Episode Report Card Potes: A+ | 5 USERS: A YOU GRADE IT Love in an Elevator
By Potes | Season 1 | Episode 12 | Aired on 02.06.2013
has all these dancers, why have we never seen them before?Juliette sings the most perfectly bad song that you could imagine, which I'm guessing is called, "I'm a Girl." It contains the amazing couplets, "I'm a girl, oh yeah / I can get a free drink for flipping my hair," and, "I'm a girl, I got skills / I can dance all night in five inch heels." Kudos to the writers of this perfect specimen for capturing the zeitgeist of stupidity represented by pre-Deaconized Juliette. And if you think it's too exaggeratedly dumb, remember that "We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together" is a thing that exists, and that we all have sung along to at one point or another.
Speaking of Deacon, he looks like he's landed in Oz as he plays a guitar solo with a gyrating dancer in front of him. I'm guessing this has never happened at The Bluebird. Oh my God, and then the bridge of the song: "I'm a shoe sale shopping, chick flick watching, Jesus loving, Oprah hugging, strong and independent, don't forget intelligent, I like my men real tall... well, I kinda like them all." Nobel Prizes to everyone who had a hand in writing this masterpiece! Juliette seems to be enjoying herself just fine until Deacon gives her a, "WTF?" look. Apparently he doesn't appreciate Oprah hugging, or the benefit of traipsing around on stage like a skank who bathes in glitter.
After her performance, Juliette actually complains about not being able to scrub her glitter off (it's a metaphor!) while Glenn congratulates her on a great show. Juliette yells that it was an act and that there's nothing artistic about wind machines and smoke. But the fans love it, and Glenn says it's perfectly on her brand. Juliette is sick of the "idiotic tart" brand, though, and would rather slap on a beret and pencil-thin moustache to brand herself as "moody artiste." Glenn notes that fans are fickle, and with one wrong step she could be Rayna Jaymes pre-"Wrong Song." Juliette wonders if she can't ever change and the answer basically is, "Not if you want to still be a multi-million dollar industry!" Maybe her next song should be called, "I'm a Multi-Million Dollar Industry." Harder to rhyme than, "girl," but more accurate!
Backstage, Rayna hugs her new fabulous lead guitar player... who is also a lovely lady! Her name is Adria, and once she leaves Bucky notes that she has a different "energy" than Rayna's previous bandleaders. But Rayna likes the lady energy and thinks Adria is amazing and perfect and just what she needs. E.g., she probably won't come close to boning her, though I think we can all agree that that would be really hot. There's just one thing Adria isn't doing, which is a little riff in front of "Already Gone." Rayna grabs Deacon, who is standing nearby, to ask if he can talk to her about it. Deacon agrees and starts to walk away, but Rayna draws him back with an awkward, "So what's going on?" E.g., what the heck is he doing on tour with them? Deacon says he plays guitar for people who pay him money, so that's what he's doing. Rayna admits that it's all a little bit awkward, and Deacon Deacons that he'll try to stay out of her way. In case you were wondering, "Deacons" is a verb that means, "Acts moody and kind of like a giant jerk while still managing to throw off an insane amount of brooding sexual energy and make you fall in love just a little bit more whilst simultaneously becoming increasingly frustrated." I know he's apparently a great guitar player, but Deaconing really is his special skill.
Back in Nashville, Bleatwood Crack is playing for a half-empty room. None of the patrons who are actually in the audience seem to be impressed by Scarlett's whack overly huge lip-syncing, for once. Even her feral faces when getting really into the song have little impact on anyone's level of attention. It must be difficult for her, given that she's so accustomed to everyone loving every mediocre (and sometimes horrible!) thing that she does. Gunnar's roommates come in at the end of the song with a blowhorn. At least they maybe had to pay a cover? After the show, JT gathers their haul for the evening. They've made $144... total. That's $24 each. So, unless Scarlett's rent is $30 a month, this is not much help to her.
In Chicago, Rayna meets up with Watty White! Hey, old friend! He's spent the last ten episodes driving to Chicago, apparently, and listening to Johnny and June and Hank and Emmylou on the radio. Watty is coming to the show tonight, and Rayna's curious to know what he thinks. She also notes that Marshall is reluctantly giving her her own label with the caveat that she has to bring him a few acts to break. Watty thinks it's a good move for Rayna, and she asks about the kids that he saw at the Bluebird way back in episode one. She's shocked to learn that he was actually talking about Scarlett, who is of course Deacon's niece. Given how crazy things are with her and Deacon right now, she doesn't think she can sign Scarlett and Gunnar. But if she doesn't, says Watty, someone else will. And then maybe Scarlett will make enough to pay her rent, since a full-time job and a publishing deal aren't doing it for her.
And then we're in downtown Nashville with Teddy, who's buying a cup of coffee. Peggy emerges out of a store, looking like the true dingbat she is in a white beret with side ponytail, and carrying three huge shopping bags. I'm sure she was just skulking in a doorway and waiting for him to walk by because she is a giant fucking stalker. I hope Maddie and Daphne don't have a bunny. Peggy is all, "Oh, the mayor has to buy his own coffee HAHAHA I'm not suicidal anymore don't I look pretty in my beret also?" Teddy points out that he's merely mayor-elect, which is why he's only had one meeting to go to in the past seven years.
In any case, Peggy is happy to see him looking like less of a sad sack. They talk about how she's moved into a new townhouse located conveniently right around the corner, until she finally asks if they're going to stay in small talk purgatory forever. Meanwhile, should these two even be seen walking down the street together? Have they completely forgotten the giant scandal in which they were embroiled? Teddy apologizes for the fact that his campaign kind of ruined her life, but she says that it was all really for the best and allowed her and her husband to admit that their marriage wasn't working. Teddy is all, "Are you trying to tell me something?" because he really is as big a tool as her, despite the lack of anything as obvious as a fuzzy beret.
Back on the road, Deacon and Juliette are having a writing session. She loves their new song, but says that her people will hate it since it's not on brand. She feels trapped by her stupid million-dollar-industry image, and Deacon says that he's had the exact same conversation many times. With Rayna, of course, and some mythical "others" that he just made up. Juliette puts her pride aside momentarily and wonders what Rayna would do. Deacon says that she'd probably do what she always does -- stay true to herself. Juliette points out that Rayna has always had Deacon there to help. Untrue, since sometimes she had Liam McGuinness there to help. Juliette laments the fact that she doesn't want to be the "I'm a Girl" girl, dancing around in hot pants and vomiting sparkles every time she spins around. It's fun, and she wants to give her fans what they want, but... she wonders what will happen if she decides to stop being that girl and nobody comes with her. Deacon notes that it's scary to think about losing everybody, but it's worse to lose yourself. And then he drops the previewed bit of Deacon wisdom that will also come in handy later in an elevator: "There's thinking about doing something, and there's just doing it."
Speaking of just doing it, Teddy has driven Peggy the 300 yards back to her new home, with its giant, comfortable bed featuring her giant, willing ladyparts. She wishes Teddy could see what she sees -- a proud, smart, hardworking man who only embezzled $2 million that on