Nick and Jessica sit on their couch talking about the first year and how it was "really, really good" with lessons learned and lots of "cool experiences" they shared together, but, he adds, not enough sex. She juts out her jaw and bares her uppers and says that he's so deprived and asks why he always says that. After the mini-spat, he finishes his thought and adds that they're going to enjoy their anniversary weekend. "And work on having more sex," Jessica adds, not meaning it one bit. I think Nick's reasons for saying that they don't have enough sex are twofold. One: Jessica Simpson is a very sexy woman and it must be lots of fun to have sex with her. Two: sex is probably the only time she's not farting, burping, asking inane questions about the world like a two-year-old, or forgetting where she put something. On second thought, she probably does all of those things during sex, too. I guess it must just be because she's hot, then.
Credits. Theme. Shots of their wedding. The kiss. Nick carries Jessica by her ass across the threshold. They fight. He "records" a song. Rubs her face. She records. He sings. Their house. "This I swear." And end.
House. Night. Photo of Dumb and Dumberer. D&D sit on the couch. It seems that Jessica's dad has scheduled her to perform in Atlantic City on her wedding anniversary. Nick is upset and says "Bullshit" when Jessica tries to say that Daddy doesn't know when their anniversary is. Jessica says he's too busy on the phone every day "booking stuff." What's he got to book? No one's booking anything. Jessica wears a Tom Petty shirt. I'm pretty sure Jessica has no idea who Tom Petty is. "Um, he's a race car driver, right?" Jessica hits a 5.5. on the Pout Scale, and Nick backs off and says that wherever they are, at least they'll be together. The man doesn't believe that for a second. She reaches a 7.3 as she says that she wanted to go "somewhere." He suddenly gets a job for the Atlantic City tourism board, lying that he thinks AC is even better than Vegas. Ha. That's not even true in Bizarro World.
Montage of Atlantic City. Here's what MTV chooses for their Comedic Montage Of Crap Locales And Scary People Showing That Atlantic City Is Not A Nice Place As Nick Just Said: lots of black people. I'm not making this up, I'm just reporting. Black kids walking. A black man in a wheelchair. A big fat black man walking with a yellow shopping bag. Black folks walking on the pier. And then a pawn shop. Well, congratulations, MTV. This show has now insulted more segments of the population than just Stupid People.
Trump Hotel. Nick and Jessica enter a gigantic but incredibly chintzy suite. Lion statues and a mural of Roman gladiators and purple dining rooms. On a large marble platform is a huge sunken tub. They do schtick with an ugly statue. Jessica sadly notes that he no longer has "the wiener." One can imagine Jessica Simpson's dirty bed talk consists of lots of words like "wiener." Nick sits down and plays a chord on the piano and sings, "You're my pet, you're my lover. I place no one above you, babe." Jessica watches, moony. Well, that seems to sum up Nick's views on marriage very nicely. The woman is the pet and sex object. And the man is hyper-proudly loyal and feels the need to constantly point out his sainthood. Bravo.
Oh, they're at the Taj Mahal. Trump himself stands on stage in front of nearly a hundred fans, and introduces Jessica. Then she's on stage, telling the crowd that tomorrow is her anniversary. She says something about how they say the first year is the hardest, but that to her that wasn't hard, and surely something harder has to come along. Oh, now, why would you court trouble like that? "Wow, my life is so easy. It has to get worse, right?" Very bright, lady. Now, duck. She says that she's going to sing "Sweetest Sin," about a year of making love with Nick. "Why not?" she giggles. The now seventy teen girls in attendance squeal. "I love you Nick!" Jessica yells after singing.
Beach montage. Day. Nick and Jessica eat breakfast under the gladiator mural. She wonders what they're doing today, and he says that the hotel is having a "big" Oktoberfest celebration downstairs. She asks what Oktoberfest is celebrating: "October?" Nick patiently says that that's a pretty good guess. Pa Simpson and their agents and MTV immediately begin pulling market research focus groups together to see if Jessica's ignorance of Oktoberfest could be the new "Chicken of the Sea." They do that about fifteen times per episode, I'm sure. Nick says it's an excuse to drink beer and eat bratwurst. Jessica asks what a bratwurst is. Market research groups quickly switch rooms. She asks if it's "pig," testing to see if she can score gold again in the meat-ignorance realm, but alas, lightning does not strike twice and they move on. Nick says that they play polka and people dance and drink beer. "Like on Titanic?" she asks. "This conversation is over," he says. Jessica then toasts to a fabulous year of marriage, and he asks if she's being sarcastic. He pulls an eyelash from her face, and she starts to blow to make a wish. My girlfriend insisted that she'd never heard of the eyelash thing before me, and that it wasn't well known. Ha! If Jessica Simpson knows something, it can't be that obscure. Jessica blows (hee) and blows, but can't get it. Nick has her blow away from his face -- probably because of her morning breath. She finally gets it. "Gosh," she says. Riveting television, people.
But seriously, how is this even television? Remember scripts and, like, stories? Ever miss those?
Jessica asks what Nick wants to do, and he says he wants to get showered and changed and go downstairs. She doesn't want to drink, and wonders if they should gamble first. Nick can, since no one is asking him to do any shows. He could drink about 325 days of the year, if he wanted, for all his "gigs." He calls downstairs to ask what time the Oktoberfest starts, and as he repeats, "Twelve o'clock?," Jessica mutters to herself that it's a little early for a party, and that she just ate breakfast.
Jessica camera-talks about how gifts for the first year of marriage are supposed to be papers, but that they already decided that they'll buy a wood bed. Paper is made from wood, she says. ("Maybe?" asks the focus group. "No? Okay, just checking.")
Nick and Jessica start to leave. Jessica has big boobs. That's what my recap has come down to. Well, she does. Nick asks if she has her ATM card, and she wonders if she should go get it. Jessica cruelly says, "I have more money than you," as she walks away, smiling. She tells him she's kidding, before he starts to cry. Shots of Donald Trump water bottles.
Downstairs. Jessica says that this doesn't look like Vegas at all: "Everybody's so old here." Shots of old people. Commercials.
I don't know what I'm doing sitting here recapping, when I could be out seeing Torque.
Back. Gaming floor. Montage of gambling. Nick learns craps. Jessica says she doesn't understand the game even halfway, but then camera-talks that she likes craps because "you don't really have to think." That's sort of her mantra, isn't it? For comedy, they keep cutting to shots of a pit boss who looks like Teller of Penn &. Jessica takes her shoes off. She complains that her feet hurts, and that they need chairs at the craps table. "We're not doing very well," she says. Jessica says that it's only fun when you play with a lot of money. She says that October carnival thing sounded good. She wants to leave. God, I don't understand the mentality of Nick. The most annoying thing when you're gambling is someone on your arm complaining, yes? So why doesn't he say, "I'll meet you somewhere." Because: he wants her there. He has to have his woman with him, but she's also incredibly annoying. I don't understand. Yup, gotta be the sex. Jessica yawns. Nick has lost all his money. He says that at least they learned how to play. She says she still has no idea how to play. Shot of slot machine "Winning For Dummies." They go upstairs as Nick pointlessly tries to explain craps to Jessica. Like screaming into a hurricane, man.
Nick and Jessica arrive at the Oktoberfest. "It's all old people," Jessica says, horrified. It really does look awful. A blue-carpeted room with polka and shitty food and a few old people dancing and cooler-kegs of beer and shitty vendors selling shitty jewelry. Jessica is really astounded at how old everyone is. He says he has to go get some money, and she says, "Well, don't leave me in here!" They walk down the hall, hands on each others' asses. Real classy, y'all. "Apparently, Oktoberfest is not a young thing to do," Nick says. "Oh, really?" Jessica asks, like he's quoting some rule. No, it was just an observa- Never mind. A man on a Lark electric scooter at the ATM tells them to go ahead. He mumbles that he doesn't know what account he's supposed to be using. Jessica observes that he was tying to use his Sears card. Nick, being a nice guy, says, "Man, you are connected. You got a card for everything," looking at his wallet. Jessica marvels again that he was trying to use his Sears card. As they leave, she informs him that he can't use his Sears card in an ATM. But the guy's had it with these two. D&D head back upstairs.
Jessica and Nick stand eating food and drinking beer, watching people dance. Jessica says she'll need a few more beers before she'll polka. Pointless banter about Nick's German heritage, and he demonstrates bad yodeling. "I was in The Sound of Music, baby. I can do it all," he says. Nick tries on a hat. Jessica makes a Twilight Zone reference. They watch a little parade come by. Jessica visibly flinches with every cymbal beat. "Those are the worst outfits I've ever seen in my life," she says. Lord, she's something else. "So what. Like, just, old people gather around and sell things?" she asks. Nick tries to explain, but gives up. Jessica says that the food looks disgusting. Well, it actually does. Nick tries to get a brat with a bun, but they have no buns. Hee. Nick loves buns. Jessica displays some hoop earrings she bought. Some old ladies join their table. "Are you having fun?" asks Jessica. The sour old woman says no, and that they lost one of their members. "I love your rings," Jessica says. The woman doesn't respond. "She can't hear me," says Jessica. So polite, that one. Nick is a gentleman, and he talks to an old woman about how her grandson is a ballroom dancer. Nick talks some more with the ladies until Jessica says, "We're leaving now." Nick then says to Jessica, "Hey. When we get to be old. We gotta find something better to do with our time." Ha. That's funny. They are led to a back elevator. "Wow! Happy Anniversary," says Jessica, laughing. She adds that she still managed to spend two hundred dollars. "That's never been a problem with you," Nick says. Commercials.
Car. Nick says they're going to Manhattan to try to salvage a little bit of romance for their anniversary. Jessica says that Oktoberfest doesn't really do that for you -- unless you're celebrating your fiftieth, Nick adds. They might go back in fifty years.
New York. Hotel. They check in. Pa Simpson is there, calling his daughter "Baby," right in front of Nick. Ew. He is super-pervy. They have some conversation about whose name the reservation is under. The GM called Nick "Mr. Lackey," so Jessica starts calling him that as they head up the elevator.
Upstairs. Nick has Jessica close her eyes, and they enter to find that he's arranged to have rose petals strewn about. I would think it would be messy and annoying, but Jessica likes it. They hug and giggle about how their anniversary, like their life, has been a little bizarre. Champagne. They make a terrible toast.
Outside. Jessica and Nick get into a horse and buggy. "Now this is the fairy tale, right here." She quickly ruins it by asking if the horse is okay, and then saying that she imagines the wheels make it go faster. Hee. "Instead of dragging it through the street? Yeah, wheels do help," he says. God. Can you imagine living with someone who just couldn't participate in most conversations? No matter how hot they are, it would get pretty lonely pretty fast. Jessica asks if the horse knows to stop at red lights. Nick starts trying to explain reins and bridles, and she says that she didn't think about it. That, I believe. Nick says that he's going to break something like that out later tonight. "Whoa," she says, unenthusiastic. She asks where they're going, as they turn up into Central Park and he says that he has a little picnic set up in the park. "PB & J and Miller Lite," Nick says. "Just like Daddy used to make," Jessica thinks.
Jessica and Nick arrive at Tavern on the Green. "It's so cute here," she says. Yes, Tavern is cute. Inside, they sit. He puts her napkin in her boobs. She doesn't want him to mess up her cleavage. "Impossible," he says. She notices that the top tier of their cake is waiting for them behind them. "You get points for that," she says. They drink Cristal, and she remarks that his champagne flute has a curve to it. He asks if it reminds her of something else. She tells him not to be nasty -- and not to tell everyone that he "leans." Ew. Gross. They're talking about his cock. They eat. We get a giant montage of eating and "mmmm"-ing and "so good"-ing. Jessica considers spitting out the last bite of food. They eat the cake. They're full. She can't toast, she's too full. "You looking at my boobs?" she asks. He says that they're looking at him, so what is he supposed to do? They toast. Zzzzzzzzzz. Jessica then asks Nick what song they were dancing to this time last year. He doesn't remember their first dance song. She says she's going out freak out. He can't think. They leave, talking once again about her boobs.
Hotel elevator. Nick and Jessica kiss, comically. She says she could feel his teeth. He says they're not his teeth, and she says, "Oh, I forgot. Your ventures." He laughs as she says, "I mean, dentures." The focus groups rush back from their lunch break. Jessica tries to explain that she got "dentures" and "veneers" mixed up, as they head into their room and shut the door.
time on... Nick says that today is his thirtieth birthday. Jessica explains that she's been very sneaky getting ready for it. Nick overhears her talking to a friend about plans. She shows someone off-screen who sounds like Pa Simpson some lingerie, and he asks if her boobs are going to fit into it. Pervy. Someone tells a freaked-out-looking Nick that there is going to be shit happening tonight that he is not expecting. The mantra running through Nick's head: "Three-way. Three-way. Three-way. Please let it be a three-way." Then they're watching a burlesque show. Someone is about to jump out of a cake. Who could it be now? Someone takes a photo of D&D kissing. He sticks his tongue in her mouth and she squeals. And that's it! Wow. Makes you miss The Osbournes, doesn't it? See ya!