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That investigator who keeps trying to prove that Tom committed suicide shows up at Karen's office to try and prove that Tom committed suicide. Turns out "new information" maybe have turned this into a criminal investigation of Widow Grey's insurance fraud, said new info being the fact that she dismissed their hospice nurse the night she helped her husband die. No Sam this week, but still some excellent movement in this plot:
After an attack of the What Would Hilary Clinton Do's, Karen decides that she should probably write a whole medical history that completely invalidates everything she told the guy before, so that it looks like Tom committed suicide, and that way everybody can move on. It's fairly moving, in the end: This idea of actually writing out the narrative of your lover's death, as a favor to his wife, with complete license to make it even darker and sadder than it actually was, even perhaps by virtue of your not being a part of it.
April and Hot Dad Richard (last seen giving her the cold shoulder for being a beautiful disaster) are called to the principal's office because their daughters took the morning off to meet Selena Gomez, which sparks two things: First, a rekindling of that April/Richard magic (their chemistry being one of the best and most authentic things about the show)...
And secondly, a conversation with Precocious Lucy, who brings a fair amount of reason and gravitas to helping April figure out that Lucy's only being rebellious because April is such a doormat she's even, for example, leveraging their entire future to pay for this con woman's mysterious ghost-schemes. So when Richard shows up at the boutique and they fuck it out in one of her show beds, it's not only the sweetest thing -- seems like we've been waiting forever! -- but a classic rom-com trope: Can the goody-goody cut loose? (Turns out you can do that without looking like a total borderline, if you don't use it as a weapon. Joss, I'm lookin' at you.)
Actually Joss is doing fine. I think she might be the MVP this week, if it weren't for Savi. It starts rough, she finally hooks up with Alex, but just when it's getting to insufferable levels of straight privilege I don't even have time to explain, everybody decides to cut loose with all the real talk they've been assiduously denying Joss so far on the show: Harry points out that sleeping with Alex was an act of sabotage against their friendship, and then Sally unloads a righteous mouthful about how Joss very specifically helped Alex take their marriage apart from the inside out.
It's gratifying, not because of seeing Joss brought low, but because it gives her the opportunity to really think her shit through, and so by the end -- when she's once again ignoring Generic Blonde Hunk to run off to Alex -- it's a much less bittersweet affair. And they hit every note, too, you get so many different Josses over the hour as she takes the info onboard and processes it. She might be smarter than her sister. Plus, Joss in new-to-friendship mode is possibly the most romantic and innocent thing the show has to offer; it balances her character out beautifully. I'd say they bought whatever happens with Alex, at this point, and redeemed Harry a ton in the process.
But best and finally, Savannah. She spends the entire episode being even more unreasonable than before, but this time you can see more clearly how the various strands in the web are pulling tight around her: Harry's starting to figure out she's pregnant, Dominic is playing up their attraction at work, and everybody's being super demanding about stuff she's not even allowed to think about. Harry puts her through an EPT, during which she discovers she's spotting...
But before you can say Sliding Doors Convenient Miscarriage, she's breaking down in tears of relief, because she's no longer ambivalent about the baby! Which is doing fine! I mean, whatever. Reduce your stress and watch your blood pressure, and everybody knows spotting is normal you idiot. But get this, when she comes back from the appointment to a softly weeping (and more attractive, inside and out, than ever before) Harry, she looks him right in the goddamn eye and says: "I am pregnant. And I don't know if it's yours."
All of which begs the question, what do you do with a pack of bad-decision-making ladies when they start being great at life? I don't know. I guess terrible things will continue to happen to them. Bastard Babymama lurks yet. Harry is going to shit a brick, presumably. And Karen will no doubt get back up to her usual nonsense in addition to this new terrible idea she's got going, but still: Not a bad time to be a lady on this show.
A phrase I despaired of ever typing, given the lack of respect this particular generation of Hollywood tends to show women -- usually in service to "camp," which at this point is just another word for "misogyny" and makes no sense to the rest of us -- but leave it to playwright Jordan Budde to bring that GCB magic: This was the first episode where they seemed like real, human women, with actual journeys. I forgot it was my job.
Week: Harry loses his goddamn mind, that mean hostess from the restaurant probably gets an inch in, and Dominic seems to be back in the mix. Olivier comes back, I think. Hopefully we can see some Sam since there's a break-in at Karen's office. Richard sticks around, for now. And Karen probably invents the atomic bomb by accident and then sells it in a garage sale.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!PREVIOUSLY
Karen Kim erased her lovers' files from her computer in anticipation of an investigation into his insurance-voiding assisted suicide: Problem solved! Joss destroyed a gay marriage and invited the one she's going to sleep with to come stay at her house: Problem solved! Savannah submitted for a paternity test about the baby she may have ended up with after a one-night stand: Problem solved! April Malloy paid her dead bigamist husband's secret con-man family's medical bills: Problem solved!
THIS AM
While Karen Kim practices the Eastern Arts of Self-Defense for some reason, and April dead-eyed stares into space not caring if her invisible progeny lives or dies, and Savannah showers and rubs her belly and wonders what could be inside it, Joss has sex with one of those hunks she's always having sex with. Maybe it's the same one, maybe actually it's just the same one every time* and she is actually mistaken about her distaste for monogamy. Maybe she can't recognize faces and that's why she acts so confusing. Perhaps she has mistaken him for a hat. But one thing she will never mistake for a hat is sex, because sex is her best thing that defines her because she is a free spirit.
*(I think in this case I'm wrong by being right and it's the same one, it's the guy that walked Jenna Thing into [SPOILER]'s funeral even though she is no longer [SPOILER] at the moment, whom we have not officially met on the show yet but I believe is named Nigel. I would imagine he wears more clothes on PLL than here, or at least more often. Shame.)
KITCHEN
Harry: "I had a dream about a mummy's tomb and Madonna, but I think the punchline of this joke has to do with her singing and not the fact that she is actually a mummy from a tomb."
Savi: "I don't know what a mummy is but I guess I'm supposed to feel jealous."
Harry: "In the dream I was looking for you, but I couldn't find you. It was reductive and stupid and I guess I don't understand how dreams work even though I have them every night."
Savi: "I have so much work to do! I am a busy, busy businesswoman!"
Harry: "Your kiss. You taste... Pregnant. Or like a pennychewer."
Savi: "Is that a derogatory term in Australia?"
POOLHOUSE
Alex: "I didn't realize you would have a naked man in your bed this morning! Just kidding, you always do because you are a sex addict."
Joss: "Men are so dumb and don't get me. There is no emotional connection."
Alex: "That sounds great, actually. Less talking and feeling. I have been breaking up with my lesbian wife for over four thousand years since last we spoke."
Joss: "I am so sorry that it finally happened after all that talking and me doing everything I could to make sure that it happened."
Alex: "I found an apartment without your help. It is close to a yoga studio. Will you move my stuff into it?"
Joss: "Only if you provide me with a vagina vacation, meaningless sexual stand-in."
MAISON PAR LA MER
Accountant: "You don't have very much liquidity, despite your store's name."
April: "I have to get defensive! Even though you are just saying facts! My money is all tied up in throw pillows and wine!"
Accountant: "What is this really about? Are you trying to loan money to a Nigerian prince again? Or a mermaid? Or wait, no. It was a ghost. Are you loaning money to a ghost? As your CPA I highly do not recommend that."
April: "It is kind of to a ghost. Well, the bastard of a ghost. It is for school vouchers for a ghost bastard, so he doesn't have to go to public school with poor people like himself."
Accountant: "I quit."
April: "I don't have time for that, my daughter's school just called."
Jacob: "Did she come down with a case of the invisibles?"
April: "She didn't show up for school today!"
Jacob: "Nailed it."
KAREN'S OFC
Her one hot coworker Jacob and her one terrible assistant are there to be very excited for her because she is going to be a keynote speaker and Hilary Rodham Clinton is going to be there and, I don't know, Beyoncé. What is it for? Korean stuff. Yeah apparently Dr. Karen Kim invented Koreans and now they are all over southern California. That's what they're telling me.
Karen: "I don't even remember doing that. But Beyoncé! I wonder if she knows Young Jeezy. I wonder if I can take my child lover that I am the babysitter of."
Dr. Jacob: "Dude I wish I invented Koreans."
Karen: "You're right, I am a superstar."
Newsome: "I am interrupting. Ahem, I mean, am I interrupting?"
Karen: "Gotta go, you guys. This dumb investigator is investigating me, it's so stupid."
LAW FIRM
Savi: "What is that laughter? I hate laughter! Oh, it's some perfectly nice blonde lady talking to Dominic, a coworker I mentally and emotionally abuse and in return he sexually harasses me at work. I am sure I can find a way to be angry about this."
She does.
Harry: "I figured out why your breath is weird, it's because you're pregnant. You knocked-up ol' pennychewer!"
Savi: "Great. This is very good news. I am very excited about this news."
Harry: "Even though you don't want this baby and consider both it and me burdens holding you back from world domination?"
Savi: "Certainly not because this pregnancy is probably getting hardcore aborted in about one minute."
Harry: "Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you taste pregnant. So think about that all day until you vomit. Cheerio!"
KAREN
Newsome: "I'm going to act totally normal, okay?"
Karen: "I am going to act totally crazy and suspicious, if you don't mind."
Newsome: "Can I have the files about your patient that obviously committed suicide, so the insurance company can void the widow's fraudulent claim and put you both in jail?"
Karen: "I am not comfortable with that! Because of doctor-patient confidentiality! Plus other reasons, like the sanctity of my profession!"
Newsome: "That is fucking rich, Dr. Karen Kim the Licensed Psychiatrist."
Karen: "Well, my answer is no. Investigate my ass as I walk away. Out of my own office."
Newsome: "Do you not get that this is becoming a criminal investigation?"
Karen: "Call my bluff, willya."
JOSS & ALEX: SO STEAMY!
Joss: "Whew! What a hike. I am going to take a shower, you stay in the living room."
Alex: "Or come in the shower and fuck you?"
Joss: "I guess so. I have deep-seated problems."
Alex: "And I am the kind of gay person that climbs in a shower with people. Nobody looks good here."
Joss: "We both do."
Alex: "Yeah, touch my breast with your giant claw."
Joss: "I love the taste of your long-last lip color."
Alex: "Later let's buy dirndls."
Joss: "And we can make a freegan salad from things in my sister's kitchen."
Alex: "But first let's have shower sex. The second-most disappointing sex, after beach."
Joss: "You can do stuff to me for starters, and then we'll see."
Alex: "Who is this even for?"
Joss: "I guess boring straight people who want to feel like they're interesting for watching two chicks pretend to have barely visible making out."
Alex: "Yeah, I guess things are going so great for gay people this is the logical step."
LUCY'S DUMB SCHOOL
April runs around all Terms Of Endearment yelling in everybody's face because her daughter is missing. But since she's missing from school I don't know how the people of school are going to help with that. The woman is finally so fed up that she just starts dicking with April talking about, like, "Everything will be explained to you... in time" and April almost hits her and then the Principal comes out -- and she is a doozy -- and leads her back to the office, where Hot Dad Richard is.
The Hope: That this is some kind of Parent Trap scenario Lucy and his kid hooked up so that he will finally take his clothes off on this show.
The Reality: Lucy and Richard's kid are scam artists who talked some dumb lady who drives a Hummer into taking them along to a bookstore so they could meet Selena Gomez.
I know who that is from Spring Breakers, a wonderful film that tells how life really is. I spent the rest of this scene trying to picture Demi Lovato in my mind's eye, until I remembered I still don't know who that is even though I feel like it's been about ten years I've been hearing that name.
Anyway, April continues screaming at everybody, which is not gaining her any points with Hot Richard, who already thinks she is a hot mess and for one very good reason: She is one. He doesn't know about the babymama offensive and how now she's actually trying to get money for this woman, but if he did maybe he would finally understand what a chump she is. I am so tired of waiting for them to be in love!
SAVI
"Uh, why would I be doing work at work? Listen, I still don't understand causation or how time works so I don't understand how you can't just produce instant paternity test results for me. Can I throw money at this problem? I feel like a pennychewer over here."
That blonde lady is once again fawning all over Dominic and laughing absurdly loud directly outside Savannah's office. In a less haphazard universe than the one this show has heretofore presented us, I would venture to suggest that perhaps Dominic is engineering these moments to make Savannah jealous. But if the show has any agenda at all, it seems to be proving that Savannah is a bitch for no reason, so that already unlikely scenario -- being that he is a grownup -- becomes even less likely.
Pregnancy waits for no man, and she has been pregnant for what, three weeks, and so once the paternity people assure her that screaming like a jackass will not make the baby any more one-way-or-the-other, she storms out into the hallway to punish the laughing woman for being a woman and talking to a coworker, saddling her up with "motions" and pushing her out into the terrifying LA highway system with nothing to guide her to Van Nuys but a thing called the internet that is instantly accessible via a device we all have on our persons at this very moment.
Dominic: "I can give you directions!"
Savi: "No, you can't."
Dominic: "Because it is 2013 and we have the internet now?"
Savi: "No! Because you're not allowed to be happy or talk to a single human being until I figure out this baby problem I created for myself and now feel like taking out on everybody. Good day, sir."
Dominic: "I feel like I'm getting to her. Is what a rapist would say."
KITCHEN
Harry walks in on Joss and Alex acting gay and feeding each other grapes and swanning around in kimonos and whatever and walks right out, because what is this. This is not a life.
Alex: "So you're not gay, if you were wondering."
Joss: "It was gay the sex we had, but I personally am not gay."
Alex: "Yeah, I know."
Joss: "And I can't be your girlfriend, for that and other reasons."
Alex: "Yeah, I know."
Joss: "I mean I feel like you're really coming on strong here."
Alex: "I could not be less interested. I like that you're my friend, because I have no other friends for some reason, but I don't want to date you and I honestly don't want to have sex with you again."
Joss: "Look just stop being in love with me so we can be friends again."
Alex: "What is even... WTF. Uh, okay. Basics. You're very pretty. You're my friend. We had sex. It is over now, now we are eating grapes. What are you not getting about this?"
Joss: "But now I own you because of sex!"
Alex: "Nope."
Joss: "But who... Did you subjugate me? Who is it versus?"
Alex: "Straight people are sooooo grooooossssssss."
Joss: "If I can't have sex with you and then immediately denigrate your humanity and talk about how stupid or useless you are, or immediately disconnect from our relationship, then why even go through with it? Does that even count as sex? Do I even exist?"
Alex: "Um, stop. It was fun and it felt good and we like each other. You're being gay about being gay, which is ten times weirder than just being gay, which isn't even weird."
Joss: "Which one was the guy one? Oh my God, was I the guy one?"
Alex: "I should go. I have a yoga class to teach or learn yoga at or whatever my deal is."
GREY (& NOT THE GOOD ONE)
Widow Grey: "Is this about Sam?"
Karen: "God no. You know what's weird is that we're constantly hanging out. But what's even weirder than that is, did you know Newsome is thinking maybe this is a criminal matter?"
Widow Grey: "I guess because it is. Because we are both criminals."
Karen: "He said it was new info, though. How can that be?"
Widow Grey: "Well, the night I put a pillow over my husband's face until he was dead from the drugs you prescribed, I did send the hospice nurse home early."
Karen: "That sounds suspicious to me, and I don't know jack about shit."
Widow Grey: "I mean I was just like, It's cool, Cora, you just take the night off. And probably tomorrow. And you should probably get your résumé together. Why would she find any of that out of the ordinary?"
The Widow Grey works herself up into a Wellbutrin frenzy, puts on some giant Jackie shades, and abruptly stomps away from brunch. These people cannot finish a meal. Plus I don't even know why she's so mad. It's her crazy ass that is doing all of this. Remember how Savannah was like, "Did you by any chance kill your husband?" and Lady Grey was all, "You are not my supervisor!" and that was the end of the conversation? Imagine her with Newsome, whose face let's be honest is a little bit punchable.
DAVIS HOUSE
Harry: "Good morning! My mood is unctuous."
Savi: "You were sleeping so soundly! Which is code for, I don't want to deal."
Harry: "Hey, I bought a pregnancy test! It is for testing for pregnancy!"
Savi: "I have a 'meeting' in twenty minutes, I don't have time for your happiness."
Harry: "Oh. Okay, we can do it later! No problem!"
Savi: "Ugh. I am never ever coming home. Or when I do, I will not pee. You just try and make m... Oh, now I have to pee. Bye!"
APRIL & KAREN (& LYIN' ASS SAVI)
April: "My Lucy? Cutting school?"
Karen: "And how about this dumb bitch that drove 'em?"
April: "I put Visine in her kombucha and now she shits blood. Take that, Selena Gomez."
Karen: "That's a healthy outlet. So what's this about you being poor?"
April: "I'm still rich, just not liquid enough to give money to this chick that is obviously taking me for a ride."
Karen: "That sounds like the right amount of liquidity for a ghost whisperer such as yourself."
April: "I wish instead of dollars, I could pay her with vicious kicks in the box."
Karen: "I have been doing a lot of kickboxing, actually, to deal with my own stress."
April: "Oh, are we talking about you?"
Savi: "No, we're talking about me."
Ladies: "Have you told him anything? We're almost halfway through the season."
Savi: "No, I am still just stewing in my own misery."
Karen: "You do know that eventually your pregnancy will be visible?"
Savi: "I'm kind of hoping the world will end first. Because I'm a grownup lady!"
April: "He doesn't suspect?"
Savi: "Oh, he knows. He smelled it on my penny-munching breath."
Karen: "The female body is a house of horrors. But you need to come clean."
Savi: "Then what would I do for a storyline?"
Ladies: "Dominic, obvi. Do you not know the name of this show?"
KITCHEN
Joss: "Harry, you look amazing in those clothes that are vaguely the same thing you always wear! I see you went to the farmer's market and bought out all the farmers... Oh, and I see that your visit to the farmer's market has somehow caused you to smell horrible."
Harry: "You need to stop fucking your friends. That is the opposite of a free spirit. That is a free radical."
Joss: "Stop judging me by my actions that would be visibly destructive from space!"
She pretends a giant cucumber is a penis, for two sad reasons at least. (If you were watching video of child therapy and the kid did this in the middle of a serious conversation, you would call the fucking authorities.) But Harry will not be dissuaded from his common sense.
Harry: "Stop distracting me with your vegetable penis and listen to what I'm saying to you. I am basically your sister at this point, you haven't talked to her since you moved in. So I am doing this from love. What you are saying is, you do not value this girl's friendship and you need her to know that. Which is awful for you."
Joss: "We talked about it. We forced each other to agree that everything was okay, it was the second most lesbian thing we did today."
Harry: "I am not worried about your sexuality, everybody does it. I'm talking about rom-com, basic, normal things. Everybody knows you don't sleep with Meg Ryan or it ruins everything."
Joss: "Well now we do. But how about another lesson you can learn, which is Don't be the boring straight person whose conventional values never bring them any happiness?"
Harry: "Oh I'm sorry, is this what happiness looks like? "
The actual best part gets lost in translation because she's not having the conversation in good faith, so you get stuck in the crossfire, but he says a very true thing, which if I can paraphrase is that in a properly seated equestrian, where you are solid in your saddle, "having values" and "happiness" are the same thing, because they both lead to consistency of character, which is the basis of integrity. You ride your life, your life doesn't ride you: But it starts with not feeling chafed by the rules. Because the rules were developed over thousands and thousands of years, and you're smart enough to know which ones are dumb and which ones are worthwhile, but that is the effort of a lifetime so you need to get started.
And her point is that "values" is a loaded term -- which is true, when you're using them to judge, which he is not -- and that it's all completely subjective, which is false. There's a lot of wiggle room, but not in the way she means, because the way she means is that everything is chaos. And the response to that would be, when you don't know anything, everything is up for debate. And the solution is asking in good faith, "Is this what happiness looks like?" If you draw the line -- using your rational mind and sense of pattern recognition from living in this world exactly as long as everybody else -- to the endpoint of your behavior right now, are you happy at the end of it or not? Because done correctly, at the end of the story everybody is happy. Everybody gets out alive.
And if that's not true, reel it back to today and figure out what strategy you're using and why it doesn't work anymore. Everything is a coping strategy that developed in response to certain stimuli: No kind of crazy didn't start as a solution to a problem. Nobody's born manipulative, we're beaten there. So if that problem is no longer relevant, then you need to drop the tools you built for it and find something new, because that shit rots fast. And in this case, she has a partner in crime: Two people who don't know how to love without being in love, so they have to drop the bomb on themselves to escape. An obsolete strategy, determined to kill something great.
SOME STREET SOMEWHERE
Dominic: "You really laid the hammer down on ol' Jerrica yesterday."
Savannah: "Her name is seriously Jerrica? That is so stupid."
Dominic: "Yeah, there it is again."
Savannah: "You think I care if you fuck her? I don't care. I'll show her my underwear, I don't give a shit. The important thing is that you not be one more fucking stressful thing today."
Dominic: "Or I could double down and soft-talk you halfway to an orgasm about how our tryst meant everything to me and it drives me crazy you're pretending otherwise."
Savannah: "I have to go to yet another secret appointment now. Like now."
SALLY'S HOUSE
Alex: "This is trickier than I thought! She bought everything, but I picked it out."
Joss: "So just decide based on if you actually like it. It's just things."
Alex: "Yeah, you're right."
Sally: "What the fuck are you doing in my house? Give me my key."
Alex: "Honey, are you sick and that's why you're home early? Let me get you some OJ... Uh, I mean, sorry you're sick, here are the keys, let's leave."
Joss: "Later boners!"
Sally: "No, you get your ass over here for a little talk."
Everybody laying down real talk with Joss! Saying all the things! I love it! It makes her so much more wonderful to watch the actress process all this truth at once. How weird would it be if Joss turned out to be the subtlest character of all?
Sally's point is that Alex randomly just started having trouble in the marriage when Sally bought her a Joss. Which is true, but only because Joss is a ripper-off of scabs. That part is above board. I mean it seemed pretty clear she had an angle, but compared to the pressure Sally's giving her about it, she's blame free. Which Joss dumbly tries to explain -- "I am not the problem in your marriage, you are" -- which is never going to fly, and makes her look like her nosy jerk self on top of it.
So Sally gets right in her fucking face and is like, "Pretend all you want. You seduced her, and now you have her. So you are the asshole." Which is basically true, too. No bad guys here -- no bad guys ever -- but if the problem was Sally taking Alex for granted, Alex could put her big-girl panties on with or without Joss's help and actually stand up for herself instead of getting distracted by some straight girl who is twice as messy as she is.
A DINER
April: "Talk to me or not, you're still grounded."
Lucy: "Fine, that's great, I don't care. I got mine."
April: "I mean, you know that you fucked up, right? You understand that rules exist for a reason?"
Lucy: "When they work, sure. I know that, I'm precocious as all get out and I'm appallingly well-behaved. Your determination to treat me like this is my first strike is seriously going to backfire if you don't take it down a notch. In this case, I wanted to meet Selena Gomez. I have explained this."
April: "And I want to meet the Pope so I can punch him in the face [Why ABC, you little rascal with that!], but you don't see me flying off to Rome! Because I have a commitment to you, and to the shop. We can't just do whatever we want to do because we want to do it."
Kind of hammered in there, this whole "April needs to cut loose" thing. Well, I guess if you think about her whole attack on Savi for betraying her as the Good Girls, it does go all the way back. And that too was dipped in survivor-guilt stuff having to do with not being able to "cheat" on Paul even three years after he was dead, even after finding out about his secret life -- even then being weird enough about it that she scared off wonderful Richard. So yeah, it's a thing. Even still, this conversational pivot is a little creaky-sloppy and saying it out loud doesn't help anybody. (Especially when it's Lucy, who is admittedly less of a pill than I let on, and who rocks this scene.)
Lucy, verbatim: "Well, I'm not sorry I went. It was the best moment of my life. She gave me a hug, and she wrote inside my book. She said Love, Selena."
April: "Compelling stuff. Why not just ask me to take you, then?"
Lucy: "First of all because I am so sure. Don't bullshit a bullshitter, Mommy. But second of all, you've been acting crazy. I don't want to disturb your routine further."
April: "How do you know I wouldn't have?"
Lucy: "Uh, you like just gave some speech about rules and responsibilities that would make Clark Kent barf. It is your life, it defines you. It's what we all love about you, it's why you're Jacob's favorite character. You are the only one with faith in anything on this entire show. You define the values Harry was talking about."
April: "And yet something in your tone makes it sound like somehow me following the rules is worse than if I was a stripper. Makes ya think."
Lucy: "Does it make ya think maybe you don't have to sell our house and make us homeless just so some rando Florida con artist can feed her stupid kid?"
April: "It should, but maybe it also means I get to have sex with Richard. Among the throw pillows."
Lucy: "Jeez. Throw down a towel or something at least, you scallywag."
KAREN'S OFC
Lila?: "The Widow Grey is here. She is entering your office as I tell you this."
Karen: "Fabulous."
Widow Grey: "Sorry I didn't return your calls! I'm just kind of selfish and shitty."
Karen: "I know, your husband told me a buncha times before I fucked him. What about this whole thing where we are both going to jail, though? Ain't that a pisser."
Widow Grey: "Yeah, I don't think so. I want you to falsify evidence that says he actually was suicidal, so Sam doesn't have to hear all the real facts. It'll ruin my ruined relationship with him, not to mention yours that you're using to destroy your entire life all around you. It's worth it to me to lose all that money, because we already have all the money."
Karen: "What do I get out of this? Besides losing my license, I mean."
Widow Grey: "Either way that's happening, right? So just do it."
Karen: "I will if I have time. I have to write this speech for Hilary Clinton."
Widow Grey: "Okay. Remember, I will not hesitate to take you down with me. I mean that."
DAVIS BDRM
Harry: "I made you a magic peeing potion that will make you pee after one sip."
Savi: "No thank you."
Harry: "It has mint and agave nectar and a hint of anise."
(She slurps literally one cc of this stuff and then has to pee. He talks to her through the door, as if they have been married for more than five minutes. The nerve!)
Harry: "I think your sister's mad at me. I picked a fight with her this afternoon..."
Savi: "You really want to talk about my sister right now?"
Harry: "Uh, why would that be weird? You're peeing in there, not masturbating or doing differential equations. I think you can handle a conversation about your sister that you haven't seen in six weeks that is my best friend now."
But actually it is sad, because Alyssa Milano is a very good actor, so you know what's happening before she even fully seems to register it. The ten thoughts between here and there. Anybody else, you might think that she is manufacturing a quick miscarriage -- this is probably the best time to do it, frankly, now that he's forced the issue and made her take the test and drink the peeing potion -- but no. Not when you see her heart drop into her stomach like that. Just the sick feeling of, After all that. Goddamn, after all that?
Harry: "That was quick. Set a timer?"
Savi: "No point, I'm bleeding."
They are quiet. The distance between their bodies is suddenly the only thing.
KAREN OFC
Dr. Jacob: "Do you want food? I got food! Jew food."
Karen: "No, I have to hover my fork over a salad with some friends later."
Dr. Jacob: "That creep Newsome will not stop coming around. This time it was to ask me about the practice, our policy with patient records and whatever."
Karen: "I hope you punched him in his stupid face for me."
Dr. Jacob: "Karen seriously what is going on. I could not be more supportive or kind or lovely and yet."
Karen: "I guess I'm just worried about inventing Koreans in front of Beyoncé."
Dr. Jacob: "Just imagine everyone in the audience naked. Except for me because that would be weird."
That's one word for it. The wrong one, but a word just the same. I've never really had a problem with public speaking because I like people and I am constantly lecturing everyone at all times whether or not it's a crowd or just one person or just you, Best Beloved, so it's like the opposite of Kryptonite. However, were I ever to suffer this failure of nerve, Naked Dr. Jacob Lerner could easily be on the list of calming mental images, right under "Sam Grey Cat-Blinking Vigorously Into My Eyeballs Until I Am Invincible."
JOSS
Joss is reading a magazine (printed on paper, like it's the fucking '90s over here) when Alex calls. And between the mean truths of Sally and the loving beautiful truth of Harry, she is very much not sure if she should pick up. Finally she does, but it's with a fakeness to her voice that you're surprised she can even muster, in terms of dissembling.
Alex: "[New apartment blues.]"
Joss: "[Well-worn real estate jokes we don't need to get into; on the level of like, "Realtors always be like 'Location location location'!"]"
Alex: "["They are! They're always like, 'Location location location!' Anyway, back to a real conversation that normal intelligent people would have. Do you want to have lunch.]"
Joss: "I would love to have a big old lesbian vegan chowdown with you, but I am swamped with work!"
Alex: "Clearly a lie, but okay! I will talk to you later!"
Joss: "Whew. Nailed it."
But wait, no she didn't. She actually shakes her head, like, "If I was being an asshole before, and then in the middle I got the impression I was being an asshole, what am I being now? Because the sound of Shannyn Sossamon being disappointed is -- Jacob, back me up here -- just about the saddest sound in the world." I will back you up and I will raise you a Brush that hair.
One of my favorite shows in the whole of time and space was called Saving Grace. It was about Holly Hunter, she was kind of a Joss but she had a lot on her plate, like God always bugging her. Best show, I buy it for so many people for Xmas, it is just the most hardcore, raw-ass shit happening all the time, it was like Joan Of Arcadia crossed with Stigmata crossed with Justified, and nobody figured it out because from the outside it just looks like Judging Amy: Oklahoma. They could not advertise how the show actually was, because your brain would melt.
Like this one time -- just for a random e.g., it's not even a spoiler because this is like every episode of the show -- she got so mad at God for bugging her all the time (and for having gotten molested by a priest) that she abducted the priest at gunpoint and rolled him up in a carpet and put him in her car, and then she fucked the actual Devil in a church graveyard while it was raining. And God was just like, "Grace, you are blowing my mind right now."
I am not exaggerating when I say that show changed/maybe saved my life. Anyway, you could always tell how crazy ol' Grace was about to go, because she would get these little braids sprouting in her beautiful hair, and the more braids, the bigger the crazy comin' down the pipe. And of course if you think about that, that makes sense: When your hands start doing that on their own, it's because you and your body are having a moment with each other, and you are not all the way at home today. And this whole episode, every time you see the Grace braids in Joss's hair it's like, "There is a level on which this show knows exactly what the fuck it is talking about. I should be nicer."
GOTTA BE LIKE YR 5TH OB-GYN AT THIS PT
OB: "Good news bad news. You are still pregnant."
Savi loses it, just completely breaks down. And again, only thanks to Alyssa Milano do you understand why, even before the doctor does: She had no idea, until it was almost gone, how she really felt. This is when I realized I could never be friends with Alyssa Milano because our relationship would just be her going, "Dude, stop staring at me. You are getting your meal on yourself."
OB: "Wait, was that the good news? Is this bad news bad news?"
Savi: "No, we're good. You have no idea."
OB: "Okay, then bad news now. Your blood pressure is a real concern and so is your heart rate. They're both off the charts. Why."
Savi: "I've been under a lot of stress lately at home. And at work. And all the time, and everywhere. Even when I sleep, it comes for me. I have made a hash of things."
OB: "Okay, well you now have an extra reason to work your shit out. Which you should already be doing, but now you're stressing for two."
Savi: "I have an idea. It involves bringing the entire bookshelf down on myself, but frankly I was looking forward to doing that anyway. Thanks, Doc!"
MAISON
April's bringing in the fancy bistro appointments for the night -- French sign, locking up the chairs -- when Richard randomly shows up, once again "in the neighborhood."
Richard: "What are we doing to punish our daughters?"
April: "Two weeks in the hole, no playdates..."
Richard: "No TV."
April: "Yeah, and no computer."
Richard: "No computer?"
April: "Uh, yeah. What do you watch TV on in your decade?"
Richard: "She got me again!"
April: "Conversational pivot! I have realized I am a Mousy Mabel. A real Stick-In-The-Mud Susie. A regular Rulesy Rappaport."
Richard: "Are you not happy? Is this not what happiness looks like?"
April: "I followed every rule my entire life, and the result was bullshit. My husband had a secret bigamy and now I am in arrears to its issue."
Richard: "Wait, is that what's been going on this whole time? Why didn't you just tell me that? Your story of ghosts and mysterious 'packages' was the story of a nut. This is just the story of a lovely lady who is not at all red-flag crazy."
April: "Well, admittedly part of complaining about this to you is to sneakily undermine your idea of me as this supermodel bitch disaster. Admittedly. But I actually am pretty normal. Especially compared to my friends/LA."
"I married my high school boyfriend, never strayed in twenty years, made a perfect home, raised a nearly perfect child. The only imperfect thing about her is this rebellious streak that's just starting to rear its head, and you know what? I'm proud of her. I am jealous."
Richard: "There's still time."
April: "Boom goes the dynamite."
She launches herself across the coffee counter onto him, and they have a million sex. I am so, so happy about this! You guys, April hooked up with Hot Dad! And all it took was a visit from Selena Gomez, patron saint of sexy divorcées and unrelenting emoji. You little dear. We're all so proud of you. And of April!
"I'm pregnant, Harry. But it might not be yours."
It won't be pretty what happens , and she just offloaded the hell from her back onto his, but that's just potential energy converting to kinetic: It was hanging over both of them all the time, and only her cowardice kept it up there. Would you love me no matter what? is not an idle question, but neither is it one we can possibly answer, before the thing happens. He's hearing the story all at once, he can't be expected to measure out the days and weeks of pain she's held onto for him: Seen all at once, this doesn't look like dignity, or bravery, or integrity, or anything else that it is; it doesn't look like your finest hour, or your highest values. But you knew that when you walked in, which makes you ten times stronger. So you settle in, and you ride.
WEEK
Harry acts the fuck out. Savi's repentance proves distractible. Everybody cheats on everybody. The show is called Mistresses. Cross your fingers for Sam, and welcome back Olivier. I think I like this show now.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Killing, Pretty Little Liars, Ray Donovan, Mistresses, True Blood, and Defiance for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love.