By AB Chao
Oh, Night Stalker. It sure is sad for you that my last show was so damn good. I'll try not to hold it against you. Wait, scratch that: I totally will. Let's get to it, then.
Fade up on an extreme close-up of a dark and lonely road. The center lines flash past; a piano plays in the background as a voice-over says, and I only wish I were kidding, "I drive at night. The police radio is my compass." Cut to the inside of a car, presumably owned by our night driver, who drives at night. We get flashes of Night Driver's eyes, the police scanner, and a half-amputated Gumby hanging from the rearview mirror. Driver of Nightliness tells us he's looking for answers to questions he's only learning how to ask. As he says "questions," THE ACTUAL WORD swims up onto the screen. Now, really, did we need that visual aid? Oh, here's another one! "Fear." And another! "Nightmares." The driver, we see now, is Stuart "Charlize Theron's Shadow" Townsend. He voice-overs some more about -- now, this is surprising! -- fear and nightmares. We fade from this delightful Powerpoint presentation (tm spork) to the actual screen upon which Stuart is typing his voice-over. He tells us more about the scary things he's looking for: "Nightmares that intrude from another realm. Forces that spring not from the imagination, but live amongst us, unseen. These forces have taken something from me." The camera pulls back to reveal that Stuart is working from home, and home is a very modern-looking, fabulous house that overlooks Los Angeles. Now he's back in his car -- a beautiful Mustang in that hideous orange color -- driving around in search of unseen forces, or possibly an all-night Wendy's (Eat great! Open late!).
Cut to someone else's house, not nearly as beautiful as Stuart's. A woman in a pink robe runs outside after her man, who must be on his way to a night job. She hands him a metal lunchbox, and lovingly straightens his jacket collar. The husband remarks that it's cold tonight, and teasingly says he could call in sick. His wife asks him who'd make the house payments then? She receives a kiss in response, and the husband gets in his truck. Before he drives off, a noise startles him. He looks around, but sees nothing, and drives away. Could this be...foreshadowing? We will soon find out! Across the street, a figure lurks inside a house under construction. We get a shot of the stranger's wrist, which bears a big old red mark. It looks like either a suicide gone very wrong, or the remains of a Kabbalah bracelet. Ashton? Is that you?