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The Rayna Jaymes / Juliette Barnes tour (or the Juliette Barnes / Rayna Jaymes tour, depending on who you ask) is HAPPENING! And the ladies only bitch each other out for a little while to try and establish the pecking order (at this point it's a draw). The tour kicks off in three days, because it's the most hastily slapped together tour in all of musical history!
Meanwhile, Juliette has taken the extreme yet effective step of eloping with Sean just to get him to bang her. When his parents learn of their nuptials they are most decidedly not pleased, and his Tiger Mom insists that they have a church wedding to save face before Juliette heads out on tour. The one day of wedding planning gives Monster-in-Law a chance to bitch out Juliette constantly. With Sean's football schedule and Juliette's tour, the newlyweds will basically never be able to see each other, which is probably all for the best. Sean wants to go see Jolene in rehab and tell her the news, but Juliette insists on taking that one solo. It turns out that Jolene has finally combed her hair, and in the process gained some wisdom -- she says that no amount of hasty marriage will quiet Juliette's demons, and asks if she's really happy. Juliette freaks out, and then winds up being a no-show at her own wedding, which would be a more effective tactic if she weren't already married.
Rayna can't wait to get out of Nashville, and wants to take her girls out on tour with her so Teddy can't embezzle money from their piggy banks while she's away. Teddy is not keen on that idea and neither is Lamar, who threatens to tell Maddie who her real daddy is. It turns out that Teddy already knows about Maddie's paternity, and when he learns of Lamar's threat he goes apeshit. This makes Rayna like him a little bit more. She agrees not to take the girls with her full-time, and both she and Teddy agree that her tour is the perfect cover (both to the public and at home) for their failing-for-reasons-besides-embezzlement marriage.
Elsewhere, Deacon doesn't seem to be enjoying his newfound rock star status all that much, despite getting to bang an old friend / maybe flame who is now a music journalist. They have the opposite of post-coital bliss when she brings up their past, and how she let something go 14 years ago and regretted it, and also maybe a car accident was involved? We can at least appreciate the character development involved in Deacon having inscrutable conversations with someone other than Rayna. Deacon proves that he is the enemy of happiness and satisfaction when he can't even enjoy his own picture on the cover of a magazine. He also probably secretly wants to go on tour with Rayna and Juliette, where the hairstylists have bigger fish to fry.
Back at the Squirrel Village, Scarlett and Gunnar are fighting a whole bunch, mostly because he's being a dick, per usual. Avery shows up at Scarlett's place to get his stuff since he's moving out, and then tricks her into a hug. There are FEELINGS, and then SEX. But Scarlett goes all rabid woodchuck on him when she learns that he's totally dumped his good friends and former bandmates upon hotshot producer Domino's insistence. While Avery slinks back to the ATL wondering whether selling his soul to Domino is better or worse than having sold it to Marilyn, Scarlett agrees to fill in last-minute for a gig with Avery's bandmates. She knows every song, after all. Of course they love her and the audience loves her and her ability to bounce around cross-eyed on stage invokes envy from even the angels, and they ask her to be a permanent member of the band. But Scarlett turns them down because the thrill of being a frontwoman pales in relation to her tedious and needlessly dramatic relationship with Gunnar.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: After their hot duet at the Ryman, Marshall Evans proposed a Rayna Jaymes / Juliette Barnes co-headlining tour, and Rayna didn't say no. Scarlett and Gunnar kissed and, in related news, Hailey dumped Gunnar. Peggy overdosed on sleeping pills (but sadly did not die), and Teddy was forced to tell Rayna that they didn't have an affair, they just embezzled some money together. A big rock band named The Revel Kings asked Deacon to play guitar for them, and Juliette proposed to Sean so a) he'd finally sleep with her; b) she could stick it to his nasty mom.
We enter with Rayna in the studio, recording her part on "Wrong Song." In happy news, Connie Britton has really improved vocally over the break! Good for her, and us, really. Liam has noticed as well, and is digging it. Bucky and Glen are also in the sound booth rocking out, and Liam happily informs Rayna that she nailed the track. Juliette doesn't have a chance to do the same thing because she still hasn't shown up yet. Her absence gives Liam an opportunity to say that the whole tour is a very bad idea. Glen apologizes and says this is really unlike Juliette, and everyone is all, "HAHALOL."
So where is Juliette, you may wonder? She's banging Sean in the back of a limo. He can't believe they just "did that," and she enthusiastically says it was worth the wait. But Sean is talking about their rash nuptials. All Juliette can say to that is, "That was nice." That's only one small step down from calling the whole experience "neat." He wonders when they should tell people. She asks, "Like our managers?" but he means their parents. A match fated by the heavens, these two! Juliette wants to have sex with Sean again to avoid talking about this any more, but she's interrupted by a phone call reminder her she was supposed to be in the studio with Rayna. What a wedding night! But the studio version of "Wrong Song" promises to be a much bigger hit than even the live version and if Juliette is going to eschew sex for anything, it's money.
Cut to Scarlett and Gunnar, who are at the publishing house late at night trying to work out a song. They've been going for four hours without much success, which gives Gunnar a bonus chance to be a prick. He doesn't like the lyrics that Scarlett is proposing, and decides to go home. She reminds them that they need three new songs and have absolutely zip, but he tells her that it's pretty hard to write a song without any decent lyrics. Scarlett wonders why Gunnar is being such a walloping ass, and he just shakes his head in response, bile forming in his soul patch. Then SHE decides to leave, which makes him mad for no good reason. She mentions that she has to meet Avery in the morning, but it's not because they're back together -- he's moving out and giving her the keys to their place. Scarlett runs into Hailey on her way out the door, just to give Gunnar something extra to pout about.
Meanwhile, Avery is in the ATL with Dominic, who is throwing another one of his fabulous and sophisticated parties. Dominic says something cliché about mixing business with pleasure, but even this is not enough to clue Avery into the fact that he's secretly an enemy of music. And speaking of business, Dominic wants to know if Avery has dumped his band yet. He hasn't, and tries to explain that it's a little bit of a delicate situation since he actually grew up with those guys and they are all ostensibly friends. But Dominic wants Avery to tell them that he's moving up to the big time... solo. Avery's going back to Nashville tomorrow and thinks he owes the band at least the honor of playing one final gig with them. But Dominic says that he doesn't owe anyone anything, except for owing Marilyn his left testicle for all eternity. And owing Domino his firstborn and whatever traces of soul he has left.
Back in the studio, Liam has had enough of waiting around for spoiled pop tarts and takes off. Talk between Rayna and the managers turns to the tour, which they are booking with haste. They'll start with secondary markets and play to sell-out crowds while still working out the kinks (e.g., the folks in Muskogee might get to see Juliette concussed by a falling piece of stage!), then move to the majors. And they're planning on heading out Sunday, which leaves only three days for full arena rehearsal. Rayna can't wait to get away from her embezzling husband, though, and so is cool with that.
And speaking of arena tours, Deacon gets notes from the lead singer of The Revel Kings while walking onstage. It turns out his showmanship during his leads hasn't been at quite the required level. This is rock n' roll, not Rayna Jaymes. Also not Rayna Jaymes is Carmen Gonzales, a journalist from Tremolo magazine who's doing a story on the band. She walks up to Deacon and plants a kiss on his lips. They say a few words that indicate that they know each other, and then Carmen tells Deacon she's looking forward to their "in depth interview." I bet she is.
Juliette finally shows up at the studio, and nonchalantly tells everyone she was off getting married. Glen of course had no idea, which leads Rayna to note that they should communicate better. Still quite shocked, Glen asks if Juliette at least got a prenup, and Juliette in turn asks if she looks like an idiot. Is pink macaroni pink? Juliette just wants to get the song over with so she can go home to her hot husband and plan her honeymoon. Rayna asks for a moment to talk alone with the beautiful bride, but lest you think your dreams of her imparting maternal wisdom to Juliette are to come true, this is a business conversation, with three tablespoons of bitchery. When Rayna says she wants to start the tour on Sunday, Juliette asks why she even wants to go on the road together since the two women hate each other. Rayna claims to only hate sunburns and hangovers, and says this is just business. Juliette asks if everything is okay at home (knowing full well that it's not) and Rayna tells her that marriage is complicated. Even the Kardashian-esque marriage that Juliette has just entered into. Rayna snarkily asks if Juliette follows politics, to which Juliette snarkily replies, "Just the scandals," to which Rayna snarkily replies that Juliette would know something about that. These ladies need each other equally at this point, and Rayna asks a simple, "You in?"
Juliette returns home and greets Sean, but becomes less enthusiastic when she sees the scowling Butler parents. They have learned the wedding news, and Juliette (with snark left over from her conversation with Rayna) asks if she should call them mom and dad. Sean's dad says that Sean needs to stop and think this through. And really, it's a little late for that. Monster-in-Law surprisingly agrees with Sean that they need to respect his decision, but in turn Sean has to respect their family. Before news of the elopement gets out, she wants the whole thing "done right," e.g. in the eyes of God. She requests an actual ceremony, this month, for close family and friends only. They, like, own the church so scheduling should be no problem. Juliette says that this request might be difficult given that she's leaving Sunday to go on tour with Rayna. This is news to Sean, but Monster-in-Law doesn't even care except to say that they'll have to have the wedding on Saturday. Juliette's in. Welcome to the family!
Meanwhile, Rayna has just told Teddy about the tour. He's surprised, saying that he thought she was working on an album. And while that was the plan, "Wrong Song" is charting out of the blue and they need to run with it. Also, Rayna and Teddy still need money. And since embezzling is no longer an option, a five-month tour is the best they can do. Teddy asks if she's really going to leave the family for that long, and she says she's planning to take the girls on tour. And not just for kicks, but to get them away from a toxic environment and a family she can't trust, including Teddy. Teddy is decidedly NOT feeling this, leading me to think that he might transition from embezzler to Lifetime Movie-style kidnapper.
Juliette tries on miniscule sequined outfits while Sean and Glen compare schedules. With his football season and her tour, they'll cross paths for only two days in the two months. That actually kind of sounds like a dream marriage to me, but I have issues. Sean grumbles about this less than ideal honeymoon period. He wants to talk to Juliette about their lack of discussing important things like five-month tours, and instead she tries to have sex with him, which doesn't really work either. To allay his concerns, Juliette says that they'll hook up when they can and sext in between, then kicks him out so she can try on wedding dresses. Romance!
In his office, Teddy has a pretty intense gaze of sadness while looking upon a photo of his once-happy family. His mood is not even boosted by Tandy telling him that Coleman only got a slight bump from the release of the Teddy and Peggy photos. And speaking of Peggy, she's going to be fine. Even so, Teddy is having doubts about his recent soul-selling activity. What's it all for, he wonders, when Peggy almost died and his old friend Coleman is now an archnemesis. Tandy tries to convince him that he can repair those relationships after he wins. Then Teddy gets to his real preoccupation -- Rayna leaving to go on tour and taking the girls with her. Tandy is quite concerned, and the nature of that concern of course has to do entirely with the election. Downtrodden Teddy, however, isn't even sure that he should try to stop Rayna. Families in crisis!
Meanwhile, on the private plane of The Revel Kings, Carmen approaches Deacon with her digital recorder in tow. He tells her that she should talk to one of the other guys because their stories are really good, if not true. But she wants to talk to Deacon. And she's in a whole bunch of his stories, or at least the parts that he remembers. He is of course trying to joke about his tragic alcoholic past, but she is a total buzzkill even for already sober people and gravely says that she's just glad he's alive to tell the stories... especially after what happened to Vince. Oh Jesus, now we have to wonder who Vince is. I appreciate that Deacon is a man of mysteries, but I really would enjoy him more if he were a man of interesting mysteries.
Carmen then takes a lighter approach, asking Deacon why he never settled down and got fat and happy. That's not an official interview question, by the way. Deacon says that maybe he just never found the right one, and Carmen gazes at him meaningfully while adding, "At the right time." And what do you say to that but, "Yeah." Even if he had met the right one at the right time, Deacon is basically an enemy of happiness, so he probably would have fucked it up somehow. The real interview then starts, as Carmen asks what it's like to join one of the biggest rock bands in the world. Cementing his role as nemesis of happiness and joy, Deacon simply says, "Loud."
Back in the studio, Liam listens to a rough mix of "Wrong Song" (too much Juliette in the mix, if you ask me) and tells Rayna (without her asking!) that touring isn't going to save her career... it's going to kill it. She says she's been doing this for a long time and knows when the moment has come to go back out on the road. Liam points out that she was awfully persistent in getting him to work on an album, and Rayna tells him she still wants to do it. In response to the big question of, "Well then WTF?" Rayna admits that her home life is a holy mess and she's got to get out of town. In his head, I think, Liam is developing a project plan and timeline for banging her, which I enthusiastically endorse.
Avery returns home to the loving arms of his bandmates. They are proud of his well-deserved deal, and ask when they're moving to Atlanta. The answer to that is "When you marry NeNe Leakes," because Dominic wants to sign Avery as a solo artist. Band member JT asks what Dominic did when Avery told him to screw off. Let's see if we can find a portal to a parallel universe to find out! Avery delivers the bad news of his betrayal, and JT reminds him of their vow never to screw each other over. Maybe they had "best friends" necklaces too! Wah wah.
Avery says he can't say no to the real deal, and JT is offended that they are not, in fact, the real deal. See, their first problem was allowing the band to be called, "The Avery Barkley Band." Avery wants to go out with a bang by playing their last gig together, but JT wants Avery to go out with a bang delivered by his fist. Though this is not how Avery wanted things to go down, he tells his former friends and bandmates that not everyone gets to make it in this town (OR in the ATL, as it turns out). JT responds that not everybody is a famewhore. Avery claims to be all about the music, but JT says he's really just all about Avery Barkley. And I mean, they had to know he was a colossal dick before this moment. JT adds a final, "Good luck in Atlanta, douche," and Avery is left to stroke his soul patch and deeply feel clichés about loneliness and the top. Why does everyone have a soul patch?
Juliette taps away at her phone while Monster-In-Law strolls through an empty, ornate room that is likely the setting for the reception and tells her that if she has more important business than her own planned-in-one day wedding, she can wait. But not even tour details are as important as Juliette's wedding to cover up her wedding! Monster-In-Law brings up the wedding party. On Sean's side it will feature his cousin as best man. And who will Juliette have in her wedding party? She plans to ask Sean's sister, Dana, to be a junior bridesmaid, and have her "friend Emily" as maid of honor. Monster-In-Law totally busts Juliette on the fact that Emily is her assistant. Even worse, Glen is walking her down the aisle. When Juliette says that her mother can't make it due to the last-minute nature of the wedding, Monster-In-Law acknowledges that rehab facilities must be VERY strict. Thanksgiving with these guys is going to be a picnic, eh? Monster-In-Law pretends to be taken aback at the news that Juliette hasn't yet told her mother about the marriage, and Juliette tries to flip the power dynamic by saying that Monster-In-Law was wrong about her never being part of the family. But taking Sean's virtue by nuptial means is not the same as actually being in the family, Monster-In-Law explains, before implying that she's going to make Juliette's existence even MORE of a living hell.
Poor Rayna is dealing with issues of her own, as she comes home to find Lamar and Tandy lurking in her kitchen. It turns out Lamar is pissed enough that she wants to go on tour now, but taking the kids is beyond the pale. He asks what kind of parent takes their kids out of school (which, fair point), and she notes that he isn't exactly the father of the year to be giving advice. He doesn't waste time in telling her not to even consider a divorce, since custody battles always seem to shine a light on issues of paternity and it would be a shame if Maddie learned the truth about her real father. Wouldn't it be great if Maddie's father wasn't even Deacon but instead was some sort of "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves" type character? Or, like, a distant cousin? Rayna wants Lamar and Tandy to get out, like she always wants Lamar and Tandy to get out.
Back in the tree trunk, Avery has come to get his stuff. He asks if Scarlett plans on getting a roommate, and she sternly says that she'd rather be alone at this point. When he apologizes for banging his way to the top, Scarlett says it's okay since ultimately it was good for both of their careers. If he hadn't done it, she probably would have ended up as "Mrs. Avery Barkley." When he says it still has a nice ring to it, she tells him his future wife will likely enjoy it very much. When Scarlett is being snarky, aggressive, or upset, she really gets more critter-esque than ever. Her eyes turn completely beady and her cheeks puff out defensively, like a little rabid otter. Avery somehow swindles a hug out of her, then tells her that when he looks at her he's still ruined. Funny, I'm only ruined when I hear her speak. The two of them have a brief moment when they look pained, then start furiously going at it. Ah, the true magic of break ups.
Backstage before a Revel Kings photo shoot, Deacon gets his hair did -- with hairspray and everything! -- as the band's lead singer tells him that he actually overdid it with his solo at the last show, in a scene-stealing way. Deacon says he's trying to find a happy medium, then shoos away the lady with the hairspray. When Carmen approaches, he says that all the primping makes him agitated. Carmen mentions the "big Rayna tour," and Deacon is quite surprised to learn that she and Juliette are hitting the road together. He asks who Rayna's got playing guitar for her, and when Carmen asks if it matters he says, "No, just curious." Lies! When the photographer asks Deacon to come stand in the middle of the band, he says he's just fine on the end. Easier to Photoshop out, OR he's just realized that despite his protestations he actually prefers being in the sideshow.
Cut to Juliette and her band practicing "Boys and Buses" at a soundstage with arena set up. Sean walks in at the end of the song, and Juliette runs and jumps on him, giving him a big kiss. I swear, Hayden Panettiere must stand about 2'9". She introduces "my wonderful, handsome...Sean" to the band, then tells them to take five. Sean has come to deliver good news. Or, "good" news. He called the rehab facility where Jolene is staying, and it turns out tomorrow's a family day. They're scheduled to visit at 11:00. Juliette takes this news about as happily as you'd expect. Monster-In-Law told Sean that Juliette said she really wanted him to meet Jolene. Still working all the angles! Juliette explains that she and her mom have a very complicated relationship, and she should probably take this one alone for now. Sean is amenable because he's way nicer than his mom.
Meanwhile, Avery and Scarlett are having post-coital times. When he says, "That was..." she finishes the statement with, "...Never our problem." Her ratty weave sex hair is hilarious, as you might have predicted. He gets a calendar alert on his phone and says he has to go since Dominic wants him back in the studio today. Avery asks Scarlett if she wants to come to Atlanta. Secretly of course she does, but declines, adding that JT and the boys in the band must be over the moon about the deal. Avery has to admit that they're now, instead, under the dumpster. He claims it was not his choice, but this does not appease Scarlett's woodchuck rage. She gives him grief for being selfish and hurtful to the innocent, then tells him, "You leave your keys and get out," in exactly the same voice in which she asked, "Did you sleep with that woman?" which means she is serious. Scarlett is wearing the bedspread at this point, which makes it even harder to take her seriously.
And then we're at rehab! Jolene totally looks NOT cracked out! She's combed her hair and everything! She says that seeing Juliette reminds her what she's working so hard for, then asks if Juliette read her letter. Juliette bluffs that she's not here to talk about the letter, but rather to impart good news: she's getting married. In a big church wedding, just like they always used to talk about while Jolene was serving Juliette 4C iced tea mix for dinner. Jolene does not have the elated reaction that Juliette was expecting, and instead says it's not right. And that's nothing personal about Sean, it's something personal about Juliette. Jolene says that maybe Juliette has a hole so deep inside of her (that's what he said!) and she knows that because she also has a hole deep inside of her (that's what... ew). And if Juliette thinks that vows to a stranger is going to fill that up, she's got some heartache in store. No amount of marrying is going to quiet her demons. Juliette doesn't take MethMom's therapized preaching all that well (and, I mean, she did make the transition from pink macaroni to sweater-wearing wise elder quite quickly), and says that Jolene just can't stand to see her happy. Jolene then asks if Juliette IS happy, and Juliette storms out in response. Now that is the action of a happy woman.
JT shows up at the Bluebird to say hi to Scarlett, who still feels the need to apologize for the fact that Avery is such a jerk. He says that they should form a club called, "Avery's exes," and she jokes that that's a great band name. It at least beats "The Avery Barkley Band." Scarlett is happy to hear that JT and the boys will continue to play, and he says that unlike Mr. Rock Star they're happy to play for beer and pizza. Then they should be living in a suburb of Cleveland. They have a show tonight, which they'll have to cancel while they go on a search for a lead singer. This gives Scarlett another one of her brilliant ideas. Yes, SHE will fill in as lead singer because she is a hero to all mankind! The Mother Teresa of the Nashville stage, with worse hair! JT is of course thrilled because now he too gets to be touched by an angel.
Gunnar is less happy, pouting as he is while trying to write solo at the publishing house. Hailey enters with a beer and tells him that, awkward as it is, she really wants a promotion and at this point that entails patching things up with him and Scarlett. The tension between them is all the buzz, apparently, and everyone knows that they're way better together than apart. And if even Hailey is saying this, you know that Gunnar's solo songs are basically shit.
Rayna then busts into Teddy's office at his campaign HQ, and is angry to find him there with Lamar. Lamar tells Rayna to settle down, because that's his jam. But she will not be settled! Unlike everyone else in the room, she says, she doesn't do exactly what Lamar tells her to do. Teddy, used to being a punching bag for everyone, finally asks what this is all about. Rayna explains that Lamar and Tandy came over for an intervention, and in the process threatened to reveal Maddie's true paternity. And, in a bit of a twist, Teddy already knows that Maddie does not share his gene pool! This is a surprise to Lamar, too.
Teddy finally grows a spine and tells Lamar that Maddie is his daughter, no matter who contributed her DNA. And of course he knew about it, he says to Lamar's shocked python face, because Rayna really is kind of upstanding. If the time comes to tell Maddie the truth, that's up to Teddy and Rayna and not Lamar and his scheming ways. If Lamar ever threatens to destroy that bond again, Teddy says, he'll come for Lamar. Lamar seems to find this last bit highly amusing, and says that unfortunately neither of them understand his intentions. I do think his evil reptilian brain has probably convinced itself that he's trying to save their family, but he has been put in his place just enough not to bust out a, "Mwah ha ha!" or tap his fingertips together ominously.
Then we're back with Deacon, who has lovely ladies pawing at him as he walks offstage with The Revel Kings. One of the Kings tells him that he killed it, and the diva lead singer says that Deacon has finally found the happy medium. He then asks Deacon how he's doing with the whole experience, and Deacon says he's getting used to the volume of it all. Well turn down your hearing aid, Grampa! The band is fundamentally interested in learning if Deacon is on board to ride with them both on the literal and figurative long road that is an international tour. Deacon jokes with them amiably, but then goes to look sullen in the dressing room.
Carmen appears to ask if he's okay, and he says that his head just hurt a little bit. And he forgot to take his Metamucil this morning. He's going back to his hotel (so he can drink a virgin hot toddy and watch Leno in peace!), and Carmen asks if he wants company. He asks if she'll abandon her recorder, and she says she'll trade it for something else. And I don't think she's talking about his stash of Geritol.
Speaking of rock shows, we cut to Scarlett singing lead for The Artists Formerly Known as the Avery Barkley Band. She's rocking out so hard on "Twist of Barbed Wire" that her eyes are crossed the ENTIRE TIME. Of course, with Scarlett's involvement, the band is playing to a larger and more attentive crowd that it has in its entire existence. I will say that she sounds a LOT better than she did on "Ring of Fire," and she's happily lost the baby voice that emerges on a lot of the songs she sings with Gunnar. She and JT toast after the show, and he asks if she wants to join the band permanently. Wouldn't it be great to just have people throwing you dream jobs and shots at fame and fortune all the time? Maybe the scraggly weave is actually infused with some sort of magical success potion?
Meanwhile, Mr. Juliette Barnes is watching game tape at Juliette's house. She enters, and he asks how it went with her mom. Juliette unconvincingly lies that Jolene couldn't be happier. When Sean asks if Jolene will be able to come to the wedding and says how nice it would be to have the whole family there, Juliette suggests that they go somewhere -- like New York. But Sean's position as a godly homebody who has to meet with his trainer at dawn does not allow that. He'd rather spend the evening snuggling with his wife as he watches boring (but relevant to him) football stuff. He says "I love you," and Juliette responds with, "Me too," because she really does enjoy herself a lot as well. At least they have one thing in common.
We're then in the recording studio with Avery and Dominic, who is working on a mix that will "dirty up" Avery's sound. Avery asks if maybe the bass isn't a little TOO dirty, and it's a wonder that Dominic doesn't just clothesline him for back talk. Avery backpedals and says that it sounds great, he's just used to something a little different. Domino's silent associate just shakes his head. Avery then gets a text, and it turns out someone's sent him a video of Scarlett singing lead with his old band. Avery looks stunned, likely because he expects all those he's deserted for fame to be crying into their Holly Hobby dolls.
We then cut to Deacon's hotel, where he and Carmen are in post-coital...something... and she agrees that this was much better than a Q&A. She tells him that he's going to have to do an interview with her eventually, even though his unwillingness to talk about himself is one of his most endearing qualities. Deacon is mostly surprised that he has an endearing quality. Carmen asks if he's okay, and he wonders why everyone keeps asking him that. Um, maybe because he walks around constantly pouting and wondering what Wilford Brimley's doing these days? Carmen says that she knows Deacon too well, and he counters that maybe she should know him well enough to let it go. Carmen apparently tried that once, fourteen years ago, and she still regrets it.
And thus begins another inscrutable conversation with Deacon Claybourne. After he goes to therapy for ten years, maybe we'll be able to understand what he and anybody are talking about during fraught emotional situations. Carmen continues by saying, "Vince's car accident... when I left you guys, you kept drinking, right?" And, if this incident was 14 years ago, that should be toward the end of Rayna and Deacon's relationship, yes? Deacon accuses Carmen of being a reporter, but she says she's being a friend. She's worried about Deacon. Deacon appreciates it, and is going to show her how much in the best of possible ways -- deflecting attention on this uncomfortable topic by banging her. Bottoms up to emotional health!
Back at the Jaymes/Conrad manse, the girls are asleep and so Teddy takes a pillow and heads to the guest room for the night. Rayna breaks the frost between them by telling him that she was grateful for how he stood up to Lamar about Maddie. And that got her thinking about... things. She wants the two of them to be honest with each other, and acknowledges that their troubles aren't about the last few weeks... they're about the last few years. She loves Teddy and has always loved him, even when she really wanted to bang Deacon. But she doesn't know that either one of them are happy. But Maddie and Daphne love both of them, and don't know what's going on in the marriage. And Rayna wants it to stay that way. All they need to know, she says, is mom's going out on tour, and dad's running for mayor. You know, just the normal family stuff.
Rayna has apparently backed off from wanting to take the girls with her full-time, saying that they can come out on the road with her when their school schedule permits. Otherwise, they'll Skype, and she'll come home when she can, just like they've done hundreds of times before. She's gone on hundreds of tours? I know she's old, but damn. Teddy thinks it's a good decision, and says that the tour is the perfect cover both publicly and privately. He reminds her that wants to try to make the marriage work, then leaves to pull out the futon or whatever.
Meanwhile, Juliette is getting her veil positioned in preparation for her wedding. Glen says that she looks lovely, because he likes his brides with lots of boobs. He tells her that photographers are five deep around the church and it's going to be a zoo, then asks if she wants him to ride with her to make sure everything goes smoothly. But she charmingly insists that she can take care of herself. Juliette's assistant then delivers a gift from Sean -- it's his grandmother's cameo necklace. Juliette starts to look a little guilty about what she's doing to this poor, dumb slob.
Scarlett then walks in to the publishing house, where Gunnar is sitting and pouting, per usual, in one of the writers' rooms. He heard about her show with JT and the band, and isn't surprised (is anyone?) when she tells him that they asked her to join up permanently. But she said no, because she would rather stay in this emotionally fraught yet exceedingly dull co-dependent musical relationship with Gunnar. And she's finished the lyrics to the song that caused all the problems earlier. She sings it for him, and has gotten her baby woodchuck of the forest voice back. Hailey spies on them and is hopefully inwardly happy that her promotion is imminent AND that she dumped this weirdo.
Meanwhile, Monster-In-Law is attending to wedding guests, Juliette has a sad in her limo, Deacon paces in his hotel room and throws a copy of Guitar Player magazine with him on the cover in the trash, Sean takes his place at the altar, and Rayna hugs her family goodbye to a tour bus and we get to admire the flawless back of her hair for a lingering moment. And then Juliette's limo driver announces, "We're here." She steps out of the limo, her veil trailing behind her in the wind. And then she gets on a private plane. Well/horribly played!
week: The tour begins and the drama doesn't disappoint! There are fisticuffs! And Juliette wants Sean to sign divorce papers. Guess will see if she really did get that pre-nup, eh?
Potes, too, is still grieving over what happened to Vince 14 years ago. She can be tweeted @traciepotes or emailed at potesypotes@gmail.com.