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Eleanor buys an entire building, while Jackie -- in the wake of Drug Dealer Devil Bill's death-by-truck -- does some of the saddest addict shit we've seen, like, up to and including Robotripping and No-Dozing. At thirty-seven hours of withdrawal, she finally admits to Eleanor that she's detoxing, but it's all rather inconclusive, because later she tells Eddie it's been a week, so who knows. She is full of it, generally.
Lenny accidentally sticks himself with an epi, and Zoey takes advantage of the heartrate situation to ask him lie-detector questions about their relationship. It is adorable, because they are adorable. Then Jackie borrows another epi pen to knock out the dad of this annoying trashy racist family by making him think he's having a heart attack.
Coop picks an old girlfriend at random and decides to marry her, creepily creeping out a girl who got kicked in the head by a stripper. Then they become Facebook friendsters, for some reason, because nobody can actually resist Coop.
It was several episodes ago that Jackie offered to take those drug patches upstairs for Kelly Slater, and pocketed ten of them. So Eddie just noticed this and has come after Kelly for maybe making him look bad. Kelly goes straight to HR to clear Eddie's name, but he says can't remember who it was that he gave the patches to, so nothing much gets solved there.
Jackie ends her day walking down the middle of a very busy road, for some reason, so hopefully that will continue to be super weird. I think danger-junkie Jackie might be a very exciting turn of events, don't you?
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: This show thought about having a plot and then that idea got hit by a truck. Jackie's got a problem with the new nurse, which means he will probably get hit by a truck ASAP. Coop's parents got divorced like five episodes ago and he's in kind of a holding pattern about it; ditto Eddie who's in love with her but is starting to fuck with her in the most passive-aggressive ways he can think of, because he is pathetic. Speaking of the weakness of all men, Kevin thinks Jackie is a junkie, which she totally is, but she's got him brainwashed to not really care. Eleanor is buying a house or apartment.
OR, AS IT TURNS OUT, AN ENTIRE BUILDING
Jackie: "Well done, you. That's right, isn't it? Well done you?"
Eleanor: "Sure, British people say that I bet."
Jackie: "Listen, my 'head' really hurts. Do you have any drugs?"
Eleanor: "Why, because you're a huge selfish drug addict?"
Jackie: "Just kidding! I meant like aspirin. PS, I totally did not mean aspirin."
Eleanor: "How many aspirins do you need?"
Jackie: "One thousand of them. Wait, how many aspirins equals one drugs?"
ALL SAINTS
Sam: "I can't believe Devil Bill got run over just when something was going to happen. Lucky."
Kelly: "Sobriety! Just to bug Jackie!"
Sam: "Bad things happen to drug addicts sometimes."
Jackie: "Not on this show."
Eddie: "Kelly, you're in big trouble. Those heroin patches are missing."
Kelly: "I don't remember what happened when you handed me those powerful narcotics. I handed the drugs to a random person that I don't remember."
Eddie: "The chain of custody only matters a little bit. This hospital is like that sometimes."
Coop: "I am stalking a random person on Facebook. We're going to get married. She doesn't know it yet."
Eddie: "That will probably work out okay."
ELEVATOR
Gloria: "You totally bug Jackie."
Kelly: "Hope I don't get hit by a truck, then."
Gloria: "Come work at All Saints forever, is what I mean to say."
Kelly: "We'll see. If I don't go to jail or get hit by a truck. I am still pretty hot."
Gloria: "Plus Michelle Obama."
Kelly: "Yeah, plus that."
PATIENT ONE
Knocked herself in the head at a bachelor party. Cute, blonde.
Coop: "I've never been invited to any bachelor party or wedding. It is because I am insufferable."
One: "I was kicked in the head by a stripper. This was the end result of several choices."
Coop, verbatim: "There's a hole in my life. When I take a step back and look at it it's in the shape of a wife."
One: "I think maybe that's your entire set of problems in one sentence."
Coop: "I can't wait to tell this girl she's marrying me."
One: "I can't wait for you to try that creeper shit. In related news, I can't believe I just let you touch my face or give me stitches."
Coop: "I'm pretty on the outside, so people don't notice what's happening inside until I'm too close and then it's too late."
HR
Kelly: "I just want my story on paper, because I maybe don't remember who got the magic patches from me."
HR: "And what is your story?"
Kelly: "I gave a bag of incredibly powerful narcotics to a random person, and they maybe stole some of them."
HR: "I don't see that being a problem, for some reason."
Kelly: "If you'd like to give me a drug test, that's cool."
HR: "I don't think that will be necessary either."
Kelly: "Is this HR or did I accidentally end up in the Psych ward?"
HR: "Either way, we appreciate you coming by."
NEWSSTAND
Jackie: "Can I please have all the over-the-counter medications in your whole newsstand? No reason."
Kelly wonders about that, but not with like a surfeit of curiosity. The assumption being, although who knows what Kelly is thinking, that she's going to nurse her own self through detox. Everybody keeps talking about how she's sweating and off her game, so it's interesting because you know she's going to play it for rehab points with Kevin, et. al., but really it's just this huge annoyance thanks to her drug dealer getting hit by a truck.
Jackie's mean to Lenny for awhile until he reveals the epi pen sticking out of his thumb, which he left in so he could show Jackie and Zoey, and which is making him giddy and rushy. It's pretty cute, for now; Zoey flipping out is pretty cute. For now.
Jackie sends Thor to Duane Reade for more OTC stuff, having exhausted I guess the entire hospital's supply, and he tells her to be careful with Robotripping because once he double-dosed and heard angels. I can tell you personally that this is a real danger. I never take medication and so when I get really sick, I think, "The grownup thing to do is take this medication, you are not a Soldier of Fortune," so then I invariably go overboard on that.
I spent about four hours at Ikea once, held aloft by those same angels, able to see around corners into nearby dioramas, and convinced that I could see all angles of people's faces at once, like they were Picassos. It was nice, but not that nice. I ended up playing Tokyo Drift with the giant carts and made friends with lots of little kids. Oh boy did I sleep on that ride home, I'll tell ya.
Sam asks for a bit of time out to go to Bill's funeral at the Devil Mausoleum for Drug-dealing Devils, and Jackie thinks about dicking him around because she hates Sam for basically no reason at this point except this show is only funny if you consider her acting like an unpleasant asshole to be funny, and then she reconsiders and tells him to pick up some NoDoz at Duane Reade for her. I'm sure this all adds up to some kind of rehab cocktail or something, but that's not the kind of information I would ever know.
Thor: "So how's your imaginary future coming along, and please tell me you did not buy a Rolex to impress your as-yet imaginary wife."
Coop: "I also plan on buying our engagement ring with our fantasy football winnings."
Thor: "Doesn't get much straighter than that."
Yeah, or tackier. Of course it is at this moment the poor woman accepts Coop's friend request, so it is quote "on," but I'm sure she'll get hit by a truck before anything happens here.
PEYTON'S PLACE
Kevin: "Hey Jackie, you know how I keep disappearing in every episode? This week it's to sell an old pinball machine from the bar, over in Montauk."
Jackie: "Why are you selling the old pinball machine?"
Kevin: "The sound of it bothers our daughter Grace."
Jackie: "Everything bothers Grace, so that is unsurprising. Have fun in Montauk."
Another option: Don't care for your children in a bar.
PATIENTS TWO & THREE
Are a gross little pair of father-and-son dislocated shoulders. The father is unpleasant and nasty to everybody, but you can only be sure he's a villain because he's rude to Jackie. Also, that he needs to go to his PO so he's in a hurry. Jackie, stressing due to her unplanned detox, is forced to forge ahead with a conversation about treatment options that, thanks to his incessant interrupting and bitching, the son and daughter-in-law's attempts to socially smooth the situation over, and his resulting aggression towards them, is mind-bogglingly painful to watch.
Jackie: "Did you ever think about how I have a family and a history and we never talk about it on this show?"
Not really.
Daughter-In-Law: "He broke my nose once, and I'm not even related."
Jackie: "Look, it's possible that I might accidentally kill him. Okay? That would really cheer me up."
DIL: "That would cheer my nose up."
ZOEY & LENNY
The rest of this episode, Zoey spends giving Lenny the third degree about their relationship since he's hooked up to a heart monitor. Which is fine, except their relationship continues to make zero sense from episode to episode, and we're covering ground that has already been covered in episodes of The Zoey & Lenny Show. So if you like cute set pieces like this, it's fairly cute and God knows the actors give their all, or if you pay so little attention that this seems relevant, then this is the C plot for you. But if you're the kind of person that gets annoyed when a show cares so little about telling you a story that hangs together, possibly they are not cute or working hard enough to make up for it.
Lenny Facts: He does not have "crazy" credit-card debt, or an ex-wife buried in his yard, or anything weird that he's not told her about, he does not even carry a credit card balance, although he does not vote because he is lazy and uninformed. He does not have a crush on Jackie, but she scares him; he compares her to "walking into a buzz saw."
Zoey: "I think she's inspiring."
Lenny: "She is. But sometimes she inspires fear."
Zoey: "I know."
Everybody Who Has Ever Seen This Show: "WE KNOW."
MILLIONAIRE MATCH-BOTCHER
Coop is sure that it is love because A) He has already decided this, and B) Her favorite book's The Kite Runner. Which is not a sign of love or fate, because it is not 1996, and also: Who wants to date anybody who says that's their favorite book? Yikes. Or I guess the answer is, somebody who that's their favorite book. Other creeps.
Cute Patient One girl randomly sends Coop a friend request which he answers in person, which nobody would ever do and shows a real misunderstanding of like what Facebook even is, and also makes no sense given the transition from the last time we saw her. But hey, the exciting thing about this show is that before you start thinking maybe she's the mystery girl that's right in front of Coop: Bam, hit by a truck.
Coop: "Thanks for being my friend!"
AWWWWWWW
Sam: "Getting stuck with an epi. That must be a rush."
Jackie takes a break from drinking entire bottles of pills and Robitussin long enough to boss everybody around all over the place, but mostly I guess so she can try and kill the mean racist dad with another epi pen. She's like the Greg House of bad decisions: Just sitting there being generally unhappy, and then somebody says or does something and she snaps her fingers and runs out of the room to do or say the thing they just did.
Jackie: "I did a bad thing and I need your help."
Eleanor: "How bad?"
Jackie: "I stuck [Patient Two] with an epi. He thought it was another Novocain."
Eleanor: "As a private citizen I'm delighted. As a medical professional I'm absolutely appalled. Well done, and shame on you."
It's like the show knows that the complete lack of consequences or basic continuity makes this all an empty exercise; it's like the show is laughing at us. Daring you to give a shit what happens to any of these people. Nurse Jackie, the rat that keeps tapping the same crack cocaine button over and over with zero effects or forward momentum: Renewed. United States Of Tara, the only Showtime Ladies With Problems show that even shows acquaintance with basic storytelling: Cancelled.
I ASK YA
Eleanor offers Jackie some champagne to celebrate them nearly killing that guy for no reason, but Jackie finally admits that she's been acting edgy -- like how could they tell -- because she's been off drugs for 37 hours, and apparently going with it. Sort of late in the day to explain that, but then it's not really an explanation. It's not like she would never take a drug that might let her lose control, but I guess she wants to make the point right in Eleanor's face. She leaves Eleanor to drink alone and heads out into the street because she is a crazy person.
But first she calls Tunie to take the girls for the night and lies that she's taking a double, then explains to Eddie that she's not really taking a double shift -- she just wants a night without Kevin and the girls, so she can go crazy.
Problem: "For the record, I'm clean for a week... I miss the rush, Eddie. I really miss it."
Solution: Walking down the middle of the street, surrounded by traffic, with an insane look on her face.
Local Person In A Car: "What are you, fuckin' nuts?"
Jackie: "Bet your ass I am!"
And but does Jackie Peyton get hit by a truck? No ma'am. No, she does not. Not that I wish she would, just that stories -- all stories -- are about one thing: The resolution of conflict. Thesis, antithesis, synthesis. In the same way that you can't resolve a melody without coming home to tonic, you can't tell a story without ending up someplace new that feels like home. But you have to actually go somewhere for a story to have happened, and this is just feeling like a one-legged rat caught in a circle, and I can't even remember how long that's been true. Too much fun to be had with the actors and writers-room scenarios, not enough basic food groups. Too much enjoying the same moment and the same conversation and the same basic conflicts over and over, putting them down and picking them back up like a bunny rabbit at a birthday party, too impatient and addicted to even check whether it makes sense to revisit the same ground.
Which would suck anyway, but plenty of sitcoms are like that. The difference between this and a sitcom, however, is that the stakes are incredibly high and the meaning is implicit, and the main character is unchangingly awful. Which, I don't need a sympathetic lead at all, but the "unchangingly" part is pretty wearing. Will she learn? No, because that would involve a change to the status quo. Will she heal? No, the show is too gross for that. Will anybody ever get the upper hand? No, because that would be defeatist, which sucks because for any bad thing to happen to Jackie at this point, somebody's going to have to win, and the only way she can go anywhere or develop in any direction is for somebody else to win, but they can't win -- a woman can't win, a man certainly can't win, a child can't win -- because then the show eats itself and starts contradicting itself even more than it already does. I'm left with only the need to root for Jackie, and zero of the tools to do so.
Which doesn't leave a lot of options, beyond making her more of a monster, which is increasingly untenable. Maybe what we're missing is the sense that Jackie cares about any of this, and the fact that there's no reason for her to care about any of this since it's going to work out anyway, and she'll just have the same exact Roger Rabbit rubber-mallet zero-sum day tomorrow. The same tritely transgressive, panderingly liberal, toothless mindless pointless day tomorrow. Edgy for edginess's sake -- which isn't even true here, but seems to be the intention -- isn't edgy anymore, it's just a waste of time.
week: More beautiful moments that connect in no real way; kid gets stuck in a chair; Jackie loses meds procedures; Eleanor makes bad Coop-related decisions.