Episode Report Card AB Chao: C+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Pilot
By AB Chao | Season 1 | Episode 1 | Aired on 09.28.2005
Back in the newsroom, Cotter Smith confronts Kolchak: "No one actually gave you the assignment, did they, Carl?" Perri sits next to Kolchak, smug as can be. Kolchak reminds his boss that he was asked to cover crime. Cotter Smith tells him that Perri is the senior crime reporter. Kolchak's all, "HER?" Perri snaps that she's been at the paper for four whole years. Kolchak seventh-grades, "Do you know how long I've covered crime?" Perri sixth-grades, "Like I care." Hee. Cotter Smith tells them both to shut it; they're expected to get along, is that clear? Kolchak, who has now decided he's John Bender, answers, "Crystal." Perri: "Yes." Cotter Smith: "Good. The story's hers." Perri smirks. Kolchak pouts. I kind of hate Kolchak. That's bad, right?
Shots of the newsroom. People researching, layouts being...laid, general bustling. The smarties in the forum keep talking about how awesome it is that the original Kolchak was CGId in, but since I never watched that one, I haven't caught it yet. Perri gets on the phone with a "Detective Cray." She says she heard they were treating the Emily Gale case as a murder. Cray says he can't give her anything but the official statement, so she finds Kolchak and says she needs to know who his sources are. Kolchak says a good reporter always protects his sources, but she's welcome to use his information. Ugh. He needs to start protecting me from his stupid attitude. Perri says she won't use any information without knowing who his sources are, and starts to walk off. Kolchak reels her back in: "Perri. You do want to know the nice, juicy motive, right?" First of all, can we stop saying the motive is "nice and juicy"? Because that's gross. And secondly -- man, I can't believe I waited so long to say this -- shut up, Kolchak. Perri sighs and tells him to spill it. Kolchak says Emily Gale was pregnant, and that's why they think her husband killed her. Perri just stares at him, because while he is very annoying, Kolchak is also kind of hot.
Desert. Some kids are riding their motorbikes. One of them crashes down a hill, looks over, and what to his wondering eyes should appear? Why, it's Emily Gale (and eight tiny reindeer). Emily is very dead. We quickly cut to Henry, being hounded by reporters. Someone asks this other guy standing there if he thinks his brother-in-law killed his sister. BIL doesn't get a chance to answer, because we cut over to Perri and Sidekick. Perri tells Sidekick that Henry Gale is being questioned, and also that Emily's fetus was torn out of her body. Nice! Perri adds that they're still looking for the murder weapon. Sidekick asks how Kolchak knew. Perri shakes her head.
Over at the morgue, BIL and his wife and daughter are there to identify Emily's body. Mom tells the little girl that she and Daddy need to see the doctor alone for a minute, and asks her if she's okay waiting outside. The kid doesn't answer, probably because she can't believe her mom BROUGHT HER TO THE MORGUE IN THE FIRST PLACE, AND NOW IS LEAVING HER ALONE OUTSIDE IT. I mean, seriously. I'm all for family activities and everything, but whatever happened to the park? Finally, the little girl nods, and her parents go inside the scary double doors where the dead people live. Kolchak appears behind her. He says he knows it's scary, and that "bodies of dead people" used to scare him, too. LORD. He informs the girl that it's not so scary when you realize that the people living in those bodies aren't there anymore. The girl rightly responds that she's still afraid. Then she turns toward the window and whispers ominously, "Of what's out there." Before we can realize how ridiculous this show is, the girl's parents walk out and ask what the hell is going on. Besides leaving your six-year-old by herself to get abducted, you mean? Kolchak introduces himself and says he's writing about Emily's death. "The police think your brother-in-law killed her." Mom ushers her daughter away, and Daddy tells Kolchak, "Of course he did! How dare you come in here?" Now is maybe not the best time to get high and mighty, Father of the Year. The entire family gives Kolchak the stink-eye as they walk out. Kolchak calls out to the wife, but she gives him an extra special stink-eye and turns back around.
Meanwhile, back at the newsroom, Perri is struggling with her story. Kolchak walks over, and Perri asks him if he's come to gloat, since she still has the same story as everyone else. Kolchak is all, "Not necessarily." He says he had a little chat with Emily Gale's brother and his wife, and hands Perri his report. He thinks that the wife isn't sure if Henry killed Emily. Perri flips through the report, and asks where she said that. Kolchak says she didn't, exactly, but..."she gave me this look." Now, I am not a reporter, but I interpreted that look more as the kind moms like to give to potential pedophiles. Also, that is retarded. Perri reads my mind: "She gave you a 'look.'" Kolchak says she obviously believes Henry is innocent. Perri: "I see. So...who does she believe killed Emily Gale?" Kolchak smugs, "Well, that's up to you to find out." SIGH. Perri asks him why he can't let this story go. Kolchak gives her what is clearly meant to be an adorable grin in response, and walks off.
Cut to Emily's brother and fam, in their hotel room. The little girl is watching a Porky Pig cartoon. Daddy announces to his little "petunia" that he's running out to the store. Mom is in the bathroom getting into the shower. Wait, nothing bad is about to happen, is it? A shadow appears outside the room's window. Petunia doesn't see this, but she does notice the door handle rattling. The room is dark except for the light of the TV, and the tiny sliver shining from the bathroom. SPOOKY! Petunia starts walking over to the door, which is shaking and rattling with much more force now. It suddenly bursts open, and Petunia scrambles under the bed. The cartoon music swells. Petunia watches tearfully from her hiding spot. Mom blissfully showers until the bathroom light goes out. She turns off the water, pulls back the curtain, and...GRRR! Big scary Emily-killing dog-thing! Mom screams a lot, and Petunia can see the struggle reflected in the bathroom mirror. She shrinks back further under the bed, and we're treated to shots of blood splashed on the walls, then dripping on the floor, and Mom falling down in the shower. Petunia waits in terror as the scary monster appears to take a little rest on the bed she's hiding under. There's a beat as the bed squeaks, then we switch to an overhead shot as the bed's lifted forcefully up and away from the wall, revealing the poor girl. Petunia screams bloody murder, and wonders if she should maybe work on her Hide 'n' Seek skills. Okay, that was pretty scary, I admit it. Commercials.
We come back to several different shots of Los Angeles at night, kind of like the slowest blipvert ever. And hey! There's Kolchak, driving again. He must really love a hamburger. Cut to Mom being loaded into an ambulance, and then to Daddy telling reporters that he's just returned from the hospital, where his wife is in the ICU. He holds up a picture of Petunia, whose actual name is Julie, and tearfully begs her kidnapper to return her safely. More shots of Kolchak driving. What is UP with that? Kolchak finds Perri in the newsroom, and she asks him what's going on. He tells her that the police's new theory is that they're dealing with a serial killer. He suggests that she call Henry Gale's attorney now that the charges have been dropped. Perri says she would have thought he'd try to get that interview for himself. Kolchak admits that he did, actually, but the attorney wouldn't return his calls. He adds, in a very kiss-ass way, "Seeing as you're the senior crime reporter, hm?" Perri tells him with no small amount of glee that she already got the interview. She winks at him all sassy-like. "Wanna come?"
Back in Kolchak's car, Perri cat