Warning: This program contains adult language, so watch it, you hump jerkoffs.
Previously, Dino the mobster makes an "eloquent witness," and his Naya-sipping, knee-high boot-wearing girlfriend Angela despairs because Dino "never even asks to see (her) tits anymore!" Aww!
On the gritty gritty street, someone is walking their wiggly puppy! So cute! Not gritty at all! The producers scramble to erase the lingering warm fuzzies and show us a crowded street scene, which includes a man with his head in his hands, a suspiciously set-aside oil drum, and a bunch of uniforms and people milling about. Kirky, Di, Ricky and Sip roll up, all squinty and hardcore, jaws set. A uniform reports, "The new owner called it in." The man with his head in his hands murmurs, "...worst nightmare...I pried the top open and found that." An old lady wearing a fuzzy pink bathrobe collars Sip and drags him aside forcibly. She crabs, "Are you a detective?" He crabs back, "Are you a wrestler?" Idea: Crabby old lady wrestling. An untapped gold mine? ["Sadly it's already been done." -- Toenail] She asks, "Is that a dead person in that barrel?" Sip says that's their impression. The lady says, "The owner of this house before? Maf. Eee. Oh. So." Sip gives her some lip about it being Mafia tradition to cram people in barrels for years, and she sasses back with, "What are you, a ballbreaker?" You win, lady. M. Emmett Walsh makes the scene , playing -- hold on now -- a crotchety, grumpy old medical examiner. He starts hassling Sip right off the bat: "Is she your type, Sipowicz?" Ricky says she's a "neighborhood hen," and M. Emmett (hereafter Memmet) says, "I thought she was your type. Thought you were getting her phone number." Sip looks put-upon and says, "When I got up this morning I was feeling pretty good!" Shed a tear for Sip!
Woosh! Subway! Drums! Keyboards! Credits! Bloosh!
Sip's on the phone, crabbing. "Oh, it's Gallagher's final show in Atlantic City? Is he never going to squish fruit ever again? Don't you remember anything about a fifty-gallon drum? I'll call back." He hangs up, then leans over to John to crab but John pretends to be busy. Wise man. Sip crabs to himself, "They don't want to miss the curtain, or get hit with any melon rinds." I shouldn't be surprised that Sip knows all about Gallagher. He's probably jealous he's missing the show. God, that's scary.
Sip, Ricky, Greg and Baldwin assemble in Fancy's office. Ricky suggests getting Dino the Cheese-Eating mobster down to rat on the former homeowner, Pete McGreeney. Baldwin mutters some exposition to Greg about how McGreeney took Dino's people out, and Sip yells, "Is this something the whole class can appreciate?" Ricky ahems to diffuse Sip's anger and asks about the Atlantic City guy Sip called. That shuts Sip up. Greg starts whispering to Baldwin about Pete McGreeney and Baldwin interrupts with the part about his wife having gone missing five years ago. Greg says that in Jewish books, it's considered a sin to interrupt. Baldwin says, "I know." Is there nothing he doesn't know? Maybe when to be quiet. Sip asks what Memmet might have against him. Fancy says he doesn't know, "the way you spread sunshine around, Andy." Zing!
The funky funky keyboards take us to a snooty neighborhood (again!) with Greg and Baldwin on stakeout. There's some press lady there too that refused to leave when Greg asked her, so Baldwin decides to try. Greg says sagely, "The question is how much attention you wanna draw in the interest of keeping a low profile." Baldwin rolls his eyes in the shape of the word "duh." He jogs over to her car and places his hand on her window, with his badge in his palm. The reporter (Elizabeth Berkley, eww) looks over, and Billy Ocean's "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car" starts blasting. Elizabeth Berkley starts salivating. Baldwin gets in and Billy Ocean fades away, just like he did in real life. "This is great," she says. Sure, great for you - you've got a super hot guy in your car. Do you know how many people hate you right now? Baldwin says he doesn't "think they get many African-Americans around there that aren't wearing delivery uniforms." EB says, like a total snot, "If you want Pete McGreeney to find out he's being watched, you're giving him a total shortcut." Baldwin asks, "What's your name?" He does not, thank god, add "Who's your daddy?" It's Nicole. Just Nicole. Like Cher, or -- shudder -- Gallagher. Baldwin notes that Nicole is only one name, and EB says rudely, "I'm one ahead of you." Reporters: Hard-bitten snooty, disrespectful freaks obsessed with only on thing: Bylines. Or is that hot cops? Baldwin says who he is and that he needs her out of there. That makes two of us. EB, pain in the ass, says "That's not happening, Baldwin. I don't care if you get Puff Daddy to sit in the back seat, I'm the only reporter to figure this out and I'm gonna stay on his tail." Then - look out - two people come out of the house they're watching. Baldwin warns her not to look at them, and EB threatens that she's going to ram the car in front of them. What? WHY!? Baldwin takes her keys and then she threatens to lean on the horn. THAT MAKES NO SENSE! Then the people pull away and she says she's going to tail them better than Medavoy will. Baldwin, along for the ride, is driven away, and Medavoy has his Chinese Fire Drill-of-one as he runs around to the driver's side and lamely follows.
Ricky's on the phone, arranging for Dino to come down and rat...I mean testify against McGreeney. "Last time he was shooting blanks!" Then, to Sip, "Non-negotiable: Dino gets to throw a hump into his girlfriend if he comes down." Sip says, "Sure, tell him we'll provide the splint." Ricky continues, "Will he still have a conversation if he can't get it up?" John makes an eww face, so I don't have to say anything. Ricky says he'll reach out for the girlfriend and hangs up. Sip provides this pearl: "A friend of mine had problems after prostrate trouble, so the doc gave him some of that Viagra, and hoo hoo, you could have hung laundry off that guy." Ricky asks, "Who was this?" Sip clams up real fast. "Don't ask me to betray that confidence." Yeah, when I have sexual performance problems, I always tell a friend about it too, not.
It's night, and we're at an Italian restaurant. Baldwin's at the bar with (I hate) Nicole. Baldwin loudly complains that they've been waiting for a table for thirty minutes, and that the car Greg got into a fender-bender was actually his. Um, not-so-subtle surveillance much? Nicole says something about Baldwin having "ants in his pants." Or something. McGreeney looks over and patronizingly asks, "How's it going? Good to see you?" Then he and some of his Italian cronies make jokes about there only used to be salt and pepper on the tables, and did you order the eggplant? Ha ha, racism is sooo funny! The hostess comes over and says McGreeney's table is almost ready, and McGreeney's girlfriend gets jealous. Then they have a tiff, which ends with McGreeney calling his g.f. "a strung out little speed freak" and manhandling her. Nicole mutters, "That girl has a fifty-gallon drum in her future," and Baldwin steps up to be chivalrous. Sigh. "Take it easy on her arm!" McGreeney says they were just leaving ANYWAYS. Nicole says "That's keeping a low profile," and she and Baldwin leave HOLDING HANDS. Oh, gross.
John comes into the office wearing a sky-blue v-neck sweater and a shirt. He holds his hands up expectantly but Sip just looks blank. "I'm not wearing an overcoat! First time this spring!" John trills. Sip says, "Good!" Wow, no bashing! Give Sip a rainbow medal. Ricky comes in and says "How's it going," to John. Sip says, "Isn't it a lovely spring day." There's sarcasm there. Ricky says Greg got Baldwin's car in a fender bender and that "Steam is coming out of Baldwin's ears." If anything happens, Sip has to stop Baldwin from whaling on Greg. As if.
Coffee room. Under the table Greg's feet are twirling a million miles a second. He thinks it would be "a scandal and a disgrace" if the lady he hit presses charges. Whatever.
Memmet comes in. He crabbily asks when the lieutenant is getting in. John says momentarily. Ricky and Sip stare at him from their desks, chopped liver. Memmet doesn't even want to wait in the same room as Sip. Sip suggests Memmet try the roof. Fancy comes in, cavalry. Baldwin follows. Sip blows a giant kiss to Baldwin. The hell? Sip says, "That was Dinah Shore, blowing a kiss goodbye to her Chevrolet." Okay, old timer.
Everyone assembles in Fancy's office to her Memmet's medical report on the oil drum corpse. Yup, it was dead. Meeting adjourned. Kidding. The body was five foot five, some shrinkage, six months pregnant, saturated in fluid, they got an address book out of her purse, and Memmet's gotta run, see ya. Sip growls that he has to give a lecture - "he teaches charm school to the trainees," and Memmet crotchety-old-mans right out: "You got one pair of balls on you, talking to me like that!" Then he leaves. Ricky says --- everybody now - "ANYWAYS, boss!" Anyways, indeed. Sip excuses himself, saying he's "gotta go see if he's pissing in my locker."
Bathroom. Ally comes out and starts pouting like there's no tomorrow. Sip comes in and inhales her. Memmet looks up, hunches his shoulders and says, "I gave you what I got!" With both barrels. Sip's like, what'd I do to you? Memmet says, "Let's just stay away from each other. Stay out of my hair!" Sip says that's a ridiculous statement coming from either of them. Memmet says he's "got a lot on (his) plate." And an endless supply of clichés, may I add. Sip asks like what. Kaboom: Memmet breaks down like my vacuum cleaner did, noisy and with tears. "My wife has cancer. She's got pain so bad I can't stand to see it. I know you got a wife that died, and you still go around like you got the world by the tail, but I can't! I caaan't! And I'm not consorting with anybody who caaaan!" Memmet wails like a vacuum cleaner until Sip pats him. "It's all right." "Oh my god! How'm I going to be able to liiiive!" The music swells as Sip pats Memmet.
Sip tells Ricky about Memmet's sick wife. Poor guy, he says. "I know those hospital cafeterias." The horror! The cafeteria!
Medavoy is rattling on to Fancy about the "utterly minor fender bender." They didn't show it, Baldwin doesn't seem to care, so neither do I. Baldwin gets a call and goes downstairs to talk to whichever brazen hussy it is, damn her.
It's Nicole, of course. She's saying, "Look me in the eye, Baldwin." Don't look! You'll fall under her stupid spell! Baldwin says the body hasn't been identified yet. "So I go with what I got." So smugly, I want to smack her. Baldwin advises that "that's the short money." Nicole looks at him and says, "You'll give me an exclusive?" He says yes! "And help with a sidebar feature, my night on surveillance." No way. "How can I sweeten the pot?" What pot? The he's-just-doing-his-job-you-giant-hussy-so-stop-throwing-yourself-on-him-pot? That pot? Baldwin says the call ID-ing the body might be coming in now, and yeah, stop bugging Baldwin, Nicole! She asks, "Did you suffer personal injury?" No, but I'm becoming sick to my stomach. "I might have to conduct my own examination." NO YOU WILL NOT. Baldwin just smiles and says, "Wanna know a secret?" Please say "I'm gay." No such luck: "I don't like the music turned up so loud." Is that a nice way of saying 'stop throwing yourself on me, brazen hussy?' Too subtle. She says she has a 7pm deadline and will call him before that. As Baldwin goes in, Dino comes out of a car with two rain coat-wearing men.
Inside the pokey, Dino is holding forth to Ricky and Sip, who are practically holding their hands over their ears with boredom. "...The decline of a certain kind of life, Pete McGreeney epitomizes. He'd murder his wife and sleep on top of her." Ricky and Sip perk up at that. He dashes their hopes by saying, "It's a figure of speech!" No it isn't. They tell him about the fifty-gallon drum and he says, "That he could do." Blah blah blah, mob stuff murdercakes, and finally Sip says, "Why do I feel we're getting what Angela got last night?" And that would be screwed. Back to the feds, Dino. Ricky says, "Maybe our future's in pimping." Maybe it is.
Phone! It's Pete McGreeney. Baldwin, hide! John freaks because Dino and Pete McGreeney are "sworn enemies!" He makes a very good horrified face.
Pete and Dino smile at each other like sharks, circling like...sharks. How ya doing! Can't complain. You? No complaints. Who'd listen anyway? Ha ha, blah blah, jovialitycakes. Pete asks what Dino's doing there. "I'm having conversations." "I'da thought you'd have lost your voice by now." "Well, garbage is garbage, and vultures are vultures." "Oh yeah! Lousy rat cheese-eater...Good to see you!" Dino strolls down the stairs. "Isn't life full of surprises!" Kirky takes Pete into the coffee room.
Baldwin's hiding. He doesn't like it. "McGreeney should know he's hot!" Well, you don't seem to know how hot you are, why should he?
Kirky's asking Pete pointed questions about "storage" and when his wife disappeared. Pete says he wishes her well, wherever she is. Sip, Ricky and Baldwin come in and say how's it going. Pete says he should have known...and what the hell is this about, anyway, storage containers in a house he used to own?
Di comes in and asks John if everyone's with Pete. The body in the barrel is not his wife!
Sip's leaning on the table, repeating, "So you wanna know what's in that drum?" Ricky whispers in Sip's ear, "Not his wife." Pete McGreeney really wants to know what's in that freaking drum now. Sip, playing CYA like a pro, tells him to go home and think about what could be in that drum, because he's "Just a menial civil service employee." McGreeney leaves in disgust. Di says the name of the dead woman in the drum: "Irma Gayego." All the Blue cops are dumbfounded. Like a Three Stooges slap, the camera waves over each of their puzzled faces.
Medavoy and Baldwin take the statement of an older, nervous, Latino lady. "I haven't seen Irma Gayego in thirty years! It was 1969. She was in love. It wasn't going good. Her married boss got her pregnant." Then Irma went missing. After two days, the lady went to Missing Persons, but they were just a stupid new wave band from the 80s and couldn't be any help. They had some good songs though. No, she couldn't file a report because she wasn't Irma's family. She starts to cry and asks, "Was the baby still inside her?" Greg and Baldwin look very sad. She pulls herself together and rats out the old boss: He had a plastic flower factory in the Bronx. Go get him!
Kirky and Di are blabbing about their day. Di says, "What were the odds of Pete McGreeney not being locked up?" Angela strolls in. "Can we speak?" Sure. They follow her into the coffee room, the camera waving down to get a shot of her knee-high boots, and Kirky says, "You're walking a little wide, Angela." I love Angela for saying, "What an intensely personal observation." They offer her coffee, but of course, she's got her Naya bottle as a shout-out to Wing Chun. Hi, Wing! Angela asks if Dino was any help, and that she knew "him putting the wood to me was quid pro quo," and that she deserves "a Purple Heart" for servicing him. Talk about intensely personal, jeez. Angela wants to help bust Pete McGreeney because she's "sick of being a sexual football." She knows McGreeney killed his wife and buried her behind his brother's house in Englewood Cliffs. Di and Kirky look at each other.
Sip and Ricky are hanging out with the homeowner guy in his now tainted home. He doesn't want to leave. "You can't throw me out!" Sip growls, "Hard enough he'll bounce." Good one. Hello? It's an elderly couple, the owners before Pete McGreeney. Sip and Ricky introduce themselves, and the present owner says "I'm the present owner." NO ONE CARES. Sip shoos him away. They have a brief conversation: there was a body found in an oil drum, the body was known to the couple, the husband denies it and then he "has to urinate. Is that allowed?" Sure, that bathroom is in the same place. When he leaves the wife starts talking. "He was involved with her. Was there a baby inside of her?" BLAM! A gunshot is heard and the present home owner babbles, "Oh my god he shot himself he shot himself in the head." That's that. "Justice" is "served."
It's night. Baldwin meets Nicole outside the station house. Yes, the skank's still here. "It's ten minutes to seven, Baldwin." Oh, maybe you'd like him to type the story in for you, too? Baldwin tells her that the body in the oil drum was not Pete McGreeney's wife. "Oh great. That will buy me twelve lines on page four." Yes, reporters are this selfish all the time. Then, for whatever reason, Baldwin tells her about Pete McGreeney's wife allegedly being buried in New Jersey. Why, Baldwin, Why? Nicole says stupidly, "Oh my god. Why are you giving this to me?" From now on, I never want to hear Elizabeth Berkley utter the words "giving this to me" to, near or around Baldwin. Baldwin says because she cooperated. "You just lay it out right in front of you, don't you." Ditto this phrase, Elizabeth Berkley. Never utter it again. Baldwin says it's easier this way. EB says, and I could barely hear it over the screaming, "Would it be easier getting into bed with you if I told you I was a sister?" Baldwin makes a face (please be repulsed, please be repulsed), and asks, "Are you?" WRONG REPLY! The answer was "NO!" EB says, "Absolutely." There are no absolutes - now GO AWAY. Thank God Baldwin says, "That's not what it's about, Nicole." She replies, "I'd sure like to find out what it is about..." It's about him being a police officer and you being a brazen hussy! "...but not as much as I want to file on this story." Oh, career first, footsie with Baldwin second? You lose again. She saunters off, saying, "I'm calling you from the word processor to get those names!" Oh yes, don't write them down now - bother Baldwin some more, he doesn't mind. Baldwin says "take care," and sighs. Whew, you got away. Now let us never see Nicole ever again.
Memmet and Sip are sitting in a hospital cafeteria. They sit so expectantly, it's like any heart-to-heart in a hospital cafeteria before this one had only aspired to be this somber and heartfelt. Hospital cafeteria scenes, you were just embryonic before this moment. Memmet says, blinking like an outboard motor, "I'm so afraid for her to die!" Sip says at some point it will be a relief. Memmet asks, "Was it a relief for you? She's everything in the world. I'm afraid to let her go! I know that there's nothing after death." Woah, heavy. Sip begins to go into his very, very sad (and gritty!) past: Dead wife and murdered son Andy Jr. and it ends up here: "I knew there was no God. I dreamt of him coming back, a spirit. My ex-wife has visions. It feels real. It's come to me since people I loved died. Maybe it'll come to you. I promise it feels real." Insert your definitions for "it" here: Spirituality, comfort, God, fishcakes. Andy and Memmet hold hands in the hospital cafeteria like two people have never held hands before.