Meet the Man Band: There's Chris Kirkpatrick from *NSYNC, who was once mop-topped with a devilish grin, and is now a drunk scary frat boy with dead eyes. Then there's 98 Degrees's Jeff Timmons, who is now...identical to himself. Way back when Brenda was prettier than Kelly, we had Color Me Badd, whose Bryan Abrams seemed likely to sex you up with or without consent, and who has grown very large and now blocks out the sun. And finally, there's LFO's illiterate Rich Cronin, whose face is doing a Cojocaru but used to look creepy in a different way.
"Can lightning strike twice?" asks a bewildered voice. Or will something happen? No, and no. There's a long preview segment of the whole season to get us all excited, and let me tell you: the nothing that happens tonight will be eclipsed by much more nothing in the weeks to come. Leukemia, alcoholism, infighting, sexism, brawls, smuggling, forgery, kidnapping, betting with money, cruising past stoplights, being in the pool after 10 PM, homicide, replacing the Brita pitcher without refilling it: none of these things will happen.
Chris futzes around his house in -- you guessed it -- Orlando, putting up posters of all the Boy Bands. Even LFO! That's nice of him. He keeps saying something "sparks" him "into" something but I'm not clear on the concept, and I reject it. He wants to get his feet wet, and his hands dirty. He wants to mix metaphors like he was Spinderella. They show a clip of the "Bye Bye Bye" video, which makes me smile from ear to ear for two reasons: one is my long-lost friend John Behlman, who taught me that dance one summer, and the second is the fact that I did that dance onstage at the Alamo Drafthouse after drinking two entire bottles of wine, to thunderous applause. Or so I am told.
Chris says that he was basically left with his thumb in his ear once JT and JC left to make their very good albums, Joey went off to be unspecified-famous, and Lance disappeared to be an astronaut. So he drank a lot, and that was his activity. It was not low-carb. That's not the saddest part. He laughs about how he's an alcoholic but admits -- and this is terribly sad -- that he really only throws parties so that he will have friends. But that's not the saddest part either, the saddest part is that he pins his drinking -- and he could be right for all we know -- on how he misses being on tour with *NSYNC. Which is why child actors are fucked, basically: that's all he knew, so now he knows nothing. Then there is a shot of him being so gross and fat and sweaty in a hot tub that I shed all my sympathy like so many unwanted pounds.
The most awful one by far is Rich from LFO. You can tell by how "Crush With Eyeliner" is the song for his segment. The first thing you see about Rich is that he's got a boss eye, and that he's really dumb. It shows him wrangling his own bags at the airport, bitching about how he used to have people to do this for him. For three months, Rich. You were famous for three months. He brags to us about how "LFO was [him]," as though that's something to be happy about. In 1999, he was, admittedly, hot but still stupid-looking. Now he looks like a turnip. A turnip with cancer. And there is nothing funny about cancer, but a great deal is funny about Rich from LFO. As Joe R said, "It's not the Chinese food making him sick these days." I don't think chemo makes you talk like Sling Blade, either, so basically it's okay to make fun of guys with cancer as long as they'd suck regardless. Right?
So In March 2005 he got the leuk, and this gave him understanding of death. Sort of. It also might have made him wear Burberry in the present day. He talks about how the leukemia would have killed him if he didn't go to the doctor. That's a hell of a thing, how that works. He had five rounds of chemo, then stem cells. Stem cells might make you wear Burberry, actually. He says it's "awful but at the same time wonderful," because he didn't die. I don't know if he's talking about treatment or about the concept of stem cells, but I don't see him making the jump either way. Basically, the facts are that Rich used to look like Ryan Seacrest's straight little brother with a rape rap, and now he looks like Michael Buble's mentally handicapped uncle who works nights as a janitor.
Jeff from 98 Degrees seems very nice and smiles like that all the time. I cannot say that I, or anyone in this world, has ever heard a song by 98 Degrees. Say what you will, I shall not believe you. I cannot name one song. His neck is very veiny. The sad thing about 98 Degrees is that boybands ended in 1997, so now he lives in his parents' house in the O.C. In his bedroom, it is sad, sad, sad. There is a keyboard and an iMac, and he calls it his "studio." He talks about how he likes to be behind the scenes rather than in front of the camera -- "believe it or not!" -- and then there's a montage of him talking bullshit on his cell phone everywhere, from his car to the bar to a high-class eatery. One hundred locations. Sweet little Jeffy tells us how during his time with his imaginary boyband, he tried to "absorb" the business side of music, and then lists all the things he absorbed: distribution, retail, production, marketing, promotions. In short: nothing. Jeff, you learned nothing.
Bryan Abrams is the old fogey; "I Wanna Sex You Up" was in 1991. Man, in 1991 I was mastering the concept of Latin America. And he was sexing you up! Color Me Badd is distinctive because it was the first boyband where everybody was fucking ugly. Now, he's gigantic. Not in a gross way, just in way where he's like a normal person under high magnitude. He rolls tires around for a living in Oklahoma City, and he's very strong, and I cannot believe how goddamn huge...his face has gotta be like a foot across. He's gigantic all over. It's kind of awesome.
He tells us how he drank a lot on the road, but if you were in Color Me Badd I bet that was your only option. He says he can't stop with one drink, and that there's an additional "Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde For Real" problem. I don't know what that means. Then he starts praying really loud. Maybe that's the Jekyll/Hyde thing? That should be entertaining. He asks God if he should pursue this embarrassing joke of a career rehab, or actually work for a living. God is silent on this issue. Bryan has an absolutely gorgeous daughter, and another kid on the way. His pretty wife Kim looks like somebody's pretty wife. Their home looks like they live outside Oklahoma City. "OMG he is so sweet," my notes say. He warns us once again that the specter of drunken buffoonery awaits. I'll believe it when I see it.
They pull up to Chris's house and it's beer guts all around. Much dapping, hand-shaking, fake hugging. Rich from LFO says "Man Band" like a hundred thousand times and everybody's embarrassed because he's too dumb to know you should not say this out loud. During the commercial, let's review: Chris is the boring one whose house it is, Bryan's the dad, Jeff is deluded about his industry connections, and Rich from LFO is basically worthless but at least he has cancer.
Standing to gigantic Bryan, Chris just looks fat and noodly. All the sheets have their faces on them, matching the posters on the door. Giant scary gross faces. Rich reads a fax from their "ball-busting" manager, illiterately, and then they have to learn "Every Breath You Take" by the Police. So they can audition for their manager. Rich is offended and wants to get to the bottom of it. Jeff thinks the whole thing is stupid. Chris is optimistic: "Maybe they just want to know where we sing. I know where I sing: backup." I like Chris now. That's cute. Rich duhs about how they're not going to sing for the manager.
In the restaurant she's totally hot; Rich interviews that she's probably a bitch. But hey, he's got cancer so it's fine. Katie McNeil is hardcore: black turtleneck, blonde Battle Pony, dark angular-framed glasses. 10th St. Entertainment is her company, and they've managed a host of stuff I hate: Mötley Crüe, Everclear, Buckcherry. Well, I don't hate Everclear so much. I like that one song that sounds like all their other songs. Katie is somewhere between 30 and 40 and does Pilates instead of having relationships. The boys are full of disgust and trepidation and do not do very much to hide their hostility. She's really not feeling them much either; she tells them in a self-aggrandizing way that the rest of her company gave her pushback for being interested in Man Band.
Rich trips over his tongue interrupting her to tell her how amazingly obvious it is that nobody cares, amazing her with his aggression and inability to understand anything. Outside he bitches because like, she was the one that called their charity asses, and how dare she tell them that this puts her in their corner. What a bitch. I swear to God Rich from LFO is the one that's going to break me. She's like, "Actually, I'm fucking horrified by you also." Chris is like, "This is not going to kill her." She tells them boybands are retarded but maybe they aren't the worst thing in the world; she tells them also that she has never heard their music like ten times. Jeff gets offended because he is deluded that anybody has never heard of them. She talks about how she's never heard their voices and pulls out the sheet music, and everybody bitches out on her like whoa. In the parking lot, Rich complains some more about being told what to do. By his soon-to-be manager.
Basically, she's telling them a little story, A to B to C, and they keep getting stuck on A. A is how they are a hard sell, B is how they do have talent, and C is how it's going to be good. But all they hear is A, and the reasons for that are I think twofold: number one, they're all really embarrassed to have been part of the boyband thing, so every time she says the word "cheesy" or whatever, they feel it like a knife in their guts. The one thing you don't need to be in a boyband is talented, is what the voices are telling them. But the second issue they're having -- and really, she should be adjusting for both -- is that being in a boyband means being told how to do everything: how to dress, talk, sing, dance, live, where to go, who to be, which demographic to service. So being in a Man Band must mean the opposite, right? They shouldn't have anybody telling them what to do. Especially somebody who wasn't there and doesn't know what it was like. Since none of them have done the solo artist thing successfully, they don't know how much is being managed legitimately, and how much is getting Lou Pearlman'd, and it scares the shit out of them. And she doesn't know any of this, and that's sad.
"It's going to be really hard to work with you guys if you fight me every step of the way." Bryan gets it. Jeff explains that they hate her, and how he believes that they are still famous. She suggests they might be working together on their egos down the road, awesomely. Jeff asks the boys if they really want to audition for her, and she calls them "hokey" for calling themselves a singing group when they can't even get it up to sing in a closed restaurant to their future manager. I'm trying to say this in a way where she doesn't come off rude, because she really doesn't. It's just like this extended take of her doing her best not to go, "Seriously? Seriously, though. For real? Come on. Help me out here. Cut Momma a break here, guys. ...For real?"
Jeff laughs about his rage and how he must shove it down, down, down; Chris gives in, with the caveat that he sings before Bryan. Chris sings, Bryan sings, Rich sings: Chris is wonderful, Bryan is less wonderful, Rich is an idiot. I don't know why they think Bryan's the best. It's clearly Chris. Or maybe Jeff, but we'll never know for sure: Jeff refuses to sing. He cannot sing in a restaurant, he cannot sing for Katie, he cannot sing because to sing is to admit that he's fucked and living in his parents' house with an iMac and a whole lotta plans that consistently go nowhere. Katie calls this a copout, and Jeff agrees. Hell yeah it's a copout, he says. He's still smiling when he says this. He tells the table at large that he is reluctant to be a part of this stupid process. Outside, Katie tells us that Jeff is "full of shit," and she's not wrong; inside, Katie rolls her eyes so hard she gives herself another facelift, thanks everybody except Jeff, and takes off. The boys are basically cowed, except for Rich, who mumbles something stupid; Bryan applies some much-needed misogyny for team-building purposes. The phrase "smuggling midgets" is used. Everybody laughs because every famous boy has a secret gay fear. Normally I would say that this is not okay, and it's not, but he just chilled them the fuck out, and that's worth something. Even though it diminishes him.
Rich from LFO takes some cancer pills or something. He talks about it forever but I don't speak Moron so I don't know what they're really about. It's like Gummo in Rich from LFO's room. Down in the kitchen he has been deserted. Turns out Jeff Timmons is very hot in the AM. He is sleeping sexily on the living room couch, and then he stretches sexily, and then he admits that he has been wandering the house -- catlike, sinewy -- all night long, stressing. He threatens to leave in a delicious fashion, while Rich from LFO shovels food into his stupid turnip face. Jeff bitches about "being in the forefront like this," and one asks: like what? In the forefront of what? Put on the spot of which? You didn't even sing, pisher. Now take off your shirt and do some pushups. You gotta earn this.
Jeff whines in the kitchen some more, and Chris notes his stress. Katie creeps into the house looking even more intimidating, and tells them that their past is so very worthless that she's forcing them to do...a Native American ritual. Fucking yes, she did.
They sit around a fire in the wilderness and an old Indian lady makes them say their visions. Rich from LFO wants to appreciate life more and emphasize simple things, and also to not have cancer. Chris wants confidence and the ability to deal with change. Jeff wants to be more positive and force people to fulfill their dreams. I agree that Jeff could work on positivity, but also maybe a reacquaintance with reality is in the cards as well. Bryan wants to be a good husband and father, and inspire with his music. (He bursts into tears.) He also would not like to sex you up anymore, but instead provide an example for you. You can tell that he feels really bad about sexing you up that time. They are all amazed by Native American spirituality. I am telling you that I am now fully invested in this show.
Back at the house, Chris makes them agree with him that this is not a "new beginning" but instead a "new venture," and that they are all in. He bullies Jeff into telling them that he is no longer weirded out, and Jeff says that being on TV is embarrassing, but he's ready to do this. Also he loves the Men of Man Band. Bryan and Rich from LFO, you don't even have to ask them, because else what do they have?
Besides cancer and babies, I mean. MAN BAND!