having it until Ryan lies that Summer invited them both, and not only that, she specifically invited Seth. The girls beckon to Ryan as Seth slowly says that it makes no sense, but that they should go anyway. He turns to an older man standing behind him and quickly explains, "We're gonna go with them. Thanks, guys." Aw. He was going with old people! Piling into the car with the girls, Ryan watches Marissa, who also watches him, as she gets into Luke's car. Meanwhile, Seth unconvincingly says of the party, "If it sucks, we can always bail."
At the party, squealing girls abound, as do shots of cocaine-snorting, bongs, and some under-the-shirt action. Ryan grinningly assesses the festivities, and then tells Seth, "Welcome to the dark side," with an entirely different inflection then Seth did earlier to him. More shots of the bongs and cocaine follow, in case we didn't catch them the first time. Seth looks around and concludes, "Cocaine. That's awesome!" A bikini-clad butt looms in the foreground.
Marissa and her posse make drinks, as Summer admires Marissa's purse and asks, "Does your dad ever say no?" We see shots of more scantily clad, possibly convulsive girls, and it's true money can't buy everything -- certainly not the ability to dance like anything other than a rich, uncoordinated white girl. Summer boasts about bringing Ryan to the party, which makes Marissa uncomfortable, so she tops off her glass with more vodka. Summer drools, "I'm gonna play him hot and cold!" Ryan and Marissa both skulk around the party, trying not to be obvious in checking each other out. Meanwhile, a pigtailed blonde girl -- who makes up for Marissa's shortcomings by looking all of twelve -- drunkenly tells Luke, "Isn't it, like, so beautiful? The sand? And the water?" Luke asks her to take a walk, and assures her that she has "no worries" about Marissa. As Luke clutches the girl and leads her sand-ward, Ryan watches from the keg.
Back at the Big House, Kirsten takes out the trash. And I thought she had Sandy -- or at least Rosie -- to do that for her? Jimmy is also outside, walking his panting dog, and Kirsten watches him. His dog, by the way, is very nice, and may or may not be named Dustin. Kirsten questions whether Jimmy's really okay, and he insists that he is. She claims that he can always talk to her, but he continues pretending to be fine, insisting that he's just been working really hard. He asks about Ryan, and seems surprised that Kirsten has a cousin from Boston. She confesses that he's a client of Sandy's who is staying with them for the weekend. They're interrupted by Lady Heather -- all Juicy Couture-ed out -- who screams from the porch about her missing "fro yo." Jimmy -- whipped as he is -- forgot said "fro yo" but will go back and get some for her. She reminds him that she likes pistachio, before throwing in a dismissive "Hi, Kirsten." She disappears back inside, and both Kirsten and Jimmy laugh at his wife, as he disbelievingly mutters, "Fro yo." He asks whether Kirsten ever thought this would be their lives, and he's all weirdly winded. Was he just out running with the dog? And planning to pick up "fro yo" on his route? Kirsten -- probably uncomfortable with the turn the conversation has taken -- changes the subject, asking whether Marissa is back yet. Jimmy scoffs that she usually stays out late, but Kirsten worries because Seth never goes out. Jimmy tells her not to worry, because the kids aren't doing anything they didn't do. She dryly says, "That's comforting."
Back at the party, what looks like a can of whipped cream is just a bottle. What a lost opportunity on the part of the directors for whipped cream bikinis and whippets! Seth opens a closed door behind which parties a hot-tubbing threesome. He turns to leave, then -- well-mannered as he is -- head back to apologize that he should "really learn to knock...in case there's a threesome going on in the bathroom." Hee.
We pan over more under-the-shirt action, and then a couchful of stoners, and some grinding bikini bottoms. Some fat Jack Black-type commands everyone to get naked, but no one listens. Ryan and Seth appear to be the only ones who haven't changed out of their tuxedos, but then maybe Ryan just can't figure out the knot, and doesn't want to be that guy, running around the party in just his necktie. Marissa has donned a slinky top; she sips her drink and asks what Ryan thinks of Newport. He responds, "I think I could get in less trouble where I'm from." Oh, as much as he's not my type, he's cute. A blonde girl calls "Coop" over (Marissa's last name being Cooper), because it's her turn to deal. She throws a backward glance at Ryan, commenting, "You have no idea."
Outside on the porch, Jack Black is passed out, and Seth may or may not have drawn all over him. By that, I mean Jack Black's definitively been drawn all over, but it's not clear whether Seth's the one who did it. In Jack Black's unconsciousness, Seth has apparently taken over the keg. And by "taken over," I mean "decided to attempt to drink its entire contents." Three women talk on cell phones while standing to each other, which I suppose is intended to represent something about Orange County, but considering that such egregious cell-phone behavior has by this point in 2003 penetrated every Olive Garden franchise in every suburb across the country, the reference is a bit outdated. Ryan chugs a beer as Summer approaches, stripped down to her bikini tops and Daisy Dukes. She whines about being wasted, then dumps her drink all over him, presumably so that she can paw at his chest while pretending to help wipe it off. Seth -- who has inherited the omnipresent gene from his father, as well as possibly his unnaturally large hands -- stumbles upon this scene, and jumps to drunken conclusions about Ryan's intentions. Ryan tries to explain, turning his back on Summer in the process and causing her to snit, "Excuse me?" Seth loudly slurs, "What are you doing? I named my boat after her!" Summer's all, "What?" and "Who are you?" and "Ew!" upon hearing this revelation. So Seth runs off, Ryan chasing after him and yelling, "It's not what you think!" while quietly insisting to Seth that he's drunk. Seth's not having it, and slams Ryan against a rail -- for someone so beefed up, he sure gets slammed into lots of things -- yelling that he should go back to Chino, where Seth's sure "there's a really nice car in the parking lot that you can steal." Marissa watches and looks curious, while Summer's all, "Chino? Ew!" Because it rubs off, you know? (And there's another one: "Come to Chino, California. It's catching!") Ryan heads back inside the party, where people whisper and stare at him.
Seth, meanwhile, has drunkenly made the wrong choice to stumble down the beach toward a circle of boys, including one wearing a white button-down shirt with eyebrows comparable to Sandy's. Who knew that was possible? He ramblingly talks to himself as the group -- led by Eyebrows, Jr. -- surrounds him and starts tossing him in a circle. Ryan watches from the house, then dashes off to Seth's defense. By the time Ryan reaches the bullies, Seth's been turned upside down but still persists in taunting his tormentors about living up to the cliché. We see Ryan approach from Seth's skewed perspective, and Seth greets him with a casual "Hey, man. What's up?" , Luke appears, followed by the pigtailed girl, whose pigtails have now loosened. Because that's the first thing the guy goes for in the surreptitious hook-up: the pigtails! Luke is all tough as he asks if there's a problem, and why would any guy stop hooking up just to get in on a fight that has nothing to do with him? Luke starts whaling on Ryan, and chaos breaks out on the beach, leading to a pile-on during which Seth actually manages to pull someone off Ryan, then is so confused at his success that he stands around and takes one in the face from the guy he's just removed from Ryan's back. As Ryan lies in the sand, Luke leaves him with one last kick and a "Welcome to The O.C., bitch! This is how it's done in Orange County." Seth and Ryan -- the only apparent casualties of the fight -- roll in the sand and groan. And this is why I like this show: Dylan and Brandon -- fey as they were -- would so have been improbably made out to kick ass in a fight with anyone who dared mess with their Dippity-Dos.
We're back at the pool house, and a disheveled Seth slowly enters, followed by Ryan, who grows increasingly bruised by the minute. Seth throws himself down on an ugly chair, which is one of three identical ugly chairs, because if you're going to have one, why not have three? Seth doesn't know what to say to Ryan: "Except that you...totally...had my back out there!" He enthuses that it was "like out of Fight Club or something, I don't know," and thinks that if Ryan will teach him some moves (what? like the handy "being pounded on" or the always successful "being shoved face-down in the sand"?), they could take the others time. He then starts kicking his legs out from under him while exclaiming, "With a little bit of that? You know what I mean! And a little bit of that! That! What do you think about that?" His flailing kicks punctuate the "that"s and I'm loving it as he flails and twists around. Ever the optimist, Seth reveals that it wasn't exactly the way he first planned to talk to Summer, but now that he's on her radar, should he tell her about Tahiti? Ryan smirks and calmly says, "Not yet." That's what Seth was thinking, too, but he just wanted to make sure they were on the same page. As Seth settles down for the night, he contentedly mutters, "What a little night we had there," and pledges that he won't forget it. Ryan watches him sleep, obviously admiring his innocence. He inhales, looks typically doleful, and then heads outside for a smoke.
Meanwhile, a car pulls up door, and drunk Summer and Drunk Random Blonde Girl (that's D.R.B.G., O.C.-style) haul Marissa's inert ass up the path to her house, calling her "so retarded sometimes" and wondering why her boyfriend isn't taking care of her. They slap her face around in an attempt to wake her in order to find her keys, but she's out. Summer rifles through her purse, but there are no keys there, either. So -- worried, in D.R.B.G.'s words, that her dad will "go ballistic" -- they abandon their best friend on the path and take off.
Ryan looks on in dismay as they leave, and then over to Marissa's prostate body on the sidewalk. Soft music plays as he slowly and quietly walks toward her, then gently tries to wake her without actually making physical contact with her. In this scene, he's wearing a very flattering wifebeater, and whoever thought I'd use the words "flattering" and "wifebeater" in the same sentence? It's a hard look to pull off. But Benjamin McKenzie does. And then some. He considers the situation, then picks up Marissa's purse while urgently mumbling abound finding her keys, and who while watching this wasn't painfully uncomfortable with the possibility that someone would witness the scene and blame him for taking advantage of her? Not finding the keys, he squats in front of her, and looks perplexed.
The shot has Ryan carrying Marissa's inert body into the pool house, his head mournfully cocked to the side. Inside, he leans over to put her down, then lingers above her as he fixes the blanket. It's very still and sensual and sweet and lovely, with a quiet song playing in the background. We see an outside shot of the pool house, and then darkness. Commercial.
It's sunshiny now, and Ryan stirs while Seth slumbers cutely on the ugly trifecta of chairs-turned-sofa. The camera pans over to reveal that Marissa is gone. Kirsten barges in all "thank God," over Seth's presence. He cutely waves at her, while she demands to know what happened to his face, which he doesn't remember, as he explains, because he was really drunk. She drags him out of the pool house, unable to communicate beyond "let's go. House. Now." She does manage to communicate her anger toward Ryan with one quick steely glance.
Outside, clueless Sandy has just returned from surfing, and is going on about the waves. When Kirsten interrupts his revelry to reveal that Seth got into a fight, he seems part disbelieving, part kind of excited. Kirsten whines that "this is what happens when you let someone like this into our house...when you let our son hang out with criminals." Sandy, though, is happy that his son finally has someone to hang out with, and advises Kirsten not to "salt his game, honey." Kirsten doesn't even know what that means, and neither, Sandy confesses, does he. But he does know that he'd rather Seth hang out with Ryan than with "some trust-fund kid from around here who only cares about getting a new Beamer every year." He enthuses that there's a whole world "outside this Newport Beach bubble," and Kirsten points out that Sandy's never minded living there, subtly suggesting that he's as into the status of it as anyone else. Sandy responds that at least he knows there's something else out there, and recalls their youth, when Kirsten claimed she wouldn't end up with her parents' life. She counters that she was twenty-two, and "stank of patchouli, and lived in the back of a mail truck." Sandy points out that Kirsten was also fun and rebellious. Sandy adds, "You married me." The argument ceases long enough for the two to exchange a smile, but still, Kirsten insists, she can't do it. She doesn't want "this kid in [her] house anymore." Sandy whines, "Where's he 'sposed to go?" but Kirsten maintains that Ryan has his own family, and that it's not up to Sandy to "decide whether or not they're good enough."
Inside, Ryan blankly stares out the window. I've been trying to recall what this show reminds me of and -- sacrilegious as some people will think -- I've come up with The Graduate. It has the same stillness and sensibility. And a swimming pool. Kirsten enters with the explanation that she doesn't mean to "play bad cop" and "it's nothing personal," but then gets distracted by Ryan's bacon-making skills. Seriously. She's all, "Is that bacon?" showing more enthusiasm for the pork product than for anything we've seen so far throughout the episode. He explains that he usually makes breakfast at his house, because his mother isn't much of a cook. She pours a mean gin, though. But he doesn't say that. Kirsten apologizes, saying that Ryan seems like a "really nice kid," and he cuts her off to acknowledge that it's okay, and he "get[s] it." Ryan pauses to add, "You have a really nice family." She backs up to let him pass by, and out of their lives.
In his room, Seth continues to sleep it off. Ryan lingers in the doorway watching him, before knocking and waking him up. All cute and tousled in his boxer shorts, Seth turns over as Ryan explains that he's got "to jet." Attempting to spare Seth, Ryan lies that he needs to go back and "try to figure some stuff out back home." Seth mumbles that it's cool, but not cool, or whatever he means. He responds to Ryan's outstretched hand with the sweetest, most brotherly hug you've ever seen, but Ryan doesn't even know how to receive a hug, and sporadically pats Seth's back. Seth volunteers to come to Chino where, he tells Ryan, "You can show me your world or, you know, [air quotes] 'hood.'" As Ryan attempts to leave, Seth pulls him back into the room and hands over what I at first think is a Hallmark card, but turns out to be a map. He suggests that there might be someplace Ryan wants to go, and that it's "pretty good for ideas." Ryan pauses and then swats Seth in the face with the map to break the mood. Aw.
In the car, the sweet music plays again. Ryan stares out the window, puppy-faced once again. He does a very good job of looking downtrodden, while also hopeful and a bit naïve, and I think for the umpteenth time that this show is very well cast. For the most part, anyway, because there stands Marissa, in her usual curbside location. Seriously, she could have been cast in Lady Heather's role, and no one would have thought different. She watches the car pass and smiles at Ryan, who is looking out the window and doesn't appear to react. As we see her as if through the car's rearview mirror, it's a beautiful shot -- all sunlit and kind of grainy and sad. She notices the bike in Sandy's trunk and looks confused, until Luke's car shows up to pick her up once again.