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Colby is not a spy. Now, all of you who didn't watch the episode but who have worried yourself raw over the summer can take a deep breath, relax, and enjoy the ride.
Okay, so in this Numb3rs season opener and series premiere for Television Without Pity, we are anxiously dealing with last year's revelation that Colby -- the solid, ex-military agent who knows the answers to all things frat-boy -- is a lousy, dirty, good-for-nothing spy. Who runs. Each FBIer close to Colby deals with this issue in their own way. David gets extra-angry during busts, Don rewatches the Colby interrogation tape again and again and again, and Megan logs a lot of time with Larry at the monastery. I also think she's gone on a hunger strike until Colby comes in from the cold, but that's just my personal observation. Meanwhile, Charlie -- in that selfish way of his -- deals with the Colby issue by immersing himself in teaching and enjoying it.
However each of these characters wants to deal with Colby's betrayal, they are forced to confront Colby proper when Colby and Carter escape from a prison transport and go on the lam for a while. While the FBI is combing the city for them, Colby calls Charlie in order to talk to Don to tell him that he's not really a spy. He's a pretend spy. That is, Counterintelligence tapped him to spy on Carter way back when Carter approached Colby in Quantico. So he's sort of a spy, but not in the bad, treason-y way. Don isn't sure if he should believe him but decides to follow up on Colby's info by locating his handler. Who is now dead. And, judging by Megan's and David's reactions, very whiffy.
There's a whole lotta math being flung around in this episode, but what it boils down to is finding a Chinese ship before it hits international waters and saving Agent Colby. While on said ship, Colby isn't quite having a Kathie Lee Gifford Carnival Cruise. I mean, he's getting injections, but they are hardly geared toward filling in laugh lines and plumping his lips into a provocative pout. Instead, Mason Lancer -- played by Val Kilmer in this surprisingly brief role -- is filling Colby full of all sorts of bad things, while interrogating him. All Mason Lancer really cares about is learning whether or not anyone has discovered that he, as special assistant to the Deputy Attorney General, is really, really evil and has been spying for the Chinese since birth. Luckily, Don and his crew figure it out just in time, send all sorts of flying and sailing vessels, and board the Chinese boat. Unfortunately, Mason Lancer -- there's just something about that name that requires you to say it in full -- has decided to dispense with Colby finally and totally by plunging (it's really more of a prick, but "plunge" is much more interesting) a syringe into his chest and pumping his heart full of potassium chloride. The good ol' KCl stops his heart, which David pounds on while yelling at Colby to WAKE UP AND LOOK AT HIM! We fade to black and come back with Colby in the hospital, alive but asleep. Megan and David stand outside his room with David still struggling with who Colby really is.
I tell ya, it's a heart-stopping episode. Heh. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Sporting a nice new haircut, Don sits in front of a LCD screen and watches the Colby interrogation over and over and over again. He rewinds to the point where David came in -- eyes ablaze with the tears that didn't fall -- yelling that Colby wasn't a "damn spy," he was a traitor. Don rewinds again.
We zip over to a dank pool hall populated by lots of bald tuffs and their molls. We quick-cut between beer bottles, boobs, baldies, and balls until a door bursts open -- letting in all that harsh light of day -- showing David, his vest on, his gun drawn, and his mouth screaming. His team of machine guns follows. The music kicks up so we don't hear what David's saying, we just see the angry gaping hole of his mouth and note that he's adding another bald head to the room. He shoves a photo in front of a cuffed guy's face and demands, "Do you know this man?!" over and over. We cut back to the same shots of David, looking around, silently yelling. He moves down the line of cuffed bald men in their clean wifebeaters, shoving the picture at them and demanding responses. One guy yells, "FUCK!" but without sound. Another guy gives lip and David slams his head on the pool table and bellows, "I will put cases on every one of you! EVERY ONE OF YOU!"
Back to Don, frowning, obsessing over the Colby interrogation. Watching Colby's eyes as David calls him a traitor. He sees something but he doesn't know what he sees. He doesn't know what he missed. Two more keystrokes and the headphones go on to hear what he missed. He can't hear what he missed. What sort of Pond's, Neutrogena, or Aveeno regimen is Don using? Because his pores look FANTASTIC.
From one Eppes to another we go -- to Charlie's classroom where he's talking about a game of chicken and the Nash equilibrium and game theory and nuclear war. What in the holy hell happened to Charlie this summer? His hair is…worse than usual, he's unshaven, his clothes are unbelievably slovenly, and he's teaching like that? You'd think he's the one who got betrayed by a colleague, yet Don's the one with a spruce new haircut, a very close shave, and noted fabulous pores. Charlie's 'fro, while not the dire greasy pubes of the past, is instead a shaggy place on which a few pigeons have set out a welcome mat. Amita leans gently in the doorway and listens to Charlie tell his students about how math can "illuminate the human condition" and some day possibly "define what lives deepest within our hearts." "Oh, excuse me while I barf!" the Evil Dr. Mathra snorts. "Those are the kinds of dumb-ass 'math' speeches that encourage my non-mathematical friends to come up to me in a bar and say, 'Why don't you figure out a mathematical formula to explain why she won't date me.'" Charlie turns back to his board and says, "Tomorrow, however, we're going to return to parameters -- specifically partition congruences."
The Evil Dr. Mathra: "Amita should be worried about Charlie. Because he's clearly certifiable now -- partition congruences have nothing to do with game theory."
Me: "Okay, but honey? He was talking about game theory at that point, having digressed from partition congruences…"
The Evil Dr. Mathra: "A digression on game theory has NO PLACE in a course where one has to 'get back on track' by getting back to partition congruences!"
Me: "…I'm going to get you a drink."
The Evil Dr. Mathra: "Do you WANT me to SHOW you how ridiculous it is to suggest that the human condition can be illuminated by the divisibility of certain Fourier coefficients of the partition function? Look, clearly the ACTUAL Ramanujan was brilliant, but even he didn't have such in-ANE and in-SANE thoughts."
Me: "How about a beer?"
The Evil Dr. Mathra: "We even learn later that this class of his was INTRO TO GAME THEORY! It makes NO SENSE! NONE!"
Me: "Or gin -- we've got gin!"
The class leaves, and Amita walks in to give Charlie a kiss. She notes that he hasn't been doing any consulting for the FBI. Charlie shrugs that Don hasn't asked him, and besides, it's been nice to get back to teaching and kissing her. Which he does some more. Amita, make him shave! Or shower! A shower would be a good start.
Don continues to watch his Colby interrogation. Colby states calmly, "Before I knew it, I was spying for the Chinese." Don -- in ridiculously measured and normal tones -- asks how it felt to spy on his own country. "I didn't do it because I believe in Communism or China," Colby says patiently, "I did it because I could. Because after Afghanistan, I didn't really believe in much of anything." Don takes off his headphones in frustration, still not hearing what he knows he must've missed. Don? Can you make Charlie shower? Because I'm getting itchy just looking at him.
Megan and Larry walk down a cloistered hall on the CalSci campus. Except it's not the CalSci campus, it's the monastery, but I swear those cloisters have been used for CalSci shots before. Megan -- her hair cut shorter, healthier, and fabulouser -- asks if Larry is finding his answers. (Do you get the parallel? Because Don doesn't.) Larry waxes philosophical about the Dobsonian telescope as they pass by Buddhist monks in orange robes and people doing yoga meditations on the grass. Larry and Megan sit on a bench. Oh, Megan, honey. Your makeup looks amazing but your bones are poking through that -- are you actually wearing a dress over jeans and a long cardy on top of that? I thought Megan was better than the Sienna Miller bag-lady trends! Also, eat a sandwich. The baby needs it. Pausing for a moment to think about someone other than himself -- I do love Larry, but like Charlie, he can be very self-involved -- Larry inquires how Megan's doing, noting that she's been clocking a lot of hours at the monastery with him. Megan cops to needing to take some leave time because of everything that went down with Colby, on top of what she was doing at the Department of Justice. Larry muses, "Still not at liberty to discuss it." Megan doesn't really answer that but says, "I'm not sure that I'm ready." She's been sleepwalking through her life during the last few weeks. Larry relates her mindset to his first spacewalk and dubs it a "quantum disconnectedness." Megan asks if it went away. "Unfortunately, it did," Larry nods. Megan muses over that.
Back at the FBI, Don, like Muzzy, is still searching, searching, searching. Interrogation Colby tells Interrogation Don that Carter never let him near his handlers. Alan appears in the doorway and says, "Come on -- it's been five weeks." Why is Alan even there? Red-eyed and tired -- but inexplicably dashing in that blue shirt -- Don mumbles that there's something about Colby's confession that doesn't feel right. And with that admission, all the Colbyettes shriek, "I KNEW IT!" Don can't get over the fact that he didn't see Colby's treachery coming. "No one did," Alan supplies unhelpfully, and tells him to allow himself a few mistakes in life. "Yeah, well, people die that way," Don broods.
Colby meets with his lawyer at the Northcom Regional Confinement Facility. At least, I think it's his lawyer. Could be his handler, given what happens. Anyway, after Maybe Lawyer says, "Last chance to turn back…" Colby shrugs that he spent the last two years lying to everybody about everything, so if he stops now it's all for nothing. When Colby talks, he always sounds like he's repressing a burp. Some of the scene shots are in the room with Colby and Maybe Lawyer, but others are views from a security camera. Maybe Lawyer looks up at the security camera and then behind him. Okay, if he's Colby's handler, he's like the worst handler ever. Vaughn never would have been so clumsy. Maybe Lawyer "casually" pours some water from a plastic bottle into a glass. It's a glass glass. I mean, I don't know much about prisons, but if they take away your shoelaces, does it make sense that they let you drink from glass glasses? I should ask Sobell. Maybe Lawyer says, "Expect something to happen during the transfer." Ah, they can't hear them talking on the security cams, right? "Take the guard's cell phone," Maybe Lawyer says, dropping a key into the glass and pushing it toward Colby. "Number six on the speed dial." Colby nods and stares at the key. "Who else knows?" he asks. "Almost no one," Maybe Lawyer. "So I'm alone," Colby states. "You got me," Maybe Lawyer reminds him. Colby drinks the water and the key. He stares at the security camera like the Agent Obvious he is.
A fatigue-green armored truck that could really do with a windshield wash barrels down the streets of L.A. Colby and Carter sit in the back with the MPs. One of them speaks Spanish into a cell, while the car radio blares Spanish rap. Would an MP really be so undisciplined as to be making what probably isn't a prisoner-transfer related call during a prisoner transfer? Carter, nice guy that he is, bellows if there's any chance they can listen to Johnny Cash: "Seriously -- I might be a traitor but at least I'm an American." Yeah, I sort of think that being a traitor to America rather negates your Americanness, dude. "Any of you guys even got green cards?" Carter demands. "Dwayne, do you ever shut up?" Colby bitches. "Solitary for three weeks -- conversation's been a little thin," Carter quips back readily. "Excuse me for being social!" Carter adds, which makes me giggle as I have a sudden image of him wearing white gloves and pouring out tea, while commenting on the state of the early begonias. I'll bet he even has engraved calling cards. A yellow Hummer speeds out of an alley alongside the armored truck, and a Mack chassis cuts the armored truck off in front. Men with guns get off the truck, as Colby spits out the key and works on his cuffs. A guy with a rocket launcher fires at the armored truck, blowing the cab to high heaven. Carter smacks his head and falls to the ground as the armored truck blows up some more. How are they not all dead? Colby grabs a guard's gun and holds it to his head, "Don't move or I'll blow your brains out." He orders Carter to grab another gun. Carter, dabbing at the cut on his head, is slow to react. Outside, the Asian guys in the yellow Hummer scramble as black-and-whites scream up to the scene. There's a shootout, and Colby and Carter prepare to jump out of the truck. Colby -- unseen by Carter -- grabs the guard's cell phone and follows Carter out. The guys in the Hummer provide covering fire as Colby and Carter -- ankle-chained -- three-leg-race it out of there.
The gun battle is broadcast on the television news as Amita trips barefoot down the stairs at Chez Eppes. No one notes the television. She kisses Charlie, who comments that Millie's been bugging him to publish, so he thought he'd "dust off some of [his] insights into Groebner…basis calculations." "I taught that course for two years," The Evil Dr. Mathra comments calmly. Amita picks up a folder and reads, "A mathematical analysis of friendship dynamics." "Yeah, I figured I could navigate through the eleventh grade using the minimax theorem and n-person games," Charlie explains. "That's believable. I didn't get into Groebner bases until twelfth grade. I was a late bloomer," the Evil Dr. Mathra observes. EYE-ROLLS FOR EVERYBODY! Charlie then blathers on about his "insights" on "network externalities of school elections" and the payoff strategies of doing other people's homework, but thankfully Don and Alan come in and interrupt the math flow with their arguing. I don't even care what they're arguing about, just that they shut Charlie up so I don't have to. Alan and Don are on their way to play golf, and ask Charlie to join them. As Charlie makes his stuttering excuses, Don picks up the green folder Amita was reading and says he remembers "the friendship math." He tried to read it. "Really?" Charlie boggles. "Why?" "You know, I thought I could pick up girls," Don mutter-laughs. He and Alan are about to head out when Don has to take a call. After a few "What?!"s, he hangs up and announces, frowning mightily, that Carter and Colby escaped.
Colby and Carter break into some sort of a garage.
Don freaks out as he holsters his gun -- not a safe time to be freaking out, dude -- and bellows about finding his keys. Charlie, looking worried, tells him to check the kitchen. Don slams through the swinging door. Alan stands up and tells Charlie he has to help Don. What? He's going to write an algorithm to help him find his keys? Alan mentions Charlie using his "chase curves." "Pursuit curves," Charlie corrects him, and then says it's not really applicable. Of course, you KNOW he's going to change his mind because he's got a related theory in the back of his mind, right? Right. Charlie mathmobabbles some more about something regarding Set Covering Deployment Problem that he's "always suspected," as Don slams back into the room, screaming that his keys weren't in there. Alan points to them on the coffee table, and Don grabs at them as he catches sight of the breaking news on the television. We hear the newscaster talk about dead bodies and then clueless Charlie says, "It's potentially revolutionary…" SHUT UP, CHARLIE! Why is everything with him "revolutionary" or "ground-breaking" or some other ridiculous hyperbole? Charlie goes on about his Set Covering Deployment, which determines where the Coast Guard decides to set lighthouses to best illuminate the coastlines.
Thankfully, we head back to C&C Convict Factory, where Colby uses bolt cutters to end their three-legged-race. Carter wants to know where he got the key to the cuffs. "Swallowed it right before they busted me. Figured it was just a matter of time," Colby lies. You know, I really do love Colby, but the image of him pawing through his own poo to retrieve the key and then stick it back in his mouth just isn't something I need to have in my mind. Even if it is made up. Which it is. But still. Ooh, but Colby lying to Carter is quite significant! Up until now, we could have figured that Carter was in on the whole transfer escape plan, but the fact that he didn't know about the key could prove that Colby isn't necessarily a traitor. Colby further explains that standard-issue cuffs all use the same key. They might want to look into changing such a fallible system. Colby snaps off the remaining cuff on Carter's wrist. "I have to make a call," Carter announces. Colby directs him to a landline in the garage. Ooh, deception number two, since we know Colby has a cell on him! Carter barks at someone that they need a ride, while Colby turns his back and whips out the cell. He text-messages, "Where are you?" Carter slams down the phone and says they have to get to Fifth and Alvarado. Colby slides on some stolen sunglasses and orders Carter to put on a convenient shirt to hide the bloodstains on his wife-beater. Colby sheds his prison blue shirt and jams a black knit cap on as cops arrive. Carter realizes he must've tripped the alarm, and they beat it.
At the armored truck crime scene, Don is handed a plastic baggie with the cuff key in it. He walks over to Megan and David and thanks Megan for coming back early. David explains what happened, and Megan IDs one of the hired muscle as "Jimmy Hung Tran." A local Vietnamese "mope." Is he the president of the Church of LDS, or is he just moody? David goes on that witnesses saw C&C Convict Factory three-leg-racing down the street. Don shows them the key that liberated Colby's hands, and they figure that C&C Convict Factory will be looking to cut their leg shackles.
Meanwhile, Charlie has availed himself of a FBI Plexiglas wall and a huge yellow marker and is going to town with his calculations. Larry wanders in, complaining about the monks not taking kindly to FBIs knocking them up during morning contemplations. Charlie stops him mid-creel to tell him that Colby escaped. Immediately, Larry takes in the news on the television and the Plexiglas scribbles and muses, "So you're programming a matrix for Set Covering Deployment," and notes that they don't have much use for a cosmologist. "Plenty of use for a friend, though," Amita smiles. Charlie gripes that he's trying to put what he knows of Colby out of his head as he tackles this problem, but Larry tells him he shouldn't do that, but should try to incorporate it.
L.A. subway. Colby and Carter stand on the platform, both in shades. But it's L.A., so no one wonders why they're in eyewear inside. Carter has tied a pale blue bandanna around his head wound. Cops arrive, and Colby looks shiftily around at them. He walks away from Carter as a train pulls up. They get on separate cars and the train pulls out without incident.
At the garage, Don and Megan discover that they cut the leg shackles, cut off one of their belts, and made a call on the now-blood-smeared phone. Megan says she can "get a dump on the phone line." I'm assuming that means "trace the call." Don mutters, "Yeah, yeah," and Megan looks at him worriedly. David makes an additional report on where the LAPD thinks C&C Convict Factory might be, and Megan suddenly asks why they're acting like this is any other case. She wants them to address what they're feeling because it's affecting the work. "I'm feeling like I'd really like to put him back in prison," David says flatly, and walks away. Note that he said "him," not "them." David is ma-ad! Don asks if Megan's sure she's up for the case. Annoyed, Megan tells him that's not fair, and it's also not what she said. "What do you want me to say? How do I feel? I feel like it's my fault -- that Colby's my responsibility," Don says, and walks off.
On the train, Colby keeps his back to Carter as he pulls out the cell phone. There aren't any messages. Colby starts to type, "Where are --" again. Carter rubs his wounded head. Hey, how come the FBI hasn't noted that that MP had his cell phone stolen? Why aren't they trying to reconfooble the energymotron…or whatever?
Charlie, Amita, and Larry do more mathmobabble until Charlie gets a call on his cell. From Colby. Colby needs to talk to Don. "Why call me?" Charlie asks coldly. Because the FBI doesn't have enough time to trace him through Charlie's phone. Colby pleads with him to "think like a mathematician" and asks if there's any reason for him not to give the phone to Don. "Uh, no," Charlie agrees, and shuffles over to Don, holds out the phone, and says, "It's Colby." Don hangs up his phone and takes Charlie's: "What -- you calling my brother? Is this a threat?" Don demands. Colby explains that his handler is Agent Michael Kirkland of Counterintelligence in D.C. "Your handler?" Don repeats. Colby explains, "Look, when Dwayne first came to me back at Quantico, I reported it. Kirkland has been using me to feed cherry-picked information through Dwayne to the Chinese because he's sure that Carter's working for someone high up at the DOJ." David makes hand motions and looks at his watch as he attempts to trace the call. Don asks who the DOJ VIP is. Colby doesn't know because they haven't flushed him out yet. When Carter got busted, Kirkland thought Colby should get thrown in jail with him, in order for them to break out together, in the hopes that Carter would lead him to the DOJ bigwig. Problem is, Colby can't get a hold of Kirkland, and he doesn't know if something happened to him or if he's being set up or what. Don wants to know if anyone else can verify Colby's story. Just the ranking guard on the transport, because Kirkland kept the entire op very contained. Don bitches that he's giving him a story he can't even check. "I'm giving you Kirkland, Don!" Colby shoots back, and says he knows Don doesn't trust him but what Don has to understand is that Colby trusts him. "In fact, you're the only person I can trust right now," Colby says, and hangs up. Yeah, um, how is Colby's phone working on the subway? Because mine never works on BART. We got a few shots of Carter during that conversation, but it's not clear if he could tell Colby was on the phone, because Colby is sure acting shifty as he puts that phone away.
Don, Megan, and David go over Colby's story. Megan got confirmation from D.C. that there is a Kirkland in CI, and he has been in North Hollywood for the last six weeks. David scoffs that Colby could have sold that name to the Chinese. Don sends Megan and David to talk to Kirkland, but orders them to keep it amongst themselves. David wonders aloud that they aren't going to report contact with an escaped convict. Don just wants to figure out what Colby has to gain by contacting them. "Because you think he could be telling the truth," Megan states. Charlie, feeling he's been too long left out of the action, asks if any of them knows about trust metrics. Megan does, because it's used in psychology to measure how much a member of a group is trusted by other members. David blusters, "We can't trust anything Colby says!" Charlie says, "It's not an either-or proposition if we employ a fuzzy system." Your hair's a fuzzy system. Charlie jams his hand into Megan's glass of iced tea and grabbles out the ice cubes. The guy has just no sense of social niceties, does he? He slammed Edgerton's fiber muffin on the ground, he poured water all over Megan's popcorn lunch when she was eating for two, and now this? Charlie, is there any harm in, I don't know, asking before you contaminate people's food? Just so you all know, not all mathematicians are that uncouth or socially stunted.
"Yes, I'm done with that," Megan says with distaste. Not even hearing her, Charlie goes on with his mathmobabble, explaining how an ice cube can be described as "wet," "hard," or "cold," but none of it matters without a basis for comparison. They use fuzzy logic to create a range of those states, and assign values accordingly. By the same token, a person's honesty is not absolute, because everyone lies for various reasons and to varying degrees. He offers to create a "probabilistic statement" and they can use it if they want. David wonders if Charlie already has enough to work on since he's trying to figure out C&C Convict Factory's escape route. Well, it's good that you asked, David, because Charlie's mathmobabble "yielded a very interesting by-product." Don takes a look at the probable escape routes Charlie developed, and decides C&C could have used the subway. Charlie protests that there's a lower probability of that because there are cops at the stations. "Yeah, but not on the trains," Don announces. He muses some more on the route, and runs out of the room. Charlie looks stunned and a little proud. Larry comments, "Well, well, Don has gotten much better with the math." Outsmarting the math is more like it. And also? Couldn't Don have heard the extra-loud train noise over Colby's cell? Amita comments that Don puts on a good game face, but he's clearly hurting. Charlie points out that on top of Colby's betrayal, now Don has to deal with this new facet of the case. Larry hepth-mobabbles about quarks and how the human mind is subject to random fluctuations.
C&C Convict Factory gets off the train and is faced with Don and some other agents bearing down on them with guns. Don orders them not to move. A train goes by, and C&C jump onto the tracks. Don yells at them to freeze as another train barrels through. Colby looks at Don. Don looks at Colby. Carter pulls out a gun and aims it at Don. Just as the train slams by them, Colby knocks Carter's hand down and they pick their way across the tracks. In a very cool scene, Don can see them through the passing windows of the train as they run away. Then the train clears and C&C are nowhere to be found. "AHHH DAMMIT!" Don yells.
In Charlie's Garage of Math and Suitcases -- seriously, who has that many suitcases? There's, like, nine of them! There were five people in my family and we only had three; my older sister and I had to share sides of one large one -- Don tells Charlie that he let Colby go. Charlie tries to contradict this and add that Colby has moved beyond the boundaries of his set deployment by now. Don beats himself up some more and says he was looking right at him. "All right," Charlie says, going to one of his too, too many chalkboards and starting a calculation, "were you basing your decision on his statement, the circumstantial context, or disposition toward giving him the benefit of the doubt?" Don boggles that Charlie is putting it into his equation. "Well, of course -- it factors into my trust metric," Charlie says. Well, of course. Good God, Don -- don't you know anything?! Don tries to puzzle out why he believed Colby, "unless it's so simple as I don't want to admit I was wrong in the first place." Charlie half-rolls his eyes. Dude, the guy wearing a blue plaid shirt WITH A PUKE-YELLOW TIE under a suit jacket is in no position to be so supercilious. He turns to his brother and says, "You have a big ego." Hey, Charlie -- can you write an "algorithm" whereby the pot calls the kettle on the saturation of its blackness? "Thanks," Don says flatly. Charlie clarifies, "You have a ginormous ego." "Thanks," Don says in exactly the same tone. "You're not stupid, you know, you made the best decision you could with all the available information you had," Charlie continues. He then tells Don that based on past experiences, Don was "probabilistically" right. Don muses over this and stares off into space as Charlie acknowledges that life -- unlike math -- is not full of absolutes. Rendering you useless, right, Charlie?
Okay, we've had the "Math," so now it's time for the Action! Which, if you want the truth, is really why I watch this show. C&C Convict Factory zip across the bay in a speedboat. Colby is very introspective. He checks out a gun in the waistband of a guy in the boat and notes to Carter that the dude doesn't say much. Carter agrees, and then reminisces a bit about pulling Colby's ass out of the Humvee in Afghanistan and how they both trust each other now. Colby agrees that they are in this together. "Damn straight," Carter says. "The rest of them can go to hell as long as we keep dragging each other out of the wrecks." Colby nonchalantly asks what Carter was thinking when he tried to shoot at the cops. "I was thinking I was gonna die before I go back to the jail." Hey, there's still time for that.
Megan and David arrive at a hotel with David bitching that the whole thing is a smokescreen to give Colby time to clear out. Megan says the best thing is to ask Kirkland themselves. Who will be dead, of course, because it's about that time in the show. They pause at a door and Megan asks, "Do you smell that?" I'm surprised Megan can smell anything. "Only one thing smells like that," David sort of grins. A gunshot? Because I swear to God, these guys are always walking into hotel rooms or apartments and smelling gunshots before stumbling over a body. David kicks open the door and they gasp and squint at the dead body stench. They see on shirtless body, gagged, covered in blood, and tied to a chair. "Damn," Megan chokes. David examines the rest of the room and clears it. "Mmm," Megan groans, and looks at a table that contains an off-the-hook phone, three syringes, a bloodstained towel, and several plastic gloves. Megan gingerly flips open a wallet and finds Kirkland's Special Agent ID. We get another look at the dead Special Agent. There's blood on his body, on the duct tape covering his mouth, and on the wall behind him. Given what we see later with Colby, I'm sort of wondering where all the blood came from. David calls in and reports Kirkland dead.
Back at the FBI, David tells Don that whoever tortured Kirkland didn't know he had aortic valve stenosis, which culminated in a massive heart attack. Megan reports that D.C. wants them to back off, and their official statement is that because Kirkland was in CI, his operation is beyond the FBI's NTK. "Yeah," Don mutters, "what about unofficially?" Megan gets the feeling they have no clue what Kirkland was up to out there. Acknowledging that it's the obvious hypothesis, David posits that Kirkland was another spy -- Carter's contact, perhaps -- who outlived his usefulness and got killed off by the Chinese. Don asks Megan what she thinks. She takes a deep breath: "I don't know." She looks down. David says that D.C. is already asking how they found the body, so they have to come clean. Don says, "If Colby's telling the truth, we got a leak at the DOJ."
The speedboat pulls alongside a larger boat, and C&C Convict Factory climb aboard. I hope they asked the captain for permission to come aboard first. In a common area, Val Kilmer sits waiting for them, looking like a fat fly. Gone are the chiseled ridges of the Iceman -- Kilmer is clearly biting more than just air these days. Still sitting, Kilmer awkwardly puts out his hand, shakes Colby's, and tells him to take a seat. "Do you think he's too fat to stand up, so he's just going to Brando this whole scene?" the Evil Dr. Mathra wonders. "'The horror! The horror!'" There's a video camera set up, which never bodes well. Colby sits. Kilmer asks Colby, "Do you know who I am?" Batman! Colby squints a no: "Should I?" "Well, that's a question I need answered, Agent Granger," Kilmer says pleasantly. Torturers are always so pleasant, and it's always so effectively creepy. Colby corrects him that he's not an "agent" any more. "Well, Mike Kirkland says differently," Kilmer says pleasantly. Colby eyes are wide and impassive. In the background, Carter duhs, "Am I missing something?" Kilmer tells him he's been missing it for two years, and explains that Colby is a triple agent who has been feeding them bad intel and spying on the FBI. A flunky grabs the gun out of Colby's waistband, and Kilmer asks for the cell phone. He even says "please." Colby hands it over, resigned. Kilmer sits back down and asks how long Colby was planning on "playing" it: "All the way to China?" "If I had to," Colby shrugs calmly.
Back at the FBI, Don interrogates the ranking guard of the prison transport and tries to get him to admit to knowledge of Mike Kirkland, as well as complicity in helping C&C Convict Factory escape. The ranking guard, Riley, holds firm even when Don tells him Kirkland is dead and other lives are in danger. Outside the interrogation room, Don admits that the guard can keep a secret. "Or he has no idea what we're talking about," David devil's-advocates. Megan points out that either way, it's not going to help them find Colby. After noodling it around some more, they figure out that since Carter has been trying to get back to China, that's where C&C Convict Factory is now headed. I haven't seen the Jeans of Justice this episode -- it looks like Don's been more formally attired in grey slacks. Tight grey slacks.
In his office, Charlie plays with a stainless steel multi-torus that looks like another Bathsheba Grossman piece. He muses over the idea of developing a "projective analysis" of C&C trying to get to China. "Not Colby, just Carter," David corrects him. "Everyone agrees on who he is -- what his motivations are." Alan -- who is just randomly there -- thinks that makes sense, and asks if there's a mathematical term for "removing the clutter." "Yeah, we call it 'removing the clutter,'" Charlie says dryly, and then gazes at the shiny Metatrino, muttering something about "developing some expressions." He goes into a mathspaz and we get mathverts of lit matches. He leaps up and leaves his office. Left with David, Alan seeks to be fatherly and asks how he's doing. David, grabbing his jacket, says he's just trying to treat it like any other case. Alan doesn't see how he can: "I mean, it's you and Colby." David won't meet Alan's Father Beam as he collects his folders and says, "That's the thing about friends -- sometimes they turn on you." Alan notes, "Yeah, that's the big test, isn't it?" David finally looks at him. "How do you deal with that really close friend who lets you down," Alan finishes sagely. "Mr. Eppes, he did not just forget to pick me up from the airport. He sold out his country." Alan begins, "I don't want to get all 1960s on you --" Oh, why not? You do it every week! "But I've heard that accusation tossed around a lot in my lifetime. The truth is, it's never that simple," Alan finishes. David walks to the door and pulls it open. But Alan hasn't finished lecturing. He tells David he might owe it to himself and Colby to understand why Colby did what he did before David closes the book on him. David stares back at Alan, clears his expression to one of bland unconcern, and walks out.
Back on the boat with a Real Evil Genius, Colby waits. "'Scuse the camera," Kilmer says, a bit mincingly, as he takes white towels off his tray of torture. "I can't remember things like I used to." Kilmer then goes on to do that thing master criminals do on TV and in movies, which is share far too much information about themselves. Kilmer was born in Beijing and absorbed into "an extensive training program," just after he learned to talk. He snaps on some rubber gloves. It cracks me up how torturers are always so concerned about the sterility of everything. Like, does it really matter the instruments of torture are dirty when you are about to use them to produce, you know, severe pain and discomfort? In fact, psychologically, I think it would be more effective if the instruments were left all cruddy and gnarly, with the remnants of the victims' blood still on them. Not that I think about torture or anything. Kilmer goes on that he was sent to the U.S. to be assimilated and he was even pre-med before he "followed [his] path" into government service. What is with that '60s-era golf shirt, Kilmer? You look like Christopher Walken in Blast from the Past. Colby is secured to the chair with plastic cuffs. Kilmer goes on that Kirkland died before he could answer the "important" questions, like, "Does the FBI know Kilmer's name yet, and if he goes to D.C, will he be arrested?" Kilmer ties a rubber band around Colby's bulging bicep and flicks his forearm. Wouldn't want to be digging around Colby's arm for a vein or anything. Too painful. Kilmer loads up a syringe with a bottle of something as Colby suggests he just ask Carter those questions. Kilmer ignores that and says they will start with something simple, something he already knows, like Colby's op name. "Arabian Nights," Colby responds. Kilmer looks at him reproachfully. "Stalking Horse," he corrects him. I don't even want to know how he got that op name or if it has anything to do with "hung like a." Kilmer smacks Colby's forearm again and leans over to inject him, saying, "Lesson number one: you can't lie and I don't bluff."
Charlie visits Larry at the monastery. He's struggling over whether or not to give Don the solutions he's asked for, because he's not sure they'll produce the "right" outcome. Larry waxes philosophical about fatalism and science transcending function and fact as they follow the path in their search for higher truths. I'm going to be drinking a lot as I recap this show, aren't I? Charlie smiles that he made that same point in his "Intro to Game Theory" class yesterday and then takes off after apologizing for interrupting Larry's meditation. Larry says that he's come to realize that you can contemplate silence, but you can never find it. Larry could have learned that just by reading Eat, Love, Pray and skipped all the chanting and hair shirts.
Colby, in his chair of torture, is sweating and slightly writhing. Kilmer explains that he's administered a non-lethal dose of tubocurarine. "It paralyzes the muscles and depresses the respiratory capabilities, creating what I've heard described as the sensation of slowly drowning." Would that be slowly drowning in popcorn? All the cords on Colby neck are standing out as he tenses and untenses. Kilmer walks around to do some more evil speechifying about how far he's willing to go to get information out of Colby. He mentions something about multiplying by five, which is just him showing off -- Charlie's not the only one who can do math on this show. Carter, seemingly unable to sit still while his Afghanistan buddy suffers, gets up and walks behind Colby to stand facing a wall and sneaks surreptitious glances at him.
FBI. Charlie pontificates about Carter getting to China by a direct and safe path, and reminds them all that Carter is well aware of dragnets and surveillance. But then Charlie has to have a mathspaz, which just gets me all upset -- Colby is being SLOWLY TORTURED GET TO THE FUCKING POINT CHARLIE! He talks about the possible existence of a twenty-six-sided room in which a lit match could not reach all corners. "In the spirit of that problem and solution, I look for Carter's dark corner -- the nearest, safest Chinese soil," Charlie FINALLY concludes. Because he COULDN'T have jus SAID that and cut out all the showoffy BULLSHIT! David extrapolates, "We already have the Chinese consulate staked out." Thinking the way David, Megan, or Don should have already been thinking, Charlie points out that any boat sailing the Chinese flag is considered foreign soil once it's outside of the "contiguous zone," which is twenty-four nautical miles offshore. (That would be 28.8 normal miles, FYI.) "It's practically untouchable," Megan supplies. Charlie goes on that a "value-based algorithm" ruled out private yachts, cruise ships, and any other ship unable to make a transpacific journey. All this by way of saying that the most viable vessels are freighters, and as of yesterday the port of Los Angeles had thirteen Chinese freighters. Somehow I'd think the FBI should realized this all along, and not needed Charlie to mathspaz all over it.
The torture of Colby continues. Kilmer wants to know if "they" know his name and if his contacts and network have been compromised. Colby says Kirkland never told him those things and he never asked. "Is that what Kirkland said when I asked him?" Kilmer asks. "I know Kirkland," Colby gruffs. "If you tortured him, he didn't tell you anything." "That's right," Kilmer snaps, and primes another syringe, explaining, "Quinuclidinyl benzilate. It produces akathisia -- an intense desire to move." Is that like restless-leg syndrome? Or by "move," does he mean "his bowels"? Kilmer goes on, "It also amplifies pain receptors so that even a pinprick will feel like you're being stabbed." Carter continues to fidget. "It also causes hallucinations and a loss of physical and mental control," Colby recites, bored. Kilmer snaps a look at him and bites out, "Good. Then you'll know what to expect." Methinks someone's annoyed that he doesn't get to be the only Dr. Evil with an MD in torture! Kilmer strips off his latex gloves.
FBI. David has found four Chinese freighters that were supposed to pull out. He identifies one that set sail early, and throws up some "NSA satellite images" (SO SO WRONG! THE NSA DOES NOT SPY WITHIN THE BORDERS OF THE U.S.! God, just say the "military" because it would actually be more accurate. The NSA is about "Information Assurance," which means keeping information secure, and Signals Intelligence, the stuff that goes over a wire or through the air, meaning telecommunications. Any Imagery Intelligence [IMINT] is what the National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency controls and disseminates. NSA is ONE branch of about sixteen member agencies of the intelligence community! It's not the ONLY FRICKIN' INTELLIGENCE AGENCY!) showing that the boat in question is twelve miles out. Using his NON-NSA images, David shows a launch taking off from the dock, but Don wants a closer look at an SUV parked on the dock. He identifies a "whip antenna." "One of ours?" David muses, and keystrokes a few more times to expose infrared embedded identification "KL6HX9" on the roof of the SUV. Don tells him to run it, and David makes a call.
In the FBI situation/exposition/explanation room, we're looking at a big photo of Val Kilmer in a suit, and Don explains the car was signed out to him, Mason Lancer. He's a special assistant to the Deputy Attorney General. Why was he dumb enough to drive such an easily identifiable car to the Chinese loading docks? He's sort of a Real Evil Dumb-Ass. "That's exactly the kind of position that would have access to classified information, but he'd still need someone else to go out and steal what he can't reach," Megan extrapolates. Don suggests Carter. "Or Colby Granger," David says angrily. We get a zoom-in satellite image of C&C Convict Factory on the back of the launch. David gives an update on the boat's location -- it's still within the contiguous zone. Megan says that they still need a search warrant from the state department to board. David tells Charlie that sort of warrant can take between three hours and two days, with no guarantee that they're going to say yes. Megan reminds us that once they pass the twenty-four-nautical-mile mark, there's no way they'll get on the boat at all. Don puts it to them thusly: "It all comes down to this -- do we, in fact, think that Colby is a traitor? That's all it's about -- do we? And if we do, we let the Coast Guard watch and we wait for a warrant." Megan gives the other side: "And if he's not, he could be dead by then." Don sucks at his teeth: "Yeah." Charlie gets up uncomfortably and unfolds a large sheaf of papers. It's his trust metric for Colby. He explains, "It's a man's life put down on a few pages of expressions, distilled down to an index of trustworthiness, which is a single number that incorporates all facets of his behavior. Like the risks he's taken or the orders he's obeyed or disobeyed. The confidences he's shared." "Yeah," Don asks, "so what does it tell us?" "Nothing," Charlie says ruefully. "Nothing we don't already know in our hearts." Great, so we just lost even more time with that? If Colby's dead, it's your fault, Charlie. Megan smiles at Charlie and says she's in. David says he doesn't know what to believe, but he'd like to find out. "All right, we roll in ten," Don decides.
Finally, finally, FINALLY there's some action to save Colby. Boats, copters, and lots of people with guns. Big guns. Shooty guns. Shoot, guns, shoot! But before we get to that, Lancer keeps asking Colby the big questions: "Do they know my name?" Man, he's got serious delusions of grandeur here. "Your name, your dog's name, your grandmother's name, everybody knows everything," Colby babbles sarcastically. Lancer gets up and announces that the last syringe is potassium chloride. Carter sneaks another twitchy look at Carter, judging whether or not this is another burning-Humvee situation. "The finisher in a lethal injection cocktail. If I can't know what you know, then it's really best for me that no one else does," Lancer explains. "What it comes down to is, do you want to spend the last hours in unholy pain just so that you can die?" Colby's tough, he can handle it. Carter finally jumps in and tells Colby that the secrets aren't worth it when no one is going to care about them six months from now. Colby grits, "I really wish somebody else had pulled me outta that fire." "Why?" Carter duhs. "'Cuz I hate owing you," Colby retorts. Carter looks down, a very dumb look on his Bobby Flay face.
Finally the FBI has caught up with the boat, and alarms go off everywhere. The FBI megaphones who they are and how everyone just needs to stand the fuck down. A Los Angeles Port Police zodiac boat disgorges personnel onto the Chinese boat. And the guns start shooting. Don and Megan are both there and shooting. Colby rolls his eyes in pain, and Lancer calmly loads up the syringe. And there's David with the shooting as well! Carter looks over at Lancer and demands, "What are you doin'?!" "What I said I would," Lancer says, and plugs Colby's chest with the syringe. The shot freezes as Colby winces. Carter whips out his gun and blows Lancer away from his buddy. Lancer's man blasts a fatal shot at Carter, and Don advances with a gun and takes out Lancer's man. Colby is unconscious, maybe dead, in the chair. In a succession of stop-cuts, David and Don assess the situation, and David beelines for Colby, looking fearful. He yanks out the syringe and identifies the drug. "Man, that stuff will stop his heart, cold!" Don reminds us breathlessly, channeling Dr. Fleischman. "The plunger wasn't fully deployed but he's not breathing," David says, and smacks Colby across the face. I think he's been wanting to do that for a long time. Don calls a medic while David continues to abuse Colby in the interest of saving his life. In the scene, David has Colby on the floor (NOT LIKE THAT, GOD!) and is pumping his chest, yelling at him to wake up. Don takes Carter's pulse and walks over to David, commenting, "Colby just keeps owing this guy." What a weirdly inappropriate time to make that comment. I mean, it's not like Colby hadn't already reminded us fifty billion times about that debt in this episode alone! "Yeah, if he lives," David says as he sweats hard and continues to work Colby's chest. Megan arrives to report that they have control of the ship, but cuts off when she sees Colby: "Ah, damn!" Don yells for the medic. David yells at Colby, "WAKE UP! STAY WITH ME!" Don yells at Colby also. Fade to black.
Colby's in a hospital room, an oxygen mask over his face. Looking at him through those glass walls that give no FBI patient any privacy, Megan tells David that Colby's vitals have stabilized, but it will be a few days before the drugs are completely out of his system. David just says, "Until I saw that needle sticking out of his chest, I was sure he was guilty." Megan tells David he saved Colby's life. "I still don't know who he is," David says, shaking his head. "I didn't know him when he was a spy and now he's the guy who pretended to be a spy who pretended to be my partner." "You coming in?" Megan asks. David's not ready to visit Colby yet. Megan pats David on the back and walks away. David just stares at Colby. Well, we know Charlie hasn't paid Colby a visit yet because there's no "GET WELL SOON! J" written in extra-thick Magic Marker on the walls.
The Eppes boys and Larry are at dinner in some open-air restaurant, and Larry is remarking on the welcome change from his monastic diet of carrots, broccoli, and coarse-grain bread. Don groans that he's stuffed. What's up with Charlie's t-shirt? It's like bloody writing carved into his chest. Totally inappropriate for such a nice restaurant. Of course, what can you expect from a guy who has such serious food-boundary issues. Alan announces that celebratory food always tastes better, and then raises his wine glass and toasts Colby Granger, wishing him a speedy recovery. Charlie adds, "To Don's instincts." "Yeah, and your trust metric," Don adds. Don't toast the trust metric, it only encourages it. "Sounds like a new chapter in the Mathematical Analysis of Friendship Dynamics," Alan adds. Larry's squintingly not familiar with that paper. "It was early Charlie Eppes," Alan says, jabbing a finger at his son. "Mathematics of friendship." "It was like a self-help manual for eggheads, right?" Don adds. Charlie responds to this ribbing by snapping out his white CLOTH napkin and saying, "You guys might be onto something." Alan and Don both rush to say they were kidding, but it's too late; Charlie is already desecrating yet another surface with his indelible scribblings. He's like the Hannibal Lecter of writing surfaces. But instead of keeping sharp objects away from him, it's any blank surface. "When he stays in hotels, I wonder if they have to charge him for the bathrobes. Terrycloth is not a good surface for doing math," the Evil Dr. Mathra observes.