A Formula For Numb3rs

After being tapped to cover a show that makes my math-professor husband suffer head explosions, I subjected myself to all of Season One, all of Season Two, and all of Season Three. My conclusions? I don't hate the show. Moreover, I am surprisingly bloodthirsty when it comes to Don threatening to blow someone's head off, Megan saying "on your knees, bitch," or any of them physically taking down a bad guy, all of which result in me screaming triumphantly and beating my couch. The thing is, I do despise -- and will therefore poke large amounts of fun at -- the "math." Or, to be quite honest, the Evil Dr. Mathra will tell me what to poke fun at, and I will clean up the language and grey matter and write it down. (The redoubtable Strega pioneered this form; I just applied it.) I. The show opens with people you don't know becoming victims of, or witnesses to, a crime, after which the FBI is called to the scene to diagnose the felony with world-weary banter. II. Called to consult, Charlie comments on how he:

• developed something related to the case
• wrote "one" of his dissertations on something related to the case
• pioneered a theory on something related to the case
• by chance has something on his blackboard that day that is related to the case
• has a patent on the process related to the case
• understands probability

and boldly asserts that the whole case could be resolved by:

• a "highly precise" Fourier analysis
• a "highly intricate" social network analysis
• "applying" probability theory
• "applying" "complex" graph theory
• solving one of the most famous unsolved problems of modern "abstract" number theory

while needlessly name-dropping

• Riemann
• Feynman
• Fermat
• Gauss
• Archimedes

III. Charlie writes an algorithm. IV. While Charlie and Don struggle with the case's complexities at home, Alan wanders in and:

• worries over the lack of grandchildren
• worries over the lack of house upkeep
• worries over the lack of sex in his sons' lives
• worries about not understanding his sons' lives
• injects common sense, resulting in the first breakthrough

mutters something crucial about the city's infrastructure, resulting in the first breakthrough

V. Charlie writes an algorithm. VI. Meanwhile, Don:

• has feelings of inadequacy while exposing his forearms
• avoids intimacy while exposing his forearms
• doesn't quite have a girlfriend while exposing his forearms
• doesn't quite have sex while exposing his forearms
• wonders about his minor-league baseball career while exposing his forearms

VII. After a key

• witness
• lead
• suspect

winds up dead, Megan:

• analyzes/acts sympathetic to a relation/friend/wife/cohort of a fugitive in an attempt to wring information out of them
• takes a decongestant
• gets her adenoids removed
• has a baby

VIII. Charlie comes up with some technobabble that most career mathematicians wouldn't be able to understand, making him more of a general science "genius," then explains things to the FBI using an easy-to-understand analogy and a transparent writing surface, which causes:

• David and Megan to play dumb
• David and Megan to crack jokes about being dumb
• Don to feel dumb
• David and Megan to get high off the excessively thick Magic Marker's fumes
• Colby to run

IX. Charlie writes an algorithm. X. Insert gross misrepresentation of the NSA by depicting them:

• carrying guns
• spying within the U.S.
• fighting crime
• having them discuss a case outside a SCIF
• wearing all black
• using hair gel

XI. Ian Edgerton shows up, mentions moving up several rungs on the Best Sniper ladder, and makes a sinister/threatening comment on how exactly that was achieved. XII. The case hits a snag and:

• someone nearly dies
• someone does die
• lots of people die

XIII. Charlie suffers an emotional and intellectual setback and tries to argue that the "resulting probability value" contradicts the reality of the situation; he remains temporarily, petulantly stumped until:

• Amita suggests a "different angle"
• he sees a knapsack
• he sees a falling leaf
• he sees a bowl of popcorn
• he sees a puff of air as Larry emerges from the steam tunnels

which makes Charlie look at the case in a new way and realize that there is a(n):

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• variable
• axiom
• human element

for which he didn't initially account. XIV. Charlie writes an algorithm. XV. Charlie realizes that his initial approach was actually correct and perfects it, after which the FBI shows how THEY get stuff done by:

• running
• shooting
• fly-tackling
• pistol whipping
• calling Ian Edgerton
• having Don scream "F-B-I!" in a cracked voice
• making Colby run

XVI. The show closes with the some arrangement of the three Eppeses:

• watching TV and drinking Bavarian beer
• playing poker and drinking Bavarian beer
• laughing and drinking Bavarian beer
• moping and drinking Bavarian beer
• griping that there's no more Bavarian beer
• making Colby go on a Bavarian beer run

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