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The moving van finally comes for the chapel statues, leaving the whole place denuded and irreligious. Akalitus has also ordered in a new temp, since Sam's become part of the ensemble, which is where the very hot Kelly Slater comes in. Kelly is pretty much the most agonizingly self-righteous person, but they seem to be setting up a fairly interesting rivalry with Jackie -- kind of Sam 2.0, but with the untouchability factor.
Of course, Thor is instantly in love with him; normally Coop would be all over that shit too but he had to spend the episode making friends with this guido guy about masculinity and its vagaries, plus he gets weird around black guys, plus he's still pretty much a basket case about his moms' divorce.
Jackie's having a tough time because now that Kev's getting interested in Al-Anon and whatever, he is getting up in her grill about recovery and stuff in that vein, and a few keystrokes later Jackie's confirmed that he's checking out her internet history and basically spying on her. So while Kevin is happy to believe that Jackie is getting help, and thus in a better mood than he's been in all season, it's also kind of horrible for Jackie.
The best patient of this week, maybe of all time, was this batty old lady who talked crazy and looked super crazy and would only talk to O'Hara. I don't know how to describe how crazy she looked and talked, but it was pretty magnificent.
The other one is this cute girl who kept talking about her dog, like even more than the pee lady that time, and eventually tries to give her number to Lenny, which for some dumb Zoey reason sends Zoey into a tailspin and then she ends up giving him the number anyway, so of course he's just like, "Why would I want some random girl's number," and the whole thing is all very zero-sum, which is kind of how this show rolls.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!KEVIN'S BAR & LUCIFER INFORMATORIUM
Grace: "The internet is so educational! All I did was look up Satan on Google, and received 42,000,000 bits of nightmare fuel in 0.1 second!"
Kevin: "Um..."
Grace: "[Info download on Satan]!"
Jackie & Kevin: "This was clearly the thing that was going to happen with Grace."
(They check out her past search results; all of them are Satan-related, except for Justin Bieber, which is probably thanks to Tunie anyway.)
Tunie: "Girls, I will be your one phone call when you end up in jail."
Jackie: "Assuming you aren't in jail also."
Everybody: "...Valid."
(Kevin chases a couple bar brawlers out of there with a baseball bat, scaring the shit out of the girls; Tunie and Jackie jump in for damage control.)
BACK HOME
(Jackie is so turned on by this first evidence of Kevin having a personality that she fucks him.)
AM
(Jackie realizes that spying on their family's internet use is a great way to convince Kevin that she is in recovery and not, you know, now buying her drugs from the literal incarnation of Grace's favorite new hobby.)
Fiona: "Mom!"
Jackie: "Fiona!"
Grace: "[Exhausted, world-weary grumble]."
Jackie, less convincingly: "...Grace!"
Grace, verbatim: "Yeah, yeah. I get it. You love us the same. You don't have to make such a big deal out of everything."
Jackie: "You know what, letting that one slide. Let's make breakfast while your dad immediately falls for my Google history plot."
Kevin: (Checks the internet history and smiles smugly; has no idea of reality as usual. The music is almost Zoey levels of wacky, as befits this depressing scene.)
NOT-QUITE-ALL SAINTS ANYMORE THANKS TO OPUS DEI'S STATUE-RETRIEVAL UNIT
Gloria: "I could be planning my nemesis Lily Chung's downfall right now but no, I gotta watch Opus Dei take away my saints. She's flying to DC as we speak."
Jackie: "I'll fuck up a priest, I don't care. You want me to get ugly?"
Gloria: "No, but I do need you to be nice to the hot new temp nurse. Please."
Jackie: "What if I don't feel like it?"
Gloria: "Seriously, be nice."
Jackie: (Pops some pills; Eddie approaches.)
Eddie: "I'm not really asking for your blessing to ask Tunie out. Don't let my obsequious, ambivalent approach to the subject fool you."
Jackie: "You're not getting me back, no matter how hangdog pathetic you ask about this. Marry the bitch. Have a million babies. This is not how we're going to do this."
Eddie: "Really? Because I am taking her to the Museum of Natural History."
Jackie: "...Yeah, I don't even need to sabotage this shit. Good luck with that!"
HOSPITAL PROPER
Patient One: Cute girl, caught a stray bullet, won't shut up about her stupid dog.
Patient Two: Dudebro, got trampled at like a Great White show or something.
Coop: "Listen, everybody, this boot on my foot is not about a bunion. It is about something far more virile and amazing."
Lenny: "Tell us more!"
Coop, verbatim: "Blew out my Achilles'. Epic!"
Patient Two: "I'm not actually Bobby Canavale, but I get that more than you might think."
Coop: "O'Hara, can I have your GSW?"
Eleanor: "Fuck off."
Coop: "You can't tell me to fuck off while my patient is writhing in agony and I'm trying to steal yours! You're not Chief yet!"
Jackie: "Patient One, I'm going to do my usual soft-talking competent thing on you, so just..."
New Nurse Kelly: Elbows Jackie in the tit to get to Patient One and do his own version of the usual soft-talking competent thing.
Everybody on Earth: Shits themselves.
Eleanor: "Hey, New Nurse? There's a lot of sharp things around here. Why don't you vacate the area where you just pulled the most massive boner of all time, before Nurse Jackie stabs you with all of them one by one?"
Jackie: "Aaaand we're back. Are you okay, Patient One?"
Patient Two: "I need morphine! I nearly died!"
Nurse Kelly: "Um, you actually look fine."
Patient Two: "Fuck off!"
Nurse Kelly: Is probably right, but still can't win for losing today.
Patient Two: "I need morphine! I speak the language of pain scales, because I am medically knowledgeable and/or a drug seeker!"
Coop, assuming a sage air: "Probably the first one, you have the look of a man with medical training. Let me drug you to the gills."
Patient Two: "[My dog my dog my dog my dog]"
Lenny: "I found the bullet, which passed through her arm, which is why she's not in terrible pain despite getting shot. Dr. O'Hara, you always smell so nice."
Eleanor: Look of death.
Lenny: Is publicly dating Zoey Barcow and thus was obviously not hitting on Eleanor, but this show sometimes forgets major plotpoints because none of the episodes have ever met each other beyond some pleasantries at a cocktail party once.
Patient Two: Naturally assumes Lenny is single, leading to all kinds of nonsense down the road that we've already covered. That GOD HIMSELF, in fact, has already covered.
FITCH COOPER'S WEIRDNESS ABOUT MASCULINITY QUICKLY LEADS TO RACISM
Coop: "Kelly, that's a girl's name..."
Kelly: Has no idea that he's not being a dick, because he has no idea that Cooper's ideas about gender are as futuristic and progressive as they are strangely stunted.
Coop: "...Bet they gave you shit growing up."
Kelly, still trying to figure Coop's shit out, with no idea that this is impossible: "Well, they might have given it, but I never took it, that's for sure."
Coop, loving this: "I feel ya."
(Strike one.)
Coop: "I'm the same way, man. The same way..."
(Here it comes...)
Coop: "Fo' sho."
(Oh girl.)
Patient One: "[My dog my dog my dog]"
CHAPEL HALL
Jackie: Walks the girl's dog to a secret location.
Gloria, without even turning back: "That better not be a dog!"
Jackie, grinning: "It's not!"
Even the dog: Is impressed by how effortlessly and wonderfully the show is nailing -- after two whole seasons of trying to get there -- Gloria's character, as well as her professional respect for, and relationship with, Jackie Peyton.
PHARMACY
Eddie, after Jackie gives the dog some water in a pink bedpan: "I'm allergic."
Jackie: "You gotta wall full of Zyrtec."
Coop, appearing suddenly, skitzing: "Deep breaths deep breaths I was doing so good and then pow: Divorce. Pow: I wanna be Chief. Pow: Wreck my foot. What did I ever do?"
Jackie, inevitably: "Short list or long list?"
Coop, saying something only a person raised by lesbians would ever say: "I'm going to ignore you right now until I feel safe."
(Turns out he nearly grabbed Gloria's boob and only the fact that he's on a crutch for his bunion kept him from doing it; he's pretty sure she knew what was happening, which is the scariest part for sure.)
Eddie: "So you're using the crutch as a... Crutch?"
Coop, after more deep breathing: "Okay, I feel safe now. Here's the thing, I'm gonna need a little extra TLC on the floor today."
Jackie, taking off from her busy schedule of eye-rolling to steal his crutch and hang it on the other side of the room: "I believe in you, Coop."
Coop: Hopes, aloud and fervently, that this came from a place of love; somehow this is the saddest part.
NEW YORK'S HOTTEST CLUB IS THE HOT NEW CRAZY-OLD-LADY SPEAKEASY UP IN TRAUMA AT ALL SAINTS HOSPITAL
Crazy, Awesome Old Lady: "Get Nurse Zoey away from me!"
Zoey: "I swear to you that I am a nurse."
Awesome Old Lady, verbatim: "She looks like someone who gives ear-drops to old cats!"
Nobody: Could ever possibly disagree with that assessment.
Jackie: "Hey, I just dicked with Fitch Coo..."
Awesome Old Lady, verbatim: "-- Ack, what have you done to your hair?"
Patient Three: 95 years of age, crazy as hell and twice as awesome, had some kind of "incident" at Jersey Boys; is now refusing to deal with medical personnel, due to their various drawbacks.
Awesome Old Lady: "Well? It's a bizarre show!"
Jersey Boys: A Broadway show by Duncan Sheik relating the adventures of a group of gay history students at a prep school who lose their virginity and start a Christian doo-wop group.
Your Recapper's Grasp Of Musical Theatre: Let's go with "admittedly limited."
Then: Possibly, Spider-Man fights Green Day. That age-old battle.
Eleanor: Appears, looking 100% amazing like always.
Awesome Old Lady, verbatim: "Finally, a woman who's not wearing trousers!"
Everybody Else: Bows out.
JACKIE'S DESK AT THE NURSES' STATION
Kelly, sitting at it: "Nurses that work at the same hospital for more than ten minutes might as well just commit suicide."
Kelly: Is now 0 for 4.
The Skies: Quake.
Jackie: Shakes with silent rage.
Zoey: Superspazzes.
Everybody Else: Freezes like they don't want to catch her eye with movements.
Kelly: Acts like this is tyranny of the highest order; attempts to start a revolution using Twitter.
Kelly, to get some back: "Sorry I muscled in on your gunshot."
Jackie: No idea of what he's talking about -- or at least a fair impression; leaves without giving him a swirlie or even a purple nurple.
Kelly, unaware of how close he just came to infertility, relaxing back into her motherfucking chair: "I cannot wait to tell you of my many amazing adventures in Haiti, where often I was forced to improvise on a Shonda Rhimes scale."
Sam: "Aw snap!"
Thor: "No."
Zoey: "Fo' real!"
Thor: "Also no."
PATIENT NUMBER ONE
My dog my dog my dog my dog
ELEVATORS/THOR'S HEART
Thor: Has developed a monster crush on Kelly which is more adorable than Kelly.
Jackie: "How is your blood sugar? You're looking a little crazed."
Thor, not exactly verbatim: "Girl I feel a little crazed. Crazed, dazed, and stuck in a maze. A maze of crushin'."
Whatever he actually said was so cute it doesn't matter; so cute that not even Jackie can bear to bring the hammer.
MY DOG MY DOG MY DOG MY DOG
Coop, after freaking Kelly out by doing more whiteboy things at him: "Dudebro, there is nothing whatsoever wrong with your bones. According to science."
Patient Two, verbatim: "I know my body, man. Hey, what happened to your foot? My grandma had one of those after bunion surgery."
Coop: "Certainly this is not a bunion."
Patient Two: "I know your body, man."
Coop: "Well, I nearly lost my foot to the 'hoops.'"
Patient Two: "Your unending desperation is so apparent that even I -- a stranger, with no ability to conceptualize how deep that particular well goes -- will throw you a bone."
CRAZY OLD LADY TOWN
Longsuffering Son: "If my mom gets thrown out of her home, she'll come live with me, and then my wife will take her hot 45-year-old ass right out the door.
Eleanor, awesomely: "Let's not catastrophize."
Longsuffering Son: "Literally everything: Xanax, Valium, b-cog, art therapy."
BEST MOMENT OF THE EPISODE (HONESTLY THE SERIES, AS FAR AS I CAN REMEMBER)
Crazy Old Lady: "Good Lord! Arrrrrrt Therrrrrrrrrapy?"
Followed By: The longest, jaw-clenched WASPiest, creakingest, death-rattliest, eloquentest, caricature-of-a-doyennest, hatefullest chuckle of all time. Good God, I can't get to the end of this recap because I gotta keep watching it over and over.
ZOEY'S NONSENSICAL STORYLINE
Patient One: "My dog my dog my dog your boyfriend"
Zoey: "You want to thank Lenny for saving your dog your dog your dog?"
Patient One: "I want you to ask him out for me. Give him my phone number."
Zoey: "Cool."
ARRRRRRT THERRRRRRRAPY?
Eleanor: "Listen, do you now or have you ever had a problem with alcohol?"
Awesome Old Lady: "Yes. Prohibition."
Eleanor, adoringly: "Yes, it was a dark time in your country's history. I'd have fled. Are you ever able to enjoy a cocktail at St. Alban's?"
AOL: "They give us fruit juice during Happy Hour, it's humiliating."
Eleanor: Contemplates suicide at 70, à la Logan's Run.
AOL: "My husband and I used to travel a lot. Every day at five, we'd have a little sherry. We had such a good time..."
Eleanor: "Boom. One glass of sherry at five, doctor's orders. This whole Pretending To Be Jackie thing is even more awesome when you have surgeon powers."
WHITE MAN BURDENS
Coop: "I identify with your made-up injury because I too know what it is like to feel pain that nobody else can see or believe in. Have you heard of the Spoon Theory? I have that, due to lesbian divorce and a bunion. Also because I am the Worst."
Dudebro: "Men have it so tough! Nobody understands that except for other men, who are the only people whose sympathy matter, because they are the only real people."
Coop: "I appreciate that you understand my terrible life of being a rich, gorgeous white male. Let us bitch and moan together."
Dudebro: "Amen."
Coop: "Now you sit tight. I'm going to go out there and tell your friends that you jumped on a bomb back here to shield me from its blast, knocking loose a couple ribs and likely doubling the size of your already impressive testicles."
Dudebro: "I wish sucking guy's dicks didn't make me feel so gosh-darned gay... No, you know what? Screw it, today's special. Get over here, man."
SAM IS SO BORING IT'S AMAZING
>Kelly: "I used to work with at-risk teens in the Bronx but then I saved all of the at-risk teens in the entire Bronx so then I moved onto Queens and now there is no poverty in Queens and everybody went to college and then I invented penicillin and then I built a time machine and traveled back in time and killed Hitler and then I did a thousand pushups without stopping and then..."
Sam: "That is so amazing. I'm in AA right now so pretty much all I ever talk about is sobriety. Here, let me show you."
Kelly: "[Fifty AA sayings, apparently none of which Jackie has heard before.]"
Lightbulb: Goes off over Jackie's head, because once again a scene has occurred on this show whose only purpose is providing her with realistic human-being dialogue for later.
Jackie: "Sam, stop fucking around and take some of these hospital things to some hospital place. NOW."
Sam: "Yes'm."
Kelly: "You let her talk to you like that?"
Sam: "It's just... How she talks. It's not personal, we just live in a fictive narrative universe where abrasive, graceless behavior like that is universally praised and applauded."
IF I WERE KELLY
Kelly: "That's retarded."
Coop: "Orrrrr is it feminism? Well-Behaved Women Rarely Make History!"
Kelly: "Yeah, but assholes rarely make friends. Feminism isn't a pass to act shitty toward people, even men. Treating it that way makes a mockery of the whole thing, including the very real sacrifices generations of women made so we can stand around having this stupid conversation."
Coop: "Stop blaming the victim!"
Kelly: "Um, stop calling yourself a 'victim' and start taking responsibility for your own actions. The way other people behave has no bearing on your own behavior. What you do is up to you. Absolutely, perfectly, eternally your call. Why waste that freedom on being an asshole?"
Coop: "Nurse Jackie is a hero!"
Kelly: "Yeah, sure. When she acts like one. Do the work."
BUT IN REALITY
Kelly: Twitters madly about the Nurses' Station political situation from Ground Zero. Praying for somebody to join him in blessed uprising.
KITCHEN
Tunie and the girls are playing Mystery Date! -- the classic heteronormative game for young ladies who don't yet know that they're defined by the men they are able to trap into putting a ring on it, through pure chance and slight avarice -- when Jackie calls home.
Kevin: Is at a softball game, happy about Jackie's ruse.
Kevin, nevertheless: Seems to have opted for "never coming home, ever" as a coping strategy in the interim.
Jackie: "Works if you work it, right?"
Followed by: Disturbing, near-hysterical laughter.
PHARMACY
Jackie: "Where's that Percocet we're pretending was for the GSW?"
Eddie: "Patient One was tolerating the pain so Kelly traded it in for Motrin."
Eddie, verbatim: "Score another one for the female of the species. You guys are rockin' it."
Jackie: Joins my dog my dog my dog in Eddie's Inner Sanctum, onetime home of the Sex Cot and currently where Mother Mary prays for us all.
Eddie: "Hey, are you going crazy in here?"
Jackie, embarrassed and sad but also kind of desperate for a drug connection and also kind of missing Eddie if we're being honest: "Please don't go out with Tunie."
This: Feels even better than Eddie thought it would, because he is gross.
Jackie, popping another magic pill as she reads the dog's tags: "Bingo."
BACK DOWNSTAIRS
Eleanor: "Okay, fine. Are you all right?"
Jackie: "No. Kevin's being a dick, but whatever."
Eleanor: "We can talk. We've reached that level of reconciliation."
Jackie, holding it together: "Really? I mean, okay whatever."
HOW THAT WOULD GO, ACCORDING TO A PERSON WHO CANNOT WRITE O'HARA'S DIALOGUE FOR SHIT
Eleanor: "Watcha! Here, whence all the bubble-bubble then, my crumpet?"
Jackie: "Kevin followed all the crumbs I'd left, leading him to believe that I was in recovery."
Eleanor: "Which you're not, old chum. Sure as blimey."
Jackie: "Which I totally am not."
Eleanor: "Right. Then 'ow is it Kevin's going arse-about-face? 'Ooo's putting the banger in your mash?"
Jackie: "It's the fact that he searched out my Google history."
Eleanor: "'Ad the old butcher's, innit. Looking for what, Craigslist queues of drug dealers? Google searches for ways to get knackered on household items?"
Jackie: "You're right. I guess I'm just mad that he is happy that I am getting help with my huge drug addiction. I guess that pisses me off."
Eleanor: "Oh, my barmy little moreish. Keep your pecker up, wot?"
YAY! IT'S THE ZOEY RAMPAGE VERBATIM VARIETY HOUR
Zoey: "Advice, please."
Eleanor: "Only if it's about a patient."
Zoey: "Naturally. Strictly professional. Your patient has requested that I give her number to Lenny."
Eleanor: "..."
Zoey: "...Okay, not so strictly. But come on, you're you!"
Eleanor: "Uh. Well, let's see. If it were me...":
Zoey: "This is amazing. Keep going."
Eleanor: "I'd burn it and throw the ashes to the wind."
Zoey: (Stares at her adoringly, unnervingly.)
Zoey: "Do you like living in a hotel?"
Eleanor: "Actually no, I'm looking to buy a place."
Zoey: "Shut up! Because I'm moving to the city. What neighborhood? We could be nabes!"
Eleanor, amazed: "I'll... Keep you in the loop."
Eleanor: Escapes.
Mean Sam: "Like you could ever afford to live in the same neighborhood as her. She's rich, dude."
Zoey: "How do you know I'm not?"
Zoey: Immediately admits she's not rich to Thor, then almost punches Kelly in the face for once again sitting in Nurse Jackie's chair. To be honest, I'm starting to kind of hate him for it too. There's taking a stand and then there's just being pointless.
Zoey: "The eagle flies at dawn.."
Jackie: "Excuse me?"
Zoey, ramping up toward insanity: "No, I was just... Spy talk? Look, I don't know what his deal is, but Kelly keeps taking your desk. And I have told him on more than one occasion that it is your..."
Jackie, having realized Kelly is an unknown quantity: "Zoey, it's okay. Go easy on him. He's new, it's fine."
Zoey, to the gum guy once Jackie's gone: "Give me what the lady had... No. Got any Sour Patch Kids?"
Sexy funny Lenny, offering Zoey a housekey-free bite of sandwich: "Boober!"
Zoey, immediately handing over the number without prelude: "This is for you."
Lenny, obviously: Throws it away without looking at it. This whole thing was stupid. You can't go backwards in the relationship just to give us an adorable scene like this, it cheapens everything.
IN THE SAINT-FREE CHAPEL
Eddie: Is depressed. Passes Eleanor a flask of Jameson's.
Jackie: Is feeling none of this; takes off to bring Bingo the dog to P1's sister, after a cute flurry of goodbyes over her shoulder.
WITH POOR SAD GLORIA, STILL ON THE CURB (SINCE THIS MORNING?)
Kelly: "Hey Jackie, thanks for putting up with all my bullshitty territorial behavior. My little brother told me to beat up the biggest guy in the yard and I just realized he was talking about prison, not being a nursing temp."
Gloria: "You were actually nice to him today?"
Jackie: "You're having a shitty day. Thought I'd toss you a miracle."
Movers: "Say goodbye to your saints, huh?"
Gloria, awesomely: "Never."
But there they go, all the same.
PEYTON BACK PORCH
The girls and Tunie grab-ass around the kitchen, with Kevin laughing right along; they clean, they cook. They look like a family. It goes on for a very long time. Jackie sits outside, listening. Too afraid to go inside.
"Never." But there they go, all the same.