D&D and some girl eat take-out burgers and fries. But they're cold and no one likes them. Jessica, eating with her mouth open, ups the gross ante by slumping down onto the couch and whining, "I have a hard booger in my nose and I think it's going to make it bleed." Jessica laughs and food falls out of her mouth. The girl asks, "Is that your booger?" Jessica laughs and laughs. Glad I didn't eat anything yet today.
Credits. Wedding. Creepy Pa Simpson having to bite his tongue. Ass-grabbing. Bad cooking. Face-touching. Fake singing. This I Swear.
Night. Town Car. Jessica leans her head on Nick's shoulder. "Ow. I have a bloody booger. It hurts." Nick tells her no one wants to hear about her bloody booger. The driver looks like DMX. "Bloody Booger? What! Whoo! Ugggh." Nick has the weary look of a man who married a girl for her looks, not knowing that as part of the bargain he was getting a constant monologue about poo and boogers. Jessica then whines that she has to go to New York, and twists the knife that is her relative success versus Nick's by asking what he has to do tomorrow. He gamely responds that he has to pick his ass, talk about picking his ass in a Star Magazine interview, and then come home and pick his ass some more. (Jessica is planning on doing her ass-picking on the plane.) Jessica laughs. Nick weeps inside. (Who does an interview with Star Magazine? They were just on the cover of EW. Homeboy needs a new publicist.) Jessica twists it further by asking, "That's all you have to do?"
Jessica leaves, telling Nick that she'll be back in time for his birthday. Unlike most married men, Nick actually kind of looks sad that his wife is leaving. Poor Nick. At least with her gone, he can pull out the old 98 Degree concert tapes and cry without fear of judgment.
New York. Montage thereof. Jessica, all dolled up, heads to Z100, which she explains is the Number One radio station in the country. It's safe to say "quality" is not the standard by which she's calling them Number One. She heads into a room with what seems like 40 DJ's around a table, all with mics. The head DJ looks like Wilford Brimley. Like, he's old old. Like Ed Asner in Elf old. The aggressively-chatty DJs ask about D & D's marriage, and Jessica makes a "Nick is old" joke and everyone laughs and she leaves, New York radio being forever changed. Now she goes into the programming room and meets the four or five people who are wholly responsible for American pop music sucking so terribly. They say that they have one more slot for a song and they have to choose between a new Madonna and a new Justin and a new Enrique. Jessica makes little jokes about each: "Old, gay, face cancer." (Oh no, those are my jokes about each.) The dude puts Jessica's song on the radio and fake-asks his crew if this should be the one. And they decide to add Jessica's song to the rotation. Jessica is very happy and hugs "Tom." Tom is like, "In the '80s, boy, I would have gotten two grams of coke from your manager and a blow-job from you for adding your single. God, how times have changed for the worse." Jessica camera-talks that it's her second single off the album and the station is the biggest and blah blah blah payola-cakes.
Meanwhile, at the house, Nick voice-overs that he has nothing but the interview today so what does he want to do. Then there's a long faked shot of Nick and Drew standing in the garage staring at nothing, while some Chuck Mangione song plays. Boo, Mole People. (But yay, Mangione!)
New York. Radio station. Jessica hangs out signing headshots and then some guys' cast. Then in a taxi, Jessica camera-talks that she's going to Dallas to her old high school to sing. She lies, saying that they'd never let her sing because all the other mothers said her voice made their daughters sound bad. And she says this with a straight face. Man, give the girl a single on Z100 and suddenly she's the Queen of Sheba.
Meanwhile, in the Kingdom of He-ba, Nick and Drew stand around the garage some more. More Mangione. Nick yawns, then sweeps. They do some more standing by the pool table.
Dallas. Cows. Driving. The skyline. Hotel Zaza. They do shtick with a fake owl out on the balcony. Jessica and Creepy Pa Simpson, with his legs crossed ever so daintily, sit taking separate phone calls. Creepy Pa Simpson looks like Aaron and Nick Carter's gay older brother. Jessica talks about how she's been planning Nick's (Lachey, not Carter) thirtieth birthday party and it's hard because she's on the road. She says that Nick doesn't want to turn thirty. She's on the phone with him -- he says he doesn't want her spending a lot of money or making it a big deal. Nick has to make a list of people he wants to invite. Also, and I might have this wrong, any sports people he wants to invite as well. He gets to invite random sports figures? Jessica asks what the word for that is. "Athletes," she giggles.
Chez Lachey. Drew and Nick stand in front of the skipping CD player. They have a staring contest, no one saying anything. Staged or not, they've now pushed it, Letterman-style, to the point where it's funny.
St. Thomas Aquinas Catholic School. It puts the "ass" in "Aquinas." Ah, Jessica was a Catholic schoolgirl. That explains it. And also: Jessica was a Catholic schoolgirl. Jessica walks through the halls, students following her and then crowding around her, nearly ripping her to shreds, which would have been a really funny end to Jessica Simpson.
Mall. Jessica rides down the elevator. People wait, screaming. "Holy crap," says Jessica. She signs autographs. She does some shopping and then is stopped and forced to take photos with "fans." She walks away, telling her friend that the girls were saying something about the boys having "boners." She laughs about the word "boner." It is kind of a funny word. You know what's a really fantastic word, though? "Commercials."
Man, I can't wait for the show Newly-Divorced.
"Hey, guys. Let's make a movie about stealing the SATs! Kids love the SATs and stealing. And we'll put a stoned-out Asian dude in it, and that creepy Scientologist Swimfan girl! Hey, guys? Where are you going?"
Texas. School. Jessica chats with some schoolgirls. They pretend to be sad when they learn that Nick is in L.A. She tells some old teacher or something that Nick is mad because she hasn't had time to call him. Hee. The teacher says that he has to understand that Jessica is a star. Ha! He sure does. Auditorium. Jessica warms up backstage, then forms a prayer circle with her Dad and dancers and musicians. "Anoint the whole concert crowd and lives [sic] are touched out there and that we can just have a good show and kick butt. Amen." If God actually takes the time out to anoint a Jessica Simpson show at her old high school, I officially give up on him. Jessica goes out onstage. She says she's going to cry. So are we.
Awkward Star magazine lunch interview. Drew is there, because he has even less to do than Nick. Sleazy Interviewer asks if Nick's proud that his wife is a fantasy object. He says he is. Sleazy Interviewer then asks about the build-up to the wedding night and he'd never seen her naked and it must have been great. The guy is really disgusting. Nick says he's not going to talk about that, not looking at the interviewer. Sleazy Interviewer laughs. He says Nick has talked about it before, and Nick says he should just get it from there, then. Nick goes on to ask whose business is it? Sleazy Interviewer responds that it's the business of the readers of Star Magazine. "The prestigious Star," counters Nick. Hee. God, even Star should have higher journalistic standards than to hire this asshole.
Night. House. Nick drives Jessica back from the airport and voice-overs about how the interview sucked and he made Nick pay for lunch. Oooh, that's fucking low. I would have refused. Jessica voice-overs that he's had a shitty week and is bummed about turning thirty and that's why she wants to take his mind off of it with the party.
Day. Jessica talks about how she flew a bunch of Nick's friends in for his party tonight. Friends eat pizza and watch a movie in the screening room. Fuck. Nice screening room. Jessica and her friends arrive. One of Nick's friends hangs with the girls in the kitchen. You know that guy who is always hanging with the girls. Yeah, you do. He picks up a check and says he thinks it's really funny that Nick's grandmother is still sending him a check for $35 every birthday. Goddamn, that really is funny. What's not funny is that in a few years he's probably going to need those checks. They babble about the party and how hard it was to plan and how it's going to be good. Jessica says that Nick's cake is a Miller Light bottle (classy!) and then Nick comes in, making noise so they know to stop talking about the party. Jessica then says that the first thing she's going to do is "poop." Nick asks "Why?" Jessica says, "Because I have to." Nick asks why she has to tell everyone, and she says she tells everyone everything and then asks why Nick married her, then. Nick is wondering that himself. CUT TO: A shot of the book Everybody Poops. Eh.
Doorbell rings. Drew comes in with a twelve-pack of Miller Light and a gift. Nick opens it. It's a display case for one of Nick's baseballs. Drew says, "Open it, you douche." Nick wonders if there is already a baseball in there. Drew: "I'm cheap, but I'm not that cheap." Ha. It's a Joe Morgan baseball. Whee.
The Mole People get one right when they juxtapose Nick camera-talking that he thinks turning thirty is harder than forty will be because at thirty there's no more room for "immaturity," with Nick standing over Jessica and putting her head inside his shorts. "Get your sweaty balls off my head," says Jessica. You know she says that very sentence three, four times a day.
Jessica shows the girls and Creepy Pa Simpson the gift she has specially made for Nick. We don't get to see it, though -- we just see everyone looking downwards. They all "ooh" and "ahh." The girls love it. One girl thinks Nick is going to cry. Another thinks there are too many diamonds. Oh my god, she got her pussy jeweled! Commercials.
House. Night. Everyone gets ready for the party. Nick is in the hot tub with his boys. Jessica and her friends head to the party.
Montage of L.A.
Nick and the boys are all dressed, sitting around drinking. Nick wonders what surprise Jessica could have for him at 40 Deuce, a burlesque club in Hollywood. A friend says that shit is going to happen tonight that he couldn't even dream of. "I'm going to have another hit record!?" Nick thinks, optimistically.
Hotel. The girls get ready. Jessica displays a corset to her hairdresser. Hairdresser asks if her boobs are going to fit in that thing. She says that her boobs are "up here," pointing.
Boys driving. Nick is still wondering what's happening. The bodyguard-looking dude is drinking a beer in the car. Illegal. Nick is a little worried about what's going to happen. "I'm not going to like it that much, am I?" They insist he will. Nick looks out the window, dreaming of stripper blow-jobs.
40 Deuce. Nick greets friends. It looks like they have the whole place rented out special. Wow. Jessica is wearing a yellow dress with her tits out, sipping a drink. Nick is all nervous, asking why Jessica is giving him a crazy look. She goes inside. Nick greets people inside. Montage of Party. Dancing. He spanks Jessica. They bring out the giant Miller Light cake. It's pretty cool, actually. I would like a giant Guinness cake; same thing, only twenty times classier. Jessica gets on the mic and announces that Nick is going to get a keg of Miller Light delivered every month to his pool room. People cheer. Bartenders roll their eyes.
Music plays. Drinking. Dancing. Dancing. Dancing. Drinking. Dancing. Jessica knocks over a drink. "Oh no! I made a stain!" she yells. Again, a sentence she probably says daily.
The little jazzy band starts playing onstage and the burlesque dancer goes, swinging and shaking. It's the same girl I saw there over a year ago when my friend had his thirtieth there (although he did not rent it out). She's very, very good. Very. This night Matthew Perry and Hank Azaria were there and AB and Matthew Perry hit it off. (Don't worry, Vince. Nothing happened.) And instead of going home with Jessica Simpson, my friend got really drunk, his girlfriend left him there, and on Matthew Perry's suggestion, we had to carry him out and take him home. When Matthew Perry is telling you you've had too much: you got a problem. The dancer finishes out on the bar with splits and a back roll.
Then a cake is brought out onstage and some more dancers gather around in garters. The band plays…and Jessica pops out of the cake wearing the corset and singing "Happy Birthday." I'm pretty sure she's totally off the band's beat, but she soldiers on. Nick claps and cheers. Jessica rubs tits with some of the other girls, who also dance. It should be said that Creepy Pa Simpson is watching as well, as she jumps off the stage into Nick's arms. Jealous.
They have a conservation about how tightly her tits are wedged into the corset and how he doesn't want her to hurt them. Then it's present time, and he opens the big box to reveal a gigantic diamond-encrusted ugly-ass watch. He does not cry. He replaces his smaller, still-ugly diamond watch with this new, much uglier diamond watch. Outside people hug. Nick and Jessica kiss for a still camera; he sticks his tongue down her throat and she squeals.
SUV. Leaving. They talk about the watch. He lies that he loves it. He asks how much it cost. Long beat. "Fifty-five thousand dollars," she says. The SUV squeals. Holy shit, that's…wow. He's upset. She makes a scared face, saying that it's his birthday and all. She then decides it's the right time to add that she also bought a couple pairs of shoes for herself on the side.
time on… Nick walks past the pool, wondering what's going on; he says they have dead mice in the pool and dead birds on the ground. Holy shit! The core of the Earth has stopped spinning! Call Aaron Eckhart! Jessica buys $1,400 sheets. "Jessica Simpson," scolds Nick. Nick gets the DVD of Scarface. "What's Scarface?" she asks, wondering if his face is scarred. Nick does some Scarface quotes. Nick rents a forklift to hoist a videogame up to the second floor of the house, but he doesn't know how to use it. Ah, normal, everyday problems. Until time, y'all!