By Jacob
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.The moving van finally comes for the chapel statues, leaving the whole place denuded and irreligious. Akalitus has also ordered in a new temp, since Sam's become part of the ensemble, which is where the very hot Kelly Slater comes in. Kelly is pretty much the most agonizingly self-righteous person, but they seem to be setting up a fairly interesting rivalry with Jackie -- kind of Sam 2.0, but with the untouchability factor.
Of course, Thor is instantly in love with him; normally Coop would be all over that shit too but he had to spend the episode making friends with this guido guy about masculinity and its vagaries, plus he gets weird around black guys, plus he's still pretty much a basket case about his moms' divorce.
Jackie's having a tough time because now that Kev's getting interested in Al-Anon and whatever, he is getting up in her grill about recovery and stuff in that vein, and a few keystrokes later Jackie's confirmed that he's checking out her internet history and basically spying on her. So while Kevin is happy to believe that Jackie is getting help, and thus in a better mood than he's been in all season, it's also kind of horrible for Jackie.
The best patient of this week, maybe of all time, was this batty old lady who talked crazy and looked super crazy and would only talk to O'Hara. I don't know how to describe how crazy she looked and talked, but it was pretty magnificent.
The other one is this cute girl who kept talking about her dog, like even more than the pee lady that time, and eventually tries to give her number to Lenny, which for some dumb Zoey reason sends Zoey into a tailspin and then she ends up giving him the number anyway, so of course he's just like, "Why would I want some random girl's number," and the whole thing is all very zero-sum, which is kind of how this show rolls.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!KEVIN'S BAR & LUCIFER INFORMATORIUM
Grace: "The internet is so educational! All I did was look up Satan on Google, and received 42,000,000 bits of nightmare fuel in 0.1 second!"
Kevin: "Um..."
Grace: "[Info download on Satan]!"
Jackie & Kevin: "This was clearly the thing that was going to happen with Grace."
(They check out her past search results; all of them are Satan-related, except for Justin Bieber, which is probably thanks to Tunie anyway.)
Tunie: "Girls, I will be your one phone call when you end up in jail."
Jackie: "Assuming you aren't in jail also."
Everybody: "...Valid."
(Kevin chases a couple bar brawlers out of there with a baseball bat, scaring the shit out of the girls; Tunie and Jackie jump in for damage control.)
BACK HOME
(Jackie is so turned on by this first evidence of Kevin having a personality that she fucks him.)
AM
(Jackie realizes that spying on their family's internet use is a great way to convince Kevin that she is in recovery and not, you know, now buying her drugs from the literal incarnation of Grace's favorite new hobby.)
Fiona: "Mom!"
Jackie: "Fiona!"
Grace: "[Exhausted, world-weary grumble]."
Jackie, less convincingly: "...Grace!"
Grace, verbatim: "Yeah, yeah. I get it. You love us the same. You don't have to make such a big deal out of everything."
Jackie: "You know what, letting that one slide. Let's make breakfast while your dad immediately falls for my Google history plot."
Kevin: (Checks the internet history and smiles smugly; has no idea of reality as usual. The music is almost Zoey levels of wacky, as befits this depressing scene.)
NOT-QUITE-ALL SAINTS ANYMORE THANKS TO OPUS DEI'S STATUE-RETRIEVAL UNIT
Gloria: "I could be planning my nemesis Lily Chung's downfall right now but no, I gotta watch Opus Dei take away my saints. She's flying to DC as we speak."
Jackie: "I'll fuck up a priest, I don't care. You want me to get ugly?"
Gloria: "No, but I do need you to be nice to the hot new temp nurse. Please."
Jackie: "What if I don't feel like it?"
Gloria: "Seriously, be nice."