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YOU GUYS! Okay, let's go from least to most exciting here. Scarlett can't pay her rent, and when her first gig out with Bleatwood Crack only nets her $24, it looks like she will be forced to ask Avery for the money that he owes her. Happily, he wanders by with a film crew since he's being featured on a show called Star Towns, and I guess he is marginally a star. He refuses to give her the money, but later reconsiders and shows up at her door. Once there he finds Gunnar, who in his eagerness to get away from a crowd of roommates wielding Sharpies and blowhorns, has agreed to be Scarlett's new roommate. Avery assumes that they're banging, and there are fisticuffs. He soon learns that you shouldn't throw a punch at a guy who is about three feet taller than you, and who also tells you to your face that you're a sad, self-loathing freak.
Then there's the Juliette Barnes portion of the "Red Lips, White Lies" tour. When he's not busy ignoring Rayna, Deacon gets a little judgy about the size of Juliette's entourage and volume of her glitter, and encourages her to follow her dream of being a real artist and not just a manufactured pop tartlet. He drops that bon mot about how there's thinking about doing something, and then there's just doing it, which is in fact advice that he, himself, will be taking in a short while. Glen is not on board with this plan, as it would corrupt the tried and true Juliette Barnes brand, and so Juliette doesn't bother consulting with him before going on stage in jeans, sitting on a stool, and doing a new acoustic number that she and Deacon wrote. A reviewer in the audience tweeted some mean stuff about it, but it turns out that a video of the performance has gone viral and people love it. In the process of learning this, Juliette totally screams at her underlings before appreciating the fact that they're nicer to her than she deserves. She tells Glen to get on board, because her brand it is a-changin'.
And THEN. Okay, where to begin. So, Deacon does not want to talk to Rayna at all on tour, and manages to ignore her two whole times while they're in an elevator together. Thank goodness they ended up riding that elevator thrice! But wait, I am getting ahead of myself. The good news is that Rayna has an awesome new chick guitar player who she loves. The bad news is that Teddy is pissed, per usual, even though Rayna assures him she had no idea that Deacon was coming on the tour. The other good news is that Watty White is back, and pleased to learn that Marshall Evans is giving Rayna her own label. Rayna has to bring in a few acts, and she inquires about -- you guessed it -- Scarlett and Gunnar. When she realizes that Scarlett is Deacon's niece, she backs off of the idea for a while, given the tension between her and Deacon. Watty thinks that the distance between Rayna and Deacon is a good thing, and she lies that it's better for everybody involved.
MEANWHILE, Peggy just happens to run into Teddy, likely while stalking him. She's wearing a beret, and also drops the news that she and her husband have separated. Teddy gives her a ride somewhere because obviously she is too unstable to drive, and then she gives all sorts of lip service to the idea that Teddy deserves to be with someone who actually loves him, or at the very least likes him. High off of the ONE MEETING that he's had to go to for his job as mayor, Teddy puts his hand on Peggy's. And then he touches her hair. And then they kiss. In the car, because they still haven't learned important lessons about going inside where cameras can't see you. AND THEN THEY TOTALLY BONE!
The good news about Teddy and Peggy boning is that it gives us permission to not have complicated feelings about Rayna cheating on Teddy with Deacon, which totally seems like it's going to happen. The third time that we see them in the elevator together, Deacon finally hauls off and kisses her, just as the preview promised! It turns out he's done talking. So is she, as they get a good six-floor mini-makeout session. And then he just goes to his room all nonchalantly. She agonizes in hers for a while, as that fantastic First Aid Kit song about being your Emmylou plays, because: true love. And then Rayna texts Deacon, and we see him getting the text and leaving his room, ostensibly to go to hers, because: true love. Also: boning. But then Teddy ruins EVERYTHING as he always ruins everything by showing up at Rayna's hotel room unannounced! Deacon happens to see him just as he's turning the corner in the hallway, and I think it's safe to say that a cockblock from the husband of your object of affection is the worst cockblock of all. Teddy is such a jerk that he's come to tell Rayna that he's had a moment of clarity and wants to divorce her. He couldn't just have sent a text, or at least had the decency to wait until after Rayna and Deacon were done boning?
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Previously onNashville: Teddy wondered if he and Rayna had a future together, and she was basically like, "Ummmmm." Peggy existed, and though it looked an awful lot like she and Teddy were having an affair, they were actually just lovers... of embezzlement. Rayna visited Deacon out of concern, and a whole lot of emotional baggage surfaced, ending with him basically telling her that she had the Wrong Song if she thought they could be buddies. Juliette's visit of concern to Deacon fared much better, though, and he agreed to come on tour with her, much to Rayna's surprise and chagrin.
We open with the major players in the Red Lips, White Lies tour pulling up to their hotel in Chicago. A gaggle of fans await, many of them in the teen varieties. Rayna learns from Bucky that they've sold out two nights, which is of course great news, but she's still preoccupied by Deacon's surprise appearance on the plane and thus the tour. Bucky swears he didn't know anything about it, and Juliette gleefully barges in to ask if Rayna's pissed. You know, because she would be SO UPSET if she did anything to make Rayna mad. As she does in these situations, Rayna hoists up her Southern charm and asks why she'd be pissed, before giving a big smile and "Hey, y'all," to the fans. They sign a few autographs and while walking away Juliette notes that her plane is not small, and Rayna didn't make eye contact with her once after Deacon appeared. If Juliette were just a little bit smarter, she'd add a, "And where's Liam, anyway?" just to make sure the tip of the knife penetrated Rayna's pretty ginger guts.
Rayna wonders if Juliette didn't have anything better to do on the trip than to look over and see if Rayna was looking at her. Juliette wants Rayna to admit that she's pissed, and when she won't (wondering aloud if Juliette will ever grow up in the process), it's Juliette who seems to be the pissed one. She then tries to school Deacon about what a bellhop does, and he's like, "I've actually stayed in hotels before, thanks." He's looking for his guitar and says that this isn't his first rodeo. Juliette tells him that it's his first time at her rodeo, which as it turns out is a really gross, tacky kind of rodeo that is quite possibly overrun with crabs. Deacon gives her some grief about the size of her entourage. When she says it takes a lot of people to make a good show, he points out that Johnny Cash only needed three. This hits Juliette where she lives, which is The Land of a Constant Quest for Legitimacy.
In the hotel, Rayna is still wondering why Deacon's there. Bucky suggests that she ask him, but Rayna says that she has to call Teddy (to try to explain Deacon's presence), and get ready for a show tonight (where she will constantly rue the fact that Deacon is playing in Juliette's band and not her own), and so she doesn't have time for any Deacon Claybourne drama. Her whole life is Deacon Claybourne drama! Except for the part that's Liam McGuinness drama. And that's the way we like it. Meanwhile, Juliette is so impressionable, especially when Deacon wields his considerable cranky influence. She asks Glenn if she has too many people in her band, and he tells her that everything with her show is just perfect, and with her bad press and Jolene out of the picture, she's primed to get her brand back on target and be right where she was before her mighty downfall. But Juliette wonders what happens if she doesn't want to go right back where she was. Glenn can't even fathom what she's talking about because his primary concern is making his 10 percent as big as possible.
And then Rayna just barely catches an elevator... with only Deacon inside. He's so mad at her that he can't even be bothered to ask, "What floor?" She kind of shrugs her shoulders and looks over at him a few times while he looks down at the floor. He gets off of the elevator without so much as a word or a glance. This is not the way to start off two Deacon-Claybourne-drama-free days.
Back in Nashville, Gunnar is fixing Scarlett's plumbing. That is not a euphemism. With her scraggly weave pulled back into a scraggly ponytail, she tries to make small talk about how good they sounded with JT and the band, but Gunnar isn't engaging. Scarlett still doesn't know what got his "fur all backwards" in Texas (and I will give her one point for that really cute saying), but if he's not going to talk about it he should at least stop worrying about it. But it turns out that Gunnar's not currently worried about his criminal brother on the lam. Rather, he has asshole roommates (and former bandmates) who have been giving him shit since he joined Bleatwood Crack. They drew a giant turtle on his ribcage in sharpie. How they got such access to his skinny torso is not addressed before there's a knock at the door. It's Scarlett's landlord, asking about the rent. If she doesn't get it to him in two days, he's kicking her out. And... if her landlord is so close by, how come he wasn't fixing the sink? It turns out that Avery owes Scarlett some money, but she's not ready to actually have to see him to get it back. She's hopefully that Bleatwood Crack's paying gig tonight will put her back in the black and she won't be evicted and forced to go back to living in the tree trunk. She's way behind on her nut gathering, after all.
And then we all have to endure a horrible phone call between Rayna and Teddy. She talks about how important their time apart is to figure things out, and swears she didn't know that Deacon was going to show up on the tour. She also swears that she didn't want him there. Teddy asks if she's seen Deacon since she fired him, and Rayna is all, "Oh, erm, gosh, well, cough." She explains that she saw him out of concern since they have been friends for 20 years, as Teddy well knows. For once, Teddy actually has a meeting to go to and this sense of temporary purpose emboldens him to say, "Okay, Rayna, I get it. You didn't know about Deacon, you didn't plan any of this, life's a bitch sometimes, and you're processing. Have we covered it all?" Damn, girl! And then he hangs up, leaving Rayna only the long neck bow on her hideous blouse to fiddle with.
Meanwhile, Marilyn happily informs Avery that Belmont loved him and wants him to come back for another festival in the spring, and reminds him that a crew from a show called Star Towns will be following him around. The show features musicians showing off a city that they love, and always has one big star and one up and coming act. She works hard to convince Avery that this is all good news, but he's too busy Googling details of Scarlett's upcoming performance. Marilyn tells him to get over it, which is a piece of advice that he could apply in myriad ways.
Back in Chicago, Rayna's on stage in a short sequined dress that looks like it could belong to Juliette, and singing, "I'm Already Gone." While I am a fan of her tight trousers of yore, the dress is really working and she looks impossibly fly. And I haven't even mentioned the hair. I wish I could just transplant all of Connie Britton onto myself, basically. Except the voice. She IS improving, but still. Rayna is a fan of the "stand there and sing" style of performance, which is a lovely contrast to what we'll see from Juliette in a few moments. We get flashes of adoring audience members, none of whom seem to know the words to Rayna's big show-closing hit. Suspicious. But Rayna loves Chicago nonetheless!
Backstage, Deacon makes his way through a bunch of half-naked dancers warming up and is likely starting to think that even with the rapey times The Revel Kings gig wasn't so bad. As Juliette has a rack of wardrobe options wheeled into her dressing room, Deacon notes that it's like a big Vegas show. He's not regretting coming, necessarily, just getting used to all the glitter. Juliette blinks her five-pound eyelashes, and then we cut to her on stage in leather hot pants with dancers jumping all around her. And come on. If she
has all these dancers, why have we never seen them before?
Juliette sings the most perfectly bad song that you could imagine, which I'm guessing is called, "I'm a Girl." It contains the amazing couplets, "I'm a girl, oh yeah / I can get a free drink for flipping my hair," and, "I'm a girl, I got skills / I can dance all night in five inch heels." Kudos to the writers of this perfect specimen for capturing the zeitgeist of stupidity represented by pre-Deaconized Juliette. And if you think it's too exaggeratedly dumb, remember that "We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together" is a thing that exists, and that we all have sung along to at one point or another.
Speaking of Deacon, he looks like he's landed in Oz as he plays a guitar solo with a gyrating dancer in front of him. I'm guessing this has never happened at The Bluebird. Oh my God, and then the bridge of the song: "I'm a shoe sale shopping, chick flick watching, Jesus loving, Oprah hugging, strong and independent, don't forget intelligent, I like my men real tall... well, I kinda like them all." Nobel Prizes to everyone who had a hand in writing this masterpiece! Juliette seems to be enjoying herself just fine until Deacon gives her a, "WTF?" look. Apparently he doesn't appreciate Oprah hugging, or the benefit of traipsing around on stage like a skank who bathes in glitter.
After her performance, Juliette actually complains about not being able to scrub her glitter off (it's a metaphor!) while Glenn congratulates her on a great show. Juliette yells that it was an act and that there's nothing artistic about wind machines and smoke. But the fans love it, and Glenn says it's perfectly on her brand. Juliette is sick of the "idiotic tart" brand, though, and would rather slap on a beret and pencil-thin moustache to brand herself as "moody artiste." Glenn notes that fans are fickle, and with one wrong step she could be Rayna Jaymes pre-"Wrong Song." Juliette wonders if she can't ever change and the answer basically is, "Not if you want to still be a multi-million dollar industry!" Maybe her song should be called, "I'm a Multi-Million Dollar Industry." Harder to rhyme than, "girl," but more accurate!
Backstage, Rayna hugs her new fabulous lead guitar player... who is also a lovely lady! Her name is Adria, and once she leaves Bucky notes that she has a different "energy" than Rayna's bandleaders. But Rayna likes the lady energy and thinks Adria is amazing and perfect and just what she needs. E.g., she probably won't come close to boning her, though I think we can all agree that that would be really hot. There's just one thing Adria isn't doing, which is a little riff in front of "Already Gone." Rayna grabs Deacon, who is standing nearby, to ask if he can talk to her about it. Deacon agrees and starts to walk away, but Rayna draws him back with an awkward, "So what's going on?" E.g., what the heck is he doing on tour with them? Deacon says he plays guitar for people who pay him money, so that's what he's doing. Rayna admits that it's all a little bit awkward, and Deacon Deacons that he'll try to stay out of her way. In case you were wondering, "Deacons" is a verb that means, "Acts moody and kind of like a giant jerk while still managing to throw off an insane amount of brooding sexual energy and make you fall in love just a little bit more whilst simultaneously becoming increasingly frustrated." I know he's apparently a great guitar player, but Deaconing really is his special skill.
Back in Nashville, Bleatwood Crack is playing for a half-empty room. None of the patrons who are actually in the audience seem to be impressed by Scarlett's whack overly huge lip-syncing, for once. Even her feral faces when getting really into the song have little impact on anyone's level of attention. It must be difficult for her, given that she's so accustomed to everyone loving every mediocre (and sometimes horrible!) thing that she does. Gunnar's roommates come in at the end of the song with a blowhorn. At least they maybe had to pay a cover? After the show, JT gathers their haul for the evening. They've made $144... total. That's $24 each. So, unless Scarlett's rent is $30 a month, this is not much help to her.
In Chicago, Rayna meets up with Watty White! Hey, old friend! He's spent the last ten episodes driving to Chicago, apparently, and listening to Johnny and June and Hank and Emmylou on the radio. Watty is coming to the show tonight, and Rayna's curious to know what he thinks. She also notes that Marshall is reluctantly giving her her own label with the caveat that she has to bring him a few acts to break. Watty thinks it's a good move for Rayna, and she asks about the kids that he saw at the Bluebird way back in episode one. She's shocked to learn that he was actually talking about Scarlett, who is of course Deacon's niece. Given how crazy things are with her and Deacon right now, she doesn't think she can sign Scarlett and Gunnar. But if she doesn't, says Watty, someone else will. And then maybe Scarlett will make enough to pay her rent, since a full-time job and a publishing deal aren't doing it for her.
And then we're in downtown Nashville with Teddy, who's buying a cup of coffee. Peggy emerges out of a store, looking like the true dingbat she is in a white beret with side ponytail, and carrying three huge shopping bags. I'm sure she was just skulking in a doorway and waiting for him to walk by because she is a giant fucking stalker. I hope Maddie and Daphne don't have a bunny. Peggy is all, "Oh, the mayor has to buy his own coffee HAHAHA I'm not suicidal anymore don't I look pretty in my beret also?" Teddy points out that he's merely mayor-elect, which is why he's only had one meeting to go to in the past seven years.
In any case, Peggy is happy to see him looking like less of a sad sack. They talk about how she's moved into a new townhouse located conveniently right around the corner, until she finally asks if they're going to stay in small talk purgatory forever. Meanwhile, should these two even be seen walking down the street together? Have they completely forgotten the giant scandal in which they were embroiled? Teddy apologizes for the fact that his campaign kind of ruined her life, but she says that it was all really for the best and allowed her and her husband to admit that their marriage wasn't working. Teddy is all, "Are you trying to tell me something?" because he really is as big a tool as her, despite the lack of anything as obvious as a fuzzy beret.
Back on the road, Deacon and Juliette are having a writing session. She loves their new song, but says that her people will hate it since it's not on brand. She feels trapped by her stupid million-dollar-industry image, and Deacon says that he's had the exact same conversation many times. With Rayna, of course, and some mythical "others" that he just made up. Juliette puts her pride aside momentarily and wonders what Rayna would do. Deacon says that she'd probably do what she always does -- stay true to herself. Juliette points out that Rayna has always had Deacon there to help. Untrue, since sometimes she had Liam McGuinness there to help. Juliette laments the fact that she doesn't want to be the "I'm a Girl" girl, dancing around in hot pants and vomiting sparkles every time she spins around. It's fun, and she wants to give her fans what they want, but... she wonders what will happen if she decides to stop being that girl and nobody comes with her. Deacon notes that it's scary to think about losing everybody, but it's worse to lose yourself. And then he drops the previewed bit of Deacon wisdom that will also come in handy later in an elevator: "There's thinking about doing something, and there's just doing it."
Speaking of just doing it, Teddy has driven Peggy the 300 yards back to her new home, with its giant, comfortable bed featuring her giant, willing ladyparts. She wishes Teddy could see what she sees -- a proud, smart, hardworking man who only embezzled $2 million that on
e time. He deserves happiness, she says, and someone to tell him that she believes in him, and always has. He shouldn't have to work so hard to try to make someone love him. Peggy has really nailed the fact that the way to seduce Teddy is not through overt sexuality, but through attempts to repair his eviscerated self-confidence and have his balls drop at least a quarter inch out of his body. He just wants someone to like him, you guys. It's preferable if that person also is blind to the fact that he's kind of a chump. Peggy pats his hand and starts to get out of the car. But then Teddy grabs her hand and squeezes it before pulling her to him and laying one on her. They get involved in some closed-lip makeout fun times, and we get insight into why Rayna and Teddy probably haven't had sex in seven years. Meanwhile, these two have learned absolutely nothing about how you're supposed to conduct shady and secretive dealings in non-public places.
And then we're with the host of Star Towns, who is walking to Avery and talking for the camera all about how he's taking the alt-country world by storm. He walks by his and Scarlett's old place (which is of course still Scarlett's current home), and calls it the best place he ever lived. While the crew films B-roll of Avery walking by, a forest vole in a scraggly weave and oversized sweater sticks its head out the window and yells, "Avery?" Avery tells the film crew that this is his ex-girlfriend Scarlett, who is an incredible musician. He adds that they are still great friends, which is proven to be a bit of an overstatement as Scarlett comes and scowls at him while telling the crew to point their "thingy" in the other direction since she's not signing any releases. He should be glad for that, since she wants the money that he owes her, and he is a complete dick to her in response. She makes it clear that she's unimpressed by the film crew before calling him pathetic and walking away.
Back in Chicago, Deacon enters the elevator to find Rayna standing there, alone but for another froofy blouse. Sometimes she really does have the weirdest fashion choices. If I am ever a country star, I sure hope I don't start wearing sheer ruffles down the front of me all the time. Rayna greets Deacon, and he literally won't even say hi to her. But Rayna tries again, asking in a super cute way what's going on with Scarlett and saying that she got her demo from Watty. She adds that Scarlett got all of Deacon's talent, and he scowls in response, probably because that isn't much of a compliment. And finally Rayna can't help herself. She asks if Deacon is having fun on the tour before adding, "I never thought I'd see the day you'd be singing 'Boys and Buses' with Juliette Barnes day in and day out, but you know life never ceases to amaze." Five million points for that, seriously.
Meanwhile, Gunnar is looking a little peaked at the Bluebird -- something having to do with his asshole roommates and a blowhorn at 3 AM. Scarlett has a potential solution to this problem. Yes, you guessed it, she's proposing that he moves in with her, at least temporarily. Have these two forgotten all their weird sexual tension of just, like, two episodes ago? Are they going to ask Hailey if she wants to rent a room, too? Will Mr. and Mrs. Roper drop by unexpectedly to act scandalized by their hijinks? Scarlett proposes rules: Gunnar won't walk around nekkid and she won't play the banjo in the shower OR let her kinfolk eat his stash of acorns. Scarlett is ostensibly fine if Gunnar wants to bring a girl home (or two girls in his dreams), and he is ostensibly fine (YEAH RIGHT) if she wants to bring a guy home. This is all going to go GREAT, I'm sure.
We then cut to Chicago, where Juliette storms on stage in just jeans and a white button down shirt, much to Glenn's dismay. When Rayna asks what Juliette is doing, Glenn surmises that she's having a nervous breakdown in front of 10,000 people. But actually she's quoting her good friend Deacon Claybourne, who is an aficionado of just doing it, and bringing him up to perform an acoustic version of their new song, "Consider Me." And the real problem with Juliette's new bid for credibility is that she sounds SO much better on the pop drivel. Something about the slower, more sincere numbers brings out the whiny quality in Hayden Panettiere's voice, no matter how good the song is. Offstage, however, Rayna seems kind of impressed. Watty notes that it's weird to see Deacon out there playing with someone else, and Connie Britton waits a beat, blinks about eight times, and gives a pretty perfect line delivery when she says, "Yes it is." The song ends, and both Juliette and Deacon look pretty impressed with the situation.
Oh boy, and then after a commercial break we see some rumpled sheets and pan up to a post-coital Teddy and Peggy. They totally DID IT. Probably through a hole in the sheet that was cut in the shape of Rayna's head, but still. In other news, Teddy has really large areolas for a dude who isn't on The Biggest Loser. Peggy says that she remembers what it's like to lay in his arms, and he notes that all that was a long time ago. And if you'll recall back in the episode when Rayna played at the country club for Teddy's fundraiser, we learned that he and Peggy dated back before he met Rayna.
For someone who just had her greatest hopes and dreams come true, Peggy looks awfully sad. She asks what they're doing, and Teddy says he doesn't know, but this is wrong. It is, however, the right song, about a liar and a cheater. And the best thing about this awkward hookup of Teddy and his stalker is that Rayna has free reign to go and bang Deacon! It's like a Christmas, birthday and Easter present all in one! And in case you were wondering, Peggy does not seem to have worn her beret all through their lovemaking.
Backstage in Chicago, Juliette heads into her dressing room triumphantly. Her assistant, Emily, congratulates her for her amazing performance, but Glenn is less than thrilled. It turns out there was a reviewer in the audience who live-Tweeted the whole song. Juliette thinks that this is good news, but it turns out that he had some rather critical things to say. And really, could Glenn not have waited until after the actual show to tell her this? And what strange stagecraft is it to go and sing one number, and then leave to do a whole costume change before your actual show begins? Especially when most of her fans are twelve and have to do their Algebra homework and get to bed? Juliette reads some of the Tweets aloud, and most of them deal with what a presumptuous twit she is to think she can be an artist. Glenn asks her to consult with him on big decisions while Emily tells her that she was really great, and Juliette screams at them to get out. Even her usual feel-better standby of yelling at underlings isn't working this time, though, and she starts to cry. Now she's going to be all stuffed up trying to sing "Telescope!"
Meanwhile, Rayna sits in the hotel lobby with Watty and says that she wants to go ahead and meet with Scarlett and Gunnar. She hasn't worked out her stuff with Deacon yet, but isn't going to let his broody scowling determine her career choices. Watty thinks it's all great. Rayna's show is greater than ever, Deacon's doing great with Juliette, great great great great great. He adds that Rayna and Deacon have been tied together for a long time, and putting some distance in between them (metaphorical distance, since they keep managing to get stuck in elevators together) is a good thing. Rayna agrees/lies that it's better for both of them.
Glen then hunts Deacon down at the hotel bar, where he's eating peanuts and drinking tap water. He gives him three kinds of hell for convincing Juliette that she should be more of an artist, adding that Deacon and Rayna might have been a package deal, but Juliette's a solo act. Deacon remains calm, telling Glenn that he was as surprised as anyone about the "Consider Me" ope
ner, but he wasn't going to leave her on stage alone. Glenn then goes for Deacon's broody jugular by asking if he's trying to turn Juliette into his replacement Rayna. Deacon says that Juliette is his boss and he's just doing what she wants, but Glenn tells him to stay in his lane, which is not a lane belonging to a boyfriend nor a manager but an easily replaceable hired gun. Deacon barely takes his eyes off of the TV, but a clenched jaw tells us that Glenn's hit a nerve when he says that Deacon isn't the person to talk about the distinction between doing and thinking, since all anyone's ever seen him do is think. Whatever crap Deacon has going on with Rayna, Glenn says, Juliette isn't part of his solution. And... nailed it!
And then it's time for another elevator ride. THE elevator ride! Rayna steps in and this time it's Deacon who sticks a hand in the closing door to get inside. This is NO ACCIDENT. Fed up with his brooding silence of the past few days, Rayna finally comes out with it and asks what the hell he's doing on this tour. Deacon maintains his silence for a beat then turns and just lays it on her. "It" is of course a serious elevator kiss. When you compare the Teddy kiss to the Deacon kiss, you can easily understand where Rayna is coming from with the twelve years of ambivalence in her marriage. Sadly, she can't let a good thing be, so stops this rather excellent kiss to confusedly ask once again what he's doing on the tour. The answer obviously is, "Waiting for opportunities to smooch the living daylights out of you, so be quiet and just enjoy it." He does finally say that he's done talking, which is a relief given how confusing their conversations tend to be. Much more pleasing for everybody to have a super-hot makeout sesh!
The two go at it for a couple more floors, and I think it's no coincidence that the hot sexy physical manifestation of Deacon's true feelings has come just as Rayna is no longer wearing a hideous blouse with neck bow. The warm wood in the elevator is also doing fantastic things to her already miraculous hair. And then Deacon is SO DEACON as he just gets out on his floor and leaves Rayna to wonder what the fuck is even happening right now. Poor Rayna returns to her extremely covetable penthouse suite, and just paces and paces while looking fabulous in a V-neck sweater.
Meanwhile, Gunnar is moving into Scarlett's place and marveling at the news that her mom thought the second bedroom in the house was actually Scarlett's. She says that her family has a whole "plausible deniability" thing, where as long as you pretend everything's good and proper, it's fine. Gunnar calls it an "agreed upon delusion," just like his moving into the house as a "roommate." There's a knock on the door, and of course it's Avery. He came to make peace and give Scarlett the money he owes. He admits to being a jerk, and apologizes before saying that he did want her to see the TV crew, which is why he brought them by. He wanted to "share a little of [his] success" with her, and is hoping that they can still be "friends." I mean, they already had unsuccessful ex sex once. I think he should just give it up.
Just as Avery says he misses having Scarlett in his life, Gunnar pops out of the bedroom to say hi. When Avery notes that it's a little late to be working, Scarlett shrugs and says, "We're not working." And let's all be clear that any fisticuffs that happen momentarily have been in large part brought on by that remark. Avery of course jumps to the conclusion that Scarlett and Avery are boning, and basically tells Gunnar that both Scarlett and the band are his sloppy seconds. Gunnar calmly points out that Avery is lonely and hates himself, which is a pretty dead-on assessment. He adds that Avery made his choices and has to live with them, so he had better not disrespect Scarlett since he never deserved her in the first place. And then, fisticuffs! Avery hauls off and slugs Gunnar, which is hilarious given that Gunnar is just about twice his size. Gunnar takes him down with a one-two-three punch and shouts that he and Scarlett are just roommates. A bloody Avery heads out, seemingly uncomforted by this news.
Back in Chicago, Juliette is reading mean Tweets in her penthouse and crying. Emily enters to say that, even though her assistant-opinion doesn't count for all that much, she loved Juliette's song and the fact that she was brave enough to sing it. Juliette thanks her, but her frown isn't truly turned upside down until she learns that a video of "Consider Me" has gone viral, and lots of people love it. So, you know, she's totally marching to the beat of her own specifically not glittery drum now and not caring what people think! Quite the artiste!
Oh and then YOU GUYS. In her penthouse, Rayna stops pacing long enough to grab her phone and text Deacon. The text says, "Talk?" along with her room number ("PH1" for those of us who are destined to always be impoverished). She pauses for a moment and taps her fingers against the side of the phone before hitting "send." And, first of all: the gorgeous First Aid Kit song "Emmylou" -- which is all about making us get swoony and nostalgic for real life country loves -- is playing while all this is happening, because this show is shameless in trying to kill us dead. It's perfection. Second: Deacon just said that he's tired of talking. So in this case does "talk" mean "bang"? Or does she really want to talk? I repeat: KILLING US DEAD. Deacon, who is brooding on the bed of his much less resplendent hotel room, gets the text, grabs his room key and is out. We cut back to Rayna, lounging on her couch while fidgeting with her phone. There is a knock on the door. Rayna sort of scurries to it as we all sit home DYING (DEAD! I am writing this from BEYOND THE GRAVE!) and then who is standing there but STUPID TEDDY! ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHH! So now the show is killing us dead in a much different, less pleasantly woozy way, and Rayna is likely wondering why none of the men in her life can send a fucking courtesy text instead of just showing up unannounced.
So, blargh. It turns out that Teddy has had a moment of clarity, and needed to see Rayna. She also had a moment of clarity about how she should be banging Deacon, and needed precisely NOT to see him. But here he is, ruining everything. Deacon gets off of the elevator on the PH floor and stops short when he spies Teddy outside of Rayna's window. As Teddy enters Rayna's suite, all of his sad sackitude floats down the hall and enters into Deacon, just like how the devil got Sister Mary Eunice in American Horror Story.
Speaking of horror stories, Juliette is feeling good again and bossing everyone around. She's ready to revamp her brand entirely, but Glenn tells her that she can't just change who she is on a whim. Juliette points out that she's a shoplifting runaway bride with a MethMom, and everyone knows it. She can't keep playing the role of the good girl ingénue. Glenn says that she was great, but it was one song. He doesn't want to see her fall. But Juliette says that she's growing up, and her audience is growing with her. She suggests that Glenn do the same. I think that's more of an order than a suggestion, actually.
Meanwhile, Scarlett tends to Gunnar's busted lip and they talk about how he learned to fight from his jailbird brother. Unlike everyone else in the episode, they do not kiss. Avery, meanwhile, storms into Marilyn's place and won't even let her check out his bloody face before starting to furiously pack. He says that he's not doing this anymore, and Marilyn's not his damn girlfriend. She tells him not to flatter himself, since this is purely recreational and both of them are using one another to get ahead. Ah, romance is alive. Avery insists on keeping things professional from now on, and tells Marilyn that she can drop him as a client if she wants to. He storms out with his guitar case, which I imagine is full of cat toys like
http://jacksongalaxy.com/2012/07/02/whats-in-jacksons-guitar-case/" target="_blank">Jackson Galaxy's.
And now back to Rayna and Teddy. He tells her that things have been tough for both of them lately, what with them kind of hating each other and everything. He's been hoping that things would change, and there would be a magical moment where Rayna actually seemed to like him at least a little bit. But that moment has never come, and Teddy is tired of waiting for it. He wants a divorce! Instead of jumping for joy as one might expect, Rayna looks rather shell-shocked. And with that, we're out.
week: Juliette is taking control of her career, and possibly acting rather monstrous in the process. And oh my goodness, Liam is back! And sexing with Rayna! While she is wearing a very ill-advised hat that is probably indicative of an impending nervous breakdown! ON STAGE!
Potes will be your Emmylou. She can be tweeted @potesypotes or emailed at traciepotes@gmail.com.