I never thought this day would come; after two awesome regular seasons, one awesome celebrity season (Kathy Griffin!), and one terrible celebrity season (Dennis Rodman?), I never thought The Mole would be back on television. And yet, here it is, and I am psyched. It's got me all nostalgic for past players -- remember Katie? And Bribs? And Darwin? Aw, Darwin. You were my favorite. I'll miss Andy Cooper and all, but this Jon Kelley looks promising. So let's get to it.
The first location is Los Angeles, Chile. The episode starts with like five minutes of scenic vistas, which is nice, but if they're trying to draw in new viewers, I don't know if this is the best editing strategy. People who are just flipping through are going to think they landed on one of those DVDs my in-laws like to watch that generally includes aerial footage of, like, Italy with classical music playing in the background. Snoozefest! Jon Kelley explains that twelve Americans are there to play a game "that will change their lives forever." He explains how the game works for you noobs; the players will complete missions and have the opportunity to earn money for the pot. One of the players is being paid to sabotage the missions -- that player is The Mole. Each week, the players will take a quiz about The Mole and the player with the lowest quiz score will be eliminated. At the end, the last remaining non-Mole player will win the money in the pot. It's that simple! I don't know why the ABC execs are always doing interviews about how complicated this show is to understand. I mean, the strategy is kind of complicated, but the actual rules of the game are pretty simple. So here are our players:
- Victoria, 26, a retail manager from Texas
- Mark, 42, a teacher/soccer coach from Wisconsin
- Bobby, 25, a restaurant manager from Philly
- Marcie, 31, a stay at home mom from California
- Nicole, 33, an OB/GYN from Chicago
- Paul, 29, a utility worker from Yonkers
- Alex, 31, a musician from Pennsylvania
- Liz, 60, a retiree from Montana
- Ali, 24, a model from St. Louis
- Clay, 32, an attorney from Pennsylvania
- Craig, 30, a graphic artist from San Diego
- Kristen, 35, a neuroscientist from Santa Monica
So, initial thoughts. There are a lot of people from Pennsylvania in this cast. And also, what's up with the model from St. Louis? I didn't know that was a fashion center. I feel like I've seen Craig before on some reality show but I think he just looks a lot like one of the guys from one of the seasons of Average Joe that got eliminated, like, the first night. Everyone else is pretty whatever at this point.
So everyone joins Jon standing to a waterfall at night, and it's apparent that Bobby is like twenty feet tall and weighs maybe a buck ten soaking wet. He is one skinny mofo is what I'm saying. He reminds me of Mitchell from Survivor (and every other reality whore convention since his season). Jon immediately wants everyone to vote on who they most suspect of being The Mole. A vote is taken, and everyone suspects Marcie, the stay at home mom. Marcie interviews that she was psyched, because you want everyone to think you're The Mole. Well, only if you're not The Mole. So I guess she's not.
Marcie's prize for seeming suspicious is that she gets to make all the decisions in the first challenge. Jon explains that tourists used to take rafts right to the edge of the waterfall for an old-timey roller coaster type effect, except once a German tour guide accidentally sent his raft over the edge and everyone died. Oops. Jon explains the mission: they will each get on a raft and sail over the edge, trying to snag a burlap money bag on the way down. He doesn't mention the part where they will be tied to a harness so they won't actually die, which causes a little shock and concern at first. Six of the bags will have $10,000 in them, and the other five will just have fake Mole money, and Marcie gets to decide who gets what. The players won't know if their bag contains money or not until the mission is over. While Marcie makes her decision, the other players discuss that they may be required to sleep to the waterfall or something. Craig points out that this is the least of their concerns, since they're about to JUMP over a WATERFALL. Everyone laughs. Craig is the jolly fat guy.
First up is Alex, who doesn't seem to steer his raft very well, and doesn't even really come close to grabbing the bag. But he went first, so I'll cut him some slack; he didn't have the advantage of watching to see how other people handled it. Ali interviews that she thought Alex was athletic and would get it with no problem. Ali is up , and after a few prayers, she almost gets the bag, but can't hang onto it. It seems that most of the players are really concerned about managing the line that connects to their harnesses, which is kind of in the way. Clay is up , and he's the first to actually grab the bag. Marcie interviews that she was isolated from the group during the mission, so she didn't get to chat and get to know the others, which sucked.
Kristen goes and explains that, as a neuroscientist, she knew she could do it. Because in neuroscientist school, I'm sure there is a three-credit course on jumping for bags of maybe-money while going over a waterfall on what is essentially a wooden pallet. Shut up, Kirsten. Bobby goes and surprise! He's worried he might die. This is kind of a recurring theme for Bobby, you'll find. He thinks he might end up hanging himself with the line, but he grabs the bag anyway. Liz the Old Lady (she's feisty!) also grabs the bag, bless her heart. Paul the Blue Collar Guy wanted to get the bag so his daughter won't think he's a loser. I think she'll believe that for so many reasons, not the least of which is that he misses the bag. Victoria's helmet has a green fingerprint on it, and no one else's did. Is she The Mole? She loses her footing and ends up sitting on her butt, so she can't really jump for the bag. Craig is worried that the line is too weak to hold his considerable body weight. He's the Hurley. He also fails to get the bag and everyone freaks out like the line really snapped or something, but it turns out that his weight caused his harness to nearly choke him. Good planning, show.
After commercials and the reveal that Craig didn't die after all, Nicole the OB/GYN also slips and falls on her ass, but her raft goes right under the bag, so she gets it after all. Mark the Super Veiny Soccer Dad says that he sees losing as failure and luckily he manages to get the bag, so there are no massacres or anything.
Jon calls everyone over to reveal who got real money and who got Mole Money. Nicole, Kristen, Bobby, and Liz get Mole Money. Kristen is kind of surprising because she's tall and athletic, so you'd think Marcie would pick her. Mark and Clay get real money so the group gets $20,000 for this mission. Various people express suspicions of Marcie. Jon hands out the journals, and the one he holds up has the number 11 on it, in case that's important. Jon explains that Marcie will also get to decide the sleeping arrangements; eight of them will sleep inside a cabin and four will sleep outside in the cold. Marcie says that Nicole, Liz, Craig, and Bobby will sleep outside. It would have been interesting to hear (either in front of the group or in an interview) what Marcie's rationale was, but it goes untold. Jon reminds them that they have to sleep where they are assigned, and Nicole immediately starts bitching about sleeping outside. She claims, "I don't have to do anything but stay black and die," and I must admit that once in a while I wish I could say that. "Stay white and die" doesn't have the same ring to it. Once they reach the cabin, Nicole gets all Omarosa (which, no thanks, we already have one, and we'd like to send her back) and claims that she just won't sleep and then she can stay inside. This never gets mentioned again, so apparently she really did stay awake all night, and didn't get punished for it. The players all take time to write observations in their journals.
The morning, Nicole is still acting all huffy and wishing for a blow dryer. Craig sits in a chair and it breaks. Because he's fat! Ha ha! Paul and Marcie step aside and decide to form a coalition but don't actually exchange any information. The players get a video message from Jon and are told to prepare to go for the beach. Paul takes charge and decides that he and Alex are going to be the drivers. Bobby interviews that Paul and Alex have "the dumbest coalition ever" because it's so obvious.
The players arrive on an island and Jon asks them who they think is the group's biggest whiner. There's no secret ballot this time, and Nicole wins handily. She interviews, "I don't whine. I just voice my opinion. What's wrong with being smart and gorgeous at the same time?" Nothing, except she doesn't seem much of either. She's obviously sort of smart, since she's a doctor, but she has zero people skills. Either that, or she really wants camera time. Can you imagine her being your chooch doctor? Jon tells the group the story of Alexander Selkirk, a sailor in 1704 whose captain got sick of his whining and dropped him off on a deserted island, which is the story that led to the novel Robinson Crusoe. As the whiner, Nicole gets to choose the teams for the mission. She chooses Craig, Marcie, Alex, Bobby, Victoria and Clay as the scavengers, Kristen, Liz, and Mark as the appraisers, and Paul and Ali as the timekeepers.
Jon explains that there are forty-five items scattered on the beach, and their mission is to find the five items that Selkirk had with him when he was stranded in 1704. The scavengers will go and find items and bring them back to the group. The assessors will decide which five items Selkirk had and place them on a table. When they think they have the correct five items, they will ring a bell and be told how many they have correct. They get to ring the bell three different times. The timekeepers will be racing up and down some stairs to a platform in order to keep dumping sand into a giant hourglass; when the sand runs out, the game is over. Each correct item found is worth $5,000.
Jon starts the sand flowing through the hourglass, and everyone scatters to start doing their jobs. Well, most of them do. The female scavengers take off, but Craig and Bobby both sort of wander aimlessly. Nicole is annoyed that Mark, a history teacher, can't seem to figure out what would be available in 1704. Mark interviews that the scavengers wasted time bringing back items that are ridiculous, like a vacuum and an electric fan. Bobby is practically having a heart attack after walking for a few minutes. The appraisers finally get their first combination together: a Victrola, a bowler hat, an antique battery, a Bunsen burner, and a goat. They have one item right. Liz interviews that she was sure Selkirk had a Victrola, but now she's thinking it was the Swiss Family Robinson. I like Liz. Paul and Ali are getting exhausted climbing up and down stairs with buckets of sand so things are not looking good all around.
The scavengers finally bring some more items back and the appraisers prepare to try a new combination of items: a camera, a Bible, a Mason jar, a musket, and a goat. Jon tells them that they have three correct items. The scavengers only have 28 of the 45 items found, and the timekeepers (Paul in particular) are out of steam. The appraisers prepare their third and final combination as the game ends. Jon goes through the items. First is a revolver, which wasn't invented until 1845. Bzzt! are a musket and the Bible, which are both correct. A pair of blue jeans is wrong, since they were invented in 1873. And finally, the goat, also correct. The team earns $15,000 for the pot. Paul is disgusted that these allegedly smart people picked such dumb items. Come to find out, the correct items were not brought in by the scavengers, so it's not the appraisers' fault. Victoria is pissed at how poorly they are doing, although she's not sure if it's the group's fault, or the Mole's fault. Jon explains that the final two items were tobacco and a teakettle. He adds that part of the deal is that Nicole (a.k.a. Dr. Whiner) will be staying by herself on the island while everyone else gets to go back and have a nice dinner. Nicole pretends like she doesn't care, but it's gotta hurt when everyone cheers and applauds at the news that they don't have to spend any more time with you.
While Nicole starts a fire on the beach, the other players discuss who acted suspiciously during the mission. First on the list is Bobby, and second are Paul and Alex. Speaking of Paul and Alex, they are conspiring as well. Paul tries to lead Alex to suspect Marcie, since Paul is in a coalition with Marcie, and is pretty sure she's not The Mole. That's actually pretty smart. The only thing is, in past seasons, The Mole has had a secret coalition that we, the viewers, didn't even know about until the final episodes. So if they're showing a coalition this early, I don't think either of these guys is The Mole.
The players arrive at dinner and discuss how they are not missing Nicole at all. Paul interviews that Craig is his main suspect currently. The players talk about how they are anxious and can't trust each other. Jon keeps trying to make them feel more and more nervous, and he needs to let up a little. He's been a decent host so far, but he's getting a little annoying. Mark interviews about how he and his wife both work multiple jobs, and he wants to win the money so his wife won't have to work anymore and can be home with the kids. He actually starts crying, so at first I was sure he's not The Mole, but The Mole does get paid. Then again, he mentions wanting to make as much money as possible, and I think The Mole gets a flat fee. Eh, why am I even trying to figure it out in the first episode? I never get it right.
The players take the quiz, and all express suspicion about other players, as per usual. You can find the quiz questions at ABC's website, although as of this writing, the site is down. Mark makes a good point when he says that Craig failed in the first mission, and yet everyone cheered for him. He thinks Craig has the perfect Mole cover in that he can fail at missions but he's so likable that people cheer even at his failure.
The quiz ends and the players file in for the first execution. I notice Nicole isn't with the group; Jon points that out to the players and pulls Nicole up live via satellite to inform her that she gets an exemption this week since she's not there. Everyone is pissed, but you knew that was coming, right? Jon gets right to the reveal. I miss Anderson's laptop, where he typed in the players' names to see if they were safe. It's been changed to a touch screen, which just looks kind of awkward. After Ali, Victoria, Paul, Bobby, and Mark, are revealed to be safe, Marcie is executed. As usual, everyone talks about her like she's dead instead of just going home, but at least no one cries. Yet. Clay is the only cool customer who admits that he's glad it's Marcie instead of him, and I kind of admire that. Also, Paul seemed overly anxious about whether or not he was going home. He drama-queened it up, which was kind of suspicious to me. Bobby was also anxious, but his hands were shaking and he seemed near tears, so it wasn't as suspicious to me.
My current Mole pick: Clay. You heard it here first. And I'm never...well, I'm pretty much always wrong, so don't go betting on it or anything.