No nudity again? What the hell is going on!
A street montage lead us around some not-very-gritty streets, a battalion of flags, and a fancy apartment building complete with a doorman -- a very un-gritty doorman, to be exact. He looks very neat in his uniform and little hat. Sip, Greg and Ricky look a little out of place, all squinty and hard-core. The doorman's very concerned about a missing, "very in-touch" tenant, Walter Good. Walter has no family except for a "smart-ass, piss-pot nephew, who said he's probably up at the Hamptons banging another twenty-two-year-old guy." What fun. Greg says, "His new taupe Mercedes is missing." Sip's eyes narrow as he repeats, "'Taupe'?" Ricky leans in conspiratorially, sounding not unlike Martha Stewart as he says, "Taupe, it's a color, kind of like beige." Sips bobbles his head back and forth like, oh, taupe, another fancy new thing for these people! Why is my life so drab and simple? Curses! I must run out and but the latest issue of In Style! Then Sip asks, "Is the apartment done in taupe too? Because we may need to take a look at that." Greg and Ricky giggle -- in excitement? Perhaps. The doorman says the apartment was undisturbed. Ricky points out that the doorman is taking a lot of initiative, and the doorman says he was worried sick as he leads them to the empty parking space and says, "There's something right there." Sip bends down and examines a clotted bloody clump down on the driver's side of the asphalt. Sip starts getting steamed as he says, "Did you see this blood and hair here?" The doorguy says, "Yes." Sip asks if he thinks the doorguy should have "conveyed that part of his head occupied his parking space" rather than that the missing guy's car was taupe. The doorguy stupidly says, "That's when I deduced foul play." Sip, in fine sarcastic form, says, "You suspected foul play from some blood and hair and little bits of brain matter? You may be in the wrong line of work!" The doorguy, perfect straight man, goes, "Good! I think I'm gonna be looking for a job!" The only thing more perfect than the setup for that line is the withering look Sip shoots him following its delivery.
Woosh! Bloosh! Subway rushing! Credits rolling!
In case you didn't know New York City was gritty, check out these street shots of a cement mixer and a lady with Manic Panic-ed hair. Gritty, huh? Huh? Now, the station house. Di's headed up the steps and runs into a family having a drink at the water fountain. They all stop and look at Diane like she's a museum exhibit. Looky here, a detective! Di's like, "Can I help you?" The daughter is red-haired with very fair eyebrows, and the mom looks like Sissy Spacek. The dad seems hardy enough, but the whole family lacks the necessary grit it takes to live in New York. You can tell just by looking at them. The dad speaks: "Something terrible happened to our daughter. Anya. She was attacked." Di leads them in and asks John to see if the parents want some coffee from downstairs while she interviews the daughter. The mom says, "We need to be with her!" Di asks how old Anya is and before she can answer, the mom says, "Twenty-three." Di says that since Anya is not a minor her parents are not required to be with her but she can make an exception. Anya speaks and says, "Not if it interferes with procedure." Di takes her into the coffee room and Kirky tries to tell the parents they'll be close enough just sitting outside.
Anya haltingly begins to tell her story. "There were these sick kitties at work...I stayed late petting them...I left around 9:15. I was waiting for the bus when three Spanish guys grabbed me and said they would kill me...they tied my jacket hood low on my face and started walking me...I tried to count the seconds...one one thousand...." Di says, "That was smart." Anya then says, "After sixteen and a half minutes, I heard sounds of construction..." Di grabs her hair in an oh-so-subtle gesture of frustration and says, "That was really helpful, that you paid attention to all this." Anya continues slowly and tearfully. "We went up three flights of stairs...the doors were unlocked...there was a mattress with no sheets...it was dirty...and after eighty-five minutes...two new guys came in...none of them said their names...they all smelled like beer...if I hadn't stayed late...." Di interrupts and says, "If you had fought, they might have killed you." Anya says, "Can you tell my parents? They don't know about the sex part." Di says yeah and hugs her.
Di comes out to hear Anya's mom complaining to Kirky about New York: It's so GRITTY! Just kidding. "There's every element. Is she all right? Why is the door closed?" Di says, "Anya was attacked sexually and had no opportunity to resist." The parents are stone-faced, stunned but not in a very nice way. The dad says, "She said she wasn't hurt. She said she juts wanted to report the incident." The mom goes in and, standing behind Anya, puts her hands on her shoulders. What a warm set of parents, not.
Some smarmy-looking yuppie comes in, on his cell phone. He snaps at John, "I'm Danny Good. My uncle's missing." John says, "The investigating detectives are just on their way back," then makes a gesture like, 'please have a seat right there.' Donny makes a face, imitates John's gesture and sits down, rolling his eyes as he does. Hey Donny, check this gesture out! Not so polite, is it? John gets as icy as I've ever seen him as Donny gives him the once-over. Then Donny says, "Ever run into a guy named Blake from Louisville?" John asks what the hell it is he's talking about, but more politely. Donny says, "He probably killed my uncle. I thought your flight paths might have crossed." I hate Donny. Ricky and Sip come in and Donny leaps up, "Is one of you Sorenson?" Yes, and this is Sipowicz. Donny says, "Hello, Sipowicz." Wow, he's scoring off Sip now! Anyway, there's nothing NEW about his uncle being missing and a bloody hunk of his head on the asphalt, so why'd you call Donny? John helpfully says Donny thinks Blake from Louisville killed his uncle. Ricky and Sip lead Donny over to their desks, asking who Blake is. Donny, champion of snot, says, "That guy's gay, right? Blake's another fag." What a humanitarian! Even Sip is disgusted, and says, "I'm trying to remember the last time I took a shine to someone right off the bat like I have with you, Donny." Donny, new to sarcasm, says, "I grow on people." Yeah, yeah, fungus. Ricky and Sip casually comment that Uncle Walter had a nice place and a "nice taupe Mercedes," and Donny busts out, "Guys, I have my own investing firm and fifty thousand shares of stock and I don't need to kill anyone." Ricky asks if he "knows how to reach out to this Blake," and Donny THROWS his address book at him. Sip says, "Don't throw stuff at us, Donny, or we'll throw things at you." Like 'the book,' maybe? Anyway, Ricky calls Blake's MOM and fakes her out with a concert-ticket-story to get Blake's new number. Donny says, "You guys are dogs," and Sip shushes him. Ricky hands back the address book and says, "See how nice I handed this back to you?" Sip goes, "How can we get in touch with you, through your broker?" Donny goes, "After I leave, explain the concept of the Internet to him?" Don't forget to mention Mightybigtv.com! Then Donny lays his version of a zinger on John, "See ya, gorgeous." John doesn't even look up as he says, "Keep thinking you're straight." GO JOHN! Donny does a double take and runs out. Sip asks John, "That crack you made...were you inferring that Donny --" and pumps his fist sideways. John says, "Please," and pumps his fist out straight. Sip chuckles.
I love the home video All ad when the kid throws dirt on the dog and then the dog digs dirt on the kid. It's very verité, very Blair Witch. And it has a doggie!
Here's a gritty montage scene of Di, Kirky and Anya. Anya is leading Di and Kirky through the paces her rapists led her. Here's the bus stop where she waited, here's where the three men accosted her...it's very depressing. Anya asks, "It was all right not to let my parents come?" Kirky says, "It wouldn't have done them any good." Anya adds, "And it didn't happen to them." Then, strengthened, she leads Di and Kirky on, counting slowly.
Back at the station house, Ricky and Sip bring Blake from Louisville into the interrogation room. Blake has sandy hair and a neatly trimmed beard, and with his spiffy workout jacket on he could be from a fictitious boy band, like say, Down South! Or, Good Old Boyz! (The exclamation point gives it that extra punch.) Blake says, for no apparent reason other than to demonstrate his Southern-ness, "Oh for heaven's sake," and "In mah entahrye lahfe ah've never been in a police station." Well, my swan! Care for some lemonade? With or without grit? As if you have a choice. Ricky says Walter's car is missing, and Blake says, "If Walter said I took his car, it's an outright lie. I'd never do that, and if he's saying different he's out-and-out lying." Hee hee, he said "out" three times. Get it? Gay...OUT? Sip and Ricky ask when was the last time Blake saw Walter, and Blake says "Twenty-three days." Sip asks if he's marked them off on his calendar and Blake says yes, unashamed. Aww, he's counted the days! Breaking up is hard to do, isn't it. Then they tell him that Walter's missing too, along with his car. Does he think Walter just took off? Blake says, "That would be the best present in the world Walter could have given himself." Aww, he's so sweet! Then Ricky and Sip drop the bomb and say they think something bad may have happened to Walter. Blake gets weepy, and a bit Christian. "Oh my God! God in heaven! I would never do anything to hurt Walter, or his car, or any living thing! This is so terrible!" God bless the beasts and taupe Mercedes, right? Then Sip asks what Blake's current beau, Phillip, thinks of Walter. Blake can't really say. Sip says, "Don't you tell war stories of intimacies?" Hee hee, we all do. It's what separates us from the animals! Blake says, "Phillip thought Walter was Satan incarnate." Satan! Cool! Cue the scary music: BUM BUM BUUUM!
Another gritty montage of Anya counting and leading Di and Kirky to the apartment where she was raped. It's an unlocked apartment building with construction outside, just like she said. The hunky Baldwin rolls up in his taupe-ish Ford and follows them in.
The apartment door isn't locked either and Di pushes it open and charges in...no one's there. There's a table covered with empty beer bottles and a mattress on the floor, just as Anya described. "It was here. This is where it happened," she says. Then, some dorky guy with a mustache pokes his head in. "I didn't know anyone was in here." Di says they're checking up on an incident that happened last night. Did he hear anything go on in here last night? Oh, no, not him! "The Wild World of Wrestling is on pretty loud...why, what happened here last night?" All innocent and curious, and creepy. They blow him off and he leaves. Anya says, "Son of a bitch." Kirky asks if he was one of the rapists and Anya says he was the last one. Baldwin goes and collars the guy before he goes into his place to watch more wrestling. Di and Kirky watch as Baldwin drags him down the stairs and Kirky says, "He didn't even recognize her." Di says, "Not without her sweater over her head." Anya pops up behind them and asks, "Did I help? Not showing I was scared?" Di says yes, she did help.
A cocky-looking guy in a leather jacket cruises into the pokey with Ricky and Sip and reads a sign above the cage door: "Welcome to the pokey." There's a glum face in the "o," and a stick figure in what's supposed to be the pokey. Then he turns to Sip and asks, "Did you draw that?" Okay, first of all, I've never seen that sign in the pokey before, and I doubt I'll ever see it again. Who drew it, Theo? Where the hell is Theo, anyway? What is this? The snoot continues, "Does it please you to know you cost a man his day's salary?" Yeah, don't they look pleased? Ricky says, "We're sorry," and the snoot says, "That's more than adequate compensation." What do you know about Walter Good, they ask? "I know his name confirms irony as a concept." Okay, everybody get that this is Phillip, Blake's new boyfriend, and that he's a giant snot? And smart? And that he thinks he's smarter than Ricky and Sip? And that no matter how much Sip intimidates him or how much Ricky sits opposite him with his hands folded he's not going to say anything about Walter's disappearance? Because that's how it goes down.
Ricky and Sip let Phillip out of the pokey and Sip calls out, "Don't expect Blake home anytime soon." Phillip makes a crack about fascist police in South America and Sip says he thought all the gauchos were in South America, and I thought gauchos were a kind of pant? Like a clamdigger but with a wider leg? Anyway, John comes out of the observation room to hear Phillip call Sip a "vulgar pig," and Sip responds that he wants to "oink," and then Phillip tells them to tell Blake he's going to "widen the loop," and Sip gets a good one in ("widen the loop? And then what are you gonna do, stick your weenie in it?") before he stalks off. Then, Sip ASKS JOHN what he thinks! John says he thinks Phillip killed that man. Sip says he does too, but that he needs help figuring out his mental state. John says, "I'm new at this; give me a chance." Ricky says, "Take your time," and John strides off purposefully. Sip looks after him like, that gay guy is gonna save us all!
The funky funky keyboard leads us all around NYC and ends up at the station house. Sip and Ricky are in Fancy's office explaining about their case, with Sip saying "gay" this and "fruit" that and Ricky ahem-ing at every opportunity until Fancy says, "Andy, we've got it. We know everyone involved is gay." Anyways!
Sip and Ricky lead Fancy out to get John's perspective. John looks terrified, and begins slowly: "I don't think Phillip killed him for money...I think he killed him because he needed to be the only thing in that boy's head...Phillip is so afraid....let me collect myself." Sip jumps in but Fancy says, "How about you let John talk." Yeah, Let JOHN talk! "Phillip can't stand being compared with anyone. Blake wouldn't hate Walter. Phillip is going to bring back a lawyer for Phillip; that's what widening the loop meant." Sip says, "Protecting his own sick ass is less important to him than getting Blake back on his team." Hee hee, Sip said "ass." John continues, "If Blake doesn't want a lawyer, he sends the lawyer away. He needs to be the only thing in that boy's head." Fancy nods. Sip gives John the thumbs-up. Go John! Win that respect!
Baldwin casually walks the rapist in, and over to his desk. The rapist asks, "Those women detectives were staring daggers." Baldwin goes, "Don't worry about them." "Does that mean I gotta worry about you?" Yes, stupid, you should. Baldwin asks about the "trespassing" in that unlocked apartment. The rapist says, "Kids were around. No big deal." Baldwin asks for names and the rapist says, "No. I don't want to get in trouble, or in the middle of something." Baldwin says if he wants to get out of here, he needs some names. NOW. The rapist only knows one guy's name: "Eddie Felix. I took out the trash and heard then partying." Baldwin asks, "Drinking, drugs?" No drugs. "Girls?" The rapist pauses, then continues, "I'm a family man, married eighteen years. We all have urges." Baldwin goes "Mm-hmm," impassively. "Eddie says, 'Wanna throw a hump in this girl?' My wife and kids are watching TV. Who would ever guess there would be any excitement? So I went and threw a hump into her." Baldwin's face is a blank mask as he asks, "She seem to enjoy it?" The rapist says, with no apparent irony, "I dunno...she seemed kind of tired. There had been four of them already. What does one more matter?" Baldwin asks him where Eddie lives and the rapist asks if he can go now. RIGHT, they're going to let you go. How fucking stupid can you be -- besides being stupid enough to walk into a gang rape and just JOIN IN while your family is just down the hall? Baldwin says to write down where Eddie lives and what he just said (they're called "confessions" in the biz) and then they'll see if he can go. The rapist, a little sheepish but completely unrepentant, says, "Fifth man in...what the hell." Baldwin just looks at him and echoes, "What the hell."
John is at his desk, with his arms crossed over his chest like a saint and his head down. In cruises Phillip with his geeky-looking lawyer. "I'd like to speak to Blake," says the lawyer. Ricky comes over and introduces himself. Phillip, never one to let an opportunity for an insult pass him up, says, "He's Abbott, that's Costello." I think an M&M joke would have been funny too. Hint: Sip's the peanut M&M. Ricky says that Blake has turned down his right to see an attorney. Phillip goes on slow boil and says, "These manipulating sons of bitches." Sip, loving seeing Phillip squirm, says playfully, "Is that Peter Pot calling Carl Kettle black?" John shuffles his papers at high speed. The lawyer says he'd like to hear Blake say that and he and Phillip move to the interview room. Sip says, "Whoa, Phillip, ix-nay on oing with them-gay." Hee hee, Sip said "GAY" again! Phillip says, "Fine, great, just tell him I'm here." The lawyer goes off with Ricky and Phillip sits down opposite John, who shuffles papers so fast they look blurry.
Ricky opens the door and the lawyer stands in the doorway, looking at Blake, who declines counsel, saying, "I want to be any help I can in solving Walter's disappearance." The lawyer protests and Ricky practically shuts the door in his face. Blake, extremely Southern gentleman-ly, says, "Pleased to meet you."
Sip's fiddling with his Magic 8-Ball as he asks Phillip about baseball. "Yankees or Mets?" I bet Phillip roots for the YANK-ees. Phillip says he just follows his "favorite gay players," and Sip gets that look on his face like, "Whoa...baseball players? GAY?" Sip, here's a rule of thumb: ANYONE can be gay, and lots of people ARE. Learn to live with it. You big baby. So the lawyer comes back in with Ricky and Phillip jumps up: "Did you tell him I was here? Did they beat him?" Sip tells Ricky, "I hope you laid the make-up on." Hee. The lawyer says Blake didn't look beaten and that he did in fact decline representation. Phillip says menacingly, "Is that fun for you -- twisting people's minds?" Ricky says he bet Blake had fun with Walter. WOOOH! Phillip says, narrow-eyed, "Walter had deep pockets and an evil mind." Whoops, you said "had," Phillip! You did it. Then he says he wants to talk to Blake, and Sip and Ricky say they want to talk to him alone first. The lawyer says that doesn't seem like such a good idea but Phillip, arrogant to a fault, says, "That's a challenge I think I'm up to. Is there something I need to say to make this official?" Sip says, "'You're fired' will work." Phillip screams "YOU'RE FIRED!" at the geeky lawyer. John gulps and as Sip and Ricky lead Phillip off to be interrogated, his mouth hangs open.
Phillip's back in the pokey with Ricky and Sip. The cute little sign is gone. What a surprise. Sip starts in on Phillip: "You know you're not getting out of here. You know you're going to give it up. You're going to give it up so you can hold Blake in your arms, boo hoo hoo, so you can give him love and happiness, boo hoo hoo, and write him letters in prison." Phillip whines a little and says, "I wanna see him." Sip continues breaking Phillip down: "The great running back O.J. Simpson declined counsel, just as you have done...if I had gone in with the great Simpson, the only thing that would have stopped me from getting a confession would be an earthquake!" GO SIP! Phillip breaks a little more and says, "Go on to the beating!" Ricky says, "No one's looking to beat you." Phillip snorts, "That's a crock. You'd love to beat me. It's your version of sex." Sip ignores this and continues talking about O.J. and Nicole and that waiter guy who was "in the wrong place at the wrong time," and then Ricky adds, "Sometimes people's passions get the best of them, Phillip," and then Sip continues his theory on how O.J. went over to his ex-wife's house just to do a little vandalism on her car and Phillip interrupts with, "Which was all I wanted to do! A car the color of which someone shouldn't even have had the taste to conceive of." What's wrong with taupe? Sip continues with, "All that emotion, it just explodes," and Phillip yells, "It EXPLODES! It explodes. I put a hammer two inches into his head. I'm afraid to even hammer a nail."
Ricky lets Phillip into the room where Blake is sitting. Blake looks happy to see Phillip, but Phillip looks sad. Then Blake looks sad, because Phillip looks sad. It dawns on Blake that Phillip probably just confessed to having killed Walter. Blake's face says "No!" Phillip's face says, "Yes." They hug. Ricky looks away.
Anya's looking at mug shots in the coffee room, with Baldwin sitting nearby. Her parents come up to Di and Mom says, "We think it's time for Anya to come home." Dad asks, "How's the case?" and Mom says, AGAIN, "We want Anya to come home." Kirky says that Anya wants to look at more photos. Di says, "What Anya feels is what we're gonna go by." The mom bleats that she wants Anya to come home (heard you the first two times!) and Diane says, "This terrible thing happened to your daughter, and she's doing what she can to get some control back over her life!" The dad asks if Di and Kirky can arrange transportation for Anya, and Kirky says that they'll give her a ride home. Mom sputters, 'This is a fine way to end it." Huh? "We brought her in and now we can't get her out!" Ooh, metaphor! Di goes, "C'mere!" and drags the mom across the room to show Anya to her. Anya's sitting looking at photos with Baldwin. No big deal! "I want to stay, momma," says Anya. Mom says okay and leaves, muttering to Di, "She's all alone...she's all alone with every element." Di snaps, "She's all alone with Detective Jones." Dad says, "See she gets home," and follows his nag of a wife on out of there. Bye! Di and Kirky sigh in disgusted relief.
It's now night time in the city. Sip and Ricky are typing away at their reports. Sip tells John, "I don't see you working on your file." Ricky adds, "You don't want to be tardy with your paperwork." John looks happy, then says, "Can I go say goodbye to that boy?" They say sure and John leaves. Sip says, "He just wants to say farewell." Type type. Then Sip cracks, for a change, "He probably wants to exchange phone numbers." Ricky types away for a moment that says, "He could do worse, that Blake." Sip raises his eyebrows for a second and then continues to peck away.
John comes into the interrogation room where Blake is and says, "Phillip will be going to central booking soon. My name is John Dewitt and I'm a civilian aide." Blake actually asks, "What is a civilian aide's responsibilities?" Oh my god, that old saw about Southern hospitality is TRUE. They are more polite than we Yankees are. John continues with, "Blake, I know how you feel -- you feel lost and confused." Blake, all babe-in-the-woods-y, says, "How do you know?" John has a very highly developed Gaydar, the best on the market. State of the art! Just kidding. John continues: "I just do. I hope you don't give in to despair. It's so hard to make sense of our lives. We takes on a new lifestyle...we become confused...it's so hard to love ourselves...I just want you to know that it's possible to make your way with happiness and friendship. The sun rising and setting, and the birds in the harbor, they're all there for you, Blake, as much as anyone else." That is so beautiful! I can't tell you how many times I've thought the birds in the harbor weren't for me...now I know differently! Blake tearfully says, "Thank you so much." John emphatically says, "You're welcome." God, the show ends on a positive note! How wonderful. Now let's all go enjoy the birds in the harbor together! We can, you know. John said so.