Fade up on The Little Coffee Shop of Chick-errific Reconciliation, where Kate "Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Heal Thyself" Fox and a stiff-looking Amy are apparently working on achieving détente after the recent freaky freeze-out. Amy, apparently having had surgery to remove whatever was up her fanny last week, gushes that she's "so happy [they're] doing this." Amy pays for the coffee, giving the money to a barista who seems to be wearing a jogging suit, like, thanks for dropping by midway through your sweaty workout to handle the scones, lady. Anyway, Amy paying for coffee makes Kate feel power-played or something, judging by the way she wiggles uncomfortably under the enormous vertical rise of her hair. I would hardly think Kate would have time to worry about going Dutch in the middle of the incredibly complicated diplomatic maneuvering that Amy now requires, but I suppose that other people are free to be a lot nicer than I am. Amy claims that she's been "beside [her]self with embarrassment" over the way she lectured Kate to go away and basically acted all bitchy. Kate, because doing so is programmed into her genes, smiles gently and assures Amy that everything is fine. A rapturous Amy sighingly thrills to the fact that her experience with Michael has been "so stunning." She calls him the "ideal man" (which I sort of agree with, because, I mean, have you seen him?), and offers the fairly lame excuse that the wonderment of it all made her uneasy. "I get it...kind of," Kate says, gently baffled by the argument that Amy's boyfriend was so nifty that he just forced her to treat Kate like gum on the bottom of her shoe.
You know, this is where my mind started to wander to the fact that I'm not sure how I feel about this blue sweater Kate is wearing. On one hand, it's a lovely deep color, but on the other hand, I'm becoming an opponent of all bunchy collars. I think this is the extra-turtly kind, too. I should probably be concentrating on the riveting dialogue.
Anyway, Amy goes back into that annoying mode your friends occasionally adopt where they want you to think it's cute that they spent a week or so being, as Amy describes it, "insane" and "paranoid." Don't knock it till you try it, I guess. Amy grins through her eerily shiny lipstick that she and Michael are so indebted to Kate that they really do hope to make her "a part of [their] lives." This very relationshippy comment from Amy seems to set Kate's teeth on edge, but she just asks Amy if she's sure she no longer hopes Kate will vanish like a well-treated ink stain. "Of course I'm sure," says Amy Shiny-Lips, and she takes a sip of her coffee. That mug she's sucking is going to need extra suds to get it clean, because I am telling you, that lipstick is greasy. Kate assures Amy that she'd love to be part of the circle of love: "Obviously, I think you're both terrific." In fact, Kate perseveres against what I can only hope is her best judgment; she would like to invite Amy and Michael to her house for Thanksgiving, if they don't have plans. As it turns out, however, they do have plans -- they're going to Amy's parents' house for the ceremonial Meeting of the Mom and Dad. Call me a stick in the mud, but that does seem kind of speedy. Kate, always eager to stick an emotional knife in her own cheery chest, grins happily. "Things are going well!" she observes. Amy agrees: "Yes, really well!" Wow, everything's so good with Amy and Michael! I guess David Conrad will have to leave the show after they get married.
Alas, as summer follows spring, so must a starkly different conversation with Michael follow in a slam-cut from this happy chat with Amy. The time we see Kate, she and Michael are just settling in for lunch together at some kind of outdoor café, where she's explaining how relieved she is to have the tension with Amy behind her. Michael -- who seriously needs to shave that lame-ass facial hair, because it is a disfiguring tragedy -- tells Kate that he actually needs to talk to her about Amy. I know, I know -- you never saw it coming. "The whole thing with Amy's not working out," he tells Kate. Kate is stunned to hear that the two halves of a couple are giving her different versions of their relationship, despite the fact that this kind of thing actually happens to her a lot, so you'd think she wouldn't be so stunned anymore. Kate inquires about the whole parents-and-Thanksgiving thing, and Michael acknowledges that agreeing to visit the family of the girl he's planning on dumping was probably not a great idea. Kate isn't even sure she understands what his problem is -- how could he find Amy less than lovely? (Yes, I can think of lots of reasons, and so can you, but you've suspended your disbelief for six episodes; there's no reason to stop now.) Michael complains that Amy makes an overly intellectual stew out of everything, including sex. "It's like she wants to write her dissertation after every orgasm." This gets Kate's attention, for obvious reasons, the first of which is presumably that she'd certainly like to know exactly how much writing this would involve. Michael goes on to call Amy "needy and possessive," and laments the fact that she keeps him from seeing his friends -- including Kate. Kate smiles guiltily at the quasi-compliment. Mmm, quasi-compliments. He also spills the beans about the fact that Amy only reconciled with Kate because he forced her to. Like many things, this drives Kate to make a frowny face, and then -- of course -- an understanding face. Kate gets it, y'all. Kate always gets it.
Changing gears, Kate challenges Michael about the fact that he seemed to like Amy just fine before. Apparently she really does believe that if you like someone after one or two dates, that's the ball game. I can see why she makes a great matchmaker, as long as the only thing she ever has anything to do with is first dates. Michael says that the early days of hiking-liking were apparently "an aberration." He wanted it to work and he let it go on, but now it's time to get out. Kate chides him that he needs to come clean with Amy, and he acknowledges that he needs to, but protests that breaking up isn't "one of [his] strong suits." I would think it would be pretty sad to be a person where breaking up was one of your strong suits, actually. Kate insists to Michael that Amy is in love with him, and she deserves a straight answer if it's over. Michael looks sad. Oh, Kate Fox. Do pass on your wisdom. And write some of this stuff down or something -- we don't want it to be lost to history if you and the people with whom you've shared it happen to perish in a horrible accident.
Credits. Feet. Heads.
When we return from commercials, Kate is walking into a recording studio right in the middle of a session featuring a guy in a hat. Hat Guy is rapping while two adorable little boys bob their heads happily and watch. Kate gives the kids a familiar squeeze, then she looks meaningfully at Hat Guy and then at her watch. Hat Guy interrupts the take and heads out to talk to her. He opens by scolding the boys for sucking on lollipops -- "sugar on a stick" -- and then Kate asks him what's up. It would seem that he called Jerrold, who's stuck in court, so Kate dropped by to check up on him. The hat-guy/rapper, who we will call B-Plot, takes a moment to continue his nutritional anti-lollipop crusade by getting his friend/hanger-on T-Rex to show the boys where the crudités are. From their dismayed expressions, the boys do apparently know what crudités are.
When the boys are gone, B-Plot complains to Kate that he got hosed on the custody arrangements, because not only did he get stuck with parenting only on weekends, but his ex-wife got all the holidays, too. Kate tries to appease him by reminding him that the judge agreed to revisit custody after a year, but an agitated B-Plot says that he wants half of all the holidays, beginning with Thanksgiving. Yeah, that's a good plan for the kids. Nothing like swapping your angry parents at noon to make it feel like a real holiday. I smell the great Rankin/Bass special! He warns Kate that if she and her dad can't "fly with that," he'll get some attorneys who can. Kate awkwardly states that of course they can "fly with that," but B-Plot should understand that they're unlikely to be successful. Great job, Kate -- I support all efforts to lower expectations.
Just then, B-Plot's nasty ex-wife makes a noisy entrance into the studio. You can tell she's wicked because of her tight white mini-dress, and because of her obviously unsupported gripe that the kids are "unsupervised." B-Plot rolls his eyes and tells the boys not to worry about it, but to just go with Mom. They all exchange the Fists of Fatherhood, and then a nice hug. Kate looks on warmly, as she is wont to do. B-Plot tells his ex-wife that he wants to pick the boys up on Thursday and have a Thanksgiving lunch with them, but she breaks the news that she and her boyfriend are taking them to Maui, and they'll be long gone by then. I certainly hope she isn't going to Maui to buy clunky jewelry, because she really has enough. Anyway, not only is Mama taking the kids to Maui, but he won't even get his usual weekend, because she won't be back till Sunday. Mama B-Plot -- whose name is Ronica -- offers her ex the sop of an extra day or two week. B-Plot does the kids no big favor by reading their mom out right in front of them about how she just wants to "shake [her] liposuctioned booty up and down the beach" in Maui, and how she has no priorities. Healthy! Unsurprisingly, Ronica is unmoved by this display. Kate protests that this plan violates the custody order, which prohibits taking the boys out of state without notice. The former Mrs.-B-Plot snots in reply that this is her notice, calling Kate "blonde girl" in the process. Regarding Kate, Ronica says to B-Plot, "I hope she's much better in bed than she is in the courtroom." Of course, as a result of this, when Ronica is gone, Kate vows that they'll take her down. Because zealous advocacy only really kicks in when you're insulted personally. Until then, it's all kind of abstract.
Back in the offices of Fox and Friends, Kate is on the phone while B-Plot paces restlessly in the background. When she hangs up, she says that they'll be having a hearing in the morning. B-Plot protests that it will be too late by then -- Ronica will have the kids on a plane to Maui. Kate assures him that Ronica can't do anything until after the show cause hearing, so there's nothing to worry about. Jerrold "Shatner" Fox asks B-Plot to sit down so they can have a talk. My God, that man is stretched taut. Anyway, Shatner cautions him that the judge, probably busy deciding recall election issues and the like, is very unlikely to want to revisit custody at this late date. B-Plot gives a little speech about how that's only because the motion comes from a strong black man, and the judge won't listen, or something. He argues that a black man in family court has no chance, no matter what his argument may be. Kate tells him that whatever the reasons for the existing order, the only way they're going to get it modified is to show some deficiency in Ronica's household -- preferably something that's come up since the last time custody came up. Maybe that white mini-dress, I'm thinking.
You know, speaking of wardrobe problems, I notice here that Kate is now wearing the blue sweater/high hair from the opening bit, even though in the last scene at the studio, she was in a different outfit. Hmm. Methinks that the teaser was originally the studio scene, with the Michael/Amy stuff coming after the first commercial, and they switched it. Otherwise, Kate has a lot fewer outfits than I thought. I hate when they bend time and space.
Oh, yeah. So anyway, when we last left our heroine and her associates, they were looking for a deficiency in Ronica's household. Nick suggests maybe wild parties or excessive drinking, or maybe "girl-on-girl action." Kate looks disgusted. The guys in the room, not so much. B-Plot eagerly brings up the matter of Ronica's boyfriend, who is a cigar-smoking so-and-so. Shatner thinks about that last mailing he got from the American Lung Association and thinks that the cigar smoke issue might have promise.
Then, before you know it, the meeting is over and Kate and Shatner are visiting in the outer office. She's inquiring, in fact, as to whether he would be interested in coming to her Thanksgiving party. Probably unwilling to ask the obvious question -- "Are we having tofurkey?" -- Shatner says he can't; he'll be in Vegas on Thanksgiving. He claims that he makes an annual "pilgrimage," so yes, Kate has to make a sketchy "pilgrim, har har" joke, with which she can't really get the bat off her shoulder, but...what are you gonna do? It's pilgrims. She asks Shatner to change his plans, since Vegas is always there (don't I know it), but he doesn't want to. They putter aimlessly down this road to nowhere until Kate just happens to mention that Mama Fox will be making an appearance, complete with sweet potatoes. Hmm, Mama Fox? Now, Shatner is up for it. What time is that dinner again? Oh, yeah. Half-past Skeevy and Inappropriate.
Hey, look who's strolling into the offices of Jerrold and Friends -- it's Cancer Boy! Goodness, how we've missed him. He enters in his hesitant way, stops at the desk, and looks at the sour-looking fellow sitting in Claire's usual spot. "I don't suppose you're Claire," Cancer Boy says. The guy looks at him flatly. "Claire is 'ill,'" he says, complete with finger-quotes. "I'm the temp." Cancer Boy makes a lame and obligatory "why yes, you look kind of mannish for Claire" joke, and then he gets down to business and asks to see Kate. Grumpy Temp just sends him back toward her office with no announcement. He's so fired. Or he would be, if he weren't going to be gone tomorrow anyway. Cancer Boy strolls off, and when he runs into Kate, she acts happy to see him. He starts to apologize for intruding, but then he collapses with the sadness of the story he needs to tell. And what is this sad tale? Well, it turns out that things between Cancer Boy and Jolene didn't work out. Gee, a woman hours removed from her divorce? Who knew that was a problematic setup? Oh, yeah, EVERYONE. Cancer Boy explains that the two of them had two wonderful months, but then she dumped him. By email. Ooh, cold. Your spam filter can't catch everything offensive, I suppose. He also gives the possibly unnecessary information that they didn't have enough in common, so even though the sex was great, it couldn't compensate. Also, their dogs didn't like each other. Heh. Kate is sorry to hear it. Cancer Boy goes on to say that since this brief interlude of happiness, he can't make himself a merry little hermit anymore. Kate gamely says they'll have to get him back out there, and he says he's having trouble getting out there, because his "bruised ego" is affecting his "mojo." Yes, he really says "mojo." Which is kind of funny, because Cancer Boy has lots of things, but "mojo" is not one of them. Cancer Boy says that talking to women makes him all nervous and sweaty, and the face Alicia Silverstone makes when he mentions sweat is really pretty cute. She asks how she can help, and he asks for a session with her to get himself back on track. She says she might be able to fit him in over the long weekend. He's oh-so-grateful.
Cut to Kate and Mama Fox, having a chat at Mama's club. Mama Fox wants to know whether Kate thinks her purple knit off-the-shoulder outfit is "too slutty" for a fifty-year-old, and Kate thinks it's "just slutty enough." Speaking of outfits, Kate's short-sleeved pleather shirt and elbow-length lace gloves are about three silver studs away from Biker Chick. Alicia will kick your ass, people. Don't give her a reason. Mama Fox starts jabbering about how she's all ready for Thanksgiving, her plans for which appear to involve having laid in about three years' worth of craft supplies. Kate's like, "Mmm, great, but about that," and she goes on to explain that although she's always loved their tradition of making wreaths on Thanksgiving, this year she's thinking she'll make a traditional dinner. You will be not at all surprised to hear that despite what she told Shatner earlier, Mama Fox has not yet agreed to attend this event. A suspicious Mama Fox asks about the guest list, and Kate hedges about friends before admitting that Shatner will also be there. At first, Mama Fox is all "no way." She argues that they always had totally depressing Thanksgivings when Kate was little, where they'd go to all kinds of trouble to prepare and Shatner wouldn't even show up until late and would never say thank you, so why bother? Kate pleads with Mama Fox to reconsider, saying that with her working with Shatner, it would be wrong to leave him out, so won't Mama please come? "You can suck it up for one night," she says plainly. Finally, Mama Fox relents. Then she heads up onstage, and...wow, is her being a bad singer part of the plot? Because this particular song, at least, is really, really bad.
Back in the offices of Jerrold and Friends, he and Kate are on their way to B-Plot's custody hearing, with Shatner reminding Kate that when the hearing is over, he's headed for Vegas. He tells her that because this is the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, she can have the rest of the day off after the hearing, too. Wow, that's a very large red flower Kate has festooning her lapel. She warns Shatner not to forget about dinner tomorrow, and after putting her through a moment of pretending he's forgotten, he clarifies that he'll be there, five o'clock. He leaves. Grumpy Temp happens to caution Kate that someone is, by the way, waiting in her office. "Who?" Kate asks. "I didn't get a name," Grumpy Temp says defensively. Heh. I hate demanding bosses. "Okay," Kate allows.
When she gets back to her office, it's Amy who's waiting for her, looking very, very glum. "Hey, what a surprise," Kate says gamely. Amy, wearing a very weird-looking goldenrod suit with much-too-chunky pearls, annoyedly says that Michael cancelled on her for Thanksgiving. Kate tries to look surprised. "Did he give a reason?" she asks. Amy says that he told her he has to stay in town and see his elderly aunt. LAME! Kate says she didn't even know Michael had relatives in town, and Amy complains some more about how disappointing this is. She says that all she wanted was "one weekend with [her] parents thinking that everything was exactly right in [her] life." Wow, that's a good reason to take a guy home with you. If he got that vibe, I can't imagine why he might have felt uncomfortable. She says that now, she'll have to sit through an excruciating conversation with her parents about why he's not coming and so forth. "I can't believe he didn't think this through before he committed to you," Kate says, accurately but disingenuously. "I know -- would you tell him that?" Amy says. Kate is forced now to backpedal, saying that this is really between the two of them, and she doesn't want to be in it. I'm not sure what Amy is hoping it would accomplish to have Kate run interference, since once the guy backs out on you, guilting him into coming with you anyway isn't exactly going to make you happier in the long run, but Amy persists in this request that Kate jump in and intervene on her behalf. Kate continues to resist, and throws back in Amy's face the fact that she seemed to want Kate out of the picture not too long ago. Amy cries the lonely wail of the serial apologizer, saying that she doesn't understand how Kate can say that after she already said she was sorry. Amy argues that she's "a friend in need," and Kate sticks to her story that Amy will have to talk to Michael herself. "I wish there was more I could do," Kate says. "Sure you do," Amy snots. She certainly does have trouble making up her mind on the issue of whether she can run her life herself, doesn't she?
This is my problem with this show, I think -- I never understand where Kate is coming from. I mean, I don't mind that it's fluff, but I should still be able to follow the basic outlines of the main character's emotional responses. It's like those movies where everyone has to be dumb for it to work. Why doesn't she just date Michael? He obviously likes her, she likes him, they're both single, they're attracted to each other...what's her problem? Why does she flog herself by continuing to set him up with other women? Why doesn't she have any sense of what's appropriate, and why does she come off as indignant toward Amy and not even a little bit sorry for not telling her that she already knew Michael was going to break it off? I just can't quite lock on to Kate's feelings, so I can't entirely relate, and that's why the show's not working on me, despite the fact that I like romantic comedy, and I like Alicia Silverstone, and I like David Conrad. It should work, and it doesn't work, and I guess it's just one of those things.
Anyway, after a commercial break, we find ourselves at B-Plot and Ronica's show cause hearing. B-Plot is explaining on the witness stand that the toddler years are formative ones in child development. I actually think his kids are a little old for "toddlers," but we'll let it go. He argues that he can't positively influence the boys if they live with their mom all the time, where she feeds them greasy food and gives them too much stuff, and they're "running around playing with their privates and ain't nobody saying nothing." Wait...what? Huh. Okay. Shatner moves on (wisely) to ask specifically about the planned trip to Maui. "How are the kids supposed to learn about tradition," B-Plot asks, "if they're flying off to some tiki hut to watch their bikini-ass mama lap-dancing for her cigar-chomping, cancerous smoke-blowin' man-lover?" Well. B-Plot argues that Thanksgiving is for turkey and stuffing and watching the parade on TV. "What ever happened to family values?" he asks. Ronica's lawyer demands that B-Plot admit that two child psychologists testified in the last hearing that Mom should have custody -- is he a child psychologist? B-Plot spouts statistics about how children from fatherless homes are more likely to go to jail, run away, drop out of school, and so forth. B-Plot refuses to answer the question about whether he's a psychologist, and Shatner finally objects that the repeated asking of the question constitutes "badgering the witness." Dude. When the witness doesn't answer, you're actually allowed to keep asking. Mom's attorney, however, withdraws the question. Unnecessarily cowed on that question, Mom's attorney tries to get B-Plot to admit that he spends a lot of time away from home, but all that happens is that B-Plot gives another eloquent speech about how when the kids are with him, they're learning from him no matter where they are, whereas at Mom's house, they'd be home, but with a nanny, "watching them damn Wiggles." Heh. Funny, but I'll tell you something: Even for fake TV court, that was the worst cross-examination ever. I've heard tougher questioning from Larry King. Mom's attorney flatly tells the judge there's nothing new to justify a change of custody, and the judge agrees. Not only that, but she approves the trip to Maui. The judge closes the hearing by saying, "We're in recess," which is...not what the judge would say at the end of a hearing at all, but whatever. B-Plot stands up and loudly laments the lack of justice. Where is the justice for B-Plot?
The time we see Kate, she's shopping and talking to Michael on her cell. She asks him why he made the aunt excuse instead of just breaking it off with Amy. He claims he "couldn't pull the trigger." She suggests that maybe he doesn't really want to break up with Amy, and he assures her that he most certainly does. He suggests that maybe Kate could break up with Amy for him, but she's not warm to that idea. As she shops, she asks him whether he thinks she should get green or red lentils. Like any sane carnivore, he argues for neither, so she spitefully goes for both. Flirt! Lentils at Thanksgiving...my goodness. She invites him to her Thanksgiving dinner, but he says that having leaned on his aunt to get out of the Amy thing, he'd feel guilty if he didn't at least go and see her. Kate says "Your loss," and hangs up. You know, I find that people hang up on each other on television a lot, compared to how often I find it happens in real life.
Later, Kate has headed to the Only Bar for her usual decompressing meal with Victoria. She's complaining about how she's so tired of Michael and Amy, because it's got nothing to do with her, so she doesn't see why they have to drag her into it. Victoria protests that, in fact, Kate did admonish Michael to break up with Amy, so she sort of put herself in the middle of it. Kate protests that she didn't do that -- Michael was the one who said it was over; all she suggested was honesty. She claims that Michael just lost his nerve, and that's the only reason he didn't complete the dumping of Amy, and that she can't respect a guy who would, even in jest, ask her to break up with his girlfriend for him. Victoria tells Kate she "lives in the middle" of their relationship, and should bring it up in therapy. Heh. I suspect Kate's therapist would not learn anything new from that, since living in the middle of other people's relationships seems to be Kate's general practice. Kate asks Victoria whether she's coming to Thanksgiving, and Victoria asks if she can bring her dorky cousin. Turns out that Victoria's cousin is a twentysomething single musicologist. This of course -- as the word "single" always does -- gives Kate an idea.
Cut to Cancer Boy, working out on his...his treadmill, I guess. Does Cancer Boy have a treadmill? Apparently. He grabs a call from Kate, who tells him that she's terribly sorry for the short notice, but she'd love it if he'd come to Thanksgiving dinner at her house. He claims to have signed on for a potluck where they're counting on him to bring a rhubarb Jell-O mold. And that's the kind of commitment you just don't break, unless you want to make everyone like you. Which Cancer Boy undoubtedly does not. Kate encourages him to drop off the mold and come on over to eat, and he accepts. Incidentally, Kate is wearing what I guess is an animal-rights t-shirt with a pig on it, and the words "No, I Don't Have Any Spare Ribs." Eh. It was funnier when PETA said Clay Aiken was neutered. Freakin' Clay Aiken.
That night, Kate is lying in bed when the phone rings. It's T-Rex, B-Plot's bud. He's calling to tell Kate that B-Plot has been arrested for kidnapping. Now, as she flies down the freeway in her car, Kate has to call Shatner, who's playing craps in Vegas as she chats with him on the cell. He gives her instructions on how to bail B-Plot out of jail, warning her to take Nick with her and not go to "the hood" by herself. Kate rolls her eyes and points out that B-Plot was arrested in Beverly Hills at the Four Seasons. Heh. A casino guy comes by to tell Shatner he can't use his phone on the floor, so he starts to wrap it up. He tells Kate that he sat in the second row for Celine, who has an enormous head. With that piece of crucial cranial news passed along, he wishes Kate luck.
At the police station (I assume), Nick and Kate chat with B-Plot. She breaks the news that he's going to have to spend the night, but they can get him out in the morning. She also cautions B-Plot that she's not a criminal lawyer, so she's not really qualified to be the one to defend him on the criminal charge. Nick asks B-Plot what exactly happened. He says he went by the house to say goodbye to the twins, and when he got there, they were eating frozen chicken nuggets with the nanny, so he took them out to get some food. When they got sleepy, he checked into the Four Seasons so they could snooze and he could order room service, which may not be credible, but sounds lovely. Mmm, room service. Kate tells him that it doesn't look very good, running off with them and checking into a hotel the day before they're supposed to leave. He insists that he was just looking out for the boys. He insists that they don't even want to go to the beach -- their mom is making them go, even though one of them is scared of the ocean.
Out in the...I don't know, police lobby, I suppose, the boys are brought out to a waiting Ronica, who starts to leave with them. Kate sees this, and she calls out. Oh, that's not a good idea at all. That's a good way to get a punch in the mouth from any mom, right there, is to call out to them when you're the opposing divorce attorney. Kate acknowledges that Ronica must be furious, but she asks her to keep in mind that all B-Plot wants is to be close to the kids. She says that if Ronica would reconsider, she thinks the DA would be amenable to dropping the charges against B-Plot. As her kids squirm uncomfortably under her arms, Ronica rails that B-Plot should have thought of all this before he walked out on the family. You know, all of these adults -- including Kate -- should be conducting all of these conversations not in the presence of the kids. That just sucks. "Is punishing him worth the hurt it'll cause the kids?" Kate asks. She's really lucky Ronica doesn't smack her, frankly. But she doesn't. She just says, "Why am I even talking to you?" (good point), and leaves.
Back from the break, it is Thanksgiving, and Kate is vacuuming for the big party. Mama Fox strolls in, admonishing Kate for leaving the front door unlocked. Kate points out that Mama is three hours early. Wow, that's quite the floaty orange top Mama has on. Mama says she was thinking she and Kate could shoehorn in a little wreath-making before things got underway. Kate demurs, saying, "I'd love to, but I have to bail my rapper out of jail." Heh. Mama argues that Shatner could deal with that problem, but Kate points out that he's in Vegas. Mama wants to know how he'll be there for the party if he's out of state, but Kate assures her that he'll show up. Kate scurries out of the room.
The time we see Kate, she's in her car again, yapping with Shatner on her cell some more. He's still in Vegas. They check in about the events with B-Plot. She asks him whether he's still on track to make it home for dinner, and he tells her that he's actually down a little, so he's still playing to try to get even. She cautions him that he'd better come home, whether he makes his money back or not. He tells her that he can't stomach coming home this far in debt. "It's the principle," he says. She gives him a stern lecture about the importance of showing up, and can presumably only hope it will take.
At the jail, Kate leads B-Plot out through a maze of waiting journalists. Nick tries to get through with a "no comment," but B-Plot jumps in, saying he's no felon, and no kidnapper, and he's a victim of oppression and so forth. Kate pulls on him to get him to shut up until he gets a chance to appear in court. He complains that he's being tried in the court of public opinion, and that no one's being fair to him. "When are you going to stop pointing the finger and take some responsibility?" she asks. "You violated the court order. You sent Ronica into a panic. You caused your little boys to spend three frightening hours in a police precinct." He threatens to get Johnnie Cochrane. Snerk. Oh, sure, everybody threatens to get Johnnie now. I have a feeling Johnnie's a little busy with Michael Jackson these days, if you know what I mean. And unfortunately, you probably do. She tells him to feel free to just get Johnnie. "If you don't want to listen to our advice," she says, "we don't want you." He snaps back that she wouldn't be alone in not wanting him, considering that he's standing outside a jail with no family and nobody who cares about him. "Well, I'm having people over," she says, still a little angry, "you could come." He hesitates. "What time?" he asks softly. Hee. That was sweet.
As Nick and Kate walk to the car, he praises her for being so darn hospitable. She points out that at least B-Plot cares, unlike her father. Nick says that Shatner is a "wild man," and if you want him somewhere, you have to take him there yourself. This gives Kate an idea. She asks Nick to go to Vegas, fetch Shatner, and bring him back. She offers to pay him for the time and travel, and she ultimately agrees to handle his paperwork for two and a half months, plus provide free matchmaking. Considering the quality of Kate's matchmaking, I hope she's also going to throw in free psychiatric counseling when it all goes horribly wrong. All Nick has to say is that he flies first class.
Back at Casa Kate, she and Mama Fox are preparing for dinner. Mama Fox is just learning that they're having rather a mondo gathering, as Kate points out that Victoria and the musicologist cousin are also coming, along with Cancer Boy and B-Plot. "Four boys and four girls," Kate says contentedly. "Look at that, we can play spin the bottle," Mama Fox says sarcastically. Don't tempt your cheeseball daughter, Mama Fox. Just then, Mama figures out that Kate is making her sweet potatoes, and Kate defends herself by saying that Shatner is looking forward to them too much for them to be omitted. They determine that Kate has wrongly added cumin instead of nutmeg, but Mama Fox insists that Shatner won't know the difference, since he hasn't had her sweet potatoes since 1987, if you know what she means, and I think you do. They don't have any nutmeg to add, because they used it all up in the "eggnog popsicles." Ew. I don't like thinking about the fact that eggnog exists hardly at all, not to mention in popsicle form. This forces Kate on a quick market run, because not only do they need the nutmeg, but they also need creamer and more sponge cake. She's gotta hit the aisles, and fast! You know, this is almost like that Waitresses Christmas song. "A&P has provided me with the world's smallest turkey..." Hee, I love that song.
At the store, Kate is on her cell phone to Nick, who is on the hunt for Shatner and has just found him. And where is that crazy Shatner? Oh, he's on his knees digging for a quarter that fell under the slot machine. I'm not sure that's all that much worse than what's gone on in Ryan O'Neal's career in recent years, to be totally honest with you, but at least they've done a good job of capturing the feel of Vegas. Kate tells Nick to hurry up and get Shatner on a plane back to L.A. She hangs up on him, nutmeg in hand. I think nutmeg in this episode is a metaphor, but I'm not sure what for. Considering the level at which this show operates, it might be a metaphor for allspice.
When Kate gets home, she walks into her living room to find a Goth-looking girl, wearing the traditional feasting outfit of leather straps and studs, just as the pilgrims did. She's not just standing there -- she's pawing over Kate's CD collection. Oh, what fun. Kate, too busy with nutmeg and Shatner-worry to concern herself with random people in the living room, just sort of shrugs and breezes past into the kitchen, where she finds Mama Fox looking disapprovingly at a ceramic bowl. "Where can I find a bigger bowl?" Mama asks. "Crate and Barrel," Kate says, as snappily as she ever gets. Kate asks Victoria what's up with the Goth girl, and Kate says that's the dorky musicologist cousin. The doorbell rings, interrupting this discussion, and Kate is forced to run out into the living room and open the door. She swings open the door, and it is none other than a typically haggard-looking Cancer Boy, bearing an aggressively autumnal floral arrangement. He apologizes for showing up a little early, and she assures him it's fine -- he can come right in, because they've almost got things under control in the kitchen. Which is, you know, why you don't arrive early. But anyway. She motions him into the house with a wide, Alicia-riffic grin, and she starts to introduce him to Goth Girl. Kate suddenly realizes that she herself has not formally been introduced to this Princess of Darkness, so she takes care of that in a jiff. "I'm Kate," she says cheerily (is there any other way?). "Hey. Cool house," says Goth Girl flatly, before going back to reading one of Kate's CD inserts. "You have a burner?" Goth Girl asks. You know, it's never occurred to me to show up at someone's house and ask to start copying their music collection, but...I guess that's my age showing. Kate blows it off, saying she has no "burner" because of the "copyright issues." A totally strange, tossed-off little exchange that felt like it was supposed to have a joke in it, and didn't. Kate re-pastes the smile across her face and tells Cancer Boy that Goth Girl is getting her PhD in musicology. He tells her he's "something of an audiophile," and asks what her specialty is. "Polarization of Fringe Youth Cultures in 21st Century Rock, Rap, and Metal," she replies. Oh, yeah. I think I saw that dissertation reprinted in an issue of YM. Kate starts off toward the kitchen to escape Goth Girl's sucking vortex of pretentious bullshit, while Cancer Boy hangs around to...make conversation, presumably.
Just then, there is a knock, and Kate looks over to see B-Plot and friends standing outside the screen door. Goth Girl, of course, is thrilled at the arrival of B-Plot, who will make a handy addition to the bibliography for her dissertation. "Oh, my God, is that [B-Plot]?" she asks. "Actually, it is," Kate says slowly, "with his...entourage." Damn. People with entourages never come to my apartment. Maybe that's why I'm bored a lot. More entourages!
The thing you know, Victoria is in the kitchen serving the entourage some munchies she refers to as "triangle things," while Mama Fox asks them how they know Kate. "Through [B-Plot]," T-Rex fills in. T-Rex mentions that he thought it would be okay for them to come, given that they're all "orphans." Mama Fox looks momentarily shocked, until T-Rex clarifies that they're not technically orphans, they just have no family for Thanksgiving. So they're the "from Baltimore" kind of orphans as opposed to the "both our parents were eaten by lions" kind of orphans.
Victoria's grand tour continues as she takes the munchie tray out past B-Plot, who is unsurprisingly holding court with a raptly attentive Goth Girl. Specifically, he's telling her all about how there's been a recent "politically motivated reversal of societal norms." Um, word. I guess. This all turns out to be somehow related to why B-Plot doesn't "rap about pimpin'."
In the kitchen, Victoria's Munchie Caravan makes its way back to the starting gate, where Kate amusedly asks Victoria whether things are okay out there in the living room. Victoria confirms that surprisingly enough, they are, except that Cancer Boy is all alone, "reading a coffee table book." Kate says that perhaps they should go get Cancer Boy: "Maybe he wants to come in here." "Oooh, I hope he does," Victoria says sarcastically, with a well-timed pump of her fist. Just then, who should walk in behind them, but -- no, not Cancer Boy. It's Michael, of course. He leans over and gives Kate the cheek-smooch, and she asks what happened to the elderly aunt. He explains that Thanksgiving at Shady Pines (or wherever) is a surprisingly clipped affair, and that "they really get you in and out of there." She tells him he's just in time for a second dinner, and then Mama Fox comes wafting in in her orange top. Mama is introduced to Michael, and then suggests to Kate that they go ahead and get the little sponge cakes ready for dessert later. Unsurprisingly, it comes to light that they don't have enough sponge cakes, so Michael volunteers for yet another last-minute store run. When he's gone, Mama calls him a "Boy Scout" and mentions that she likes him, at which point Victoria breezes by and mentions that they've got seven minutes to go on the casserole. Casserole urgency! What would Thanksgiving be without it?
The hour of dinner fast approaching, Kate makes the inevitable phone call to Nick, who's on his cell and standing around at the crap tables with the oh-so-irresponsible Shatner. She wants to know where he is, and Nick promises they're on their way, but it's too late. Kate has deduced that they haven't even left Vegas yet. "Hang up, hang up," Shatner cajoles. Heh. Nick has to roll, so he hands the phone to Shatner, who thanks Kate for sending Nick, because Nick improved Shatner's luck as soon as he arrived. Kate reminds Shatner that he needs to be in town soon, but he's noncommittal, suggesting that he might have to stay around and try to get even. Kate gets Nick back on the phone, and she tells him that the deal is off. "Don't do me any favors; I'll see you Monday," she says, and she hangs up.
As Kate walks by her bathroom door on her way back to the living room, there is an intrusive flushing sound, and Cancer Boy emerges. He gushes over Kate for a while, and before you know it, the plot you knew was coming gets underway -- Cancer Boy tries to ask Kate out, much to what appears to be her consternation. She is saved by the doorbell and weasels out of the conversation, running to get the door yet again. And who's at the door? That's right. It's Amy, holding something on a plate. Oh, my stars, it's a Jell-O mold. "Amy, what's going on?" Kate asks, trying not to look horrified. Amy guiltily grins that she wasn't able to tell her parents the truth about Michael not coming, so she called the whole thing off. She says that she remembered Kate's invitation, so she just came right over. No. No, you may not do that. When you've declined an invitation, you can't just show up. She's totally in the wrong, which means she kind of deserves what's about to happen to her. Kate, unable to think of any damn else thing to say, says, "Great," and takes the proffered Jell-O mold. Just then, Mama Fox emerges looking for trivets, as Amy admits that she probably should have called first. She insists she shouldn't stay -- she'll just leave the mold. Kate is clearly considering letting this slide to save everyone the agony that will result when Michael returns with sponge cakes in hand, but Mama Fox leaps in. "Oh, don't be silly. What's one more at this point?" she insists. As if that weren't enough, an oblivious Mama Fox tells Kate to call her "Boy Scout" and tell him to grab some extra sponge cakes. Kate just keeps on grinning, tossing a "Good idea!" to her mom. She ushers Amy into the house and closes the door. We fade out on Kate, surveying this rapidly degenerating situation.
When we return from commercials, Kate is hiding in the kitchen, apparently trying to get Michael on the cell to keep him from showing up, but she complains to Victoria that she keeps getting kicked to voicemail. "So leave a message," Victoria shrugs. Kate questions what she would say in a message anyway. "How about 'Don't come back'?" Victoria offers. Unfortunately, it's a little late for this, as Michael is just now coming in the door, interrupting -- oddly enough -- a talk between Amy and Cancer Boy. Michael's entry into the living room is about as awkward as you'd expect, and he and Amy stare uncomfortably at each other. "What are you doing here?" an unhappy Amy finally asks. He stammers out that things ended early at the Retirement Home for Cute Boys' Relatives, so he headed over. He shoots back by asking her why she's not at her parents' house. She says she didn't want to go without her boyfriend, but now she's starting to wonder whether...well, you know. B-Plot, the entourage, and Goth Girl are starting to tear into the food, but they look up to hear the answer to this rather complex question. Kate and Victoria, standing in the entry to the kitchen, perk their ears up as well. Michael's inability to answer the "are you my boyfriend" question does a pretty good job of answering it, and a miserable Amy gathers up her things and says her goodbyes to Cancer Boy. Cancer Boy compliments her Jell-O mold as "delightful." That's exactly what you want to hear in that situation, so I'm sure she feels much better. Relationship? Over. But Jell-O mold? The best! She heads for the door, where Kate stops her. "You guys should talk," Kate says sadly. Amy quite correctly says that there doesn't seem to be too much to talk about, but Michael, trying not to come off like a total dick, comes over and offers to go somewhere and talk with her if she wants. She, despite having seemed to get the point thirty seconds ago, has lost it again and asks him to just tell her if they're over. His grim expression does a pretty good job of answering. "I'm sorry," he says. Amy leaves.
Mama Fox goes into Awkward Party Rescue mode, encouraging everyone to forget the ugly show they've just witnessed and get down to eating dinner. It's just like what happens at the end of Yes, Dear. (Has that TWoP bounty on Yes, Dear jokes been established yet? Because if it has, I'll take my twenty bucks. ["If that show is still on, I'll give you twenty bucks to kill me." -- Sars]) Kate asks Michael whether he's all right, and he dismissively calls himself "the king of the passive-aggressive breakup." She assures him -- um, comfortingly, I guess -- that he'll do a better job the time one of his relationships crashes and burns. He tells her he'd rather there were no time, and then hands over the coveted sponge cakes from the store. Again, I sense that the sponge cakes stand for something.
Cancer Boy suddenly spots Amy's glasses case, and he grabs it and runs for the door. As he opens the door, he runs smack into Amy, who's returning for her lost booty. They exchange a few unlikely lines of dialogue, culminating in the inevitable moment where she thanks him.
Later, the group is playing "what are you thankful for?" as they bask in the glow of whatever vegan loaf Kate fed them. They're happy, they're fulfilled, and they're loaded with fiber, undoubtedly. Victoria is thankful for friendship. Goth Girl is thankful for Victoria, who gave her a place to go for Thanksgiving. B-Plot passes. He's not thankful for anything, dammit. T-Rex does better: "I feel blessed every day. Blessed with work, blessed to live...oh, and props on the food. Especially the lentil salad. Very tasty." Okay, T-Rex gets my vote for Most Welcome New Recurring Character, if this show were going to be around long enough for characters to recur.
At this highly emotional post-lentil-salad moment, we hear a bunch of "Daddy, Daddy!" Over by the door, here come B-Plot's boys, bounding into the room and into his arms. Their mom, fortunately, is right behind them, because as smart as these kids are, they aren't piloting any private planes back from Hawaii. Kate crosses to the door. "This is a...pleasant surprise?" Kate says questioningly. Ronica says that T-Rex told her that it was a fairly open gathering, so she hoped showing up would be okay. She figures she can always go to Hawaii. Kate assures her she's welcome. Just as Kate goes to lock the door, she looks outside and notices that Cancer Boy and Amy are sitting on the porch, locked in deep conversation. As she is wont to do, Kate smiles with warm satisfaction at what she has wrought.
Before she can close the door again -- it's Shatner! Who knew? Right at the end of the evening! Right before he was going to be too late! He bursts through the door with a stuffed flower for her (don't ask), hauling Nick behind him. It's a warm family Thanksgiving, all right.
Later, Kate decompresses with her parents. Shatner talks to Mama Fox about how Vegas has changed since they were last there. They flirt, she tells him not to flirt with her, he denies flirting with her...it's your basic flirting situation. Shatner caps the evening by toasting Kate for being "a better person than her mom and her dad combined." Well, she's certainly better-dressed. They all clink glasses and drink. As we begin to fade out on this happy scene, Shatner chatters about the sweet potatoes -- there's something different about them. The little B-Plots run happily through the house, Ronica and Victoria chat in the background, Goth Girl talks to Nick...and all the Whos down in Who-ville are snug in their beds, people. Now that's holiday warmth.