Hustler Hollywood. Larry Flynt's porn store on the Sunset Strip. Jessica and cute assistant Casey go shopping for Valentine's Day. That's the shitty life of an assistant -- having to go shop for dildos and nipple clamps with your boss. But then again, I'm sure some Hollywood assistants have to go shopping for worse. (Can you imagine being Robert Downey Jr.'s assistant? "But y'all, he's totally clean," you say? Yeah, and Courtney Love is a good mother.) Jessica "ew"s over products, saying that some of this stuff is scary. (She's just talking about the books; words are hard.) Casey wants her to buy a maid's outfit. Jessica's like, "Bitch. You should be wearing that. Now go buy me a latte." Casey then says that she should buy Nick an "Inflatable Wife." Jessica reads the label on the joke product. "Totally silent. Wastes no time. Spends no money. Toilet seat is always up." Then Jessica says, "Or down, in his --" Then Casey corrects her, but Jessica says, "No. For him, it's always down." Then Jessica stops herself, and Casey mutters, "I hope it's not." But then something weird passes between them and it becomes clear: Nick is a sit-down pee-er! And Jessica outed him and then caught herself after it was too late and tried to play it off. But the scene ends with Casey and Jessica just laughing, trying to avoid the cameras, and it's totally true. Nick sits to pee. He stoops to conquer. He squats with the puppies. He's Lord Sitdown of Urinetown. Okay, I can't think of any more. What a weenie. Pee-sitter.
Theme song. Credits. For the last time. This I swear.
Shots of L.A. Shots of L.A. Jessica drives. Casey and Jessica head into Williams-Sonoma as Jessica voice-overs that today is Valentine's Day and she has lots of surprises for Nick; she hired a professional chef and she's going to spend the day cooking a meal with him. Jessica buys an apron. She picks out some cookies and says Nick will like these. Why? Can he sit to pee on them? Jessica picks out heart plates. Then she holds up napkin rings, and Casey is clearly tired of this already because she just half looks up and says, "Cute," and then looks back down, all sarcastic and snotty. Bitch be gettin' uppity! I'd be like, "What was that snotty tone, biz-nitch? You're my assistant, not my friend, and don't you forget it. Best apologize or I'll fire your ass and you'll be back to doing extra work on Hack so fast your frizzy head will spin." Seriously. Can't be letting your assistant back-sass you, or pretty soon they'll be David Spading all over your ass.
They buy they're shit and head to the car, already late. I can't believe Jessica is driving. I'd be chilling in the back seat like, "Bitch. You're driving too bumpy!" Then I'd make her run in and get me some Quiznos, but if there was too much mayo I'd throw it at her and make her clean it out of my car. Man, I can't wait to have an assistant. In the car, Jessica babbles about how Nick can't stand not knowing what's going on and he's been asking her all day what she has planned and he can't not be in control.
Kitchen. They put away groceries. Man, I'd make Casey do that shit. And then I'd sit on the counter watching and criticizing. But instead Nick and Jessica help. Well, Nick just unpacks all his shitty Miller Lite. Jessica teases him for not liking surprises. He reiterates the thing about not being in control. "Hey, Casey! Stop listening to our private conversation and get to work putting the groceries away! Damn."
Outside. A hot Ferrari pulls up the driveway. Casey and Jessica whisper back and forth, "Do you hear it?" about the Ferrari. Jessica then calls out to Nick, asking him what he's doing. Nick says, "Looking at the fucking Ferrari pulling up the driveway." Casey and Jessica immediately go into hysterics. Nick is sort of hiding, saying he was taking out the trash and a Ferrari pulled up. Jessica just stands, acting innocent. They argue about who is going to open the door until Nick does, saying, "I'm scared." The dude asks if someone rented a Ferrari. Nick is all smiles as he signs papers and Jessica explains that she rented him the car because he has to be out of the house today. Nick is smiling like the day of the Husky puppies -- right before Jessica shattered his childhood dream. They go outside to look at the car. Jessica starts babbling about how he always wanted to drive one and how he should be impressed because it was her idea. The Ferrari man shows Nick all the bumps and scratches on the car, even using a little mirror to show the undercarriage. Yikes. That's sort of scary. Suddenly, there are like four rental people and they give Nick the keys and leave. Casey leans on the car looking at it. I'd be all, "Hey! Hired help! Lean on your own damn Ford Metro if you want to lean on a car."
Inside, Jessica is still following Nick around, asking if he likes the car. She then complains that he's acting weird. Way to ruin everything, stupid. Nick says he's just nervous. Nick wonders if he has to leave right away, if they can eat first. In the kitchen, as the girls make terrible sandwiches, Casey butts in once again, asking if Nick is nervous, if that's it. Jessica says he just said he is. Casey "awwww"s. Nick wonders how Drew factors into this, and Jessica says he's taking care of Nick for the day. Nick says he doesn't like to not be in control and Jessica says, "I'm picking up on that." They eat awkward sandwiches, flipping through magazines (if Jessica can't read, at least she can look through the pictures). Jessica asks if he thought she'd bought it for him, and he says he knew she hadn't because it was an older Ferrari and she would never buy anything used. Hee. Nick wonders where he's supposed to drive to, and Jessica says that it's his Ferrari, so it's up to him. Commercials.
The chef arrives; Casey refers to him as a "cook." Idiot! Jessica answers the door on the young "cook" with the thick Italian accent. Jessica says, "I'm not so experienced, but I'm excited." Exactly what she said on her wedding night, except for the "excited" part. Chef Boyardee has an assistant there too -- maybe he and Casey should trade notes, or go wax their bosses' cars like good little assistants. The Chef Assistant claims he's one of the managers of the restaurant, but I don't buy it. He looks like he could be the manager of a chess club, maybe. Maybe. In the kitchen, Chef Boyardee puts a live lobster into the sink -- to live out his final horrible moments of life in Jessica Simpson's kitchen. That sucks. Chef offers an apron, but she has her own. Chef Assistant butts in and asks if this is a surprise dinner, and Jessica doesn't yell at him and tell him to mind his own fucking business or she'll whip him like she did Casey, but instead answers, bragging about the Ferrari.
Out. Ferrari. Nick drives, gunning the car up to 80, ripping the gears to shit. He pulls outside of Drew's and toots the wimpy horn. Drew comes out, winding up a garden hose. "What are you, Magnum P.I.?"
Kitchen. Chef Boyardee cooks as Jessica peppers him with inane questions about if he's ever cut himself chopping and are they using pumpkin from a can and are brown eggs different from regular eggs. The chef entertains her questions with great deadpan, not buying into her shit at all. He sort of looks like he wants to bitch-slap her with the lobster, which he should. He shows her the ingredients -- she asks what oregano is. Ha. By the way, Jessica hasn't done one lick of cooking.
Drew and DrewWife's house. It's a fine house and cute and all, but it's funny how much of a relative ghetto house it is to Nick's. The three stand around the kitchen. DrewWife is totally flirting with Nick as they make inane small talk, and then she teases him about how they're going to be spending quality time together on Valentine's Day.
Kitchen. "Now we kill the lobster," says Chef Boyardee. He rips the lobster's legs off and then the head. Casey comes to watch. "Come kill the lobster for us, Maid!" Jessica wonders what the green stuff is. Ew. Chef Boyardee makes a soup using the green stuff. He says that it's good for "flavor," the brains and all. Yuck. But it will be the first time Jessica has had any brains inside of her.
Ferrari. The boys get into the car and drive off to go hit some golf balls. They groan getting out of the low car. Nick has a terrible backswing. Just awful. I'm a shitty golfer, but even my swing is better than his. They get back into the car, have a boring conversation, and drive off.
Casey invites Leah to come hang out and watch the cute chef. Man, that's really overstepping her bounds. Jessica watches and tastes things as Chef Boyardee cooks. The chef makes ravioli from scratch. She asks if this is all it takes to make noodles? He resists backhanding her with a ladle. More cooking. More cooking. Leah arrives, ogling the chef. Poor Chef Assistant leans against the wall, bored. Leah and Casey lean on the counter, watching Chef Boyardee dreamily. Jessica stirs the soup, asking if all she has to do is heat it up. He says yes. Casey gets super-uppity: "Do you need me to write it down?" Ha.
I take it back. Drew's house is nice. They arrive back, totally bottoming the car out and then stalling in the driveway. They have a boring conversation.
House. Flower guy delivers stuff for a whole table setting. The three girls try to set up a table with a centerpiece and all, using directions and photos. These girls are not brilliant. Then Nick calls, saying he's on his way home. She stalls him. Then James, the server for the night, arrives. Jessica says she also has a violinist coming. The girls finish with the table. That's the most work they've done in years.
Drew's. The boys play basketball. They suck. Nick hurts his ankle.
The girls take stuff out of Jessica's trunk for tonight. She says she loves the scent of a candle. Then she looks at it and says, "Oh. It's unscented." Dipshit. Commercials.
House. Night. It's all done up and there's a cellist playing music. A cellist. Not a "violinist." She's such a brain fart. Jessica looks gorgeous in a small black dress with uber-cleavage as she walks around lighting candles. Then Nick arrives. "We set it up all ourselves. Isn't it pretty?" asks Jessica. Server Boy stands awkwardly by while the violincello plays and Jessica hugs Nick. He goes upstairs to take a shower. "Oh, great. I'm never going to get the fuck out of here," thinks Server Boy. Jessica goes to "cook," but can't figure anything out, fucking up the meal left and right. "I cooked all day long," lies Jessica as Nick comes downstairs, dressed for dinner. "It's nice to have this at our house, huh?" says Jessica, as Nick pulls her seat out for her. They have terrible conversation as Server Boy brings out courses and the trumpettuba plays. Jessica says that the chef from Dolce (ugh, Ashton Kutcher's shitty restaurant) came and showed her how to cook today; she lies again, saying that she made the main course all by herself. Right. She boiled the water for the ravioli that he made. Good job, Wolfgang. Jessica then starts gushing over the chef and how he's "twenty-eight" and from Milan. Nick gets jealous, then punches her the stomach for flirting. Well, not really, but a boy can dream. Nick says, "I don't like 28-year-old Italian men in my kitchen." Oh, put your tail feathers away, Nick. Nick is literally sweating with jealousy.
They finish eating, and Jessica gives him his gift. It's a thin Gucci box, and she stops him before he opens it to say that it's just because she loves him and he deserves it. Wow. What a speech. He opens it, and it's a membership to a country club. Really? A country club would take him? He's very happy. He gets up and kisses her. She laughs in his face. Nick tells her to close her eyes and brings down a huge bouquet and puts it in front of her. She loves it. It's cold. He says he kept it in his "Miller Lite fridge upstairs." He has a fridge just for Miller Lite? Man. Someone let the trash in Calabasas. Then she gets stuck on the card, saying, "I can't read your handwriting." Ha. Right. Can't read, period. Nick takes the card and reads it to her: "Jess. You represent everything that's good in my life." She represents the good things? She's a metaphor for the good things? And also, what good things are happening in his life? His Miller Lite fridge? He continues: "So many of our dreams are coming true now…" Okay, and I officially give up now. I can't listen to the rest of his bad card. Jessica loves it, and tears up. But then when he's done, she immediately starts opening her gift. It's jewelry of some sort. Of course. "Come here and sit on Daddy's lap," he says. Ew. Ew. Ew. At least she tells him to shut up. They kiss. He asks if it's time to go upstairs to bed yet. She says not yet. He then sings a falsetto version of "What'll I Do." I know what I'll do. Vomit.
Then Jessica says she's tired. "I worked hard today," she says, as she goes upstairs and disappears. "Jess!" Nick calls up to her. "Ah, Jessica, Jessica, Jessica," he says, realizing that after all that shit, he's still not getting laid. Ha.
After. Day. Jessica tries to get into the Ferrari but can't open it. Then over a montage of shots from the season, a voice tells us that the season is over and Newlyweds will be back in June for an all new season. And that's it. See ya!