Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Frantic Efforts to Appear Real
By Jacob Clifton | Season 3 | Episode 6 | Aired on 05.02.2011
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.The moving van finally comes for the chapel statues, leaving the whole place denuded and irreligious. Akalitus has also ordered in a new temp, since Sam's become part of the ensemble, which is where the very hot Kelly Slater comes in. Kelly is pretty much the most agonizingly self-righteous person, but they seem to be setting up a fairly interesting rivalry with Jackie -- kind of Sam 2.0, but with the untouchability factor.
Of course, Thor is instantly in love with him; normally Coop would be all over that shit too but he had to spend the episode making friends with this guido guy about masculinity and its vagaries, plus he gets weird around black guys, plus he's still pretty much a basket case about his moms' divorce.
Jackie's having a tough time because now that Kev's getting interested in Al-Anon and whatever, he is getting up in her grill about recovery and stuff in that vein, and a few keystrokes later Jackie's confirmed that he's checking out her internet history and basically spying on her. So while Kevin is happy to believe that Jackie is getting help, and thus in a better mood than he's been in all season, it's also kind of horrible for Jackie.
The best patient of this week, maybe of all time, was this batty old lady who talked crazy and looked super crazy and would only talk to O'Hara. I don't know how to describe how crazy she looked and talked, but it was pretty magnificent.
The other one is this cute girl who kept talking about her dog, like even more than the pee lady that time, and eventually tries to give her number to Lenny, which for some dumb Zoey reason sends Zoey into a tailspin and then she ends up giving him the number anyway, so of course he's just like, "Why would I want some random girl's number," and the whole thing is all very zero-sum, which is kind of how this show rolls.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!KEVIN'S BAR & LUCIFER INFORMATORIUM
Grace: "The internet is so educational! All I did was look up Satan on Google, and received 42,000,000 bits of nightmare fuel in 0.1 second!"
Kevin: "Um..."
Grace: "[Info download on Satan]!"
Jackie & Kevin: "This was clearly the next thing that was going to happen with Grace."
(They check out her past search results; all of them are Satan-related, except for Justin Bieber, which is probably thanks to Tunie anyway.)
Tunie: "Girls, I will be your one phone call when you end up in jail."
Jackie: "Assuming you aren't in jail also."
Everybody: "...Valid."
(Kevin chases a couple bar brawlers out of there with a baseball bat, scaring the shit out of the girls; Tunie and Jackie jump in for damage control.)
BACK HOME
(Jackie is so turned on by this first evidence of Kevin having a personality that she fucks him.)
NEXT AM
(Jackie realizes that spying on their family's internet use is a great way to convince Kevin that she is in recovery and not, you know, now buying her drugs from the literal incarnation of Grace's favorite new hobby.)
Fiona: "Mom!"
Jackie: "Fiona!"
Grace: "[Exhausted, world-weary grumble]."
Jackie, less convincingly: "...Grace!"
Grace, verbatim: "Yeah, yeah. I get it. You love us the same. You don't have to make such a big deal out of everything."
Jackie: "You know what, letting that one slide. Let's make breakfast while your dad immediately falls for my Google history plot."
Kevin: (Checks the internet history and smiles smugly; has no idea of reality as usual. The music is almost Zoey levels of wacky, as befits this depressing scene.)
NOT-QUITE-ALL SAINTS ANYMORE THANKS TO OPUS DEI'S STATUE-RETRIEVAL UNIT
Gloria: "I could be planning my nemesis Lily Chung's downfall right now but no, I gotta watch Opus Dei take away my saints. She's flying to DC as we speak."
Jackie: "I'll fuck up a priest, I don't care. You want me to get ugly?"
Gloria: "No, but I do need you to be nice to the hot new temp nurse. Please."
Jackie: "What if I don't feel like it?"
Gloria: "Seriously, be nice."
Jackie: (Pops some pills; Eddie approaches.)
Eddie: "I'm not really asking for your blessing to ask Tunie out. Don't let my obsequious, ambivalent approach to the subject fool you."
Jackie: "You're not getting me back, no matter how hangdog pathetic you ask about this. Marry the bitch. Have a million babies. This is not how we're going to do this."
Eddie: "Really? Because I am taking her to the Museum of Natural History."
Jackie: "...Yeah, I don't even need to sabotage this shit. Good luck with that!"
HOSPITAL PROPER
Patient One: Cute girl, caught a stray bullet, won't shut up about her stupid dog.
Patient Two: Dudebro, got trampled at like a Great White show or something.
Coop: "Listen, everybody, this boot on my foot is not about a bunion. It is about something far more virile and amazing."
Lenny: "Tell us more!"
Coop, verbatim: "Blew out my Achilles'. Epic!"
Patient Two: "I'm not actually Bobby Canavale, but I get that more than you might think."
Coop: "O'Hara, can I have your GSW?"
Eleanor: "Fuck off."
Coop: "You can't tell me to fuck off while my patient is writhing in agony and I'm trying to steal yours! You're not Chief yet!"
Jackie: "Patient One, I'm going to do my usual soft-talking competent thing on you, so just..."
New Nurse Kelly: Elbows Jackie in the tit to get to Patient One and do his own version of the usual soft-talking competent thing.
Everybody on Earth: Shits themselves.
Eleanor: "Hey, New Nurse? There's a lot of sharp things around here. Why don't you vacate the area where you just pulled the most massive boner of all time, before Nurse Jackie stabs you with all of them one by one?"
Jackie: "Aaaand we're back. Are you okay, Patient One?"
Patient Two: "I need morphine! I nearly died!"
Nurse Kelly: "Um, you actually look fine."
Patient Two: "Fuck off!"
Nurse Kelly: Is probably right, but still can't win for losing today.
Patient Two: "I need morphine! I speak the language of pain scales, because I am medically knowledgeable and/or a drug seeker!"
Coop, assuming a sage air: "Probably the first one, you have the look of a man with medical training. Let me drug you to the gills."
Patient Two: "[My dog my dog my dog my dog]"
Lenny: "I found the bullet, which passed through her arm, which is why she's not in terrible pain despite getting shot. Dr. O'Hara, you always smell so nice."
Eleanor: Look of death.
Lenny: Is publicly dating Zoey Barcow and thus was obviously not hitting on Eleanor, but this show sometimes forgets major plotpoints because none of the episodes have ever met each other beyond some pleasantries at a cocktail party once.
Patient Two: Naturally assumes Lenny is single, leading to all kinds of nonsense down the road that we've already covered. That GOD HIMSELF, in fact, has already covered.
FITCH COOPER'S WEIRDNESS ABOUT MASCULINITY QUICKLY LEADS TO RACISM
Coop: "Kelly, that's a girl's name..."
Kelly: Has no idea that he's not being a dick, because he has no idea that Cooper's ideas about gender are as futuristic and progressive as they are strangely stunted.
Coop: "...Bet they gave you shit growing up."
Kelly, still trying to figure Coop's shit out, with no idea that this is impossible: "Well, they might have given it, but I never took it, that's for sure."
Coop, loving this: "I feel ya."
(Strike one.)
Coop: "I'm the same way, man. The same way..."
(Here it comes...)
Coop: "Fo' sho."
(Oh girl.)
Patient One: "[My dog my dog my dog]"
CHAPEL HALL
Jackie: Walks the girl's dog to a secret location.
Gloria, without even turning back: "That better not be a dog!"
Jackie, grinning: "It's not!"
Even the dog: Is impressed by how effortlessly and wonderfully the show is nailing -- after two whole seasons of trying to get there -- Gloria's character, as well as her professional respect for, and relationship with, Jackie Peyton.
PHARMACY
Eddie, after Jackie gives the dog some water in a pink bedpan: "I'm allergic."
Jackie: "You gotta wall full of Zyrtec."
Coop, appearing suddenly, skitzing: "Deep breaths deep breaths I was doing so good and then pow: Divorce. Pow: I wanna be Chief. Pow: Wreck my foot. What did I ever do?"
Jackie, inevitably: "Short list or long list?"