Oh, Night Stalker. It sure is sad for you that my last show was so damn good. I'll try not to hold it against you. Wait, scratch that: I totally will. Let's get to it, then.
Fade up on an extreme close-up of a dark and lonely road. The center lines flash past; a piano plays in the background as a voice-over says, and I only wish I were kidding, "I drive at night. The police radio is my compass." Cut to the inside of a car, presumably owned by our night driver, who drives at night. We get flashes of Night Driver's eyes, the police scanner, and a half-amputated Gumby hanging from the rearview mirror. Driver of Nightliness tells us he's looking for answers to questions he's only learning how to ask. As he says "questions," THE ACTUAL WORD swims up onto the screen. Now, really, did we need that visual aid? Oh, here's another one! "Fear." And another! "Nightmares." The driver, we see now, is Stuart "Charlize Theron's Shadow" Townsend. He voice-overs some more about -- now, this is surprising! -- fear and nightmares. We fade from this delightful Powerpoint presentation (tm spork) to the actual screen upon which Stuart is typing his voice-over. He tells us more about the scary things he's looking for: "Nightmares that intrude from another realm. Forces that spring not from the imagination, but live amongst us, unseen. These forces have taken something from me." The camera pulls back to reveal that Stuart is working from home, and home is a very modern-looking, fabulous house that overlooks Los Angeles. Now he's back in his car -- a beautiful Mustang in that hideous orange color -- driving around in search of unseen forces, or possibly an all-night Wendy's (Eat great! Open late!).
Cut to someone else's house, not nearly as beautiful as Stuart's. A woman in a pink robe runs outside after her man, who must be on his way to a night job. She hands him a metal lunchbox, and lovingly straightens his jacket collar. The husband remarks that it's cold tonight, and teasingly says he could call in sick. His wife asks him who'd make the house payments then? She receives a kiss in response, and the husband gets in his truck. Before he drives off, a noise startles him. He looks around, but sees nothing, and drives away. Could this be...foreshadowing? We will soon find out! Across the street, a figure lurks inside a house under construction. We get a shot of the stranger's wrist, which bears a big old red mark. It looks like either a suicide gone very wrong, or the remains of a Kabbalah bracelet. Ashton? Is that you?
The wind blows "eerily." Chimes tinkle on our doomed lady's porch. She takes a break from washing dishes to look around suspiciously, and call out, "Henry?" She goes back to her dishes, but not for long, because of the glass shattering in the room. As all smart young ladies do, the wife grabs a chef's knife and rushes right over. There's nothing there except the remains of a lamp on the ground. She looks out the front door and down the street: still nothing. As she shuts the door, she steps on a piece of the broken lamp and bends down to check her foot, leaving the knife on a table to trick us all into thinking someone's going to pick it up and kill her with it. Au, contraire! The wife hears a noise behind her. She turns around and her eyes widen in fear. We hear scary panting and growling as the wife hauls ass away from whatever slavering beast it is that's about to eat her up. She makes it to the garage and nearly to her car before the thing knocks her down and drags her to God knows where. She screams and claws the ground as she's being dragged away, but whatever's got her is having none of that. We hear a last scream, then everything goes quiet. The wind picks up again. Chimes. Credits.
Well, not so much credits as more floating words, this time reading "Night Stalker." It's the day, at the dead girl's house/construction site/crime scene. The police and news crews have arrived and are all milling around doing their thing. Gabrielle "Bring It" Union and her photographer sidekick get out of a car and walk over to an officer. Gabrielle informs him that she's "Perri Reed. With the Beacon?" The officer tells her sourly that the detective in charge has already answered her questions. Perri needs to know how that can be, since she just got there. Officer Lemonface says that may be true, but another reporter from her paper is already here. Uh-oh! Perri and Sidekick find Stuart in the dead girl's garage. Perri, looking for all the world like she's ready to beat some Buffys down, offers Stuart a chilly "Hi there." Stuart introduces himself as "Carl Kolchak." Perri introduces herself and Sidekick, whose real name is "Jain McManus," and says they're from the Beacon. Carl gives them both the once-over, and tells them dismissively that they can go. Perri puts her hand on her hip and gives Sidekick a look, like "OH NO HE DIDN'T." Kolchak says there must have been some kind of mix-up, because he's got the story. Sidekick asks Kolchak if he even works for the Beacon. Kolchak says it's his first day. Perri moves closer to Kolchak and tells him that the mix-up is his, because -- and here she smiles that "eat shit and die" smile that Gabrielle Union has perfected -- "this is my story." Kolchak heads for his car and says it's too bad he's already interviewed the police and taken photos. Perri follows him outside and asks him what the story is, then. Kolchak gives her the rundown: Emily Gale, age 32, was reported missing by her husband Henry, age 37, when he came home from his job as a night watchman. Perri's all, "That it?" Kolchak says no, that's not "it": he has confidential sources. Sidekick interjects, "First day on the job, and he has confidential sources." Sidekick is on my nerves. Perri asks Kolchak what those sources say. Kolchak takes a conspiratorial tone and tells them that, even though no body's been found, Henry is the prime suspect for Emily's murder -- there's even a nice juicy motive! Perri: "Which is?" Kolchak: "Wouldn't you like to know?" Perri gets up in his face and says she sure would, and intends to find out.
Back in the newsroom, Cotter Smith confronts Kolchak: "No one actually gave you the assignment, did they, Carl?" Perri sits to Kolchak, smug as can be. Kolchak reminds his boss that he was asked to cover crime. Cotter Smith tells him that Perri is the senior crime reporter. Kolchak's all, "HER?" Perri snaps that she's been at the paper for four whole years. Kolchak seventh-grades, "Do you know how long I've covered crime?" Perri sixth-grades, "Like I care." Hee. Cotter Smith tells them both to shut it; they're expected to get along, is that clear? Kolchak, who has now decided he's John Bender, answers, "Crystal." Perri: "Yes." Cotter Smith: "Good. The story's hers." Perri smirks. Kolchak pouts. I kind of hate Kolchak. That's bad, right?
Shots of the newsroom. People researching, layouts being...laid, general bustling. The smarties in the forum keep talking about how awesome it is that the original Kolchak was CGId in, but since I never watched that one, I haven't caught it yet. Perri gets on the phone with a "Detective Cray." She says she heard they were treating the Emily Gale case as a murder. Cray says he can't give her anything but the official statement, so she finds Kolchak and says she needs to know who his sources are. Kolchak says a good reporter always protects his sources, but she's welcome to use his information. Ugh. He needs to start protecting me from his stupid attitude. Perri says she won't use any information without knowing who his sources are, and starts to walk off. Kolchak reels her back in: "Perri. You do want to know the nice, juicy motive, right?" First of all, can we stop saying the motive is "nice and juicy"? Because that's gross. And secondly -- man, I can't believe I waited so long to say this -- shut up, Kolchak. Perri sighs and tells him to spill it. Kolchak says Emily Gale was pregnant, and that's why they think her husband killed her. Perri just stares at him, because while he is very annoying, Kolchak is also kind of hot.
Desert. Some kids are riding their motorbikes. One of them crashes down a hill, looks over, and what to his wondering eyes should appear? Why, it's Emily Gale (and eight tiny reindeer). Emily is very dead. We quickly cut to Henry, being hounded by reporters. Someone asks this other guy standing there if he thinks his brother-in-law killed his sister. BIL doesn't get a chance to answer, because we cut over to Perri and Sidekick. Perri tells Sidekick that Henry Gale is being questioned, and also that Emily's fetus was torn out of her body. Nice! Perri adds that they're still looking for the murder weapon. Sidekick asks how Kolchak knew. Perri shakes her head.
Over at the morgue, BIL and his wife and daughter are there to identify Emily's body. Mom tells the little girl that she and Daddy need to see the doctor alone for a minute, and asks her if she's okay waiting outside. The kid doesn't answer, probably because she can't believe her mom BROUGHT HER TO THE MORGUE IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND NOW IS LEAVING HER ALONE OUTSIDE IT. I mean, seriously. I'm all for family activities and everything, but whatever happened to the park? Finally, the little girl nods, and her parents go inside the scary double doors where the dead people live. Kolchak appears behind her. He says he knows it's scary, and that "bodies of dead people" used to scare him, too. LORD. He informs the girl that it's not so scary when you realize that the people living in those bodies aren't there anymore. The girl rightly responds that she's still afraid. Then she turns toward the window and whispers ominously, "Of what's out there." Before we can realize how ridiculous this show is, the girl's parents walk out and ask what the hell is going on. Besides leaving your six-year-old by herself to get abducted, you mean? Kolchak introduces himself and says he's writing about Emily's death. "The police think your brother-in-law killed her." Mom ushers her daughter away, and Daddy tells Kolchak, "Of course he did! How dare you come in here?" Now is maybe not the best time to get high and mighty, Father of the Year. The entire family gives Kolchak the stink-eye as they walk out. Kolchak calls out to the wife, but she gives him an extra special stink-eye and turns back around.
Meanwhile, back at the newsroom, Perri is struggling with her story. Kolchak walks over, and Perri asks him if he's come to gloat, since she still has the same story as everyone else. Kolchak is all, "Not necessarily." He says he had a little chat with Emily Gale's brother and his wife, and hands Perri his report. He thinks that the wife isn't sure if Henry killed Emily. Perri flips through the report, and asks where she said that. Kolchak says she didn't, exactly, but..."she gave me this look." Now, I am not a reporter, but I interpreted that look more as the kind moms like to give to potential pedophiles. Also, that is retarded. Perri reads my mind: "She gave you a 'look.'" Kolchak says she obviously believes Henry is innocent. Perri: "I see. So...who does she believe killed Emily Gale?" Kolchak smugs, "Well, that's up to you to find out." SIGH. Perri asks him why he can't let this story go. Kolchak gives her what is clearly meant to be an adorable grin in response, and walks off.
Cut to Emily's brother and fam, in their hotel room. The little girl is watching a Porky Pig cartoon. Daddy announces to his little "petunia" that he's running out to the store. Mom is in the bathroom getting into the shower. Wait, nothing bad is about to happen, is it? A shadow appears outside the room's window. Petunia doesn't see this, but she does notice the door handle rattling. The room is dark except for the light of the TV, and the tiny sliver shining from the bathroom. SPOOKY! Petunia starts walking over to the door, which is shaking and rattling with much more force now. It suddenly bursts open, and Petunia scrambles under the bed. The cartoon music swells. Petunia watches tearfully from her hiding spot. Mom blissfully showers until the bathroom light goes out. She turns off the water, pulls back the curtain, and...GRRR! Big scary Emily-killing dog-thing! Mom screams a lot, and Petunia can see the struggle reflected in the bathroom mirror. She shrinks back further under the bed, and we're treated to shots of blood splashed on the walls, then dripping on the floor, and Mom falling down in the shower. Petunia waits in terror as the scary monster appears to take a little rest on the bed she's hiding under. There's a beat as the bed squeaks, then we switch to an overhead shot as the bed's lifted forcefully up and away from the wall, revealing the poor girl. Petunia screams bloody murder, and wonders if she should maybe work on her Hide 'n' Seek skills. Okay, that was pretty scary, I admit it. Commercials.
We come back to several different shots of Los Angeles at night, kind of like the slowest blipvert ever. And hey! There's Kolchak, driving again. He must really love a hamburger. Cut to Mom being loaded into an ambulance, and then to Daddy telling reporters that he's just returned from the hospital, where his wife is in the ICU. He holds up a picture of Petunia, whose actual name is Julie, and tearfully begs her kidnapper to return her safely. More shots of Kolchak driving. What is UP with that? Kolchak finds Perri in the newsroom, and she asks him what's going on. He tells her that the police's new theory is that they're dealing with a serial killer. He suggests that she call Henry Gale's attorney now that the charges have been dropped. Perri says she would have thought he'd try to get that interview for himself. Kolchak admits that he did, actually, but the attorney wouldn't return his calls. He adds, in a very kiss-ass way, "Seeing as you're the senior crime reporter, hm?" Perri tells him with no small amount of glee that she already got the interview. She winks at him all sassy-like. "Wanna come?"
Back in Kolchak's car, Perri cat
ches sight of double-amputee Gumby. "Gumby do something to piss you off?" Heh. Now, see? Here's what we need more of. Dear Night Stalker people whose names I do not know yet: More of that, please. I could like you if you acted right, really. Thank you for your cooperation, AB Chao. Perri thinks a minute, then asks Kolchak, "You knew I had that interview before you asked, didn't you?" Kolchak says he did. Perri says she thought so. They both smile to themselves. Man, this already?
Perri interviews Henry as Kolchak looks on intently. Sidekick takes photos. Where did he come from? He certainly wasn't in the car with Perri and Kolchak, sittin' in a tree. Perri asks Henry if he's spoken to his brother-in-law since he accused him of killing his sister. Henry says people get desperate for an explanation when there are no answers, enough to believe the unbelievable. Kolchak jumps in to ask Henry if he saw or heard anything weird before he left, like say, oh, Kolchak doesn't know...an animal? Perri gives Kolchak a look. Henry says sometimes coyotes come down and get into their garbage cans. Kolchak asks if Henry actually saw this alleged coyote. Henry says no. Kolchak thanks Henry and walks out. Sidekick whispers in Perri's ear, "What was that about?"
Perri doesn't know what that was about, but it sure is keeping her up at night. She gets up at three in the morning and walks downstairs, and by the way, nice underwear, to search Kolchak's name on her computer. She finds a bunch of listings for journalism awards Kolchak won when he was working in Las Vegas, and then one that reads "FBI Murder Investigation: FBI investigators questioned Carl Kolchak regarding this murder..." Unfortunately for Perri, the link pulls up a 404. What, it's not in Google's cache?
Newsroom. Hey, I think I see Famous Original Kolchak! Perri has changed into something a little less comfortable, and is on the phone with a Las Vegas FBI agent named Fain. She tells Agent Fain that she's with the L.A. Beacon, and is calling about Carl Kolchak. Agent Fain asks Perri where Kolchak is. She tells him that he works with her in L.A., and was curious about the murder investigation he was questioned for back in Vegas. Agent Fain asks her if she's planning to write a story about it...since none of Kolchak's colleagues in Vegas would. Perri asks him if there's a story at all. Agent Fain says there is, if she's willing to write it: "Carl Kolchak is a murderer." Well, excellent, then! Commercials.
Sidekick finds Kolchak in the newsroom, and asks him if he's got a minute. Kolchak does, of course. Sidekick says he heard what Kolchak said about the animals during the interview with Henry, and it got him to thinking. He shows Kolchak some photos that he took at both crime scenes. There are tracks in the dirt at both sites, and in one of the pictures, there's a blurry shot of what appears to be a coyote. Or a SCARY KILLING MONSTER!!! Sidekick asks worriedly, "What the hell is it, Kolchak?" Dramatic music plays.
Meanwhile, Perri is having a little meeting somewhere in the desert with Agent Fain. Perri asks Agent Fain, who is wearing the requisite dark suit and sunglasses of Real Live FBI Agents, what it is he wants her to see. Agent Fain tells Perri that this right here is where Kolchak killed his wife. "Of course," says Agent Fain, "that's not his story." We flash back to Kolchak and his wife driving down this same road. Agent Fain voice-overs that Kolchak claims he swerved to avoid a head-on collision, then pulled over to the side of the road. "Then it happened." We see something smash through the windshield on his wife's side. Perri asks what it was. Agent Fain says sarcastically, "He says he never got a good look at it. But whatever it was, it 'wasn't human.'" We flash back again to Kolchak waking up some time later, with a huge hole in the windshield and the remains of Gumby swinging from the rearview mirror. Is it kind of gross that he kept that? Anyway, Kolchak's neck is bloody, and his wife isn't in the car. He finds her body in the brush a few feet from the road, a huge bloodstain on her abdomen. Where, perhaps, a baby would have been. Back in the present, Agent Fain says it's mighty convenient that his wife was killed and Kolchak was left alive. Perri asks if he was charged. Fain says there was insufficient evidence. "I've answered your questions, Ms. Reed. Now, answer mine. Why are you investigating Carl Kolchak?"
The world may never know, because we cut to Kolchak and Sidekick back at the motel crime scene. Sidekick points out where he took the picture that captured their little doggie friend. Kolchak finds two sets of footprints, but no drag marks. Sidekick's all, "I would like you to explain." Kolchak says maybe instead of dragging Petunia off, "they" carried her off. "Instead of looking for that little girl's body, they should be looking for her alive." Sidekick would like to know, please, what kind of animal carries off a little girl. Kolchak says grimly, "Who says it was an animal?" Who, indeed, Carl? Perhaps the FBI will help you figure it out, because here they come. Perri steps out of Agent Fain's big black FBI sedan, looking guilty. Fain points out to Kolchak that these new crimes are strikingly similar to his wife's murder. Sidekick's all, "Murder?" Poor Sidekick. Agent Fain cuffs Kolchak, as Perri stands around looking at the ground. More commercials? ABC is weird.
Bossman Cotter Smith finds Perri outside the L.A. County Jail. "I understand I have you to thank for this?" Perri's like, hey, thanks for telling me you hired an accused murderer. Cotter tells her that's nobody's business, and besides, he's just an accused murderer. Heh. Perri is not reassured. Cotter says it's not his job to reassure her. Perri asks him if he was aware that Kolchak claimed some kind of beast killed his wife, and was then held for psychiatric evaluation. Cotter says Kolchak recanted that story, and was always just a suspect, nothing more. Perri counters that you have to wonder why Kolchak is so interested in these new murders. Cotter: "You mean why a man would be interested in a story that so closely mirrors his own?" Perri has no answer to this. Cotter sighs heavily, then tells her that Kolchak was a journalist superstar five years ago in Vegas, when he broke some kind of corruption story that made both of their careers. The kicker, though, was that Kolchak wasn't even there the day the guy was convicted, the biggest day of his career, because he had stayed home to take care of his wife. So, see, he couldn't have killed her! He loved her enough to call in sick for her! Perri is finally chastened. Kolchak walks out the door just then, saying they had to let him go, because all they had was "their fevered imaginations."
Perri drives Kolchak home. He thanks her for the ride. Perri apologizes for getting him arrested, and says she was just asking questions when she went to the FBI. Kolchak gives her a funny look. "But you're not sure I'm innocent, either, right?" Perri looks away, in the direction of Kolchak's house. She asks him why his front door is open. They go inside, and -- surprise! -- the FBI has trashed the place. It's a shame, too, because Kolchak's house is incredible, all modern glass and glowy Asian lamps. Oh, and look, there's an Eames chair all smashed to bits. Sad! Perri says she'll help him clean up, but Kolchak says he needs a beer. While Kolchak fetches the drinks, Perri takes this opportunity to snoop around in his home office. She finds, conveniently lying on the floor, a folder full of crime scene photos of his wife. Kolchak creeps up behind Perri and says as much, scaring the shit out of her in the process. Perri asks him why he would keep these. Kolchak: "Look at her left hand." Perri does, and sees the same red mark on her wrist that we saw earlier in the episode. She asks what it is. Kolchak says he doesn't know -- but she didn't have it before she died. He shows her a bunch more pictures of other de
ad people with the same mark. Perri asks if he thinks these people were killed by the same thing that killed his wife. Kolchak says that's the weird thing -- none of them were, since they all died in different, but admittedly strange, ways. One woman, who was convinced someone was going to burn her to death, pretty much spontaneously combusted in her own bathroom; one committed suicide, after confessing to three murders in his suicide note that were committed after he died; an entire family reported hearing strange sounds in their new house, and then were all found hanging in their attic. Perri doesn't understand the connection. Kolchak says he doesn't either, but there is one.
Perri finally realizes that Kolchak didn't have any confidential sources -- he knew Emily Gale's murder would match all the others. Why kill her, then, and take Petunia? "And why not you?" she finishes. Kolchak confesses that his wife was keeping a secret from him, but he didn't find out what it was until her autopsy: she was pregnant. He says that some of the victims, also, didn't have the mark, but he knows they fit in somehow, like pieces in a puzzle. "But no one sees it because no one wants to." Stuart Townsend says this last bit with such intensity that I am afraid his head might explode. Perri must feel it, too, because she's all, "I could use that beer now." Kolchak asks Perri if she thinks he's crazy. Perri says, gently, so as not to upset the psychopath, that she thinks he desperately wants an explanation, so he believes the unbelievable. Kolchak reminds her that Petunia is still out there somewhere, and he might be the only one asking questions that could save her. The phone rings. Kolchak answers, listens for half a second, and practically shrieks, "Okay I'll be right THERE!!!" He informs Perri that it was Jain, who just received a call about some wild animals causing trouble near a girls' school.
Kolchak and Perri tear into the school parking lot, where Sidekick is waiting for them. He says one of the girls heard scratching, and when the headmistress looked out the window, she saw some kind of animal running off. Perri's like, "That's what you're basing this on?" Seriously. Sidekick tells Kolchak that the same tracks they found at the motel are here, too. Kolchak opens his trunk, which is bursting with all kinds of monster-hunting gear, and pulls out a tank of some kind. They walk around to the playground. Sidekick points out the tracks beneath the swings, and they talk about the monster while Perri looks more and more skeptical. Kolchak starts spraying something around from his tank, which looks a lot like the thing I used last week on my garden. Perri asks him what he's doing, and I am not making this up, he replies, "Hun-ting." Just like that, two syllables, both ridiculous. EPHRAM PLEASE CALL ME I SWEAR I'LL BE NICE ABOUT YOUR HAIR!!!! Perri commands Sidekick to give her his keys. "You can ride home with Elmer Fudd. I've had enough." You and me both, sister. Sidekick obliges, and Perri walks off while Kolchak continues to spray his magical monster-finder (now with bonus weed-killer!) all over the yard.
Oh, but Perri is not alone. She's almost to the car when she hears something behind her. Whatever it is growls a little bit. Perri takes off running, but trips and falls. The thing's shadow falls over her, and she looks up, terrified. Fortunately, Kolchak must have finished his yardwork, because his Mustang comes roaring toward her and her attacker. Perri rolls out of the way just in time, and Kolchak takes out the scary monster. He jumps out and asks Perri if she's okay. Sidekick runs over, and they all look down at the thing, which appears to be a coyote that's been dredged in flour and burnt to a delicious crisp. It's pretty gross. Sidekick starts snapping pictures, and we go to some blessed commercials.
Back at the morgue, Agent Fain and the medical examiner inform our intrepid crew that they hit a coyote. They're like, "Wha?" The M.E. tries to be all smart, and says the thing Kolchak hit was the common "Canis iatrans" found throughout North America. Except he must have totally failed Latin, because it's "Canis latrans," with an "L." And for that, I thank you, forum. Sidekick's all, "That ain't look like no coyote I ever saw." The M.E. insists that it certainly was one, and they can't see the body because Animal Control already took it away. Bummer! They walk outside, all mad at the system and stupid government conspiracies and how you should trust no one and whatnot.
Kolchak tells Perri that they're lying, because Fain's so desperate to put him away he'd suppress any evidence that connects his wife's death to Emily Gale. He says he knows Fain won't release the autopsy photos because they match his wife's. Perri has to break it to him that they actually didn't -- she got Fain to release the photos. She shows them to him, and says she's sorry. Kolchak looks crushed, but not too crushed to take Perri and Sidekick to a diner for a bite to eat. Kolchak stares at the autopsy pictures while Perri tells him some more how sorry she is. Kolchak looks up at her, and says, "She was afraid." Perri's like, "What now?" Kolchak says Petunia was afraid, and now she's missing, and they killed his wife, too, and they really really have to find out what's happening. Perri: "So, these animals. They have...purpose?" Heh.
Sidekick is just getting back with the coffees when Kolchak's actual Sidekick begins to beep. He looks at some kind of GPS thing on it, and tells him they've got to go. Once they're in the car, Kolchak explains that the weed-killer he was spraying was actually a kind of chemical vapor designed to track the animals. JESUS GAY. I only wish I were making this up. The signal leads them to a cave out in the desert. Inside the cave, they lose the signal, but Kolchak still thinks Petunia is in there somewhere. Armed with cattle prods from Kolchak's trunk o' goodies, our little group heads further into the cave. Sure enough, they hear crying. Sidekick ventures into a little cavern, and then...um, bats fly out at them. I hate myself and want to die. After the bats, they hear another noise. Perri: "That's not a little girl." Commercials.
Still in the Batcave. Perri must have misheard, because they hear more crying, and it actually is a little girl. Petunia is perched on a ledge across a real deep chasm. Kolchak tells Petunia that he's there to save her, but she has to jump to him. After a bunch of crying and screaming, Petunia takes the plunge and lands safely in Kolchak's arms. Then the actual scary noises start. Everyone runs like hell. Sidekick gets his leg caught by one of the monsters, but Kolchak cattle prods it and drags him up. They jump into the car and speed away, but not before one of the monsters can smash the windshield. There is much screaming and loudness, and it's making me nervous. Kolchak drives out of the cave, and we see that his windshield is mysteriously healed. It's a miracle!
Cut to the newsroom. Strummy music plays as Kolchak sits at his desk, getting ready to write what should be a hell of a story. Cut to the hospital, where Mom and Daddy and Petunia are reunited. Cut to the Batcave. Agent Fain walks out looking confused, and Kolchak is there leaning against his super-car to give him a knowing look. Cut back to the newsroom -- Kolchak writes his story, and it gets printed. Perri finds him and asks him why he didn't write what he saw. Kolchak says he wouldn't last long in this job if he did that. Perri says the public has a right to know. Kolchak: "The public doesn't want to know." Perri gives him a look. He says he is going to find out what's going on, and when he does, he'll print it, and the public will have to believe. Perri: "I'm watching you." Aw, they're in love again. Kolchak says she is the senior crime reporter. Perri says that reminds her: "I've been covering crime for four years. How about you?" Kolchak: "Five." Perri says that's what she thought, and walks off. ["What did that even mean? I want to like this show, but when they use the Snark-o-Matic 3000 to generate meaningless dialogue, it makes it hard for me." -- Sars]
Oh, Lord. More floaty words. Kolchak is back in his car, still searching for the perfect burger. He voice-overs that, as a reporter, he seeks answers to questions that haunt him, but the real stories aren't printed in any newspaper. "Stories of strange death, endless suffering, horrors we can only pretend to explain. And these are the stories I live to write, haunted by the fear that the answers I seek lie not in the darkness without...but the darkness within." We get a shot of Kolchak's wrist, which also bears the Kabbalah mark. Oh, no!