Special thanks to Miss Alli and Jessica, who did such a great job of filling in for me that I was secretly hoping to take more time off so I could read more recaps by them. But since I couldn't figure out a way for them to do the recaps and me to get the paycheque, I'm back.
For what I think is the first time on this show, we get a bunch of "Previously on Miss Match" shots that outline the wackiness that is Kate and Michael's blossoming relationship, specifically the whole contrived nonsense of the Birds of Prey chick being both Michael's ex-girlfriend and Kate's new legal client. Considering Dina Meyer spent almost the entire run of Birds of Prey in a wheelchair (albeit a rather tall wheelchair), it's kind of weird for me to say that she seems shorter here somehow, but there you have it.
We pick up right after the episode ended, and I've expressed the desire in recaps before to have my shows behave a lot more like 24, but I usually mean in terms of ratcheting up the body count. The bizarre love triangle decides to sit for dinner, and the hostess makes a big deal of announcing that she'll set an extra place for dinner, and inquires politely as to whether anyone else will be joining them. Michael and "Lauren," I guess, head to the table while Kate lags behind to make a face at the hostess like, "It's supposed to be just me and him, but what can you do?" Like the hostess cares. It's kind of like the scene in Rushmore when Max apologizes to the waiter because Miss Cross brought Dr. Flynn along to dinner, only not as hilarious.
So they sit down, and Lauren apologizes, since moving into her own place took more out of her than she thought it would, or some such nonsense, and speaking as someone who recently packed up and moved to another province, I can safely say that after a long day of moving, the last thing I would want would be to head out to a fancy restaurant with my ex-girlfriend and her date, especially if the date was better-looking and younger than me. Lauren appears not to care, though, especially since both Kate and Michael assure her that she's quite the little trouper for doing it or whatever, and Michael gives her a Reassuring Hand Squeeze that goes on much too long for Kate's taste, so she makes a face. Then everybody expresses awkward shock at how everybody knows each other. Especially shocked is Lauren, who's surprised that Kate and Michael know each other, since they seem like such opposites, which is such a load (and in any case I don't think there's a rule against knowing people who aren't exactly like you), and Kate and Michael recount the story of how they met, talking over each other. Kate says she gave Michael her card. Michael says, "I was in a bar," and for some reason known only to them they're acting like this was years and years ago and the details are fuzzy or something, and they're struggling to remember, like, it was JUST A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO SO QUIT WITH THE "IT FEELS LIKE WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOREVER" ROUTINE THANK YOU. Anyway, Michael hems and haws as he tries to explain that Kate "was…is" his matchmaker, since he's never said that out loud, and I don't know that that would be information I'd be thrilled to admit to an ex-girlfriend anyway. "Kate's my matchmaker," he says. "And friend!" insists Kate, and Michael quickly agrees. Lauren, to clarify, confirms that her new lawyer is also a matchmaker who just happens to be setting up her ex-boyfriend. "Only in L.A.," she laments.
The waiter pops up to ask if they're ready to order, but Lauren says she should be going. Instead of getting Kate and Michael's orders, the waiter nods and LEAVES for some reason, like, nice service. Lauren, sliding out from the booth, knocks her purse to the floor, spilling a few things, so as she and Kate scoop things up, Lauren apologizes. "I'm sorry about all this," she stage-whispers, and she sounds sincere about it, which means her behaviour for the rest of the episode is a bit of a surprise. When she finally stands to go, Kate is the one who finally asks her to stay for dinner, but Lauren says she can't, what with the two of them all dressed up, and she doesn't want to intrude if this is something special. "No, no, it's just dinner," says Michael, a little too casually, and Lauren couldn't have missed the look Kate shoots him (although Michael, naturally, is oblivious). But Kate recovers herself to confirm that this is indeed just dinner, so Lauren sits back down and gets ready for a seven-course meal of stink-eye from Kate.
The day at the coffee shop, Kate shows up late, and a coffee-buying Victoria is wanting to know where the hell she's been since she was calling her all night for the news, and Kate irritably says that there's no news, and Victoria says, "As in 'no news is good news'?" whatever that's supposed to mean, like, it's pretty clear Kate's pissed off about something, and Kate says Michael brought his ex-girlfriend to dinner. Victoria's all, yeah, that would be defined as bad news, and Kate says the ex-girlfriend also happens to be her new client. Correction: that's bad, bizarre news, says Victoria. So Kate blasts Michael, setting aside the fact that Lauren is Kate's client (which she should realize Michael had no idea about), but she says bringing his ex-girlfriend on a date is incredibly inappropriate. "Kate? Maybe it wasn't a date," says Victoria, who then apologizes for…I don't know, stating the obvious? Kate realizes she might be right, but if it wasn't a date, she sure in hell doesn't know what it was. Victoria says Michael has the mixed signals thing down pat. "I hate him," she says supportively. Kate thanks her, but continues to make her Sad Kate face. "Everything I thought, I feel like such an idiot for thinking," she says, prompting Victoria to crank up the supportive girlfriend routine to eleven, pointing out (accurately) that Michael's the one who's confused. Kate unconvincingly says she's done with him.
I think one of the benefits of working as a divorce attorney would be getting to work with clients who say things like, "My husband had sex in a cabana with a slutty blonde newlywed." It appears Nick would agree, as he instantly says, "We'll take the case." He and Kate are talking to "Miss Fisher," and Kate asks if she witnessed it. Nope, but she saw it on a videotape. "We'll need a copy of that immediately," says Nick quickly, before clearing his throat and adding, "For evidence." Heh. Miss Fisher says they'll see it soon enough, as will everyone else, because it happened on a new reality series called Honeymoon Hotel, which hasn't aired yet. She's a second-grade teacher, he's a personal trainer, but they were "drowning financially," she says (Nick makes a hilarious empathetic gesture), and they figured going on the show would be a good way for her husband to drum up new business. Unfortunately, she had no idea that, first chance he got, he'd have sex with "Jillian, a thong-wearing Pilates instructor." She didn't? Clearly, this is her own fault. "That's awful," says Kate. It is, says Miss Fisher: "We got eliminated the first week." Heh…?
Nick's rather concerned about the fate of Jillian, but Kate manages to shush him and his randy boner. Miss Fisher explains the show is a Survivor-type show where newlyweds compete for various prizes, with the grand prize being a million-dollar dream home. Nick says that would have been a sizable asset to split. "Too bad you didn't win," he says. "Freddy won a Hummer," says Miss Fisher. Nick's expression indicates he didn't understand that the hummer Miss Fisher's talking about has a capital H on it. Nick looks at Kate, lost, before realizing what she's talking about. "Oh, a car!" he says. Hee! Further, I've just moved to a place where a local auto dealership bills itself as the "Home of the Hummer," which I have to imagine is quite disappointing for a lot of potential clients. "Fully loaded," says Miss Fisher. "It's on the tape. See for yourself." "Will do," says Nick, as he continues to make notes, as he generally does in these meetings. Something tells me that if one were to look at Nick's notepad, you'd see dozens of women with big breasts. Perhaps sensing that she's best off addressing the defence team member without a member, Miss Fisher tells Kate that if the show airs, she won't be able to live with herself. "They turned me into a joke. My whole life will be reduced to a joke on national television." Um, not that I don't sympathize, but my general feeling is that people who ask to have the cameras trained on them for the purposes of personal gain should be prepared to, you know, have the cameras trained on them. And if the show exposes your husband to be a cheating jerk, maybe the show did you a favour. At any rate, I highly doubt that a reality show can be blocked from going to air because somebody winds up looking stupid. Who would be left?
After the meeting, Nick's impressed that Kate suggested a temporary restraining order, as that will add about fifty billable hours to what had been a relatively simple divorce. "You're catching on, my young pupil," he says, like he's the wizened old mentor. Kate rants that she doesn't understand why people go on those shows in the first place -- or why people would watch them. "Don't they have anything better to do? Whatever happened to books?" "I remember those!" says Nick. Then he says they should get a copy of that videotape. "For evidence!" he says. Credits.
Commercials. I can't even imagine how much more fun I could be having in my life if I just added pepperoni to all my regular activities.
Kate's in her bedroom wearing a short lingerie thing that's quite becoming, and soft music is playing, and she's rubbing her legs with something, which would mean it's about time for Michael to call, which he does (Kate's phone's call display tells us so). She looks at the display and thinks about it for a moment before she picks up, knowing that this is going to be one of those flirty conversations where she and Michael lounge around their respective bedrooms speaking softly to each other. Apparently deciding that it beats rubbing her legs with ylang ylang or jojoba or whatever it is she's doing, she picks up. Michael asks what she's doing and she says "nothing," which always makes me think of the time that Elaine told Jerry she did nothing last night and explained that she sat in a chair and stared. Michael asks if she's doing "girl things" and Kate asks, almost irritably, what exactly he thinks "girl things" are, and he says, "I don't know, shopping?" and Kate starts to say, "Michael, what you don't know about women --" and he says, "I know, I've got a book coming out." But it strikes me that women get most irritated by a man's stereotypical views on women when the man has zeroed in on a stereotype that fits the particular woman perfectly, as is the case here. Although, to be fair, she's obviously still annoyed over the whole Lauren thing (except should we remind Kate who insisted that Lauren stay for dinner?).
Speaking of that, he apologizes for that, saying he should never have let Lauren come for dinner. "It was arguably the worst call of all time." No, the worst call of all time was not picking Wayne Gretzky for the shootout to decide Canada's game against the Czech Republic in the 1998 Winter Olympics. This is up there, though, and Kate agrees (with Michael, not with me). "I didn't know you two were in touch," says Kate. Michael says it's off and on, "but there's nothing, you know, going on." "I don't need to know that, Michael," says Kate, and Michael's response is that he wants her to know -- and he wants to try dinner again. "The three of us?" says Kate. No, silly! Michael suggests tomorrow night, but Kate says she has plans. She might be lying. Michael says a client of his is having an open house Wednesday night to show off the house Michael designed for him. "I'd love for you to see it," he says. "I don't know, Michael," says Kate. Undaunted, Michael adds, "And I'd love to see you." Kate says "maybe" she'll stop by, like, ACCEPT HIS APOLOGY AND MOVE ON, Kate. "I'll email you directions," says Michael, like, what is up with the emailing of directions on this show, and then he says, "Sweet dreams," and Kate looks like she just got hit on the head with a two-by-four, and they hang up and Kate squeals and flops back onto her bed.
The day, Kate exchanges awkward hellos with Lauren in her office before settling in to go over some things with her. First up: verifying some information in a joint tax return. Lauren fake-casually brings up Michael, saying she hopes she didn't interrupt a dating-strategy session the other night, and Kate assures her it's fine, and Lauren's curious as to how the whole matchmaking thing is going, saying she can offer some advice, since she knows what Michael likes and doesn't like. "I'm sure you do!" Kate says brightly, trying to get down to business, mumbling something about deducting property taxes from their house in Napa, but she doesn't see it on the return. "Well, that's what Adam told me," says Lauren, who adds that that would make sense, what with Adam being a lying liar who lies all the time. Not like Michael, though. "He may waffle when it comes to relationships, but he certainly has integrity," says Lauren. "He really does," says Kate, no doubt forgetting the time Michael wanted Kate to dump his new girlfriend for him. Now that's integrity! Then Kate seizes on the other thing Lauren said, and asks what she meant by "waffle." Lauren breezily says that Michael can be a tad slippery at times; one moment you think you're close to him, the moment he's gone. Oh, but Kate must know that by now, being his matchmaker and everything, right? Lauren smiles her Evil Brunette Minx Vixen smile. "Maybe he just hasn't found the right person yet," says Kate. But Lauren's not done. Pretending she's fascinated by the whole matchmaking business, she asks what happens when a man comes along and Kate wants to keep him for herself. Kate stammers out something about being new at the whole thing and figuring out the rules as she goes along. "Seems like a minefield for a single woman," says Lauren. "I guess it is," agrees Kate. Finished mucking things up for now, Lauren promises to check into the Napa house property tax thing or whatever, and gets up to go, leaving Kate behind to make disconcerted faces.
In court the day, Kate's asking the judge for a temporary restraining order on Episode One of Honeymoon Hotel, produced by "Chuck Webb productions" since the airing of the episode will cause "grievous emotional and psychological distress" to their client, which prompts Other Lawyer to stand up and spit fire to the effect that the TRO would cause grievous distress to the First Amendment's right to free speech. "But hey, 'emotional distress'! Screw the First Amendment!" he yells, rather hammy, and I think the actor should know that he's a little long in the tooth to get noticed for his stellar work in a bit part on Miss Match, and his sarcastic histrionics cause the judge to throw a pencil or something at him. It's a little much, but you can hardly blame her. "Apologize!" she shouts. "You will not address the court in that tone," and she is of course correct, but maybe if she wants her courtroom to be a model of decorum she should refrain from, I don't know, THROWING SHIT AT THE LAWYERS, and Kate's jaw actually drops, and the besieged defence lawyer apologizes. "Forgive me, but this motion should be laughed out of court." "Do you see me laughing," says the judge, rather imperiously. The answer is, I don't think anyone has seen her laugh. Ever. And if the judge looks familiar, it's because she was also the bearded lady on Carnivale. She was also in a movie called Dickwad. How can you not love the IMDb? "Miss Fox, I'll give you your TRO," says the judge. She says they'll meet tomorrow, at which time they'll set a trial date. Kate sits down and whispers to Nick, "I can't believe that worked." "We're lucky we got Judge Blake," he whispers back. "She's so insane, we might just be in luck." So they're lucky, and they might also be in luck. But Judge Blake isn't through. "In my chambers," she says. Kate and Nick both stand up, but Judge Blake says, "No, just you," pointing at Kate. Nick practically shoves her, he's so happy Judge Blake doesn't want to see him.
In chambers, Judge Blake stomps past Kate all business and sits down at her desk. "You have a lovely courtroom demeanour, Miss Fox. That goes a long way," she says. Kate thanks her, and the judge continues to blather on about how she holds herself to high standards, and she expects others to do the same. Right back atcha, says Kate. Oh, and Judge Blake has reached a point in her career where she's started to think about her options, like getting married and having children. "Good for you!" squeals Kate. Kate does sound sincerely thrilled. "I also enjoy water sports, the opera, long walks on the beach, and travelling abroad." Kate's starting to look confused, but it might just be that she thinks the judge wants to leave her enjoyment of "water sports" out of any personals ad she places. When Kate doesn't say anything, the judge goes first. "What else do you need?" she says. "For what?" asks Kate. In a tone of voice that carries an underlying implication of "duh," Judge Blake says, "I want you to be my matchmaker!" "You do?" squeals Kate. Again, she seems genuinely thrilled, instead of, oh, I don't know, rather horrified at this gross breach of ethics. "I hear you're good, and I'm a bad-date magnet," says the judge, who goes on to explain that all she attracts are losers. Oh, and she's tried other dating services, and all they sent her were losers! Can you believe it? The judge says "losers" a few hundred more times as Kate makes a mental note that she shouldn't set clients up with losers. To Kate's credit, she starts to broach the whole unethical nature of this little proposition, but the judge tells her not to be such a "Girl Scout," so I'm not sure why we were subjected to the judge's "high standards" lecture just a moment ago. Then she rattles off what she's looking for: doctor, lawyer, entrepreneur, mid-six-figure income, has all his hair. No blonds. "I hate blonds. No offence," she says. Kate's taken aback. What else? Forty to forty-five years old, between five-ten and six-two, killer smile. "And of course, he has to be hot. Muscular, 160, 165," she says. At the risk of sounding indelicate, she's looking for someone half her size. "I'm free tomorrow night," finishes the judge. "And Kate? I will not compromise." The wacky music kicks in as the judge goes back to work and Kate stands there discombobulated for a second before turning to leave, starting to say something, then thinking better of it.
Instead, she sounds off to her dad back at the office. "That woman is out of her mind! She should recuse herself from the case," she says, and once again I'm struck at how naive Kate is for complaining about ethical breaches with her dad. That's like complaining to Tony Soprano about the schoolyard bully. Her dad says they can't give up Judge Blake, who gave them their TRO on a silver platter. But Kate says the woman's unreasonable, and she wants Kate to find her George Clooney. Fox Daddy points out that George Clooney is single. Hee. Still, Kate's worried that if she doesn't find someone good enough for Judge Blake, the judge will take it out on Kate in the courtroom. Kate says that if the judge won't recuse herself, Kate will have to recuse herself as matchmaker. "Well, you can't do that," says Fox Daddy. "Why not?" says Kate. Because "recuse" is a legal term that wouldn't apply to your little matchmaker hobby? Nah. Jerrold just says the number one rule of being a lawyer is "don't piss off the judge." Anyway, Fox Daddy comes up with a plan that, all other things being equal, really isn't that bad. He tells Kate to tell Judge Blake she'll be happy to set her up, but she's obligated to tell opposing counsel about the arrangement. Opposing counsel will go ballistic and won't allow it, whereupon the judge will blame him for screwing up her love life. Kate's quite agreeable to the plan
The day in court, the judge sets a trial date of Tuesday and warns everyone to a) be on time, b) not surprise her (she hates surprises), and c) get their trash out of her courtroom. Kate stands up and innocently asks to talk to the judge on an unrelated matter.
In Blake's chambers, Kate sweetly informs the judge that she's thrilled to be in business with her, but she feels it's only appropriate to alert opposing counsel of the arrangement. "Fine. Tell whatshisname if he has a problem he can take it up with me," says the judge. Kate thanks her and rushes off to catch up with Whatshisname outside of court. Whatshisname's name is actually Phil, and Kate tells him she needs to disclose something that he's not going to like, and lays out the judge's request, and lets him know (a little too obviously) that the judge is still in her chambers if Phil wants to go and give her a piece of his mind for violating the judicial code of conduct so blatantly. "What does matchmaking entail?" asks Philshisname. Kate explains that she hangs out with the judge and sends her out on dates with the hope of finding a perfect match for her. "Oh, I've got no problem with that," says Philshisname. Kate's rather surprised. "You're supposed to find someone who's going to love Judge Blake? Good luck!" he says, and walks off. My thoughts exactly. Kate calls after him that there's a possibility Kate will be successful and then the judge would favour Kate in the courtroom. Well, Kate, that would be known as grounds for appeal. Nice work. Nick, who's been trailing behind and rolling his eyes the whole time, strolls up. "Are we good?" he says, and Kate just stomps off. Commercials.
Isn't it a huge assumption to make that anyone at all is rooting for anyone on Average Joe, let alone "America"?
Back at Fox and Associates, Kate is no longer the victim of Claire's utter uselessness as a receptionist; she's now the one responsible, as Claire appears to be helping Kate write a personals ad for Judge Black, so the skinny Claire really endears herself to everyone by running down many euphemisms for people of Judge Black's carriage, including "curvy," "Rubenesque," and "supersize." It's Nick's helpful opinion that "if baby got back, you must disclose," displaying once again his winning sensitivity. When Fox Daddy strolls in and finds out Kate's dilemma, he tells her he's got a golfing buddy named Sergio who "loves a woman you can really put your arms around." Kate's thrilled, but still disgusted enough to say she's not going to ask how Jerrold knows that. She does ask if Sergio is nice, though. "He's a perfect gentlemen, and very handsome too," says Jerrold. "Tell me more!" squeals Kate.
Evidently, Kate hears enough, as she's on the phone leaving a message for Judge Blake about her dinner with Sergio that night.
Ramon strolls in with a "hey, good lookin'," a copy of episode one of Honeymoon Hotel, and a slightly sleazy air of '70s machismo. He promises that Episodes Two through Six will follow, but Episode One does have Freddy winning the Hummer as well as his little tryst with the thong-wearer. Kate wants to know where he got it, and Ramon actually tugs on his lapels as he identifies his source as a lovely lady in post-production. "She gave it to you?" says Kate. "I like to think we gave it to each other," says Ramon. Not only that, he just flew in from the coast, and boy, are his arms tired. Then Ramon, with a strange air of distaste, says the show should be called Infidelity Inn, not Honeymoon Hotel. You just know he's been waiting all day to use that quip on Kate, who just waves him away and pops the television in the VCR to watch. Filling the Jeff Probst role on this fake reality show is none other than Brian "Too Annoying Even for Fans of American Idol" Dunkleman, who sets up the show by saying one couple will win a dream home and five others will find out that dreams don't always come true -- "the hard way," he appends. Kate wrinkles her nose at the cheesiness, the ungrammaticalness, or the Dunklemania, or a combination of the three.
Extreme close-up of Claire ordering, via headset telephone, a bottle of Veuve Clicquot or whatnot to be sent to Michael Mendelsohn, and she manages to get snotty with the person on the other end by explaining that "it's a party; someone should be there to sign for it." She turns away, and there's Lauren, dropping off an envelope. Do you think she heard about the party?
Claire, Kate, and Nick have dropped all pretense of doing actual work and are actually munching on popcorn while watching Honeymoon Hotel, and I'd just like to say that people who use the office microwave to make popcorn should be locked up in a poorly ventilated room and forced to breathe in that nasty stinky non-butter smell until their nose starts to bleed. Anyway, Dunkleman is going on about the sun setting on Honeymoon Hotel and wondering aloud whether there will be "relaxation and reading" or "copulation and cheating," like copulation is just as sinister as cheating in Hollywood's hypocritical view. And Dunkleman says that what the couples don't know is that one couple isn't really a couple at all, and it's their job to lure one "weak spouse" into a cabana for a night of "sin under the stars." Naturally, Claire, Nick, and Kate are agog, with Claire exclaiming that the whole thing was a sham, which makes it markedly different from any other reality show…how? And Nick makes some joke about how Miss Fisher (shown kneeling on her bed all alone and forlorn) thought she was going on Survivor but actually wound up on Temptation Island, which I think translates as "Don't sue us; Honeymoon Hotel is not meant to represent Temptation Island," kind of like one of those "ripped from the headlines" episodes of Law & Order where they explicitly mention the real-life case during the episode as some sort of libel insurance, like you sit there and say, "Oh, this one's based on Susan Smith," and they then refer to Susan Smith on the show to try to pretend that this is a totally different case so as not to get sued for misrepresentation.
Kate runs up to Judge Blake wondering if she's okay, because she sounded upset in the message she left for Kate that none of us got to hear. Turns out Judge Blake considers Sergio a "loser," and not only that, he's "fat." And Judge Blake does not want to date a fat loser, "especially one with mother issues." Kate suggest that maybe they should move beyond superficial qualities like weight. "Why?" snaps Judge Blake, looking directly at Kate, daring her to say something. Kate wonders if Judge Blake and Sergio didn't have lots to talk about, but Blake says that she can talk to her cat; what she wants from Kate are results. "Frankly, Miss Fox, I'm as unimpressed with your matchmaking skills as I am with your latest briefs in the Honeymoon Hotel case." She orders Kate to find her someone else for tomorrow night, as she happens to be free. She stomps off, heel prints embedded directly in Kate's forehead.
Michael's client's party. Kate arrives, and I know all of you have been spoiled in the last couple of recaps with descriptions of her hair and clothes, and Lord knows I aim to please, so here goes: Kate's hair is kind of up on top but still hangs down some, and also she's wearing a red dress. Anything else? Um, okay. And her hair is really…cute? And also, her dress is…cute. Kate spies Michael talking to someone when she's interrupted by Lauren, who starts bubbling about how she can tell Michael was inspired when he designed this house. Kate's quite surprised to see her, as she is by Lauren's use of the first-person plural including Michael when she says, "We're right over here," as she snags some wine for Michael, who, as Lauren informs Kate, is having a great time. Lauren says she remembers most of these people "from back in the day," whatever that's supposed to mean, and whisper-asks Kate how Lauren should introduce her: as Michael's matchmaker or as Lauren's lawyer? Kate politely says she's here tonight as Michael's friend, thanks.
They arrive at Michael's side, with Michael graciously accepting the glass of wine from Lauren and then leaning in to Kate to kiss her cheek and whisper, "What's Lauren doing here?" and of course Kate was just about to ask him the same thing. Then the owner of the house strolls up wanting to be introduced to Michael's "harem," like, how badly does this guy need his eyes poked out, and Michael introduces Ian to Kate: "Matchmaker, lawyer, and friend." Ian says, "A multi-hyphenate. Impressive," and he's really coming across like Mark McKinney's Darryl character from The Kids in the Hall, and he also introduces Lauren as an "old friend," and Lauren then announces that she needs to "borrow" Michael for a moment, and Michael looks like he's passing a kidney stone, but Ian gives the go-ahead, so Lauren takes Michael by the arm, leaving Kate to drown in Ian's smarm as he says he's fascinated by matchmaking. You know where this is leading; yes, Kate will talk to a perfect stranger for five minutes and then decide to pair him up with a client who's paying her a thousand dollars, and then she'll make her Eeek! face when things don't go smoothly. And meanwhile she's watching Lauren lead Michael around the whole time from couple to couple. Since she's being incredibly obvious, Ian notices Kate's interest and says, "Cute couple, don't you think?" so Kate makes a little thin-lipped smile.
Later, Kate's tossing back the champagne and wandering through the house when she's grabbed and pulled into a little alcove that's bare, save for dozens of unattended candles just waiting to burn the house down. It's Michael who's "kidnapped" her. "What happened to Lauren?" gripes Kate, and Michael's all, "Well, I didn't invite her," and Kate's all, "Well, neither did I," and Michael's all, can we not talk about my ex-girlfriend, and Kate says that'd be great. So Michael explains that this stupid room is his favourite room, and it's the "wishing room," and he got the idea for it when Ian sent him to Nepal for "inspiration." The reason there's nothing in the room is so there's room for the wishes, or whatever, and Kate, who sounds slightly drunk, asks if Michael believes that, and he just tells her to close her eyes. She does, and he moves around behind her and tells her to make a wish. Kate's getting into it, but suddenly draws away to lecture him because she has no idea what he's doing, because he's sending mixed signals, and maybe he's still got feelings for his ex-girlfriend. "I can't ever read you. And you make no effort to tell me how you feel, if you feel anything at all, and --" In what is obviously a bid to shut her up, Michael leans in and kisses her. He wants to make himself perfectly clear: "From the moment I saw you, Kate, I couldn't get you out of my head." Kate's eyes are like saucers. "Every time you set me up with someone, I hoped she'd be like you. Only I realized, I didn't want someone like you; I wanted you. I've always wanted you. But you keep throwing women at me, so I just never knew --" and this time Kate kisses him in what is obviously a bid to jam her tongue down his throat. After they come up for air, she whispers, "It worked." What did? asks Michael. "The wishing room," says Kate, and they kiss some more, much to the chagrin of Lauren, who's standing there taking everything in. Commercials.
The morning, Kate is taking coffee from the coffee shop out to Victoria on the sidewalk, who's grumpily pointing out that she doesn't get up this early for anybody but Kate so this better be a life-threatening emergency, even though every friggin' episode features the two of them getting coffee in the mornings, and Kate giggles that she saw Michael last night, and Victoria rightfully points out that she thought they were done with the whole Michael thing. "I was, but he pulled me back in," laughs Kate, and Victoria wonders if Michael is the Godfather or something, and have I mentioned how much I love Victoria, and Kate's absolutely beaming, and Victoria wonders if that's a "we kissed" smile or a "we kissed, we went back to his place, I just rolled out of his bed" smile. The former, says Kate, which likely doesn't impress Victoria too much, but still, she's quite happy for Kate and wants to know all the details. "It was perfect," says Kate, and Victoria, the hard-nosed yin to Kate's romantic yang, says she might cry. Kate sets the scene for her, the whole stupid "wishing room" thing, and says it was very innocent and still very sexy. "You are totally a couple," squeals Victoria, and Kate disagrees. She says they're totally something; she just doesn't know what. Oh, and I think her hair and outfit are cute.
In the office, Ramon has apparently paid another booty call on the post-production woman, since he's got Episodes Two and Three, with Four through Six coming up. Kate says he works fast, and Ramon says that expediency is his business, or some such. Meanwhile, Claire yells through the office that Chuck Webb of Chuck Webb Production is on the phone, like, nice office demeanour, and Kate wants to know from Ramon if Webb knows about the episodes he's, um, earned. "No way!" says an indignant Ramon, who follows Kate into her office just so she can say thanks and wave goodbye. She picks up the phone, and Chuck Webb is played by the guy who was Mad Dog or Bulldog or whatever on Frasier. And despite the fact that he's wearing a headset telephone, he's screaming at the top of his lungs -- not in an angry way, but in the stereotypical vigorous way of television executives who don't have time for quiet. He wants to do lunch; Kate puts him on hold for a second or two, and Bulldog starts yelling, "What? What am I holding?" like, SHUT UP FOR A SECOND, and Fox Daddy has come in to break the good news that they're getting interview requests from all over about Honeymoon Hotel, and he's thrilled that Chuck Webb wants to do lunch, and forgive me for thinking that if Miss Fisher wanted to avoid the publicity this show would likely generate, maybe the law firm should shy away from doing as many interviews as humanly possible.
So lunch consists of sushi at Chuck Webb's desk, because he's so busy he can't leave the office, you see, and he tells her to call him Chuck, and Kate for once on this show is all business. Chuck says what he cares about is Honeymoon Hotel airing month; what he doesn't care about is Mia and Freddy Fisher. Kate points out that Mia and Freddy Fisher are getting a divorce because of his show. "No one forced Freddy to lick that girl's armpit," is Chuck's response. Kate points out that they weren't aware of the show's setup and all the cameras, and cites penal code; Chuck says it wouldn't have been any fun if the Fishers knew everything, and cites the release form they signed. "Which left out one essential detail," says Kate. Chuck insists that Mia knew what she was getting into, that she just wanted to "shake her ass" and get a house without paying for it, and I think I'm going to have to agree with him on this. "That's the American dream, and that's entertainment," he says. Kate says the Romans said the same thing while watching the lions at the Colosseum, which Chuck says would make a great show but would never get past the censors. He asks what Kate cares about; she says Mia Fisher, and wants Mia edited out of the show. Chuck says that ain't gonna happen, but he will give her another Hummer. Fortunately, Nick isn't here to spew sushi across the desk. He also offers to get Mia an agent, and rambles on at length about how he hates spending money on lawyers, who'd bill him $600 for lunch. Which reminds him: you've got to try the shiitake avocado rolls! Kate wryly tells him that not everyone is for sale, but she smiles and hoovers down the sushi anyway. "You know, if I ever need a prenup or a divorce, I will give you a call. You're ruthless! We're peas in a pod!" he yells. "I see no similarities," says Kate, who, not without humour, points out that she looks after her clients' best interests. Well, so does Chuck, you ninny; his clients just happen to be the networks, not Mia and Freddy Fame-Whore. "Well, at least I give out prizes!" he says, and as Kate leaves, he yell-thanks her for all the free publicity and says their ratings are going to soar. Well, sure, but your show offers armpit-licking. That's a license to print money!
Late at night, Kate's still working, so Fox Daddy wanders in to offer his standard Daddy Seal of Approval over how dedicated she is. She beams, and he says goodnight. He wanders off, and the phone immediately rings, and it's Michael, hoping for some more phone flirtation. Kate's happy to oblige, especially since Michael's cooing that he was thinking about her all day and wants to know how soon she can come over. She begs off, citing work, and the night's no good either, as she has court the following day. "Name the time," says Michael. "After court, I'm all yours," says Kate. Michael's rather pleased by this, and they say their goodbyes and Kate giggles like she can't believe she just said that, and yes, this is sweet and everything, but if I have to put up with this insipidness for the remainder of the season I am going to shoot myself. Kate's outfit? Still cute.
Judge Blake and Ian are out for dinner, like, how nice for them to show us the date this time, and Ian is rambling on telling the epic saga that is his life, while Judge Blake sits back and crosses her arms and makes a face like Roz from old Night Court episodes. She actually interrupts him to say, "You know what, Ian, I think I've heard enough." "What d'you mean?" he asks, and she asks if she may be blunt. Of course, he says, so she gives it to him with both barrels. "I find you arrogant without merit, your story tired, your delivery weak. You've got a bit of a slouch, your right eye droops, and your accent -- slightly suspect." She leans back, rather satisfied. Ian makes a face like she just admitted there's no better meal than a steaming plate of vomit. "Should we get dessert, or you wanna call it a night?" she says.
So of course Victoria's there and has nothing better to do than spy on yet another of Kate's disastrous setups, and she whips out the cordless phone to call Kate and say, "Houston, we have a problem," and Kate wonders if it can be fixed, and Victoria watches Judge Blake stomp off. General Thunderbolt Ross must be after her. "Negative," says Victoria, who explains that the judge is very judgmental, and also that she's a menace to society. But enough about that! Victoria wants the Michael update. Kate wonders if it's bad that she told Michael that she was all his. "Well, I'd definitely shave my legs," says Victoria. Kate giggles.
I like how Judge Blake's chambers just has a sign that says "Judge's Chambers" in big block letters on it. Kate knocks, and the judge yells for her to enter. "You," she says, when she sees it's Kate, who opens with a "Listen, Judge," before the judge cuts her off to tear into her about the diminishing returns she's getting, claiming that each guy is worse than the one before, like, we're talking about TWO guys here. Blake can't bear to imagine what her date is going to be like. "He might not even be human!" Kate takes a good long pause before she dares to say, "Your Honour -- has it ever occurred to you that it might not be your date that's the problem?" Blake sits down and gives her a flat "no," so Kate softens it up a bit by offering to work with Judge Blake on her dating etiquette, but before she can go too far down that path, Blake asks, "Are you saying that I'm the problem?" Kate demurs. "Problem's the wrong word," she says, but the judge points out that it was Kate's word, and repeats the question. "Are you saying that I'm the problem?" Kate thinks it over. "Maybe," she says. "Okay. We're done here," says the judge. Kate wants to talk some more, but the judge gives her diatribe about how she's spent her whole life being judged and insulted and she won't stand for it again. Kate says she's just trying to help. "Well, your help is no longer required. You're fired. See you in court." Kate walks out, takes a moment to collect herself outside, and walks away. Hair? Cute. Outfit? Cute. And while the bubbliness of this show sometimes wears on me a bit, I have nothing for praise for the job Alicia Silverstone does; she's quite an underrated actress. I just thought I should say that so as not to come across as too harsh. And also, in case she's ever in Fort McMurray and wants to call me.
, we're watching some more Temptation Is-- I mean, Honeymoon Hotel, and the audience has grown from Nick and Claire to Kate to pretty much the entire office and support staff, like, the FedEx guy is there watching. Only Nick and Claire get to speak, though, and they're analyzing trivial little details when Kate walks in and waves off an apology that the gang is watching without her, and she says she watched the episode twice this morning: "It's kind of refreshing to know all these people have it much worse than I do." And after a few minutes of this, and determining somehow that they're watching Episode Six and are missing Episode Five, Nick starts wondering what happened to Erica, whoever that is, and in walks Fox Daddy. "What happened to my law firm?" he yells, and everyone scatters like when the teacher comes back into the classroom. And Kate APOLOGIZES, saying that it's kind of addictive, and I should point out that it actually concerns one of her cases, so I'm not sure why she's apologizing on behalf of everyone. And the show continues, and Fox Daddy stands there transfixed, so I guess he's addicted now too.
Fox Daddy meets with Lauren in his office, giving her the de rigueur "how's my favourite client?" greeting. "Not so good, Jerry," she says, and since that means she won't let him kiss her, he wants to know how he can help. She's not sure, though (although I bet she's lying). She tells Jerrold it has to do with Kate; she's a fine gal, and sharp as a tack and all that, but she spends a lot of time with my ex-boyfriend, someone who I still have feelings, and consarn it, I told Kate as much. "If their relationship was anything more than friendly, I don't think I'd feel comfortable with this firm representing me," she says. "Absolutely," says Jerrold. Lauren really lays it on, saying that this is the hardest time she's ever had to go through. "There's no reason to make it harder for me." Again, Jerrold agrees, and he doubts Kate would do any such thing, but he will talk to her. Lauren, however, would prefer to clear this up now.
So in comes Kate, about to be ambushed by Lauren with the assistance of dear ol' Dad, who wants her to assure Lauren that she and Michael are just friends. "Why is this important?" asks Kate, and Jerrold explains that it might be hard for Lauren to trust her, and by extension the firm, if she were "making hay" with Michael. "Well, we're not," says Kate, although maybe she's as confused as I am as to what exactly "making hay" entails. "Thank you, Kate. That's all I needed to hear," says Lauren, who then thanks the both of them as she leaves. Fox Daddy gives Kate a "what's with her?" before Kate lets him have it. "How could you do that to me?" she asks him, and he is of course clueless as to what he actually did. She accuses him of putting her on the spot in a way that was entirely disrespectful. He wonders what the harm is, unless there really is something going on with Michael, and she doesn't say as much, but he figures out that in fact there is. He wonders why, if this guy is so important, he hasn't met him yet. Kate says he did -- at Thanksgiving, and Jerrold's rather lame response is that Michael certainly didn't make much of an impression. Kate blah blahs about Lauren interfering in her personal life, and Jerrold, getting a little angrier, says that if Kate's personal life is interfering, then they "have an issue!" And, as he reminds Kate, they've been down this road before. Kate accuses him of being hypocritical. "Hey, when I sleep with a client, it helps the case!" he says. Heh! Ryan O'Neal really deserves more screen time. Kate stomps off, Fox Daddy following so he can tell her that he doesn't want to know about it and he doesn't want Lauren to know about it; it's in her hands, and he's confident she'll do the right thing. Well, that would be a first. Commercials.
Trial time. Philshisname is questioning Chuck Webb as to whether Mia was aware of the dangers inherent in going on a reality show. Kate's reasonable objections are, each and every one, overruled by Judge Blake, who gets more and more vicious with each "overruled!" Fox Daddy, who has decided to show up for trial, whispers, "You pissed off the judge, didn't you?" Chuck is going on about how his show actually did Mia a favour by exposing her husband as the cheating rat he is, and for some reason points out how much publicity Fox and Associates has received as a result of this trial. "It's all self-interest," he says, earning another "objection!" from Kate and a very pissed-off "overruled!" from Judge Blake, so Kate squeaks out a request to speak to the judge in her chambers. That's shot down by Blake, who snottily points out that the judge requests meetings in her chambers, not the other way around, so Kate asks to approach the bench, without the court reporter. When she gets there, she says Judge Blake is punishing her for reasons that have nothing to do with this trial. "How dare you accuse me of impropriety! I'm your judge!" she says. And Kate says, "I'm your matchmaker!" which I hate to tell her doesn't really carry quite as much weight -- no pun intended. But Kate says she has "feedback" that indicates Judge Black treats a lot of people with impropriety. Judge Black finally says the F-word and wants Kate to admit that her dates don't like her because she's fat. Kate tells Judge Blake that she's a very attractive woman, and it's not her weight that's the problem; it's her personality. Hearing this, Chuck, who's still on the stand, smiles, and the judge, momentarily taken aback, barks a "What are you looking at?" at him. "You can't be the judge all the time. Especially on your dates," says Kate. "I know how hard that is. But you just might like the ruling you get." That'll do, Kate. The judge says Kate has one more chance, so Kate asks the judge to give her case a fair listen. "Of course. Flimsy as it may be," says the judge, who adjourns court for the day. Philshisname looks like he just swallowed a thumbtack.
Outside court, Chuck tells Kate the judge should have her own show. Kate thinks he's kidding and calls Blake a real "crowd-pleaser." But Chuck's serious. "When she's mean, she is a star. And she's even sexy in that fatty-fat-fat kind of way." Then he thinks better of that, not because it's an incredibly assoholic thing to say, but because the judge could lose weight and gain it and people would enjoy that. Kate sarcastically says she'll pass on his enthusiasm, and Chuck makes her promise. He runs off, but calls back to say he's sending over Episode Five, since he heard Kate was missing it, and Kate makes her "I'm so embarrassed I was found out!" face.
Back at the office, Claire buzzes Kate to let her know that Mia and Freddy Fisher are there to see her, but before she can meet with them, her dad rushes in with Nick to turn on the television, and promos for Honeymoon Hotel are already airing (with such great taglines as "Just because you've settled down doesn't mean you can't sleep around"). Nick asks Kate if she remembered to include promos in the temporary restraining order, and I guess she didn't, but before they can fully examine the stupidities of this plot contrivance, in bustle a very happy Freddy and Mia Fisher, who have decided to get back together. Mia wants to drop the suit, because in the ONE DAY that the promos have been airing, all kinds of people have been calling them, from old acquaintances and relatives, to endorsements, to Ellen (to book them on her show), like, yeah, we really believe that reality shows are still so amazingly popular that these two nudniks have been catapulted to fame based on a thirty-second promo that's been airing for one day, so let's just leave this stupid plotline at that, shall we? Other than to mention that Kate gripes this whole thing was a "waste of time" and I COULDN'T HAVE SAID IT BETTER MYSELF.
Speaking of stupid plotlines, the judge and Chuck are eating at the Only Bar, and Chuck is blabbing on about how she needs to lose the robe, which is a "holdover," whatever that means, and that the gavel is the only thing that works. A very happy Judge Blake is really enjoying herself. "Go on, I'm listening," she says. WE GET IT. We don't need to hear Chuck say, "You nasty. And that's hot." So okay, they're on their way to getting it on. Naturally, Victoria's standing right there with a cordless phone and a book of judicial references to make. "The verdict is in," she says, and you should see my eyes rolling right about now. "It's a match!" she adds, and Kate thinks that is amazing, but adds, "I'm not going to judge it," and it was all I could do at this point to keep from hurling the television out the window. Victoria inquires about tonight being the big night with Michael, and Kate says no, but before she can explain the situation to a confused Victoria, the doorbell rings, so Kate hangs up and goes to answer the door.
It's Michael, who comes in and leans in for a kiss, only to have Kate recoil, and then apologize for recoiling, so Michael heads outside to try that again. He comes back in, and Kate says they need to talk. Michael says okay, but then Kate's kettle starts whistling so they scurry into the kitchen. He's a little amazed that they're already having a talk even though they haven't had a date. Kate says he's making this hard, so he says he's not going to make it easy, and leans in for a kiss again. Denied! Kate asks if he told Lauren about them. Michael pauses for a moment before saying no. "She thinks there's something going on with us," says Kate. "There is," says Michael, and Kate makes her doe eyes. "Well, she doesn't want it happening," says Kate, and Michael wants to know why they're even talking about Lauren. Because, Kate says, she still has feelings for you. And Michael says of course that Lauren has nothing to do with the two of them, and Kate tells him about Lauren's visit to the office. Michael's somewhat south of thrilled. Kate says she doesn't know what to do. "And I don't know what to say," says a frustrated Michael, who says he can't ask Kate to sacrifice her work for him. Kate looks like she's ready to cry. "We haven't even gone out," says Michael. "I know," says Kate. They look at each other, and then start to pretend that it's really no big thing. It was just a kiss, right? Yeah, no big whoop! Kate gives her "maybe when the case is over" line, and Michael pretends to think that'll work, and they gaze lustily at each other some more, until Michael turns to go. But not for long; he comes back in, grabs Kate's face with both his hands, and they start making out, bouncing from wall to wall like that guy in the A-Ha video at the end when he's trying to bust out of the comic book. Destination: bedroom.