Night. Gas station. Jessica and Cute Assistant. Jessica talks on her cell phone right in front of the pump. If there's any truth to the rumor that talking on a cell phone at a gas station can cause you to catch on fire, please let it be proven true right here. Sadly, Jessica does not combust, and she and Cute Assistant both stand around, confused. Finally, Cute Assistant finds the nozzle. Jessica says that she doesn't have cash, calling the assistant "Casey." When Mighty Casey got this job, she struck out. Casey tells her to put "it" in "there," referring to the ATM slot and Jessica's credit card. It may just be hanging out with Jessica so much rubbing off on her, but Casey doesn't seem to be no Einstein herself. Jessica thinks you have to use an ATM card. She thinks it's "weird" and then asks, "Who has an ATM card?" Um, people who exist in the regular world where they have to pay for their own things. Casey makes faces as Jessica tries to put her Vons Club card or something in the machine. Wait, who am I kidding? As if Jessica ever goes shopping. Jessica pumps gas, bratting that she hates doing this, because she thinks everyone is staring at her, thinking she's doing it wrong. Isn't that the whole purpose of this TV show? To watch Jessica do things the exact opposite way normal people are supposed to do them, and then laugh at her for it? "Come out, gas," she says. After pumping the gas, Jessica then says that she heard you're supposed to give it one more click "to see if there's anything else in there." I'm sure Nick was the one who told her that. And I'm sure he wasn't referring to gas. The beeping continues as neither of them can find where the receipt comes out. They quickly leave, embarrassed. Uh, maybe they oughta hire Jessica an assistant smarter than her, instead of the other way around.
Credits. Song. Graphics. Any day now Nick's voice will be replaced by Jessica's on the opening track.
House. Day. Jessica and Casey talk as Nick bumbles around the kitchen. Jessica tells Casey that they're going skiing on Monday and she has no ski clothes. Casey waits to be invited, but it never happens. That's fucked up. Even the Bradys took Alice to Hawaii with them -- even if she did have to cook all their meals. Casey says she hates skiing. "Ugh," she says. She goes on to try to talk about how she cries every time, but Jessica, putting on makeup, still manages to interrupt, saying that she too, cries. Casey starts to go on with her story. "Because --" she says, and then Jessica interrupts again, saying that you sweat in all the clothes but then you get out there and it's "butt cold." Casey tries to add something about how the clothes aren't fashion-conscious, but Jessica interrupts that she and DrewWife will probably just sit around in the hot tub, and Casey keeps trying to talk but gives up. Jessica says she took lessons when she was five, and Casey says, "I've never taken lessons, that's the problem --" and Jessica immediately interrupts, now moving on to her eye makeup, saying, "I lived in Colorado, so --" And then Casey tries interrupting, although doing it by commenting on Jessica, calling Jessica, bizarrely, "Miss Billy Bad-ass." Jessica then says that she hates moguls. "Or mobiles. Whatever they're called." The members of the MTV Marketing Department all lift their heads up interestedly, like a cat hearing a bird chirp outside, but quickly realize there's nothing in that and put their heads back down, wondering what's become of their lives. When Nick answers the phone, Jessica leans in and whispers to Casey, "Nick's horrible." "At skiing?" asks Casey. "No, in bed," says Jessica. No, not really. She says, "Oh my God," meaning, he sucks at skiing.
Casa Vega. Good Mexican joint in the valley. Casey, Jessica, and Nick all eat tortilla chips as Nick talks about a jacket Drew is getting that has a pocket for an iPod and iPod controls built into the sleeve of the jacket. Oh my God, how fucking lazy do you have to be to not be able to reach into your pocket to turn up the volume on your Evanescence? Jessica bitches that Nick is not going to be listening to an iPod, he's going to be tumbling on his ass over and over. Ha. Nick says that he has a newfound sense of clarity (the marriage is off?) and this is the trip when skiing is all going to make sense to him. (Oh.) Jessica gives Casey a quick disbelieving look. Ha.
Morning. Packing. Loading the car. They drive to Drew's house. It's a nice house, but nothing like Nick's. It does have a gate, though! Hey, that's something. Poor Drew, he should have married a pointless stupid singer. Then he could have a screening room, too. They load up the Escalade as the girls babble about not having brought many clothes and then DrewWife laughs that she can't ski, and Jessica says she can't snowboard. "You also can't sing, cook, or do math," DrewWife continues in her head.
Airport. Private plane. Holy shit. It almost makes me want a reality show of my own, knowing that MTV pays for all this crap. DrewWife says she doesn't like to fly as Jessica marvels at how powerful the plane is and how it doesn't need much of a runway to take off.
Mammoth. Beautiful snowy mountains. They step off the plane. The girls immediately get on their cell phones as they get right into their rented SUV waiting for them on the tarmac. Jessica complains that it's as cold as a "mother bear." What a shocker, Jessica. It's cold up in the snow! I don't know why MTV keeps arranging to make everything easy for Jessica. Can you imagine all the awesome whining and complaining we'd get if Jessica had to carry her own bags or drive her own car somewhere or snowshoe across Mammoth to get to her hotel? You're missing out, MTV.
Driving. The girls decide they're going to try snowboarding. Jessica then attempts to talk Nick out of skiing. She doesn't want him to get "frustrated," she says. She goes on that she thinks it may be "dangerous" for him. What does it matter? It's not like he has a career that would be affected by an injury. "Oh no. Nick Lachey broke his leg! His imaginary world tour is going to be cancelled." Commercials.
Condo. Jessica tries on a red ski cap. She says it looks like a mushroom head. I'm sure she's made that observation about something before. Then she says she's "funny about hats," and tries on a tight pink ski cap. She makes ugly helpless faces and says, "Oh my gaw!" Drew smiles a weird smile. DrewWife asks if it's tight and Jessica says, "What do you think?" making the strangest face I've ever seen. It's like Mummenschanz. She kinda looks like Ahnold in Total Recall when his face mask breaks and the atmosphere of Mars starts warping his face. "Oh my gaw!" says Jessica. "Oh your what?" asks Nick. DrewWife says that it's her new thing -- she's not saying "God" anymore. Nick shakes his head. Drew continues his goofy, pleading smile.
Skiing montage. People ski. Snowboard. The gang takes their equipment out of the SUV. The girls refuse to get out of the car, explaining that it's cold. They finally get out, and whine some more. Jessica whines about her feet hurting. DrewWife whines about not being able to put on her gloves. Drew and Nick are either much better men than I am to be able to take this, or much more whipped. Jessica put on her goggles, flutters her lips, says she feels like she's going scuba diving, says the goggles hurt, says she can't get her hair over them, and then finishes with, "I feel completely incompetent." Wow. That was like nine whines in a row without taking a breath. Nine! That has to be about a 6.3 degree of difficulty, and she nailed it. Well done, Simpson. Well done. Jessica throws in a few last-minute mini-whines for good measure, but she already stuck her landing so now she's just showing off. They meet their Aussie instructor who gives them a quick lesson; then they get on the chair lift. Jessica says "gaw" and then helpfully points out once again that it indeed is cold.
DrewWife slides down the mountain sideways on her board. Aussie gets saucy, grabbing Jessica's hips, trying to lead her down. Jessica falls. Jessica falls. Jessica falls. Jessica falls. The boys are not bad. Nick says, "Good job, baby!" to Jessica, and she immediately falls flat on her face. "Don't talk to me," she says. "You threw me off." Jessica threw off Nick's singing career, but he doesn't complain. Actually, I think the fact that Nick makes shitty music threw off his singing career. "Ugh, I can't go! I can't even move," whines Jessica. "My ass is numb," she says. She and DrewWife head back inside as the boys continue to board. Jessica complains about her fingers and then DrewWife says, "I think I may be miserable." I assume she's talking about having to hang out with Jessica. Now seriously, I don't care if you're a "girl" or from the "South" or you "suck" or any other excuse you may use -- who has the right to agree to do an event, to go on a supposedly "fun" outing with others, and then just fucking bitch and complain about it the whole time? The answer: no one. You don't have that right. So whiner/complainers out there, if you're going bowling or swimming or to a movie or out to dinner and it's sucking and you hate it, try to fucking enjoy it anyway. If that doesn't work and you still have a miserable time, keep your mouth shut. Enjoy the pleasure of being with your friends, and shut your gaw-damned mouth. And if that doesn't work: leave! Don't run off and guilt your friends into chasing you either to make sure you're okay. Just say, "You guys have fun, I'll watch you from over here. I'm totally okay, I'll see you when you're done," and leave. Go inside. Go hang out in the lobby or have a drink at the bar or wait in the car and listen to the radio. But leave. Stop ruining the world for the world. Thank you.
Meanwhile, inside, Jessica and Leah bitch about falling, and Jessica whines about everything hurting. Then suddenly a group of children all leashed together by their hands come around the corner. Instantly, the girls' insides start fluttering and they start cooing at the children. Then the funniest thing I've ever seen happens on camera: one of the tied-up children, a little boy, falls. But like a dog sled unit or the chain gang trying to escape in Cold Mountain, the group keeps going. So the kid falls, then gets pulled, then rolls over onto his back and lays still. He's all bundled up and he just gives up. The other kids were so mesmerized by Jessica and the cameras that they just kept going. Hee. So fucking great. I love watching children fall down. Leah tells the boy, "You're okay!" as Jessica just admires some little girls' boots. Ha. Jessica then says that the kids are going to do better than they did. Yes, in life. The boys come meet them, and Jessica says they only want to go down one more time. I'm sure Jessica rarely likes to go down.
Now it's snowing harder, and Jessica yells over and over that the snow hurts. They ride the ski lift. "I can't even see," says Jessica. "Oh my gaw!" Everyone yells at her to stop saying that. Hee. Commercials.
Condo. Night. Nick wears a robe and a ski hat. Drew wears shorts and a ski hat. They sit in front of the TV scratching themselves all over. And that's a whole segment! Hot tub. Drew wonders how many people have had sex in this hot tub. God, how often does Drew have to suggest a foursome. It's not going to happen, Drew. Give it up already. Nick hopes it wasn't the two guys who were using the hot tub about an hour ago. Then Nick dips his head under the water and everyone gets grossed out. Nick smiles.
They're all watching TV and a condom commercial comes on, bragging that their product is for her pleasure. Jessica wonders what that is. Someone says it's a French tickler and someone suggests that it's ribbed. DrewWife has to explain to Jessica that there are different types of condoms. Oh my gaw, I bet Jessica has never seen a condom. Wow, that's a sheltered life. Grand Central Station isn't as sheltered as she is. Jessica then says she's heard of the "thing for masturbation" French tickler, but never on a condom. People look at her. She says she's never used one. Then she asks if there's a particular way to put on condom on. Yeah, over your cock.
Day. Jessica camera-talks that she snowboarded "for Nick" yesterday, and today she's going to ski and he's going to try skiing as well. He says he's only done it once before and hated it. "Well, I'll help you," says Jessica. As Jessica struggles to get her boots on, Nick surfs the web. "This Television Without Pity thing -- I don't get it." Jessica is dressed in a bright orange snow suit -- she looks like Hannibal Lecter.
They all set out for the slopes. DrewWife is snowboarding -- why can't Nick, since he likes it more? No. Jessica needs to him to try something he hates. Jessica tells him not to cross his skis, but other than that, she has no suggestions for him. She goes a little and turns, without offering any explanation on how to do that. "Come down" is all she can say. Wow, thanks for "helping." She tells him to keep his skis together. "Not like that," she says, when he demonstrates the proper snowplow stopping technique for a beginner. "Turn, turn, turn, turn," she says. As she tells him to pick up his inside foot, for some reason, Nick falls. He's going about two miles an hour, but maybe he twists his knee a little or something, because he immediately throws his ski pole into the ground -- which bounces up and hits him in the head! -- and start swearing and making ungodly grunting noises. He rips off his gloves and skis and stands up. "You're already done?" she asks. He walks back to the condo, saying, "I have no fucking desire whatsoever to do this." Jessica is left alone. Ha.
Jessica joins the others and tells them what happened, all making fun of Nick. Like a good wife, she says, without sympathy, that he threw the pole and it hit him in the head. Well, it was kinda funny. She's all pissed, rather than feeling bad for him. They laugh and go on to ski some more. Meanwhile, Nick arrives at the condo, only to remember he doesn't have a key. Ha. Hee. Ha.
Nick calls Jessica. Jessica, on the lift, hears her phone ringing, but she chooses to ignore it. Skiing. Skiing. Nick waiting. Jessica skiing. Nick waiting. Jessica skiing. They come back to the condo. Drew lies that they were just coming to get him. "How'd it go?" asks Nick. Jessica says, "Fine." Then she stops and looks at him. "Didn't fall once." She pauses the perfect moment, then walks on. Goddamn. The girl either has really great comic timing occasionally, or she's just such a bitch that making Nick feel bad comes naturally to her.
Condo. Nick stands in front of Jessica, trying to explain that this is a bad place to learn and there's nothing to do but crash. "And that sucks," he says. Jessica says, "I know. But you could have handled it better." What? What!? Jessica is bitching because Nick didn't handle something with confidence and élan? Jessica can crawl on her hands and knees in a hallway sick and eat lunch on the bathroom floor and whine about everything and cry when her hair guy is stuck in Vegas, but Nick can't throw a tantrum and leave when he falls down while skiing? You got to divorce her, man. Well, actually, just wait to see if her album does well, then divorce her. It's California, baby. You'll get half. Then you and Drew can live happily ever after together. Nick gets down on his hands and knees in front of the cold and mad Jessica and makes a sad face, and Jessica remains totally unmoved and just makes a tiny sound and Nick buries his face in her chest and she sorta limply puts her arm around him but just stares straight ahead, hating her husband for being a baby. She can't take men being anything but men. The only way she knows how to conduct herself is where she gets to be the baby and the man in her life (Daddy, Nick) tells her what do to. It's how she learned. And any deviation from that freaks her out. She goes cold. It turns her off. That's what you married, Nick. Congratulations.
Night. Condo. Nick reads my recap as Jessica tries to cook chicken breasts that are too thick. DrewWife suggests she get a mallet and pound it. "I've never pounded it," says Jessica. "Heh heh," says Stee. Jessica washes the chicken, narrating every part of the process. She starts cutting the chicken down to make it smaller, then drops it into the sink. Drew takes over. Nick says he had a dream last night that he coughed and a spider crawled out of his mouth. "Gaw!" says Jessica. They all ask her to stop.
After dinner. TV. Jessica is tired. She leans on Nick, trying to pull his head. "Be nice," he says. She says she was trying to pull his head so he could kiss her. "You're giving resistance," she complains, trying to move his head again. "Leave me alone, woman," he says. Watching a commercials, Jessica say, "Oh, gaw." "That's it!" says Nick, getting up. "Is it really that bad?" asks Jessica. Yes. It is really that bad. All of it.
Day. Packing. Leaving. Back to L.A. Private plane. Jessica says she doesn't like taking off. She asks the pilot to make sure he gets the plane over that mountain. Arriving in L.A. Jessica says it's better than driving six hours. Drew still thinks they should have driven. "Oh my gaw!" says Jessica. They all yell at her. Hee.
time on. Jessica makes Valentine's Day plans. She's doing a cute, romantic table setting with flowers and candles. They unpack her car. She says she loves the smell of candles. She sniffs. "Oh, it's unscented." A chef arrives to make the meal. Jessica annoys him with questions. Join the club, sir. And that's it! See ya.