Last time on Now and Again: No one can know that the brain of Michael Wiseman is alive and occupying space inside the artificially created hunka-hunka-burning bod of Michael Newman, even though he really misses his wife and daughter and TV and junk food. Does everyone get this by now? Good. Now let us never speak of it again.
With Handel's "Hallelujah Chorus" blasting, right off the bat we get a close-up of A.G.'s hunky face looking ecstatic. Rapturous. A step away from drooling. Why? Some goons are rolling in a TV and VCR. Wow, could I get along without TV? Could I get along without Now and Again? Is a bear Catholic? Does the Pope...oh, you get the idea. After three identical shots of A.G.'s idiotic mug, he stammers, "I need to know: Is she...cable-ready?" I need to know: Are you REALLY that simple? Dr. M. brings A.G. crashing down to earth by remarking, "Oh, it's only temporary." Ha ha. A.G. looks sad, sulks a bit, and says, "You're really an evil man." Then Dr. M. suggests that they "adjourn to the media room," which is right across the gilded gym in front of the lap pool. That apartment is like a freaking basketball court. It's huge! Dr. M. casually asks, "Do you like boxing, Mr. Wiseman?" Warily, A.G. answers, "Watching or participating?" Good question -- because you'll never know what the heck they're going to throw at you in this crazy land that is CBS on Friday nights! Dr. M. uses the remote to activate a tape in the VCR, which is a Entertainment Tonight-style segment about a boxer, a handsome bald black man named Maceo T. Jones. He looks way more than an actor than a boxer does. The TV makes up for this by admitting that he's "small for a heavyweight." A.G. would do all right in the ring with him. He's also "virile" but "guarded and introspective." What a sensitive description! I take back what I said about the ET-style. Dr. M. stops the tape and begins to describe a "black-budgeted government program," and when A.G. asks what the heck that might be, he says, holding up a finger for emphasis: "It existed. [pause] But it never existed." Thank you, doublespeak. This is SO not The X-Files. Apparently, the government transformed a Gulf War nerve-gas-damaged soldier into a biologically engineered fighting guy. All baby-bird are-you-my-mother?-y, A.G. says, "Another me?" Yes, because it's all about you, baby! Dr. M. pooh-poohs this idea, saying that the process of creating an artificial guy has come a long way since the '80s. "He was analog. You're digital." Maybe you'd like to say Maceo was an 8-track and A.G. is a CD. Then there's a shot of Dr. M. changing tapes in the VCR, and then some satellite-photography comes on. You know, a shot of the earth, then North America, then a gray map, then another map, then A.G. asks that they heck it is we're looking at and Dr. M. goes, "Don't you recognize New Jersey?" and finally we get an overhead shot of a very fancy compound, like Aaron Spelling's. It belongs to Maceo the boxer. What's the connection? A.G. wonders. Then there's a shot of Maceo punching a tree down. He punches the tree and wood chips fly everywhere. Maybe those commercial dudes thought boxers didn't like Planter's peanuts and he's...oh, never mind. A.G. FINALLY gets it and says, "I'll have to introduce myself at the union meeting!" Maceo, I'll give you all the money I have in my wallet if you punch A.G. in the head like you punch that tree, all right?
Theme song! "Gimme a sign! (Unh!) So I can feel it when you try! Now and again remember me and so will I!" What does this mean?
Morning. The alarm clock says 7 AM. Heather drags herself to the bathroom and tries to run a shower. When the water only trickles out she screams "MOOOM!"
In her own, steamy bathroom, Lisa-Mom is showering while operatically humming, "I've been working on the railroad." No, really, she is.
Moments later, magically dressed, Heather and Lisa-Mom are squaring off at the kitchen table. It's Lisa-Mom's first day at work and she wants to be sure that Heather has the right phone number. She fusses and frets so that Heather is forced to say, "Mom, it's your first day at work, not your first day at school. I think you've had enough coffee." Poor kid. Then she says "good luck" and goes off, turning her back on Lisa-Mom's puckered-up face without a kiss. This is a little too Ab-Fab for me.
Back at the Gilded Gym, A.G. is dodging fake bullets in the form of red Nerf balls fired at him from across the lap pool by Dr. M. as they have a little chat. It seems Dr. M. has to further spell out to A.G. that Maceo is the missing government black-budgeted-other-artificial-guy. "His past is convenient," he says, shooting Nerf balls all the while. "The orphanage he was raised in was destroyed by a fire fifteen years ago, along with all the birth records of everyone raised there." That sure is convenient. "In five years he's had sixty undefeated fights." That's a lot. And even though he's worth $800 million, no relatives have come forward to sully his spotless image or tried to establish any link to his past. Oh my God, is the government REALLY using tabloid-style TV shows to do espionage work? Check the Weekly World News! No, nothing this week...damn, that Maceo is a slippery one. Then there's the tattoo, right on the shoulder when the tracking device would have been inserted and later removed. Ah yes, a tattooed shoulder is such a rarity these days. Halting his weak jumps and rolls, A.G. catches three Nerf balls and then starts to juggle them. He's so not graceful. So, Maceo is "the greatest fighter since Joe Louis, more feared than Tyson, and almost as loved as Ali." Those are famous boxers, all right. Does he have a low-fat grilling pan that makes food that's almost as tasty as George Foreman's? A.G. STILL doesn't get it, so Dr. M. says, "Here's where you come in. We need DNA. Hair, blood, skin, urine sample." A.G. looks weak and says he doesn't want to get a urine sample. Dr. M. just smiles. Hee.
Lisa's first day at work! She's on the fourth desk! That means that all calls and walk-ins are in a specific order and she's fourth. She's to fill in "the exact spelling of her name" to get her business cards. I'd say be creative! Wouldn't you like to be lEEsA? Her new boss has some advice, almost identical to the Tom Petty song: "The hard part is the waiting." You learn something new every time you watch Now and Again! Like Tom Petty is a good writer and the Now and Again writers are not.
Heather arrives home, slamming the door and yelling "Mom! Moom! MOOOOM!" Then she remembers: Lisa-Mom is at work! Joan Jett's "Bad Reputation" starts up and Heather dances around with her teddy bears for a while, tries on some of mom's feathered lingerie, stops at the too-big bra, dances around some more, heads to the kitchen for some Reddi-Whip and chocolate syrup right into her mouth, makes a giant bowl of cereal and goes to watch TV. Oh, Heather, you know how to live! But, on the TV is a press conference for the "Grapple in the Apple" (oh no) featuring Maceo and another boxer named Tyrell. Maceo talks some very weak trash ("I could hit him with Betty White's fists and he'd go down! His sweat smells like formaldehyde!") and inexplicably, Heather pumps her fist and screams "Righteous!" Oh no -- no. Then the phone rings and Heather's all like "Hi mom...I'm doing my homework," and I feel better about Heather again.
We get a black screen with a title on it: "MTJ Training Camp, King Street Gym, Harlem, New York." Maceo is in the ring punching out sparring partners to the tune of Steely Dan. He has tattoos on each shoulder and one one biceps. One guy gets hit twice and goes down. Another guy gets eight punches and goes down. A third guy gets held up on the ropes and I lose count but he goes down too. Finally Maceo yells to the assembled mass of people in the bleachers and his manager (I guess) who's sitting at a table on top of an Oriental rug (which spruces up any gym): "Do I look like I need a blanket and pillow up here? Why are you trying to put my ass to sleep! I need some real sparring partners, not Grumpy, Sneezy and Bashful! This is boxing, not tag!" This is better trash than Maceo was talking at the press conference, but not by much. Finally, A.G. (right to Dr. M.) raises his hand and Maceo yells, "Bring that boy's ass up here!" and I can't WAIT to see this.
After the commercial (oh the suspense!), A.G. is all Everlast-ed up with the headgear and everything and Maceo's manager is telling him he'll have more sparring partners from Newark in an hour. Dr. M. hollers, "We're here now!" To A.G., he says, "His mouthguard will be covered in DNA. Knock it out of his mouth and you won't have to get hair, blood or..." the bell goes DING so there's no need to say "urine," even though we were all thinking it.
A.G. and Maceo approach each other and stand around. What do you weigh, asks Maceo. One-seventy-five, says A.G. "That's bitch weight," says Maceo. "And didn't I see you in a Banana Republic ad? You look like a Ken doll." Hee hee! Maceo turns away and then A.G. punches him. The crowd goes "Ooohh!" Maceo says, "You wanna play, Ken doll?" and they start sparring. It sounds like this: Punch -- oooh! Punch -- oooh! Finally A.G. knocks Maceo's mouthguard out and Dr. M. grabs it with his latex-gloved hand. Maceo puts his arm around A.G.'s neck and asks, "You like fried perch?" Then he drags him off with Dr. M. holding up a finger, all like, "Hey! He's MINE!"
Then we get a montage, set to a jazz standard, of Lisa looking bored in the office. She's having a bad first day. Then she heads home and Heather joins her lying on the bed (we get a nice overhead shot of the two of them). Lisa says she didn't sell a house because she didn't have her business cards, and can Heather write her a note so that she doesn't have to go in to work tomorrow? Heather laughs and says no. I so hate the mother-daughter role reversal in this show.
In a funky NYC restaurant (with a girl in a zebra-patterned cowboy hat if you weren't sure it was actually funky), A.G. is eating bits of a corn muffin and looking ecstatic. Maceo is all, "Are you sure you know who I am? 'Cause my ass has been kissed so many times I should get a Chap-Stik endorsement." Oh, eew. No, A.G. is cool. "Just like your boxing." Oh, eew! But Michael "Ken" Newman is a "bean-counter's name." Well, insurance salesman via artificial guy, really, but whatever! Maceo reveals that he's not into fighting anymore but "once you've tried on that big canvas ring everything else is just costume jewelry...boxing just fills the void." And the $800 million isn't bad either. The waitress comes and goes without a line save for "Mmm-hmm," and the two resume talking. "Ken" misses his daughter. Maceo is all like, "I feel you," and then starts talking trash about Tyrell again (including "Jell-O-ass") so loudly that people at other tables turn around to look. Then the food arrives (including mashed potatoes and black beans, yummy) and they dive in.
In the limo, Dr. M. is jealous. "You're worried I'm going to leave you for him?" A.G. asks. Zing. He couldn't "eat and run," oh, and he's supposed to do some roadwork with Maceo the day after tomorrow. Dr. M. approves but gets all upset when he hears what A.G. ate. Hush puppies -- oh no! He should see Heather's diet. "I ate what I had to," says A.G., then burps massively. "The things I do for my country. I'm just a cog in the wheel! A government experiment's gotta do what a government experiment's gotta do." The he burps again, stinking up the limo so much Dr. M. waves his hand around in the air.
Another boring day in the office set to the same jazz standard, with no vocals this time. Lisa is bored and a handsome man in an overcoat and suit comes in and finally lands at her desk. She reminds him of the order (she's fourth) and he insults who's , goes out and comes in again until they just give him to Lisa.
Lisa and Arrogant Man are driving to look at a house. They should probably pull over and start making out, but they chat. He's an investment banker, and follows his instincts, his instincts told him to work with Lisa. Lisa is flattered, and a little turned on.
In the house, Lisa waits downstairs while Arrogant Man checks out the upstairs. Her legs are looking pretty good and he has no wife, so when he comes downstairs and asks her out she jumps on top of him and starts kissing him. Not really, but she said okay. He's going to call her tomorrow.
Dr. M. is watching A.G. sleep, with a wistful look on his face. Maybe he should start kissing A.G. A. G. wakes up and Dr. M. tells him that Maceo's DNA did check out and now he has to be abducted. The plan is to nab him during their roadwork in Central Park. Dr. M. gives a little speech during which the camera stays on A.G.'s upset-looking face. Can the star of the show get too much screen time? Give us a rest from his face, please. We get the point that A.G. feels conflicted about having to help capture Maceo. It's like a pretty-boy leading another pretty-boy to slaughter. The world can never know about this, says Dr. M. "What if Maceo were in an accident? The knee bone ain't connected to the shinbone. Hell, there's parts of him that aren't even in Gray's Anatomy." Oy, we get it. Then to help Maceo live out the rest of his life in captivity, "some sort of surgical procedure involving the brain" will be performed. "A lobotomy?" asks A.G. Dr. M. repeats, "Some sort of surgical procedure involving the brain," and A.G. looks even more concerned.
In Central Park, a "Toys B Fun" truck is parked. Dr. M. is inside singing: "I've got yoooou...under surveillance, I've got yooou...right where I need you to be." A.G. says, "Can't talk now dad, my friends are here," as two black SUVs roll up, discharging Maceo and his bodyguards. Maceo is talking about Tyrell, and how Maceo will make a "three-egg omelet" out of him and every effort to fight that is "useless, hopeless, pointless." Oh boy. Then Maceo strides over to A.G. and says, "Mornin' Ken!" I'm digging the continuation of the Ken Doll joke. Then Maceo very conveniently decides to jog without bodyguards today ("What, are homeless people going to steal my sneakers or something?") because he has "Ken" there to protect him. Inside the Toys B Fun truck Dr. M. can't believe his luck and tells A.G. to go along with it ("Say 'Yes'"). As they jog off, Maceo yells, "Let's go find that HALLELUJAH they call a runner's high." Hey, at the beginning of this very show the hallelujah was a freaking TV, don't forget that!
With an edgy piano and snappy snare, the two run. For whatever reason, Maceo heads off the path and goes into a woodsy area, leaving A.G. in the dust. "They're headed east!" Yells a truck guy. Run run run, Dr. M. yells in the mouthpiece. A.G. hears it in the earpiece but is trying to keep up with the 8-Track Maceo. Run run run, they're both almost hit by cars ("Watch it!"), then they start rolling down a hill and A.G. sits on top of Maceo and straddles him. Oh my! Maceo proves he's smarter than A.G, by calling him his "Uncle Sammy" and pulling out the earpiece. Then there's some bargaining by Maceo: "We can both get out of here...I've got jets, off-shore accounts...we can pull out that tracking device like a bad tooth!" A.G. looks away and crinkles up his head. Oh my god, does he really have to THINK about this? How badly does he want his OWN freedom -- now he has a chance to set someone ELSE free and he HESITATES?
As helicopters make that chop-chop-chop noise and commandos rush the area, Dr. M. and some more well-dressed government types close in on them. Think, A.G., think!
Maceo continues his speech, still under A.G.: "You got a hole in your soul! You can't hide that emptiness that weighs a ton!" Then Maceo suggests that A.G. has people on the outside to protect and A.G. looks away AGAIN before saying, "They'll kill them..." Sorry, Now and Again totally lacks the teeth to do something like that. And if they lay so much as a FINGER on Heather Matarazzo, their asses are MINE. Hey, did you know our Heather is going to be in Scream 3? Well, she is! Anyway, the helicopters get closer, and A.G. says, "hit me" to Maceo. Maceo does and the screen goes black.
Dr. M. is looking down at the knocked-out A.G. He has a bruised cheek. "No more Banana Republic ads for me!" Ha ha ha.
We get the jazz standard again and some voice-over as Arrogant Man makes plans with Lisa-Mom. "I was thinking Clementines at eight." Cheap bastard. "I'll send the driver." Lisa said she'd rather take the train and catch a cab, which is very smart and independent of her, and so we get s a nice shot of Grand Central Station and her flagging down a cab.
In the cab the radio is playing. It seems the world famous boxer Maceo T. Jones has disappeared, days before his big "Grapple in the Apple" fight. Lisa wonders how such a famous person can just go poof like that, and the cab driver says he doesn't know, lady...and guess what? Just guess! RIGHT! The cab driver is MACEO! What about those jets and off-shore accounts, you big liar? Oy, this show is more gimmicky than a Sharper Image catalogue. Someone please punch the writers so I can get away -- I have a jet waiting.