Look out, there's adult language! But I really miss the nudity. Plus it's Baldwin's turn.
Some gangsta synthesizers take us around New York and end up at a fancy apartment building. There's yellow police tape across a doorway. Ricky and Sip stand on the other side, and finally Sip calls out, "Yoo-hoo." Really, he does. No one appears and they just go under the tape, Sip saying, "This is gonna be an art theft?" Groan...nobody likes art anymore! It's a dying...you know. A uniform comes out and hands Sip a note from the owner: "He couldn't stick around." Sip goes, "Oh." It's a very rich reading of the text. "Did he have a squash lesson?" Then he reads the note: "'Need a drink someplace' -- ha! -- 'where I don't have to look at all these empty frames.'" Ricky says, looking at a modern-square-jumble-painting hanging over the fireplace, "I definitely know why they didn't take this one." Hey, Ricky may not know art, but he knows what he likes, right? The uniform says the owner went off with a girl. Sip gets mad (yay!) and says, "You know, I am starting to take a burn at you, on account of you dispensing information in dribs and drabs." The uniform quakes a bit, then reads off his notebook, "The woman's name is Nicky Cameron. The owner is Noel Beller." "And the woman is to the man...what?" Hey, if you don't know what a woman is to a man by now, I think you should be listening to more pop music. You'll learn. The uniform says, "She was consoling him. I was the first one on the scene, I didn't think it was my place to do an interview." Ricky notices the apartment door looks battered on both sides, and he and Sip toss words like "novice," "misdirect," and "amateur thief" around. Hmm. Sip asks, "How many drinks until this guy evens out?" The uniform doesn't "see him on a bender." Ooh, did Dionne Warwick tell you that? Sip says snarkily, "If he returns, persuade him to stay." Then he looks at a statue of a man and a woman (taking notes, Sip?) and sniffs.
Woosh! Bloosh! Credits!
Hey, Jimmy Smits is in a boxing movie! Go check it out and remember the days when Blue used to be really, really good.
More gangsta keyboards lead us around NYC until we end up at the station house. A weird, buggy-eyed guy comes in. John asks what it is he needs and the buggy guy says, "My wife is missing." John summons Medavoy and the Buggy Guy continues, "Yvette Gunther. My wife." Medavoy and Baldwin lead him into the coffee room and they all sit there silently. The Buggy Guy's eyes are wide open but he doesn't look at either Greg or Baldwin. They sure are looking at him though. B.G. starts talking: "My wife was going to take a trip. She had a ticket to St. Augustine. She was packed and ready to go...she never called. When I got home her ticket and luggage were still there." Lengthy pause. Stare stare stare. Greg sits opposite him and pointedly says, "Huh!" B.G hands over his wife's picture and description; he had hit a Kinko's earlier and postered his neighborhood. "So you were very active before coming in," says Greg. Baldwin asks whether there were any domestic problems. "There are bound to be some when you've been married thirty years...I was sloppy, late...whatever the complaint of the day was." There's something to look forward to, newly-marrieds. ["I heard that." -- Wing Chun, crusty old married broad] Baldwin asks whether Yvette ever spoke of suicide. "Not to me," her husband says. How cheery. So, B.G. says he runs a lampshade factory, Greg says they're going to open a file on his wife, and B.G. thanks them and says that he'll show himself out. Greg and Baldwin watch him go and Greg says, "I think we now know how a male resident of Mars would report his wife missing." Baldwin nods gravely.
More gangsta keyboards lead us around and back to the station. Voices drift in from the corridor: "Is this where we go? My heart is going like crazy." It's the art guy, in a creepy trenchcoat and shades, and the lady, a hot redhead wearing a sharp leather jacket. John says, "I'm so sorry about your collection," and the art guy, who looks a bit weathered in spite of his groovy shades, says, "That's kind of you to say." Sip says from across the room, "How's it going." The art guy reels and echoes, "How's it going?" Red (™ 50ftQueenie) chimes in, "Mr. Beller's collection was stolen." Sip say,. "I know. It's my case." The art guy, new to Sip and colloquial greetings, says "If you know, why in heaven's name would you ask 'how's it going'?" Sip, fed up, says, "If you have a gun, feel free to shoot me. I meant it like 'hello.'" The most awkward pause falls over the office, with Sip steaming like, who are these snooty people, and John cringing towards Beller and Red, as if to say, oh, he's always that way, and Beller and Red wishing they could have cops who kissed their asses in the manner to which they are accustomed. Welcome to the show, guys! This looks like fun. Ricky walks in and breaks the silence. Sip says, "Don't ask how's it going." Ricky says hello. Sip says, "Mr. Beller had his art collection stolen," and Beller goes, quick like a bunny, "What do you mean by that?" Sip backpedals, "Not that you had it stolen...this is going to be a pip." Ricky asks Red who she might be, other than a stone fox, that is. She's Nicky, from Santa Monica, and she likes long walks on the beach and blonde, creased-looking NYC cops. Hi! She's preparing an article on Mr. Beller. Beller chimes in, "We might call it, 'Objet collection of love stolen from Noel Beller's possession.'" Aww! Nicky says, aww-lingly, "Don't you take that defeatist tone." Oy. So what was stolen? "A Mondrian, appraised at $4 million seven years ago..." Nicky jumps in: "With Arabic internet money flooding the market it could fetch a lot more." Beller continues, "An Arthur Dove watercolor, a Stuart Davis gouache, some Jacquometti drawings." All through this laundry list of art, John queenily covers his mouth and acts as horrified as any silent movie actor facing a giant bear would. Sip looks over his shoulder and takes it all in. John is such a barometer for emotion in the office. Nicky adds, "Good thing it's all insured -- not that that can make up for the emotional devastation." Beller says he also lost all his jewelry, including a diamond bracelet and cufflinks. "It'll all end up in some pawnshop," and Nicky adds, "Keeping some drug addict in heroin." Ricky adds that the door was battered, and Sip asks who had keys to Beller's place. His cousin, Evan Sibley did, but Nicky thinks the notion of Evan robbing his cousin is "impossible." No, it isn't. Sip asks if anyone could be angry with Beller and he says, "Only those I choose to be disagreeable towards." Yeah, that's usually how it works. And what does Beller do? "I have my interests, my routines." And did he bring in any photos of the missing art? "Ah! I'm a dolt! I'm incapable of committing a cogent act right now," and he smacks his head. Sip and Ricky look like they'd like to smack his head as well. Red says she'll get the photos to them. What is she, Beller's hot mom? Ricky asks where it is Red's staying and she says the Essex House. Ricky just wants to be sure they can get on touch and she shoots him this lusty look, like, call ANYTIME. As they leave, Sip says, "Sorry about your art," and Beller, snot, says, "You might have commiserated by offering me some kind of beverage." Sip asks, "You want a beverage?" Beller says snottily, "No. Not now." He dons his shades with extra attitude and he and Red leave. Sip says, "How about a cup of liquid Drano?" John says, "That wouldn't be the only toxic chemical he's ingested today." Buh-dum-dum CRASH!
Ricky and Sip are in Fancy's office with their special art-thief cop, who's checking out the photos of the stolen paintings: "The Mondrian is not what I like, but it's decent. [Beller] is a real social-type douchebag. You see him at parties...he didn't have any money problems; his grandfather made toilet bowls." Hee! The art-thief specialist asks Sip whether he's lost weight. Yup, he did. The specialist says he's going to go on "a total regimen" himself. Ricky asks when: "Income tax day?" Ooh! The specialist says, "Wait 'til you hit thirty-five and your metabolism slows down!" Just you wait, whippersnapper! Ricky snorts and says that guy "can't see thirty-five in his rear-view mirror," and Sip adds, "Some people start to diet when their stomach sticks out more than their dicky do." Fat men everywhere either nod in agreement or cringe. Ricky and Fancy look horrified but say nothing. Then Ricky says that the cousin that had keys to Beller's place is in fact in New York. Fancy says, "That's worth an unannounced appearance." Then, in comes Red. Fancy asks, "We like her?" Well, Ricky does. He runs to talk to her. Sip comments on her long legs and that, "She's gonna try something. It's gonna be with him."
Ricky stands in front of Red and says, "Permit me to immediately offer you a beverage." How about a tub of your bath water, baby! She laughs and tosses her head in response. "I'm not a stickler for refreshments like Noel is." Oh, just do it already. Ricky asks to talk in "the refreshment area, where there is coffee, soda, bottled water, and food left for periods up to several weeks." Charming. She says, "I wish I could say I've never heard of such a thing," and he goes, "Food left over: The universal sign of single people," and the electricity between them crackles some more. Then she says, "Um, can I get a Sprite?" Ricky says that's an "upset." Actually, it's the uncola. No, wait, that's 7-Up. Then Ricky asks whether she remembers the Tom Cruise movie Cocktail and she says do I? DO I EVER! Kidding. He offers to toss her Sprite over his shoulder à la Tom "Not One Oscar™" Cruise and she giggles uncontrollably and says, "I think it might spray all over!" Oh my god, just DO IT already. Then she calms down and says, "Don't suspect me because I'm nervous." Okay, but can I hate you because you're beautiful? Because you are! They sit down and Red goes into this rap about Noel being vindictive if he knows he's being crossed, and that she knows his cousin Evan is actually in gritty gritty New York City. Ricky says they know that and they're going to reach out to him. Then she says she doesn't want Noel angry with her and he finishes her sentence, adding that if Noel's mad he won't let Red write the article. Red adds to Ricky's adding that the article would be her first: "I'm a bit of a hanger-on. My big accomplishment in life is having parents that sent me to Vassar." Oh, boo hoo! So sad! Ricky sits there crying, not, and then says, "Maybe Noel stole the paintings and is framing his cousin. Then you could sell the article to People magazine." She laughs politely and says she thinks that "may not be the best venue, but it would have a larger audience." Snot. Ricky walks her out and she says schoolgirlishly, "Thanks for the Sprite. It's the first I've had since I was a junior in high school, and I can't tell you why." Ricky looks at her searchingly and says, "New ad campaign?" Make 7-Up yours! Oops, wrong again. Anyways, the sparks crackle away and then Red exits. John and Sip look at Ricky, but don't say "ooh!" or anything about sitting in a tree. Ricky says he thinks she's got something to do with the art theft, and Sip says, "Maybe you can talk about it over a banana split at Rumplestiltskin's." Zing! That's what I'm talking about. Ricky says, "It's Rumplemeyer's," and that he took his sisters there when they each turned ten. Then he takes a paper clip and Sip notices. Sip asks if they're going to call on Cousin Evan and Ricky says, "Let's give her a chance to clear the building first."
The keyboards freak out for a moment and then calm down as we end up back at the station house. A guy wearing a tie and trenchcoat walks up the steps with one of the Buggy Guy's posters in his hand. Baldwin asks if he needs help and Trenchcoat says that the poster offers a reward, and that he has info on Mr. Gunther, to whom he rented a car just yesterday. Mr. Gunther was acting strange. Greg goes, "Strange, eh?" Trenchcoat asks who's offering the reward again, but Baldwin and Greg blow him off. Trenchcoat goes into his story: Buggy Guy Gunther rented a station wagon and started dickering over the rental agreement on the street, saying he wanted the seven-day discount you get when you reserve in advance. "He said, 'Take the wagon back, I don't want it, I'll take my business elsewhere.' So I off-load the luggage and then he says he wants it! So I look at him and say, 'Mr. Gunther, if you think I'm reloading this luggage I just off-loaded with my bad back, I hope you're driving to see a psychiatrist.' He acted like he didn't even hear me; he just drove away." Baldwin asks if he can describe the luggage: Yeah, it's plaid-paneled standard size. Greg asks if it had "any odor." Trenchcoat says "No," and then, "Oh god! Oh god! I loaded and off-loaded that luggage!" Greg advises him not to get ahead of things and to "Leave the gruesome imaginings to Tales from the Crypt." Trenchcoat asks about the reward AGAIN and they reluctantly tell him it's Mr. Gunther's reward. "Who I'm in here reporting?" Yup, same guy. The keyboards start up mischievously and Trenchcoat leaves, muttering. Comedy!
Baldwin and Greg go into Fancy's office to fill him in. They think Gunther killed his wife. Greg says they're going to reach out for him: "Firing our retro thrusters, heh heh, we will reach the surface in out landing module, ha ha, and with this wacky Gunther, we will bring him back to our home planet." Fancy sits stone-faced and Baldwin actually cringes though this. Greg and Baldwin leave and Greg snaps at Baldwin that he might have considered a "rescue mission." Baldwin asks when, "during the retro thrusters, the landing module?" Greg asks Baldwin to never mention that conversation again. Baldwin smiles (sigh!) and says, "How's it going," to Noel and his cousin, who are sitting in front of John's desk. Noel snarks, "Everyone, even the mortally wounded, get asked 'How's it going.'"
In the hall, about four people ask each other "how's it going." This will never stop being funny.
Sip and Ricky walk in and Noel leaps up and says, "Gentlemen, how's it going." Okay, it just stopped being funny. Noel introduces his cousin, and feels "character excludes [him] from suspicion. How's it going, in that regard?" Okay, not funny anymore! Noel suspects Red. Ricky suspects Noel because he's the kind of "hump jerk-off who gets bored with routines." Noel tells them that he takes too much Vicodin for that, and that Red is at his place right now, and to "enjoy the floor show." Ricky leaves with Sip, muttering, "See, none of them let you like them." Hee.
Now we get a dialogue-less montage set to moody keyboard music near Gunther's lampshade factory, where a worker mimes seeing Gunther drive in and dig for a while before driving off. Baldwin and Greg investigate and see the tire tracks and poke the recently dug earth with a stick before leaving.
Ricky and Sip arrive at Noel's apartment. Ding-dong, detectives! Red lets them in and is surprised. Ricky says she's a suspect. She says, "That's perverse." Sip says, "Sexual preference has nothing to do with it." Ba-da-boom! Oh, this episode is a scream. The phone starts ringing, Sip looks around for it, and oh no! There's a gun pointed at him! Sip draws his gun and thunders, "Lay it down or you die!" Ricky and Red hit the dirt and Red screams out, "Derek, for God's sake!" After a few tense moments Derek says peevishly, "All right! I'm putting it on the ground...pushing it away." Ricky answers the phone, "What! Beller residence!" Then he puts Noel on over the speakerphone. "How's my little play going? Is Derek there?" Ricky mentions that there was a "surprise prop." Noel asks, "What sort of prop? I confided to Nicky my suspicions." Ricky suggests that Noel take his "curtain call down at the station." Way to carry out the theater allusion, Ricky. Then Noel says, "Bravo, detectives," Ricky adds, "Wonderful," and hangs up. Sip grumbles, "Walked us into an ambush..." Hey, can you make a theater reference please? It would help the scene.
The drums pound away and Greg and Baldwin lead Buggy Guy Gunther into the pokey. They tell his some story about a woman fitting his wife's description turning up in Atlantic City, disoriented. B.G.G. says he'd "very much like to meet this woman." Greg says, "See, right now you're supposed to say, 'Is there a phone number where I can call? I'm so glad!'" B.G.G. says, "That goes without saying." Greg says, "No, it usually gets said." Then Baldwin launches into a speech about "Luminol," which when put on a crime scene where a body has been dismembered into small enough pieces to fit into three suitcases, shows blood. That along with it's good to confess to a crime before incriminating evidence is gathered. Now, is the woman in Atlantic City Yvette? B.G.G. says, "You might ask if that woman is in any way tolerable as a human being, which would rule Yvette out completely." Well.
Ricky and Sip come up the stairs, leading Red and Derek (respectively) along. Ricky tosses Red over to Diane and says she needs a cavity search. Red protests but Di's in charge. Derek says, "The only thing you're gonna be doing for me is calling me a lawyer." Sip steals my joke and says, "Okay, you're a lawyer." Derek flirts with death by telling Sip, "Kiss my ass." Look out. Sip pinches Derek's nose between his fingers and asks him to say it again, mimicking how "kiss my ass" would sound coming though a pinched nose. Sip leads Derek's pinched nose to John's desk and asks if the pokey is occupied. John recoils in horror (a man with a pinched nose, eek!) and says that it is, and that Greg and Baldwin are in there. Sip bullies John by saying, "That's the answer to one question I did ask and one I didn't." Then he tosses Derek onto the bench and goes to the pokey. John promptly offers Derek a tissue.
Ricky bursts into the locker room where Di's watching Red take her clothes off. WOOOH! Red's in her black bra (!) and crosses her arms over herself when Ricky appears. Ricky says, "Relax." Frankie say don't do it! Red snaps, "I'll come here the time I wanna do that." Ricky snaps back, "This is where you are!" That's deep, Ricky. Then he yells, "let her put her sweater on." Di sarcastically says, "Okay, Commander." Hee.
Sip pokes his head into the pokey and asks Greg and Baldwin if they need the room. Greg says they're taking a statement. That wasn't the question Sip asked, now, was it? Greg and Baldwin are accommodating and agree to move. Continuing the comedy, the Buggy Guy says, "I prefer the refreshment room." Wah wah!
Ricky is telling Red to get Derek to corroborate her story. "Will it corroborate my innocence?" she asks. Ricky yells at her, "ARE you innocent?" Red cries. Oh, boo hoo, no one said anything about coming to a bad end when I was at Vassar!
Hank, Blue extra extraordinare, leads Derek into the pokey where Red is sitting. Hank has a line! "Are you supposed to be in here? Don't be talking to each other; that's a two-way mirror and you are under observation." From behind the mirror, Sip says, "Tell them the truth; that's the one thing they don't believe." Derek says a number of nasty things to Red, like, "Got your legs up for him?" She fires back, "Do you think a lawyer and those Randy Travis sideburns can get you out of this? I never tried to rob anyone until I met you." Derek, slime, says, "It's just like when I made you scream in bed -- you didn't know you had it in you." Red totally breaks down in sobs and not-so-subtly looks at the two-way mirror. Ricky asks if that's enough and Sip says it is.
Noel is sitting on the bench, with Kirky parked on John's desk, arms folded, foot tapping, watching him. Noel asks to see Ricky or Sip, since "they wouldn't want [him] cooling [his] heels." Kirky makes a crack about Noel doing just that for eighteen months. What? Kirky says, "Not my case, not my place." Noel gets nervous and says, "That's almost metaphysical for a police aphorism." Groovy, baby! Kirky says, all hard-boiled, "With your problems I wouldn't be making comments about my ass." Arf arf. Then she calls him a "Vicodin freak," at which Noel gets really nervous and asks for Ricky or Sip again. Kirky suggests calling either "his lawyer or his dealer," and John cracks, "Unless they're the same person." Sip and Ricky roll in and ask how's it going. Noel says, "Not good." They tell him Derek had a gun. "Derek had a gun?" says Noel. Sip mimics him and says he should have to listen to a tape of that for the rest of his life. "Can I do that instead of jail?" Ricky yells, "You're not going to jail!" Noel gets it and says, "So this was just some morality play?" Sip tells him he "should be smacked in the back of the head for six hours, but we have homes to go to." Noel skedaddles, and Sip contemplates calling a desk sergeant to get Noel shaken down for his pills. Ricky says that would be beneath them, they pause, and both reach for their phones at the same time. Comedy gold!
It's bedtime at the Sipowicz residence, and Sip's reading Green Eggs and Ham to the adorable Theo. Yay, Theo! After reading from the text, Theo wants to hear some original rhymes from Snoop Sippy Sip, and he busts out with: "I would not eat them on the bus, I would not put them in my truss, I wold not eat them with Cousin Gus." Don't quit the cop thing, Sip. Then Sip shows Theo some watercolors and asks if Theo could turn these out on a regular basis. Hee. Sip says Theo's a better painter than some of those guys out there, and that anytime he wants to pick up a brush he should holler. Theo mock-hollers, "I don't want to pick up a bruu-uush." Oh my god he is cute. Sip picks up Dr. Seuss again and Theo creeps over and grabs his daddy's nose before nuzzling it and collapsing on his chest for a snuggle. Is Theo ever going to act like a normal four-year-old or is he going to be this incredibly adorable forever?