As our two hour jaunt through the defiling of country music begins, Katie Cook tells us that each contestant is going to get TWO songs tonight. What have we done to deserve such riches? But wait, it gets better. A young rugrat introduces herself as Noah Cyrus, and introduces her daddy and our host, Billy Ray Cyrus. Frankly, I think they should give the hosting job to her. It's sad when young ones surpass the talents of their parents at age seven. At least she got a better name than Destiny Rainbow Hope Sunflower, or whatever Billy Ray and his wife originally named Miley. We learn that the contestants' families are in the audience tonight, too, and surprised them during rehearsals.
The first person Billy Ray tells us has moved on is Ashlee Hewitt, who also has the biggest family in Nashville Star history. Cut to the montage, where Ashlee tells us that she's been missing her family, and especially her dad who is in Iraq. And then, surprise! There's her family! Including her dad! How did he manage that? Interestingly, some of Ashlee's brothers are... brothers. John Rich mentors Ashlee, who wants to play "Don't Stop Believin'" while playing both piano AND guitar. Not at once, though that would surely get her to round five. On stage the piano playing goes pretty well, and the transition to guitar goes okay except she's doing some big rock n' roll strum that John Rich doubtlessly taught her and that looks kind of silly. The vocal is okay. I like Ashlee well enough, but I still have yet to be truly wowed by her singing. Jewel thought the singing was good but Ashlee needs to be more comfortable in her stage maneuvers if she's going to attempt them. Jeffrey calls her The Barbara Mandrell Show. Man, did I love that show when I was a kid. I always thought Louise was underrated. Jeffrey tells Ashlee not to let any flirty boys distract her from her mission to be a music star, and adds that she should stay in her room and practice her songs. Sound advice -- romance is for suckers. Not that I'm bitter or anything. Be on the lookout for my single, "Love (Makes Me Weep Bitterly)." John tells her that her vocals are starting weak and finishing strong, but he thinks that she's slowly climbing to the top of the Nashville Star food chain. I imagine there's a big slab of pulled pork at the bottom of that pyramid.
Katie Cook goes for a quick interview with Ashlee's family. Her dad is so proud, and also probably really glad to be out of the desert. And then it's time for Ashlee's second song -- "Help Me Make It Through The Night." This song is awesome, and I am preparing to be underwhelmed. It's actually pretty good, though -- well, at least the 20 seconds she gets to sing are. Why even bother having a second song if it's going to be so short? John Rich tells her that she sounded like a modern day Tammy Wynette, and adds that she's going to have to toughen up to make it through the few weeks. Nobody else gets to weigh in. Weird!
Coffey -- nay, Cof-FAY -- is the safe contestant. In his mentoring video, Coffey is surprised and delighted to see his daughter, Savannah. She is awfully cute, and Coffey tells us that you don't know what love is until you have a child. Coffey prepares to sing "Hey, Good Looking," which Jewel notes is not a very vocally challenging song. She wants to milk Coffey's voice for all it's worth. However, she wants him to choose his moments and not get all cheese-tastic after every single phrase, like he did last week. On stage he's fine. It's a decent performance -- a little pitchy, but there's nothing either really remarkable or horrid about it. Jeffrey Steele just throws his hands up and says it's too little too late. He is unimpressed. John Rich says that a cowboy hat doesn't make you country, and adds that Cof-FAY got lost on his way to American Idol auditions. He's a good singer, says John Rich, but not a country singer. Cof-FAY throws some Bangs, Texas style attitude. He has counted sheep and cleaned rabbit cages with the best of them, whether John Rich agrees or not. Jewel is diplomatic, and says that she'd love for Coffey to stick around and do a ballad time. And in case you were wondering, Savannah thought her daddy did great. Coffey does 20 seconds of "Take Me Home, Country Roads" for his second song. He is pissed the whole time he's singing it, which is pretty distracting. Jewel seems awfully nervous. The thoughtless words of those around her are breaking her heart. Somehow, though, I doubt that Cof-FAY is always brilliant in the morning.
Hey! Vanessa Williams is in the audience! Looking fly, per usual.
Tommy Stanley is announced as safe. He hasn't seen his family in over a year! His parents are there, and his mother practically starts shaking when she sees him. They seem really sweet. Jewel wants Tommy to be more country after the "Maniac" disaster of last week, as does Tommy's dad. Tommy is ready to do it. He sings "God Bless the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts. Rascall Flats? One or the other. His mom is crying while he sings, which makes me cry, too. Or maybe I'm crying because of the pain from my ears bleeding. I mean, in all fairness, there were some decent parts, but overall it is not great. John Rich thinks that Tommy is a great guy but, like Coffey, he's not a natural country singer. Tommy at least takes his critique like something other than a whiny bitch. Jeffrey Steele tells Tommy that he saw something in him tonight, and he also likes how Tommy handled a rancid note that he hit. Jewel misses Tommy's swagger and personality. It's true that he seemed a little subdued. I think part of his problem is that he doesn't know what to do when he's singing a slower song and can't freak out on stage like a maniac, maniac on the floor.
Katie interviews Tommy's dad, who has become my favorite person on earth in just these past three minutes! He's so cute. He says that he couldn't be no prouder of Tommy. I wish he would get up there and sing some Waylon Jennings or something. You know he can do it. And then before Tommy sings his second song, there's another surprise. Members of his second family -- the U.S.S. Kitty Hawk -- are there, too! Three Navy guys walk on stage and give Tommy huge hugs. They each say a few nice words, and I think there are some man tears happening. I love how the military just gives people some days off to go hang out on the Nashville Star set. I have no idea how Tommy's version of "Tiny Dancer" goes, as the state of Rhode Island has chosen this exact moment to conduct at test of the Emergency Alert System. Unless Tommy actually sings one big beep. Let's just assume it was relentlessly mediocre. Jewel tells Tommy that he's a unique performer, but she doesn't know if he's uniquely country. She also notes that it's hard for Tommy to sing when he's all choked up and surprised that his buddies are there. She thanks Tommy for serving our country. I want to thank those who serve at Denny's. Without them, Moons Over My Hammy would go untasted by millions of Americans. And that, my friends, would be a true affront to patriotism.
The safe performer is Pearl Heart. They're singing "I'll Still Be Loving You." In their mentoring video, the girls cry because they miss their family. And then their dog comes out to say hello, followed by their parents and brother. Jeffrey Steele gets a little tear, and shares with us that he lost a son over two years ago. He has four kids, and says it was the same picture. The song clearly has some personal implications for him, and he makes the girls cry. Jeffrey tells them that if they get it right, with the requisite emotion, he's going to lose it. In a good way. The girls don't know the song, but they want to make Jeffrey proud. On stage, the song has a pretty rough beginning, then hits some niceness, and then, yow. These girls are pitchy. They seem so nice, but for all the talk of sisterly blend they have none of that pow that you get with really tight three-part harmony. The one sister is about to lose her shit, I think. They seem excited about their performance. Jeffrey tells the girls that he got some goose bumps, and that overall they did a fine job. That was diplomatic. John Rich notes that it was a hard song, and that the girls didn't get all of the harmonies right. When they got it right, however, it was really good. Now they have to work on getting it right top to bottom. Jewel likes how the girls stood up during the song, after beginning by sitting on stools. Wow. That's some high praise. I think the judges feel bad being mean to these girls because they're so sweet.
Pearl Heart's parents are happy that Jeffrey Steele is their mentor, because he understands them as artists. They then do their second mini-song, "One Way Ticket." Oh, I do enjoy this song even though I feel like I shouldn't. (And no, it's not this "One Way Ticket," though could you imagine how awesome it would be if it were?) They sound okay. I really think they should employ the harmonies more sparingly, because they don't hit them reliably enough. Jeffrey Steele wants them to step it up a bit, but overall he's so proud of them.
The safe contestant is Melissa Lawson. Oh, yay. I'm glad they didn't make her wait until the end again. In her mentoring video, Melissa is really happy to see her husband and her many male children who dress in bright orange shirts. Melissa's going to play guitar this week as she sings "This One's for the Girls." Her husband plays piano as John Rich harmonizes with her. John Rich tells her to make a gesture towards American women, because we're the ones voting for her. That's all we need, isn't it ladies? A gesture. John is worried that having her family there might distract her, but Melissa says she feels reenergized. Melissa sings her song and, well, all I can say is this: when she tells me I'm beautiful the way I am, I believe it. Curses! John Rich was right! The thing that I really enjoy about Melissa is that she seems to be having the time of her life every time she gets on stage. It's a really solid performance overall. She has a couple of shaky moments and still gets a little shout-y on the bust out parts, but overall I think it's easily the best of the night so far. The audience is cheering so loudly that Jewel has to wait a while before she can give her critique. She loved that Melissa was strong on both ends of her range, and adds that she looks cute, too. Jeffrey loves her and asks what she needs to work on . She says she needs to polish her guitar. John Rich tells her that if Nashville Star was over tonight, she'd be the undisputed winner of the show. Touchdown!
Katie interviews Melissa's husband Rick, who acknowledges that it's been kind of crazy since she's gone. However, this is a dream come true and what the family has been praying for and hoping for for a long time. Rick says that she deserves it. After popping out all those damn kids she sure deserves something. Her youngest son has been busily discovering his own ear during this little audience interview. Oooh! And for her second mini-song, Melissa is singing "Landslide." Starting at the chorus. She does a good job with the 20 seconds she's been given. John Rich tells Melissa to get her nerves under control, because he's worried that they might get the best of her. He says she's by far the best singer on the show, but it's not all about being a singer -- it's about being a star. He adds that she was excellent.
The contestant to move on is Shawn Mayer. She'll be singing "Breathe" by Faith Hill. In her video, Shawn is ecstatic to see her family. John Rich has an itch on his face, which the editors want us to believe is a tear. Nice try. John thinks it's time for America to see the girl side of Shawn Mayer. Quoi? Is it just me who thinks she's always a total sex bomb? Shawn debates between singing "Imagine" and "Breathe." She runs it by her sister who thinks that "Breathe" is the natural choice. John and the rest of Shawn's family agree. We see Shawn getting a pedicure. Girly! And giggling at the musicians. Girly! And twirling around in her pretty green dress. Girly! Okay, we get it. Shawn sings and overall she sounds pretty good. She sure brings the emotion. And she looks so pretty... and girly! I do like her a whole lot. Jewel tells Shawn that she's always liked her raw emotionality. Is emotionality actually a word? I have a hard time believing it. ["I had a hard time believing it too... but spell check and m-w.com seem to deem it a word." -- Angel] Jewel says that Shawn should work on her phrasing, because she's running out of breath. Jeffrey disagrees with Jewel, saying that he likes when Shawn runs out of breath because her voice gets smaller and less ambitious. It's true that she really overdoes it. Jeffrey thinks that she has a lot to work on, but did a good job this week. John Rich asks Shawn if she thinks she's been improving. Shawn thinks she has been. John says that they'll find out. He was impressed by the performance, but is worried because 1) the competition is stiff; 2) Shawn's kind of an emotional wreck. He adds that he was shocked at how well that came off.
Shawn's family wears Shawn Mayer t-shirts, and her dad wants America to know that she's 100% country. Her mom notes that Shawn's wanted to sing since she was a little girl. Haven't we all? Shawn's second song is "Forever and Ever Amen," which is my ultimate country music guilty pleasure. It's just so good. And it reminds me of car trips with my grandma. Shawn's 20-second version of it is so-so. When she ends she says, "God bless Randy Travis." What's up with Randy Travis? Is he ill? I mean, he always looks ill, but I just kind of thought that's just what his face was like. Wikipedia told me nothing, except for the fact that Randy Travis used to be a juvenile delinquent! And married the club manager who gave him his first job! It was actually kind of fascinating. Who knew? John Rich says that Shawn's performance just proved his point about her inconsistency. It's frustrating to see her nail one song, then buff another. He doesn't think she's competitive enough to take this thing all the way.
Jewel's bull-riding boyfriend Ty Murray is in the audience. I bet those two are a very happy couple, which is nice to see. And then Blake Shelton sings his song entitled, "Home." Oh, it's the Michael Buble song! Was it necessary to remake that already? And if you ask my friend Kate, she will tell you that nothing can trump Elliott Yamin's performance of this very song on Idol. I feel like Willie Nelson could also do some damage with this song.
We learn that Gabe Garcia is safe. In his video, he notes that his dad passed away recently. His family seems very sweet, and they assure us that Gabe really isn't shy. To prove this point, perhaps, he's going to sing "Dead or Alive" by Bon Jovi. He's ready to rock out, and have his dad rock out from heaven, too. He performs, and while he doesn't convince me that he's a bad ass, he does convince me that he can saaaaaang. There was nary a note out of place. Jeffrey asks what the hard-core country folks are going to think to see him rocking out, and then tells Gabe that it was great. John Rich tells Gabe that watching him has been like watching paint dry thus far, but he was great and is the best male singer on the show. He still has to get more comfortable on stage, but overall it was a good job. Jewel wants Gabe to flirt with the audience. John Rich interprets this as Jewel wanting Gabe to flirt with her. Can you imagine actually having to, like, spend the night with John Rich? At the Ponderosa or whatever? Horrors.
Katie Cook interviews Gabe's brother and niece, both of whom are exceptionally proud. For his short second song, Gabe sings, "The Fireman" by George Strait. It's great. Gabe and Melissa Lawson in the final two! Jewel loves him, and John Rich adds that he can make hit country records all day long.
So, as you may have figured out, Alyson Gilbert and Laura & Sophie are in the bottom two. Each will perform one song, and whoever survives elimination will get to sing their second song. Alyson is up first singing Trisha Yearwood's "She's In Love with the Boy." We relive her going against John Rich's advice, and her giving him the finger afterwards. Whoa! Alyson sees her husband and her mom and seems pleasantly surprised for a moment before getting back to business. Alyson's mom ensures that the band and Alyson stick to John's vision. She's worried that it might be too little too late for Alyson. Alyson is so weird, because I think she totally has a voice, but can't manage not to biff it at some point during the song. There are some good moments, and then a lot of creepy eyes, and then some pitch monstrosities. Jewel notes that the eyeballs are back, and also tells Alyson that she needs to go away for a while and get some soul and some hurt. She doesn't feel anything, and also doesn't know what Alyson's head-trip is and why she isn't singing better. Jeffrey is in agreement. He says that Alyson has a beautiful voice, but he's disappointed in her performances. John Rich thinks that Alyson listened well to him, and that she has moments of brilliance. But moments don't make it at this level, and Alyson's not brilliant from beginning to end. It's too bad for her. I do think she's kind of a head case, too.
Finally, we have Laura & Sophie. Way to go, America, for putting these two in the bottom two! They're singing "Walking on Sunshine," because Jeffrey thinks it will be good to rock them up. Their families enter their rehearsals, and the girls start bawling. Jeffrey says it's a beautiful thing. The girls are ready to work their butts off and make the song perfect. Laura (or Sophie?) rocks an electric guitar. By "rocks" I mean "strums once." The girls try their hardest and there are some good moments in there, but overall the whole thing is, like everything Laura & Sophie, just kind of weird. Jewel tells the girls that given the cool arrangement the song should have been really great. Emphasis on the "should have been." She points out that Sophie (or Laura?) looked like she was about to fall apart in the middle of the song. Sophie (or Laura?) didn't think she was falling apart. John Rich says that these two are some of the sweetest girls ever, but they came off like high school girls at a high school talent show. It's true. They should have waited until the one got rid of her braces before signing up for this competition, at the very least. If the girls happened to win the show, says John Rich, it would be the worst possible thing to happen to them at this point. The music business would chew them up and spit them out, and he doesn't want to see that happen. They're a few years away from becoming superstar material, and right now they're little girls. Jeffrey tells them that he was proud of their work, but if they squeak through this week, they need to really think about how to make this work. The one with the braces is a millisecond away from bursting into tears. It's pretty sad.
So now we finally get to learn who goes home. After many a pregnant pause. And it's Alyson who gets the boot. She seems okay with it, in that "okay" way that translates to "dead inside and needing years of intensive therapy." Oh, but then she cries a little. Oh, and then she cries kind of a lot. John tells Alyson that the whole panel thinks she's a great singer, and that she should keep pushing forward and figure out what her "combination" is. She has a great future ahead of her if she gets tough and gets focused, he says. Alyson bids us adieu, to enthusiastic applause from her mom.
Laura & Sophie provide the coda to the evening with "Because of You." Braces has some seriously rank high harmony moments. Jeffrey tells them that they have the least to lose in this game. They're hanging by a thread, and need to find a way to get to the level. Keep it tight and keep it together, he says, or face doom. Maybe wearing non-matching clothes might be a key to their success? Just a thought.
And with that, there are eight! And week, two people are going home! Oh, thank heaven. And one will be gone within the first five minutes. Thank heaven again! Oh, and WAIT. The entire Cyrus family, I guess, minus Miley who is too busy earning all the money to keep the mom in jewel encrusted tank tops, is standing by Billy Ray as he wraps things up. This includes Billy Ray's punk son, who I think is wearing a wig to cover his face. He is the singularly most uncomfortable person I've ever seen on this show, and that's saying a lot. I would read his tell-all, particularly if it came out in leaflet form.
Have a happy and safe Fourth of July, everyone! And play some Merle!
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