And Now You Are Dog Food

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A lawyer arrives at April's throw pillow store with paternity test results -- oh right, that's how Savi learns about the existence of paternity tests -- and April meets with Miranda Nickleby, whose name I can never stop typing, to talk about how her Bastard deserves child support from Paul's estate. Which is, um, true, but of course Savi's like, "As your lawyer, I recommend that you throw the child into the sea."

After the Bastard takes a header because he now has two negligent mommies, and breaks his arm, April has a change of heart and decides that maybe her family has room for a whore from Orlando and the kid whose arms she's willing to break for cash. I was pretty excited about the storyline -- What if Miranda Nickleby moves into the Malloy house? What if she gets as irritated by Invisible Lucy's precocity as I'm beginning to, and hits that little girl in the face? -- but in the end, it turns out the lawyer is just an actor, and Miranda Nickleby is doing a scam we don't even understand yet. (But given that Paul was "lost at sea" during a fishing trip, and this is a singularly uncreative soapy-soap, I'm guessing there are some key things we don't know yet.)

Savannah tells the girls she's pregnant, and after a second they realize how this could be a problem. But then immediately they all start talking about how it's so sad for Harry, even though Harry has no idea what's going on, because when you have a bunch of women in a room with no man to guide the conversation, the conversation naturally turns to discussing what a man would think if he were there.*

Eventually Savannah steals the disposable head of Harry's razor so she can get a paternity test, but the tortured route the episode takes to get us there is only half as bizarre as the way the rest of her law firm watches -- in awe -- as she continues to torpedo her career in every single way she can think of, starting with stalling a walk-in gyno visit just long enough to get Dominic back in the first chair on the Sullivan divorce, which even he thinks is pathetic even though she didn't do it remotely for him.

*("Whenever Poochie's not on screen, all the other characters should be asking 'Where's Poochie?'")

Stupid-ass Karen finds Sam Grey's wallet in her car from his DUI, and although she does very smartly try to stick it in his mailbox, the only solid choice she has ever made, the universe has bigger plans, and before you know it he is cooking them both dinner in her former love nest with his father, and they are reaching for the same glass at the same time, and he's teaching her to use a pottery wheel while the Righteous Brothers play.

It's not only because Sam Grey is hot as hell that I say this, but you have to consider that he has no idea what was going on with Karen: He just saw his dead dad's therapist and was like, "I would like to sleep with that hot lady," and this has naturally led to him leaving Brown and becoming a shitty photographer dilettante, and possibly to stalking. So while she keeps ending up in his arms and then screaming at him to stop having arms, he's relatively blameless.

It would be a lot worse if he knew his dad hooked up with her, because then it's like they're both trying to get to him by boning each other. As it is, only Karen is doing that. Points for not kissing back, I guess, but something tells me you're going to "end up" back in that apartment before week's first commercial break. (This is by far my favorite storyline, because they are making us work for it. April's getting juicy and Savi's just fun to watch, but the sexy slow-motion car wreck that is Karen Kim has it all.)

And what about Josslyn? Oh, Joss, you know, some people are so transparent it's like they're not just wearing their bullshit on their sleeves, it's like all they are is sleeves. Sally interrupts her wife's jogging date with Joss, just at the point they were really starting to shit-talk her, problem, and then takes a private moment to make it very clear that she's not really buying a house so much as giving Joss to Shannyn Sossamon as a toy to play with, problem, so she'll stop demanding to be treated like a person. Problem.

Joss's response is that she needs to break them up immediately, problem, but doesn't actively do anything to put this gross plan into motion: Just accompanies Alex to a lesbian jewelry party where all it is, is lesbians, which is exciting to her because she's never made an ass of herself in that specific environment, and then gets defensive when some scary-face lesbian starts hitting on Alex, so she pretends to be her girlfriend -- problem -- and plants one on her -- problem -- and then Alex runs away.

I don't know about you, but I like to know what I'm doing. Like, it's better for you and it's better for your agenda if you can recognize what your agenda is. And people who go around doing things with an obvious agenda, but do not themselves understand the agenda, are the scariest fucking people on the planet, and the reason for that is, the rest of us don't factor in so hard that it doesn't matter if we see it or we don't. So what if you see me working my relationship-deadening voodoo? You go away when I close my eyes anyway! And that's Joss.

So after all this, her many buried landmines and secret dog-whistles and party-kisses detonate, right on fucking time, and before you know it Alex has shown up on her doorstep, soaked to the skin, talking some shit about her self-respect and how she needs to leave Sally for good. And Joss is like, "What? Sleep in my bed, I'll make you breakfast, I had no idea any of this was going on" and the most fucking chilling part is, She truly did not. That is some Jenny Schechter-level shit.

Week: Joss is surprised that Alex sticks around, is surprised that Alex joins her in the shower, is surprised that they make out, is surprised that they are suddenly lesbians, dating. All of these things come as a surprise to her, because she is a psychopath. April finally hooks up with Hot Dad Richard, meaning I guess she jumps through whatever hoops he needs her to jump through so he stays in control. Savannah thinks about telling her husband any of the three urgent things she needs to tell him, but probably only tells him one of the things, at most. Who are we missing? Karen. Maybe literally, maybe she finally gets Sam Grey to murder her like she wants. Or they hook up, which would be even better. Rootin' for those kids.

Want more? The full recap starts right below!

PREVIOUSLY

Karen left her shit all over dead Tom's love nest, so naturally his son took it straight to his mom, which Karen knows about because she is constant contact with him because she is a trainwreck. April's dead husband's second family showed up begging for money, and her hot boyfriend dumped her for having problems. Savannah is still freaking out about her one-night stand but has yet to take a single proactive step to regain control of her life, while her sister Joss is merrily ruining a lesbian marriage for no other reason than that she is a sloppy crazy person.

SAVANNAH'S KITCHEN, ACTUAL

Harry: "Hey, it's my favorite drunk mess of a sister-in-law slash permanent houseguest."
Joss: "That's... Fair. I am not currently drunk this morning, though."
Harry: "Why are you dressed like a Zumba instructor? Who is this to sleep with?"
Joss: "I am going hiking with Alex!"
Harry: "The lesbian?"
Joss: "I don't see race. Don't be offensive."
Harry: "That wasn't actually offensive. You acting like it's offensive is offensive, insofar as it demonstrates your state of mind here."

Joss: "She's not my lesbian, she's just my best friend all of a sudden."
Harry: "Have you ever had a female friend before?"
Joss: "What about Karen and April?"
Harry: "They're Savannah's friends. You are grandfathered."
Joss: "Oh, then no. One more red flag of how I am a monster."
Harry: "As long as you're aware."
Joss: "You are the fucking worst. Where is my sister?"
Harry: "At a mysterious 'meeting.' I have no further information because I did not request it because I do not care because I hate my wife."

DOCTOR No. 1

Doctor: "Congratulations! You're having a baby!"
Savi: "Aw, shit."
Doctor: "You have been treading my last nerve for six months about this, now you're rethinking? God, you people."
Savi: "I am just processing my options."
Doctor: "Here are some prenatal prescriptions, and also I need to get full medical histories for both of your families."
Savi: "Both of who?"
Doctor: "You and the father of your child, your husband Harry."
Savi: "Right, right. Good ol' Harry, fathering my child and all."

THROW PILLOPALOOZA

April: "Humblebrag about how I'm the 'most stunning woman' Richard's ever met, followed by oddly worded complaint about how he is 'terrified of my package,' i.e. my husband's bastard he doesn't know about, which quote is 'sadly not a euphemism.'"

Joss: "Yes, that is sad. It would be much better if he were talking about your penis, apparently."
April: "The point is he's not interested in my drama or my 'package.'"
Joss: "How dumb of him. I hate it when guys can smell my crazy from a block away and won't date me. It's so inconsiderate of them to be moderately perceptive like that. Anyway, I'm off to run with a lesbian."

Savi: "Thank God she's gone. I'm pregnant."
April: "Oh my God!"
Karen: "Oh my God."
April: "Oh, right."
Ladies: "Could it be Harry's?"
Savi: "There was that brief period where I was just fucking everybody, so maybe?"
Ladies: "You know, they never actually Defconned all the way to IVF, so some portion of his swimmers must not be deformed and slow. Let's not get weird. I mean, we all know those couples who try and try and get weird and angry and then just randomly get pregnant by accident."
Savi: "Yeah, and meanwhile I only cheated the one time."
Ladies: "Probably it is Harry's."
Savi: "Let's be clear that we're pretending this because it would be easier, not because it makes sense. You know, like grown-ass women would do."

Ladies: Rapidly spin out into an offensively bizarre conversation about Poor Harry and how would Harry deal with this, if Harry even knew about it, and thus logically the imaginary burden of imaginary Harry is clearly twice that of the real burden of actual Savi, which sends them all into suicidal despair because Harry is so goddamn motherfucking special.

Later, Karen finds Sam's wallet in her car from the other night of his DUI, and immediately tries to figure out the most life-fucking-up way she can return it to him. Between her teeth, crawling on her hands and knees, dressed in a kitty-cat costume? Perhaps in the dead of night, by sneaking it onto his person while he sleeps, nude, in the bed she shared with his father. A ransom note made from cut-up letters saying I HAVE YOUR WALLET FOLLOW THESE CLUES and the last clue is a trail of rose petals leading to her matted and framed medical license, atop which she is sitting, spread-eagle and butt-naked.

LESBIAN HIKE

Alex: "Running with you is so much more fun than with my wife because she is a harsh taskmistress."
Joss: "Yeah, your wife who is my boss and none of my business is a real bitch."

Alex: "Did you know sometimes I sleep with men? Not since I got married, though."
Joss: "Oh, you're a lesbian the same way I am a lesbian?"
Alex: "One notch up. I fell in love with my college roommate..."
Joss: "A tale as old as time. For what straight people think actually happens in real life."
Alex: "What about you, did you ever pretend to be a lesbian?"
Joss: "Sometimes in my constant threesomes from being an alcoholic sex addict I accidentally have sex with the lady, but that's okay because women's sexual identities are like so fluid*."
Alex: "But you never had a girlfriend? A normal thing people just do sometimes?"
Joss: "I've never even had a girl as a friend, due to being a toxic monster."

*(A fallacy. The truth is that everybody's sexuality is pretty fluid, but only men's sexuality matters enough to have that fact beaten out of them on a daily basis throughout their lives, to the point where most people think revulsion at homosexuality is a perfectly natural, if maybe regrettable, part of being a person. Women can do whatever they want when they're alone because everyone's life is a performance for men. If a tree performs cunnilingus in the woods and nobody important's there to hear it, was the patriarchy really threatened? No, and it would just make 'em horny anyway. It's called a win-win.)

Sally, outta nowhere: "I located you with my Subaru Outback's lesbian GPS! Get those knees up!"
Joss: "This is perfect! Because it is awful, and now we can resent your bitch wife together."
Alex: "I'm just glad we have so much in common, such as hating my wife and being barely lesbians."
Joss: "Do labels even really matter?"
Alex: "Only when you want the points."
Joss: "Wait, you can get attention for being a lesbian? That is interesting information."

SAVI'S DOOMED CAREER

In full view of everyone, dumb distracted Savannah knocks Dominic's shit to the floor, and they bump heads picking it all up, and she apologizes a hundred times for it, but really she's apologizing for getting her horrible life all over him and his career. Anyway, he still hasn't forgiven her for existing, or for trying to get off the case to make his life easier and accidentally making it harder instead through no real fault of her own, because he's a great guy. What nobody seems interested in apologizing for is the unspecified number of weeks or years that he spent invading her personal space and sexually harassing her before all this, but I guess we're meant to infer -- not the obvious, which is that the difference between it being rapey and it being okay is that Jason George is hot, but -- that she was cockteasing him the whole time anyway because that's the kind of show this is. A slut one.

BED BATH & THROW PILLOWS BY THE SEA

Customer: "[Hoary joke about how is there a difference between 'platinum' and 'steel' and can't they both just be called 'gray.']"
April: "[Lets the 'fifty shades' joke hang in the air like a fart.]"

April: "Bienvenue a Maison Par La Mer! That's French for 'Welcome to Maison Par La Mer.'"
Bob Loblaw: "Welcome to your lawsuit. April Malloy, you've been le served."
April: "What is subpoena French for?"
Bob Loblaw: "This isn't a subpoena because I'm not actually a lawyer. It's just paternity results for that little bastard Scott Nickleby."
April: "I didn't ask for proof..."
Bob Loblaw: "We'll have to provide it anyway, for when we sue Paul's estate for child support."
April: "How could I possibly have anticipated any of this?"

LESBIAN REAL TALK

Alex: "I'm thirsty. Thirsty for a life well-lived. Also for water. Also for self-expression."
Sally: "I'm glad we have a second alone, Joss, so I can creep the fuck up on you and let you know that this entire real estate game has become a total sham and basically you're a human toy I am paying to keep my wife distracted so she doesn't notice I don't care about her at all. Think of yourself as an ear for her to yammer at until she is sleepy each day."
Joss: "That's so ironic because I was going to ruin your marriage either way, but now I don't even have to feel bad about it."

MIRANDA

April: "Hey, sorry I didn't call until your childlike attorney came to my store..."
Miranda: "Yeah, I called you like six times?"
April: "I was processing my feelings! You have to just wait around indefinitely, living off your savings from being a waitress and a single mom, until I feel like dealing with you."
Miranda: "This is the kind of shit I'm talking about. You have this idea that your life is tough because everybody does, but that shouldn't override your sense or your decency. I get and agree that there is no relativity to pain -- but damn, can you not rub it in?"

ATTY OFC

April: "She's right, I'm being horrible. But the truth is I'm not liquid in the least, I have this young business. I mean I could sell part of the store, or put the house up and get a smaller house..."

Savi: "Why live within your means? Let's roast this bitch and her stupid biracial baby."
April: "Speaking of, is that the Dominic?"
Savi: "Good genes, right? These problems I keep creating for myself are pretty sticky."
April: "I'm so glad we can talk about this. It's nice to know I'm not the worst person I know."
Savi: "I wonder what Joss is doing right now?"

MALLOY

Lucy: "I made you this new picture frame for daddy's picture, since you still haven't replaced the one you shattered in a fit of rage over somebody in another state owning a ten-year-old ugly car."
April: "Great, I'll hang it somewhere I don't have to ever look at it."
Lucy: "I'm onto you, lady."
April: "What do you mean? Not even your nauseating levels of precocity could..."
Lucy: "It's because his birthday is coming up, and you always get morose and negligent around this time of year."
April: "That's probably what it is, Little Man Tate. Are you sad to think of him?"
Lucy: "No way. First because I am resilient and clearly some kind of a robot, second because it was like three years ago which is half my life, and third, frankly, one of us needed to pull it the fuck together."

SAM GREY

Karen: "Me? Just cramming your wallet I found into this mailbox."
Sam: "A call would have been nice, considering I spent all morning cancelling my credit cards."
Karen: "Yes, but then we would end up talking and I would have no choice but to climb even further into your soul and down your jammies."
Sam: "No big. My license is suspended anyway. But listen, there's a classy spin I can put on that..."
Karen: "Not necessary, good day."
Sam: "I dropped out of Brown -- did you know I go to Brown? Well I do, and I dropped out -- and I had one beer too many, to celebrate my becoming a total cliché. My lithe and youthful body has a lower tolerance than you might expect."
Karen: "Sam, you can't drop out of school! What would the economy say?"
Sam: "I love it when you try to mother me because I am a huge mess in every direction. Come inside this love nest so I can show you something very compelling."
Karen: "That doesn't sound like a sex trap. Or at least, one I'm not 100 percent interested in falling into with both eyes open."

MIRANDA PRESSES HER ADVANTAGE

April: "I didn't know you were bringing the bastard."
Miranda: "Yeah, well, the au pair was sick with a disease called bitch I am broke, what part of this do you not understand?."
April: "Nice to see you, Scottie."
Miranda: "Before I start with the threats and the crazy eyes, could you go make me cappuccino with extra foam? I just want to be as big an asshole as possible at all times, so it looks like I'm too artless to be running a scam. (PS, both are true. I am both an asshole and running a scam.)"

KITCHEN

Joss: "Lawyer sister, how can I convince a lesbian to leave her wife?"
Savi: "I don't even need to know the facts to tell you to fuck right off. Whatever you think you're doing, quickly do the precise opposite of that. I order you."
Joss: "I really feel like I need to say something. To clear the air. And also to ruin lives."
Savi: "Do you know what a 'concern troll' is?"
Joss: "As I become more and more acquainted with the lesbian community, I am starting to realize that concern trolling can be a way of life."
Savi: "You leave those women alone! All of them! Hands off the lesbians! They have 99 problems! They are doing the best they can! Do not be the newest problem of lesbians! They like just recovered from the gluten thing!"
Joss: "Okay, I'm going to do the opposite of what you just said. So the opposite of the opposite is, I am going to fuck everything up for everybody and my prize will be a pet lesbian I can keep in the poolhouse."

Savi: "This is why people don't tell you shit, Joss."
Joss: "Shit like what?"
Savi: "Shit like exactly."

People who know that Savi is pregnant with a mystery baby: Everybody but Joss (and Harry and Dominic). People who know that Karen is a single Young Jeezy song away from molesting her dead lover's mesmerizing child: Not even Karen knows this, but Sam kind of does. People who know that April believes in prank-calling ghosts: Way more people than is appropriate. Savi's point is sound.

Harry: "Can I cook you lunch? Being a chef is my whole personality. Sometimes a dick also, depending on the episode. This time, just cooking."
Savi: "I would love lunch, but I have to leave for more meetings all the time."
Harry: "Were you bitches fighting again?"

Joss: "[Menstruation humor from a hundred years ago.]"
Harry: "[Menstruation horror from a thousand million years ago.]"

BISTRO PAR LA MER

Miranda: "Honey, take your Cars cars and get out of mommy's face, okay? I have to extort money from this bitch real quick."
April: "Let's put our cards on the table. I'm not averse to figuring something out, but you must know I have a million questions."
Miranda: "That's fair. I'm going to act really rational and pretty cool and sympathetic for almost the entire rest of the episode. But watch out!"

April: "Did you know Paul was married?"
Miranda: "We met at the reception desk of that hotel with the greasy name, the Oiled Pearl or whatever it was, Something Grotto, and at that desk I did see a wedding ring. Later, I did not. Who am I to say what happened to his marriage between checking in that morning, and going to dinner with him that night? Florida is a fast-moving place, if you're super gross."
April: "And how long were you two having an affair?"
Miranda: "Such a tawdry word! He would just come to town every few weeks and fuck me."
April: "So an affair, then."
Miranda: "After about a year of this, I got pregnant, and he decided to leave you."
April: "Twist!"

LOVE NEST

Karen: "How's your mom doing with the unimaginable pressure of having euthanized her husband and then found out he was having an affair behind her back?"
Sam: "Pills do seem to be a big part of it. Also rage. Look at this old camera my dad gave me, from Charlie Chaplin times."
Karen: "Oh, did you take these radical black and white photographs of awesome skaters gleaming the cube? I have been wondering where those bad-ass snaps originated. Now I understand that he put them everywhere in his sex apartment so you would always be with him, during his adultery. And here I just thought they meant he was a sad old dork."
Sam: "It is a message from the past to the future. Dad always knew my dream was to drop out of school and live off my trust fund and be a 'photographer,' in Silver Lake or Williamsburg or some shit. Eventually realize too late that I've been the oldest guy at the party for several years now."
Karen: "Well, he was quite the cliché himself. Banging a hyperintellectual Korean chick in a position of authority is pretty #yolo-standard."

Sam: "Trust me, I got that memo. But also there's a note."
Karen: "Oh, there's a note?"

It is only passion that makes life worth living. I found my passion too late in life, but when I did, I pursued it with my whole being. you find yours, you must do the same. Don't hold on to anything that doesn't bring you joy.

Sam: "Why are you crying?"
Karen: "I guess because ... how beautiful? It's so beautiful that I was your father's hobby. Like you and that camera."

DOCTOR No. 2

Savi: "Excuse me, you said the doctor would only be another minute?"
Nurse: "Yeah, I did."
Savi: "But that was 30 minutes ago."
Nurse: "Same-day walk-ins, sometimes they have to wait. You know, for the patients who made appointments and actually go here. It's not like the doctor is in a back room somewhere playing cards, bitch."
Savi: "Would it help to know I'm the second-least entitled person on this show? By comparison, I am not half as awful as I currently seem."
Nurse: "No, it doesn't help because the point of this scene wasn't that you were being awful -- which you were -- but that the women this show is targeting and simultaneously hates were meant to agree with you. It was a Republican road-rage joke about 'don't we all hate it, when we have to wait our turn?' It was a sign of contempt for everyone watching."
Savi: "Sorry, can you not see that I'm on the phone now?"

Dominic: "Yes, I'll be happy to take over that case back from you that you got me thrown off."
Savi: "Will you do it or not?"
Dominic: "I just said I will. Why are you doing this to your career all the time?"
Savi: "Look, just say you'll be there or not."
Dominic: "This scene is written in a fucked up way where you keep saying that no matter how I respond, so I'm hanging up."

BISTRO PAR LE MER

Miranda: "Scottie, get down from there. By which I mean, you're obviously going to fall and break your face at the end of this scene."
April: "Go on with your play-by-play of ruining my life."
Miranda: "Right, so we had gone to the Keys for a romantic weekend -- Paul planned this whole getaway because of the baby he impregnated me with outside of wedlock, while he was married to you -- and that morning he went on an early deep-sea fishing trip, and just never came back to the hotel. He was two hours late for dinner! I spent the whole day wondering..."

April: "If he had come to his senses?"
Miranda: "No, I just figured he was partying in town. You really overestimate his care and respect for you, honey. But eventually, I just got pissed because I was all dressed up in nice clothes he bought me during a sort of Pretty Woman montage... And I saw that he had gone missing. Fell overboard, body never recovered. Really put a cramp in my night, I don't mind telling you."

April: "Oh, so what you're saying is, he's totally alive and running off with you and his kid, and needs to scam the life insurance through me, his legal wife, in order to start over. That is obviously what you're saying, correct?"
Miranda: "Yeah, but it's going to take you at least five more episodes to figure that out because again, this show is a brutal act of contempt."
April: "Okay, then go on with your strange lies."
Miranda: "The point is that I was five months pregnant, just past the deadline for the usual big abortion which would have saved us all a bunch of hassle, and then cut to six months ago I lost my job, burned through first my pretend savings and then each and every member of my family, then my friends -- even for a Florida grifter, my contacts aren't infinite..."
April: "And now you're knocking on my door."
Miranda: "...Uh, yeah. That's how it should be. I am actually in the right, here. Not that it isn't humiliating..."

CRASH! Scottie takes a header, breaking his arm and face and sending both mothers into a solid panic.

ER

ER: "Do you have health care?"
Miranda: "No, I don't deserve health and neither does my son."
ER: "Then I am sorry. We can fix the arm, but then we will have to cut it off for payment."
Miranda: "That sounds fair. I'm glad we don't live in a country where the life and death circumstances of its citizens are something the government is interested in. Just companies."
US: "The important thing is doing whatever the insurance lobbies pay us to do so that they can make more money. Why would they act in their own interest? Why would we?"
Miranda: "Whatever the price of not being a communist, that's what Scottie will have to pay."

They grind the biracial child up into dog food. It is just. There is a modicum of paperwork, but in the end everybody ends up happy. Survival of the fittest. Stupid Scottie, you should have been born white. And not in Florida. And of wealthier parents. This is all your fault! You just didn't try hard enough to not be born poor. And now you are dog food. I hope you learned your lesson.

LOVE NEST

Sam: "I'm learning to cook, using my dad's recipes. Do you like oysters?"
Karen: "I have to go or something."
Sam: "Do you really?"
Karen: "Actually I don't."
Sam: "That was easy."
Karen: "I'm the worst at this. Making decisions, being a person. Do you know, the other day I actually asked a colleague -- who's interested in me, by the way -- what I should do if a person had a crush on me. Like, how to negotiate those choppy waters. Sam, do you realize I'm almost forty? And I just asked him that, like I was fucking retarded. And now here I am eating your dinner in the apartment that exclusively existed for me to fuck your father in. So. Was it easy? Yes. Was this a sign of your particular prowess? Only at picking out a mark, my friend."

Sam, no stranger to self-sabotage himself, decides to put everything on the line and dance to some Young Jeezy. And by "everything," I mean what we -- your recapper and young mister Sam Grey -- have. Because you know Karen's ass is just gonna be like, "Oh, is this 'music'? I've never heard 'music' before because I am an alien from space. So far I like it."

LESBIAN JEWELRY PARTY

Joss: "This lesbian jewelry party is very fancy! I'm glad I wore a bra."
Alex: "That's funny that you mention that because I clearly did not wear a bra."
Joss: "Where is your bitch wife, and when can we ditch her?"
Alex: "She flaked on me. And you know, it's my fault for RSVPing to anything on a weeknight. My fault for going to so many lesbian jewelry parties all the time."
Joss: "I didn't even know they were a thing. I guess there's a lot of lesbian stuff I have yet to learn. I hope that you will teach me. Once I wreck your life."

Joss thinks really hard about each word in "lesbian jewelry party" and slowly realizes that the room is full of lesbians, and then comes to a conclusion that she may just have hit the jackpot. "I've made a dick of myself in front of heads of state, in front of porn stars and movie stars and caterers alike. I consider a blowjob a tip for a cab driver. But one thing I have never done is insult an entire room of lesbians, the most easily insulted people in the world, all at once. Josslyn Carver, you know what you have to do. You were put on this earth to ruin this lesbian jewelry party."

Alex: "I see some wheels turning. I'm not sure I feel safe."

Joss: "I've never been the only straight person in a room before! I feel full of power!"
Alex: "Joss, stop. This is LA, over half of them are lesbians like I am."
Joss: "Still. Momma's gonna do some damage. Where's the drinks?"

DOCTOR No. 2

Doctor: "Savannah Davis, are you just getting pregnancy tests all over town? Are you shopping around for a new OB? Because I'm no Doctor Feelgood, I'm not going to prescribe you crazy doses of folic acid or anything like that. You'll have to go to the Valley."
Savannah: "No, I'm here for even less savory reasons, I'm afraid."
Doctor: "Ah, you want to know what kind of baby it is."
Savannah: "Yes. In 2013 that is a storyline on a hit primetime drama. Recently it has come to my attention that you can perform some kind of 'test' that will reveal the paternity of a fetus? My friend's dead husband knocked up this girl and..."
Doctor: "Oh, Scotty Nickelby? A curious case! Half black ghost, half bitch. He's only dogfood now, though."
Savannah: "Anyway, I heard they invented this thing called a DNA? And I wonder if my husband maybe has one of those."
Doctor: "Yes, it is in his hair brush. Or his toothbrush. Or his razor for grooming."
Savannah: "Is it like a blood test?"
Doctor: "Not unless he's absurdly unskilled at brushing his hair, no."
Savannah: "Last question. Doesn't everybody tend to get knocked up by random people and then just go around fucking everybody?"
Doctor: "Yeah, it happens all the time. That's like 90 percent of my business is just ladies like you, who can't stop showing their underwear to coworkers."

LESBIAN JEWELRY PARTY

Cassandra: "I'm Cassandra! My face needs to get it under control, stat!"
Alex: "I don't really recognize you, despite your distinctive, out of control face."
Cassandra: "Would it be possible for me to ruin your marriage?"
Joss, appearing: "That's my job, bitch!"

She lays one on Alex and starts in with these pet names of Sally's for her, and Cassandra runs off, and but then Alex runs off, because what the fuck is wrong with Joss? Everything, Alex. What is wrong with Joss is: Everything. But also, way to get defensive on several levels that all play into Joss's sick mind games. time we see her ass, mark my words, she's gonna have had a huge fight with Sally and need somewhere to sleep and no visible means of support and then that's going to be the end of it. Another one bites the dust.

POST-TRAUMA

Miranda: "Oh, are you waiting out here to see how my son is doing? How unexpected."
April: "I am pretty clearly a sucker. It is my main trait."
Miranda: "Anyway, we have to go back to living in a cardboard box under a big-rig that could start up and take off at any time, leaving us vulnerable to the elements at best, and in several pieces at the worst. I'm sure I can find some dog poop or a rotting chicken carcass to make a stew. See you around, Malloy."
April: "Oh, I paid for his broken arm so he doesn't have to be dog food."
Miranda: "This would be a lot harder if you weren't such a nice person."
April: "What would, pulling a total con on me?"
Miranda: "In so many words. Anyway, just to leave you with this image of my... You know what, Paul's gone. Let's just call Scotty our son from now on."

Miranda Nickleby stumbles out of the ER and into the street, pulling up her skirt to reveal bruised knees, one thumb out, the other arm holding her bastard to her beaten bosom. Savannah, please report to April's conscience, we need some tough love and real talk. Repeat, Savannah Davis, please come talk April out of giving this hubby-humpin' hobo bitch one hot cent.

LOVE NEST

Sam: "Is it weird, how..."
Karen: "Yes. Whatever your question is, guess what? The answer is yes."
Sam: "Then why are you being so nice to me?"
Karen: "You have a brightness in your eyes and a quickness to your affect that edges on vulpine. There is something very canny and very passionate going on in there, with a spark of intelligence and just a hint of longing. It is impossible to resist. The way that your face moves when you talk, it's like watching someone dance."
Sam: "Let's take this shit to the kitchen. You pretend not to know where the water tumblers are, and I will creep up behind you and show them to you. Then our arms will stretch out in parallel and touch, and we will both get huge kitchen boners. Then I will turn on the Righteous Brothers and you can show me how to make pottery."
Karen: "Yes to the kitchen boners, no to the pottery. Do you have any more of that Young Jeezy? I am interested in learning more about his type of music."

KITCHEN

Joss: "So I fucked up my friendship with that lesbian. You were right, I can't be friends with women. It's so mysterious!"

Harry: "Is it, though? Isn't it as simple as, you are a monster? Just like any other woman without female friends?"

He makes her an artisanal grilled-cheese sandwich with eight cheeses and prosciutto -- he's a chef, did you know that -- and listens to her feelings and her stupid story of how she wrecked an entire lesbian jewelry party on purpose because she is an asshole, clucking and grunting and moaning for her because I think the point is that they are slowly becoming sisters so that when Savi detonates her bullshit bomb -- and you know she's holding so tight to that button, too, just salivating for the moment she can ruin fucking everything at once and just burn the mother down -- Joss will side with Harry. Which fine, go for it, that makes total sense because you are both the worst.

Harry: "What if you tried this, what if one time you were to think before you act?"
Joss: "Then I wouldn't be me!"
Harry: "Yeah but honey, being broken isn't a personality. I'm serious, you need help."
(Knock knock.)
Harry: "Is that your lesbian?"
Joss: "You know it! Alex, come on in and tell me how efficiently I have ruined you."
Alex, in tears: "I have left my wife, I have nowhere to go because I was a kept woman and you're my only friend now that you've alienated all my lesbian jewelry party friends, and I have no visible means of support. Would you be willing to keep me as a pet for the foreseeable future?"
Harry: "Okay I admit, I am impressed."

FIRM

Firm: "Do you seriously even want to make partner?"
Savi: "What on earth, what an outlandish question. Just because I keep getting people thrown off cases and disappearing for hours and failing to show up for court and took a week off to fuck my husband raw without telling anybody and just because half of my day is people showing up from the rest of my life to ask absurd idiotic legal questions. Just because one time I told a widow to lie to the cops about her husband's death due to my best friend having prescribed him lethal doses of morphine in exchange for sex."

Dominic: "Anyway, thanks for getting me back on the Sullivan trial after not really having much to do with getting me thrown off the Sullivan trial in the first place."
Savi: "That wasn't me quote 'doing you a solid.' I'm still planning on being unreasonably shitty toward you. I did neither thing for you. I do nothing for you. I abort your needs, your burdens, your heavy weight upon my womb."

Dominic: "How is it possible that I'm looking like the good guy? You're being a serious asshole and I am taking way more abuse than any person necessarily should."
Savi: "Then everything is right where it should be. You jerk!"

LOVE NEST

Karen: "Hold on, I just had some kind of seizure where I'm making the right call for a second. Gotta bounce."
Sam: "Really? Because I was just about to somehow get hotter."

You know what it is? This is what it is: He never blinks, he just almost blinks, all the time. Like a housecat, sayin' hello. The Secret of Sexy Sam is: Cat blinks. I have discovered it. It is nuclear; it is a "game-changer."

Anyway, he lays one on her after forcing her to let him hold her jacket for her -- "Oh is this a jacket? I've never seen a jacket before" -- to put it on. A smooch.

Karen: "Sam, what are you doing? What would make you think you should kiss me? Except everything?"
Sam: "Pretty much when you backed into my kitchen boner was the clinch. [Boner memory cat blink.]"
Karen: "Are you saying we had a moment?"
Sam: "Honey everything I do is a moment. [Slow-motion cat blink.]"
Karen: "You have the wrong impression!"

As Sam destroys his table setting in a confused man-rage, Karen trip-trops out into the street, fleeing the cat-blinks, confused by lights and sounds and gravity and cars and everything everything everything because it is so confusing to be Karen, Brand New Human Being Who Just Got Here Today. What are those at the end of her legs? "Shoes"? How do they work, what is their function? They make a clop-clop sound on the concrete, it is rhythmic. Like the music of Young Jeezy. When I make a fist, where do my human fingers go? When I close my eyes, am I back in outer space where I come from? What is bolognese, what do people mean by this word? So many questions. They scatter like stars.

MALLOY

I'm trying to practice the cat blink right now and it is not going well. I feel like I look, um... I don't think it's a good look? I don't think I'm doing it right? It is going to take some finesse, some dedicated practice to master the Sam Grey cat blink. I will let you know how it goes. Then I am going to go out and seduce every dubiously licensed psychotherapist I can find, just by leaving my wallet places. Foolproof.

Savi: "Would you love me no matter what I did?"
Harry: "Anything! Except if you took my insecurity about my virility and, I don't know, fucked a black guy with it. Which is pretty much every white douchebag's secret worst fear and even more secret biggest turn-on."
Savi: "Good notes, good notes. Keepin' it up here. In the ol' brain-bank."

When he's done shaving she takes about a million years to pop the disposable head off his razor and put it in a bag like she's at a murder scene. The victim? Her dignity.

WEEK

Karen finally gives in to the universe and to Young Jeezy and to Sam Grey. A cat blink progress report. Alex and Joss think about hooking up, or finally hook up, or they hook up but it is in the Matrix. Savi takes the entire episode walking the razor baggie to the door, ending on another heart-pounding cliffhanger of what is going to happen when she gets to the doctor's office in late 2015. Miranda moves into April's house while she is out getting new Japanese bondage ropes and when she gets home she's like, "Miranda, did you always live here? Are you taking over my life?" and Miranda's like, "Bitch I might be," and April's like, "Okay, could you set the table?" and Hot Dad Richard is like, "I'm out, this is too weird."

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps The Killing, Pretty Little Liars, Mistresses, True Blood, and Defiance for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, Twitter, and Facebook, as well as a regular column for Tor.com, Geek Love. A new short story, "This Is Why We Jump," appeared in this month's Clarkesworld Magazine.