"Before" on Now and Again, an old lady gets vaporized, Dr. M. is skeptical that spontaneous combustion exists ("Just poof, gone!"), and a man and lady fight ("You're going to hell," "No. YOU'RE going to hell!") just before the man goes poof and is gone.
A buzzer sounds in an office we have never seen before. A man we have never seen before sits behind a massive desk with a cigarette smoldering in a crystal ashtray. A lady enters. The man asks, "Is it warm in here?" The lady asks, "Do you want me to turn the heat down?" No, the man wants to know "[her] opinion." Is it extra-patronizing to ask an underling to assert herself? I thought so. The lady is comfortable, and some ominous violin music starts up as the man behind the desk breathes loudly. "Just as I thought," he puffs. "It's just me." He feels warm, get it? The lady prepares to exit and then says very deliberately, "I just want you to know that I've enjoyed working with you, Mr. Delongpre." You'd better start de long pray if you think you're going to survive this scene, Mr. Delongpre! He manages, "And I you, Vanessa," between puffs and she exits. Then he gets on the phone, makes some vague plans that probably have no consequence (except for his closing line, "You stay cool too"), and then smoke starts seeping out of the sleeves of his jacket. Oh no! Could it be? The spontaneous combustion is dragged out quite a bit; Mr. Delongpre smokes for a while, screams "No! No God! Not this way!" for a bit, and yells for help. Vanessa, who for some reason is wearing a skirt shorter than Ally McBeal's, is squatting outside the office so it's just about hiked up to her hips. Flash! Sex sells! She rocks back and forth as she listens to her bosses' dying screams. Then we hear a "poof!" And I guess Mr. Delongpre is gone.
From a patient-on-the-operating-table's vantage point, we see Dr. M.'s head in a scrub cap. He has one of those cool reflector things on his head. An actor who looks like Ahmet Zappa sticks his big bald head into the frame and starts gushing about how cool an open skull looks. "So that's the brain huh! Look at that!" Dr. M. notes dryly that he "had nothing to do with that," but the other thing in there is from Radio Shack. Hey, I got my answering machine from Radio Shack! I can so identify with this show!
The theme song is so totally corny I'll quote some of it. A lady sings, "Gimme a sign! Blow me a kiss through space and time! Now and again remember me and so will I [sic]," as a dude goes "Uh! Yeah!"
In the car, Dr. M. assures A.G., who's wearing those plastic earmuffs they wear at construction sites, that he'll "open him back up and make the adjustments" as soon as he can. A.G. doesn't mind; the earmuffs work great. Dr. M. says he has to pop in at a crime scene that a friend over at the Department of Justice asked him to check out. It will just take ten minutes. Yeah sure. Can you say Night Stalker?
In the massive office, Dr. M., A.G., and some guy are checking out where Mr. Delongpre spent his last moments alive. A.G., with nothing to do, grins like an idiot at Dr. M. and Some Guy. Points to the reader who can tell me who painted the painting on the back wall; it looks like a Dutch Master, but that's all I can guess. So even with a "forty-pound bag of human ash," Dr. M. is skeptical about the cause of death. Some Guy dances around the point for a while and then asks, "Have you ever heard of spontaneous human combustion?" Ooh, I have! A.G. says, "I've never seen them live but I think I had some 8-tracks of theirs back in the '70s." Oh boy, he is so not funny. Some Guy starts up on what "ancient scholars" believed and the X-Files music kicks in. Dr. M. looks like he could give a damn what ancient scholars thought and A.G. starts loosening his turtleneck, seconds away from waving a handkerchief around and saying, "Ooh, the vapors!" Then he makes a joke about reading this in the weekly paper, the one with the story about aliens impregnating farm animals or something. Dr. M. delivers the perfect double take and we jump to...
A commercial for a menopause pill! The voice-over mentions HOT FLASHES! Like the spontaneous combustion plot line! What a perfect cosmic joke!
Back at the homestead, Heather is using her red iMac and Mom comes in. She brings up the subject of driving and Heather says, "I've resolved myself to a lifetime of exact change and good reading materials." Hee hee! I take the bus to work too; it's very unglamorous. Mom says she's made some arrangements so that she doesn't have to be the one to teach Heather. Is it lessons? No. A teacher? Sort of. A girl or boy? Oh, a boy. Heather yells joyfully, "I take back everything I said about you to the school shrink!" and runs down the stairs. She yells "Hello!" until Roger Bender sticks his head around the corner and says, "Hey there, cupcake!" Heather's face falls four storeys. She is so not looking forward to this. I am, though. She excuses herself and runs back to her room where her mom is counting off on her fingers, clearly anticipating Heather's return. Heather hisses something about how much this sucks and her mom agrees.
Back downstairs, Lisa, handing over her keys to Roger, says, "This is my car. This is my daughter. What else can I say?" How about, this is my car ON my daughter. Any questions? Roger starts babbling about a secret spot he has, perfect for driving practice, and Heather grimaces her way out the door.
Cut to the Gilded Gym, where A.G. is lying flat on his back and Dr. M. waves a hand in front of his face. A.G. is listening to something only he can hear. Dr. M. offers to take him to the operating room to get the uber-hearing aid taken out, but A.G. wants to talk about spontaneous human combustion. There have been two more cases in the past week; he's heard this in his head, on Yak Radio, and then he mimics the little blurb the fictitious Yak Radio has. Dr. M. is stone-faced as he says spontaneous human combustion is an urban myth. "Do you know what the word 'myth' means?" A.G. says, "Yeah. I myth my wife, I myth my daughter." Insert rimshot here. It seems that working in IN-surance (with the Southern pronunciation) has left A.G. with a heightened sense of curiosity, because he hated paying out on accidents he couldn't explain. Hmm, do you think Mulder has an IN-surance background? A.G. reminds/guilt-trips Dr. M. about his friend in the Department of Justice and they go look at another crime scene.
Heather and Roger are in a cemetery. I guess Roger has never heard of a PARKING LOT, but whatever, he says he's taken his daughter here to practice driving, so it's some kind of sick, macabre tradition. Heather is understandably creeped out, but goes along with it.
In the car with the invisible driver, Dr. M. is pouting and A.G. is bouncing around, thrilled to bits because they're headed to another crime scene. Dr. M. is like, "You got your way," and grumps out. The latest burned-to-bits guy is named Reynolds. He had a fight with his mother and then combusted. Hey, who doesn't?
Back in the cemetery, we hear some plinky-plunky toy piano music and a guy singing, "I am driving in my car," as Heather totally Dukes of Hazzards her way around. Go stunt driver! Heather yells "This place ROCKS!!" as Roger clutches the dashboard, looking pale. Heather, YOU rock!
Standing over a bed containing the charred remains of a person, A.G. quips, "I used to be able to do that. What I was young." What? Turn into ash? Dr. M. pooh-poohs some more about how this is all baloney, until they hear someone downstairs. It's a lady! The one from the teaser yelling at her lover, before he went poof! She's got a great purse, and looks all modern Mata Hari in her hooded sweater. She says she's already confessed.
Commercial. Nice way to break the scene, not. The Sopranos is on HBO.
Back in the hallway, to the exact same scene before the commercials, Dr. M. parrots, "Confessed? Can we do this in the bedroom?" Sure baby! Let's do it in the bedroom, wink wink! Just kidding.
All three of them are in the bedroom and the lady gets all weird. Finally she says she was going out to "worship" and that's why she had an argument with the guy who burned up. Ooh, I hope its Satan she's worshipping! That would be cool! She says she "was the cause" of the guy's death. A.G., all snotty, is like, "For those of us who are just joining the program, which is obviously already in progress, would you mind filling us in on what's already happened?" Oy. The lady goes off on a very X-Files-y monologue, saying, "I liked being there -- at The Elevations...the First Church of Elevations. Reverend Kelso makes you feel...warm." Ding ding ding! Then she goes on about The Master, who I hope is Satan, and quotes some Elevations scripture: "The Master is everywhere. He who seeks to thwart the Master and the spreading of Elevations, the greater the heat will become. So saith the Master, so saith the word." I saith, this sucks. Under this little speech is the really scary violin music that sounds like bees swarming. The music is scary -- but the scene is not. Not a bit.
As they head out to the street, Dr. M. gets on his cell phone and says, "We'll be at the operation room in a minute." A.G. is like, no way! We have to go to the Church of Elevations! They have a silly argument that results in them getting in the car to head to the operating room.
In the car, Dr. M. rattles his newspaper and A.G. goads him into checking out the church. He calls it "the escalator place," and Dr. M. corrects him. After Dr. M. pooh-poohs the idea of spontaneous combustion (which, though I refuse to research it just because I'm writing this recap, I thought DOES exist), the A.G. says that Dr. M. is "stumped, stumped, stumped," while Dr. M. insists "am not, am not, am not!" GROW UP TO THE THIRD POWER, I scream! Finally Dr. M. gets so riled that he commands the driver to "take us to the First Church of Elevations!" Oh yeah, like the DRIVER knows where it is. Maybe he has MapFinder in the car.
At the homestead, Lisa is calling hospitals looking for Heather and Roger. It seems they've been gone a while. She's worried.
The car pulls up to a building that reads "First Church of Elevations," and Dr. M. and A.G. go inside. Thanks for not having anyone utter a line like, "This must be it!"
Inside, like, a million people are milling around in button-down blue oxfords. Vanessa -- from the first scene, remember? -- approaches our heroes and is like, first time here? Reverend Kelso is spreading the word; why don't you come on in and become brainwashed just like the rest of us? We have a shirt just your size! Well, not exactly, but you get the idea. Dr. M. goes in and A.G. tries to get a membership list to see the connection between the combustees and the Church of Elevations.
In an amphitheater, many blue-oxforded people are looking rapturous as organ music plays (THAT'S original) and Rev. Kelso preaches. "Outside these walls it is cold and lonely...How do we deal with the assault, the bombardment?...Devote your time, your energy, your income to the Church of Elevations...In this room many people experience actual feelings of warmth; it seems to come from inside." OKAY, we get it! The lights dim and people start beaming. Dr. M. stops rubbing the bridge of his nose in an "Oy" gesture, and starts loosening his clothes. He looks all concerned like, why am I warm? I definitely feel warm here! Then the lights come up and the sermon stops. Dr. M. looks stumped to the third power!
Cut to Heather and Roger, sharing the passenger side of a moving vehicle. Heather looks pissed. They talk about getting their story straight and who's responsible. Heather says, "I could have slowed down. You were making that whimpering noise -- I knew what it meant." Roger says, "I should have been clearer, stronger," and Heather says, "Whatever." Whatever indeed! Then Heather asks what it was she landed on and Roger says it was a crypt. The camera pulls back to reveal that they are in a tow truck, towing the cracked-up car, but if you didn't already see that coming this must be the first TV show you've ever watched. The plinky-plonky toy piano music starts up again to remind you how hilarious this all is.
At home, Lisa is calling more hospitals. What confidence! Then, mid-sentence, she drops the phone because Heather and Roger have arrived home with a cracked-up car instead of injuries to their own persons. Lisa sets her face to "kill" and burns holes in Heather's back as she runs for cover, then slams the door in Roger's face.
In the Gilded Gym, A.G. is spacing out on the bed "listening" to Letterman. Get well soon, Dave! Dr. M. is all, wanna go for a drive and get some food? A.G. totally does. Dr. M. really needs some friends.
In the car, Dr. M. is trying to talk about the experience he had in the Church (he really felt warm? How could that be?), while A.G. is looking at all the food places. "That place has a char-broiler," he says with no apparent irony, "and there's a mini-mart! Feel like mini-martin' it?"
In the mini-mart, Dr. M. cruises over to the microwave (ding ding ding!). The camera zooms up to it, the Dr. M.'s face, then the microwave again, then the Hallelujah chorus starts up and Dr. M. smiles.
Back in the car, Dr. M. offers A.G. a cheeseburger to be eaten in "a scientific experiment." The microwave made it hot from the inside out. Microwaves do that. As he eats the burger, A.G.'s face goes into the ecstatic contortions only a very bad actor can make, and Dr. M. claps his hands together and congratulates himself all over the place for figuring out the mystery of the spontaneous combustion. I think I've seen episodes of Scooby-Doo more gripping than this. Where's Velma and Daphne? Hey, if you guys hurry, you can still make the gig!
Back in the office we saw in the first scene, Vanessa is now sitting behind the desk. Reverend Kelso comes in (can I just say that Hollywood had better stop casting Arabic people as villains all the time? Its getting very, VERY old), and we get a series of flashbacks about Mr. Delongpre's death. Then Vanessa says she doesn't know if she believes in the church any more; and isn't Reverend Kelso the guy from the Soviet Union who invented the microwave gun? Then Dr. M. comes in, still high on himself for figuring this out, and then uh oh! Vanessa and Dr. M. get all hot and bothered, but not in a good way! The fish tank starts bubbling! Dr. M. groans, "Oh my," sounding just like George Takei! The Rev high-tails it out of there, leaving Dr. M. and Vanessa to roast. We hear them scream, "Please, I beg of you!" As the Rev twirls his non-existent mustache, thinking he's about to escape, BAM! A.G. is outside and throws him through the door. As the Rev lands, rubbing his head, we get a shot of Vanessa's legs (with the skirt hiked up to her hips again). She and Dr. M. were FAKING being hot. They repeat their lines ("No, please, help") all deadpan and Dr. M. takes out the dry ice he put in the fish tank. Note: No fish were actually harmed during the filming of Now and Again.
Back at home, Heather and Lisa come through their front door. "Your car kicks ass, Uncle Roger." He rushes to the window and looks out with a horrified face as the plinky-plonky piano music starts up again. I wish I were making this up, but I'm not.